Work Text:
After Colony 198. L1 Colony Cluster. September.
Three months passed since the last time she had seen him.
Upon entering her hotel room, Relena Darlian locked the electric door behind her and kicked off her heels right in the middle of the hall. She was exhausted; she just came for her fifth Mars Terraforming Project’s conference this week, on the forth colony, after another interstellar flight.
Her room appeared just as typical as hotel rooms usually were; comfortable, but empty and cold. Her luggage was already brought in by the staff, placed next to a twin bed. After so many hours awake, she needed to rest. She unbuttoned her jacket and dropped it on the floor. Because she didn’t bother to turn on the light, the room was enlightened only by the outside lights. The duvet’s material was slippery and cold in touch; the mattress quietly cracked when she sat down on it, facing the window.
The night fell on the L1 colony long ago, and the artificial mist was floating in the air, scattering the lights of the nearby buildings. It was another starless and moonless night, but this time in a somewhat unique place.
Relena sighed with resignation. She found herself in the middle of his homeland, yet she had no idea where he was nor what he was doing. She couldn’t wave off the stubborn thought that he could be here, maybe even a few blocks away from her hotel, but for some reason didn’t show up to meet her.
The moment Heero Yuy kissed her for the first time two years ago, Relena realized that they might never be able to be in a schematic relationship: live together, go to work together, watch lazily shitty movies in the evening, get themselves a dog... From the day they met, her life ceased to be schematic once and forever. Their love, or any other thing they had, was everything but schematic. She was a public figure, Foreign Minister, former Queen of the World, advocate for peace. He was the former Gundam pilot, once called the Perfect Soldier, now the Preventers’ officer, guarding the fragile peace from the dark. They belonged to different worlds, yet some invisible power inevitably and inseparably bounded them together - like gravity.
It was a complicated bond. Each time he left, she never knew how long she won’t be able to see him this time. His missions were all classified, even to her. Sometimes he was away for a week, sometimes for a month.
Now it was three months - over 92 days without any notice from him.
Relena was always busy during Heero’s absence. The settling peace was still fragile as a porcelain figure, but humanity was slowly learning the ways of pure and total pacifism. Relena was fighting her way alone like she always did. She was finding the strength to wake up and fight through every single day thanks to Heero’s encouraging words that he didn’t spare while they were together. But at nights, she was curling herself alone in her bed and promptly falling into a restless sleep - always thinking about him.
Relena rested on her right side, still facing the window, letting out a silent sigh. She never got used to these lonely nights on the other side of the galactic. Maybe she even hated them. She tucked up her bare legs a little and crossed her arms. She felt cold but didn’t roll up the duvet. She rested, her body and features illuminated by the outside lights, trying to imagine the view of the starry sky, that’s nowhere so beautiful like on Earth.
Then again, she felt that fear: that Heero may never come back to her. That he may vanish in the depth of the outer space, just like many times before. Something may happen to him... and she might be the last one to find out about it. If ever. Because what exactly she meant to former Gundam pilot, Heero Yuy?
Over seven months ago, at the end of February, he made love to her for the first time. It wasn’t unexpected. They had been craving for this closeness for too long, and further resistance would only drive them further apart.
He had to leave on Monday; he wouldn’t tell her where. She realized it would be very far away. And dangerous. Relena asked him to stay with her, and to her surprise, he agreed. On the late Friday afternoon, when the sun began to set, he took her to his apartment. She couldn’t let go of his hand gripping hers, and he didn’t say a word of an invitation of any kind; he just came home as usual, but this time with her at his side.
Soon she found enough self-control to stop their kiss and whisper against his mouth just how much she needed him. He frowned at her, his blue eyes partly curtained by brown bangs, and slightly nodded his head. Maybe to mark his acknowledgment, or perhaps to make sure. She let him guide them through this. She let him trap her between his strong arms, kiss her, and touch her the way nobody did before. His hands were deprived of any hesitancy or doubt like he’d known her body for ages. His every touch made her heart shiver, and he showed her a tenderness she simply wouldn’t expect from a deadly warrior he was. She gave in to him wholly, her heart and innocence, wrapping her arms around him tightly, as if he were about to drop her.
Afterward, when he was resting nestled between her legs, with his head pillowed just above her belly, sketching random figures with his fingers on the skin of her side, Relena understood, for the first time in her life, that they were finally in the right place. That everything was right. And it will be right, from now on. Somehow.
Since then, every time he was with her, for a day or two, he’d spent all the time he had with her. They had made love again, with more care and attention. They had been exploring their bodies and familiarize themselves with them. Sometimes Heero seemed as if he was memorizing her shape to keep it in heart for another period of their separation. In those moments, Relena felt that she was ceasing to exist as an independent individual, and her life was bounded inseparably to a man with Prussian-blue eyes. She, the most influential woman in the universe, in these fleeting moments, was nothing more than a fragile being, shivering of pleasure and longing, able solely to love. As if she consisted exclusively of love to that man.
Nevertheless, Heero never told her what she meant to him, always leaving her side before she woke up.
Suddenly a beep at the door ringed out in the silence of the night. Relena froze as she realized that somebody had just entered her room. She held her breath. It had to be somebody of her guard; at times, they would check on her without any notice, for security reasons. Nevertheless, the way they did it always bothered her. She strengthened her senses but remained silent and didn’t move an inch, pretending to be asleep.
In the refection of the wide hotel window, she saw a ray of light and the male silhouette that appeared in the doorway. Although the light from the hotel’s corridor plunged the newcomer’s face in the darkness, Relena recognized him in an instant. He wasn’t anybody of her guard. She would always recognize his studied and cautious moves as if he was walking through the minefield.
Relena didn’t move or speak, holding her breath, but her heart was thudding so loudly in her chest that she was sure he could hear it.
The man walked silently into the room and shut the door behind him. Darkness fell anew, and for a moment, Relena lost sight of his reflection in the window. She heard him crossing the narrow hall to the little table next to the bed, knowing that the fact she heard him was only because he wanted to be heard. Then her eyes got used to darkness again. She could see in the window as he got something metal and shiny from behind his back and placed it on the table. The object made a dull metal sound; it had to be his gun. He wore a leather jacket, one of the Preventers’. Relena laid still, feeling her cheeks burn with anticipation. She could feel that he was eying her, and he probably noticed by now that she wasn’t sleeping. He stood a few feet away from her bed, his head with disheveled dark hair bent in her direction as if he was cherishing the view in front of him.
Heero approached her bed and wordlessly climbed into it, then leaned closer to Relena’s back. He wrapped his left hand around her hips and gently but firmly dragged her body closer to him. He did it without any effort, as always taking advantage of his strength. Relena didn’t resist; she held her head up, almost automatically, allowing him to settle his right arm for her under her temple like a pillow - just like they usually slept together.
She made a deep sigh of relief; he was finally here.
“Heero...”
He shushed her and tightened the embrace. “Sleep now. You need to rest.”
She could feel the warmth of his breath on the bare skin of her neck and left shoulder. His hand still wrapped around her hip felt like a burning iron. Even so, she immediately got goosebumps.
“It’s been three months, Heero,” she murmured, leaning her back against his chest. “There’s no way I could go to sleep now. Not when you’re finally here...”
She felt that he furrowed his nose in her hair, breathing in her scent, but didn’t say anything. Relena reached for his hand that was now resting on her belly.
“I missed you so much,” she whispered in the air.
“…I felt the same,” Heero replied quietly. That was progress. A year ago, he wouldn’t have spoken that way to her. Even now, she didn’t expect him to say ‘sorry’ for being out of touch for this long or to assure her that soon he’ll stay by her side no matter what. “Now, you should get some sleep.”
Entirely ignoring what he just said, Relena rolled onto her other side, so she was facing him. The outside light illuminated his steely blue eyes, making them look almost bottomless. There he was, her Heero. With his thoughtful, penetrating look in his eyes and handsome face. She lazily raked her hand through his unruly brown hair. He seemed tired, too, as if he just got back from a long journey. He also seemed to have lost a bit of weight.
“When did you return from the mission?” she smiled at him, placing her hand on his shoulder, on his “P” symbol.
“I’m still on it,” he reported.
Relena chuckled. “So, you’re risking comprehending the mission, aren’t you, officer?”
“I needed to see you.” His gaze softened only for a moment to turn fierce again. “I can’t stay long.”
Relena nodded sadly, silencing the revolt in her heart. As usual, they didn’t have enough time for themselves.
“I see,” she whispered, then traced her fingers on the sharp outline of his jawline. She noticed how warm his skin was against her cold knuckles; Heero spotted the difference too.
“Get under the cover,” he propped himself on his elbow and gestured to her to get up and slid under the sheets, but Relena laid still giving him one of her playful smirks. “It’s chilly here, you’re gonna catch a cold,” Heero reasoned, as he reached behind her body to grab a sheet, but she blocked his hand. “Relena.”
Relena chuckled at his warning tone and slid her cold hands under the flap of his jacket, placing them on his sides and ribs. If Heero weren’t the Perfect Soldier, she’d expect him to at least wriggle at the touch of her icy-cold hands on his body, but he didn’t even flinch. She tipped her head up to look him in the eyes with an innocent grin. “I want you to warm me up.”
She heard him sigh with just a little bit of an annoyance in the back of his throat at her attitude. That sound always sounded so sexy to her. Then Heero took off his Preventers’ jacket and wrapped it tightly around her shoulders. “There.”
Feeling suddenly warm, Relena inhaled his scent enclosed in the leather, and immediately a cunning plan of theft of this jacket came to her pacifistic mind. To have something with her that reminds her of Heero… It was just then when she noticed that under his white t-shirt, the left side of his body, all the way from his wrist to his collarbone, was bandaged.
“What’s that?” she asked, reaching and touching his forearm gently with her fingertips. It felt hot in touch. The moment she realized this, her eyes widened. “Heero...” she let out a horrified sigh. He promptly grabbed her wrist with his injured hand.
“A work accident,” he said emotionlessly, pulling her hand away from him.
“Doesn’t look like one,” Relena noticed, her heart beating faster. She had no doubt. Someone tried to take him away from her forever. “What happened? Who did this to you?”
“Leave it,” he repeated calmly, keeping his eyes fixed on her and tightening his grip on her hand just a little more to emphasize his words. “It’s nothing. The guy who did this is not a threat to you anymore.”
Relena searched the Perfect Soldier’s steely eyes, half-shrouded by his dark brown hair. She quickly forgot that dark side of his: what he’d been trained for, how much he dedicated himself for each mission. That he’s a dangerous man and had killed many. Deliberately or not, he’d been trying to hide that part of him from her every time they were together, never telling her any details about his missions as a Preventer.
“I want to know what’s happening with you,” she whispered, freeing her hand from his grip and caressing the skin on his collarbone. “I have the right to know.”
Heero frowned at her and let his wounded hand rest on her side. “You’re carrying a great burden on your shoulders. Making you worry about me wouldn’t do any good. If I had informed you in real-time that something like that happened, you would most likely have felt the obligation to reach me or even seen me in person. You mustn’t do that. Concentrate on your task instead.”
Relena smiled sadly. “This is basically what people who are close to each other do. I care about you. If something happened to you...” she paused, as if her words had the power to realize her worst premonitions.
Heero brushed loose strands of hair from her neck behind her back, playfully slipping them between his fingers back and forth. “Let me do my job,” he stated solemnly, but Relena just sent him a sad sigh in return. He wrapped his other arm around the back of her shoulders and held her closer to his body. “I won’t let you down,” he added almost inaudibly, his mouth grazing her temple, then cradled the back of her neck to draw her face into a kiss.
Relena wrapped her arms around his back and raked her hand through his thick hair, letting him deepen the kiss. She closed her eyes and breathed his manly scent that she missed so much while he was gone. She felt his hand through the material of her dress as he slipped it smoothly around her ribs, down the curves of her sides to her lower back. They kissed passionately, deeply, slowly, enjoying the closeness they both lacked for so long. Heero pressed his thigh between Relena’s legs, and she hooked her right leg over his hips, letting him press her tighter against the solid frame of his body. She could stay like that forever, trapped inside his embrace, his kisses inflaming her, burning her alive.
“Heero...” Relena whispered when they broke the kiss and pressed her cheek to his chest. “I feel safe only in moments like these. Like now. When you hold me close. When you’re closer to me than anyone on Earth and in space has ever been.”
She could hear the steady beating of his heart as he remained silent. Relena always wondered how he could keep his heart so calm in every moment.
“I feel so lonely, I wish you were by my side more often,” Relena muttered, pulling back and tipping her head up to look into these icy blue eyes. “And I would appreciate it if you’d stop telling me to stop worry. I can’t stop doing that. Especially when you’re away for so long. So...”
“Your hands are still cold,” he interrupted her, then lifted both her hands in his and pressed them against his mouth. Relena followed his movements with her sight, shuddering at the touch of his breath on her skin. Heero closed his eyes, tenderly kissing her slim fingers, enclosing them between his manly hands. Whenever he held her hands like that, there was something in the way he did it that she couldn’t help the feeling he was still treating her like the queen she once was. Paradoxically, at times like these, Relena felt so helpless and little, tired of pretending every day to be strong.
“Relena,” Heero whispered after a moment, his radiant eyes searching her face again, “my life has only one purpose now: you. But I know my place. The world still needs you to achieve peace. That’s the purpose of your life.” He entwined their fingers, falling silent for a moment as if he was concentrating on choosing the right words. “You can’t belong only to me. Not yet.”
At first, Relena felt unsure by this statement, almost insulted. She was used to the thought that their love will never be schematic. However, after these words, she felt betrayed. And scared. Was she nothing but a politician to this man? Nothing but another mission to accomplish for the sake of the world? Nothing but a pawn on the chessboard of history? Was she to become this man’s sacrifice committed in the name of world peace?
“Heero, in case you didn’t notice, I’m a woman,” Relena stated with a confident voice, trying hard to hide the tension that rose within her chest. In vain. Soon she felt her eyes burn, her breaths got shallow. “I’m not an object, nor an idea… I’m a living human who cares, wants, loves. And yet, sometimes, I feel like I’m the loneliest person in space. I’m sick and tired of hearing about how brave and strong I am because I know it’s not true! I can be loved by millions, but if that one person doesn’t love me back, my whole life loses sense…!”
Her words hung in the air as Heero placed a finger over her mouth.
“Relena... If, in any way, I made you doubt about what I feel for you…”
His voice, unexpectedly full of remorse, lingered in the silence of the night, as he frowned intently at her, his Prussian-blue orbs betraying the tumult of emotions that grew in his soul. He visibly suffered a struggle to express them. Relena’s heart beat faster as he removed his finger and tilted his head down to her.
“The peaceful world you’re fighting for is the world I’m fighting for too. You, Relena, are doing this not for your sake but for the sake of humanity. However, for me… that peaceful world may as well go to hell if, in the end, you won’t be a part of it.”
Relena searched his face, feeling her eyes burn and vision blur because of tears as she realized the size of her misunderstanding of him. “Heero…”
“I want you to know. I’ve been a soldier all my life, Relena. I didn’t make my promise to protect you because I simply turned pacifist,” Heero continued. “I promised to protect you because I wish to share my future with you. This is my only desire. And this future will come after you accomplish this beautiful dream about world peace that you carry on. Until then, I’ll do anything to make this dream come true, and I’ll fight every obstacle that stands your way. I’ll do everything,” he hung his voice and cupped her face, “for our future.”
It was in vain to look for the word “love” in these few sentences. And yet, Relena felt that it was all love that spoke through these words, articulated by the man of her life. His fearless, soldier’s eyes were the proof he meant every word.
Heero’s love: unobtrusive, patient, supportive, forward-looking love. Mature and undoubted, not focused on empty words and symbolic gestures. Relena suddenly understood why, although he was so rarely physically present at her side, she somehow always felt his presence, as if he was standing right next to her, looking in the same direction as she was. She understood the true reason he joined the Preventers after the war. But above all, Relena knew that what he just said was a vow. Not in church or office, and without any witnesses or guests, without a white gown. Not to a God or clerk, but to her. It changed everything. Or perhaps it only gave everything a start.
“I’ve wished for this future from the moment we met,” Relena whispered after a moment, wrapping her arms around his neck. His gaze softened, and as he bent down to kiss her tenderly, Relena could have sworn that a gentle smile appeared on his lips. As he kissed her, she hoped he didn’t notice a single tear of happiness, that dripped down her cheek. He would ask why he was crying. But there were no words that could help her express how much she loved him.
This promise brought them closer to this longed-for future. As if it sped up the clock hands. But, bringing them closer with every second to this future, it concurrently drew near the moment of their next separation.
“You have a conference tomorrow--” Heero whispered between the kisses, wrapping his jacket tightly around Relena’s shoulders and pulling back. As if he was about to leave.
“Heero… Please, stay with me,” Relena breathed as they broke the kiss, tugging at his shirt. She looked up at him one last time, then pressed her cheek to his chest. “I don’t want you to leave.”
He seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then Heero laid back down and wrapped his strong arms around her again, caressing the back of her neck. Relena sighed deeply and closed her eyes, nestling herself comfortably in his embrace.
“Sleep, Relena,” she heard his calm voice rumbling in his chest as he spoke out one more promise, “I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
T h e E n d