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Minwoo’s finger froze inches away from the buzzer, his GAZE fixed to it as if it had teeth. He knew he had nothing to fear, yet he felt as if his entire world was going to collapse once he pressed the button. He had been here countless times before, drinking and carrying on like schoolboys with the Shinhwa members in spite of their age. He had crashed late nights right alongside Eric after spending hours reviewing management details, financial distributions, and contract conflicts.
But this time was different. This time they were all gathering to celebrate Eric and Ji-eun’s 1-year anniversary.
Beautiful, kind, a brilliant ZOOLOGY expert and just as nutty as her husband; all of the members agreed that Ji-eun was the perfect match for Eric. It amused them to watch him get scolded for his off-the-wall antics. It gave them mockery ammunition when it was clear that he was in the dog house because he fucked up being silly or careless. And it brought them joy when even complaining about her brought a smile to Eric’s face.
She was not the problem and never would be. The problem was him.
Being a spectator to his friend’s new married life was entertaining for the reasons previously stated. Minwoo liked that there was a tidy feminine touch to the home that was never present before. He liked how trivial things like bath towels, aprons, and coffee mugs had a his and her distinction. And he liked some of the miniscule decorative changes she made to the condo like plants, tapestries of majestic animals, and a tiny Zen garden set up on a shelf in the living room.
What got to Minwoo were the pictures that haunted every step he took. Photos from the wedding, vacations on Jeju Island, and other displays of dorky togetherness. The stares they exchanged when in the same room that only they could understand. That knowing that someone would be right there at night to provide a warm embrace and a comforting kiss when the world was breaking apart all around you.
In their 20+ years of friendship, Minwoo never felt more envious of Eric as he did now that the other had a life partner.
“You gonna press it or…?”
Minwoo snapped from his reverie when a familiar voice arose from behind him. With a start, he turned to see Hyesung standing with one hand on his hip and the other gesturing towards the door.
“Ah, yeah. My bad.” Minwoo stammered.
As always, Hyesung wore a pair of stylish glasses that now sat atop his head of dyed blonde hair. Dressed in a casual dress shirt and black slacks, he looked effortlessly chic. As if on a runaway, his long slender legs seemed to glide as he strutted pass Minwoo once Ji-eun came to the door. Still in a weird state of mind, Minwoo just looked at them greet each other, both smiling radiant.
Both beautiful.
“Yah! Good to see you bastards.” Eric exclaimed with excitement when they finally entered the condo.
“Who you callin’ a bastard, Bastard?” Hyesung joked back.
Eric grinned, giving the tall man a forceful hug. Hyesung pretended to cringe but accepted it with a laugh. Ji-eun informed them that everyone was already there and food was ready in the dining room.
Everyone who mattered was there. The couple had hosted a grand dinner for their families, but this intimate gathering was purely for those who could accept things outside of their perfect picture marriage. They were all close friends who bought movies, booze, foul language, and the quintessential parts of what a real party should be.
After some deliciously marinated steaks and a couple rounds of soju, the house was in an uproar of laughter. Some of Ji-eun’s friends cheered wildly as Minwoo engaged Jun-Jin in a drunken dance battle. Dongwan was half-strewn over the couch, breathe fanning Eric’s face as he gave him anecdotes about marriage.
“Yah yah, yah!”
“Hey! I can fucking hear you!”
“Happy wife: happy life.”
“I knooooow!”
Hyesung sat quietly in a recliner, scoping everyone out, his face flush pink from the alcohol. He would randomly laugh when someone would say something foolish, knowing very well that he was stuck in the chair so he could avoid doing the same thing. Andy’s mouth gaped open, snoring loudly as he slumped over in a chair across from him.
Dizzy from the movement, Minwoo and Jin collapsed into dining chairs, where very little guests remained, slowly snacking on food laid out on the table. Ji-eun staggered a little as she walked to her husband, insisting that it was time to kick everyone out. He was reluctant at first, until he realized with a nudge and a wink why she was really clearing out the house. The rest of their guests got the hint, and so the lot of them filed out and went their separate ways.
“Hey. Who wants to go for another round with me?” offered Hyesung, to which most declined.
“I’ll take you up on that offer.” Minwoo volunteered.
…
They ventured to Hyesung’s favorite spot, a secluded little bar on the eastside of his district. It was dim, jazzy, and smelled of cigars mixed with perfume. A lounge singer dressed in a red sequence gown waved her gloved hand as she sang a sweet tune of lovers lost and found once again.
Hyesung ordered a few rounds of whiskey, something much stronger than his usual. It didn’t take much longer for him to spill why exactly he was drinking in excess.
“Do you ever just feel like your life was just produced in a FACTORY? Like you’re just a toy fixed with all the gizmos and gadgets made to be perfect for BROADCAST? And when you finally breakdown, people just discard you and pick up a new toy?”
Minwoo took a big gulp of his drink. He felt warm all over, the alcohol in his system erasing any traces of the cool breeze from outside. He unbuttoned his shirt a little and fan his chest with the collar.
“I mean, yeah.” He replied. “We’re idols, or rather we were. That’s our foundation. The young ones are taking over now, but maybe we’re better off being fossils. People appreciate history.”
“History huh.” Scoffed Hyesung, irritated at the word. “Is that what’s happening to us? Eric got married, next thing you know he’ll have a kid, and the rest of us are supposed to follow suit and watch TV with our families reminiscing about the good old days?”
“Hyesung-ah…are you having a mid-life crisis?”
Hyesung stared blankly for a moment, then sighed heavily and picked up his drink.
“Shit. Probably.”
Minwoo laughed. Hyesung scowled at huim, feeling mocked, but Minwoo waved a hand in surrender.
“No no. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just funny because for different reasons, I know how you feel.”
Hyesung downed his drink and waved down a waitress to order more.
“Oh yeah? What are your reasons?”
“Mine?”
Minwoo paused, realizing that he had left himself wide open. He would have to admit to his ailments. The loneliness of being a bachelor and how empty he felt when someone he slept with called a taxi to go home. The fact that he was brimming with envy and scornfully wished that they would get a DIVORCE. The fact that his heartfelt torture was dragging on for all these years because the man he loved was suiting right across the table from him and didn’t realize it…
Wait, the man I….
The drinks arrived and it felt like the only one who noticed his long pause was Minwoo himself. Hyesung leaned back against the cushioned seat and sipped slowly.
“I’m sure we all have those reasons.” He said, slipping from frustration into reflection. “The only one whose got it figured out, that balance between being old and defective versus new and inventive, is Eric.”
Minwoo chuckled bitterly.
“Who would have thought it.”
“Not I!” Hyesung proclaimed, then the two laugh, coming from a similar place of pride and jealousy.
…
Minwoo stumbled into Hyesung’s apartment with the tall man slung over his shoulder, walking wobbly and dependent on Minwoo. It was difficult to support him. The room felt topsy-turvy and every step took way more energy than usual. Finally, his leg bumped the edge of Hyesung’s mattress and both singers fell over.
“Damnit.”
Minwoo was trapped beneath Hyesung, the other man grumbling as if asleep entirely. He breathed into the covers, his face covered in sweat from his labor. Hyesung was far heavier than he looked.
“I gotta move at some point,” he informed him.
“Yeah, I…I’m sorry,” apologized Hyesung, getting himself to roll off of Minwoo and onto his back. Minwoo rolled the opposite direction and stared up at the ceiling, gasping for air.
Minwoo felt hot all over, like he’d been trapped in a sauna against his will for hours on end. His nerves were shot and his temples throbbed, sending a striking pain through his head as feverish thoughts of Hyesung laying beside him so beautiful and rugged pushed through his dizzy mind.
“Shit,” he cursed. “I don’t wanna be here.”
“Then fucking leave,” Hyesung complained, bringing both hands to his face and COMBing his hands through his sweat-soaked hair. “You’re not under ARREST. You’re not strapped down anywhere with a ball gag in your mouth trapped in a HARNESS against some wall in a dungeon.”
Minwoo shivered. That image in his mind didn’t help anything. The air felt thin and his breath shortened, seeing the Hyesung in his fervent mind holding a flogger, ready to strike his naked body.
“Hyesung-ah,” he whimpered. “Please just, shut up for a minute. I need to get up and you’re making things hard for me.”
A now angered Hyesung sat and shouted.
“What the hell are you even…”
Hyesung had paused far too long than what was comfortable. Anxious and fearful, Minwoo struggled to sit up and felt a tight discomfort in his pants. Propped on his elbows, he glanced down, noting at once exactly what made Hyesung freeze.
Minwoo opened his mouth to explain and closed it again. What was he supposed to say? Would his friend believe that it was just drunkenness flowing through his body, swimming in his head, then shot down to his dick? Was he expecting him to believe that he was not aware of the implications of their current predicament?
“Hyesung-“
“Don’t.”
It felt as if Hyesung had crammed a bolder down his throat and stopped him from talking. He felt choked up, like he wouldn’t be able to form words ever again until Hyesung willed him to. Yet the room kept shifting and now felt like it had flipped on its axis, and what was up was now down and what was forward was backwards.
“I’ll…help you to the door.”
And then the bolder sank and plummeted to the pit of his stomach, heavy and hard at his flimsy chord. He fucked up. He let his guard down at the worse time. Right when all he should have been thinking about was how truly happy he was for their good friend and leader.
How did he fuck up so bad?
The two ent to the door in silencve after Hyesung pulled Minwoo off the bed. The taller singer said nothing, torturing Minwoo as he followed his back in silence. Minwoo stepped over the threshold and out into the cold hallway, his body shook by the difference in temperature. He was afraid to say anything more, until Hyesung called his name.
When Minwoo turned around, Hyesung reached out and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, shocking him more than the cold had done. He gaped at Hyesung, who wore an unreadable expression on his face, eyes deadest on Minwoo’s.
“It’s okay.” He smiled warmly. “Me too.”
The world tunneled. Hyesung pulled his hand away and turned his back to go inside. All Minwoo could do was stare at him through his narrowed vision and watch as the door slammed in his face.
Minwoo stood stock still in the hallway, goosebumps littering his skin, the hazy drunkenness slipping away, coming to the realization that all he knew and all that he felt had just changed in the blink of an eye.
And he liked it.