Chapter Text
People say the eyes are the window to the soul. They say it's poetic.
For me, it's too literal, mockery even.
For me, the eyes are a pedestal for emotions and secrets you are forced to share with the world.
Green for jealousy.
Blue for sadness.
Red for anger.
Yellow for joy.
Purple for disgust.
Grey for disappointment.
Black for exhaustion.
Turquoise for fear.
White for heartbreak.
And pink.
Bright pink for love.
How can anyone enjoy their loss of privacy?
How can anyone enjoy losing the ability to keep their most precious secrets?
Sometimes I just wish the world didn't have color at all.
But of course fate just had to make him shine in the most beautiful colors I've ever seen.
How is this fair?
Min Yoongi always was the most thorough when it came to covering his eyes. He hated having his feelings on a silver platter for the whole world to see and judge. So he never leaves the privacy of his room without colored contact lenses or sunglasses. In the beginning, the others thought it was weird that Yoongi even did it in the dorm where no one except them could see it, but decided to just let him be since they knew how hard it was for him to be confronted about his feelings. No one saw Yoongi without his contact lenses in a long time.
Of course, ARMY always asked them to just go outside and perform without their lenses,and sometimes, some of them even did. Jungkook once had a whole stadium gasping and shouting after his eyes suddenly turned pink while flying over ARMY during Euphoria. It happened rarely, but when it did, it was planned and controlled. So when during one of the stops in america Yoongi lost one of his lenses, all hell broke loose.
That day, he wore natural brown lenses throughout the whole concert, as usual. The concert went without major incidents, and everyone was having a blast. The show was slowly coming to an end, all seven of them ended their ments and got ready to perform Make It Right. Yoongi loved performing that song, just walking over the stage, looking at all the beautiful people in the audience, smiling, waving, and of course he loved the displays of affection between the members.
Yoongi stood at the edge of the catwalk, trying to lock eyes with as many ARMY's as possible, when he noticed one of the members coming up to him a bit too fast out the corner of his eye. Before he could brace himself for the impact of the incoming body, he got tackled into a tight hug, barely avoiding crashing to the floor. His nose was filled with a soft citrusy smell he loved oh so much, mixed with sweat, and maybe, only maybe, Yoongi should be questioning why he immediately recognized Hoseok by the smell.
The younger was giggling into his neck, his heart shaped smile blinding as he pulled back. Hoseok turned to face the crowd, pressed his body into Yoongi's side, slid his left arm around his hip, and lifted his other arm over his head, forming a half of a heart. It took Yoongi a second, but he lifted his arm as well to complete the heart. They both swayed from side to side a bit, smiling at the crowd who was now copying their movements. The moment ended as quickly as it started, with Hoseok letting go and leaving to interact with some more ARMY's, leaving Yoongi's side cold and empty.
Since it was late in the year, it was quite chilly, and of course Yoongi was unlucky enough to catch a slight cold, which left him with an aching throat and dry eyes, especially after such an intense concert. His dry eyes really started to hurt at this point, but he couldn’t go down to get his eye drops because their last ment was about to start, so he had no other choice than to just pull through.
Everyone gathered in the middle of the extended stage, starting their ending ment. He stood there, listening to the others talk as he watched ARMY's in the crowd, trying to ignore the intense stinging in his eyes. His own ment was short but heartfelt and emotional.
When Hoseok started talking, his gaze immediately turned to the younger rapper, a habit he gave up to control. As the stinging in his eyes got worse, he started to rub his right eye, the friction and the dryness ultimately causing his contact lens to fall out without him noticing. With the relief of the stinging slowly reducing, he continued to watch Hoseok who was in the middle of his ment.
The crowd was relatively quiet to listen to him, but suddenly the whole stadium broke out in nervous and excited chatter. It caught the boys off-guard since Hoseok didn't say anything that would explain this reaction, so they just looked around and at each other in confusion. Taehyung glanced at the small monitors at the edge of the stage which showed them the same picture as the big screens behind them, and noticed that the cameraman focused on Yoongi, who was still staring at Hoseok. With only one contact lens. And one pink eye.
Taehyung immediately whipped around to the actual Yoongi standing next to him, only to be greeted by one bright pink eye. He followed his gaze to Hoseok and back to Yoongi before the rapper noticed his eyes on him, so he turned to look at him with a confused expression, his exposed eye shifting into a bright yellow as they locked eyes. Taehyung slowly lifted his finger to point at his own right eye. It took the rapper a moment, but when he understood what Taehyung was implying, he whipped his head around to look at the small monitor. When he saw his own, exposed eye, for the whole stadium to see, absolute fear filled his system. He watched in terror as his eye slowly shifted into a dull turquoise on screen.
Terrified, he looked back at Taehyung with a pleading expression. Panicked, the younger went over to Namjoon to whisper in his ear. “Yoongi Hyung lost his contact lens.” Namjoon’s eyes widened in shock, not quite sure what to do in this situation, but gave the others a reassuring look to continue the ment as if nothing was wrong. He gave Taehyung a quick nod, and Taehyung knew exactly what it meant. As he made his way back to Yoongi, he snatched the sunglasses on Jimin's head, and handed them to the rapper who immediately put them on.
Yoongi's mind was racing. The whole stadium just saw his exposed eye. While he was staring at Hoseok. The whole stadium saw his exposed, pink eye.
He couldn’t breathe. Heart aching, body trembling, tears started to fill his eyes. The member’s voices, ARMY’s screaming and cheering just turning into a loud, throbbing noise in his head. Taehyung knew his panic attack was building up, but couldn't do anything because he knew that his Hyung couldn’t keep his composure when someone tried to comfort him. Since he was the last person to hold his ment, he shortened it immensely so he could get Yoongi off that stage as soon as possible, but they still had to perform Mikrokosmos. Taehyung wasn't sure if Yoongi was able to perform in his current state, but the instrumentals of the song began filling the stadium, so Yoongi didn't have another choice.
Everyone started moving to interact with the crowd one last time, except for Yoongi. He was frozen in place. Taehyung sensed the crowd getting uneasy and worried, so he went up to him and grabbed his wrist, giving it an reassuring squeeze. Sliding his index finger into the palm of Yoongi's hand, he drew soft circles on his cold, clammy skin. The younger did his absolute best to guide Yoongi around the stage and interact with him in cute ways to cover up his panic attack.
Yoongi felt his tears falling, so he walked up to the edge, lifted both his arms, and Taehyung's with it, to sway them from side to side, smiling at ARMY. Stray tears appeared from under Jimin's sunglasses, but thanks to the rappers acting, ARMY seemed to believe it was because the concert came to an end.
But Taehyung knew. Knew that Yoongi was actually falling apart under that mask he put on. Knew that Yoongi would immediately collapse into a sobbing, hyperventilating shadow of himself as soon as they leave this stage. Knew that Yoongi didn't want to worry ARMY. Knew that Yoongi was at his end. During the whole performance, Taehyung didn't let go of his Hyung's wrist once. They reached their marked spots on the main stage, and after one last bow, the elevator finally started to descend. In the exact moment they were finally out of sight, Yoongi immediately collapsed onto Taehyung, the last thing he saw was all the members rushing to him, their voices a throbbing noise, before his vision finally went black.
The first time Yoongi’s eyes turned pink was a few years ago, around the time they released Dark & Wild, before he started wearing contact lenses at home.
They weren’t doing anything special, everyone was sprawled out in their living room watching movies as they had a free day for once. Yoongi, Hoseok, Namjoon and Jin sat on the couch, sharing two big fluffy blankets. Taehyung, Jungkook and Jimin sat on the floor, leaning against the couch between the others legs, their limbs strangely intertwined underneath their own blanket. Yoongi rested one of his legs over Taehyung’s shoulder.
Only the sound of the TV and the occasional bickering of the maknae line at their feet filled their dorm. Yoongi couldn’t really focus on the movie since Hoseok kept dozing off, his whole body twitching every time. He couldn’t decide if it was adorable or straight up annoying.
“Seok-ah, don’t force yourself to stay awake. Just go to bed.” Yoongi spoke as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t disturb the others. Hoseok shifted on his place between him and Namjoon. “But it's so comfortable and warm here.” Yoongi just scoffed and shook his head at that and focused on the movie again, when Hoseok suddenly moved to lie down. He ignored Jimin's complaints after he accidentally kicked him and rested his head in Yoongi’s lap, stretching his legs out over Namjoon's and Jin's laps.
Turning his head to look up at the older, he whispered:”Can I just sleep here instead, Hyung?” Not waiting for an answer, he turned his head back, grabbed Yoongi’s hand that was awkwardly hovering over his shoulder and pulled it close to his chest, falling asleep immediately.
Stunned, Yoongi just stared at the boy sleeping in his lap. The younger’s face was relaxed and content, smiling softly. Yoongi never really looked into Hoseok’s face that directly, usually feeling uncomfortable looking at peoples faces for too long. He wasn't sure why though, probably because he was scared of seeing peoples emotions in their eyes, or them seeing his. Or it was just pure shyness.
His eyes scanned the youngers sleeping face, admiring the small mole on his upper lip, his long lashes resting against his soft looking cheeks. He had a few red spots over his face, probably pimples that were about to break out, an oily patch between his eyebrows, and the tiniest bit of stubble on his jawline and chin. Even with all those little imperfections, Yoongi felt like Hoseok had to be the most beautiful and perfect person he ever laid eyes on.
A sudden pain in his chest and a fuzzy feeling in his stomach ripped him out of his thoughts. It was a foreign feeling, making the rapper question if he could be getting sick. He just sat there for a long moment, staring at Hoseok’s face. Letting out the breath he didn’t know he was holding, a barely audible, high pitched sound got out with it.
“Hyung? Are you okay?” Taehyung, who heard the sound, asked as he turned around to check on him. Yoongi’s heart sped up, confusion taking over his racing mind, still staring at the sleeping boy in his lap.
"What's with your eyes?" Jungkook squinted his eyes and moved a bit closer to inspect his Hyung's face. "Wait, are they pink?" Jimin asked, excitement clear in his voice. At that, Namjoon and Jin whipped their heads around to get a glimpse of his eyes before the color changed again. Alarmed, Yoongi lifted his head as well. “Wh-What? What are you talking about?” Glancing between the members to maybe get an answer from their expressions, he got more nervous by the second. “Woah, they totally are! That never happened in those 4 years I know you, Hyung!” Namjoon pointed at his eyes, grinning like crazy.
Jimin pulled out his phone and opened his front camera, handing it to Yoongi. “Look for yourself!” Hesitant, he reached for the phone, and slowly looked at it, only to be greeted by his own, bright pink eyes staring back at him. Wild chatter broke out, everyone throwing out theories, but Yoongi kept staring at his reflection.
What was going on? Why were his eyes pink? This never really happened to him. His eyes only turned pink once before, when he was younger and he touched the smooth keys of a piano for the very first time, he would never forget that feeling. Sure, he loved all his members with all his heart. But his eyes never reacted like this before. Fear creeping up in him, his grip around Jimin’s phone tightened, his knuckles turning white.
With Yoongi’s leg still over his shoulder, Taehyung felt the small, nervous tremors coming from the rapper. He stared at his face, trying to read his expression when he noticed how Yoongi’s eyes slowly started shifting colors, a dull turquoise taking over the pink. It didn’t take Taehyung long to fully grasp the situation unfolding in front of him, so he stopped the others’ rambling. “Geez, calm down. It’s no big deal. Jungkook’s eyes turn pink at least 6 times a day looking at us, and no one ever says anything about that either. Hyung just loves us like he always did, I bet his eyes just got a bit more sensitive over time. Just like mine did. Remember how my eyes never shifted colors for the first few months living in the dorm?”
The others said nothing at first, only staring at Taehyung in silence. “I mean, you do have a point, its rare, but it happens. We’re probably overreacting here.” Namjoon finally answered. The others nodded in agreement. After a few moments of awkward silence, they started sharing their most bizarre eye color stories.
For Yoongi however, it was just noise filling his ears and mind as he watched his eyes fully shift into a dull turquoise. He couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone stabbed him right in the abdomen and pressed a pillow on his face to end his misery. He felt the panic attack building up, but just sat there, frozen in place.
Hoseok, who was peacefully sleeping through the whole commotion, slowly started to stir awake by the loud chatter filling the dorm. Taehyung watched Yoongi carefully and placed his hand on his knee to give him a reassuring squeeze. The gentle touch brought the rapper back to earth, but wasn’t helping with his panic attack at all.
He locked Jimin’s phone and tossed it to the side. Placing his hand under Hoseok’s head, he tried lifting it to urge him to get up, which he did, but not without mumbling out his complaints. Yoongi got up from the couch, avoiding direct eye contact with everyone, and spoke, failing to hide the tremble in his voice. “I’m tired, imma go to bed early today.” He left in the direction of their bedroom, not waiting for a reaction. Taehyung watched his Hyung leave in a hurry, not listening to the other members bickering about what movie to watch next.
Since all of them were in their pyjamas already, Yoongi only climbed up into his bunk bed, curled up under the covers and lied there, staring at the ceiling above him.
He lied there for what felt like hours, silent tears he couldn’t explain running down his face. His painfully pounding heart deafening him to every sound coming from outside their bedroom. His body was still trembling uncontrollably.
He didn’t understand what was happening, or why it was happening. Yes, in this world, eye colors never lied. But he didn’t get what his was trying to tell him. Yoongi was always bad at expressing his love for his members directly, so he always wished his eyes would just do that job for him, like Jungkook’s or Jimin’s did. But after years of living together with these 6 boys he loved and cherished so deeply, his eyes never turned pink to express it for him. He was one of those people whose eye color only shifted to pink when it came to romantic love. In fact, it was common like that. Jungkook and Jimin were part of the exception.
It frustrated him a lot. Always afraid the members wouldn’t truly understand how much he loves them. Of course the members did understand it, even without words or pink eyes. His subtle and gentle touches, handholding, hugs, advices and him just being there for every single one of them whenever they needed him being more than enough for them to understand. But it still scared him. His anxiety didn’t let him feel otherwise. Constant fear of them leaving him behind.
Yoongi wasn’t stupid. With all of this in mind, he knew that his sudden pink shift must mean that he did feel more for Hoseok than he thought he did. Deep down he always kind of knew that something was different about him. Ever since they first met. But tonight, realization just punched him right in the gut.
Yes, he wasn’t stupid. He knew exactly what was going on. But he didn’t want it to be true. Was in denial. Couldn’t allow himself to accept that he is in love with his bandmate. His best friend. What if the others figured it out? What if Hoseok figured it out? Would they be disgusted? Would they hate him? Would it break them apart? Would they leave him behind? His panic attack didn’t seem to calm down anytime soon, so his exhausted body gave up, knocking him out cold.
After some time, Taehyung quietly entered the room, calling out to him, but didn’t get an answer, so he climbed up the ladder to the older’s bed. The rapper lied there, dried tears on his cheeks, body trembling as he slept. Seeing his usually composed Hyung curled up in his bed like this broke Taehyung’s heart, his eyes shifting blue. He placed his hand on Yoongi’s sweaty forehead and brushed the stray strands of hair out of his face. The gentle touch relaxed his body a bit, calming down his tremors slightly. “I know this is hard on you. But I will be there for you. No matter if you decide to tell me about it or not. No one will think any less about you. We love you so much.” He whispered, barely even audible in the completely quiet room. He carefully placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head before he climbed down again and left him to rest his drained body.
When Yoongi woke up the next morning, every muscle in his body ached, as it always did after a panic attack. Sitting up straight, he glanced around the room.
The maknae line and Hoseok were still sleeping peacefully, Taehyung sprawled out on top of Jungkook, hugging him like a koala, his own bed empty. Seokjin’s and Namjoon’s beds were empty as well. As quietly as possible, Yoongi climbed off the bunk bed. He was sharing his with Hoseok, so he was met with his sleeping face when he came down. Yoongi froze on the spot, admiring his face for just a moment, when he noticed that this time, Hoseok didn't look so peaceful.
His brows were furrowed, discomfort and worry clear in his expression. Hesitating, Yoongi pulled out his phone from his pocket, opened his front camera, and got greeted by bright pink eyes yet again. Before he could panic again, he saw that he had 11 unread messages, all from one person. Hoseok.
Seok-Seok
[23:21] Seok-Seok: hyung?
[23:21] Seok-Seok: y did u leave so suddenly
[23:21] Seok-Seok: r u okay?
[23:22] Seok-Seok: i’m worried :(
[23:24] Seok-Seok: I know u. I know what u look and sound like when u are tired
[23:24] Seok-Seok: and that wasn’t it
[23:25] Seok-Seok: whatever it is u know you can talk to me and the others right?
[23:56] Seok-Seok: tae just told me u were fast asleep...
[23:57] Seok-Seok: I’m rlly worried
[23:58] Seok-Seok: please be okay
[00:11] Seok-Seok: love u yoongs
The last message caused a stabbing pain in Yoongi’s heart. A bittersweet feeling spreading in it as if it was poison. Feeling guilty for making his best friend worry so much, he silently slipped out of the room and headed to the bathroom. He had to cross the living room and pass the kitchen in order to get to it, but Jin and Namjoon stood in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for everyone. As quickly and quietly as possible, Yoongi hurried past the kitchen door. Of course Jin noticed him anyways, but Yoongi already disappeared in the bathroom before he could react.
Turning the lock, he let out a deep sigh as he finally looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were puffy and red, dried tears marking his reddened cheeks, his lips swollen and chapped from his nervous chewing. His eyes were a soft blue, portraying his sadness perfectly. Splashing his face with cold water, he tried cleaning it so the redness would recede at least a bit. It took care of the dried tears, but his eyes were still as red as before. Giving up, he started rummaging around in his personal drawer, looking for his brown contact lenses.
The company required them to always wear brown contact lenses wherever they went, for their own safety and privacy. Popping the cap open, he put in the lenses one by one to cover his still blue eyes. Yoongi just couldn’t risk them turning pink again as soon as Hoseok entered the room. The lenses looked extremely natural, so hopefully none of the members would notice them. Clumsily smearing a bit of concealer over his eyebags, ruffling his hair to make it sit better, he unlocked the door again to meet the others for breakfast.
With aching muscles the rapper dragged himself into the living room and plopped down onto the couch. “Mornin’!” Seokjin half yelled from the kitchen, Yoongi only hummed in response. Namjoon came out of the kitchen and shoved a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. “Are you feeling better Hyung?”
Eagerly, he took a sip of his way too hot coffee and burned his lips and tongue in the process. “Ah, shit- uhm, yeah, I really needed that sleep, you know...”, he said, squinting his eyes and making grabby hands at Jin, who, without sparing him a glance, opened the fridge and threw a cold bottle of water in his direction. Yoongi clumsily caught it and opened it to cool down his burned mouth.
Sometimes Namjoon was still surprised at the unspoken connection the members had between each other. Just yesterday Namjoon struggled reading his book thanks to his bad vision, but he only squinted once before Jungkook already tossed him his glasses. “YAH! Namjoon-ah! Stop dreaming, the food is burning!” Jin’s yelling ripped him out of his thoughts and he hurried back into the kitchen, tripping over an abandoned gaming controller on the way. Yoongi watched the pair prepare breakfast while drinking his coffee, joining in on their conversation every once in a while.
After 10 minutes of Jin' and Namjoon’s bickering, Jimin stumbled out of their shared bedroom as well, still half asleep, immediately letting himself fall onto the couch, squishing Yoongi in the process. “Why do you have to be so loud this early in the mornin’...” he stretched himself over Yoongi’s lap when Jin scolded him that it’s 10am already, closing his eyes again to sleep some more. The bedroom door swung open again, this time revealing a grumpy looking maknae. “Why the fuck does it smell like burned fish in here? Is Namjoon burning down the kitchen again?” The maknae perfectly dodged the wooden spoon coming straight for his head, which hit Taehyung instead. The poor boy woke up when Jungkook slipped out underneath him, and appeared behind him with the absolute worst timing.
“OW! YAH! What did I do?” He rubbed his head where the spoon hit him, pouting at no one in particular. Jungkook whipped around to hug him and give him a few kisses on the head. “Ah, Hyung are you okay? I’m sorry.” His giggles didn’t help to make his apology sound sincere. Trying to escape the maknae’s strong grip, Tae started whining. Jimin, who was still trying to get a bit of sleep, threw the couch pillows at the bickering pair, complaining about the noise. Yoongi watched the morning chaos unfold, smiling to himself, his whole body getting warm and fuzzy. He just loved all of them so much, their mornings together were one of his favorite moments, he couldn’t imagine starting his mornings any other way.
Jungkook and Taehyung were rolling around on the floor at this point, Taehyung tickling the younger without mercy. The commotion seemed to finally have woken up Hoseok as well, the dancer appearing in the door frame, staring at the two boys on the floor in confusion. He quickly dismissed the situation though, nothing he hasn’t seen before, and scanned the room with tired eyes. “Mornin’.” He locked eyes with the exhausted looking Yoongi and smiled.
Yoongi felt his heart skip a beat, his face started feeling hot, his heartbeat quickening painfully. Great. Just great. Is his body gonna react like this everytime he sees him from now on? This is bullshit, he never asked for this. Carefully, Hoseok climbed over the exhausted bodies on the floor to make his way to the couch. Hitting Jimin’s butt a few times to force the younger to make some room, he plopped down next to Yoongi. Seemingly giving up on getting a few more minutes of rest, Jimin rolled off Yoongi's lap and landed on the floor like a sack of rice before getting up to help his Hyungs in the kitchen.
Yoongi stretched his hand out to offer Hoseok some of his coffee, which he happily accepted. “Mornin’ Hyung. Do you feel better?” Hoseok's voice was calm and quiet to keep the conversation between them, but his worry was still visible in his face. Yoongi nodded slowly, taking his cup back after Hoseok took a sip. “Yeah...”
The rapper could see that Hoseok wasn’t convinced by that answer at all. His grip around his cup in his lap tightened, he couldn’t bare to see Hoseok's worried face staring holes into his soul in search of an an satisfying answer. “I saw your texts this morning. I.. I’m sorry for making you worry. I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt an anxiety attack coming up, so I just decided to sleep to avoid it... but it’s fine, really. I feel a lot better, I promise."
Lifting his head to look at Hoseok again, he put on his best smile. Lying to his best friend hurt like hell, but he just couldn’t tell him what really triggered the anxiety attack. Not yet at least. “I already guessed it had to be something like that. Are you sure you don’t know why it happened? You can talk to me, you know that.” Yoongi smiled at that. “I know. And I’m extremely grateful that you’re always there to help me through my attacks. But I really don’t know this time, so I just decided to prevent it. It’s okay. Really.” Still not completely satisfied, the younger let out a huff. “Okay. I trust you.” “Thank you, Seok-Seok.”
Taehyung, who surprisingly won his little fight, sat cross legged next to a sprawled out Jungkook, quietly watching and listening to the conversation. “Okay guys, someone help Jimin to set the table, Manager Sejin will pick us up in two hours, we gotta hurry.” Jin’s demands got met with groaning from the living room, before Hoseok finally gave in and headed to the kitchen.
A million thoughts raced through Yoongi's head. What is he supposed to do now. He definitely cannot act on this. The friendship between them and the relationship of the team was too important to fuck it up just because of some unimportant feelings. What good would that be anyways. He didn’t really care about the extras a romantic relationship brings, so he should be satisfied with keeping the friendship as it is. Yoongi was convinced that his body and mind will get used to the feeling. And hopefully his eyes would get that message too. It’s just a stupid, unnecessary crush. This will die down. It just has too.
Of course it wasn’t just a stupid crush. It's been 4 years now. Sure, Yoongi's body and mind got used to his feelings rather quickly. He didn’t feel like an hormonal little boy anymore everytime Hoseok entered the room. He’s perfectly able to live with his feelings, not having the urge to act on them. To his dismay, his eyes thought differently. They still turned pink every time he saw Hoseok, or even just thought about him too much. So in those past 4 years, he didn’t stop wearing his contacts.
The others questioned his behavior for a few months, but just dismissed it after some time, which Yoongi greatly appreciated. Taehyung on the other hand never stopped keeping an eye on Yoongi and his behavior around Hoseok. But he always kept his mouth shut because he respected his Hyung too much to stick his head into his personal issues without invitation. So he just kept looking out for him from afar, always ready to be there for him whenever he needed him.