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When Song Lan comes to he is in so much pain, he immediately wishes he was unconscious again. His heart hurts with every beat in his chest and his face feels like it’s on fire.
“What—” he mumbles out and then raises his hand.
He can’t see it, so it must be in the middle of the night, but he still moves it closer to his face to find out just what the hell is wrong with it.
His wrist is caught in a gentle grip before he even comes close to his face and Song Lan frowns.
He doesn’t immediately tense, the other person feels so familiar is almost hurts but Song Lan shakes his head in confusion.
“It’s too dark, I can’t see anything,” he says and his voice is scratchy in his throat. “Who is there?” he demands to know after clearing his throat a few times.
“Oh, Zichen,” a painfully familiar voice says from besides him and Song Lan wrenches his hand away from Xiao Xingchen.
“You,” he presses out and tries to sit up in bed, only for Xiao Xingchen to push him back down again.
“Don’t move too much, you’re still hurt,” he says, and his voice is as gentle as ever, but Song Lan doesn’t want to hear it.
He never wants to hear it again.
“It’s your fault!” he hisses out and while he can’t see Xiao Xingchen in the dark, he knows the exact face he makes at that accusation.
“Yes,” Xiao Xingchen whispers and Song Lan’s fingers itch for his sword.
“Light a candle, will you?” Song Lan presses out when Xiao Xingchen stays silent too long and there it is again, the pained sigh.
“It’s the middle of the day, Zichen,” Xiao Xingchen tells him and it takes Song Lan too long to understand the implications behind that, but when he finally does he goes cold all over.
“No,” he whispers and brings his hands to his face, more carefully this time, and his fingers find the bandage around his head, right over his eyes.
“Xingchen,” he breathes out in horror, and Xiao Xingchen gently takes his wrist in his hand again.
“I am so sorry, Zichen,” he says, voice gentle, so damn gentle and Song Lan has the irrational urge to punch him in the face.
Xiao Xingchen didn’t just cost him his entire clan, he also robbed him of his eyesight and a petty, vicious part of Song Lan is glad for it.
At least like this, he never has to see Xiao Xingchen again.
“Xue Yang?” he demands to know but the silence at the side of his bed is pretty telling in itself.
“Why would you let him get away?” Song Lan says, voice tight with anger.
“Taking you to safety was more important,” Xiao Xingchen tells him and Song Lan clenches his fist.
“No, it wasn’t. Getting that murderer is the most important thing,” he gives back and then turns his head away from Xiao Xingchen.
“Zichen,” Xiao Xingchen tries again but Song Lan has had enough.
“No!” he snaps. “Do not call me that. It’s your fault they are all dead. It’s your fault and I never want to see you again!”
“I don’t know how to show you how sorry I am about that,” Xiao Xingchen mutters by his side and something ugly and vicious bubbles up in Song Lan.
“You could give me back my sight, for starters,” he hisses at him and it’s only because he is so attuned to Xiao Xingchen that he notices how he turns completely still.
“I should, shouldn’t I?” Xiao Xingchen whispers, and it’s more to himself than to Song Lan but he still agrees.
“Yes. Do that, and then leave. I don’t want you near me ever again. You ruined everything,” Song Lan sneers at him, meaning every word, but he still startles when Xiao Xingchen suddenly sits up.
“I will be back,” he promises, “with a solution. Please don’t leave in the meantime.”
“It’s not like I can go anywhere like this,” Song Lan bitterly says and he hears Xiao Xingchen hesitate for a second before he finally walks away.
Song Lan does try to stand up at one point, but his head explodes with pain and even though he can’t see anything everything tilts on its axis and he slumps back on the bed.
He doesn’t know how much time passes, has no way to tell where the sun is, but eventually Xiao Xingchen comes back.
“There is a possibility,” Xiao Xingchen tells him as he sits back down by his bedside. “I know where Baoshan Sanren is.”
“You’re not allowed to go back,” Song Lan snaps, annoyed with himself that he knows so much about Xiao Xingchen’s life, that he has told him so much, made Song Lan trust him only to hurt him like this.
A very small part, deep down tells him his anger is unjustified, that Xiao Xingchen is hardly at fault, but Song Lan pushes it down. He is too angry, too hurt to listen to it.
“But I can bring you to her. She should be able to heal your eyes.”
“But would she?” Song Lan wants to know and he is met with a heavy silence from Xiao Xingchen.
“I believe so,” he eventually says and Song Lan sits up straighter again.
“What do I have to do?” Song Lan asks and Xiao Xingchen carefully presses a bowl in his hand.
“Drink this.”
Song Lan takes one sniff of it and immediately his mouth twists in disgust.
“You didn’t even taste it, yet,” Xiao Xingchen mutters.
“The smell alone is enough to know that it is vile,” Song Lan gives back but Xiao Xingchen guides the bowl to his lips anyway.
“You have to drink all of it.”
‘I don’t even want to take a sip of it’ Song Lan wants to say but Xiao Xingchen uses that opportunity to press the bowl to his lips and tilt it slightly, causing the concoction to flow into Song Lan’s mouth.
It’s either swallow or choke and Song Lan is not quite desperate enough to die, yet, so he drinks it all.
His awareness immediately goes fuzzy around the edges, and he barely has enough time to mutter “Xingchen,” before he looses consciousness.
When he wakes up he can see again but Xiao Xingchen is no longer by his side. Song Lan is alone.