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“Brenna?”
Brenna looks up to find Major Samantha Carter at her door. It’s been three weeks since she and SG1 were rescued from what used to be her home and she has seen the Major no more than a handful of times.
“Major Carter, please come in.” Brenna smiles, noting right away that the Major looks tense, nervous even. She enters slowly and closes the door behind her.
“You’re ready to leave?” Major Carter asks, her eyes scanning the bags that rest on the bed.
“Yes, your General Hammond has assured me that the people of the planet you have selected will welcome me. I leave tomorrow.” Brenna tries to hide her nerves, but she can tell from the sympathetic look she receives that she hasn’t done a very good job.
“And Dr Fraiser is happy for you to leave?”
“Ah,” Brenna gestures to her arm. “This?” She asks. “Yes, the infection is now completely gone. I had so hoped to travel last week but Dr Fraiser was concerned about my recovery.” Brenna had planned on leaving after just one week but a few days into her recovery she had developed a fever and had been informed that an infection had found its way into her wound. She had been incredibly ill for six days, and now, days after the infection left her system, she is finally ready to leave Earth.
“And you’re sure that you don’t want to return to-“
“No, there’s no place for me there. I‘m an enemy of the workers because I lied to them for so long, and the people of the city hate me for being a part of revealing the truth.” Brenna looks away sadly. She would miss her friends and her parents, but they wouldn’t understand what she had done, why she’d finally broken and revealed the truth. She hadn’t known what SG1 would do when she told them the truth, but she knew they would change everything.
And they had.
The women stand in silence for a few moments before Brenna turned to face her visitor. “I wanted to apologise again for what we did to your team.” She had already apologised to SG1 as they gathered around her in the infirmary with General Hammond, but she couldn’t help but feel the need to do it again.
“Brenna, it’s okay-“
“What we did to the workers, it was…deceitful and selfish.” Brenna takes a moment to meet Major Carter’s stare and really look at her for the first time since the start of the conversation. She looks like she might have lost more weight in the three weeks since their return and she has dark circles under her eyes.
“But what we did to you…it was cruel, and I am so sorry.” She watches as the Major’s gaze slips to the floor, her teeth graze her bottom lip and her fingernails dig into the skin of her palms.
Brenna has thought a lot about SG1 and what she had done to them. The workers had been severely mistreated and that on its own was unforgivable, but what they had done to SG1 had been nothing short of monstrous. They had been stripped of their memories, given new ones and almost killed.
She had felt bad before she’d been brought to the SGC on Earth, but the guilt had only increased once she spent more time with SG1. Dr Jackson had been so kind and understating, Teal’c had said very little but had been the one to catch her and carry her to the infirmary when the infection had taken over her body. They were good men who hadn’t deserved the mind warp she had imposed on them.
It was Colonel O’Neill and Major Carter who made her feel most guilt. She had watched them closely during their time in the mines and had found comfort in the fact that, even with new identities, they had found each other. She had wondered if the pair had been lovers on their own planet, perhaps that was why they had found each other so quickly in the mines and slipped into the close relationship? It was only later when Dr Jackson explained that the officers were not allowed to have a relationship that she fully understood what damage the stamp could have done.
After being shot and taken to the SGC, Brenna had woken in the infirmary during Major Carter’s medical examination with Dr Fraiser and had heard her tell the Dr, on the other side of the curtain, that she hadn’t engaged in any kind of sexual activity while she was off world.
This had surprised the former underground manager slightly, but she supposed there wasn’t much privacy in the mines. She also wondered if the little hints of their previous lives had kept them from crossing the line. She was relieved, especially after her conversation with Dr Jackson and his explanation of how much trouble they could have found themselves in had they pursued something of a sexual nature. She was relieved that they hadn’t but felt so sorry for them, she knew love when she saw it.
Brenna thinks Dr Jackson told her about the regulations because of his own suspicions, but also, to ensure that if something had happened and she’d known, she wouldn’t share it.
She turns to the woman in front of her. Major Carter doesn’t say anything. It is clear to Brenna that the blonde woman is struggling but trying incredibly hard to hold herself together. She doesn’t have the right to ask if the woman is okay, she isn’t and it’s partly her fault so instead she tries to change the subject and ask about the nature of the visit. “Is there something that I can help you with?”
She watches as Major Carter inhales and meets her stare.
-SJ-
Sam exhales slowly. Watching as absorbs the words she has spoken.
“I...” Brenna starts, clearly thrown by the request. “Major Carter this is... do you realise what you’re asking?”
“Can you do it?” she asks, taking a step towards Brenna.
“We shouldn’t be talking about this.” The other woman is clearly uncomfortable, she shifts nervously from one foot to the other.
“Brenna, please? Can it be done?” Sam knows that she probably sounds desperate. She is.
“It can...”
“And do you know how to do it?” Sam pushes. She knows that what she’s asking for is wrong and probably dangerous. She knows that it is unfair to ask Brenna to do such a thing but really, it’s her fault that she has to.
“I do, but I really don’t think-“
“Brenna…” Sam closes her eyes, desperate to stop the tears that have formed from falling. She takes a few deep breaths before opening her eyes. “Please.”
-SJ-
It takes less than an hour for Sam to bring the equipment to Brenna. No body questions why she is moving the technology, no one asks where she is taking it. These people have placed so much trust in her, and she’s about to abuse it for her own personal gain.
“Major Carter, are you sure?”
“You said there’s very little chance of danger?” Sam asks, as if that’s the only issue with this plan.
“That’s correct but… it could fail, or could eventually wear off-“
“But it’s unlikely if it was just one specific memory?” Sam uses Brenna’s own words against her. Her mind is made up, there is nothing Brenna can say to stop her, Sam has no choice.
“I know that this must be…very difficult for you-“
“No, no you don’t.” Sam stops meddling with the device and meets Brenna’s stare for the first time since she re-entered the room. Sam sighs, she knows that in order to convince Brenna she is going to have to confess her darkest sin. “It only happened once…”
-SJ-
Jack rolls over in his bed for the fifth time in just a couple of minutes. The last three weeks have been nothing short of hell. Trying to remember little details about his real life when his fake life keeps creeping in has been confusing and draining, but that isn’t the real problem.
His dreams are full of memories of his time as Jonah, memories of the mine, of Brenna, Tor, Keagan and Carlin. He wakes up sometimes and is confused, he doesn’t know where he is, sometimes he doesn’t know who he is, but he can deal with it. What he can’t deal with are the dreams of Thera, the memories of their time together.
It had only happened once. But once is enough.
After days, maybe weeks of tentative touches, gentle flirting and quiet chats something switched in them both. There had been another build up of pressure, another near death situation and he had been burned badly on his arm. She had offered to help to clean his wound, the infirmary on the ice planet had been full of those who were seriously injured. She’d barely finished when he’d kissed her, really kissed her. He can’t explain what drove him to do it, but he couldn’t help himself. She was so damn beautiful, and she was there, right in front of him.
It had all happened so quickly; he’d kissed her, and she’d kissed him back. Within seconds she was pressed against the wall, her hands slipping under his shirt as she pulled his body against hers.
He remembers thinking, just after, that the whole thing had felt as though they had been working through years of pent up want and need and he hadn’t understood it then, he does now.
It had surprised them both. When it was over, he’d let her down and stepped away from her, quietly apologising as they both dressed. She’d opened her mouth to reply only to stop when they heard Carlin, no, Daniel calling their names. They hadn’t had the chance to talk about it. They hadn’t had the chance to profess anything more than the ‘feelings’ they had already admitted to.
He clenches his fist as images of her assault his mind, he can hear her moans and sighs, he can feel her…
He turns for the sixth time.
-SJ-
“I’m so sorry,” Brenna speaks quietly, she now understands exactly why Sam needs her help.
“I just…I need to forget. I can’t…” She stops. She can’t stop thinking about it, about him and how she feels about him. She wishes that they’d had the chance to speak, to use real words to describe how they felt. She can’t help but wonder what might have happened if they had.
She wonders if it would have been so easy to walk away if it hadn’t just been a moment of weakness, a moment pf physical need in a quiet corner of the mines. Her stomach flip as she thinks about what might have happened if they had made love, if they had professed the emotions that had long hung over them for months. Would they have told General Hammond? Would they have refused to pretend, refused to pack even more into the oh so crowded room?
“You’ll lose your job?” Brenna asks, convincing herself, slowly, that helping her is the right thing to do.
“Yes.”
“I…Forgive me for asking but if you feel-“
“One of us would have to leave and… we’re both needed here. We’re in the middle of a war with the Goa’uld.” Sam wonders if she sounds arrogant, but she doesn’t really care. She knows how vital both she and the Colonel are to this programme and she won’t threaten that, not for a
Sam has thought about going to him, about speaking to him but honestly, she’s terrified. He hasn’t approached her, he’s avoided her and she isn’t brave enough to do anything other than follow his lead.
They’ve been in the same room a handful of times since their return and every time she has felt a strange hybrid of shame and desire that makes the ache in her chest even more unbearable. Her fingers itch with the need to touch him while she desperately avoids all eye contact with him.
She can’t cope with the reality of Major Carter and Colonel O’Neill and seeing him every day is killing her. She thought it would get better, she thought that once she got used to being back on earth that she would be able to move on, but it gets worse every day.
Every time she looks at him, she thinks about what they did.
She had hated lying to Janet, to General Hammond and Daniel and Teal’c but she’d had to. If she had told them about the true nature of Jonah and Thera’s relationship, she would have been removed from SG1.
“And are you sure that there won’t be any further… reminders about what happened?”
“I’m not pregnant.” She isn’t mad at Brenna for asking, it could have happened, they hadn’t used protection.
“I’m sorry.” Brenna takes a step towards Sam, wanting to reach out and comfort the other woman.
“You…You’re sure that you can erase those few hours?”
“Yes, as I said before we haven’t practiced it for many years, but I was trained in specific memory removal. I’ll also work to remove memories of our conversation.”
“Thank you.”
“Would you… Would you like to speak to Colonel O’Neill first?”
“No.” Sam ignores the pounding in her chest, she can’t speak to him about this, but if she did she knows what he would say. He wouldn’t want her to do this but she has no choice. He would try to convince her to hold on, that it will get better, that they should just try to move on. She isn’t as strong as him, she can’t forget what happened and after everything they’ve been though, she’s scared that this is one step too far. She can just about forget feelings, ignore them and pretend they don’t exist, but she can’t forget this. She can’t stop her stomach from flipping every time she sees him, she can’t stop the deep ache that seems to have seeped into her bones, she can’t ignore the voice in her head that is getting louder and louder, encouraging her to leave the SGC because she just can’t keep pretending that she doesn’t love him, not now.
“There’s one more thing I need from you when this is done…”
-SJ-
“Uh, you wanted to see me?” Jack asks, walking slowly into Brenna’s temporary quarters. He is confused by her sudden urge to see him, but he won’t tell her that.
“Yes, Colonel, thank you. Please sit down.”
“I’d rather stand. What’s this about?” Jack watches as she takes a deep breath.
“Um, Major Carter asked me to speak to you.”
“She did?”
“Yes.” Brenna can’t help but note how he is suddenly on alert, suddenly invested in the conversation. “She… she came to me to ask for my help.”
Jack’s heart sinks. What could she possibly need Brenna’s help with? Different scenarios run through his mind, each one worse than the last. “Is she okay?”
“She…She told me about what happened between you both on the ice planet.” Brenna waits for his reaction but there isn’t one. The man has been trained well to hide his reactions. He stands in front of her with a blank expression on his face.
“Is there…” he stops and takes a second to think before he starts again. “Is there something I need to know?”
Brenna knows that he is asking her if Major Carter is pregnant. She wants to assure him as quickly as she can that this is not the case. “Major Carter asked me to use the technology from my planet to erase the memories so that you can both go back to your working relationship.”
“What?”
“She believes that it was the best thing for you both, considering the nature of your relationship and the guidelines that you have to follow.”
“Where is she?” He has to talk to her. He feels something akin to panic building in the pit of his stomach. Why has he waited to talk to her? He knew that’s he was struggling, she wouldn’t meet his eye, had barely said a word in his presence. He knew he needed to talk to her but he’d avoided it because he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to say and because he was terrified that he would do what he wanted, reach for her and pull her into his arms, into a bed.
“I…I already performed the procedure. She was…she was in a great deal of pain.” Brenna watches as Colonel O’Neill takes it all in. “She asked me to tell you, and to offer you the same thing. She believes that it is best for you both if you erase this memory and move on.”
After a few moments of silence Jack speaks, “Is she okay?”
“She seemed…” Brenna considers her words carefully, “much lighter.” And she had. After a few moments of confusion Sam had left Brenna’s room with a soft smile of her face. Everything about her had seemed much more at ease, her face was no longer etched with grief, her shoulders were loose.
“She did not take this lightly Colonel.”
“Yeah.” Jack sighs and wipes a hand across his face. “She thinks I should do it too?” He trusts his 2IC, even now.
“She believes that you are both still essential in your planets fight against the Goa’uld and that this is too great a burden to bear for you both.”
-SJ-
Minutes later Jack is lying on the bed, watching as Brenna leans over him. He closes his eyes and gets a flash of Carter’s body pressed against his, of her lips on his neck, her hands gripping his shoulders.
Suddenly he isn’t sure that he wants to forget. He knows he should, that those memories are torturing him and will continue to do so. He knows that the procedure will allow them both to move on, to go back to saving the world, to be able to look each other in the eye without thinking about what they’d done. But he doesn’t know if he will ever get to feel that again to love her like that again, he knows that there’s a chance that one or both of them won’t survive this war.
“I’m about to start the procedure,” Brenna speaks softly.
He opens his eyes. “Wait.”