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Dex hasn’t sent any photos of his dog.
It’s Christmas Eve and Dex has not sent any photos of his dog.
He still texts the group chats and even sends snaps of himself watching Netflix or whatever, but no dog pictures? Seriously?
Nursey finds himself scrolling through his text messages with Dex to see if he said something about his dog passing away, and—nope. Nothing. Obviously Nursey would have remembered something like that, seeing as Nursey’s always wanted a dog and lives vicariously through Dex whenever he’s home. Dex’s dog must be fine. Dex sent hundreds of photos during Thanksgiving and he was only home for two days then. Now he’s been home almost four and no dog.
Nursey
hey
wyd
i miss you
Dex
Ew shut up
Nursey laughs and stretches back in his bed. He does miss Dex, is the thing. Like a stupid amount. He misses seeing him bleary eyed in the morning before practice and he misses the soft sound of Dex typing code while Nursey works his way through a thick text and he misses the way that Dex would smile at him in the middle of the afternoon in the kitchen, tired from early classes but happy from the sunshine, like it was a gift just for Nursey to see.
Dex
I’m on season 4 of Bojack leave me alone
Nursey glances out of his open door to the hallway. It's early afternoon but he can hear his parents in the kitchen already preparing for dinner, quiet sounds of comfort as they laugh and linger in one another’s presence, and wonders if Dex’s home is like this too.
Nursey
are you guys gonna like ….
go look at lights or somethin
do u guys have traditions
Dex
My mom’ll place the baby jesus out at midnight
Thus ends my family traditions
Nursey
awwww
no like, one present on christmas eve?
or drinking cocoa together?
or watching some lame christmas movie?
Dex
No
Nursey
that’s sad
Dex
It’s not sad
We have baby Jesus what else do we need
Nursey’s dialing Dex before he can stop to think and a moment later, Dex answers with a sigh. “What, Derek?”
“Let’s start our own Christmas tradition,” Nursey says with a smile.
He can practically feel Dex roll his eyes. “Like what?”
“Like, everyone in the Haus should decorate cookies together, or something.”
“Oh, like a Haus tradition,” Dex murmurs. “Yeah, that’d be fun.”
“You want to do something just me and you?” Nursey chirps. “Hmm.” He knows he has to be quick to fill in the silence when on the phone with Dex or he’ll hurry to end it. Nursey’s very skilled in keeping Dex on the phone. “Well see I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who goes around and looks at lights but I’ve never had anyone to do that with. No one ever wants to go. And I mean—some of the houses on our street this year are insane, we should definitely go and see before people start taking things down.”
Dex is quiet but he says, “That sounds nice.”
Nursey hums. “What are your plans for tomorrow?” he asks.
“Nothing special,” Dex tells him. “Mass, breakfast, presents.”
Nursey wrinkles his nose. “Mass,” he echoes.
“Yeah,” Dex exhales. “It’s shit but whatever. Have to do it.”
Before Nursey can respond about how angry that makes him, that Dex has to go to Mass with his family even though his church is openly homophobic and Dex has expressed his discomfort for it many times, Nursey hears something that sounds suspiciously like the pipes in the Haus. They’re always louder for Dex because he’s in the basement where they creak and they have a very distinct clunking sound that wakes Nursey up if the Haus is too quiet. And then the sound that follows makes his stomach drop—the sound of Dex banging his fist into the wall to shut the pipes up when they get like that. Nursey’s woken up to that sound once or twice too, sound carrying when everyone else is asleep, or having watched Dex do it as the Frogs crammed together in Dex’s tiny basement hut.
“Dex?” Nursey asks.
“Hey, sorry, that’s my brother,” Dex mutters, voice rushed. “I’ve got to go. Merry Christmas, Nursey.”
“Yeah, merry Chri—“
Dex hangs up before Nursey can get it all out.
Something’s wrong.
Something is wrong and Nursey can feel it in his gut. He sits up in bed and opens Dex’s Instagram but he hasn’t posted anything since before Thanksgiving. When that turns up nothing he opens Snapchat, and again no stories for Nursey to compare against. If Dex had an iPhone he might’ve been able to use Find My Friends, but the Snap Map is all he can try.
No dice.
Nursey thinks for a second before opening up his Netflix account. He should really just ask Dex what’s going on, because it seriously might not be anything, but Nursey can feel something settling in the base of his throat. It’s a dick move but he clicks through to log out of all devices anyway.
When nothing immediately happens, Nursey exhales.
He’s overreacting.
Nursey pushes himself out of bed and makes his way toward the kitchen where his parents are still cooking. He settles down at the island with his phone and just enjoys being with them, taking in the smells of the food and the joy in their smiles. But it doesn’t last long.
New Email Alert
Netflix: New sign-in to your account
Nursey lifts his phone in a rush and scans the email until he reads Location: Samwell, Massachusetts, and his heart drops.
Dex didn’t immediately realize that he wasn’t being invited home for Christmas.
He came out to his family right before the start of the school year and while it didn’t go great it wasn’t a total shit show either. Mostly it became irrelevant after a couple of weeks because Dex had left for Samwell again. His brother would still Snapchat him, his mom would text weekly to see how he was doing. Being gay didn’t seem to be much of an issue.
But then Thanksgiving crept up and it was Dex’s first time actually home since he was openly out. Dex went with his family to his grandparents’ place and they all didn’t say the things that they really wanted to say while giving Dex glances he pretended weren’t important but it was fine.
In the small quarters of his own home, it didn’t feel different. Only when they were together with everyone else. His brother didn’t treat him any differently, and neither did his father, who was already kind of emotionally estranged.
So he went back to the Haus once the break was over and didn’t hear from his family and then a week before he was supposed to make the drive he’s on the phone with his mom and she says, “Have you figured out what you’re doing for Christmas?”
To which Dex responded, “I figure you’ll drag me along to Mass with Grammy like always.”
And she sighed before murmuring, “Will.”
With finals, he didn’t have time to really think about it. It’s a long break, she’d said. Your dad and I were talking. It was easy not to think about Christmas when he had to think about school. But it’s Christmas, he’d said slowly, and she said nothing. And he couldn’t think about it.
But it’s Christmas Eve now and he can’t not think about it.
He’s not going to be home for Christmas. For the first time. It’s lonelier than he’d expected it would be.
He’s not really alone in the Haus for a while. Ollie leaves two days before Christmas Eve because he lives nearby and he tells Dex that both he and Wicks will be back before the New Year. And he doesn’t mind being alone in the Haus.
Dex likes to be alone, really. The Haus, even though it’s big, has become incredibly homey in the past year thanks to Bitty. It creaks a little when it gets too cold but that’s the pipes, not the ghosts, and there’s no chance of anyone walking in on him mostly naked, so it’s not so bad.
But it’s still alone.
Dex is half-asleep on the couch when the front door of the Haus opens.
It’s because he’s half-asleep that it takes him a moment to remember he should not be hearing the door to the Haus open on Christmas Eve, especially at this hour, but it’s too late by the time he realizes this.
“Dex?”
He hears Nursey before he sees him. Dex sits up in a rush, his blanket mostly falling off of him as he tries to gain some control of his now rapidly beating heart, before he spots him. Nursey’s in the doorway, his eyebrows furrowed together and his lips parted in surprise and Dex has no idea why seeing his friend like this hurts so much.
They look at each other for a long time, the Christmas movie Dex put on to kill the time quietly chugging along in the background.
“What are you doing here?” Dex finally rasps.
Nursey blinks a few times before shaking his head. “I left a present here by mistake,” he says slowly, but he doesn’t move. “Why aren’t you in Maine?”
“You came all the way back to the Haus on Christmas Eve to get a singular present?” Dex snaps, defensive. That’s like a four hour drive for no fucking reason.
Nursey grows defensive too. “Yes,” he says firmly. “Your turn.”
“My turn?” Dex echoes incredulously. He fumbles with the remote for the TV before pausing it and the actual silence that stretches between them is louder than Dex realized it would be. “My turn what?”
Nursey huffs. “Why are you here?” he asks again, sounding angry. Dex doesn’t know how to answer him. “Why aren’t you at home?” he pushes. “Why did you lie to me?”
Sitting on the small, gross couch, Dex feels smaller than he has in a long time. “Nursey…”
Nursey exhales shortly before turning and marching for the stairs without another word. He takes them two at a time, leaving Dex on the couch in silence. Dex considers pressing play on his movie again but finds that he can’t think very well, let alone force his hands to move. Only moments pass before Nursey’s bounding down the stairs again and in his hands is the present he came for, a small box that’s already been wrapped in shiny green wrapping paper.
He lingers at the base of the stairs, looking at Dex.
“Pack a bag,” Nursey finally says.
Dex frowns at him. “What?”
“You’re not staying here by yourself, it’s Christmas. Pack a bag, let’s go.”
Dex isn’t moving. He wants to shout but it gets lodged in his throat. Instead he simply says, “No.”
Nursey doesn’t hesitate. He lowers himself to the stairs and sets the present aside so he can start unlacing his boots. “Okay, then I’m staying here.”
Dex really does shove the blanket off of him this time. He stands from the couch and stumbles in Nursey’s direction, shaking his head. “No you’re not staying here,” Dex says. “Jesus Christ, Derek, go home.”
“I am home,” he says, one boot finally removed. He drops it beside him loudly like he's trying to make a point. “Lest you forget this is my Haus too.”
“Your family’s in New York,” Dex grits. Nursey makes eye-contact with him as he continues to unlace his other boot.
“You’re supposed to be in Maine.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“Why are you here?” Nursey asks again. Still, Dex can’t answer him. He turns away from his friend to look around the quiet, empty Haus, and tries to ignore the fractures that have splintered in his heart. When he looks back to Nursey he’s paused, shoe still on but unlaced, and there’s something in his eyes that’s just as awful as Dex feels. “Either I’m staying here,” Nursey says firmly, still not backing down, “or you’re coming home with me, so make your choice.”
Dex looks down to Nursey’s shoes, eyes darting over to the present that he’s carried downstairs. He winds his arms around himself as though that will help comfort him.
“Put your other shoe back on,” Dex mutters, turning away from Nursey and heading toward the steps to the basement.
“Will—”
“I’ll pack a bag,” he calls over his shoulder.
Dex takes the stairs to the basement quickly and closes himself in his tiny room before taking a deep breath. This was not supposed to happen.
He had it all worked out. He had the stories he would tell people, the excuses all lined up. No one was even supposed to know that Dex wouldn’t be going home, let alone Nursey of all people. Who the hell drives four hours, probably more with traffic, just to get a singular present? Some sort of asshole?
Dex takes another steadying breath before quickly packing a bag. He has no idea what he needs, really, but is thankful he spent his morning doing laundry so all of his clothes are clean. Enough underwear for a few days, some socks, a few outfits to rotate through.
At the last minute Dex ducks under his bed and grabs the present that he bought for Nursey. They did a team Secret Snowflake but Dex had gotten some things for some of his closer friends as well. He snuck Chowder’s into his suitcase before his flight home and left Bitty’s new cooking equipment wrapped in the kitchen for his return. He hadn’t figured out when to give Nursey his so he still had it, kept hidden and waiting to be unwrapped.
When he makes his way back upstairs, Nursey’s got both of his boots on. He’s also turned off the television and is already by the tree preparing to unplug the lights.
Dex lingers by the top of the stairs to the basement.
He’s going home with Nursey for Christmas.
Nursey knows he keeps looking at Dex like he can’t believe he’s really here, but it’s because he still can’t believe he’s really here.
He has to stop himself from staring, knowing the look on his face would do nothing but make Dex feel more broken and pitied than before, though that isn’t what Nursey’s going for. He just doesn’t understand. He wants answers that Dex, gazing out the passenger seat window, has yet to give. Nursey makes the choice not to ask again.
But they’re halfway into the drive, stuck in some shitty traffic, when Dex finally says, “They told me not to come.” When Nursey turns to his friend, Dex’s face is illuminated with red. They’re at a standstill and the car is lit up from the brake lights of others. “My parents,” he adds quietly. “They said they didn’t think it was a good idea.”
Nursey grips the steering wheel to keep from reacting. Something inside of him breaks, but with that feeling comes anger that is overwhelming. He’d thought maybe that would be the case, seeing as Dex loved his family and wouldn’t willingly choose to spend the holiday from them, but to hear it confirmed almost makes Nursey start shaking.
“You went home for Thanksgiving though and it was fine?”
Dex nods, eyebrows furrowing. “Yeah,” he rasps. “I don’t know what happened. I thought…” Nursey wants to reach out for him, to gather Dex in his arms or hold tightly to his hands or something so he knows that he’s not alone in this. “But it’s fine,” he whispers, shaking his head. “It happens. I wasn’t going to say anything.”
This makes Nursey angry too. “Why?”
“Why?” Dex shoots back. His soft, sad voice has grown sharp again. “C’mon, Nurse. Fuck’s sake.”
“You weren’t going to say anything to anyone?” Nursey pushes.
“What’s there to say?” Dex snaps. “Hey everyone, my parents think being gay is a sin and thought it would be better for the whole family if I just disappeared! Merry Christmas!”
“Jesus, Dex,” Nursey exhales. “You could’ve told me.”
Dex turns, back to looking out the window. “Wouldn’t have made a difference.”
“The difference,” Nursey says, trying to remain as even as possible, “is that you could have been home with me and my family instead.”
“And look,” Dex mutters, gesturing. “Here I go anyway.”
Nursey adjusts his grip on the steering wheel. He’s really angry but not actually at Dex, and he doesn’t want to fight.
“I’m sorry, Dex,” he settles with. “That they—”
“It’s fine.”
“Okay, well,” Nursey still wants to say it. “I’m sorry that they’re shit. It’s not right, and it’s not okay. And I hate that you feel like you couldn’t tell anyone.” Dex stays quiet beside him. They inch along the freeway slowly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Nursey exhales deeply but nods.
They’ve barely moved a few hundred feet when Dex says, “Thank you. For saying it’s not right, I mean…” he trails off and shakes his head, keeping his gaze out the window. “I know it’s not right, what they did. But sometimes you need to hear it from someone else.”
“Yeah,” Nursey agrees. “For sure, man. You know, everyone would have your back.”
“I know,” Dex whispers. “I know, but I can’t… I mean I’m not…” he’s still shaking his head, slower now. “I don’t know how to tell that to people. I’m not ready to have to do that.”
Nursey’s family is delightful.
Dex has met his parents a few times before. Tonight it’s almost like they’ve been prepped on what to say. They get in closer to 11 and neither of them even look slightly upset that another person has manifested on Nursey's trip. They heat up dinner that must've been finished forever ago so all four of them can eat together. None of the questions they ask make Dex think about home, and none of them are wondering why he's here. All of their inquiries are based in genuine interest. Hobbies, what he’s studying, what his classes are like.
Dex is grateful, and the meal is delicious, but he’s exhausted. After helping move dishes to the kitchen, Nursey leads Dex down the hall to the guest room. It’s full of knick knacks from the Nurse’s travels, all displayed on bookshelves and through art on the walls.
It definitely feels like a guest room, but it’s also kind of homey.
“I need to sleep,” Dex says when Nursey lingers in the doorway.
“I know.” He hesitates. “I’m down the hall if you need anything. We'll probably be out watching TV for a little bit.”
“Thanks, Nursey.”
Nursey hesitates again but eventually says goodnight, leaving Dex alone.
He takes his time getting ready for bed. Slowly he pulls on his favorite plaid pajamas, dark green, flannel. They’re not Christmas-y exactly but give him an added layer of comfort that reminds him of home. Even though he could ask to watch something with Nursey, Dex pulls out his laptop and queues up a Christmas movie on his own instead.
When he starts feeling sleepy he tiptoes out to find a bathroom so he can wash his face and brush his teeth, but after that he’s back in bed with his laptop by his side.
When he wakes in the morning, he doesn’t know what to expect.
This is his first Christmas from home.
The Christmas joy he felt as a child has been missing for years, but he’s always loved getting into the holiday spirit. This year finals had been more important than anything else, and even though the Haus decorated it still didn’t really feel like Christmas. He’d been looking forward to going home and baking with his cousins, trading presents with his family. Those things are what made the holiday feel more real.
But then the not going home thing happened, and Dex was almost afraid of the actual day.
He lays in bed for a while after he wakes up but Nursey’s house isn’t actually eerily quiet or anything. He hears sounds from the kitchen that must mean breakfast is being prepared. His stomach rumbles and Dex decides to investigate.
In the kitchen it’s just Nursey’s mom. She’s brewing coffee and beginning on pancakes.
“Merry Christmas,” she greets with a smile.
“Merry Christmas,” Dex responds warmly. “Do you need help with anything?”
She fixes him a cup of coffee and shoos him to the island to sit instead. Nursey stumbles out eventually and when his dad joins, all four of them eat pancakes at the table together.
There’s already Christmas music playing somewhere and it’s sunny today which definitely helps it to feel more like a holiday. There’s laughter and good will and Dex isn’t actually thinking about his family as much as he expects himself to.
At least he doesn’t have to go to Mass, or listen to his grandfather spew racist bullshit for the hell of it.
The Nurse’s don’t really have plans. They’ll do morning present time at the tree and dinner that night but most of their family celebrations were before Christmas, so the day gets to be spent at home. For that, Dex is relieved. At least he doesn’t feel too much like an intruder.
He’s about to resign himself to the guest room again to give them space for just the three of them when Nursey’s mom beckons for him.
“Well wouldn’t you know,” Nursey’s dad says as Dex arrives. “Looks like there’s an extra stocking up there this morning, huh?”
Dex blinks, following his gaze to the stocking. It wasn’t on the fireplace the night before, he’s sure of it.
“I…” Dex doesn’t understand. Nursey’s mom takes it down and crosses the room, handing it to him with a gentle smile. It matches his pajamas, plaid and green, and there's a red W on the front of it. The stocking is stuffed with small hand wrapped gifts, all different wrapping paper. "This is for me?"
"Everyone should have something to open on Christmas," Nursey's mom says. Dex looks to Nursey, who looks nervous. But he shouldn't be nervous. Dex is overwhelmed.
“I don’t know what to say.” He turns to Nursey’s parents as he suddenly struggles to fight off his tears. “Thank you.” Dex knows he’s going to cry and he can’t do it with all of them looking at him. "I just need a minute." He excuses himself to the bathroom and nearly trips over himself to get there, falling to pieces the moment the door’s shut.
He hadn’t expected anything for Christmas this year, let alone a whole stocking. It doesn’t even matter what’s inside of it, just having something to unwrap—no, having people who want him there to unwrap it! He didn’t know that it would feel like this.
Dex closes the toilet seat and sits on the lid, allowing himself a few minutes to just cry. Thank god they let him, no one knocking to make sure he’s okay. He splashes water on his face and—fuck it, they all already must know he’s been crying, so it doesn’t matter that his eyes are red.
When he returns to the living room he settles down next to Nursey and squeezes his knee before they can even trade looks. He needs Nursey to know that he’s grateful over everything before any doubt can creep in.
There’s festive music in the background and the fireplace is blazing and it’s not home but it feels homey. They don’t have too many presents to unwrap themselves so Dex doesn’t feel strange unwrapping his new gifts either. They’re small but useful things and Dex still doesn’t know when they must’ve gotten them. Some floss, a candle. Typical stocking stuffers.
It means more than he’ll ever be able to say.
It’s almost dinner when Nursey suddenly pauses the movie that they’ve been watching. Dex turns to him with a frown but Nursey’s still looking at the screen, hesitant.
“There’s more,” Nursey says.
“More what?”
He hurries out of the room without looking at Dex and when he returns he has a present in his hand. A small box. He’s seen this present before.
Nursey settles back down on the couch by Dex’s side, closer than before, and holds the present gingerly between his hands. “This is for you,” Nursey says.
Dex slowly starts to shake his head, confused. “What do you mean?”
Nursey shakes his head too. “What do you mean?”
“This is the present you went back for,” Dex says slowly. He watched Nursey return from his room with it, shiny and green, impeccably wrapped. “I thought you said it was for your family.”
“I didn’t,” Nursey returns. I left a present here by mistake, was what he’d actually said.
Dex’s eyes dart back down to the package. His lips part. “But then that means…” he trails off, confused, feeling like he’s just gotten his breath knocked out of him. When he looks up again he finds Nursey looking at the ground. It’s not possible. “You knew I was at the Haus?” Dex whispers.
Nursey still isn’t looking at him when he says, “You hadn’t sent any pictures of Goose.” Fuck, Dex misses his dog. His whole chest restricts at Goose’s name. “And then I heard the pipes,” Nursey elaborates quietly. “I thought maybe I was overreacting but something didn’t feel right so I…” he exhales again. “I logged out of my Netflix account so you would have to log back in.”
It takes Dex a moment to realize why this is important. “So when I did the location would tell you where I was,” he responds.
Nursey nods, eyes still on the ground. “Yeah.”
Dex’s heart is pounding in his chest. It’s genius, really. “And then you came for me?”
Finally Nursey looks up and when Dex meets his eyes, he sees Derek Nurse at the most vulnerable he’s ever been.
“And then I came for you,” Nursey confirms.
Dex looks back down at the present and feels like he’s already been gifted a piece of Nursey’s heart.
Nursey’s not supposed to care about him this much. Never in a million years would Dex expect it, or be so grateful for it, or even expect that he could be so hopeful that this care, that this action, could mean something more.
“I brought your gift too,” Dex says. He doesn’t know what else to say. The moment is too large for him to fit into it properly.
Nursey finally breaks their eye contact, looking down at the space between them with a soft smile. “Really?”
Dex stands to get the gift. He needs to be out of Nursey’s immediate presence for a moment and he’s thankful that it’s tucked away in the guest room.
Nursey came for him. He knew that something was wrong and he came to get Dex without Dex even saying a thing. Dex isn’t sure that anyone has ever cared for him the way that Nursey’s just shown he cares about Dex. His own family abandoned him and Nursey sat through hours of Christmas Eve traffic just to make sure that Dex knew he wasn’t alone.
He’s nearly trembling by the time he’s holding Nursey’s gift.
What’s he supposed to do with a love like that? Dex doesn’t know how to love like that.
He collects himself with two deep breaths and returns to Nursey hoping that his skin isn’t as flushed as it feels. Nursey smiles at him as he enters, still warm like the embers on a fireplace. Dex settles on the couch beside him and presents the gift with surprisingly steady hands.
“It’s not much,” Dex says as they trade.
Still, Nursey’s beaming. “I kept the Snowflake limit,” he promises. Nursey unwraps his first and his smile never wavers. Dex knew that Nursey wanted to start journaling in the new year and had found a nice one at the local bookstore. “This is perfect,” he tells him.
“Have you gotten one yet?” Dex asks.
Nursey shakes his head. “No, not yet.” He looks back up to Dex and Dex can see it in Nursey’s eyes. “Thank you,” he whispers.
Dex hesitates, suddenly afraid to open the present that Nursey’s given. He already knows that it’s going to be too thoughtful. Then what happens?
“Being here is enough,” Dex rasps. Nursey’s parents had already somehow given him a magical morning; he can’t be sure what another gift will do to his already fragile heart.
Nursey chuckles, low and sweet. “You still have to open the present, Poindexter.”
“Nurse…” he trails off. He wants to look up but he can’t. His heart feels too heavy. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You haven’t even opened it yet.” Slowly Dex tears open the paper. Inside of the small nicely wrapped box is a framed photo of the Frogs, him and Nursey and Chowder, candid. All of them with a smile, mid-laugh. “Ransom look it last spring,” Nursey tells him. “It’s my favorite photo of us so far.”
All three of them look beautiful. Unaware of the camera. Wrapped in the soft afternoon sunlight by the lake.
His two favorite people. His family.
Dex’s chest feels tight. “Thanks, Derek,” he exhales. “It’s nice.”
“I hope you have space for it?” he wonders. “In your little—”
“Yeah,” Dex stops him with a small laugh. If he doesn’t he knows Nursey’ll dive headfirst into ranting about how their room is actually upstairs and Nursey knows there’s plenty of wall space so why not just come back up from the basement, Dex. “I’ll find a spot for it.”
Before they can really get into it Nursey’s mom sticks her head in to say that dinner’s ready. Dex moves to stand and Nursey does the same, quickly, moving so Dex can’t leave the room.
“Are you mad?” Nursey asks. “About…”
How could Dex be mad at Nursey for what he did? He almost wants to be. It would be easier. But he can’t, he can’t.
“No, Derek,” Dex says softly. “I’m not mad.”
Nursey doesn’t really look like he believes him, but they head off to dinner together without another word.
Dex doesn’t retreat to his room right away that night. He and Nursey end up side by side on the couch again to watch another movie, the fireplace happily warming them as they struggle not to doze off after large cups of hot chocolate.
Thank you, Dex wants to say. He thinks it, again and again and again. Like if he thinks it enough then maybe Nursey will hear him. They told me I didn’t deserve anything and still you came for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The holiday haze where time ceases to exist follows them to Nursey’s. Even though it’s the day after Christmas when they start talking about their trek back to the Haus, it feels like so much more time has passed.
“What was your plan?” Dex asks from behind his morning mug of coffee. They’re alone in the house, both of Nursey’s parents back to work.
Nursey shrugs. “Probably head back before the new year. Traffic is always going to suck but I’d rather celebrate there than here.”
Dex hesitates. “I told Ollie I’d be there when he got back on the 28th.”
He doesn’t want to have to explain anything to his roommates yet. Whether they’ll even inquire or not doesn’t matter, Dex doesn’t want to risk it. Thankfully Nursey understands what he’s saying.
“We could head back the 27th.” He thinks. “That’s tomorrow—for sure we can do that.”
“I’ll chip in for gas.”
“Not necessary.”
Before they leave Dex writes Nursey’s parents a thank-you note and leaves it on their kitchen counter. He hugs both of them goodbye with his eyes shut tight, trying not to pretend like they’re his own parents.
Dex spends most of the next few days of his break in the kitchen baking.
They’re planning on limiting Bitty’s oven access soon and someone’s going to have to step in with the sweets once he graduates anyway. He’s nowhere near Bitty’s level but to be fair, perfection is hard to top. Still, Dex bakes cookies, tries a few pies. Anything to keep him out of his room and keep his mind busy.
When he hears the upstairs door creak that means Nursey’s coming down, he darts away. Laundry, sometimes, or just out for a walk. It’s childish but he doesn’t care because he doesn’t want to deal with the confrontation he knows they have to have.
When Ollie and Wicks get back they take down all of the mistletoe that had been randomly strewn about the Haus and Dex is incredibly thankful. Both that he doesn’t have to be the one to do it himself but also that he doesn’t even have to ask anyone.
Then on New Year’s Eve, Nursey’s waiting for him in the kitchen.
He’s already made coffee and has a mug in his hands where he sits at the table.
“Morning,” Dex greets, gruff.
“Wanna do something tonight?” Nursey asks. “Wicky said they’re going to the volleyball house. Asked if we wanted in.”
“Farms gonna be there?”
“No she’s out in Frisco with C. But I don’t think that means we can’t go to the volleyball house.”
Dex pours himself a mug of coffee and nods. “Sure.”
“We could walk the neighborhood before,” Nursey adds as Dex mixes in a dash of half and half. He turns to look over his shoulder but when he finds Nursey’s eyes they shoot the other direction. “To see some lights.”
Dex almost drops his mug. The conversation feels like it was lifetimes ago but it really wasn’t. A tease about traditions.
“You don’t need to…” Dex starts, but Nursey makes a disgruntled noise.
“Don’t,” Nursey stops him. “We don’t have to. But I’d want to. If you do.”
Nursey doesn’t need to build traditions with him now that his family’s laid him flat on his ass. But if he thinks hard enough, Dex knows that conversation of building something together came before Nursey knew Dex hadn’t gone home. It wasn’t something that came out of pity, it was something he’d already wanted.
“Are there even enough people around turning their lights on?” Dex asks.
Nursey nods. “Yeah, I think so. The volleyball house has a few different routes we could take.”
Dex takes a slow drink of his coffee. He was never hooked on any of his family traditions, really, but he’s not opposed to having something to do with someone. A routine that’s more of a promise of joy than anything else.
“Okay,” Dex says.
“You’ve been baking a lot,” Nursey points out. Dex wants to retreat back to his room with his mug but he knows he’s been avoiding Nursey, and truthfully, he’s missed him. Instead he leans back against the counter so he can look at Nursey without getting too close. “Bitty’ll be proud.”
“Or betrayed,” Dex mutters, which makes Nursey smile. “Cooking’s easier. Baking is science.”
“You’re good at science.”
“Computer science. Not the same thing.” Nursey props himself up on his elbow to make it easier to gaze in Dex’s direction. “I see you’ve been helping yourself to the cookies.” The large platter has slowly been dwindling. “How are they?”
“Well if they were bad I wouldn’t eat them.”
“That’s not true,” Dex says. “You eat anything.”
“Okay fine,” Nursey agrees. “But they’re good. Promise.” Dex takes a drink of his coffee. “Want to go to the lake today?” Nursey asks.
Dex shrugs. “Sure, maybe.”
“Maybe, or sure?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well do you have plans?” Nursey asks, and Dex shrugs again. He knows it’s not an answer and he’s maybe being a little bit of a dick but he’s still not sure how to be around Nursey now. “Just let me know,” Nursey tells him before collecting his coffee.
He leaves Dex in the kitchen without another word.
They do end up at the lake, Ollie and Wicky too. Dex is thankful for the buffer and it doesn’t really seem like Nursey actually minds.
Wicks produces a blunt with a grin and promises more for later, to which Ollie fist-bumps. It’s cold but no one’s really around for the holiday and the sun gives enough warmth to really stave off the chill. At least there isn't any wind.
Thankfully they don’t end up talking about Christmas. Dex isn’t sure what he’d end up saying. Instead Nursey asks about the upcoming year, and Ollie shares that they already have plans to move in together after graduating. They’re looking for a place closer to Ollie’s family because Wicks isn’t as close with his.
“You two have any plans for after graduation yet?” Ollie tosses back as he passes the blunt around the circle.
Dex looks to Nursey and finds Nursey looking to him.
“I could go anywhere,” Nursey answers. “No plan yet though.”
“Same,” Dex murmurs. “That’s so far away.”
“It’ll be here before you know it,” Wicks tells him.
Some time passes and Dex lets his high settle in. It’s the last day of the year. He’s spending it with friends by the lake smoking weed, and later he’ll still be with friends as he welcomes the new year. It’s good. It’s not what he’d expected, but it’s still good.
This is when Nursey says, “Let’s jump in.”
Ollie laughs. “What, bro, in the lake?”
“You’re crazy,” says Dex.
“It’s cleansing,” Nursey insists as he turns to Dex. It’s the first time Nursey’s touched him in days and it isn’t enough, his hand on Dex’s shoulder, fingertips grazing his bare neck. “We’ll detox from the shit of this year and prepare for the new year,” he carries on, bright.
There's a long stretch of silence before Wicks says, “I’m in."
“Fuck it, me too,” Ollie agrees.
Nursey pouts in Dex’s direction. “You can’t be the only one who doesn’t jump in the lake, Dexy.”
“This is honest to God peer pressure,” Dex says, finally shrugging off Nursey’s hand. Nursey’s pout intensifies. “We didn’t bring any towels or anything!”
“Even better,” Ollie says wickedly.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. “Fine,” Dex settles, unzipping his jacket immediately. If he’s going to do this he can’t think too hard about it. The others grin, Nursey widest of all. “We all know I’ve got shit to detox anyway so fine. It’s been a hell of a year. Let’s fucking do it.”
Wicks cheers, “Hell yeah!”
They all start struggling out of their clothes, kicking off their boots. Dex is thankful that the early snow that came a few weeks ago hasn’t lingered. It’s still biting outside, the chill not bothering to wait even a moment to crawl into Dex’s skin. He doesn’t remember the last time he jumped into a large, cold body of water but it had to have been with his brother, or his cousins.
It’s cleansing, Dex thinks.
Once they’re all down in their boxers they rush to the edge of the lake and Dex is already shivering. His pale skin is covered in goosebumps but with every shake comes a small ripple of excitement.
When his smile comes, it’s unexpected but welcome. “Should we say something?” Dex asks. It’s starting to feel like a ritual. Maybe he’s a little high.
Nursey laughs, elbowing him. “Yes,” he says, like he’s only just now deciding it. “We should. What should it be?”
Dex inhales and takes in what he has around him. Nursey to his right, Wicks to his left, and Ollie past him. The lake is inches from them and the air smells like ice. He closes his eyes and thinks of Faber, thinks of Chowder, of the Haus. The smell of the earth, the silence of a quiet car that sits in traffic.
He exhales. They’ll be with him onward. It’s something else he has to let go of.
“You’re better with words,” Dex tells him. Better with everything.
Nursey thinks on it before standing tall, arms still wrapped around himself to keep warm, and shouts, “Oh, Beautiful Lake!” Dex can’t help the giddiness that springs up inside of him. It rushes in like it’s trying to fight off the cold for him, fanning out in his chest, to his toes. “Let your frozen waters cleanse us! Rid us of that which we need gone to allow us room for something better!” Ollie hoots and Dex bounces on his toes in anticipation. Nursey turns to him slowly, smiling like he’s satisfied. “Is that enough?”
“Perfect.”
They storm the lake screaming. It’s so cold that Dex forgets how to think. He dives under the water because he feels like he has to. He needs to submerge his entire body to get it out. Up he pushes, up for air, then down again because the cold reminds him that the ache is allowed.
They didn’t want him home for Christmas. Does that mean they won’t want him forever?
His lungs are on fire and his chest is burning and it’s okay, it’s okay to feel like this, to let it suffocate him because the water’s already doing it.
Up again for air and the others are laughing and the sound of it is jarring but also so incredibly grounding that Dex feels like he’s been shoved sideways into another moment. He’s not underwater in the cold dark lake, he’s here with his friends who love him.
He turns and Nursey splashes him at exactly the right time and Dex shouts, shocked and cold, and then they’re all splashing each other as they yell.
When Dex really feels like he can’t breathe anymore he rushes back toward the shore, only a few steps behind Wicks and Ollie who’d given in first. Nursey’s right behind him and as they stumble onto the grass Nursey catches his shoulder. Dex turns to him and it just feels like the two of them by the lake now, no one else, nothing else.
Dex’s hand lifts to hold Nursey’s forearm and Nursey softens, smiling like his bones haven’t frozen him to the core.
“Dudes!” Ollie yells. The illusion is shattered and he pulls away from Nursey without words, rushing to scoop up his clothes.
“Fuck this year,” Wicks says with a laugh while he tugs on his shirt.
Dex couldn’t agree more.
Ollie and Wicks have a pre-game with some friends which leaves Nursey and Dex left to putter around the house alone until it’s time for the party.
It’s been hours since he’s showered the lake off of him and Dex really does feel like something inside of him has opened up. He wants it to be true. He knows it could be, if he believes it. If he follows through with that feeling. Allows himself to let go so he can keep growing in the ways he wants.
It’s 9:30 when Nursey asks if he’s ready to leave and Dex takes a long time pulling on his coat. He’s never really celebrated New Year’s before, not like he did today at the lake. Going to a party now feels strange, in ways.
“You still wanna look at lights?” Dex asks.
The way Nursey lightens at the question is answer enough. “If you want,” he says.
“We should.”
Nursey has a route planned for maximum light-seeing. He’s scoped out the streets the past couple of nights just to see what was around. The path he takes them on is long and winding, up and down and back again, but Dex doesn’t mind. The longer it takes to get to the party means the less time spent there.
And the more time spent with Nursey.
“What are you thinking about?” Nursey asks.
Dex sighs. “The lake,” he says. “Have you done that before?”
“What, like a polar bear plunge?”
“For the New Year.”
“No,” Nursey answers. “Not intentionally the New Year, not like that.” Dex nods slowly. “Did you enjoy it?”
Dex had to’ve been very stoned, he thinks, but he did. “Yeah. It felt good.” Nursey nods like he agrees. “I still… miss my dog though.”
He also can’t believe he hasn’t heard from his brother. A few of his cousins have texted him, but not his own brother?
Some things Dex can’t let go of yet.
“Yeah,” Nursey says sadly. “That’s okay.” Dex crosses his arms over his chest and hopes it looks like he’s just trying to stave off the cold instead of just holding himself. “If you want to talk about any of that you know I’m here for you,” Nursey reminds him. “And… the counseling center is free.”
Dex laughs a little which helps to ease the nervous smile that’s sprung up on Nursey’s face. “Yeah, Nurse, I know.” Still, he shakes his head. He doesn’t quite know how to feel, but he does know one thing. “I’m glad you’re here with me tonight,” he tells Nursey.
Nursey knocks him gently with his elbow. “Me too.”
It’s a typical New Year’s Eve party. There’s lots of music from the last year and lots of alcohol and a surprising mix of people for the off-season of school. Chowder texts the group chat with the three of them and tells them to enjoy their few hours in the future before him, which makes Dex smile. He plays beer pong and Flip Cup and Kings. He and Nursey take shots with Wicks and Ollie when they show up, a toast for the lake. He dances a little and drinks some more and mostly just wants to go home.
Then it’s nearly midnight and everyone’s crowding into the living room to try and watch the ball drop on the tiny television screen. He doesn’t have a particularly good view but the crowd is chanting so he doesn’t really need one.
60…
59…
Dex turns and looks for Nursey, having lost him in the rush when people realized it was midnight. He’s nowhere close but Dex keeps searching.
30…
29…
The minute goes faster as he tries to make it slow down but the room gets louder and more excited with every passing second. Dex gives up and gives in.
The year is ending. It’s time to start anew.
3…
2…
1…
Happy New Year!
The room erupts with cheering and the sound cradles Dex, making him feel more centered than he has in a while. He turns and sees a couple kissing here and a couple kissing there and another couple by the stairs and—
Nursey. Finally. And he’s just watching him.
When Nursey realizes that Dex is looking back, he turns, quickly dropping his gaze and edging his way backwards past some partygoers. Around him couples break apart and after another glance Dex finds that he’s lost sight of Nursey completely.
Part of him thinks he should just let him go. The other knows he needs to find him.
Nursey’s only in the kitchen for a few minutes before he hears the door to the Haus open. Turns out Dex doesn’t need to pull intricate Netflix maneuvers to find Nursey. He’s filling up a glass with water when Dex finds him and the frown sporting his face is familiar. Nursey doesn’t want to argue tonight and for some reason this looks like a Dex who wants to fight.
“Hi,” Nursey greets gently.
“Why’d you leave the party?” Dex asks. No hesitation.
"Happy New Year to you too."
Nursey holds his gaze but he can’t say what Dex wants him to say. He thought he already had, albeit not in so many words, but when Nursey came to the Haus to get Dex for Christmas he figured Dex knew what he was saying anyway. Dex has always been a man of action, Nursey less so. He made his grand gesture.
“The ball dropped,” Nursey decides. He doesn’t want to start off the year on the wrong foot with Dex but he’s still worried a fight is brewing. “It’s the new year. I thought I would welcome it by getting a nice night of rest. The lake took a lot out of me.”
Dex doesn’t move. He’s in the doorway and taking up the space easily. When Nursey has the courage to make eye contact, Dex doesn’t look angry. He looks afraid.
He steps in Nursey’s direction. “Derek,” he says quietly.
Nursey’s chest constricts in an instant. “Will?”
Dex takes another step toward him, his eyes darting to Nursey’s mouth just for a moment.
“I wish I was better at this,” Dex says.
Nursey’s heart is pounding. He takes a long drink of water before asking, “Better at what?”
“You,” Dex answers. Nursey looks down because looking at Dex is too difficult. He can’t dare to get his hopes up but this one word makes him feel lighter. “Being… honest.”
He struggles but he finds a smile. “Me too,” Nursey admits.
When he looks up again, Dex is shaking his head. “You’re always honest.”
“Not like I wanna be,” Nursey murmurs.
Dex takes another step toward him. “Why’d you leave the party?” he asks again.
It’s a chance to be honest in the way he wants to be, but still Nursey hesitates. The year has finally ended, and to start the new one off with heartbreak might not really be what he wants to do. It’s when Dex steps toward him again that Nursey remembers the hope that flooded him moments before, brief but intoxicating. And before that, on their walk by the lights. And even before that, at the lake.
“I’ve never had a real New Year’s kiss,” Nursey tells him, because it’s the truth, just not quite the one they’re both looking for. “Last year I was asleep before the ball dropped, actually.”
Dex’s eyes are on Nursey’s mouth again. “Me neither,” he responds. A real New Year’s kiss, traded with someone along with a promise of a year together. “Not one that’s meant anything.”
Screw it, Nursey doesn’t want to talk in code. He has to start this year off knowing. “I wanted to kiss you,” he finally admits. Dex has to already know that. “That’s why I left the party.”
Another step closer. “You could’ve,” Dex whispers. It’s strangled. Like it’s hard for him to say.
That’s why Nursey shakes his head. “I don’t know, Will.”
If there’s something here, they’ve been dancing around it. Dex has been avoiding him ever since they got back from Christmas. Nursey wants it desperately but it doesn’t really feel like Dex does.
“You can,” Dex corrects. Softer. More sure. Dex reaches out, closer now, his hand firm on Nursey’s side. He catches his shirt and tugs Nursey toward him so he’s forced to take a step. “Let’s do this.”
Nursey can’t help but think that Dex might be drunk. He reaches out to steady him, both of his hands resting near Dex’s hips. He wants to know what Dex is afraid of.
Instead he asks, “What is this?”
Dex lifts his other hand to cup Nursey’s cheek and draws him in. Nursey wishes he could hold his ground but he melts the moment he feels Dex’s lips against his own. Both of his hands stay firm against Dex’s sides but they stumble, back a step in Dex’s direction, Nursey more eager than he’d really wanted to let on. Behind it he feels Dex smile and it makes Nursey breathless, chasing Dex’s mouth every time he dares to draw back even a little.
Dex tugs at Nursey’s shirt and it shifts, allowing Dex to slide his hand beneath the fabric and onto his skin, across his back. Nursey winds his arms around Dex and again they’re stumbling, sideways now, both of them smiling this time.
“Careful,” Dex reprimands, moments before they collide into the wall. Nursey’s smile dissolves into laughter. He still wants an answer, wants to know what this is, but more than anything he wants to kiss Dex. “We could go to my room,” he offers, and it’s nothing but it still makes Nursey hot faster than he can explain.
“Our room is upstairs,” Nursey tosses back. Dex’s smile is sharp but he rolls his eyes before stealing another kiss.
“The stairs to the basement go down instead of up,” Dex offers. “And are farther from where Ollie and Wicks will be.”
Nursey tugs Dex toward the basement stairwell in a rush, the sound of Dex’s laughter only fueling him forward. They hurry down the steps and Dex leads the way into his room. Nursey’s only been inside a few times, never long enough to really linger.
He scans as he kicks off his shoes. Impressively tidy. Tastefully decorated. He spots the framed photo he gifted him for Christmas sitting on Dex’s desk, front and center, like he hasn’t quite decided where he wants to place it yet.
Dex finds him staring. “You could’ve just called.”
Nursey turns back to him. “What?”
“It was Christmas Eve, Derek, you could’ve just called, you didn’t have to actually—”
“I wanted to,” Nursey interrupts him. Dex falters like he can’t quite believe it. Nursey reaches for him and they wind up in one another’s space again, Dex’s golden eyes wild. “I’d do it again.”
Dex kisses him and it isn’t enough. Nursey wants to hear Dex say something but no words come so Nursey kisses him back, too afraid to let the moment go. They climb back onto Dex’s bed, Dex on top, and Nursey wants to melt into this mattress and take Dex with him.
“You’re an idiot,” Dex says once he’s straddling Nursey’s hips.
Dex grinds forward a little and Nursey reaches up to start working at the button of his jeans. "'cause I care about you?” he gasps, struggling. “That makes me an idiot?”
He helps him with the zipper and together they get Dex’s jeans off, tossing them onto the floor. When he leans in he kisses Nursey another time. Everything is going to change, Nursey knows. In one way or another. If Dex wakes up and regrets this. If he doesn’t. Tomorrow with the sunrise there will be something new.
It could be something beautiful. If they want it.
Nursey really wants it.
Dex’s shirt is the next thing to go and he pulls away disapprovingly when he realizes that Nursey’s still mostly clothed. There’s laughter as they fix that problem that quickly fades when Dex presses him back onto the mattress, only their boxers left on. If Dex wasn't so warm it would remind him of the lake. His hands are firm against Nursey’s bare shoulders as he kisses him some more.
At one point Dex pulls back breathless to ask, “Is this too much?”
Nursey’s only response is more laughter that can’t be contained and to roll them so Dex falls flat on his back. He kisses his way slowly down Dex’s throat, suckling across his pale skin while Dex sighs beneath him.
“I want to be with you,” Nursey murmurs into his neck. Dex tenses and Nursey pulls back so he can really look at him. Nursey wants to make that clear before they go any further. He’ll take what Dex gives him tonight but at the end of it, Nursey wants to be with him. Dex’s eyes are dark now, wide, waiting for Nursey to say more. “Is that too much?”
It takes a moment but Dex slowly shakes his head no. “No, but…”
Nursey grows tense too. “But what?”
He watches as Dex’s tongue darts out, wetting his lips. His eyes shoot off somewhere else and for a second Nursey worries Dex won’t actually answer him. That this could be the end—the fear that he’d only glimpsed briefly earlier.
But soon Dex rasps, “What happens when I’m not enough for you?” Before Nursey can even start to reassure him Dex is speaking again. “I’m not like you, I can’t… I couldn’t do what you did for me.” An act of love so loud and brave. “You brought me to your home, I mean I ate with you and your parents for dinner, and they got me—”
“Will,” Nursey shushes him. “Will. It’s not gonna be an issue. You're already enough.”
They’ve spent years doing this. He knows who Dex is and what he’s capable of and Nursey loves him. Easily. Whether Dex’s parents will ever welcome them home or not. Whether Dex can shout about how he feels now or later or never. It doesn’t matter. It won’t be an issue.
Nursey knows how he feels.
Dex’s hands settle on Nursey’s hips. They take a moment in silence before he says, “I’m not moving back upstairs.”
Nursey bursts into laughter and Dex’s smile finally appears, a little unsure. “That’s fine,” Nursey reassures him. “Your loss.”
He shifts and leans down over Dex’s body before falling into the open spot beside him in bed. They turn, wrapped in one another, side by side and just looking into one each other’s eyes.
Nursey knows it won’t be easy, not with Dex’s family doing what they did. All of the pain that it’s caused Dex is going to be a mountain of awful to climb, but Nursey’s up for doing it with Dex whenever he needs. He reaches forward to catch Dex’s cheek, his thumb slowly dragging along Dex’s jaw. Nursey wants to spoil the hell out of him.
Dex’s eyes flutter shut as though he knows what Nursey’s thinking about.
He says, “I couldn’t figure out why I was so angry when we had to split the room.” Dex shakes his head a little but reaches out blindly to drag Nursey closer. “I spent all summer agitated,” Dex tells him, and it only makes Nursey smile. He’d been excited to share the room with Dex and secretly hurt when Dex didn’t feel the same. “My brother knew something was wrong with me but even saying it out loud didn’t feel like a reason to be so angry. It was ridiculous.”
Dex’s eyebrows furrow before he opens his eyes slowly. “I came out to them two weeks before the summer ended,” he says slowly. “And after that I wasn’t… angry about the room.” He looks back to Nursey and they hold one another’s gaze. “I was just anxious,” Dex admits. “And I knew why but I didn’t want to admit it, so I pretend like I wasn’t, and.” He shakes his head a little. “Freaked out and built another room in the basement.”
Nursey hums. “You liked me.”
It makes Dex blush which is hilarious seeing as they’re already practically naked in bed together.
“Yeah,” Dex whispers. “I did.” His hand tightens slightly on Nursey’s side. “I… called you. Before I told them.” Nursey thinks back but struggles to place the call in their timeline. The truth was they’d started talking more often toward the end of the summer. More frequent texts, a couple of calls that always caught Nursey a little off guard in the best way. “You were at your niece’s birthday party,” Dex reminds him.
Nursey does remember that call, actually. It was the best excuse to step outside and get some quiet from a crowd of screaming kindergarteners and their chatty families. Dex had been strangely quiet, which had concerned him because he’d been the one to call.
“Are you okay?” Nursey asked.
“Sure.” More silence. “What day are you moving in? We should coordinate.”
Nursey smiled. “Miss me, Poindexter?”
It sounded like Dex might’ve laughed. “Say some stupid things to me, could you?”
Nursey laughed, confused. “What kind of stupid things?”
“Your usual bullshit should suffice.”
“I don’t have usual bullshit,” Nursey said with another laugh. He knew Dex didn’t call to argue so he didn’t feel annoyed like he might’ve some other time. “I mean, I’m at my niece’s birthday party and they hired a magician.”
“This is perfect,” Dex exhaled, tight. “Usual bullshit.”
Nursey shook his head. He missed Dex. “I keep trying to get him to take me as the volunteer but he always calls on one of the kids. Isn’t that rude?”
“Incredibly. Why let children have fun at a children’s birthday party, you know?”
“Hey,” Nursery defended, “they’ve all been called on already. It’s my turn!” There was a burst of shrieking from inside and Nursey was glad that he had a wall between them. “Mostly I just want a balloon animal.”
“A magician that does balloon animals? Are you thinking of clowns?”
“Fuck clowns and their associates. This guy can just also do balloon animals.” Dex exhaled deeply on the other end. “You sure you’re okay?” Nursey asked.
“Just wanted to say hey,” Dex answered. “I’ve got to go. Thanks, Nurse. Text me once you get that balloon animal.”
He’d hung up before Nursey could really say goodbye, and later, when the magician spun together a giraffe for Nursey, he sent a picture to Dex without even thinking about it. Hours later when Dex answered, Nursey had forgotten all about the worry.
In bed, Nursey shakes his head. “Why?” he asks.
“I wanted to hear your voice before I did it,” Dex says.
“Why?” Nursey pushes.
“You make me feel brave.” Dex looks away but Nursey eases in a touch closer. “It’s so irritating,” he exhales. Nursey’s smiling but he presses in for a kiss anyway. When they part Dex shifts so he’s the one over Nursey again, just leaning over his chest, propped up so he can look down at him. “Yeah, okay,” he says, more sure.
“Okay what?”
“I’ve wanted to be with you for months.” Nursey’s blissful. What a way to start out the New Year. He feels like he’s floating. “You’re sure? I’m sure.”
“I’m sure,” Nursey confirms, breathless, before Dex kisses him again.
Nursey gets lost in the feeling of Dex’s hands against his skin, the taste of his lips. They shed their boxers and slip beneath the sheets to welcome the New Year together.
After, when Nursey listens through the sound of the creaking pipes while Dex doses against his chest, he thinks he might hear fireworks.
When Dex wakes on New Year’s day it’s to Nursey lightly dragging his fingers through Dex’s hair. It takes him a few blinks to really open his eyes and when he does, Nursey’s smiling at him.
“Morning,” he greets gently.
Dex’s eyebrows furrow a little. “How’re you awake before me?” he rasps.
“New year new me,” Nursey answers. Dex scoffs which only makes Nursey laugh. “It’s cold down here.”
Nursey buries his face into Dex’s neck and Dex sighs, letting his eyes shut again. “I like it,” he answers. His voice is thick and he knows that with Nursey wound around him like this, he could easily fall back asleep. This is his favorite way he’s ever greeted a new year.
He can’t help but think about how he’d still be home for the holiday if his family had welcomed him for it. He also can’t help but think how horrified they’d be to hear about how he ended up starting off this year. It makes him smile.
“I think it’s gonna be a good year,” Nursey murmurs. The words burn into Dex’s skin, across his throat.
For us, Dex thinks. He opens his eyes again to look at the man in his arms and his heart swells in his chest. He has no idea what he’s doing but he knows he wants to be doing it with Nursey. He doesn’t think he quite deserves it, but he knows he’ll strive to.
Dex trails a finger down Nursey’s neck, then along his shoulder. “I hate New Year’s,” he admits.
Nursey chuckles. “Figures.”
“But I’ve never had anyone to spend it with before, so. I don’t know.”
Nursey pulls away from him, just enough that he can lean up in for a kiss. Dex makes a surprised noise into it but kisses Nursey back, tugging him down nearly on top of him. When they pull apart to breathe Nursey’s grinning and Dex hates that the sight of it makes him feel so warm.
“What should we do today?” Nursey asks brightly.
Dex could stay in bed all day just watching him smile.
After a lazy morning beneath Dex’s sheets and coffee with Ollie and Wicks, they decide to drive to a nearby scenic point. Dex wouldn’t mind hiking but he knows it’s too cold for Nursey to agree without whining a little so he decides not to even push it. The view will be enough.
They get there mid-day and it isn’t even crowded, only a few other cars, and the peak itself appears to be clear which means others might have hiked themselves.
As predicted, Nursey whines about the cold moments after getting outside as though they didn't just submerge themselves in a giant lake the day before. He quiets down once Dex offers him his hand, almost like he was being especially annoying on purpose just so he could trick Dex into lacing their fingers together.
Nursey walks toward the edge of the cliff and Dex stands beside him, hand in hand, as they gaze out.
“I like this overlook,” Nursey says.
“Me too.”
Nursey tugs him closer. “I like that I’m here with you.”
His words make Dex rush with heat. It doesn’t even matter that the wind is turning his nose red, Nursey just has to charm him and the cold is irrelevant.
“What do you want to do this year?” Dex asks him. “Seriously.”
Nursey hums, thinking about it. “I’d like to travel in the summer,” he answers. “Somewhere new. Actually start journaling. Get a few plants.” He squeezes Dex’s hand. “What about you?”
Dex’s first thought is of his family. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do next. Should he reach out to them? Wait for them to reach out to him? He already feels exhausted for the challenges this year might bring him.
But as he looks up to Nursey he knows at least he’ll have someone to share it with. The struggles, but the joy too.
He doesn’t necessarily know if it’s going to be a good year, but it’ll be theirs. A year of striving for something better, together.
“I’ll get to be more me,” Dex answers quietly. “That’ll be nice.”
“Yeah,” Nursey agrees in a heartbeat. “That’ll be nice.”
He turns in Nursey’s direction. “And I’ll get to do it with you,” he says carefully, almost still worried that it isn’t true.
Nursey leans in and kisses him quickly. “Yeah,” he confirms. “We’ll do it together.”
Besides getting to embrace the Dex that he wants to be, no more secrets, he has other goals too. Read more, maybe. See his dog again. Spend more time outside, with views like this, with Nursey.
“Next year,” Nursey says suddenly, like he’s been thinking about it, “let’s jump in an ocean for the New Year.”
Dex grins. He already can’t wait. “Which one?”