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Zoro didn’t notice anything was amiss at first. He was too busy being Zoro; training and napping and drinking. He heard the squawks and squabbles of the crew aboard the Thousand Sunny and chose to ignore them, figuring it wasn’t his business. Nobody was dying so he wasn’t interested, and the Strawhat crew was as noisy as usual. It wasn’t enough to get between a man and his nap.
Had he been paying attention from the start, he would have noticed the progression of events unfold that lead to Nami being claimed as the first victim. As it was, he hadn’t.
He missed Usopp excitedly chattering to Nami about the kinds of plants that grow on winter islands and Nami in turn lecturing Luffy on the various traditions tied to plantlife that she read about. Luffy nodded along and pretended to listen. It was evident that the lesson was over when they were close enough to the island’s dock because he jumped off and eagerly began sniffing out their next meal.
As fun as it was seeing the islanders’ disgust watching Luffy fill his guts in the pub and order hot drink after drink, they’d only landed so Usopp could browse the local flora for new seeds to add to his collection. The task was over quickly, and when they headed back to the ship, Zoro saw Luffy run off saying he wanted to get something before they departed. He didn’t think anything of it. All he cared about was that their little adventure on the winter island was over and he got to lay down.
It was around then that it all began. Zoro didn’t see exactly how it went down but he heard all of it from his resting place against the main mast.
Nami’s shrill screech pierced the air, which drew the attention of the shitty, loud and grating cook. This was nothing noteworthy. Nami could be loud when she wanted and the sound of her distress always summoned curly brows.
It became evident that the next victim was Usopp. It seemed Luffy was playing tag with Chopper and Usopp across the lawn and Luffy was it. Usopp was sprinting as fast as he possibly could away from Luffy and yelling, “Cheating! Cheating!”.
Zoro cracked an eye open to see what all the fuss was about. Luffy was all smiles while Usopp was foaming at the mouth, but Chopper was positively gleeful when he was running. Zoro saw something green clutched in Luffy’s fist and was intrigued. Luffy wasn’t one for vegetables or anything that wasn’t meat.
He looked to his side and saw Nami standing nearby, watching the events unfold.
“What the hell is that?” he asked her.
Nami scowled and crossed her arms.
“Mistletoe. Of all things to pay attention to … I didn’t think he was listening when I told him about that.”
Luffy stretched out to swing around the mast, slingshotting himself into Chopper to catch him. They tumbled across the grass and Luffy held the mistletoe above their heads. Only then did Zoro see white berries among the green leaves. Green leaves and white berries, Zoro hums thoughtfully and wonders if they’re good eating. It was unusual to see Luffy clutching what looks to be food that wasn’t some kind of meat but everyone is full of surprises.
“Gotcha!” Luffy said and Chopper held hooves to the sides of his face, pretending to be shocked.
Luffy planted a kiss to the top of Chopper’s head, and his little legs kicked out as he laughed. Luffy plucked a berry from the mistletoe in his hand and tossed it up in an arc, catching it in his mouth. He pulled a face as he chewed but swallowed it down anyway.
As quickly as that was over they both looked to Usopp, who jumped in his skin and began sprinting anew.
Luffy stood and held his hand out. “You have to tag me, I’m going to get Usopp now.”
Chopper tapped his hooves to Luffy’s palm and Luffy took off again.
Usopp wasn’t paying attention to where he was going, which turned out to be his downfall.
He was looking over his shoulder to see where Luffy was when he ran into the solid steel chest of the shipwright. The noise was enough to make Zoro wince in sympathy and Usopp fell back on his ass with a thud and his nose got all bent up in the collision.
Franky helped him up and then held onto his arm, preventing him from escaping.
“Let me go! If he catches me I’ll die,” Usopp whined, pointlessly trying to pull out of Franky’s hold.
“No can do. You’ll be fine.”
Usopp stared at his friend, beyond devastated while still trying to pull free.
“You don’t have to do this.” His tone turned to wheedle but Franky was not persuaded.
“Sorry, bro.” Franky wasn’t sorry at all. “The captain wants you.”
Luffy stretched his arm up so the mistletoe was hanging above their heads and leaned in, kissing the side of Usopp’s face. Usopp went faint in Franky’s arms.
All that fuss because Usopp didn’t want to be kissed?
“Franky, it’s your turn.”
Franky’s kiss went with a minimum of fuss. The mistletoe went up higher still and Luffy stretched his head up, pecking Franky’s cheek. He plucked two berries from the mistletoe and tossed them in his mouth, looking pleased with himself and the progress of his mission.
Franky dropped Usopp and touched his cheek where Luffy kissed him. Usopp fell to the ground again with an undignified oof and pulled himself up, grumbling the entire time. Franky’s eyes misted up and he choked back tears of happiness from his captain’s kiss. Zoro had seen enough.
Luffy moved on from those two, the game of tag forgotten as soon as he spotted his next target.
Robin was relaxing on her lawn chair and reading some kind of book. Zoro couldn't read the title from where he was sitting but it was surely some dense and boring historical tome. Robin looked up when Luffy’s shadow fell over her and smiled. She placed a bookmark to hold her place and closed the book, giving her captain her full attention. Luffy held the mistletoe over Robin’s head.
“It’s your turn!”
“Oh my,” she said, sitting up. Robin tilted her head and let Luffy kiss her cheek, just like that.
“Thank you, captain.”
She didn't tear up like Franky did, but her smile was warm and sincere long after Luffy moved on and she returned to her book.
Nami, Chopper, Usopp, Franky, and now Robin. Luffy was making his way through the whole crew. Zoro had enough rest for the moment and got up, intent on training in the crows nest. Luffy saw him climb up there and Zoro half-expected company during his reps. He was disappointed when Luffy didn't join him.
The sun was starting to set and the day was almost spent, the evening approaching fast and with it, Zoro’s appetite.
Zoro got to witness the most interesting mistletoe-kiss thus far. Sanji left the kitchen for whatever goddamn reason and during that time Luffy laid his trap.
“So, this is what it’s come to.” Sanji’s voice was solemn and the cigarette hanging from his lips moved as he spoke.
Luffy looked at Sanji, the brim of his hat shading his eyes. “This is how it has to be.”
“I thought I could trust you.”
“You made it this way. Step through the door, Sanji.”
There was the sprig of mistletoe hanging from the doorframe. When did Luffy have time to hang that up? The guy sure could be conniving when he wanted to be.
Sanji lowered his stance, hands clenched into fists. In a one on one fight he wouldn’t win but he had to try. Sanji had to get past this obstacle and into the kitchen. Never in his life did he think their own captain would stand between Sanji and his path to the kitchen.
The showdown is interrupted when a sandal booted Sanji’s ass into the doorway. “Hurry up, we’re getting hungry,” came Nami’s irate voice.
Zoro couldn't help but snicker at the undignified noise Sanji made.
Sanji didn't have time to apologise and grovel for upsetting his Nami-chwan because the apology died on his lips when Luffy grabbed his shoulders and pointed upward. They were standing beneath the mistletoe and Sanji was forced to endure the approach of Luffy’s lips.
“No!” He squirmed and tried to wriggle out of Luffy’s iron grip. “Only ladies are allowed to kiss me!”
Luffy ignored him and his lips made contact with his cheek. Sanji shuddered and turned green, his reaction exaggerated. He ran past Luffy as soon as the ordeal was over and Luffy loosened his grip.
Another kiss given, another berry plucked from the mistletoe. Luffy pulled the sprig down from where he’d hung it and pulled a face at the flavour but chewed and swallowed it all the same.
Zoro frowned and started to wonder where his kiss was. Luffy looked right at him and beamed, then set his sights on the dinner table. Food was about to be served.
It’s after their meal that Luffy approached Brook. There weren't many berries left when he held the sprig proudly above Brook’s impressive hair.
“Here we go,” was all he said when he kissed Brook’s cheekbone.
Brook’s brows raised -how is that possible?- and he blushed -no really how is that possible- and when he let out that “yohohoho!” laugh Zoro decided he’s had enough. He left, but the cool evening air didn’t help much. Was he in a bad mood? Yeah, kinda. Was he jealous? No way. Surely not.
Yes. He paced along the grass, wondering why Luffy hadn’t kissed him yet. He heard footsteps and looked up, brightened when he saw Luffy. Luffy called out to him, told him to wait and Zoro went back to frowning. Frowning, because Zoro does not pout. He sat down and kicked at the grass, wishing he thought to bring a bottle out here. This situation sucked.
Zoro waited, scowled and sighed as he watched Luffy walk up to Jinbei.
“It’s a human tradition, and you’re in the crew so it’s your turn,” he told the fishman, and that was enough for Jinbei to stand in place while Luffy reached up with the mistletoe. He kissed Jinbei on the side of his face, near his yellow sideburn, and Jinbei smiled, pleased to be included in the crews activities.
“Thank you captain,” he said, nodding at Luffy and catching Zoro’s eye. He nodded his way as well before leaving.
One more kiss, one more berry. Again, Luffy pulled a face as he ate it and Zoro figured they must be sour or something.
Luffy finally approached Zoro. It was around this point Zoro noticed none of the other crew members are present.
“Hey. Your turn.”
He held out the mistletoe and Zoro took it, turning it over in his hand.
“Only got one berry left. I wanted to save the best for last.” Luffy gestured to the sprig of mistletoe that’d been crushed in Luffy’s grip and dragged around all day. As Luffy said, there was only one berry left and it looked big and juicy.
Luffy folded himself into Zoro’s lap and Zoro pulled him close. He tilted his head and leaned forward, intent on finally getting to kiss Luffy but Luffy shook his head.
“You have to hold it up,” Luffy said against Zoro’s lips. “Above our heads, that’s the tradition.”
“It’s a stupid tradition.”
“You gotta do it.”
Zoro gave in and did as instructed, lifting the mistletoe up with one hand and used the other to wrap around Luffy’s waist.
“Happy?”
“Yeah.”
He was rewarded when Luffy placed both hands on the sides of Zoro’s face and finally, finally pressed their lips together.
The kiss was short and sweet and Zoro melted from it. He was always like this when Luffy was involved. They parted far too quickly and Zoro went in for another one but Luffy pulled away.
“I have to eat the berry now. This is the gross part”
Luffy took the mistletoe back from Zoro and plucked the last berry. He looked at it then put it in his mouth, bit down and chewed with great reluctance.
Chopper interrupted the moment as he ran up to them. Zoro’s first instinct was to pull away from Luffy but no, everyone knew they were together.
“The berries are poisonous,” Chopper looked distressed. “Spit that out!”
“Huh?” Luffy said.
“Those berries you’ve been eating, they’re poisonous! You have to spit that out.” Chopper’s hoof beat against Luffy’s back to emphasise the importance of what he was saying.
Luffy opened his mouth and let the mush of berry slide out right onto his shorts, scraping his tongue for good measure. When his mouth was clean of the poisonous taste and he’d finished retching, he looked at Chopper.
“Oh, is that why my stomach felt funny all day?”
Chopper nodded. “Nami just told me you weren’t supposed to eat them. You only had to take one off for each kiss.”
Zoro burst out laughing. Nami watched Luffy eat mistletoe berries all day and didn’t say a word until Luffy got to the end of his bunch. It’s entirely possible Nami told Luffy the mistletoe was poisonous too, but Luffy didn’t listen to her and now here they were. Luffy had a resistance to poison so he’d be fine. Perhaps that was why Nami never said anything.
“Did Nami tell you to eat the berries?” Zoro asked and Luffy shook his head.
“Well, no, but what else was I supposed to do with them?”
“Idiot!”
“You would have done the same thing!”