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Jisoo is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere, in some country he doesn't recognise, hearing some language he doesn't understand. He's spent eighty per cent of the last two weeks in planes and cars and trains- there's no difference to him any more, they're all metal boxes that take him somewhere new, somewhere different, that make him feel sick.
He gets his feet back on solid ground, but then they're forced to move, his vocal cords are forced to vibrate, his mouth is forced to smile. He is sick of it. He is exhausted and he is sick of it but he can't complain because the twelve other people with him feel the exact same way.
Jisoo is in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. He is perched on the end of his bed, Mingyu is snoring softly somewhere off to his right. His head is in his hands and his heart is racing a mile a minute, along with his brain.
The room is dark but there are stars behind his eyelids. The window is propped open but he's too hot, a sheen of sweat on his forehead. He thought his phone was on silent but it rings out loud and clear into the night.
He scrambles for it. He doesn't remember where he put it down, but he finds it in a matter of moments, turning off the noise then looking over at Mingyu, sighing at the sight of him still fast asleep, hands tucked under his own pillow. Jisoo slumps onto the ground, leaning against the bedframe, tired eyes blinking slowly.
The light from his phone screen is harsh but he unlocks it, finding the text message that had startled him. Hansol's name greets him from the top of the screen, and he even finds himself smiling. It doesn't feel like he's done that in a while, his lips aren't used to the feeling.
vernonie
are you up?
Jisoo is tempted to put his phone back down. He's tempted to switch it off and shove it into the bottom of his suitcase and forget about it until the morning. He's exhausted, he doesn't have the mental capacity to talk, he just wants to be alone in the silence that he has seldom experienced lately.
But this is Hansol. Hansol needs something, needs him, and he can't ignore that. He could never ignore that.
He picks his phone back up from where he had dropped it, switching the screen back on.
josh
yeah
are you okay?
vernonie
can't sleep
had a feeling you couldn't either
do you feel up for a chat?
josh
of course
you're across the hall right?
i'm on my way
Hansol meets him at the door, smiling sheepishly as he closes it softly behind him. "Seokmin-hyung's fast asleep." He says, shaking his hair out of his eyes. He's being drowned by his oversized hoodie and pyjama bottoms, his toes tucked into a pair of fluffy socks. Jisoo is suddenly reminded how young he is, how young they all are.
And yet he can feel his days ticking away like seconds passing on a clock.
"Hyung?" Hansol asks, waving a hand in front of his face. Jisoo pinches the bridge of his nose between a finger and a thumb, lowering his head with a short sigh.
"Sorry, I just- I'm just tired, Hansol, I'm sorry." When he looks back up, Hansol's got a sad look on his face, chewing on his poor lower lip.
"I knew you would have trouble falling asleep. I could see it on your face when you said goodnight." Hansol says, taking one of Jisoo's hands in his and leading him a little way down the corridor. There's a window and a sofa positioned in front of it. Hansol sits and tugs Jisoo down behind him. "I could tell that you were stressed out."
It takes a few seconds for Jisoo to process that Hansol has switched into English. He only really notices because his brain has calmed down a bit, the fuzzy feeling in his ears dulling.
It's cool that he can speak Korean, it's great that he can communicate with his members, but sometimes he just wants English. He just wants to have a conversation without having to translate everything first, without having to check that he's using the right forms of his verbs, the most appropriate formal suffix, that his pronunciation and intonation make sense.
Sometimes he just wants to drop his pronouns or slur his Ts and know that his sentence isn't going to turn into something horrifically embarrassing or offensive. Sometimes, he just wants to understand.
"God, I feel like my brain is melting." Jisoo leans forward, resting his forehead in his palms again, fingers lacing into his hair. He lets out a breath and it sounds worryingly shaky, like his oesophagus has a tremor. "I'm so-" He's surprised when he sounds choked up, even more surprised to see tears splashing onto the carpet between his feet.
"Hyung-" Hansol starts, placing a hand on Jisoo's back and shuffling a little closer. He backs off again when Jisoo snaps, lifting his head and glaring at his dongsaeng, Hansol's hand falling to rest between them.
"No- no Korean, I can't stand it." Hansol's mouth gapes, fumbling for words. Jisoo's stern face relaxes as the guilt sweeps in. He suddenly remembers how much more comfortable Hansol is using Korean, but he won't take it back. It's making his head spin even more than it was in his silent hotel room.
"Okay, no Korean. It's okay." Jisoo sighs, mouth drooping at the corners. He looks down at his own hands, fumbling with the ring on his pinky. "Josh, what's going on?" Hansol is whispering, and Jisoo faintly recalls that it's the middle of the night. Sure, it's dark, but it's dark inside planes and trains and cars as well.
It's Jisoo's turn to be at a loss for words. What is wrong? The prime question.
He's tired, sure. He wants to go home, sure. But they've travelled before. A lot. They've travelled for longer than this, stayed in more hotels than this, but only now he feels overwhelmed. Only now he can't stand the sight of his own suitcase or the jumper Jihoon always insists on wearing when they fly and the photos that Minghao takes when they land in a new city and shows Jisoo proudly.
Maybe it's because he's older. He's more of a homebody than ever, craving his comfortable bed, his warm blanket, two pairs of arms holding him tight. He misses being able to get up in the middle of the night for a cup of tea and having it in his own mug, passing twelve pairs of shoes by the front door.
"I hate this," Jisoo whispers, looking down to ignore the inevitable look of hurt on Hansol's face. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. "All of it. I'm supposed to be enjoying myself but I'm just so tired. Every new hotel, every new plane- I don't want any of it. I just want to be at home-"
He's prepared this time when the tears come. He can feel them building behind his eyelids and the sob growing in his throat. He doesn't even hide this time, he just lets them fall. Hansol takes Jisoo's hands in his and rests his cheek against them, watching Jisoo with the saddest of eyes.
"It's okay." He says, but Jisoo just shakes his head, his breathing getting tangled up around his sobs. "You're not alone in this, Joshua. We're all here with you. You might not be at home but you've still got all of us."
"But I don't. Everyone's different. We don't talk, we just eat and fall into bed and then get up and start working again. Nothing's the same, nothing's-" He has to draw in a gasp, not realising that between talking and crying he hadn't taken the time to breathe. He tries to breathe again, but his chest clenches and it hurts to fight it.
He looks back up at Hansol, who is looking more concerned than ever.
"Joshua?" Jisoo just blinks at him, wheezing. Hansol repeats his name as a sigh, dropping his hands and shuffling closer, instead wrapping one arm around Jisoo's back, free palm splaying across his chest. "Joshua, listen to me, I need you to take slow breaths, alright. You've gotten yourself all worked up, just relax and breathe."
Jisoo tries, he really does, but it's harder than it seems. It's like his lungs are running in reverse, trying to get all of the air out when what he actually needs is to get some in. "I-" Jisoo tries to explain what's happening, but that's all that he can get out before he chokes.
"I know, I know. Josh, it's okay. Just relax, you'll feel so much better, I promise you." Jisoo doesn't know what to do or how to do it but Hansol opens his arms and he instinctively falls into them. Hansol huddles Jisoo against his chest, cheek pressed against his collarbone, rubbing a hand up and down Jisoo's spine. "You're okay, you're alright." He murmurs into Jisoo's hair.
It's suddenly so much easier to focus, now that he's wrapped up in the embrace of one of his closest and dearest friends. Hansol is right, no matter how out of sorts or overwhelmed he is feeling, he always has this. He always has his boys, ready and waiting to comfort him.
Jisoo's body goes lax as his heart rate slows down, drawing deep breaths in now that his lungs are allowing him to. Hansol keeps him close, pressing a kiss against the crown of his head. He leans back against the back of the sofa, bringing Jisoo with him to rest on his chest.
"I'm sorry." Jisoo murmurs, his voice rough and tired. Hansol lays a hand on the back of his head, stroking gently. "I must sound so ungrateful."
"You have nothing to apologise for. We all hate it sometimes." Hansol replies, wrapping an arm around Jisoo's lower back to pull him closer. "You're stressed out and you're exhausted and you want to go home. That's all understandable. I feel it too. This tour has been really hard." Jisoo nods, nuzzling his cheek against Hansol's chest.
Jisoo is quiet for a moment, frowning down at the fabric beneath him. He's only just noticing which hoodie Hansol is wearing. It's navy blue and massive, Jisoo knows that it's fleecy on the inside. It's the one Hansol always asks for when he's feeling anxious.
"Sol?" Jisoo asks, and Hansol hums. "Why couldn't you sleep?" Hansol is unfazed by the switch back to Korean- if anything, he's relieved.
"I've been a bit- on edge. All day. Today, there were- so many people. By the time I lay down for bed, I couldn't switch my brain off. It didn't help that everyone's been stressed out. I knew that a lot of you were hurting, and that made me sad." Jisoo sighs, sitting up and taking Hansol's face in his hands.
"I didn't even notice. I should have. You deserve more than that, I'm sorry I've not been looking after you." Jisoo feels the burn of tears again, but it's not for himself this time. He's supposed to be Hansol's big brother, and yet he was left sitting anxious and alone in his room. His text to Jisoo was probably a distress call of his own, but Jisoo hijacked the whole thing in favour of throwing a pity party for himself.
"Please don't apologise, hyung." Hansol replies, tilting his head to press his cheek against Jisoo's warm palm. Jisoo runs the fingers of his other hand through Hansol's mop of hair, messy curls winding around his knuckles. "None of us are feeling right, I'm not the only one. I feel better now that you're feeling better. I promise."
Jisoo wants to argue more, to convince Hansol that he will always put his feelings above his own, but he knows that that's the wrong thing to say. All of their feelings are valid and important. When Hansol sacrifices his own sanity to comfort Junhui, or Chan, or Seungkwan, or anyone else, Jisoo is always the first one to remind him of that. He has no right to change the rules for himself.
"Thank you, Hansol. You're the best little brother I could ask for." Hansol grins, the adorable, silly, gummy smile that Jisoo adores so much.
"Don't let Seungkwan hear you saying that." Jisoo presses a lingering kiss to Hansol's forehead, pulling back to watch Hansol's face as he blinks slowly, eyes tired. "Hyung, can I sleep with you tonight?" Hansol asks, his lilting voice betraying his exhaustion.
"Of course you can. Will Seokmin be okay on his own?" Hansol frowns at this, chewing on his lip as he thinks.
Hansol ends up crouched down in front of Seokmin, caressing a hand across his cheek to gently wake him. "Hyung. Hyung, wake up for a second." Seokmin peels one eye open, peering down at Hansol with a pout on his lips.
He must notice the way the corners of Hansol's mouth are turned down, because he pushes himself up onto an elbow and asks, "are you alright, Sollie?"
"I'm fine, hyung. I'm just- I'm gonna go cuddle with Jisoo-hyung. Do you want to come with? I don't like the idea of you in here on your own." Seokmin sighs softly, rubbing at his bleary eyes as he thinks. Eventually, he nods, sitting up properly and grabbing his blanket. Hansol pushes his slippers onto his feet for him.
Seokmin is quick to roll into Mingyu's bed, sprawling himself across the younger and burying his face in Mingyu's neck before promptly passing out. Mingyu only grumbles for a second, but he doesn't wake up. Jisoo and Hansol smile at them from where they're curled up in Jisoo's bed, Hansol's arms wrapped around his hyung's waist.
"You know you can always talk to me, right?" Hansol whispers as soon as Seokmin and Mingyu are fast off. Jisoo strokes a hand over Hansol's arm, fingers settling around his wrist.
"Yeah. It's difficult when I know that we're all having a hard time, but I trust you Hansol." Jisoo can feel Hansol's lips pulling into a smile against the skin of his neck. "And you can trust me. I'm sorry that I haven't been much help recently, but I'm always here for you."
"I know, hyung."