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The days wore on as they often did while at war, waiting and watching for the Empire to arrive while anxiously awaiting the moment when they would have to fight. Or flee for their lives, but more than likely both. From the leadership of the highest levels down to the newest recruit, the nerves were high and many were missing peace and home, especially on a wintry world with no change of weather in sight.
The idea seemed to come to light of its own accord, celebrating the winter festivals of their homeworlds, from the richest Core worlds to the outstretched reaches of the Outer Rim. Soon the word spread throughout the entire base, the Rebellion would soon celebrate the season in a way that no one else could. Lights and decorations seemed to pop up overnight, appearing out of nowhere and stringing through the halls and on every doorway. No one seemed to know where any of this came from, though if they did it was never admitted, and within a day the base was lit with a holiday spirit that many hadn’t seen in years, if not longer.
One person, however, was less than enthused about the whole situation, particularly the thought of home. Leia had tried her hardest to stay as far away from the festivities as she could, avoiding the decorations and singing in various languages the songs of the season, but it seemed to surround her in every corner of the base. Though many looked at her like she was insane at first for trying so hard to avoid the growing festivities, they eventually left well enough alone and turned their own thoughts to celebrating and enjoying the season they created for themselves. Though most had turned their attention away within a few days, a few kept their eye out, watching and waiting for her to turn around and join in.
“She’s not budging, Chewie,” Han said to his Wookiee co-pilot a few days after the decorations went up and excitement had begun to grow for a holiday feast in the coming days.
Chewie roared in his native Shyriiwook language, shaking his head as if to say ‘You know better than to think Leia does anything she doesn’t want to do, Han. There’s obviously a reason for it.’ The Wookiee had a very good idea of what seemed to be bothering Leia, the destruction of Alderaan still a vivid memory in most of those who served on the base, especially those who had previously called the planet home. It seemed that Han had forgotten, however, and he wasn’t about to remind his human companion when it should have been obvious.
Han sighed, running a hand over his face in exasperation as well as worry. He knew Leia well enough in the time he and Chewie had spent with the Rebellion that she was stubborn, driven, and most of all surely missing home. He sighed again when he realized what was going on. Leia lost her home, her family. What was the point of celebrating when it only reminded you of loss?
“We need to do something for her, Chewie. Something nice, special,” he decided, turning to Chewie. “She’s kept everyone going since Yavin, working herself to death. If anyone deserves a nice holiday, it’s her.”
***
His plan, not that it really was much of a plan, began to form and come together almost immediately. With Chewie and Luke’s help, though the young pilot didn’t know it yet, they would find a way to not only discover the true problem but also ensure that their princess got a happy holiday herself.
Han didn’t have to wait long to set his plan into motion, soon finding himself walking down the frozen corridor toward the mess, just behind Leia. He jogged a bit to catch up to her quick, determined stride, turning to walk backward beside her as she continued, seeming to ignore his presence entirely. After a few moments of this, Han stopped in front of Leia, making her finally acknowledge his presence.
“I don’t have time for this today, Captain. If you don’t have something constructive to say, I’d just assume you leave me be,” she said, sounding more than a little irritated at Han standing directly in her way, especially when he seemed to be in the mood for another back-and-forth.
“Woah, calm down there sweetheart. I just wanted to talk,” Han replied, sounding offended but really expecting the less-than-subtle bit of hostility from Leia. He wasn’t the first or last one she held at arm’s length, but he was likely the first to really push back. Or not be afraid to.
Leia sighed, running a hand over her face. He just didn’t get it, likely never did. She didn’t want to talk. “I told you, Han. I don’t have time for this today. The Rebellion isn’t going to run itself. The war isn’t going to win itself.” She moved her away around Han, but he stepped to stop her again.
“You’re not fighting this war by yourself, Leia. You’re not the only one who is in charge. Why not just take a break? Have a little fun? What’s the point of living if you don’t enjoy yourself once in a while?” Han tried to make his questions sound like he meant them, rather than what he was sure Leia would think. That he was teasing, trying to get a rise out of her, especially since that was something he was known to do. Their quips and back and forth matches were something that had become commonplace since Han unofficially joined the Rebellion, but this was something different.
“There’s quite a bit more to living than just drinking and...galavanting.” Leia waved her hand to try to think of another word to show her meaning, but nothing came. She shook her head and began to walk back toward her room again, with Han still in tow as she expected. She soon reached the corridor that held her sleeping quarters, largely empty due to the time of day, which she was grateful for. There would be no one to hear anything at all once this was done.
“Yeah, like what? You’re not just your cause, Leia. The Rebellion will survive if you let yourself smile, loosen up a bit.”
Leia stopped in front of her door, looking up at Han. He really didn’t get it one bit, did he? “You don’t understand. The only person you care about is you.”
Turning around, she punched in the code to open her door, giving Han one last look before letting it close in his face.
***
That evening, just as Leia settled down into her cot to sleep, hoping to find some sort of peace and warmth in the never-ending cold, the sound of a knock came through from the other side.
“Han, I told you. Go away,” she said as the door opened, her voice full of irritated exhaustion. The last thing she wanted was another battle with the smuggler, even if it did more often than not give her something to look forward to. She was surprised though to find Luke on the other side, instead of Han. “Oh, Luke. I’m sorry. I thought you were Han.”
Moving aside, Leia let the door open completely so Luke could step in, giving him the single chair in the room as she sat down on the bed.
“I heard you and Han got into another argument,” Luke said, trying to keep his words gentle so she wouldn’t potentially explode on him too. Though he had talked to Han, it wasn’t the man’s reaction, disappointed and more than a little worried, that concerned him. It was Leia herself, especially with what should have been more than enough cheer to even turn her mood around.
Leia scoffed at that, not angry at Luke but tired of the situations she continually found herself in, particularly in the mood she was in. “Yes, of course… I’m sure the entire base was talking about it. They always do.”
“I didn’t come to talk about Han, though I’m sure we should sometime… I came to see if you were alright. You’ve been in a worse mood than usual lately, and I want to help if I can.” After a moment, Leia feels an arm wrap around her and pull her into a steady heartbeat. She closes her eyes, relaxing into the embrace of Luke. She couldn’t explain why he was so special, so close to her heart, but he was there and waiting for her to confide in him. “What’s going on, Leia?”
“It’s nothing,” she starts, though knowing that it wasn’t entirely the truth. In fact, nothing about that statement was true. “It’s just, everyone walking around in this amazing holiday spirit makes me… I’m just...not interested in all of this. I understand people wanting to celebrate, have fun and just enjoy a moment that’s not this,” she motioned into the air, trying to find the words to explain what she meant, the generalities of war and being trapped on a frozen planet waiting for the Empire to find them, “but I…can’t.”
“Why? I don’t understand. You’re not just your cause, Leia. You can’t be. You deserve to smile, to laugh, to have a life.”
At last, the damn really starts to break, Luke’s gentleness and concern making her want to just talk to someone.
“Because I can’t see myself celebrating anything when it’s my fault so many of us don’t have a home anymore. Or a family. It’s my fault, Luke. Alderaan is gone and I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. They’re all gone.”
“Oh Leia,” Luke whispers before pulling her closer to hold. Ever since they had met, there was one thing about Leia that he had always trusted in, her ability to hold herself together in even the most trying times. Now, when it came to her heart and the family and home she had lost, maybe it was finally time to let go and fall apart a little. “You’re not alone in this. I promise you that.”
***
It took a day cycle for the third of the group to come to her, longer than Leia had expected. Though she was grateful for the reprieve from having to feel anything other than a determination to end the Empire once and for all, she knew that this would hurt. Badly.
When the knock finally came, Leia was ready, or as ready as she could be considering the circumstances. “Good evening, Chewie,” she said as the door opened, the tall, proud Wookiee standing on the other side. She stepped aside after a moment to let him in, the door closing behind them. “I suppose I should thank you for waiting to come to see me.”
Chewie waved a large hand, growling in his own form of dismissal. He knew that both Han and Luke could leap without looking, Han far more often. Both men still had a lot to learn.
Both sat in silence for a short time, a comfortable one of two friends who knew each other well enough to speak only when it was necessary. It was only when Chewie opened his mouth to say something but closed it again did Leia finally speak herself, breaking the silence.
“You can say whatever is on your mind, Chewie,” she said, looking up at him from her place on the bed. “I can handle it.”
It took him a few more moments to make up his mind on what to say, or more precisely how to say what needed to be said. ‘You’re far stronger than you think, Princess. I understand what it feels like to have your world taken from you, Princess. Your family. It is easy to lose sight of everything when trapped in your own pain, but you cannot let it take control. It’ll only eat away from you from the inside, so the only thing left to do is allow people to help you. To be there when you need them.’
“How do you go on? I can’t… The only thing I know how to do is fight, to make sure what happened to Alderaan never happens anywhere again, to anyone else.”
‘You find a way to fight, but it’s easier to keep a hold of yourself when you have people around you who care. Who want to see you happy. You have those people, your highness. You are not just your cause.’
“Han and Luke said the same thing.”
‘They were right.’
There was one thing she knew was true. The important thing wasn’t to mourn those who you lost, though it was okay to do so, but to keep fighting so it would never happen to anyone else again. To make sure others would have a better life.
The night of the most-anticipated celebration finally came, and it was just as much a happy holiday as Leia had imagined. Though a more subdued affair, the Empire somehow finding them on the minds of everyone pleasant, it still had the air of celebration and home that was sorely needed. There was a small tree perched in the corner of the cramped mess hall, likely one of the artificial variety that worlds without such foliage used in their Life Day celebrations. It was decorated with small, twinkling lights and a tiny representation of each of the worlds a member of the Rebellion was missing, the one they were fighting for. One such world was represented near the top of the tree, its blue water and bright green topped by swirling clouds made the very memory of its destruction feel even worse. It was gone, never coming back.
Turning away from the tree before the memories came rushing back again, knowing they would soon swallow her whole, she soon spotted Han, Chewie, and Luke sitting at a table together, surrounded by some of the other pilots. She started to approach but stopped herself. Would she even be welcome? Did she fit in with the celebration when she couldn’t bring herself to find the holiday spirit? Just when she had decided to turn and go back to her room, she felt a warm, familiar hand on her shoulder.
“Hey, where are you running off to?”
Leia turned around to face Han, seeing his gentle, concerned look and melting a little inside. She couldn’t admit to him how much she liked him, looked forward to his snarky comments and the way he’d look at her. His hand stayed on her shoulder for another moment before it pulled away, his expression changing to the familiar mask of indifference. It was an expression she wanted to change more than anything, to bring back the look that was only for her.
“I was going back to my room. I doubt anyone would want me here,” she answered honestly, looking around at the mess full of fresh recruits and old faces mingled together, enjoying each other’s company. “I’m not exactly the spirit of the holiday.”
Han shook his head, his hand coming back down to take hers, leading her over to the table she saw the three of them sitting at before, pulling out a chair beside him for her. Leia hesitated for a moment, looking down at Han and the look in his eyes that made her melt. The moment soon faded however and Leia took a seat beside Han, the smile he gave her worth all of the hesitations and worry that somehow he didn’t, that he couldn’t feel the same way that she realized she felt for him.
Somehow, Leia thought to herself, It’s going to be a very happy holiday.