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Robert found himself staring at the wall. He did that a lot lately, thinking about what could have been, things he’d have done differently.
“Oi, Sugden.” He looked up to see Josh throwing him a letter. The first post of the new year, now that everything had gotten back to normal. Normal, what a joke that was.
He took the envelope and recognised Vic’s handwriting. She might have had the baby by now. He might be an uncle. Again. He saw that it had already been opened by prison staff and felt the prickle of unease up his spine. It was the simple things he didn’t even think about when he was free that he found himself missing now.
Robert opened it, then promptly dropped it on the table in his cell. Aaron’s handwriting. He’d have recognised it anywhere. “Please read this” were the only words he caught before dropping it, and his heart was racing. Aaron had written to him. He’d done his best to cut off contact, but he couldn’t exactly stop him sending letters to the prison, and… fucking hell.
“God, what’s with you?” Josh said, seeing Robert staring at the letter. He hadn’t picked it up, but he now did, feeling the weight of it. It didn’t feel like just a brief note.
“That letters…. from someone I didn’t expect,” Robert finished, holding the envelope.
“Well… are you going to read it, or just leave it sitting there like it’s going to explode?” Josh asked. Robert honestly didn’t know what option he’d prefer right now. He missed Aaron so much, it was like having a limb cut off. Josh left him alone and Robert picked up the letter. “Liv’s been in hospital again. Another seizure. She hit her head and had to have a couple of stitches.” Had he opened with that so he’d keep reading? Probably. A good shout really.
“She’s home now, but I’m still worried. I wish you’d talk to me. You have to know what this is doing to me, you’re not that stupid, you're just not. I’m going out of my mind here. But I know you Robert, you’re not in a much better state, you can’t be. I don’t care what you tell Vic.”
“Do you honestly expect me to move on?” Aaron wrote. “Did you think I only loved you because it was easy? Even though you have literally never been easy.” Robert smiled at that, probably the first smile he’d managed in weeks. “It’s really hard to have a relationship when you won’t talk to me. You want me to have the best life? Who says that’s not with you? I didn’t marry you because it was going to be easy, I wanted messed up with you forever. I need to talk to you, Robert. I can’t do this without talking to you.”
“I ran off the other week. Chas and Liv thought I’d gone to kill myself, so that will tell you how well I’m doing right now. Was that part of your master plan? To leave me in such a state that the logical assumption is that I’ve topped myself? Because I know you, and what we have is the real thing. I don’t want to get over you and meet someone else, I just want you. I don’t care if that’s five minutes on the phone a night and one half an hour visit a month. I need you. Oh, I slept with someone yesterday. Does that make you feel better? Is that moving on the way you clearly wanted me to? All it did was make me feel worse. But then I guess you’re familiar with that.”
“Robert, please call me.” Inside the envelope was Robert’s wedding ring, and he tipped it out, resting on the palm of his hand. Aaron had sent it back to him? Why? His mind was running with far too many thoughts to grip hold of, and he slowly slid the ring on, thinking fast.
He’d do what Aaron said, it was all he could do to stop himself from running to the phone. When the minutes crawled by, he eventually called Aaron, waiting for it to connect. “Robert?” he said quietly.
“You slept with someone else?”
“I thought that might get you angry enough to call me,” Aaron said. “Don’t hang up.”
“All right.” There was a silence between them. “If you don’t want me to hang up, you’ve got to say something.”
“Did you get the ring?”
“Yes,” Robert said. “I’m wearing it.”
“Good,” Aaron said. “I’m wearing mine too.”
“So, someone else?” Robert asked, pushing the point.
“I thought that’s what you wanted,” Aaron said, voice hard.
“In theory,” Robert said. “I’m not sure I like the reality of it.”
“I can’t move on, Robert,” Aaron said. “Stop forcing me to.”
“Who was it?”
“I don’t know,” Aaron said.
“Aaron…”
“No, I genuinely don’t,” Aaron said. “I never knew his name, he didn’t know mine, he was barely here twenty minutes.”
“Here,” Robert said hollowly. “At the house then?”
“Sorry,” Aaron said. “I can’t feel any worse about it.”
“How about I give it a shot,” Robert said lowly. “Look, I don’t mean that, I’ve cut you off completely, I can’t blame you for it. Still hurts.”
“Yeah,” Aaron said. “I understand what you’ve done. But that hurts too.”
“Fair enough.”
They’d talked on the phone several more times, and in March, Robert agreed that Aaron could come for a visit. It was all Aaron could do not to get the first flight down south, then the ferry to the island in fear the opportunity would be taken away. But Robert didn’t change his mind. The night before Aaron had had a very sleepless night but he didn’t care. He was too excited to see Robert, and hoped he felt the same.
Aaron found Robert waiting for him in the visiting room and they both smiled, albeit a bit tentatively. It had been six months more of less since they’d laid eyes on each other. Robert moved first, hugging him and Aaron sighed into his neck. He smelt familiar and like home.
“Hi,” Robert said as they sat down. “You look amazing. Your hair looks good longer.”
“Is that what we’re talking about?” Aaron asked, smiling at him
“I’ve missed you,” Robert said. “So much.”
“Please, I need you to promise me you won’t cut off contact again,” Aaron said. “I don’t know if I’d survive it.”
“I’m not going to promise never,” Robert said and Aaron looked away, annoyed. "Because there might be a time when it’s easier for you to let me go.”
“Do you see that time existing for you?” Aaron asked.
“No,” Robert said.
“I love you the same way you love me,” Aaron said. “There is no one else.”
“Except…”
“A mistake,” Aaron said. “I am so sorry. I really am.”
“I don’t want to waste time talking about him,” Robert said. “Tell me about how you’re doing? What home looks like? Stupid village stories. Just talk to me about anything. I want to hear your voice and just look at you.”
Aaron smiled and squeezed his hand across the table before talking about Doug's veg patch. Anything normal.
Robert hugged Aaron so tightly that he felt breathless on the second visit. “Careful you don’t suffocate me!” Aaron said, grinning as he sat down.
“You look great,” Aaron said. “Maybe you shouldn’t, being in prison, but God you do.” Robert grabbed his hand.
“Have you told the family yet?” Robert asked. “About seeing me. Or us?”
“No,” Aaron said. “I know mum won’t be happy, and Liv… I don’t know what she’d think. They all think I’m getting over you, so… I don’t know.”
“Where did you tell them you were?”
“London,” Aaron said. “Lads night out or a dirty weekend, I didn’t go into details.”
“Not nearly as much of a dirty weekend as I’d like,” Robert flirted and Aaron grinned.
“I will tell them, but I like having you to myself,” Aaron said. “Sorry, that sounds weird. They’d only try and talk me out of it.”
“You’re stubborn when you’ve got a mind to be, I know,” Robert said. “Can I kiss you when you leave today? I’ve been dreaming of your mouth for ages.”
“What about…?” Aaron asked, looking around.
“I’ve got pictures of our wedding day up in my cell,” Robert said. “If they’ve not cottoned on yet, they’re slow.”
“I’d love a kiss,” Aaron said, grinning. “It will pass, you know. It will. You won’t be in here for 14 years.”
“I hope not.”
Aaron managed to keep it quiet that he was seeing Robert again until after Christmas. Liv knew he was speaking to Robert on the phone, she lived with him so it was hard to miss, but no one knew he was seeing him. Scrap runs, meeting an old school friend, even going out on the pull once. His family didn’t want details, and he didn’t want to give them.
But after Christmas, Robert’s second one inside, Aaron decided it was time to pull the trigger and tell his mum. He could no more let Robert go than stop breathing. Chas came around to drop off his birthday present in January, and he wanted to come clean.
“I need to talk to you,” Aaron said. “About Robert.”
“Have you met someone?” she asked softly. Aaron was lighter than he'd been in ages and she'd suspected that was the reason why.
“Not exactly,” Aaron said. “Me and Robert have talked, and we’re going to work it out. I’m waiting for him to come out of prison.”
“It’ll be half a life,” Chas said sadly.
“Half a life with him is better than one without him,” Aaron said. “I tried. Okay, someone else will come along. Great. But it’s not him.”
“Thirteen years is a very long time,” Chas warned. “I want you to be happy.”
Aaron kept quiet. The prison service had asked Robert to go undercover to try and snipe a drugs ring. He’d talked it through with Aaron first, but if it was successful, it would essentially mean ten years off his sentence. It was a game changer for them and their marriage. If it worked. “Robert makes me happy. Hearing him on the phone? It’s the most alive I’ve been since he was arrested. I don’t expect you to understand, but don’t try to talk me out of it.”
“Okay,” Chas said. “Happy Birthday.”
Aaron had been kept in the dark. After the undercover operation was blown open, Robert had been relocated and Aaron didn’t know anything. Well, that Robert was alive, he knew that much. So Aaron, while frustrated, simply had to wait until the prison service crossed all the Ts and had finished with Robert. He hoped it would be worth it in the end.
Which is why he was completely unprepared for when Robert walked into the pub. The pint glass had been halfway to Aaron’s mouth and he gaped at Robert who smiled slowly at him. It was almost like time had stopped and Aaron got up and walked towards him.
“Long time no see,” Robert said, the grin reaching his eyes.
“You’re back for good?” Aaron asked.
“Yeah.” Aaron leaned up and kissed him deeply, right there in the middle of the pub, having to get on tip toes to do it. Robert squeezed him, holding him close as the kiss went on and on. A few of the punters were laughing, almost tittering about the floor show, but Robert and Aaron did not care.
“Come home,” Aaron said. Robert didn’t argue.