Chapter Text
Sometimes revelations just hit you. Like that last piece of candy at the bottom of the bag that you weren't expecting or an epilogue on the last page of a book that you could have sworn you read front to cover. It's an unexpected but not unwelcome surprise. Unfortunately, when this kind of stuff happens to people instead of things, it's not always so simple. In fact, it can be rather inconvenient. Just when you think you have your life all figured out, every strength and flaw that forms your being, the universe throws you for a loop.
You can either run from it (futile), fight it (a brave endeavor, but altogether useless. It's a part of you, honey, it's not leaving.) or you can just crash right into it and embrace it, whatever the consequences.
It may be a challenge, but really, challenges are nothing new to me. I'm a teen model (on hiatus not retired, thank you very fucking much), survived an alcoholic father and an abusive mother, got diagnosed with a severe type of mental disorder, and managed to nearly drown myself in a bathtub full of my own blood before being whisked away to a psych ward for thirty days. Despite all that, I'm still alive and considerably well for my circumstances.
I thought I had seen every curve ball that was going be thrown my way, but apparently not.
It was the day after I got home from the hospital, and I was lying in my OWN bed for the first time in a month. After many sleepless nights on a creaky and stiff hospital mattress, I hadn't realized that I had been taking my own bed for granted all these years. I never wanted to leave it, but I had to. It was the beginning of September, the end of our summer break. I had just gotten home and now I had to leave again until the holiday break. I hadn't talked to any of my friends since mid-July, when I had started to pull inwards and isolate myself in my room, only speaking to other people in different personalities that I made up for myself. A girl with a crown on her head, or drooping mushrooms, or using an overly cute voice to hide my crumbling mental state.
Funny, right? Hahaha, grow up, Junko, you're thinking. Like I haven't heard that one a million time.Thankfully I had not said anything too incriminating while doing this, that always made things so awkward, but what if none of my friends wanted anything to do with me now? Despair started to creep over me. I would live in the bathroom, sequestered from all my classmates, and pretend I was a ghost of a dead girl that lurked the school. Not very interesting, but a fate that I probably deserved.
While I was fretting, I heard the soft sound of the door being opened and footsteps on carpet approaching my bed. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep.
“Junko? Are you getting dressed?”
It was just Mukuro, my twin sister. “Does it look like it?” I asked, punctuated by a loud yawn. I didn't make any move to exit the bed.
She sighed. “Well, if you don't get ready soon, we're going to be late.”
Of course she'd want to be punctual. “Where would I ever be without you to keep me in line?” I remarked and threw the covers up over my head in defiance. I wanted to be difficult that morning so that I could get her attention. Mukuro had seemed so distant since I came home yesterday and I couldn't figure out why.
Footsteps walking away, oh no, was she mad? Damn it, that went wrong. Maybe if I put on a cute face fast enough she would forgive me. After a beat I felt a pillow collide with my head from outside the blanket and I yelled, turning over. The comforter was lifted away from my face and there she was.
Her face, freckled and narrow, framed by sleek black locks. I wanna run my fingers through them. She smiled for the first time since I got back, which made me smile too. Like looking in a mirror. Her face was surrounded by the hideously bright light that streamed in from outside so that it made her look downright angelic looking down at me. She reached down to brush some of the hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ears. “That's what sisters are for.”
It hit me like lightning. I think the realization make me smile even wider, so I probably looked positively manic.
I, Junko Enoshima, was in love with my fuckin' sister.
Mukuro rolled her eyes. “Stop giving me those doe eyes and get dressed!” she beat once more with the pillow before striding out of the room.
By some sort of miracle, I managed to get out of bed and decently made up to go to school. Mukuro had already put my belongings in the car, just a suitcase with a few of my favorite clothes and other things, the few trinkets I was actually allowed to have in the hospital. The rest of my things were still in my dorm at school.
When we're not in the lavish dorms of the Academy, we live with our aunt and uncle who took us in from our less than ideal living situation. After our dad had hung himself one night after drinking too heavily, Mom really went off the deep end. She started beating us regularly, blaming us for dad's departure. She liked to push me around the most, since I had was getting a lot of money from my modeling gigs at the time, which she would steal. She threatened to kill us if we ever told anyone what went on in that house.
Around that time, Mukuro ran away. She wanted to fight back against our mom, to make sure that she could never hurt her again. It stung at the time but I couldn't blame her. An organization called Fenrir had drawn her attention online, through private forums and creepy websites that required passcodes to navigate. I guess I just didn't have the guts to go with her. My home life was a despair-filled one, but it was familiar. Of course my mother blamed me for Mukuro's absence, the disappointing younger sister. I was the whore, the hussie, the one who deserved to be locked away in my room until Mommy Dearest was so gracious enough to release me. Mukuro and I kept in touch through letters, but those never came quickly enough.
In the three years of Mukuro's absence, when our mother was at her worst, I was out of control. At the hospital I was officially diagnosed as a psychopath, with some dissociative tendencies. I like to think that I've been one ever since I was a baby, because I don't like to give credit to my shitty parents for anything, but a lot of it is probably their fault. With a home life like mine, you don't come out of it without developing some skills to protect yourself. I'm not saying a mental disorder was the ideal solution to dealing with their abuse, but it worked. I could summon the strength to be as violent and fierce as I wanted. I had the courage to retaliate against my mother, despite her being forty pounds heavier than me and a habit of pining me under a sharp boot heel when she deemed me “too snappy”.
It's not all fun of course. I get terribly caught up in episodes of despair as well. I found it almost comforting, in a way that only intense sadness could be. I had always loved morbid things, so my fixation with despair felt all too natural. Reveling in my hopeless life seemed much better than wallowing in it. Some days I positively hated it. My despair has highs and lows, but back then it was truly the hopeless sort.
So with no friends or sister to entertain me, I eventually made up my own friends. I invented several personalities, a professor, a princess, even a teddy bear that could talk! The possibilities were endless. At first I only needed them to survive under my living conditions. Later, when me and Mukuro started going to a proper school, they began to manifest themselves regularly. I brought them out when I was scared, overwhelmed, or hell, even excited! I have seven regular personas, and depending on the situation I could sometimes go through them all in a matter of minutes. I found myself getting into character quite often, just to have the satisfaction of being someone else rather than a shut-in model who couldn't defend herself against her own goddamn mother. I mean, this woman could depress me, a fuckin' despair junkie, and beat me into submission on a weekly basis.
I made a pact with my sister not to dwell on her too much, so I try not to think about her these days. Anyway. After Mukuro came home, Mom became even more aggressive, claiming that Mukuro was selfish. She had changed her last name, “betrayed” the family. The physical fights became less frequent, however. The sight of my sister's new wolf's head tattoo, bruised and menacing on her pale flesh, a harsh reminder of the training she had received, always made our mother falter.
We lived in constant stress and agony. More than once we were forced to live on the streets because our mother would get behind on rent without letting us know. Things picked up when we received a letter from Hope's Peak Academy, inviting my sister and me to join the ranks of the most prestigious students in the country. We fit in surprisingly well. School was the only thing that kept us going, seeing our friends and being in an atmosphere that was actually peaceful. Apparently the staff had been expecting that something was wrong. The day Mukuro showed up to school with an untreated dislocated shoulder we were called into the headmaster's office and broke down. We spilled everything, shaking because we thought for sure if Mom got taken away that me and Mukuro would be split up by the merciless foster care system.
Thankfully we were both friends with the headmaster's, Jin Kirigiri's daughter, so he knew us fairly well. He's a pretty powerful man. He founded Hope's Peak Academy, which is one of the best schools in the nation for gifted kids. With all the special programs it facilitates and successful graduates going out to do tremendous good in the world, Jin Kirigiri is hailed as a visionary. He used his high standing to ensure that my sister and I would not be separated or even set foot in a foster home. Our mother was taken to jail and Mukuro and I were safely placed with relatives, on the condition that we could not speak with our mother for some time. No objections from me and Mukuro.
Hard to believe it had been two years since then. Mukuro and I had stuck together through it all. We had always been close, relying on each other instead of our horrid parents. That's why it was particularly upsetting to me that she had been so cold since I returned home from the hospital. We had no problem showing affection toward each other normally, but Mukuro had only offered me some platitude like “Oh, it's good to have you back,” yesterday. Seriously? What planet had I come back to? Where was my fond embrace from my adoring sister who had suffered in my absence?
“If you keep twisting your hair like that, you're gonna yank it all out,” Mukuro said, not taking her eyes off of the road.
I had been wrapping locks of my hair anxiously around my fingers the whole drive, and saw little blonde strands decorating my skirt. I instantly stopped and clasped my hands together self consciously. The last thing I needed was to add another bad habit to my list.
I turned my attention to Mukuro instead. Had she always been so pretty? It was so sunny that morning, making her jet black hair shimmer. Gods, stop it. Maybe it was the fact that I had not seen her for so long. I had to put off my epiphany from this morning and focus on what was bugging her first, then I could deal with the other...more tricky stuff.
“Hey, sis?” I asked.
“Yeah?”
“Did I happen to miss something while I was away?”
Mukuro was silent for a few beats, and I could see her visibly tense. “You were gone for a month, Junko. There are a number of things you could be referring to.”
“I meant between us, silly.”
She seemed to be mulling it over in her mind as she pulled into the Academy's parking lot. As she switched the engine off, her fingers returned to the wheel where she drummed them pensively. “Nothing.”
Bullshit. “Whaddaya mean, nothing?!”
She looked over at me, her expression even. “What did you expect?”
“If everything's fine, then why have you been acting weird around me? I thought that you would be happy to have me back home, but it's like you're...I dunno, you're just not.”
She looked straight ahead and sighed. “I didn't say that.”
I crossed my arms. “You don't have to, I can read it all over your face! It's like you don't even give a shit about me anymore.”
My sister doesn't get angry a lot, not with me. She might be the Ultimate Soldier at Hope's Peak but she's about as aggressive as a baby field mouse. That's why it was so unsettling to see the rage burning behind her blue eyes when she whipped her head back in my direction. “Of course you would say that. It's always about you, right Junko?” She opened her door, got out and slammed in my face just as quickly.
Here comes Junko to fuck everything up again, how does she do it, ladies and gents?! I cursed as I undid my seatbelt and got out of the car as well. She was walking briskly away from me and I had to power walk to match her pace. “Mukuro, come on!” I said, my voice doing that whiny, grating thing that it does when I'm getting nervous. I grabbed onto her arm and she stopped.
“How dare you say that to me, that I don't care. Do you even remember who took you to the emergency room, when you were bleeding to death? Do you?! I saved your life, you little idiot,” she said, hurt as well as anger evident in her voice now.
I barely stopped myself from saying 'you were?', because it was honestly news to me. I wasn't at the helm of my mind that night, that honor belonged to Monokuma. He's the teddy bear that I mentioned. He doesn't have much regard for real world matters, much less inflicting harm upon a human body. Under his influence, I had slit my wrists after a particularly bad panic attack one night. A fun exercise for him, but unfortunately, blood had seeped out of my veins instead of stuffing. So, so much blood. I had assumed an ambulance had to come to the house, but hearing that it was Mukuro who had to see me in that state...I felt like dirt, lower than dirt even.
I sighed. “I...I know you did. And I fucked up, alright? I should have been stronger, more like you. But it wasn't me...that night..you know?”
She looked skeptical. “No, I don't.”
My hands went up as if I was trying to gesture something but gave up. Mukuro knew about my diagnosis, how could she not? We spent nearly all of our lives together. She didn't understand it a lot of the time though, which I couldn't blame her for. “You know I'm crazy right? You've told me that.”
“So now you're trying to guilt trip me?! I wasn't trying to hurt your-”
“Nooo, god, Mukuro! I don't care what you call it, I'm messed up! That's what I'm trying to tell you about that night. I had a delusion and didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late. I didn't mean to hurt myself so badly, it was just...look, I was panicking and things escalated from there. I couldn't control it.” I wanted to scream, kick something, pretend to be someone else so I wouldn't be having this embarrassing conversation. Mukuro would have let me too. Bless her heart, she lets me get away with fucking everything. So I had to control myself this time.
She looked like she was considering what I had just said. She still trusted me at least, a good sign. I wouldn't even give myself that much credit. “So...you just got triggered or something, right? You weren't trying to die?”
I nodded, thankful that even when we were fighting we could always get on the same wavelength. “Yeah, of course! I'd never leave you, you know that.”
She didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if I had convinced her of anything.
I threw my hands up in exasperation.“You don't have to forgive me right away, in fact, you can take as long as you want, I just...want to know that you're okay. You're my most important thing. You're the only one whose opinion I give a shit about, and I figure...if I'm doing fine by you, then I can't be all that bad.”
Still silent. I was about to back off and leave her alone before she burst out laughing. “Nice speech. You're always so dramatic, you know that?”
Her smile made the weight that had been on my back evaporate instantly. I put a hand on my hip and tossed my hair to one side. “I am a fashionista, you know. It's in my nature.”
She smirked. “Next thing I know you'll be declaring your love for me.”
I froze. I could do it. The opportunity was right there.
No, even I'm not that obvious. I coughed nervously, “Pssh, well...w-we're not in some campy sisterly bonding movie.”
She stepped forward and put her arms around my neck. “I get it, alright? I love you too,” It made me feel warm all over, but also something else. Like my balance had been restored. Call me corny, but she's my twin, my other piece of myself. My first hug from her in a month! I was on the moon. I pulled her close, just to refresh myself on the feeling of her weight against mine. She didn't seem to mind.
Just then the fuckin' bell rang. I let out a complaining noise as she pulled away. “Oh, stop whining! Your first day and you're already tardy?!Really, Miss Enoshima!” Mukuro chided me jokingly before darting away.
“H-hey wait! We left all our shit in the car!” Wait, was I being the responsible twin? Maybe I did come back to a different planet.
“We'll get it later. You better hurry up, it's a race!” Mukuro called back.
I started after her, but not before I touched my cheeks. They were warm. I was blushing like a silly little schoolgirl over a dumb little hug. Girrrrrl, have you EVER got it bad.
We barely made into homeroom on time, as our faithful class representative didn't hesitate to remind us.
“Finally, Enoshima and Ikusaba! Pay attention the the clock next time, will you? A bad start on your attendance could put you at a huge deficit compared to your peers!” Kiyotaka Ishimaru was as lively as ever, standing at the front of the class in what was probably supposed to be an intimidating pose.
“Cut 'em some slack, bro,” said a rough voice from the back of the room. “Our little superstar just got out of the loony bin yesterday.”
Oh Mondo, full of charm as ever. Ishimaru responded my slamming his hands down on a desk, making half the room jump at the noise. “I was fully aware of that! I was merely holding off until Junko made it clear that she felt comfortable discussing it. And the term you used is horribly offensive, it's called a psychiatric hospital!” He was looking back at me in frantic distress, afraid that I might be wounded by Mondo's words.
Mukuro looked ready to pounce on Oowada, but I just shrugged. “Oh calm down, Taka, it's not a big deal! Oooh, watch out, I'm fresh outta the psych ward!” I put on my best crazy expression, which made Mondo burst into laughter.
“Junko, that's not funny.”
At Mukuro's steely gaze I stopped. I didn't want to get out of her good graces already. “Aww, relax sis, I was just-”I was cut off as I was grabbed from behind, someone nearly squeezing the life out of me.
“Junko, hey! Ohhh it's so good to see you!”
I couldn't even turn around, but I recognized the perky voice instantly. “Hi...Hina. Did you, uh...happen to get stronger?” I managed, gasping.
Asahina let go with a laugh. “Oops! Not really, but I did get a lot of swimming in this summer! Did you get the card we sent?”
When I was in the hospital, the whole class had signed a card and sent it to me. I'm not one that cries easily, but I have to admit that my eyes did get a little cloudy...and I might have shed a small tear...alright, I was moved, okay?? I made a mess of my eyeshadow over these guys. That's how special they are to me.
“Yeah, I did. Was that your idea?”
She shook her head. “Nope! It was Chihiro's, actually. Right Chihiro?”
The slight girl (she was wearing a dress today, so I made a note to myself to use 'she' pronouns just to be safe) came to stand beside Asahina. “W-well, when Mukuro told us what happened, I just thought it would be nice to have something to remind you of home. It wasn't that great of an idea, really...”
Asahina jabbed at her shoulder playfully. “Oh, don't be so modest! Hey, if you think I got stronger, you should feel Chihiro's grip, Junko. Me and Sakura let her join in on our workouts. I think they really helped!”
“Indeed,” a voice rumbled from behind them, and there was Asahina's massive girlfriend Sakura. “I'm also glad that you are well, Junko.”
“C'mon, show her your moves!” Asahina said, pushing Chihiro in my direction while Sakura shook her head. She probably had a breakfast full of sugar this morning.
“B-but-” Chihiro started.
“Now, now. We wouldn't want anyone to get hurt by your new found strength, would we?” said a sickly sweet, familiar voice.
I turned around to see Celes. She was one of my best friends at the Academy besides my sister, along with Kirigiri. I could see she was still looking ridiculous in that gothic lolita getup. I had told her to quit wearing it one time on account of it looked stupid, to which she responded that I was just jealous that I couldn't pull it off. I never said anything after that because she was right. “Hell yeah, now it's a party! Wish I would have had you when I was locked up, it was pretty boring.”
She put a hand over her mouth and laughed. “Is that a roundabout way of saying you missed me?”
“Still can't get anything past you, huh? Now don't stand there and tell me you're too good to hug your old pal Junko,” I said sweetly, holding out my arms.
“She may be, but I'm not,” and with that a cast iron grip enfolded me, trapping my arms to my sides.
“Easy, Kyouko, holy shit!” I shouted. “Are you gonna slap me in handcuffs next?”
“How forward of you,” Mukuro quipped, laughing as Kyouko released my arms and took my wrists behind my back just as quickly and roughly as she could. This girl is scary intense.
“Did you want me to? I'm afraid the teacher forbade me from bringing them to school with me, so I'll just have to keep you in my sight at all times.” She let go of my hands, spun me around by the shoulders and whispered in my ear. “So don't you dare try leaving us again, are we clear?”
It's funny how it takes almost dying to realize just how strongly people give a shit about you. With the exception of Mukuro, I tend to get stuck in the mindset that people are actually only tolerating my friendship or using my popularity to get somewhere. Kyouko's concern was real. “Yes, officer,” I said jokingly with a mock salute.
Mukuro put a hand on my shoulder and looked back at Kyouko. “Trust me, I'm not letting her out of my sight for a while.”
She then turned to me and winked, and wow did my knees ever go weak. Did she really have to do that?
Kyouko chuckled. “See that you do. I trust you more tha Junko herself on taking care of her well-being.”
I rolled my eyes, but I was smiling. I missed her bluntness. “Gee, thanks. Say, where's Makoto?”
“I'm here!” Speak of the devil, he had been standing behind Kyouko that whole time. He's a quiet guy, but you'll never meet anyone with a less threatening disposition. He was the first male friend I ever had who wasn't just trying to get a date, which I had appreciated immensely at the time. He was close to Mukuro too.
I surprised him by giving him a hard hug. I was going overboard with that today, it seemed. If this got outside homeroom, my reputation as a crazy, intimidating fashionista would be ruined. He had been around for Mukuro while I was away. I suspected that Mukuro was probably really shaken up after having to deal with me, so what the hell. He deserved it.“That's for keeping my sister company while she was missing my considerable self.”
He seemed a little embarrassed. “Ahh, it wasn't easy. After all, you're pretty hard to replace, you know?”
I grinned and ran a hand through my hair dramatically. “You flatter me, Mr. Naegi! Does your little girlfriend know about you flaunting your charm like that? Where is she, anyway?” I asked, scanning the room for Sayaka.
Makoto smiled shyly. “She's on still on the last leg of her tour right now, but she'll be back in a week! She offered to give you a private concert, to celebrate your coming home.”
“Ooooh, a private concert, eh? Just what does that entail?”
“Please excuse her, Makoto, being released to the outside world has my sister very excitable,” Mukuro sighed as I grinned cheekily.
I manged to say hello to everyone else before our teacher arrived. Hifumi and Yasuhiro congratulated me on my “survival”, as if I had just returned from some epic quest. Leon was happy to see me as well, though I suspected it was because he wanted to get in my good graces. The twerp had a very obvious crush on Mukuro. He proceeded to show us a bruise he had gotten over the summer, a large purple spot under his ribs. Was he trying to be manly? Did he think Mukuro was that simple, to get all wet over this his wittle boo boo? This was my apparent competition. What a joke! Still, I'd have to keep an eye on him. Even if Mukuro ended up rejecting my more-than-sisterly affections, she deserved better.
The ever prestigious Byakuya Togami barely looked up from some expensive looking book he was reading, only giving me a slight nod. Lastly there was Touko, who sat behind Byakuya and stared at him in adoration until I walked by. She looked at me in surprise. Touko and I used to be close. I mean, I'd stayed at her house before. We would gravitate to each other during parties. She had been so shy in our middle school days and I had always been very outgoing, so I was always coaxing her to try new things, sing karaoke with us, or terrorize the boys with the rest of us girls. Soon enough, she pulled herself out of her sad, reclusive shell and became close with all of us.
Around that time, my mom was still in my life and raging. Touko turned out to be an excellent listener. When I couldn't sleep and Mukuro wasn't awake, she and I would text back and forth, sometimes until we had to go to school the next morning. She also had a weird side to her, like me. Well, maybe not entirely like me. Touko was just Touko, whereas I had a mental condition that made me act out on occasion. Still, it worked out.
When her novel got published and I started modeling, something changed. Now, I'm not trying to be haughty here, but I honestly believe she was jealous. I was the object of every teenage boy's affections and yes, a good many girls too. Mercy. My face was in all the teen magazines that were circulating. People would ask for my autograph at school. Book writing just doesn't get you the same kind of fame. We had a huge fight eventually. I called her a bitch, she called me a slut, blah blah blah. You get the idea. It wasn't pretty.
Since then our relationship had been pretty tense. We would get into fights every now and then. She caught me on a day when I was using my princess persona. Possibly my most patronizing character, who wears a crown and talks down to everyone she meets. She and Touko must have exchanged a lot of harsh words because she didn't speak to me for weeks after that incident and I woke up in the detention hall. I don't always remember how I act when I experience a dissociation, but Mukuro filled me in, telling me that I had been spouting off about how meager my classmates' accomplishments were in the grand scheme of things and Touko had taken it personally. I had insulted Touko's audience to her writing after all, her biggest fans. So apparently we made a huge scene fighting in the middle of class. Fuck, I wish I could remember it, just to see Touko's wrath in action!
Okay, maybe I felt a little guilty, but that sort of thing is nothing new. It was just like the Monokuma incident. When I get into a new personality, it's near impossible to stop. Therapy had been helping, and so far I hadn't done anything like that since the night I was taken to the hospital. If I could get rid of my psychosis, or at least keep it under some semblance of control, it might ease up on some of the resentment Touko and I still had towards each other. Keeping grudges is too exhausting, especially when you're me and have more important shit to be worried about.
So, with every intention of being as polite as I could be, I raised my hand in a little wave. She stood up abruptly from her seat, her chair making a horrible screeching noise across the floorboards. Togami even looked up, his eyes flicking between the two of us suspiciously. Probably thinking we were going to get in a fight and whether or not he should move before things got ugly. Smart.
“W-welcome back...” she said with an odd stutter, something I had not heard her do for years. “Excuse me, I..l-left something in the restroom,” she managed to say before darting out of homeroom, ignoring Ishimaru's yelling about her lack of taking a hall pass.
I turned back around to find everyone else turn away just as fast, apparently having been watching the two of us. I groaned and found my assigned seat, sinking down into it. “What's her fuckin' problem? I was just trying to be nice.”
“To be fair, Touko might not be expecting you to be so civil towards her, considering...past incidents,” Celes said.
“Indeed. Just keep your distance for now, she'll come around on her own if she intends to do so at all,” Kyoko agreed, looking at the door thoughtfully.
I sulked. Nobody even acknowledged how courteous I was! No good deed goes unpunished. Still, if the only one giving me any grief was Touko then I should consider myself lucky. She wasn't the only one that I had abused over the years, that was for sure. I'd worry about her later, as our homeroom teacher had decided to finally make his entrance.