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Chris planted his hands on the counter and took a deep breath. Okay, okay, we can do this. He thought to himself. It’s just a fucking chicken alfredo, it can’t be that hard. He’d be the first to admit that he was not the world's most prolific chef, but he'd also be damned if he'd let some food instructions get the best of him.
He started by placing the chicken breasts over the heated olive oil in the skillet, seasoning with salt and pepper before letting them cook for about eight minutes on either side. Alright, so far so good. The ten minutes of rest needed before slicing the chicken gave him some time to read ahead in the recipe to find out what else he was up against here. He poured the necessary cup and a half for both the milk and chicken broth, offering what was likely more caution than necessary with the measurements.
Over the noise he was making in the kitchen he could hear a set of keys find their way into the front door. Chris couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face knowing that his husband was home. Not that he had anything to hide, it just caught him off guard sometimes how utterly in love he was. He heard the door open and Leon step through, followed by the shuffling of taking off shoes and a jacket, punctuated by him walking further into the home and another door opening and closing. Chris made no attempt to get his attention before he could get into their room. They knew each other. They knew how unspeakably exhausted they both felt when coming home from anything work-related. It was familiar to them for one to hear the other return but not see him for a few minutes while he got out of his work clothes and decompressed. So Chris continued to cook, knowing he could expect Leon to join him soon enough to chide his culinary efforts.
The milk and chicken broth were both were added to the skillet along with two cloves of minced garlic. He wasn’t sure if he was using the right amount of salt and pepper, but the recipe called for more of it so who was he to disobey orders. Looking back to the directions Chris frowned. What the fuck is fettuccine? He tried to reason why there had to be several thousand different words for noodles while he stirred it in.
After letting the pasta cook for eight minutes, stirring in heavy cream and parmesan, and adding the sliced chicken Chris let out a sigh of relief. He'd managed to get through the recipe without burning anything this time. Was it edible? Fuck if he knew, but he knew exactly who did. He could call for Leon to let him know that dinner was ready. Or he could go in there and steal a few kisses as an appetizer. He took off his apron and started walking to their room, but on the way something caught his eye. He stopped in front of the coat rack and frowned. Leon’s new black leather jacket sat lax and wrinkled at the base of the rack, which was extremely suspicious. There’s no way Leon would let any of his jackets, let alone one he’d gotten so recently, just lay on the floor like this. Hell, he really wouldn’t let any kind of mess sit for that matter. Not if he could help it. Something’s gotta be wrong with him. Chris thought.
Chris approached the door to their room and made multiple attempts at knocking. Gently first and then slightly harder a couple times more. When there was no sign of Leon’s acknowledgement he decided that he’d just have to go in anyways. Thankfully, the door hadn’t been locked, and with a faint creak it slowly swung open.
Leon was sat at the edge of their bed. His head was in his hands, elbows pressed into his knees, and his hair balled into tight fists. Chris tested the waters by softly addressing him.
“Leon?”
Leon didn’t respond. Instead, he continued to mutter something under his breath that Chris couldn’t quite make out. But while the words were incomprehensible the tone was clear, he was not okay right now. This only became more evident as Chris moved closer to meet him on the bed.
“Leon, what’s going on?”
Chris wasn’t sure what to think when the muttering stopped.
“I’m fine.”
Chris extended a hand to one of the ones in Leon’s hair, gingerly wrapping his fingers around in hopes of loosening his grip. He began slowly running his thumb along Leon’s hand, but barely got the beginning of his name out before Leon swatted Chris’ hand away.
“I said I’m fine.”
The tone was noticeably harsher, as if in between stabs time had been made to sharpen the knife. Chris exhaled lightly in contemplation, taking a moment to form his response. He reminded himself that, despite whatever your wishes may be, you cannot always help your partner. There are times when the best thing you can do for them is nothing at all. Perhaps Leon truly did need to be alone right now.
Leon resumed mumbling. However, this time Chris could make out what he was saying.
“Why wasn’t I there, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, why wasn’t I there, I’m sorry I failed, I failed, I failed, I--”
His mouth suddenly snapped shut, cut off by the shock of a strong grip on his wrist. He had started to bring his hand back to his head, but it was instead met with another. Chris wasn't sure what was going on, but he was sure that Leon wasn't in any state to be left alone right now.
“Chris…?”
Leon was so tense, even the single word came out strained, his voice cracking halfway through.
“Leon...” Chris started, unsure of where this would go. “Please look at me."
Shakingly, his hand eased its grip on his hair, fingers loosening bit by bit. As the grip lessened he slowly turned to face him. Eyebrows knitted together, he made an attempt at taking a deep breath before bringing his eyes up to meet Chris’.
"What's going on, Leon? What's wrong?"
Leon looked away in thought.
“...I--” he took in a sharp breath.
“Leon?”
Leon let out a high pitched whine in response. His eyes squeezed shut as his breathing accelerated.
Oh no. Chris thought. Fuck, shit, fuck. He’s- this is a panic attack. Fuck, what am I supposed to do here again? He sure as shit can’t remember, all he really knows is he needs to get Leon to calm down, and he can’t do that if he’s panicking as well.
Guess I’m gonna have to wing it.
Chris’ hand shifted from Leon’s wrist to thread their fingers together. He gave a gentle squeeze in an attempt to get Leon’s attention back on him. Leon gripped his hand tight in response, but choked on his next gasp in the beginnings of a sob. He seemed unable to do anything but fight for air as a steady stream of tears ran down his face.
Fuck, shit, okay. He’s doing his best to remain calm, but there’s nothing he can do to wipe the pained expression off his face at the sound. He can’t help but hold on tighter to Leons hand, the only real way he can let out his stress and offer some sort of support at the moment.
“Leon, can you hear me? I need you to breathe.”
Head down, Leon made an attempt to regulate his breathing. Deep in, slow out. But air refused to come easy to him, and he quickly returned to rapid, desperate gasps. He shook his head frantically before looking up to Chris. His eyes barely open enough to meet Chris’ own.
“Can’t-- I can’t--” He tore his gaze away, unable to keep it up while trying to get more oxygen into his lungs.
Chris pulled Leon into his chest, the arm that wasn't holding his hand wrapping around his shoulders. He knew damn well that holding him too tight and further constricting his breathing would only hurt more than it would help, but fuck if his concern didn’t leave him longing to all but crush Leon against himself. If his thoughts could just slow down, even for a second, he might’ve been able to come up with a solution. But as he felt the other man’s tears run down his neck and soak into his shirt, it was all he could do to not start crying himself.
I need to focus. He thought, taking a deep breath. As he did, the sensation of his chest pushing against Leon’s gave him an idea. Slowly, he inhaled and exhaled, and steadily continued on this way. Despite the urgency of his words his voice came out softly, imploring Leon to try and focus on the rise and fall of his chest. Chris closed his eyes, honing his thoughts on keeping the rhythm of his breath reliable like the beat of a drum. His own worry didn’t matter right now. In this moment, all that was important was guiding Leon out of his spiral and to repose. Even time ceased to be any sort of a priority. He’d decided that this would take as long as it needed, and not a second less. Gradually, Leon’s shaky breath found Chris’, and though it hesitated at first it eventually began to follow. His uncontrolled pleas for air eased into longer, calmer respirations, until the two of them were breathing in time, as if as one. When they reached that state it was apparent they were content to stay that way. Chris was just glad to have calmed Leon down from his panic. However, in the back of his mind he resumed worrying about the situation and what could be upsetting his husband so much. But he knew that he wasn’t the one who had to set the pace here. He would wait with all the patience in the world for Leon to be ready to continue.
Chris didn’t have to wait too long--or at least it didn’t seem that way--before Leon stirred and slowly pulled his head away from the crook of Chris’ neck to gently press their foreheads together. For the first time since he got home he breathed deeply. Inhale, exhale.
“Okay… okay, I’m alright. Thank you, Chris.”
Chris, unable to fight his heart welling up with emotion, lightly nuzzled into Leon before the other pulled away to speak. If he was partly trying to hide the teary smile he’d broken into at his words he did a poor job of it. As Leon began talking Chris felt his hand move away. He didn’t try to catch it, though, knowing that Leon just needed to be able to freely move his hands in order to properly convey his thoughts.
“I… met the new president today.” he started. Chris let the silence hang a moment, to decide if Leon was going to continue or if he should interject. Ultimately things pointed to the latter.
“What did he want to talk about?”
It was apparent that Leon’s responses were going to come slowly, succeeding drawn out breaths. In any other situation, with anyone else, this might have been a test of Chris’ patience. But right now, here, with him? Not even in the slightest.
“President Coleman asked me to meet him so we could discuss the events of the Tall Oaks incident.”
“I see.” Chris nodded. “Was there anything specific he wanted to know?”
“Yeah. He wanted to hear the story from my point of view.”
“He wanted to know what you saw.”
“Pretty much.”
As he spoke Leon ran his fingers along his wedding ring, rotating it to a deliberate rhythm. It seemed to somewhat help him to keep calm, Chris thought. But he soon noticed Leon’s hand trembling against the ring.
“I didn’t want to do it, Chris. I couldn’t even move my finger to pull the trigger until he was already lunging at Helena.”
Helena’s name rang a faint bell in his mind, but Chris couldn’t recall who she was enough to understand.
“Wh-- Leon, what are you talking about?” he kept his voice as level as he could through his surprise.
“He was my friend. Had he gone after me I can’t say I would’ve done anything before he tried to bite. But… but I can’t make that decision for somebody else, and so I… I… fuck--” Leon’s arms were flung around Chris’ sides and his face buried deep in his chest.
Oh no--shit, shit, is he panicking again? It wasn’t as bad as before--his breathing was much steadier this time--but he was still clearly struggling with breaching the subject. Chris rested a hand in Leon’s hair, softly massaging his scalp in hopes of soothing him. If he needed to let it out that was fine, but Chris had to make sure he didn’t spiral out of control.
Leon lifted his head just barely off of Chris’ chest and took some time to collect himself once more. His words came out in whispers.
“I shot him… I shot the president…”
It only took the answer but all the pieces finally clicked into place in Chris’ mind.
“You had to shoot Adam Benford?”
Leon couldn’t respond with words, but instead merely a strained “mhmmm” noise accompanied by nodding his head with tears welling up in his eyes.
Fuck. Wow, nice one, Chris. Solid consoling job. He internally shook off his self criticisms and returned his focus to his distressed husband. Jesus, shit, the love of his life was crying his eyes out in his lap because he had to shoot the president, his friend, who turned into a zombie. This sucked. He’d gotten a report of the Tall Oaks incident, detailing the president’s plan to unveil the truth of Racoon City to the public and the subsequent attack from Neo-Umbrella. It also went into the slightly hard to ignore fact that the president was infected by the attack and had to be killed. Leon’s presence at the incident was a given, as he was working with President Benford on the event. His involvement in Adam’s death, however? Now that wasn’t included in the report.
“Leon… I’m so sorry, I never knew.”
“It’s my fault. It’s my fault that he’s dead.”
“He was infected”
“I shot him.”
“He was already dead because of the infection.”
“I shot him.”
Alright, well, time to try a different angle.
“What else makes you think that it was your fault?”
“I was tasked with pretty standard security measures for the event, since the Secret Service were gonna be doing all the heavy lifting on that front. Besides, I wasn’t exactly on duty on account of me being there to corroborate the story of Racoon City. But then, I noticed all the agents had dispersed, and so I tried to figure out what the fuck was going on. Turns out there were rumors of an assassin on campus. When I heard they’d only left one agent with President Benford while he was being escorted to a safe room I went to him as fast as I could. But, I was… I didn’t...”
Leon cut himself off with an abrupt shake of his head.
“It doesn’t matter. I should have insisted on being with him. I should have pushed harder for better security. He was going to reveal the United States’ ties to Umbrella. I told him there would be an attack.”
The situation was caught in an unproductive loop. There was something else under this that was the root of Leon’s hurt. All he had to do now was convince Leon to find it.
“Leon..” he looked up at Chris. “It’s not your fault that Adam’s gone, or that he got infected in the first place. You know this, so, what else is upsetting you?”
Leon’s gaze left Chris. He let out a frustrated noise before shaking his head rapidly.
“I don’t-- I’m not-- I--” He was tugging at his ring now, clearly agitated at being unable to articulate his own problem.
Chris moved his hand forward to stop Leon's, the skin on his finger was going to become raw if he kept up the constant fidgeting. He pulled it up to place a kiss on the reddened area before speaking again.
“When, today, did this start? What were you doing?” Leon’s shoulders relaxed a bit. This, at least, seemed easier to answer.
“It definitely happened when I was in the Oval Office with him. It...” Chris waited, watching Leon search his own memory for the initial event. “It started as soon as I walked in. Though I think it was subtle at first. Which is why I didn’t notice it happening.”
Now they were getting somewhere. “What was in the office that upset you then?”
Leon jolted at that, curling in on himself for a second before stopping himself. Turning the hand that was still in Chris’ loose grip to pull it towards himself to mess with his fingers instead. Chris gave him a moment to recover, whatever he’d said had made something click, now he just had to wait.
Leon threw his head back and let out a harsh breath. His eyebrows so furrowed it looked like he would burn a hole in the ceiling with his glare.
“It wasn’t what was in the room Chris. He wasn’t in it. He wasn’t there.”
Everything clicked into place for Chris with that fact. It made sense now. Oh, Leon..
“I guess…” Leon didn’t fight the beginnings of tears. “I guess, I just miss him.”
Maybe talking about Adam himself, rather than how he died, would be more helpful for Leon right now. Chris thought it was certainly worth a try. And if things started getting to be too much the subject could be changed, or even dropped altogether if need be. But for now this seemed like the safest way to approach the topic.
“What was he like?”
Leon took a moment to breathe deeply in contemplation.
“When I was with USSTRATCOM, Adam was the only one who even acknowledged me. Let alone respected me.” There was a pause. “One of the last things he ever told me was how much he valued our friendship.”
Chris felt himself welling up with emotion. He knew how rough that time had been for Leon, in no small part thanks to how utterly alone he was then. A sense of gratitude washed over him for the man who offered a genuine friendship in Leon’s life during that time.
“He was devoted to fighting bioterrorism and bringing Umbrella to justice.” Leon continued. “He was a great man, a great friend, and he could have done so much more good for the world. Even beyond exposing the truth of Racoon City to the public.”
Chris’ hand made small, soothing circles against Leon’s upper back.
He started softly, not wanting to interrupt Leon if he wasn’t done. “He sounds like he was a great man to me too. I didn’t get to work with him, but I’m glad you got to have him in your life.”
Leon looked back to him then, a sad smile gracing his lips. “Yeah, me too.”
He relaxed a bit at that, his eyes falling shut. Chris moved his hand from Leons back up to his face brushing his thumb against the skin under his eyes, carefully wiping away the remnants of tears. Leon leaned into the touch as his arms found their way around Chris’ torso and brought him into a gentle squeeze.
“I didn’t want to shoot him, Chris.” he repeated. Chris gingerly tightened his hold on Leon for a moment and pressed a kiss to his forehead, speaking low and soft.
“I know, Leon. He wasn’t just an infected to you. None of them are.”
Leon’s arms pulled Chris to him tighter.
“Chris…” Leon breathed. The other perked up and made a questioning tone at his mention. “You know, after going through so much shit, it’s really easy to get stuck in the thought that everything is fucked and that’s all it’ll ever be. That fate must have it out for me, specifically. But then…” he lifted his head to hold Chris’ gaze. “But then I’m with you. And suddenly, I feel so god damn lucky. Despite all the bullshit with viruses and zombies and bioterrorists, so long as I have you somehow I feel like I’ve still come out on top.”
Chris couldn’t manage a response past a tearful, goofy smile. After a few moments of fumbling and failing through the beginnings of multiple different thoughts he gave up on words and settled for an impassioned kiss.
“Leon, I don’t know what the fuck I’d do without you. When the world feels like everything is constantly changing you remain a constant. And, I know I’ve already said this before...” he lifted up his hand, bringing attention to the ring fit comfortably around his finger. “But I hope it stays that way forever.” he was about to bring his hand back down before Leon grabbed it and planted a kiss on the ring, followed by another on his palm, and several more in various places on his face. At this point they had both dissolved into blushing, tearful, affectionate messes. And it seemed that they were more than content to stay that way for a bit.
It took them some time to calm down from their love-drunk shenanigans, but eventually they managed. They stayed there in bed tangled up in each other, breathing in time, until they were on the cusp of sleep.
“FUCK.”
Their minute of repose was interrupted by Chris’ loud explicative, Leon’s head shooting up with a confused yelp.
“I WAS MAKING DINNER.”
Leon paused before breaking into a heartfelt laugh, clinging to Chris’ shoulder for stability.
“And I think I did an alright job this time, too, and now it’s cooooooold!” Chris was practically pouting, but in his defense, he was looking forward to cooking for Leon.
“I’m sure you did great,” He said, patting Chris’ arm in a poor attempt at consoling him. “Is it something that can be saved?”
Chris took a moment to think about it. He gathered up all the knowledge he gained from reading through the recipe thousands of times. “Maaaybe, but--” he heaved a heavy sigh, “I was hoping it would be fresh.”
“Hmmm.” Leon bit at the side of his finger, thinking. “ Well, how about we order in for tonight, and then tomorrow we can cook it together? That sound good?”
Chris offered an enthusiastic smile at the idea. Cooking with Leon? That sounded like a perfect way to spend his time.
“Yeah.” He nodded, before leaning in to give Leon a chaste kiss. “Yeah, I’d love that.”
“Alright then, let’s go figure out what we’re gonna eat tonight.” Leon moved to get up off the bed, taking hold of Chris’ arm to bring him along. With the only thing on their minds being potential dinner options, they left their room, arms linked together.