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I'm not supposed to be weak, ain't in my job description. Taking care of my brother and making sure civilians are safe? That's my whole resume, right there. I'm the one who's gotta keep on keepin' on; s'posed to kill the things in the shadows, not be scared of the dark, dammit. Really can't afford to be losin' what little I got left of my mind.
In the middle of the night, parched and hollow as deadwood, skin stretched too far over whiskey-brittle bones, and vibrating, humming, like ominous magic fingers on a bed of barren fucking death…
He always knows though. Every time. Even when I hide it from myself—I've spent a lifetime burying shit. But the damn angel, Cas? Yeah, he always knows. Just like I know he always watches me sleep. Unless he's not around to; the desolate times. Times he's far away. Those times he shows up in my dreams.
When the world's busy slippin' away though shaking, dog-tired fingers and the sneering and screaming gets too loud? That's when he's impossibly there, always holding me up with defiant strength; a cool hand to the back of my neck, grace-warmed breath at my temple; always with words that aren't quite words, not quite leaving dried lavender lips. It's alright to be frightened, Dean he speaks soundlessly. It's human and it's good. And you? You're good. And you know I've got you, yes? You need to know I've always got you, Dean, and that I'll always have you, that I'm never—not ever—letting go, he says...
Those times I'm not okay, like, really not even close? Least I know bone-deep down things aren't quite as dire as they could be. ʼCause knowing he's out there, somewhere, Castiel, who pulled me from hell... knowing he's out there, always watching over me...
That's—it's almost enough.
Used to call him a creeper 'cause I'm a fucking asshole. How could I tell him I was terrified? Terrified that one day he might stop watching me. Didn't want that—I don't want that. Not ever. Not ever. I need him. Need his presence, always, corporeal or not. Cas is solid like a mountain, even when he's just a whisper. Even when he ain't really there, he's still always, always there. Because he knows I'll always need him.
Always.
But does he know...
Does Cas know how much I want him? How much I'll always want him?
Always
Always
Always