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Virgil was avoiding Roman.
Roman couldn't help but think he might be a bit paranoid, but the thing was, despite having breakfast and lunch and dinner with Virgil everyday just as he'd always done for the past two years, he was somehow spending less time with Virgil. And talking to him less. When he wanted to speak to Virgil, Virgil would be in the middle of some hugely interesting debate with someone else. When Roman slung an arm around Virgil's shoulder, Virgil would somehow pull off some kind of manoeuvre and - hey, presto - the next thing he knew, Virgil was about two feet away from him. He wasn't quite sure how Virgil was doing it, just that he was.
And Roman? Roman was feeling hurt, yeah, but also kind of pissed off because he knew exactly why Virgil was doing it, and while he understood the reasoning behind it, he also knew that Virgil was being a complete chicken shit jackass.
Then he felt unreasonably guilty about thinking that, because despite everything, Roman had always been the nice guy. And part of the package of being the nice guy was that he was gifted with an overabundance of understanding, and part of him knew he was being unreasonable by expecting Virgil to act like nothing was wrong. But, damn it, Virgil was his best friend. Sure, he got some leeway for being an asshole considering the circumstances, but not that much. Virgil wasn't allowed to be a pain in the ass who avoided him, he just wasn't. Also, it totally wasn't fair. Was it his fault that Virgil had a crush on him?
(Love, his mind corrected. Virgil said he's in love. Roman was getting particularly good at squashing that voice or ignoring the fact that it even existed in the first place.)
No. It wasn't his fault. And it also wasn't his fault that he didn't feel the same way, so where was Virgil getting off being all hurt and wounded and not hanging out with Roman anymore? Like he was the only wounded party here. Roman hadn't done anything wrong, so why the hell was Virgil punishing him by pulling off this whole vanishing act of his? Who did he think he was, David Copperfield? Jesus fuck, Roman was getting a headache just from dealing with all of it.
Despite his righteous anger and annoyance over the entire issue, though, he couldn't help but think about it. About Virgil. About that night in Virgil's room, illuminated only by the too bright orange electric lights outside, shadows hiding his face but doing nothing to hide the tremble in his voice when he whispered, "I love you, Ro. I'm in love with you.". And how, like in the most painfully clichéd moment, the shadows had shifted just right for him to see the brief flicker of devastation in Virgil's face when he'd replied, "I'm sorry, Virgil. I just don't feel that way about you."
Oh, Virgil had brushed it off. Had laughed, and said he was embarrassed now then cracked a joke about it, and Roman had only been too glad to let him. He should've known, though, that it wouldn't be that easy. Should've known when he realized that Virgil made sure not to sit too close after that, even while they talked of inconsequential things and made plans to go to the restaurant Virgil had been raving about before. Should've known when he'd hesitated by Virgil's door before he left and asked if they were okay; Virgil had flinched just before Roman's hand landed on Virgil's shoulder, and hesitated for a split second before he smiled and said '"Of course, why shouldn't we be?"'
Roman should've known it wouldn't be that easy. And maybe part of him did know, but he'd just been hoping because, okay, he was selfish. He didn't want Virgil's feelings (and were they real? Or were they just fuelled by the half empty bottle of red wine he'd spied on Virgil's table, a bottle that Roman was damned sure hadn't been opened before that night) to ruin what was, to him, possibly the best friendship he'd had with anyone. He didn't see why they needed to mess with the status quo; Virgil was already closer to him than anyone else, than anyone had ever been. Virgil was probably closer to him than any of his past girlfriends or boyfriends.
But no, Virgil just had to go and disappear on him. He scowled. Fine, he'd let him. And yeah, maybe it was because the situation had turned a little awkward, but it was also because he knew that Virgil needed it. That Virgil needed time away to think and regroup and sort things out in his head. So he'd been prepared to give Virgil his space, had even complied by going out of his way to not be as touchy as he usually was, to make sure Virgil wouldn't have to see him as much as he'd normally have to -
(Yeah, like your reasons were really that honourable, that voice cut in, snidely. And shit, Roman really hated that thrice-damned voice.)
- but it had already been nearly two months, and all that seemed to be happening was Virgil improving his evading techniques. And sure, he'd been prepared to let Virgil take his time to get used to things again, to settle down back into his rightful place as Roman's best friend, but if things kept on going the way they were, that was never going to happen.
Shit, he never knew Virgil could keep a grudge against him for so long. Other people, sure, but him? Hell no. Virgil had never been unable to deny him anything, to be angry with him for long periods of time. It was Virgil who was the more affectionate of them both, despite popular belief, so how the hell was it that he was managing just fine with not seeing Roman when the prolonged distance from Virgil was making Roman feel like he was going crazy?
To add insult to injury? Somehow this was all his fault. Logan had been noticeably cooler to him and Dolian and Remy were getting annoyed with him. Patton, who was probably nicer than even Roman, was constantly giving him the stink eye. But they loved him anyway. God, people confused him sometimes. But since when did all of this become his fault? Why was he the bad guy in this situation?
It pissed Roman off. He knew that the majority of them would obviously be more loyal to Virgil since they'd known him longer. Roman'd only transferred two years ago, but still. They were as much his friends as they were Virgil's, so why the hell were they taking Virgil's side on this? And it wasn't as though they even knew the full story anyway, so they had no right to be all righteously indignant on Virgil's behalf, especially when Virgil himself seemed more content to just hide.
But fuck, he missed Virgil. He missed Virgil's smile and his laugh and how Virgil could laugh at his jokes and how they could talk about anything at all, but that they could just be quiet together, too. He didn't realise how much time he spent with Virgil, talking to Virgil, until Virgil wasn't there anymore.
It was like he had to constantly correct himself in his head, remind himself that Virgil wasn't around, so he couldn't talk to him about this, or tell him that joke, or show him that thing. It was kind of driving him insane. And he also realised that, strange as it sounded, Virgil grounded him. Virgil made sure he never did anything too stupid, anything he would regret. Because when Virgil was gone, he did just that.
They were in the dining hall, and for the first time in what felt like forever, Virgil had joined them. And was sitting next to him. And yeah, there was a tension that wasn't there two months ago, but Virgil was there. And Virgil was smiling tentatively at him and teasing him like usual and part of Roman felt so much relief at that that it was staggering. It was like whatever it was that had knocked his world askew had righted itself again.
Then, of course, the shit hit the fan. He should've known something would go wrong.
Virgil was talking to Dolian and Remy, completely cracking up at something they were telling him, when it happened. Patton was filling Logan in about what had happened that weekend. Logan had gone back home, while Dolian and Remy had hung out with Virgil so he didn't know what had happened. Neither did Virgil, but Virgil was busy at that moment, so it was relatively safe. But shit, he should've known that would come back and bite him in the ass.
"So let me get this straight," Logan said, and his mouth was twitching. "Despite your protestations about how you'd never touch 'that witch', as you put it, with a ten foot pole, you let her shove her tongue down your throat?"
"Yeah, aren't you afraid she'd rip your face off?" Remus taunted and Roman rolled his eyes as they all cracked up, continuing to rib him. They were also being too loud. Logan, though, wasn't laughing. He was frowning, shooting a worried glance Virgil's way, and hell, had Virgil's feelings been obvious to everyone but him? Because it was obvious that Logan knew, at least enough to be worried about Virgil's reaction should he overhear. Roman felt his hand curl into a fist as he scowled. Why the hell should Logan be so worried about Virgil, anyway? It wasn't like it was any of his damned business. He didn't like the way Logan had been all over Virgil recently, being so concerned and worried and hanging all over him. It pissed him off, especially since Logan hadn't bothered to do that before.
Except that wasn't quite true. Roman knew Logan had looked, he just couldn't do anything about it before, because before Roman had always been by Virgil's side. There hadn't been room for anyone else. Now, though? Now Virgil was Roman-free. His nails dug crescent dents in his palm.
He didn't have time to stew, though, or freak out about stewing, because the sound of their raucous laughter had attracted Virgil's attention. He swung from his own conversation with a smile still curving his lips and his eyes still bright with mirth to ask, "What? What did I miss?" And shit. Roman felt his stomach twist as he shook his head hurriedly, trying for a reassuring smile he was sure fell flat.
"Nothing, don't worry about it."
"No," Virgil said, slowly, the brightness of his eyes already starting to dim with confusion and suspicion. "Really, what's so funny?"
"Just Roman," Remus snorted, before anyone could stop him. Patton was looking at Virgil with sympathy and Logan was glaring at him. "He finally pulled Julie on Friday. Oh la la," he sang out, batting his eyelashes. "Is it looooooove?"
"Shut up," Roman snapped, uncharacteristically. Remus's eyes widened with surprise, but Roman couldn't even apologise for his curtness, because his eyes were all for Virgil. If he hadn't been watching him, he wouldn't have noticed how Virgil had gone completely still for a split second, how his face had actually paled a little, his mouth pressing into a firm line as though to stop from trembling and the sheer, devastating hurt in his eyes. It only lasted that split second, though, because the next thing he knew, Virgil was laughing, and bumping his shoulder like nothing was wrong, like his eyes weren't a tad too bright and his smile a touch too forced.
"So much for not being interested in witches, eh?" he said, teasingly. If anyone heard the barely there tremble in his voice, no one said anything. Logan had immediately jumped in, offering,
"That's what I said!"
"Great minds think alike," Virgil said, promptly, and that was that. Even as they moved from the topic, Roman watched him. And when everyone's (or almost everyone's, - Roman could feel Logan's stare a heavy and constant weight on them) attention was gone, he nudged his shoulder gently against Virgil's until Virgil looked at him.
"Are you okay?" he asked, softly. And, okay, that was a stupid question and he should have never asked it, but he was genuinely worried about Virgil. He never wanted to hurt him. He didn't like that he'd caused that hurt in Virgil's eyes, before. He felt his stomach twist again, this time with something like guilt, and Roman worried his bottom lip as he waited for Virgil's response. Virgil tilted his head, looking at Roman like he was trying to figure him out. Finally, he sighed and smiled, but it was still forced, nothing like the bright, genuine warmth of the smiles he used to show Roman.
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" he asked, and Roman really had nothing to say to that. Then he jolted when Virgil stood, picking up his tray. Before Virgil could take even a step away, his hand shot out to grab Virgil's arm. Virgil had to shift quickly to avoid dumping the contents of his tray on the floor, cursing softly under his breath, before he glared at Roman. "What the hell was that for?"
"Where are you going?" Roman blurted out before he could think. And why the hell had he done that? Shit. His hand was doing things his brain did not order it to, now. Virgil looked at Roman like he was something he couldn't quite figure out, but it was tinged with annoyance, now.
"Back to my room," Virgil retorted, curtly. "I've got an essay due in for tomorrow that I've not finished. Can I go now, dad?" he asked, sarcastically. Roman quickly let his arm go when he realised they were being watched, flushing darkly as he muttered an apology. Virgil raised his eyebrow at him, then shook his head and started walking off. A clatter from the other end of the table caught Roman's attention and he turned his head just in time to see Logan jump up and grab his tray.
"I need to go, too. Virgil! Wait up!" He sped towards Virgil, who was waiting patiently for him. Roman watched as Logan said something that made a small smile curve Virgil's lips, and then the two of them laughed as they started off. His mouth thinned. Great, Logan was proceeding with his ass kissing. Just fantastic. He was sure Virgil would be happy. He sniffed and turned back to his plate of food, when he then noticed all of his friends staring at him.
"What?" he asked, defensively. Patton sighed, then shook his head at him.
"Aren't you going after him?" Patton asked, pointedly. Roman scoffed as he shovelled a forkful of whatever they passed off as ravioli into his mouth.
"Why the hell should I?" he asked, resentfully, stabbing irritatedly at another piece of ravioli. "Virgil seems pretty happy to be with him."
"You do realise Logan's got a massive crush on Virgil, right?" Remy said, bluntly, and Roman's eyes flew to him, shocked. Remy snorted at his wide-eyed expression. "What, did you think I didn't notice? I'm not as blind as you, princey."
"Hey!" Roman said, angrily. "It's not my fault that I didn't realise that Virgil liked me, okay? And how is it my fault if I don't feel the same way?"
"Oh my god, you're more of an idiot than I thought," Dolian said in disbelief. "Are you really this thick or are you just being a stubborn ass?"
"Fuck you," Roman snapped, and Remy snorted, taking a sip of his cappuccino.
"No thanks, buddy. I don't have Virgil's patience to deal with your idiocy."
"Why the fuck is everyone on his side?"
"Maybe because you're a complete fucking ass," Dolian snapped back. "Everyone can see he's completely gone over you, and you over him. You're just being a complete dumbass about it. Are you really going to just sit there in complete denial while Logan sweeps him off his feet while he's hurt and vulnerable, or are you going to man up and actually fucking do something about it?"
"I'm not - " Roman began to deny, but stopped when he felt Patton’s hand on his arm. He looked at him, almost desperate to get away from the accusations and saw sympathy in his eyes.
"Yes, Roman," he said, gently. "You really are. We all knew it, but we couldn't really do anything about it if you were going to ignore what was obviously under your nose, and especially if Virgil wasn't going to say anything. But Virgil has said something, obviously, and if you don't realise how you feel about him, you really are going to lose him. You know Virgil doesn't think when he's emotional, and he's much more reckless than usual too. If you just let this go now, he's not going to come back to you. Not the way you want him to."
Roman felt trapped, and it was hard to breathe now. They were all still looking at him, but his panic must have been obvious for everyone to see because the anger was draining out and they were all starting to soften and look sympathetic. But they had to be wrong; he didn't like Virgil like that. He would've noticed; it wasn't as though he'd never been in a relationship with another guy before, wasn't as though he was blind to those things. He didn't feel like that about Virgil, Virgil was just -
"He's my best friend," Roman said, and he was startled to hear how small his voice was, how terrified. Patton smiled and patted his hand before letting it go.
"He's still your best friend, Ro," Remus said, and he slipped into the seat next to him, his arm going around him for a hug. "That doesn't have to change."
"But how do I know - "
"How do you feel when you think about Logan being with Virgil? I mean, being with Virgil, as his boyfriend."
Sudden, hot rage filled Roman. His jaw tightened and he gripped his fork so hard his knuckles whitened. "Like I want to smash his face against a wall," Roman said with a quiet snarl. Then he stopped short, aghast. His friends were looking at him with amusement, now, and Remy clapped him bracingly on the back.
"Well, go get him, tiger."
It took him a while, but one thing about Roman was that once he made up his mind, he did went through with his decision. And while it had taken him time to realise the folly of his own mistake, he was now prepared to do everything it took to fix things with Virgil. He couldn't do anything about the fact that he'd hurt Virgil, but he'd make it up to him. He was confident of that. Now all he could hope was that Virgil would forgive him.
He took the stairs to Virgil's floor two at a time, excited and nervous. So much could go wrong, if they did this. So much. But at the same time, as it had been drummed into him at dinner, so much could go right as well.
He stopped outside of Virgil's room, taking a deep breath. He pressed a hand to his chest and felt the hard, fast beat of his heart and grinned. He was nervous, how could he not be? This was Virgil, his best friend. Part of him had always loved Virgil, so this was really… just an extension of that. And he was confident that he'd have Virgil, because how could he not? They were perfect for each other and Virgil had said he was in love with him. He just had to apologise and maybe grovel for a bit and spend as long as he'd need to make it up to Virgil, but Virgil was his, just as much as he was Virgil's. Then he realised that the door wasn't fully closed. Frowning, he pushed the door open, because it wasn't like Virgil to forget to close his door. Virgil was fiercely protective of his private space.
"Hey, Virge, your door wasn't - " Roman didn't have time to finish his sentence, eyes finally registering what he was seeing. His words ground to a halt as he watched Virgil jump, then shove Logan away from him. But he was too late, because Roman had already seen it, seen Virgil on the desk with Logan standing between his legs, heads angled and mouths pressed together. Logan's hands were in Virgil's hair as Virgil's arms were wrapped around Logan's waist, gripping fistfuls of his shirt. Virgil was bright red as he stared at Roman in horror, hand pressed unconsciously to his mouth. Logan was righting his glasses as his tongue darted out to lick at his lips, as though to chase the lingering traces of Virgil's taste off of them, and it was that sight that got him moving.
Roman couldn't remember how it happened, exactly, only that one moment he was at Virgil's doorway, and the next he had gripped Logan's collar and hauled his arm back to deliver a punch. Virgil cried out as Logan stumbled from the force of his blow, scrambling off the desk before he froze, eyes darting to Roman, then Logan, torn between who to go to. Logan's groan as he pushed himself up seemed to decide for him, and he crouched by his side. Just the sight of Virgil's hands gentle on Logan's face had Roman wanting to punch the smug bastard all over again.
"Jesus Christ, Roman!" Virgil shouted, even as he pressed the mark on Logan's face gingerly. It was already swelling, and Roman felt a sense of savage satisfaction from that. "What the hell are you doing? Fuck, realise your own goddamn strength, you idiot, you could've really hurt him!"
"Good!" Roman snarled, then he strode over and grabbed Virgil's arm, wrenching him away from Logan. "That was what I was going for."
"What the hell has gotten into you?" Virgil shouted, twisting out of his grasp to whirl around, hands on hips, to glare at Roman. "What the hell were you thinking, barging into my room and punching Logan? Have you gone insane?"
"What I was thinking was that he needed to keep his goddamned mouth off of what's mine!" Roman exploded. Virgil's eyes widened as his mouth went slack with shock. Shit. Roman sighed, all the fight going out of him as he ran a hand over his face. Then he flicked a glance at Logan's still, cautious form, narrowing his eyes menacingly. "Scram. This conversation is between me and him."
Logan pushed himself up, brushed himself off, and moved slowly and with great dignity. As he passed by Roman, he stopped. To his benefit, he didn't flinch despite the fact that Roman towered over him, and was obviously stronger. He kept his back straight and his expression serious.
"Don't think I'm backing off because I'm afraid of you," Logan said, quietly. "I'm only leaving because it's goddamned obvious that Virgil loves you, not me, and that you've finally got your head out of your add. But if you ever hurt him, -" here his eyes narrowed threateningly. "-I will take him away from you before you even realise what's going on." Then he walked out and closed the door quietly behind him.
They stood in the ensuing silence, both uncomfortable. Virgil was staring at him, but his posture was different, now. His arms were crossed, shoulders slightly hunched, and the defensiveness in the gesture had Roman's heart aching. Wariness and confusion radiated from him, and Roman finally sighed, walking over to Virgil close enough that he could feel Virgil's heat through his clothes, so close that their tips of their shoes bumped and his chest was brushing against Virgil's with each breath. He reached up to cup Virgil's face, thumbs brushing against his cheekbones and leaned forward to press their foreheads together.
"I had a speech planned," Roman admitted quietly. Virgil made a soft noise, but Roman pressed his lips against Virgil's lightly and that effectively shut him up, eyes going wide at the move. "Shh. Just let me talk first, okay? I know I deserve to have you yelling at me first but I just… I need to tell you something first. I need you to hear something first."
Virgil hesitated for a moment, but he finally nodded, and Roman let out a soft breath of relief. But once he had the floor, he was completely blank. He didn't know how to start, and he was floundering. He almost jumped when he felt Virgil's hands circle his wrists, and he was afraid that Virgil was going to pull his hands away, but all he did was hold on, his touch reassuring. Roman smiled at that and closed his eyes. How had he not noticed this? How just Virgil's touch calmed him, how Virgil knew him so goddamned well. No one had ever read him as well as Virgil did.
"Like I said," Roman finally said. "I had this great speech planned out. I was going to apologise. Maybe fall to my knees or something because I know you can never resist me when I'm a dork. Yeah, I wasn't above playing dirty, either." He felt Virgil chuckle, and he smiled, couldn't help himself from giving Virgil's forehead a kiss. "I was going to do things right, now that I've had a… lot of things rubbed in my face. Like how much of an idiot I was being, and how being stubborn wasn't going to help anyone. That I needed you," he admitted, finally. "And that… that being together wouldn't mean we'd stop being best friends, or that it would ruin what we already have."
"Ro," Virgil began, and Roman found that kissing him quiet was really starting to be satisfying.
"Just a little bit more," Roman promised. "I just… I wanted it to be perfect because of what I've made you go through these past two months, but then I came in here and I saw him and you were kissing and I just… if I didn't know already, that would've made me realise. That I had to confront my feelings for you. Because god, Virgil, seeing his hands on you made me want to - " he broke off with a shuddering breath and Virgil made a soft sound of comfort. "I wanted to rip him apart," Roman admitted. "I was so angry, because you're mine, Virgil, goddamned mine and he didn't have the right to touch you like that. Jesus Christ, I've never… I'm not like this. I don't get possessive like this. I never have, but with you - you're different, Virge. When it comes to you, my head's all messed up. I can't think straight and I'm dumber than usual. I know it's an excuse but it's true. You mess me up. You drive me completely crazy.
"And you know, that kind of scares the everlasting shit out of me. But it kind of makes it impossible for me to pretend that we're just friends, because friends don't get that jealous when someone kisses their best friend."
"Can I talk now?" Virgil asked after a moment of silence that was becoming steadily more awkward. Roman let out a breath of relief and nodded. "You hurt me, Ro," Virgil said, quietly. Roman flinched and would have pulled back, but Virgil's hands tightened on his wrists, nails digging in. "You hurt me so goddamned much. And then you avoided me, and yeah, I know I started it but it was just… I didn't know how to stop anymore. Not when it looked like you didn't want to be around me anymore."
"That wasn't - " Roman began, startled, but it was Virgil's turn to kiss him silent now, pushing up to his toes to reach. Roman shut up.
"I know," Virgil breathed against his lips. "When I thought about it, I knew. You're too goddamned considerate for your own good, at least in part. But you know, Ro, sometimes that hurts more. I didn't want you to think about me that much, not when you turned me down. I didn't want to have you protect me all the damned time. It made it impossible to let you go."
"I'm glad," Roman broke in, fiercely. "I'm sorry if it's selfish, but if it stopped you from giving up on me - "
"I don't think I could ever stop loving you," Virgil said, and Roman fell silent. "Ro, I've been in love with you for two years. I never meant to say anything but it got kind of impossible to just keep quiet when you do shit like barge into my room and fall on top of me to sleep, or hand feed me pizza. Or the million other things that you do to me. But I don't want you to do this just because you feel like it's the only way you can keep me."
"I'm not," Roman assured him. He pulled his hands away from Virgil, and wrapped them around his waist, pulling him as close as he could. He buried his face in Virgil's neck, breathing in Virgil's scent shakily. "I wouldn't do that. As it's been said way too many times tonight, I can be kind of dumb sometimes. It takes me longer to figure things out that are obvious to some people. It just took me a while to realise that I don't just care about you in a friend way, that I'm just as stupid in love with you as you are with me."
"Are you sure about that?" Virgil asked, quietly. "Because I swear to god, Ro, if you're fucking with me - "
Yeah, there really was nothing quite as satisfying as kissing Virgil quiet.