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Keith bolts upright and tosses the scratchy orange wool blanket the Garrison gave him to his knees. Today's the day. Today's the day that Shiro comes back.
He swings his sock feet over the side of the bed and gingerly alights on the cold hardwood. He pulls the chain to switch the bedside light on although he can already see what time it is in the dark. The red neon lights glare at him from his alarm clock.
4:30
It's insanely early. But it's a big day.
Sometime in the middle of brushing his teeth he spaces out and thinks of all the days he marked off on the calendar with a red 'x,' counting the days until Shiro came back. He didn't start doing it until the second year, to be honest. But one day, while he was just sitting by himself and waiting for time to pass faster, it irked him not knowing how many more days Shiro was going to be gone, so he decided to find out.
Once he finishes in the bathroom he hops over to his desk and checks his calendar again. He takes it down from the pin on the wall, flips it, and looks at it from every different angle to make sure he's not hallucinating. Maybe he made a mistake, here--but he isn't. That's a red 'x' on yesterday. And today is the day marked with Shiro's return from long ago.
Sometimes missions get extended, but Keith has been keeping up with the news, and occasionally he gets rumors from Iverson--
Keith rubs his eyes. Again to make sure he's not dreaming. But it's today.
---
Kerberos doesn't land as elegantly as it took off. Most of the rocket seen on TV was either an engine or a booster stage, with the purpose of getting the crew out of the atmosphere. Once the rocket got up there, the stages separated, leaving the capsule the crew was in free enough to travel all the way to the outer planet.
Something similar happened on the other end.
What that means is that Shiro, Matt, and Sam aren't coming back in a rocket; they're coming back in a helicopter after the reentry vehicle lands at sea.
Keith watches every minute of it in the cafeteria that morning as he chomps his powdered scrambled eggs tasting none of it. It's a blur and a smudge on the TV screen and then they're getting the crew out safe and sound, Shiro included.
The pressure in Keith's chest releases, stress he didn't even realize was there.
He doesn't know where they're going to bring Shiro when he comes back, but probably to the big courtyard, seeing as there's enough room to land a helicopter.
Even in his senior cadet's uniform, he can't make his way through the crowd that's already gathered to see the new astronauts' arrival.
Eventually, he just starts elbowing people.
It's especially hard to get past the last three rows, given that people are grabbing at him and actively holding him back, but Keith makes it just in time to see Shiro step off the plane.
Suddenly, all the breath leaves Keith in one whoosh. That's a face he hasn't seen up close in a long time. Official pictures have floated around, sure, and they show his face on TV, but it's not the same as seeing Takashi Shirogane interact with him, reacting in real time.
Shiro smiles, waving in the midst of all the flashbulbs that point his way. It's just like him, trying to talk to all the reporters and answer all the questions, although he must be exhausted.
Sam and Matt get attention, too, but it's nothing like the focus on Shiro.
The hand on his elbow disappears, and he thinks about rushing towards Shiro, but he hesitates. His palms sweat. Shiro's a national hero now; what will he think about Keith? Off doing incredible things while Keith's been here on Earth; how could anything he did here during the past two years compare to Shiro? Shiro actively did a service for humanity.
He turns around and tries to make his way back to his room, but the crowd's too thick. Pushing his way back, he only makes it to the middle before it's like hitting a wall of bricks. Some of them are officers, some of them civilians, but what they all have in common is that not one of them will move.
"Keith? Keith," a voice calls from behind him. He knows that voice; he hasn't heard anything like it for two years.
With wide eyes, Keith stops trying to make his way through the crowd and looks back over his shoulder. That figure--broad shoulders, flyaway hair--is one he would know anywhere.
"Shiro!"
Unlike Keith's direct approach, Shiro turns sideways and tries to inch his way through the crowd like he's crossing a ledge. Before he knows it, Keith is putting his hand to his mouth to stifle laughter, the butterflies having temporarily gone away. Even the man of the hour is having trouble with these crowds.
Shiro reaches out to him over the shoulders of two shorter people, but with all the people in front of them, he still can't reach. "Keith--grab my hand."
Keith tries, but--it's really hard. People are grabbing at Shiro's uniform and still shoving mics in his face. This whole thing feels like swimming through jell-o. "I'm trying!"
All of a sudden, Keith receives a hard push from behind. Someone trying to make their way to the front of the crowd, no doubt, probably not realizing that Shiro is trying to make his way back. He stumbles at first, but it ends up being just the push he needs to end up in Shiro's arms.
He looks up and suddenly he's there. Shiro, with his warm gray eyes and a face that's too kind for Keith to ever think him serious or stern, smiles down at him, and Keith thinks that maybe Shiro's happy to see him, too. He wants to get lost in this moment but suddenly Shiro loops his hand around his waist, and redoubles his efforts to make it out of the crowd.
With the two of them they have a much better chance. No one exactly makes way for them, but with Shiro pushing him through, the wall breaks much more easily. It's like wading now, instead of swimming.
When they make it to the end, Shiro looks back over his shoulder, moves his hand up to Keith's shoulder, and hunches down next to Keith like he wants to tell him a secret. Keith doesn't know what he sees, but in that moment, he'll do anything.
"Do you have a room?"
"Uh, yes." He doesn't understand the strain in Shiro's voice until he looks back over his shoulder and sees a lot of people with gold lace and badges headed their way. "Come on," he says, and takes Shiro's hand.
They make it all the way to senior cadet berthing, Keith letting go of Shiro's hand at some point because he does seem to remember a lot of it, even though he hasn't been here on Earth for two years. Shiro used to have a room here, once.
As soon as Keith slides open the door via palm reader, they file in and he closes the door behind him. He collapses against the wall, out of breath, and Shiro does the same next to him. It takes him a few more breaths to realize that Shiro is here with him. Not just a figment of his imagination, but actually here.
Then Shiro pulls him into a full-bodied hug. "Missed you so much," he says. "Glad to see you're okay."
Shiro's squishing him, arms crushing him to his sternum and probably causing damage to his kidneys through his back, but he's not going to complain. "Why wouldn't I be okay?" he says when he pulls back. Shiro's hand is still on his shoulder.
"I don't know, I just--I'm glad you're okay." Shiro laughs sheepishly, and Keith laughs too. He feels like his blood pressure is off the charts. No matter that Shiro is already back on Earth, he feels a need to be closer to Shiro, so he hugs him again, trying to duplicate what he felt when Shiro first hugged him.
In his flight suit, Shiro is cold from the outdoor air and the air in the landing capsule.
"There were some days I thought I'd never see you again," Shiro confesses, and Keith feels it like a lump in his throat. There were times he thought that about Shiro, too. It was a scary feeling.
"Me too."
They hug until it feels awkward to do so, at least for Keith, and then the doubt returns. He clears his throat. "So, you're a national hero."
Pink rises to Shiro's cheeks and he scratches the back of his head. "Yeah, I guess so. I mean--I guess that sounds pretty cocky to say, doesn't it?"
"Doesn't sound cocky if it's true."
"I guess so, judging from all the people out there. Sam and Matt are probably getting swarmed."
"Ooh, yeah. I hope they made it somewhere safe."
Keith wonders if Pidge has found them yet. Around the same time Keith did, she started counting down to the end of Kerberos, and yesterday, they coordinated the best way to get in contact with the astronauts. The entire plan went to crap, though. But somehow, Shiro found him.
Keith stares at the carpet, trying to figure out what this means, when Shiro interrupts his silence.
"You got bigger while I was gone."
Now it's Keith's turn to stutter. "I-I suppose I did."
Keith crosses his arms. It hasn't been the same, not having Shiro around to spar with, but some of the other cadets aren't bad. He had to make do in Shiro's absence, and sometimes sparring was the only way to get the stress out. That, or working out.
"I mean, a lot bigger. Are you taller, too?" Shiro tries to maneuver so he can see exactly how Keith measures up when they're face to face, but Keith does not want to do this now. Shiro isn't one of his friend's relatives.
Besides, he knows exactly where he measures up to Shiro. The top of his head comes up to his eyes now instead of the bottom of his ear.
"Shiro--" Keith pushes him off, and hope he doesn't take too much offense. He's going to make Keith blush, at this rate, and he doesn't need to know how much Keith still likes him on day one.
"Okay, okay," Shiro acquiesces. Things calm down for a bit while they sit side by side on Keith's bed, and if he ignores the fact that Shiro just got back from the world's greatest mission, things almost feel like they used to. "When do you graduate?"
"Couple months."
"That's great! I always knew you would do well here."
He was thinking of being the pilot for the Mars mission, but it's not like Kerberos. There's not going to be another mission like Kerberos for another decade, at least. But Shiro seems genuinely proud of him.
"Really? You never had your doubts?"
"No." Huh. Shiro answers him with a voice as calm as the sea. He forgot how easy it was to grow up here and bask in Shiro's love. Not actual love, of course. But guiding love.
When Shiro's not looking, he takes the picture of him and Shiro laughing together off his nightstand and tosses it in the first drawer. He doesn't need to know how Keith would look at it and cry himself to sleep each night, or how Keith would put in his headphones and listen to some of the songs they used to listen to together just so he could feel closer to Shiro and wonder what he was doing. Shiro doesn't need to know that.
If he listens closely, he can hear a rumbling outside.
"I don't know how long I can hide in here, to be honest. The media is pretty ravenous."
"How are they gonna find you here? I'm sure they're not allowed in cadet dorms."
Shiro's posture slumps slightly. "Iverson has my number." He unzips one of his pockets to show Keith the little comms unit in there.
Keith flops back on his bed and pillows his arms behind his head. "Can't you just ignore him?"
"I wish. If I don't want to have a career after this, I can."
Keith still thinks Shiro should ignore it. "Everyone loves you, I wouldn't worry about that."
Shiro scrutinizes him and Keith wonders if he's said something wrong, but it's probably just his imagination. The longer they stay there, away from the world and away from the media, he can see the tension in Shiro's shoulders relax.
Once he thinks the time is right, he sits up again and creeps closer. "So how was space?"
"It was fantastic. The big unknown. Vast. Boring at times, but, you know, exciting."
"Did you find any aliens?"
"No," Shiro says, and pushes Keith down on the bed. Keith giggles. "That reminds me, I have something for you." He hands Keith a silver disk inside a case. "It's my journal. They're probably going to make it classified, once they talk to me, but they haven't seen it yet. Keep it safe for me, will you?" Shiro winks.
"This is a copy, right?"
"Yeah. The rest of it's in the ship's logs."
Keith takes it and turns it around, watching the light reflect. Maybe watching it will bring him closer to Shiro. He wants to know what it was like for him, every little bit.
---
The next few days, Shiro is in and out with the media. His spare moments he fills with doctor's appointments, and Keith can't get in a moment edgewise.
From the frown on her face, Pidge feels the same way. Keith doesn't know what to do except hang out with her in the common area. "Whose idea was it to not let them be with their families? Like, I know that Matt is my dad's son, and he's Matt's dad, but didn't anyone think that they had other family, too? Maybe some family that wants to see them?"
Keith would argue with her, but he couldn't have said it better himself. "I guess they didn't think about that at all. Too concerned with their own PR campaign to see them as people."
"The Kerberos mission's still going. That's what they told me up at headquarters, anyway." Pidge collapses on the table and smushes her cheek with her hand. "How did you see Shiro? I know you're not actual family."
"Shiro kind of ran off.."
"I heard that."
Seeing as Pidge is a blood relative, the Garrison tried to give her front row access to the landing along with her mother, but seeing how many people there were vying for the astronaut's attention, none of that really worked out. They said the medical evaluations were the most important part, but even that is going on and on and on.
"Tell me when this is over," Keith moans. It's bad enough that he had to wait while Shiro was in space. Now he has to wait while he's on Earth, too? It's worse this way, knowing Shiro is so close but so far. Absolutely the worst.
---
When Shiro is back, they fall into their old routine: sneaking out on the roof to watch the stars, racing hoverbikes through the desert, getting a bite to eat at old hole-in-the-wall diners. Keith even shows Shiro the cave system he's been exploring. But nothing feels the same.
It doesn't have the same thrill to it anymore. Keith isn't a junior cadet, so he doesn't have a curfew. He doesn't need Shiro's help with school anymore, having gotten along for so long without him. And Shiro acts strange. He trips over his words often, and more than one time when they're watching the sky Keith catches Shiro looking over at him.
They go out to race hoverbikes today, and though they usually have fun, Shiro's victory irks him. Shiro only wins by a hair, but this time it feels like he blows by Keith. Keith doesn't feel good at all.
They take off their helmets and sit sideways on their bikes, and for some reason, Keith can't get over the fact that Shiro just beat him. It's strange because he knows he's competitive, but not to this extent.
Shiro stares at him, and Keith snaps back with a mean, "What?"
"Nothing. You just look nice tonight."
Keith blinks several times. He'll admit he's taken a little aback. "I look the same as I do every night." It's not like he's changed. He wears the same windbreaker that Shiro gifted him all those nights ago, the red one with the yellow stripe, the same jeans, and the same fingerless gloves. Well, they're not the exact same jeans, but they look the same. That's Keith's point.
"I know, but--you're just a sight for sore eyes."
He doesn't know how to respond to it, so he replies with a murmured, "Thanks."
Shiro's a sight for sore eyes, too, but he feels like there's a gap between them and there are two sides he can't connect. He supposes it's worse for Shiro--being on Earth, Keith had his own bank of pictures, and every news outlet gave updates on the Kerberos mission from time to time, and they would always show his face--but Shiro didn't have that. No Internet, no messages, no nothing. No humans except Sam and Matt. No wonder Keith is a sight for sore eyes.
The desert air is chilly against his sweat-soaked skin, but he doesn't mind too much. Shiro says the night is a good night for stargazing, and once they name everything they can see, Shiro and he paints a picture for Keith of what the stars looked like on Kerberos. It's hard to visualize without a map, so he eventually surrenders and lets himself get lost in Shiro's voice, until internally, he can't take it anymore.
"Are you disappointed in me?" Keith asks.
Shiro turns to him with displeasure written between his eyebrows. "What? Where did that come from? Why would I be disappointed in you, Keith? I'm proud of you, always proud of you."
"Well, I haven't done anything since you left for Kerberos. I've just been going to school here, and I didn't do anything as amazing as flying to the edge of the solar system. You did something worthwhile, you have fame--everyone wants to be you, nowadays."
"Why would you think that?"
Because--
It's not something Keith has a reason for, it's something he just feels. He's been chasing Shiro's comet for a while now, and now he feels like he can never measure up.
"You think I'm disappointed in you for--living?"
Well, living and not being as extraordinary as Shiro. Keith nods.
"Keith, there were some days I would have died to come back to Earth. And just spend a few hours hanging out at the Garrison with those I used to know. Don't wish away those hours. And also, how can I be disappointed in you? you have your whole life to do extraordinary things, and you will. I know you will."
"But what if I don't?"
Shiro sighs and Keith never knew his face could crumple like that. "You will. And if you don't, I wouldn't care. I hope you know I like you for you. Please believe me."
Keith sighs and slides off his own bike to climb over to Shiro's and sit next to him. He can't argue Shiro when he's begging so plainy.
He kicks at the exhaust guard idly with his boots and huffs at his bangs, blowing them up a few inches.
"Fine."
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"I do, but--" It just feels so strange to have Shiro back. And it really feels like they're not on the same footing, and he can't measure up anymore. "You're just so good at everything."
And he wouldn't care, but that means Keith can't compete with Shiro anymore, if he's better. If he's so far away from Keith's league, he'll just move on to bigger and better things where he can find competition, and then he won't need Keith anymore, will he? He's just afraid Shiro's going to leave him again, after all this time.
"Come here," Shiro says, grabbing his arm and dismounting from the bike. He pulls Keith with him until Keith slides off and follows him to the ground.
"What are we doing?"
"Sparring." Shiro lies down in the dirt and wraps his legs around Keith's waist so that Keith is in his guard. "All right, go."
They tussle for a bit, and then eventually, Keith ends up on top.
"Let's go again. Go."
They go at it again, and again, the fight ends with Keith on top, and Shiro face down in the dirt.
"Are you even trying?" Keith asks.
Shiro yanks at his wrists which are in Keith's grip. "Yes, I'm trying, I'm just--ugh--not as strong as I used to be." Keith lets go and takes the pressure off Shiro's back. He stands up and helps Shiro to his feet. Shiro dusts off.
"You're terrible," Keith says, not out of any malice but because he's surprised he can beat Shiro.
"Uh, yeah, not a lot of places to practice in space." Keith's been practicing every other day, at least. "So. You wanna see me as a human again, or not?"
He follows Shiro as he treks back to his bike. He feels so seen. "Maybe. As long as I can help you get better."
"I'm sure that would be a big help. Ready?"
He watches as Shiro straddles his bike. He swings that leg over, and Keith tries not to drool.
"Ready." They head back for the night.
---
Keith's lucky his laptop doubles as a portable DVD player, because otherwise he wouldn't have a way to watch Shiro's journal. He could probably ask Pidge or Hunk to do something fancy with technology, but he likes it being the only one to see this. Outside of the Garrison's top brass, of course.
He settles under the covers and puts his headphones in, and this time, instead of crying and looking at a picture of Shiro, he has the real thing. Almost.
The screen fizzles to life, and once the static disappears, there's an image of Shiro, looking young, possibly a little more gaunt, and healthy.
He expects the Shiro on-screen to direct the message to the entire world, do a generic overview of his day, that sort of thing. But what he finds isn't that.
"Keith," the message begins. That's strange. Why is he directing his journal towards Keith? "Sam and Matt are asleep right now, I'm the only one up. We've been out here for a while, and starting to go a little crazy." Keith looks at the day counter in the corner and the green lights say '167.' "I just want you to know that I miss you, and..I might have had more feelings for you than I could admit. When I get back, you're going to be all grown up..probably have someone of your own. I know you don't like girls because you told me, but wow, that's just something to think about. I worry that when I do get back everyone will have moved on, and forgotten me in the process. Completely irrational because it's just two years, but I had to get it out somehow. My actual log is on a second disk with Sam and Matt's, it's somewhere in the luggage compartment, but I thought I'd keep this one for emergencies. Thinking of you, Keith." Then the image shuts off.
What...was that? Are there more? He skips to the next scene and it seems like there isn't anything until day 233, and then they get more frequent.
"Hey Keith, busy day today. I found a rock you would like, it's got a lot of interesting properties." He holds it up to the camera, and Keith can barely see it because it's out of focus. "Lots of these things out there." He then proceeds to show Keith the rest of what they picked up for the day, and he keeps the camera on while he does some analysis. In fact, he leaves it on, and the video is extra long because the camera probably shut off on itself. Battery died, or something.
Something tells him Shiro did not want him to see this. Or did he? He can't really tell.
The next entry comes later, and Sam and Matt seem to have found out. "What's that? Talking to your boyfriend?" Matt asks.
"Shut up," Shiro says, covering the camera. But he's smiling as he does so.
There are a lot of these entries. Like a lot a lot. Keith presses the down arrow and scrolls through the disk at the bottom, and these go on for a long time. He's not going to have time to watch these all tonight. He slams his laptop shut and hides it under his bed.
There isn't a reason he needs to hide his laptop, considering there's nothing suspicious about a laptop on its own, and his door is locked for everyone but him, but still...just to be safe.
Oh my gosh. That entire time he was gone...Keith's been worried about Shiro leaving him behind, but the entire time, Shiro's been thinking about him? He pulls the covers up over his head to close himself in and process this information. So he need not have worried?
Five minutes later, he receives a knock on his door. Reluctantly, he crawls out from under the covers and pulls on a t-shirt and pants to look presentable.
"Who is it?"
"It's Shiro. I think I may have given you the wrong disk."
Finally, it makes sense. The extended looks, the wanting to hang out all the time. But that was them always, wasn't it? Shiro getting flustered and sometimes blushing at the smallest things.
Keith presses his palm against the palm reader so the door slides open, and he's met with Shiro standing there, bouncing on his feet and trying to look over Keith's shoulder.
"Wrong disk?"
He knows Shiro gave him the wrong disk, but now that he knows Shiro likes him, he doesn't want to give it up. Especially because he hasn't seen the rest of it. It's not fair. But at the same time, he doesn't want to make Shiro uncomfortable
"Yeah, I made two, one was the standard Garrison version, and the other was kind of like a diary...had some of my more obsessive thoughts…"
He decides there's no way out of this but to come clean. "Shiro, I saw the disk." Shiro gapes at him like a fish. "I didn't see every entry, but I'd like time to finish it, if I can. It's addressed to me, after all." He can see the breath rising in Shiro's chest, and he doesn't want him to freak out. "I want you too! I mean, it's okay, I didn't--"
Maybe the best way out of this is to kiss Shiro, like he's always wanted to. But he's never done it before, and what if his opinion changes by the end of the video?
Keith does it on the cheek. It's nighttime, so Shiro has a little stubble going there, and it feels good against Keith's lips.
In response, Shiro cups his face in both hands and goes for Keith's mouth. The truth is, he's been wanting this for so long, but he never thought Shiro would feel it too--
"You don't know how much I missed you," Shiro says when he gets some distance between them.
"If it's anything like how I missed you, then I think I know."
"I missed you so much."
Keith wraps his hands around Shiro's middle, and just runs them up and down his sides, feeling the fabric of his bathrobe there. It's so good to just hold Shiro in his arms, something he hasn't been able to do for two years, and really never been able to do like this before.
Shiro leans in for another kiss again, and Keith surges up to meet him. He hasn't been too enthusiastic of late, and he really wants to show Shiro that he enjoys his presence and wants him around.
Shiro thought Keith wouldn't like him? After everything?
Now that he thinks about it, gifting Keith the journal with his most private innermost thoughts must have been an embarrassing way to come out.
He kisses Shiro a few more times, better than morning dew and starlight, and then tells him the truth. "If you're not comfortable with me having that disk...I'll give it back. If you're not ready."
Shiro pants, out of breath. "Actually…I think we should watch it. Together. It'll be a good way to unwind after everything."
Keith imagines that, them curled up together watching videos with Shiro's head on his shoulder. Or maybe the other way around. After a sparring session, or a good meal. "It sure will."