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David sat up in a cold sweat, the effects of a nightmare washing over him. He turned on his bedside lamp and grabbed his glasses, sliding them on his face. His hands shook from adrenaline and fear, trying his best to keep from crying. Looking at his phone he realised it was after 3 in the morning and leaned against his headboard.
Tyler was probably awake, right? He could call his boyfriend any time, Tyler told him that he could. Yet he still hesitated to unlock his phone and press the call button next to Tyler’s name. Instead, he opened Discord to see if any of his friends were still up. They were, and so was Tyler. He could easily join the call, just sit in and listen and bask in all of their voices. Yet something held him back. Was it fear? Rejection? Longing? He didn’t know and wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out.
The decision was made for David when his phone pinged and he looked down seeing that Tyler had messaged him. Taking a breath he opened it.
Wildcat: What’re you doing up, Nogla? You said you were gonna try to go to bed early
He smiled at that, remembering three hours earlier when he had told Tyler goodnight after the American had bugged him about getting more sleep.
Daithi de Nogla: I did go to bed early.
Wildcat: Okay, tell me why you’re up now. And don’t give me any bullshit
Daithi de Nogla: Had a nightmare, was gonna call you but didn’t want to bother you
Wildcat: Fuck off, I told you that you could call me any time
Wildcat: Y’know what? I’m gonna call you, you better pick up
Oh god, oh no. Tyler was going to call David? He was probably in the middle of recording. David got out of bed and went to his computer, knowing using Discord on his PC was easier. The minute he sat down, Tyler called.
“Hello?”
“Don’t hello me, Nogla. I told you that you could call me at any time, I know our schedules don't usually line up. And I hope you know that I’d drop whatever to answer your call.”
A sniffle could be heard from David’s end, the Irishman taking off his glasses to rub at his eyes.
“Yeah… But I figured ye were recordin’.” Tyler’s heart broke at the sound of his boyfriend’s tired voice.
“Yes, I was recording. I’m not now. I told the guys I had something come up, they understood. So now I’m here, talking to my boyfriend.” Tyler couldn’t help but want to fly to Ireland in that moment to hold his boyfriend. “Now tell me what’s wrong, I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong, baby.”
Tears fell faster, David’s stuttering breaths barely audible as Tyler waited for him to catch his composure. As he waited, Tyler booked a flight to Ireland within a few hours. It’d been too long since he’d seen David. The phone calls and video chats only strengthening the urge to be with his boyfriend during the holidays.
David finally calmed down some and began to tell Tyler about his nightmare, unable to keep from letting a few tears fall.
“It’s a stupid reason t’get upset, but I was scared…” David picked at the frayed thread on his sleeve, trying to distract himself from the pain.
“It’s not stupid. Nightmares aren’t a stupid reason to get upset. They’re a valid reason to get upset. I had a nightmare the other night and cried because of it and couldn’t go back to sleep. I’m not gonna judge you for being upset.”
A hum came from David as a response.
“Listen, we’re both tired and I have a feeling neither of us are gonna be getting much sleep. So go make a cup of tea while we talk.”
“Okay, alright. Yeah.” David got up, switching the call to his phone, and went to the kitchen. His bare feet lightly padding on the wood floors as he walked. He stopped by his thermostat to turn it up a bit, listening to Tyler ramble about the recording session he’d been in, humming and nodding along to things said. He flicked on the lights, immediately wishing he hadn’t as he squinted around his kitchen waiting to adjust to the bright lights. Insomnia was a bitch, and it had David in a choke hold.
Tyler continued to talk as he heard water running, smiling to himself as he imagined David slowly getting his kettle prepared. He trailed off with his words, listening to David hum to himself as he rummaged through his cabinets for a mug and tea.
It was nights like this that made the long distance worth it, just sitting in silence and listening to one another and basking in the other’s presence. It was frustrating at times, occasionally arguing and coming back the next day feeling like shit.
David sat on his counter, leaning his head back against the cabinets. “Do ye ever wonder where we’d be if neither of us had confessed and we’d kept our feelings hidden?”
Tyler’s fingers stilled from their drumming. “No, why? Do you ever wonder?”
A soft laugh left David, “Sometimes? Like would we be the same people we are right now? Would ye be with a blonde haired girl? Would I be with a brown skinned girl? Would we record together? I think about these things sometimes…” He stared up at his ceiling. “I only think about them when I feel like I’m too small.”
“Do you feel too small right now?” His concern for his boyfriend was raising bit by bit, Tyler unsure of where David was going with this.
“I did, before ye called. Ye make me less small. Ye ground me. Ye get me out of my head.” David smiled sadly, breathing deeply.
He and Tyler sat in silence until the kettle whistled, the counter creaking as David hopped off. They still didn’t say a word to one another as David poured his cup of tea, the sound of the water pouring calming to both men.
A spoon plopped into the cup, clinking following soon after as the tea was stirred and mixed with honey and a bit of milk.
A sigh broke the silence.
“You’re scared. You don’t know if we’re right for each other. You’re scared of the day we drift apart.” Tyler wasn’t asking, he was stating things he already knew. Things he took note of without David telling him. “I’m scared too. And that right there, lets me know that we’re right for each other. If we weren’t, then neither of us would worry or be scared. I’m not going to tell you to not be scared, either.”
He paused, looking up at the picture of him and David he had tacked onto his wall.
“I’m scared as hell. I wake up every morning scared, but I jump in with both feet because you’re worth it. Every argument, late night call, video chat, and mile is worth it to just hear your voice and see your smile. And it’ll be even more worth it the next time I see you in person. You’re it for me, David. I’d give the world to wake up to your face every morning and see you frown from the sun shining in your eyes. I’d give everything to kiss your furrowed brow and tell you good morning for the rest of my days.”
A choked sob sounded from David’s end, his hands covering his mouth.
“You are worth it, despite being scared. You are worth all the negative thoughts and bad days, and you’re worth all the positive thoughts and good days.”
Tyler was crying now, hot tears streaming down his face as he listened to David sob.
“I love you. I have a ticket booked to Ireland in a few hours. I’ll see you so soon, and I’m going to hold you for as long as I can.”
That got a laugh in response, David trying to wipe away his tears. “God, yer so brash and dumb… And so fohking loving. What did I do t’deserve ye?”
“You were yourself. And I could ask you the same thing, what did I do to deserve you?” Tyler scrubbed at his face with his sleeves, a smile gracing his face.
“I don’t know, but I don’t deserve ya. Yer so fohkin’ strong wit’ yer emotions. It’s a reason why I fell in love wit’ ya.” He sipped on his tea, the liquid warming him.
Tyler looked at the picture of him and David once more, smiling at it. His fingers brushing against David’s face, “I’ll see you in a bit, yeah? Try to get some sleep, don’t bother picking me up from the airport. I just want you to sleep, you deserve some rest.” He paused for a second as he untacked the picture from his wall and held it in his hand. “And David?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”