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Mike doesn't mean to yell at his friends. He really doesn’t.
He just gets so frustrated. Because the words he means to say never come out quite right and it always ends up raising everyone’s hackles and-
There’s just so much he has to say. So many things that he feels, so many thoughts begging to be heard. He likes to be heard. But not like this.
He’s standing, phone pressed to his ear, as El asks him to come over. He thinks about the crazed look in Hopper’s eyes and it makes him feel pressured, his heart rate rising.
Mike doesn’t know how to tell El about the threats that Hopper made. Doesn’t know if he should. He doesn’t know if El will be mad or if Hopper will kill him. He’s panicked and unsure and before he knows it, he’s lying. He’s stammering and cringing through a flimsy lie, digging his nails into his palm as he continues.
He hates lying. It feels like sludge in his mouth. Even more so, he hates lying to El. She deserves honesty.
The call ends with a weird tension and Mike flops onto the couch with a groan.
____________________
Mike just really hates not being in control. Lucas called him a control freak a few years ago, and even though he had apologized, the label had stuck with Mike since. The words taunted him in his head, repeating louder and louder in a drone when he went too far. When his hearing muffled from the words he was speaking, only able to hear “control freak, control freak” bouncing around his skull. Staring as he upset his friends once again.
The situations they’ve been put in are scary. Monsters and death and pain and bad men and otherworldly terrors. Scary and terrifying and way above their abilities to fix and overwhelming and monstrous and so many other words to describe them. It’s something they shouldn’t be able to survive. (But they do, somehow.)
He can’t control what happens to any of them. Can’t control how hurt everyone gets.
So Mike is left scrambling for control.
It’s in mostly small moments: when he leads the Party down the street or directs them to grab certain supplies. It’s in the moments where he can redirect the conversation or start the conversations that no one wants to have. The moments where everyone looks for a leader to make the next choice. When someone needs to play devil’s advocate. When everyone is fighting over what to do next. He’s desperate for a semblance of control.
But all those small things build up. Then when tensions get high, and he tries to speak up again, he gets push back from his friends. And he doesn’t know what else to do besides push back too.
So he comes off as a control freak. Too domineering, too controlling, too much. Too grouchy and too full of himself and too selfish. Too much.
He feels like he’s too much, too big, too loud, too outspoken. No one sees it. The self-hatred he has. The desire to choke on his words, to keep them inside.
Except El. El understands him. She gets what it’s like to be out of control. To hurt others when it happens.
That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t hurt her. It does. He sees it in her eyes. Heartbroken, sad, pained. The little monster in his head chews him out, spewing words of self-hatred. It makes his stomach churn.
____________________
Mike is lost in his head as he groans to Lucas about lying to El. He just doesn’t know how to fix things or if he was wrong or what else he was supposed to do.
He gets caught up in his head and ignores Will setting up the table across the room.
Lucas leads them to the mall in hopes of finding a gift for El. But Mike is broke and he doesn’t really know what to get her.
Then, as they pick up their bikes to leave, El confronts him. Max stands behind her, arms crossed with her brow cocked, in a way that still digs under Mike’s skin.
He lies to her. He loses control of the conversation. She dumps him. Game over.
____________________
Mike is so lost in his head that he ignores Will to the point where he snaps. Then he tries to play along with what Will wants, but eventually makes some smartass comment that upsets him. Fucking everything up again.
He doesn’t mean to yell at Will. Mike doesn’t mean to use his deepest secret against him. He’s not trying to be a jerk. But he is. The betrayal and hurt in Will’s eyes knock the air out of his lungs. He watches as his best friend pedals away through the rain. Mike pushes the sleeves of his shirt up and digs his nails into his shoulders, scratching down painfully. The pain rings sharp and it sends goosebumps down his arms.
He deserves more pain than that. But he has to hide what just happened from Lucas.
____________________
Sometimes he lays in bed at night, tears in his eyes, cursing himself out quietly into the silence with fingers pulling hard at his hair. He curls into his blankets as he scratches frantically at his forearms and neck.
Holly has always watched him during the day. She’s a quiet kid: always observing. Nancy and Mike took up all of the loud and dramatic genes it seemed. Holly was patient. Quiet. Empathetic.
She finds him sometimes, during the night, during these freak out moments alone in his room. Mike rarely sees her walk in, too busy with the buzzing words in his head to hear her soft footsteps.
Holly reaches out and grabs one of his hands. It always shocks him into silence: eyes snapping open. They stare at one another for a while, before she gently pushes at him. He slides over until he’s touching the wall, facing the bottom of the bunk above him, and lets her slide into the bed next to him.
Holly pulls the blanket up to their chests, then turns and lays across his chest. One arm tucks up under herself, and the other reaches out to smooth softly over the skin he’s been scratching at. If he’s been pulling his hair, she pets his head gently.
The tears come then. Quiet tears, save for a tiny hiccup here and there. They stream from his eyes and drip into his ears. It tickles. He shrugs his shoulders to wipe at them. Holly stays.
Eventually, he scrubs at his eyes, and wraps his arms around Holly. She snuggles close.
“G’night Mikey,” she whispers.
“Goodnight Holls,” he responds through the lump in his throat.
____________________
Billy’s been infected. Their previous teenage problems are forgotten as they make a plan to capture him and burn out the Mind Flayer.
That’s what Mike hopes at least. But El still won’t talk to him, and it feels like bugs are chewing up his insides. He feels like he’s rotting inside.
He wonders if that’s how Billy feels too.
Mike hopes that El will just forgive him. But spending time with Max seems to have strengthened her backbone. He’s proud of her; he just wishes it wasn’t against him. He doesn’t know how to fix things.
Regardless how much Max and him bicker, he cares about her. She’s like an annoying little sister. But watching her cry as her brother sobs and screams for her to save him? Heart-wrenching. He feels powerless.
But then the monster takes control again and he’s trying to kill them. Trying to kill El. He’s got her by the throat. Mike sees red.
Before he knows it, he’s running to grab the iron pipe, and he’s smashing it over Billy’s head. El falls to the ground, and Mike goes in for another swing.
Billy stops the pipe midair. He advances on Mike until he’s pressed against the wall. Mike is pretty sure he’s going to die.
But suddenly Billy is hovering and Mike looks behind him to see El, rising from the ground in agony, holding him there. She throws him through the wall.
El collapses back against Mike, crying out painfully. All the previous fighting is forgiven as she seeks comfort from him. It’s a high tension situation, but it still makes his heart soar to know she still finds safety in him.
Mike grabs onto El and holds her tight as she coughs and gasps and chokes. He rubs her wrists in the way that he knows comforts her, and whispers quiet reassurances to her. She sobs in his arms, but turns and tucks into him all the same.
They raise up at the sound of movement, and watch through the hole in the wall as Billy runs into the distance.
“Well that plan epically failed,” Lucas tries jokes half-heartedly after a few minutes of silence. Max grabs a pebble from the floor and tosses it at him.
The words oddly hurt Mike. He thought his plan was good. It did give them the confirmation that Billy was infected.
But all it really did was hurt everyone else. The people he cares about. The tear tracks on Max’s cheeks, the panic in Will’s eyes, the trembling in Lucas’s hands, and the bruises forming on El’s throat were evidence of that.
He presses his nails into his shoulders while everyone stares through the hole in the wall. It’s all his fault. Again.
____________________
El has never looked inside his head.
Mike specifically asked her not to. It was one night when Hopper was scheduled to work late and El invited him over. They giggled as they climbed a tree nearby the cabin, and stared up at the stars, listening to the peaceful sounds of the forest.
“Have you ever looked inside my head?” asked Mike. The thought had randomly popped into his head as he stared at the sky.
El shifted from where her back was pressed against his chest, to a position in which she was facing him, so that she made eye contact.
“No,” she replied with a shake of her head. Her face went contemplative, so he waited for her to continue.
“I don’t like doing it without per-mis-sion. Your thoughts are for you only. The bad men took my choices away from me. I want you to have a choice,” she explained.
Choice. Something he was deprived of so often.
His mom forced him into clothes and to events and to act certain ways in front of certain people. His dad forced him to cut his hair and to ‘shut his damn mouth’ and to stop crying when he turned 8. His brain forced him to speak up and to say the things he wanted to keep in and to malfunction if things didn’t go the way he wanted them to.
But there was El, offering him the choice. Not even simply asking, but assuming a passive role before he had even brought the subject up.
His throat had felt tight and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. She paused for a moment, before bringing a hand up to the back of his head, and stroked his hair.
“Are you okay?” El had asked hesitantly after a few moments.
“Yeah. Sorry. I just-,” Mike cut off. He didn’t know how to explain it. But she seemed to understand. She had been becoming more and more intuitive as of late.
“Choice?”
“Yeah. I just really appreciate you giving me the choice. And not just doing it without asking me,” he said. Mike could feel El nod gently above him.
“Choice is im-por-tant. Do you want me to look in your head?” she asked.
Mike pulled back and looked at her.
“No. Not now at least. Please.”
El smiled at him and reached out to grab his hand.
“Okay.”
Mike grinned back at her and leaned forward to kiss her. When he pulled away, she looked startled, with a growing blush on her cheeks.
Before she could say anything, they heard the sound of Hopper’s cruiser trailing through the forest.
“Oh shit.”
____________________
Mike’s in the cabin, desperately trying to get his point across to his friends. He doesn’t want them to force El. Doesn’t want her to be pushed, to feel obligated to use her powers. Even more so, he knows she will push herself past her limits. He’s tired of seeing the people he loves in pain.
He doesn’t mean to yell. It’s just that no one is listening to him. It’s just that everyone is looking at him with an incredulous expression or pity or confusion or with eye-rolls. Nancy has that annoyed older sister look that drives him nuts, Max is fighting back with that fire in her eyes, and Lucas is smirking in that way that makes him feel so stupid for getting so worked up. It’s just-
He can’t help but explode! It’s a bunch of tiny things that aggravate him and everyone is just ignoring his concerns because he can’t fucking word things right. He’s not trying to be stubborn and hard to work with. Mike is just scared.
Then he admits that he loves El and everyone is watching him with humor and amusement in their eyes and it makes him feel so caged in. Like he’s a tiny bug in a glass box and everyone’s eyes are on him. He’s seconds from really exploding and maybe even screaming. Which is so ridiculous and over dramatic. He’s about to storm into the bathroom and scratch his skin raw.
But El comes out of the room finally, and the feeling passes. He stays calm. For her. He trusts her decision. He gives up a bit of control. For her.
____________________
He thinks maybe it’s because of his parents. Maybe it’s unfair to blame things on them when he’s older now and capable of making his own decisions. But he can’t help but feel like they’re the root of the issue.
They were never happy together. Always arguing with passive aggressive voices and sharply cut one-liners. Always battling for the upper hand in a fight. Always trying to get control of the situation. Always having to be right.
Mike sees that it’s infected him. He can see traces of the toxicity in Nancy. The need to be right. For everything to go perfectly. The need to be in control.
But as Nancy has gotten older, she’s flushed the poison from her system. Maybe it happened as a result of Barbara’s death or her relationship with Jonathan.
Either way, Mike is proud of her. He’s proud that she was able to escape the cycle.
He’s not been so lucky. It feels like toxic sludge consumes him most days.
But maybe he can filter it out too.
Maybe if someone just understood the way he thought, he could fix it.
____________________
Everyone has split up in the store to scavenge supplies. It feels like what the apocalypse might feel like.
Mike stays with El, sitting across from her, as she stares at him with weary eyes. Her leg is bloody and poorly bandaged. It acts as a barrier between them.
Mike starts to ramble. He can’t help it. He barely knows what the hell is coming out of his mouth. It sounds like a mixture of apologies and compliments and he’s pretty sure his face is bright red. How embarrassing.
She doesn’t turn away though. Not like he expects her to. Slowly, El starts to smile at him, a fond look in her eyes.
There’s a lump in his throat, and tears spring to his eyes. Mike feels so relieved that she still cares. That he still has her.
____________________
After everything is over, it’s rough. El is grieving the loss of Hopper, Max is doing the same with Billy, and everyone is trying to cope with the trauma. But they work through it.
Mike talks to El again, one night when he sleeps over at the Byers’s house. They sneak out of her shared room with Will: Mike paying extra attention not to shake the bed he was sharing with Will.
They slowly tiptoe to the front porch, and curl up on the swinging bench. Mike wraps a blanket around them, and El curls into his side.
They sit in the silence for a while before he speaks.
“I’m sorry about Hopper. I know you’ve heard that a lot, and I know it won’t change anything. But I want you to know that I’m here for you. If you need to yell and scream or cry or just lay in silence: I’ll be there.”
El blinks, digesting his words, before smiling softly.
“Thank you. I am here for you also,” she whispers into the night air.
They sit in silence for a while longer before Mike speaks up again.
“I just. I’m not going to act like I’m not struggling. I really hurt you and I know I did and I know you forgave me but I feel like you shouldn’t have. I was a total jerk. I’m always a jerk. I always mess up and hurt everyone and I can’t put into words why it happens,” Mike rushes out, getting choked up near the end. He’s at his breaking point.
El sits up, and turns to face him. He does the same.
“Choice?” she says in a questioning tone. He looks at her confused, before she smiles again and tucks some hair behind his ear.
“Choice. I can look in your head. I can understand,” El explains.
Mike’s instinct is to say no. He’s afraid to let someone into his mind. It feels like such a vulnerable concept. El will know how intense his feelings are for her. El will know everything he means to say and how it twists by the time it comes out of his mouth. She’ll know the mean thoughts he has and how he hurts himself and she’ll know about the bad nights when Holly has to comfort him. She’ll know just how helpless he feels even when he acts like he knows the answers to everything.
But she’s staring at him with such wide, open, and caring eyes. And Mike knows that she’ll accept him.
“Okay. You can do it.”
El nods and turns both of his palms so they face upwards. She places her own against his and closes her eyes. Mike does the same.
It’s quiet and still for a few minutes. It still feels like he’s on the front porch, wind blowing them just slightly on the bench swing. The porch light above them buzzes. But suddenly, El exhales, and it feels like his soul shifts.
He’s standing in a dark... area. Just nothingness. No beginning and no end. Just oddly illuminated black liquid below his feet. The Void. He recognizes the description from what El has told him.
She never mentioned how disjointed it feels. He feels so out of place. Like a full body tremble, but his body is still. His teeth taste faintly metallic. His head feels like it’s full of sparklers fizzing. Mike nearly collapses at the odd sensations, until El’s hand slips into his own.
“E....El?” he says, trying to blink himself back into an oriented state. His voice sounds like it echoes, but he only hears it once. El looks at him and smiles.
“You will get used to it. Breathe.”
Mike does as instructed, and feels better after a minute.
“Okay. I... I think I’m okay now. Now what?” he asks. El tilts her head like a puppy dog (which will forever be cute to Mike) as she thinks.
“I think... You need to focus on your feelings. The mem-or-ies will come.”
Mike tries his hardest to focus on the way he feels: the way he feels out of control and the way he feels when he upsets his friends.
And suddenly he’s standing hand-in-hand with El in the middle of his kitchen.
He’s about to ask her what’s going on, when he sees himself.
Mike, probably 6 years old, is standing at the bottom of the staircase, peering into the kitchen. Then the sound filters in.
“I just don’t get why you can’t get a job too Karen. It’s not that damn hard to sell clothes or some shit,” Ted Wheeler grumbles.
“Oh really?! You have no fucking clue how hard I work around this house! You have no idea how much work it takes to clean and cook and raise our fucking children Ted!”
“Don’t bullshit me. That’s easy work and I help raise these kids too. Don’t take so much credit.”
“You raise them?! You barely speak to them! You don’t even know how to talk to Nancy, and all you do is insult Mike. Just another deadbeat, just like your father,” Karen hisses.
Ted slams the beer bottle in his hand against the counter, shattering it into pieces. The young Mike whimpers from his place by the stairs and his parents whip around to look at him. His mother looks mortified. His father looks enraged.
“Go to your room Mike! Now!” yells Ted.
Young Mike races up the stairs, tears in his eyes. Mike and El follow him up as the scene in the kitchen fades behind them.
At the top of the staircase sits a younger Nancy. There are tear streaks evident on her face, and she kneads at the hem of her dress.
“Mike. Why are you down here?” young Nancy whispers. Mike hiccups and shrugs his shoulders.
“Well go to bed! You shouldn’t be down here,” Nancy says. Her voice is harsh, but Mike can see the pain and concern in her eyes. Young Mike doesn’t see it though. He runs to his room, shuts the door, and flops on his bed to cry.
El grips his hand tighter. Mike can feel tears streaming down his own face. He remembers how he felt in that moment. He feels it so deeply.
The scene changes.
Mike and El stand in a school hallway. It’s silent, like class is in session. The light through the window indicates afternoon however.
“Fifth grade...” Mike whispers, swallowing a lump in his throat. El strokes her thumb over the back of his hand.
Footsteps begin to be audible in the distance, and Mike pulls El against the wall. Soon enough, a 10 year old Will is running down the hall, 4 older boys chasing after him. The boys catch up to him at the end of the hall, and hold him in place with his arms behind his back. Will whines and wriggles, but he’s too tiny to escape.
“Aw c’mon puny little Byers; don’t you wanna play with us?” laughs one of the boys.
The older boys laugh and whisper among each other, apparently deciding on Will’s fate.
Will looks up to see Mike in the window of classroom directly across from him. His eyes go wide, and he shakes his head subtlety. The younger Mike stays put.
“Stop moving you idiot! You should know by now that you’re not getting away from us. You’re too fucking weak for that. A big brain won’t get you out of this,” the boy holding him laughs.
“Ha! This ugly little fairy thinks he can just wiggle his way out, huh? But no one’s coming to save you. None of your stupid little friends. No one cares about you. That’s why your dad left,” another boy hisses. It sets off the other kids into snickers.
“It seems he did a shit job of beating the gay out of you. Guess we’ll have to pick up for his slack,” the leader of the group says, readying up his arm for a punch.
“Shit guys, Mr. Neilson is coming. Scram!” one of the boys says, running from his lookout position at the end of the hall.
The older boys all run away, and the young Mike bolts to Will’s side as soon as they’ve rounded the corner.
Young Mike reaches down to help pull Will up.
“Hey, at least they didn’t hurt you!” he says, trying to be upbeat. Will give him a ‘oh really?’ look through his tears.
“I mean. Sorry. I just mean they didn’t physically hit you is all.”
“Yeah... I guess....” Will whispers.
“And hey! At least it was all stuff you already knew about yourself! You are pretty small and a nerd and stuff,” Mike attempts to joke.
“Screw you Mike,” Will says angrily, more tears spilling. He grabs his backpack and storms off through the hall.
“Wait! I didn’t mean.... I just.... I didn’t mean it like that... I was just trying to help,” young Mike trails off. He seems to realize what he had said, and whispers ‘shit’ to himself.
“God I’m such a fuckup. Can’t even comfort my own best friend. I didn’t even mean to be mean... damn it!” he grumbles. El inhales sharply as young Mike pulls at his hair tightly.
“Fuck fuck fuck,” he whispers.
Another scene change.
Mike is fighting with Lucas. It’s not an unfamiliar sight. Until Lucas yells:
“God Mike, you’re such a control freak!”
The words echo and echo, louder and louder. Images of Mike pop up in the Void before them. In each, he’s made a comment or decision that he regrets. Either he’s being chewed out or angrily stared at or ignored. The words ‘control freak’ echo in Mike’s voice after each one.
The sound grows overwhelming. Mike is about ready to explode, when it all stops.
A scene change. Flickering moments.
Before them stands a younger version of Mike. His mouth stays quiet, but he has a thought. The words echo in the space before them. The thought is well-expressed and helpful. But then he opens his mouth, and the words twist.
It repeats. Over and over. Moments in time when he said the wrong thing. Moments when he fucked up. The buildup to everything he feels now.
The scene changes again.
This time, it's Mike in his room at night. He flickers between different ages, anywhere from 8-14. In every image, he’s having one of his freak-outs in bed.
The real Mike ducks his head as El watches the mess in front of them.
The flickering images of Mike repeat words of self-hatred. The words overlap and intermingle, into chants and harmonies of cruel words inflicted on himself. The bodies hyperventilate and cry.
“Mike...” El chokes out. She takes a step closer and sees how the slideshow of him scratches at his skin.
“Mike...” she repeats with heartbreak. She looks down to his actual arm, pressed against hers. El turns his arm over, and stares furrow-browed at the clean skin in front of her. She glances back to the memories playing before them, and watches as he digs his nails into his shoulders. El tugs up his shirt sleeves. He lets her.
Mike hears her gasp quietly as she sees the half-moon scars and small scratches across his shoulders. They’re small enough to be unnoticed, but now El knows what caused them. She knows.
“Mike...” she says once more. Her voice is wobbly. Mike dares to look her in the eyes and watches as she cries.
There’s compassion there. Sympathy and empathy. She holds him close, even after seeing the mess he created. The mess that he is. El cups his face gently and kisses him.
He focuses on the feeling.
Suddenly, there’s noise around them. Another series of memories is playing.
They pull away, and watch as a young Mike stands up for a crying Dustin. Mike comforting Nancy when she gets a bad grade.
Mike blubbering and apologizing to Will for making fun of him after the bullies were so cruel.
In another image, Mike stands in front of El in a classroom, facing the Demogorgon head on. Mike calling El over the walkie-talkie, day 353. Another whispers reassurances to Will as the Mind Flayer lurks in his body.
The Void shows them Mike in bed crying again. But it continues to show Holly stepping in the room to hold him. It shows him quieting and holding her tight.
It shows him hugging El when she finally came home, and them kissing in her bedroom, and climbing trees together.
Finally, it quiets, and the two of them are left standing in the dark.
“Is... is that it?” Mike asks, voice wobbly.
“....Yes. But if you have more you want to show you can,” El says quietly. When he looks at her, he can see her steady support.
Mike thinks and thinks and finally remembers something he wants to show her. He focuses on that night.
A car door slams.
Hopper’s cruiser is parked in front of them. El’s breath hitches.
“But, there’s something very wrong with this thing between you and El,” Hopper says slowly.
“Oh you lying piece of shit!” Mike yells, reaching for the car door. The lock clicks down every time Mike tries to get out.
“You’re crazy!”
“Crazy? You want to see real crazy? You disrespect me again,” Hopper says in a quiet, but deep, grumbly voice. His eyes are crazy wide. El can’t help but laugh a bit at the fear in Mike’s eyes.
“Okay? Here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna drive you home. And I’m gonna speak and you’re gonna listen. And then maybe, maybe by the end of it, maybe if you’re lucky, maybe I will continue to let you date my daughter.”
“Nod if you understand,” Hopper stresses, voice growing louder. Mike nods jerkily from his place in the passenger seat.
The scene continues, with Hopper making more demands from Mike.
“Oh...” El breathes as they follow the conversation, finally connecting the pieces as to why Mike acted like he had.
The scene shifts to Mike’s basement. Mike hangs up the phone with a groan and flops on the sofa.
“Fuck. Lying to your girlfriend- really? She deserves better than that. God you’re such a fuck up.”
A series of movements as Mike moves through the mall looking for a gift. Finally, mirror images of themselves stand before them, facing off in front of the mall.
“I dump your ass,” the fired up El says.
The look of defeat when El and Max run away.
Returning from the mall, Lucas and Will heading downstairs while Mike goes to the bathroom upstairs. Tugging at his hair and crying quietly, before heading to the basement.
Mike shouting in the cabin.
“Because I love her and I don’t want to lose her again!”
The Void returns.
It’s quiet.
El turns to Mike and stares at him for a moment. She closes her eyes and suddenly they’re back in their real bodies, sitting on the same porch swing.
Mike blinks into the night, unsure of what time it is. He wiggles his fingers, still held by El, and feels how cold they’ve gone. It must have been a while. Mike looks up to see her still staring at him.
“Um... so... that was... a lot...” he mumbles out, feeling exposed.
“I’m sorry,” El responds immediately. Mike looks at her in confusion.
“For what?”
“I’m sorry. For not understanding before. You were holding a lot inside. I’m sorry you are sad. I’m sorry you have trouble talking right. I get it now. I understand,” El states seriously.
The words of acceptance hit Mike harder than he ever could have expected. Within moments, tears are streaming down his face. El pulls him in close, and tucks his head under her chin, holding him tight.
“I love you Mike,” she whispers into his hair.
Mike closes his eyes, and holds on tighter to her.
“I love you too.”
____________________
With El’s help, Mike manages to explain himself to his friends finally. It takes a lot of pauses, with El jumping in, and examples from painful memories. But eventually, he sees the understanding on everyone’s faces.
And they accept him. And they give him more time to think before he responds and offer him a chance to rephrase when he comes off too rude or bossy. Mike learns how to apologize and how to give up a bit of control here and there. Because he loves and trusts his friends to take the lead (only sometimes; they are still hot messes).
All because El took the time to understand. To listen. To love him.