Archive of Our Own

You were supposed to be getting back today, right? So I figured I’d welcome you back and say I hope you had a good trip and a safe flight home. Especially with the weather they’re having out where you are right now. Or it just might have missed you. I hope it missed you because it would be terrible to be flying back into a blizzard after all that time in the sun by the beach.

So yeah, I hope you had a great vacation and took lots of photos of everything you saw, especially those ruins you said you’d be hiking to. I wish I had it in me to take an adventure vacation like that, but I guess I can live vicariously through you. Seriously, the pictures you took from when you went down south were amazing – some of those sites aren’t open to the public, are they? But you’ve got the university connections that take you there.

Someday I’m going to take you up on one of the offers you keep making and go with you. Next time, I swear it’s not just going to be me talking. I’ve even started saving up the money.

Seriously, for real this time.

Hey, just wondering what’s up? You were supposed to get back last week, weren’t you? Or am I wrong? I’ve been looking forward to hearing from you and it’s not like you to not respond so I’m kind of worried.

I guess just shoot me an email to let me know you’re okay.

I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you like that. I was so busy that I must have missed your email. You don’t need to worry. Getting home was an adventure. At the last minute it turned out the flight was delayed because of the weather. The pilot actually had to turn around and go back to the gate. They promised that we’d depart within two hours and didn’t let us get off the plane. Of course after two hours we were told ninety more minutes and then then you know what happened from following the weather. My vacation ended up lasting three more days. Luckily I was able to get a hotel so I didn’t end up camped in the airport like that one time.

Needless to say that when I finally got home my priorities were sleep and get laundry done in that order.

I waited until the next day to pick Gompa up from the sitter and he’s still out of sorts. Usually he’s so happy to see me when I get home, but the past few days he’s been so aloof.

Well, I’m glad you’re home even if Gompa is upset about you taking so long. I saw the pictures you posted on the forum and they’re amazing. You said there are more too!?! Any way I could get a sneak peek of them or are you waiting to get them all organized?

I’ll admit, it’s been boring waiting for you to get back, especially after the ordeal you went through getting home. I don’t blame you for taking a week to get back to me after going through that. At least your luggage got home fine.

It did get home and isn’t in Guam or something, right? I know one time I flew to visit relatives and my luggage never left the airport and was waiting for me when I got back.

It’s the strangest thing – those pictures I said I was going to post, all the wildlife pictures I took – they’re missing. Or not missing exactly, but they’re all blurry like something went wrong with my digital camera. All of the pictures from that day are a mess. I’d been hoping it was just a matter of resizing them, but I’ve had no luck. It’s such a disappointment too, because I was hoping that someone could identify the type of cat in them. It was far too large to be anything domestic, but well out of the range of any large cats historically native to the area.

Actually, I was hoping you could identify the cat. You say that you’re just a hobbyist with a hobbyist’s knowledge, but you’re a real fount of knowledge when it comes to anything cat related.

It was by the river that was in some of the pictures so I was able to get some picture of what I’d thought were its paw prints. They were huge, which, if they belonged to the cat would have given you a good sense of scale. The spread of them and how deep the holes from its claws were made me glad that we didn’t see it a second time.

You mentioned wanting to see pictures of Ozzy, so here he is from the CFA show and back home! He didn’t do as well as I’d like, but there’s a lot of politics going on with the breed and one of the judges is biased against his line. She got bit once after being too rough with the sweetest little girl, Ozzy’s great-aunt actually, and now she thinks all bronze Maus mean. Then she found out Ozzy’s parentage I don’t know what standard she was using to score him other than pulling the numbers out of her…

It’s a shame about your pictures though. I’d really wanted to see them. Not just because of the color and pattern of the animal you described, but because of the paw prints you saw too. I don’t think they were from your mystery cat though if you saw marks from claws. Cats keep their claws retracted when they walk so all you see are the pads. You might have photographed paw prints from a dog that had passed through the area some time before because there aren’t any cats that where the claws would be visible, unless you saw a very lost cheetah, which is ridiculous. Just in case though, maybe you should check if any local zoos in the area had any escapees. Lol

Though from everything but the color it sounded more like a snow leopard than a cheetah, but even then it doesn’t make sense.

Ozzy is so cute! It’s a shame about him not doing better in the show though. Better luck next time.

I know the thing sounds unbelievable. If I can I’ll try and get one of the pictures of it or at least the footprints fixed. I’d say the files got corrupted, but it’s not like that. The pictures are just all out of focus. Maybe I made a mistake with one of the camera settings that day.

Sorry I didn’t write back sooner. Beetle was sick for three days straight. I made bacon and eggs for our breakfast (I spoil them, I know) and when I wasn’t looking Beetle went into the kitchen and licked the pan I cooked the bacon in clean. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up after her, giving her sponge baths. I’ll spare you the details of what else was necessary when a cat eats that much bacon grease.

On the bright side I finally got around to removing the carpet in the guest room. I just wish it hadn’t been because Beetle hid under the bed in there all afternoon.

So caring for a sick cat and starting home renovation projects has been my week. I hope yours has been better.

This was the best I could do with the pictures. The colors are right at least.

No clue why the file size is so huge for them though. I have no clue what I did with the camera to make that happen.

That’s really all I can say to the pictures, of the cat at least. It’s tail was so long, and were those red spots eyes? There shouldn’t have been eye shine like that during the day and they’re so big! Are there monkeys in the place where you were? Because that wasn’t a cat! At least no any cat I’ve ever heard of. It was like one of those creepy old paintings where the artist would draw an animal, but do it wrong for some reason and give it a human face. Except I couldn’t see the things face. Just a blur far too big for the body and those red spots. Was it shaking its head?

The paw prints were a little more clear. Much less creepy, but they were still creepy. I really think it was a monkey, not a cat. The pads look right, but the toes are way, way too long. They look more like fingers and the claws! I would have been terrified if I saw that thing. You’re so much braver than me!

Really, I think it was a creepy monkey. With those long toes. Maybe it just walked like a cat? Which would explain why the paw prints are so hard to make out? Because it looks like it was putting its back paws in the same place as its front paws, just like cats do to make less noise. Except then it was putting its back paws to the opposite front paw.

That’s the only way I can explain the way it looks like the paws have toes like that. Monkeys have thumbs on their feet? Right? So a monkey walking like that would look like it has two toes in the middle and a thumb on each side.

Are you sure it’s not a cat? It sounded like a cat. Like a little housecat. It chirped and yowled and made the most awful sounds

Speaking of cats, I saw that you updated your profile picture on the forum. I’m assuming that the cat in it is Beetle.

Yes! That’s the little princess herself. Isn’t she the cutest thing ever?

And I really, really don’t think that was a cat. I deleted the pictures a few days after you sent them to me because they were just too creepy. The email where you sent them was the first email from you that I deleted. Seeing it in my inbox was just too I don’t know. It felt like the thing was watching me. Seeing those red eyes.

You probably think I’m a crazy cat lady talking like that. I know I’m being silly. I know. Except those eyes. You saw them in person and you can still sleep! That really does make you so much braver than I am.

Beetle’s a cute cat, but I thought your old picture was much cuter.

My old profile picture?

You mean the one of me in that silly hat I wore for my cousin’s party?

Yes, that was the picture. I shouldn’t have said that though. It was out of bounds.

I really need to think before I say things like that.

I’m flattered that you think I’m cute. Especially in that silly hat.

Or did you mean silly cute and not cute cute?

But if you liked the old picture I can change it back. I didn’t realize how recognizable I was by that hat. Everyone on the site is commenting about it. You saw the Photoshop that one kid – ERR0R1355 is the name he posts by (I really don’t get that name and I feel silly every time I mention him or reply to one of his posts) made, right? The one where he put that hat on Beetle? Everyone’s saying that should be my profile picture so they know it’s me.

I saw the thread where he posted that picture.

It’s up to you which picture you use though. If Beetle makes you happy use her.

How’s redoing the guest room by the way? I ask because I’ve got a repair project of my own going on. The living room window broke last night. I never even heard it break. I just woke up cold. No idea how I slept through that.

Wow! That’s awful. And Gompa didn’t even bark and wake you up?

The guest room is getting done a little at a time. The floor is cleanish now. I hadn’t realized the amount of damage Grumpsey did back when he claimed that room for himself. I really miss that old tom, even if it meant I felt like I was replacing blinds every month. The floor is all clean though. I’m going to get that fake barn wood snap-on stuff I saw advertised on TV for the new floor, make a nice rustic looking little room for company. If I ever get company (hint-hint if you ever want to get away from the cold for a vacation that’s not an adventure for a change). First I want to paint the walls though. I like having a project to keep me busy in between the kitties. No one’s out on the show circuit right now and I’m still waiting for Cleo’s tests to come back before I start seriously looking for a mate for her. She’s got the perfect build, her head and eyes are the most proportional of any cat I’ve ever had, I just need to find a smoke tom that has strong markings. Then her kittens are bound to be some of the winningest cats you’ll ever see.

I was thinking of a light green for the walls. Unless you have a better idea.

Gompa ran away.

Oh no! When the window broke? Why didn’t you say something? Keep me posted and let me know as soon as he’s back.

I’ll keep the two of you in my prayers.

I’m sure he’ll be back in no time at all.

He’d been out of sorts ever since I got back. I don’t know what was wrong. Maybe I should have paid more attention, but he was eating fine. I just thought he was upset at me. It seems silly, that a little dog could hold a grudge, but you were the one who said that Lhasa’s were very spiritual dogs. I’ve always had one, ever since I was little because they’re good little dogs, not fussy or frou-frou, but with Gompa maybe you’re right.

Thank you and I hope you’re right.

I’m worried about you. I don’t know why, but I am. With Gompa gone it makes sense that you’re not posting on the forums as much, but I miss seeing you there. I hadn’t really noticed how much you’d kind of tapered off with keeping up there, but you really haven’t been there much. I can understand getting tired of the people there though. All the drama lately.

But it’s been a while since I’ve heard from you and I’m worried about you.

You’re not tired of me too, right?

No! Please don’t even say that. I’m not tired of you. Not at all! Gompa’s not back, but I’m fine.

Really, I’m fine.

Remember, I’m here for you. Anything you need to say.

And if there’s anything I can do for you don’t hesitate even a second. You know I’ll do whatever I can for you. I know it sounds so silly when we’re just emailing back and forth, but I really consider you a friend. My best friend even and this isn’t the time, I know, but next time you go on one of your trips I’m going with you! I promise you and I promise myself. It’s time for me to stop being afraid and go on an adventure for once!

I had a nightmare about those eyes again.

Please give me your phone number or something. I sound like such a stalker or crazy cat lady, but I’m really worried and I want to hear your voice. Talk with you to make the trip with you feel real.

Sometimes everything feels so fake and distant online, like we’re not real. But I am and you are two. There’re times I wish that things were still more personal, like when people hand wrote letters and brought them to the post office.

But then we wouldn’t have met, would we? By chance on a forum about pets so I don’t know.

Your last email was exactly what I needed. SO much has been going on, I think I had a nervous breakdown but I’m fine now.

Seeing that email from you waiting in my inbox did me a world of good.

So I suppose it’s my turn to be the silly one, saying that an email could mean so much.

A nervous breakdown!?!

That’s horrible! I’m so glad you’re alright. I’d say you should take a vacation, but would that help? I don’t know what to say or do.

I’m glad that my email was what you needed though. It really made my day. More than made my day. Just knowing that I’m there for you.

Let me know if you’re up for some cute cat pic, okay? I’ve got some perspective toms I’m looking at for Cleo.

I know cats aren’t your thing, but I want to show you anyway.

When it’s time for the kittens you can name one, or all of them, or even have one if it comes to that.

I lied. I things aren’t fine. I was in the hospital. Something happened. I’m so sorry.

I need to think.

Need to think?

What’s that mean?

Did I say something stupid?

Was it the cat pictures joke?

Was it too soon?

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to talk like I was suggesting you replace Gompa.

You’re not a crazy cat lady. If anyone’s crazy it might be me.

I’ve been to so many places, seen so many places, but you’re the one who believes in these things not me. I don’t wish it on you, but maybe you’d understand. I certainly don’t. There has to be an explanation, there has to be, but the simplest one, the only rational one is that I’m crazy.

I had a nightmare and when I woke up there was blood. I know exactly what you’re going to say, that I cut myself in my sleep and you’re not wrong. There were scratches.

Scratches like the iridescent stripes on the thing I saw.

They washed away when I took a shower so maybe it was just a dream. I’ve bene having nightmares too so that’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

I’m sorry to have brought it up like that when you’ve said it gave you nightmares, but please don’t be afraid. It was just a cat in the jungle. Just a cat.

Harmless and far away and gone.

Gone. I even gave up and deleted the pictures myself. It’s just going to be a mystery, another strange thing someone saw in the woods.

You said that you went to the hospital because of a breakdown. Did they at least recommend a doctor to you? And are you going?

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, believe me. I’ve mentioned the doctor appointments I go to once a month, even talked about it on the forum. I’ve had issues with bipolar since my last year of high school. I don’t like to talk about it online because I’m not an expert on anyone’s condition other than myown. I don’t believe in online diagnosis and won’t even google my symptoms when I’m sick, but I think you should see a doctor and talk about what you’re experiencing. Please, I’m saying this as a friend and it’s something I wish a friend had said to me back when I started college. I struggled for two years and it just got worse until I finally ended up in the hospital after drinking too much at a party. One of the doctors, bless him, realized there was more going on than my being drunk and he asked the right questions and pointed me in the direction of people who could help me.

I’m sorry if I’m oversharing, but I realize I should be more honest about things. I hope I’m not going to frighten you off.

Like I say, I’m no doctor or expert, but there are resources and people out there who can help you. I know it can be hard, you’re a college professor and asking for help probably isn’t something a woman like you is used to, but please, try.

I feel so awful about the crazy cat lady jokes I’ve made. You have no idea how sorry I am. I never knew. I never even suspected.

I feel terrible thinking of what I said and the jokes I joined in on on the forums.

I feel even worse that you thought sharing something like that would frighten me off. You’ve been nothing but wonderful and concerned and you have no idea how much I appreciate you always being there for me. As soon as I start planning my next trip I’ll let you know.

I look forward to finally getting to meet you in person.

Please, don’t feel bad. I’m usually the one who makes those jokes as a way of breaking the ice online. Besides, I breed and show cats for a living, so saying I’m a crazy cat lady has nothing to do with my mental health, it’s my profession! Or did you not see my forum signature is a link? I’d have thought you’d have at least noticed that my signature of the forum is ‘Self-diagnosed crazy cat lady six years and counting’ (that’s how long my cattery’s officially been open, though I was showing well before that). If you’ve not clicked it, please do! I’m so proud of the website I have set up (it took a lot of help though – there’s a reason so many of my posts on the forum are in the ‘tech help’ section) and I just updated some of the pictures there.

And I hate to ruin things by being serious here, but you’re deflecting. I’d like to think that we’re close enough to talk about things like this. I’m worried.

Please, don’t worry. It was late when I sent you that email. Right when I got out of the shower and I was still panicking from the nightmare. Once it was morning I felt so silly sending it to you. It’s funny the way it being light out makes everything less frightening. Thinking about the thing at night was horrifying, but during the day it’s just a cat.

The good news though, it that Gompa’s fine. I was out walking the other day and I saw a family out for a walk. Gompa was with them. I went over to talk to them and it turned out that they found Gompa the morning after he got out because I always took his collar off at night they had no way of knowing he was mine and they’d put posters up all up and down the street they lived on. I never saw them because they live three streets down from me. Can you imagine Gompa getting that far in one night? He must have run straight through until morning.

The two little girls were so happy showing Gompa off to me, they called him Billy because of his beard and their father was amazed at how well behaved he was when they found him. The little girls comb his fur every day and they’d even put nail polish on his claws. Their father said that Gompa was the best dog he’d ever met.

Gompa seemed so happy with them and for some reason he was still upset with me, maybe he always wanted to be a family pet and is happier with two little girls to give him all the attention he wants. I never mentioned to them that he was my dog, even though I recognized him immediately, I just said that he was a lucky little dog and they were lucky to have him.

Knowing that Gompa is safe and happy was such a weight off of me. I slept soundly that night for the first time since he ran away. I think I won’t be having any more nightmares.

I’m happy for you and Gompa. I just wish that he’d ended up going home with you, but if it made the two little girls happy it was probably the right thing for you to do even if it was difficult.

Oh and I’m still reading through your latest post on the forum. I can see why it took so long for you to get your last travel adventure organized and written up to share. It wasn’t just the flight delay! I’v just gotten to the part about the sudden rainstorm and the trail getting washed out. I’d have panicked if I were there with you and I don’t know what I’d have done then, being trapped out in the jungle like that, thunder and rain so hard that you couldn’t see. Then again, maybe if I were with you I wouldn’t be afraid.

You’ve got such a way with words when you write your travel stories that I’m on the edge of my seat, wondering what’s going to happen next and worrying about you, which is silly because I know you made it home fine, but I still want to know how you made it out of that situation!

Wait until you get to the part about what I ate for lunch on my second to last day of the trip.

Consider that a teaser to whet your appetite because I don’t want to spoil the surprise for you.

We’ve been back and forth on the forums so much that I’ve been slacking off with the emails, but I didn’t want to mention this on the forum in case there’s a reason you hadn’t mentioned it. I noticed that your posts are all at very different times from when you used to go on. There are a few times when we’ve been on at the same time. Did you move or get a new job or something? Because I remember how you always used to comment that you were posting after work.

I’m not complaining, I like that we’re on at the same time, which is why I’ve been talking to you so much there. How fast you’ve been responding makes it feel so much more like a real conversation.

I’ve been getting up earlier lately, or staying up later. Don’t worry though, I’m not tired or suffering from insomnia. I’ve just been so full of energy that I want to take advantage of it. I’ve been restless lately, going for long walks helps. I do so much hiking when I’m traveling that I really don’t know why I hadn’t thought about doing it when I’m home as well. On weekends I’ve been spending the whole day out and about.

I might start bringing my camera with me when I go out and start posting about my local adventures too.

I’d love to read more adventure stories by you! But you know me, I’d probably read your shopping list because of how interesting you make everything. Have you ever considered getting published? I mean I’m sure you’ve written the textbook you use to teach your classes, but I think you could get published for writing your vacation stories, especially with the pictures you take. It’s like you’re bringing the adventure home.

I just hope you’re getting enough sleep though. I know what it’s like to crash and it can sneak up on you. Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

You’ve been silent again and this had been the longest you’ve been silent in a while. I was thinking about my last message to you and I got to worrying.

I guess I just want to be reassured, or maybe get a sneak peek at whatever big post you’re working on that has you so busy.

It’s been a long, strange few weeks, but I think everything is fine now. I was in the hospital again, anxiety or maybe a fugue state got the better of me when I was out on a walk. I wasn’t being careless, I had my phone with me, but I never noticed it ringing when anyone was calling me.

I should start at the beginning though.

I went out for a walk two weekends ago, a lovely hiking trail through wetlands. It’s a set of trails really, all interconnected like a net across meadows, forests and lowlands, all interspersed with ponds and streams. You can take a different walk each time you go there and you can walk for miles and miles, never knowing what you’ll see. What I like the most about it is that it’s far enough out of the way that you hardly ever see anyone else. It’s typically just me and my thoughts, which is how it was how it was that day.

I wanted to go for a walk down by one set of ponds. It had been raining so some of the trails were flooded, but they were all so clearly marked that a bit of water wasn’t going to stop me. Besides, there were flowers and birds everywhere. The sounds and smells and colors. It was like the recent rain had washed a thin layer of dirt off of everything and the whole world was fresh and new, the colors brighter, the sounds clearer, as though something had been removed from the air. Something that muffled noises and dulled the senses. And through it all was the sound and smell of running water. Some people use fountains to relax or meditate and as I walked along the trails, listening to the splashing of my moving through the water, the sound of mud squishing beneath my boots I focused on those noises.

For no reason I understood my goal became to make as little noise as possible, perhaps so that I wouldn’t frighten the birds or all the little frogs swimming alongside the trail. There were fishes too, streamlined shadows moving over the leaves in water so clear that they may as well have been floating through the air.

I didn’t want to frighten them or stir up any mud to cloud the waters and slowly I found I was able to do that. If I focused hard enough I found that I could move without making any sound. The birds and fish came closer and the frogs never moved from the mossy tree roots they were sitting on.

I was so focused on the act of walking, stepping just right so that no mud would be churned by my passing that I lost track of where I was going. I wandered off the trail and into deeper water, or at least I think I remember doing that. The last thing I remember with absolute clarity was standing in water up to my waist, feeling the movements of it and the way it both supported and carried me.

The thing is, I might not have been in water at that moment in time because I recall marveling at how fast I was able to move. The water wasn’t at all pulling at me and I could walk as though I were on dry land. It felt like I’d discovered the trick of walking and leaving no trace, which must have been to take off my boots. There was no mud when I put my foot down and felt the leaves and pondweed beneath it, I remember seeing a fish swim right over my foot as I put it down. I actually felt its fins flutter against me. The water was clear, impossibly so. I could see through it like it was glass.

I wanted to laugh because it tickled and because I’d discovered something so wonderful. I was at peace.

Utterly at peace.

The nightmares were so far gone that they didn’t feel like nightmares. I could look at them and experience them again without any fear.

They began to make sense.

After that I must have been dreaming because none of it made sense and I woke up.

There were people standing over me. One was kneeling and offering me a drink of water. Another had a granola bar that they were holding out to me. The water tasted like the plastic bottle it was in and the granola bar was so cloyingly sweet I was ill.

That’s all I can remember until I woke up at the hospital. Apparently I’d been missing all weekend and a trio of hikers and their dog had found me, passed out in a shallow ditch, soaking wet amid the reeds.

I’m going to have to be more careful now. No more walks alone.

AHHH! I seriously had nightmares after reading that. I’m not kidding either, not just from worrying about what would have happened if those wonderful people hadn’t found you, but about being lost in the woods with you.

Those weren’t the only nightmares though. It was the strangest thing, after reading your email I was so mad for you mentioning the horrible cat in it, which was what I dreamed about that night, the horrible cat chasing you through the woods and me trying to run away from it and not being able to. Then I reread it in the morning and there was no mention of the cat, even though I could see it in every shadow, behind the trees I imagined you walking by.

People talk about the black dog of depression, but it’s got nothing on the black cat of anxiety. Lol. Just trying to laugh at myself here to relax because if I can’t laugh at my own worries I’ll get too wrapped up in them.

I’m glad that you’re getting help though.

Please don’t worry. I just need to sort some things out.

Please, feel free to talk to me. You know me well enough to know that I can listen without judging. I won’t say anything or tell you how to deal with your situation unless you ask me for advice.

Sometimes just saying something to another person or just writing it all down can help. So if it helps you don’t even need to send the email to me, just write it down and then delete it. Getting in on a page can help.

I hope that I’m not coming across as pushy, but I’m worried about you.

I’m not trying to make this about me, but I’ve been having nightmares about the cat thing.

I’m going to write this all out and hit send before I change my mind so I apologize if it’s sloppy.

I’ve been having nightmares about the eyes too. In my dreams I’m back watching the thing, except it doesn’t vanish, not up a tree, not behind the leaves or into the water, but just vanish like it did when I saw it. Except there were the pictures so it had to be real. I’m so glad that I took those pictures. Otherwise I don’t know what I’d think.

It doesn’t vanish in the dreams. It walks up to me and it puts its hand, not paw, but hand, on my head because in the dreams I’m kneeling. It touches me and I see things.

I don’t want to see those things, but I do. It’s like everything is becoming as clear as the water when I was out hiking. I can look at my hands, my reflection, my eyes in the mirror and I can fall into them and see through its eyes.

Are you okay?

Have you been to a doctor lately?

Please keep me posted on things. I’ve been so worried about you lately.

I have, they ran tests until I said no more tests. One said iron deficiency, another wondered if I’d picked up a tropical parasite on my last trip which was why I was so hungry and the pica and my nails. It’s not pica thought. I’m not eating paper of crunching on ice cubes, or not just that. I was chewing ice cubes, but only because my teeth hurt. I went to a dentist and it’s my wisdom teeth, they’re coming in he said. Sharp and at an angle.

I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was sixteen.

I’m frightened and I can’t even explain why. Some part of my brain, a part that feels far too rational for what’s been happening is telling me that I should not be afraid. That this is natural and the way things should be.

Please go do a doctor again! Not for more tests, but just to talk. It sounds like you need to talk and please don’t listen to that part of you that’s saying you shouldn’t go and that things are normal.

I’m keeping you in my prayers

Eyes.

Please! Go to a doctor about that! You might have some jungle disease that’s doing that to your eyes and making you feel sick.

Please!

It’s too bright to see at night, but when I close my eyes I only see farther.

The nightmares have stopped though and I feel fine. It’s shown me things and I understand. It’s happening fast enough now that I can feel it.

Just like the cabin pressure changing when I’m in an airplane and my ears pop I can feel it. Pop. Pop. Pop. It’s not just my ears though. Muscles and bones. Stretching changing.

Last night I went to the hiking trails where I lost myself that one weekend. I didn’t lose myself this time.

I found myself.

Out in the dark I could see. That’s why my eyes changed, so I could see.

Feeling the ground beneath my hands there was a pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. And again, one for each finger and all of the bones there and I could sink my claws into the soft earth.

It told me to brush those half-prints away, not to leave any until I wanted to. Until I was ready for someone to find them. Half-prints were dangerous, only taking people half way. That’s where the monsters come from.

I could feel the breeze against my skin and the fur beneath. It itched. There were extra bones in my spine. I could feel them, but they didn’t move. The muscles are still growing in.

I walked and listened, but I could only half understand.

I don’t know what I am yet, stuck in between.

In the morning I was dressed and asleep in my car, but there was dirt under my nails.

My ears popped as I drove home and I felt them turn in the direction of a sound that wasn’t there yet.

If it is you’re not funny.

I don’t know if you’re being a troll or not and I’m really upset. I trusted you and if this is some elaborate hoax I don’t know what I’ll think.

Because if it’s not then it’s even worse.

It’s not a hoax. It’s just not real yet. The horrible cat thing I saw was real, and what’s happening is real. It’s just that I’m not real yet. I won’t be real until it’s done and the half-being is why it hurts sometimes. My teeth are done when I want them to be, but only when I want. Which is good because if people saw them they’d know and there are some things that people can’t know. My eyes are harder to hide because they’re so very like windows and I have yet to learn to draw the curtains.

I’d take a picture to show you how they’re deep enough to fall into now, but they’re starting to get blurry. There are some things that can only be seen.

Which is a shame.

I’d love for you to fall into my eyes

The fur hasn’t come out yet, but I can see the shadows of its patterns. They’re hypnotic and beautiful and they’re all mine, unique as a fingerprint.

Soon I will have a tail and that excites me.

Then maybe I can balance well enough not just to leave no trace of my passing, but to walk between things and on shadows and through sounds.

I’ve been practicing moving in the blink of an eye and between heartbeats.

Please! Either stop it or tell me what’s really going on or give me a phone number so I can call you. I’m worried sick about you and every time I close my eyes and try to sleep I have nightmares about the horrible thing.

Trying to visit you in your dreams. You said you wanted to travel with me to the next place I went and what you’re seeing is that place.

I can’t stop what’s happening though. Once I saw and wondered I was too far along. It’s funny how that happens, that there are paths we’re unaware of and just being made aware is enough to start us down them.

I’ve stopped trying to visit you though. Tell me if the nightmares have stopped.

and that makes things worse.

You would talk about the things I believe in that you didn’t, that I thought there were unknown things out there, wonderful and mysterious things that no one had seen yet. This isn’t like them. This is frightening.

Sorry that I frightened you.

They are beautiful and magical and they’re more like the adventures I used to go on than what you expect. They’re also different in ways I cannot explain. Seeing new things and impossibly old things that are new to me because I could never see them before. There are some places that a boat or an airplane cannot take you. Walking is the only way and you need to learn the right way to walk.

It’s getting harder to hide things though. They’re too real and what I used to be is less real. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to write to you.

But I’ll try to trust you.

If this is real then it’s real.

It’s hard to type now and hard to see the screen without seeing past it and through to you. You might even think you can see me when you read this and that’s because I’m looking at you. That’s my face now, but not what it will be, please don’t let it frighten you.

In the spring, when there is mud on the ground and the nightmares are unbearable you will wake up to scratching on your window. When you hear it you should be afraid. Go outside, if you’re lucky you may catch a glimpse of me. If not it’s because I am too new and you are not ready yet. Look at the ground. There you will see my footprints in the mud or wet on the pavement. I left them for you. You can try to follow them if you want, but you won’t be able to. Not right away, but in time the path will find you. Then we will be together and the words I don’t have and we don’t share will make sense.