Work Text:
Not knowing is scary.
Knowing is scary, too.
Taehyung leans over the wooden banister and the sleeve of his plaid shirt gets caught up in a splinter. He heaves out a sigh and it turns into white smoke, except he’s not smoking. Cigarettes are a luxury nowadays.
The scenery in front of him is snow on concrete. The streets under his feet are boisterous and busy. People are so busy these days. He hasn’t been busy in a while.
One day left of the year. Not even a full day if he really thinks about it. What are his resolutions for next year? Jimin mentioned something about taking over his father’s bakery the other day. He knows from the dinner they had on Seokjin’s birthday a few weeks back that he had finally decided he would do his masters after all at some boujee film school in Manhattan—if he gets in, that is. Yoongi’s podcast seems to be doing quite well despite its humble beginnings, and he seems quite happy with the blend of music and media content that he’s covering. Namjoon hasn’t been able to shut up about his summer-fling-turned-actual-relationship for the past few weeks, but Taehyung is nothing but a sucker for love, and he’d be lying if he said he isn’t happy Hoseok is now the one being dragged to whatever march or protest is happening that day.
His last phone conversation with Jeongguk dates back to September.
He crouches down and leans his head against the banister, hands clutched to the thin railings. What does he want from 2020?
A softer mattress. Coffee that is not instant. No cracks in the bathroom tiles. Better water pressure. A neighbour that doesn’t play the drums (badly) at 4am. A small dog. A job from where he can’t get fired because his employer is a fucking homophobe. Less homophobes in general. To see his mom. An easel, and canvas, and brushes, and paint. Someone to fall asleep with at night. Someone to wake up to in the morning. A phone call. At least a fucking message.
Someone.
Someone like—
No. He doesn’t need anyone.
No one other than himself. He needs to need himself. He needs to learn how to be himself, how to be around himself, how not to run away from himself. It’s hard to be him most of the time. Most of the time, he would rather be someone else. Maybe if he was someone else then—
There’s no way to know. Not knowing is scary, but for Taehyung, knowing is scarier. To know is to confront. He doesn’t know, so he’s not confronting anyone or anything, not even himself.
He reaches up to cup his own jaw, fingers brushing against the stubble. He hasn't looked in the mirror for over a week. If he's being honest, though, it's probably been months. The shaving cream and razor sit idly on the sink.
He guesses he will have to face himself at some point.
Maybe that could be his resolution for 2020.