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Nico had been putting off asking again for days. She swirls the hot tea in her cup and hopes no her Sensei can’t tell how nervous she is. The point of their evening meetings like this, after all, was to interact and bond in a more relaxing, less intense situation.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” her Sensei says. Nico gazes at her with worried eyes, but she hasn’t looked away from the pot as she pours herself some more. She doesn’t usually talk first. She has a way of silently initiating things. Nico guesses that’s what magic’s all about, so it checks. Nonetheless, being apprehended startles her.
“I, uh.” She can barely get the words out. “Do you remember what I asked you about last month?” And of course she remembered; her sensei is immortal and her mind transcends human cognitive capabilities, which is why she doesn’t respond, waiting for her to spit it out already. Stupid. Nico clears her throat. “About viewing the outside world. Just to see how my friends are doing. Since it’s been two years.” Around the one year mark of her training, she requested to get some sort of update, and her master obliged, reporting that all four of them (and her mother) were all alive.
She didn’t think any of them were dead by now, or anything. At least, not necessarily.
Well. A lot can happen in a year. Nico swallows, hard.
“I don’t see why not,” her Sensei says between sips. “You’ve been learning at an excellent pace, and despite your beginnings here you have proven a satisfactory temperament as well. You have my permission to safely astral project beyond our borders tonight after the sunset ceremony.” Nico can’t help a small smile, and she bows her head in thanks. “Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Her master winks behind her cup.
“About that...tell me more about what your experience has been with projection. I might impart some helpful technique.”
___
As soon as the sunset ceremony dies down, Nico bids her peers and masters goodnight and practically runs back to her room from the nearby woods. It isn’t small by any means, but it sure is bare. A few potted plants, her bed, a few bamboo baskets with her clothes and other basic necessities, and a mat she drags to the middle of the room. She slowly sits down, legs crossed, left palm facing up and right palm flat on top of it. She sits blankly for a few moments before her eyes pop open.
If Karolina were dead, she’d know. She’s grown so in touch with the life forces that surround her and their energies, as well as her own, and she’s confident that if for whatever reason her life force were gone she would feel a difference. For all of them, really, she knows. She leans back with her hands on the floor in contemplation. She doesn’t need to do this.
But she wants to. And also, she’s terrified.
What if Karolina’s depressed without her? Nico doesn’t know if she’d be able to bear it if she got to really see her suffering, powerless to do anything. The thought puts a knot in her stomach. The realization that whether or not she sees her sad doesn’t affect whether or not she is sad just tightens it. She decides, though, that not knowing is the worse option. The dishonest and cowardly one. With a deep breath, she assembles her hands again, presses her eyes shut and throws her mind into it without hesitating, knowing if she did she would change her mind for the worse.
She does what her Sensei told her: focuses on her voice, on her strongest memories of it. She sounds far away at first, but each recollection brings her closer. Her vision goes white as she hears “Just promise me you’ll find me, wherever you are.” Just as it’s about to get too overwhelming, there’s silence and the brightness fades into setting. A living room. The place looks pretty new, or at least really clean. It’s full of pastel colors. The couch is robin’s egg blue with some light pink throw pillows. She turns around and there she is, in an oversized cardigan and her favorite jeans, back turned.
“Karolina,” she whispers, mostly breath. She shifts, so Nico’s suddenly irrationally afraid she's about turn around, but she can’t hear her. It's just coincidence Nico’s not really there. She could walk through her if she wanted to. Nico takes a few careful steps forward. She’s painting, cloudy cups with brushes facedown and a case of watercolor pigments surround what she’s working on. It’s some mountains beneath a violet sky. She has the trees sketched out, but they aren’t colored in yet. Nico studies her face; her trained brows and the way her lips are slightly pursed in concentration. She's too pretty. She's beautiful. A lump emerges in her throat because Karolina, her Karolina, seems just like herself. She looks like she's okay, so okay, and Nico is so, so proud of her, cursing herself for ever doubting she would be.
Suddenly, she hears keys at the door and Karolina’s head snaps up as if pulled from a trance, and Nico takes a fierce step toward the door, preparing for a threat, forgetting again that she isn’t really there. A dark-haired girl walks in and Karolina practically bounds over to greet her. Nico steps away and awkwardly drops her arms to her sides, feeling dumb. “I’m sorry I’m late, my manager had me close today,” the girl says, dropping her bags to return Karo’s hug.
“No worries, I kinda lost track of time anyway. Look,” Karolina says, hyper and cheerful, gesturing to a vase on the table Nico hadn’t noticed before. They’re sunflowers. Nico’s assaulted by a memory of the two of them lazily cuddling in Karolina’s bed at the hostel, talking about their favorite and least favorite flowers. Nico liked lilies but didn’t like sunflowers. Karolina liked them all, was partial to peonies, and admitted that sunflowers were overrated. ‘I still like them, but I think you're right, so that’s fair enough,’ she had said. ‘I don’t hate them or anything,' Nico had responded. ‘That would be dumb. As in, I don’t think I’d mind them if they came from you.’ Her face got hot at saying something so cheesy, but fuck it, she thought; and it was worth it when Karolina took her by the waist and turned her around to kiss her again.
“How did you know they were my favorite?” Mystery girl says, and Karolina’s grin just opens wider. “I’m observant. ” She’s very cute about it all and Nico’s heart melts at the same time as it fills with absolute dread as she notices the way Karolina looks at her. They’re not just roommates. Nico starts to panic.
“Let me bring my stuff into my room.” Mystery girl picks up her bags off the floor and starts through the kitchen. Karolina follows her like a lovesick puppy until she turns around to stop her. “Not yet, wait here!” she says through a laugh. “You don’t think you’re the only one who thought of a surprise for our one-month anniversary?” Karolina makes a surprised face and grabs her wrist as soon as she turns back around. Karo pulls her into a kiss and Nico feels like she’s been slapped in the face, hard. Mystery girl eventually breaks away with a smile and goes down the hallway, and Karolina leans forward, looks at her art a little more, and Nico helplessly makes her way next to her.
She looks at her face again, up this time now that she’s standing at her full height. Karolina’s smile lands into a neutral expression. She gazes up from her paper and into space. Nico’s face is numb and quivering and she doesn’t realize she’s crying until Karolina abruptly looks down at her hand. Nico follows her eyes and sees it, too—a wet dot of her tears. Nico gasps. It isn’t possible. Karo’s head head darts up toward the ceiling, checking to see where it could’ve come from. She looks all around the room, confused. Against her better judgment, Nico places her hand on top of Karolina’s, and it’s Karo’s turn to gasp and put her other hand on top of hers, presses down like she’s trying to capture something, nothing. Her hand passes through Nico’s like there’s nothing in between them.
“Is it you?” Karolina whispers, eyes squeezed shut. Nico takes her hand away to cover her mouth (partially in disbelief, partially to hold back from sobbing) and sends Karolina stumbling into her seat, breathing heavily, clutching her heart with one hand and gripping the edge of the table with the other, tears of her own spilling down makeup-free cheeks. Even though Nico’s the one who isn’t really there, it feels like she’s watching the woman she loves die. She’s never seen Karolina so shaken up, and she hates herself for being the cause of it, so fucking much. Nico is frozen. Her heart is screaming.
“Are you ready?” Mystery girl calls out from the next room. Footsteps. Nico can’t help but stare as Karolina calls out a “yes” in return, gingerly drying her tears with the edge of her sleeve in a hurry, taking a deep breath and giving the girl a weak smile as she enters the kitchen again, hands behind her back, beaming. Before guilt can even begin to settle in, Nico’s vision goes black and the wind gets knocked out of her. Her eyes snap open and she sees the wood of her own bedroom floor, on hands and knees. She pants like she’s been choking; deep, heaving, life-begging breaths as she manages to lie back down.
As soon as she does, though, she sees her sensei gazing down at her, looking disappointed yet sympathetic, stern but not cold. She remembers her warning and dreads the consequences, dreads the things she’s done that can’t be taken back. It is with all a mother’s caring discipline which Nico hates and needs and hates that she needs when she tells her, “Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning."