Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

So a knight, a gang leader, a bookworm, a rapper, a thief, and a gamer walk into a bar.

Actually, they just walk into their kitchen. One of them grabs the glasses while the other grabs the booze.

“Here’s to a night of no rules!”

“We haven’t even done anything how are you drunk!?”

They spent a good hour or so downing shots and bottles. How they had an unlimited supply, we will never know. They also ended up finding a karaoke machine and were in heated singing battles.

It was getting quite late in the night, and the others were trying to sleep. However, due to the singing (which was really just them yelling out the lyrics) downstairs, sleep seemed impossible. So, the Ultimate Protectors had a meeting. A few were sent downstairs to shut down the mini party. Santi, Raoul, and Max were chosen, so the three of them trudged their way to the kitchen.

Santi went in first, kicking down the door FBI style. Immediately, he wished he would have never gone down. The first thing he saw was Hoseok standing on the table singing Dancing Queen. It’s hard to miss a neon sign with pink hair. He then scanned over the room, looking for the one he was the most responsible for. He found Jess standing with Carmen. Their conversation must have been funny to them, as they would double over laughing every other minute. Max and Raoul looked past Santi and were about to retreat upstairs until Santi stopped them.

“I am not going down alone.” Max and Raoul shared a mental battle cry before joining Santi.

Max searched out Ash and found him in a drinking battle with Kel.

“Is it even really a competition for those two at this point?” he muttered to Raoul, who just shrugged. They walked over to their charges and took their bottles of beer away from them.

“I think you two have had enough.”

“Aw come on, Max, don’t be like that.” Max raised a brow at Ash.

“Yeah, no more for you.” Ash gasped dramatically.

“Wow, you dare try to kill me by denying me this?”

“You’re the one killing yourself!”

“So is Kel! Why don’t you get on to her and only me huh!?”

“Because Raoul can do that for me!” Raoul was just kinda watching them at that moment.

Meanwhile, Santi was holding a giggling Jess over his shoulder.

“So what about the others?” Raoul asked him. Santi shrugged to the best of his ability.

“Tell the others to come and get them. I've got my charge. I’m bouncing.” Raoul agreed with him.

“True.”

“You might get Felix, though. He doesn’t have anyone.”

“But what if he beats me with his shoe and cusses me out in Spanish?”

“Then it’s a double win.”

“Shut up Ash.”

“How dareth thee!”

The next morning, the main Protectors were all staying in their beds with massive hangovers.

“Why did we even do that?” they asked themselves.

Chapter Text

A few days later, the adorable beans are sitting around in Neal’s room playing games.

“I’m bored,” Taehyung whines.

“Same,” Neal says and gets up.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m thirsty.”

“Bring us back something too!”

“Okay!” Neal opens the fridge and grabs a pitcher of orange juice. He then grabs some glasses and makes his way back upstairs. “I got orange juice, it was all I could find.” He set it on the table.

Soon they each had a cup. Eiji took the first sip.

“It’s good,” he says, “but there’s something about it…” Neal took a sip.

“Yeah. There’s an interesting flavor in the background.”

“Is it mint?”

“I don’t think so, Tae.”

“Peach?”

“No-”

“Strawberry?”

“Are you just listing off random ingredients?”

“Yep!”

A couple of hours passed, and Ash was returning from his store adventure. He unlocked the door and made his presence known.

“Eiji, I’m back.” Nothing. “Eiji?” Still nothing. The sirens started to go off in Ash’s head and he called out for the others.

“Milo? Neal? Taehyung? Player? Thomas?” A noise was heard upstairs, and Ash got ready for a fight.

He made his way to the source, which was Neal’s room, and opened the door. What he saw was a juice pitcher on the floor and the babies completely wasted.

“Ash!” He saw Eiji giggling on the floor holding something from Ash’s nightmares; a pumpkin.

“Eiji? What is...going on?”

“We found the juice in the fridge!”

“Juice…?” Ash tried to think of what he was talking about, then it dawned on him. “Oh shit…” He looked over at the pitcher. “We are so dead…”

Eiji stumbled up, dropping the pumpkin in the act. It rolled over to Ash’s feet, and he quickly jumped away from it like a cat from a cucumber. Eiji saw him and got an evil little smile on his face.

“What? You afraid of Pumpkin-Kun?”

“You know I hate pumpkins! And never say that word ever again!” Eiji giggled and shoved the pumpkin in his face.

“But Pumpkin-Kun loves you!!!”

“Get that away from me or I’ll cry!” Ash felt someone wrap around his waist tightly. He looked down and saw it was Milo.

“Don’t bully him,” he said.

“Aw, I’m just having some fun!”

“Yes, but don’t scare him off!” Eiji stuck his tongue out at him but backed off.

“Thanks, Milo,” Ash said and tried to move. “You can let me go now.” Milo just shook his head. The blonde then felt something else grab onto his leg. It was Player. Ash was about to say something before remembering what Carmen told him. When Player was drunk, he would get very emotional, and Ash did not feel like dealing with a crying child. She also told him not to ask why he was drunk in the first place, but that’s a story for another time.

So now, Ash had two babies holding onto him. As he tried to shuffle his way to the door, he felt someone pounce on him from behind. He almost fell over as Taehyung wrapped his legs around Ash.

“Not you, too,” he groaned.

“Yes, me too. I wanna join in on the fun!” Ash sighed and took out his phone. He texted the Protector Group Chat asking for backup. “They better get here soon,” he mumbled.

“And if they aren't? What you gonna do about it Dobby?”

“That’s Hoseok, not me!”

A few minutes later, the other Protectors walked in.

“Ash?”

“Up here!” They hurried up the stairs (while shoving each other along the way) and opened the door to see Ash on the floor. He let out a loud groan as a greeting.

“Hey look, Dobby’s here!”

“Oh god, please no,” Hoseok muttered.

“So, what do we do?” Carmen asked her fellow teammates. They just kinda shrugged in response.

“I guess take one and hit them upside the head?”

“No way. One, I can't reach Thomas, and two, Wolfe hurts when he hits you!”

“What does that have to do with this?”

“I don't know, just a notice!”

“I have to agree with Jess on the height part,” Felix chimed in. “Milo is pretty tall too.”

“Well excuse me you're so short!”

“Well excuse me Player is short!”

“Shut it Dobby!” Ash cleared his throat. “Oh yeah, that's right, we gotta help Ash.”

Carmen called Player to her like a puppy.

“Carmen!” he sobbed and ran to her. She scooped him up in her arms and walked out while he rambled on how much he loved her and appreciated her.

“Well, that’s one down. Who’s next?”

“I’ll go,” Hoseok said. “Let’s get this over with. Tae, let’s go.”

“No!”

“I’m not asking.”

“I don’t care. You can’t make me!”

“You’re doing a swell job, Hoseok.”

“Shut up, Ash. Taehyung, come on. Hurry.” Tae stuck his tongue out at him. “Don’t you stick your tongue out at me, mister. Let’s. Go.” Everyone in the room tensed at his voice, and Tae climbed off of Ash and followed Hoseok out the door like a nervous puppy.

“That's two. Jess, you go.” Jess sighed and walked up to Thomas.

“Hey Thomas, I heard there’s something out in the garage that needs fixing.” Thomas shot up like a rocket and ran out, with Jess running to follow.

“You know, for how drunk he is, he's still good at running.”

Felix was next and was able to drag himself and Milo out. Ash ran away as Eiji chased him with a pumpkin. Finally, it was just Kel and Neal. She picked up Neal from off the floor and carried him into the bathroom, knowing he'll need it soon.

“Oh, the things I do for the people I love.”

The next morning was hell. The babies were wrapped up in their Disney blankets as their Protectors brought them whatever they need because they're soft.