Chapter Text
Fireflies blinked and danced in the tepid air as though they were trying to pretend they were stars in the night sky. Xena studied them carefully, imagining them as additions to the fantastical constellations that she and Gabrielle had often drawn with their fingertips in the early years of their travels together. It had been some time since either of them had felt lighthearted enough to partake in the game, but Xena could still fondly remember and identify some of the more esoteric designs that Gabrielle had come up with, and she did so now. To the north, a firefly momentarily turned a cluster of stars that Gabrielle had insisted was a horse dancing on two legs into a unicorn dancing on two legs. To the south, the face of a man sneezing briefly gained a firefly goatee. To the east, two mountains side-by-side became erupting volcanoes when two fireflies lit up simultaneously at their summits.
To the west lay Cirra, and thus the game could not be played there.
Gabrielle returned with more firewood, and sparks from the new fuel sent additional momentary lights into the air, though they were too brief to be included in Xena’s private game. Then Gabrielle lay down beside her, and her focus shifted entirely to her companion instead. They blinked at one another in the firelight.
“Almost there,” Gabrielle said.
“Yeah,” agreed Xena. She ran her eyes over Gabrielle’s face, noting the deepening crinkles at the corners of her eyes as she gave Xena a weak smile. Gabrielle had grown so much in the past few years; changed so much, too. And yet she knew this woman as well as she knew herself. No change had ever made them feel like strangers to each other. When Gabrielle had given up fighting, Xena knew what choices and events had led her to that decision.
And when Gabrielle had picked up a sword in the courtyard of a Roman prison, Xena had known exactly what had made her do it.
“Do you want to hear a scroll, or are you too tired?” asked Gabrielle, her voice soft and understanding.
“I’m not too tired,” Xena assured her. She paused, took a deep breath, and then continued: “Read me the first one about her.”
Sitting up slightly, Gabrielle continued to peer at her carefully. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. We’ll be there by sundown tomorrow. I think I need to hear it.”
“Alright.”
“I can read it for myself, if it’s too much.”
“No, I can do it.” Gabrielle stood and went to her pack, and Xena listened as she shuffled through her multitude of scrolls until she found what she was looking for. When she came back to the bedroll, she did not lay down again. Instead she sat cross-legged next to Xena and unrolled the parchment. Then she bravely cleared her throat and began to read: “I sing of Callisto, the second mightiest warrior princess, and of her defeat at the hands of the first…”
In the prison cell, as she lay broken and defeated, Xena had learned that she’d made far more mistakes than she’d ever realized before. She had thought the mistakes had mostly stopped after meeting Gabrielle and giving up her warlord ways, but she’d been so very wrong. In fact the biggest mistake she’d ever made was her handling of her relationship with Gabrielle.
When they’d first started traveling together, she’d thought of Gabrielle as a kid. There was a fairly significant age difference between them, and a vastly significant experience difference. She wasn’t sure when exactly she stopped thinking of her that way, but it was soon after they’d met. It was quickly apparent that Gabrielle was bright, compassionate and clever. They were soon closer than friends; they were family.
But she’d never quite considered Gabrielle her equal. It wasn’t that she thought she was better than her, but there was still so much for her young friend to learn, and a lot of that would be taught to her by Xena. How could she consider her student to be her equal?
And then they’d gone through so much together, and Xena realized that Gabrielle had so much to teach her, too. Things that she could never have learned on her own. And that was when the trouble started. Because then Xena knew that Gabrielle had surpassed her. Sure, Xena was still the more formidable opponent on the battlefield. But in every way that actually mattered, Gabrielle was better than her.
She loved better. She cared more. She didn’t need to fight, because she could usually find a better solution. Where Xena hid behind her sword, Gabrielle stood tall and proud on her own. Warriors were a dinar a dozen. But people like Gabrielle were rare and precious.
And Xena hadn’t even bothered to read her scrolls.
Xena didn’t deserve a woman like Gabrielle. And this was a particularly distressing epiphany, because right about the time she understood this, the two of them learned they were soulmates.
So not only was Gabrielle bound to her in this lifetime, they would be bound in every lifetime to come. Gabrielle’s light was eternally cursed with Xena’s darkness, and there was nothing either one of them could do about it.
And to top everything off, Xena was hopelessly in love with her. Every day it was getting harder and harder to ignore the intensity of her feelings for Gabrielle, harder and harder to rationalize keeping her distance. Sometimes she would look at Gabrielle and be swept up in her love, overcome with the irrational desire to wrap her arms around her and shield her from all the cruelty and pain in the world. It was becoming too much to handle, and Xena often felt as though she were fraying around the edges at the effort it took to hold herself back. She had never known a love so strong before.
She was certain that Gabrielle loved her back, perhaps even with as much intensity. But it wasn’t something they’d ever discussed or acted upon, because Xena knew that it was wrong.
They were soulmates; that much was certainly true. So how, then, could they ever know if they only felt this way about each other because of the bond they shared? If given the choice, Xena was certain that Gabrielle would never have picked her -- would never have loved her.
It didn’t seem like it was very fair to Gabrielle. How tragic, for such a wonderful girl to be tied to such a burden like Xena.
After coming back to life, the two of them had headed back to Greece. As they processed everything that had happened to them, Xena had been plagued with thoughts of Callisto. Somehow she knew, just knew , that Callisto was at peace now. And yet Xena still couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d done to her and her village. It was as though her conscience was trying to remind her of exactly why she could never allow herself to love Gabrielle the way she wanted. Some nights she woke up gasping with the memory of the carnage in that village, the smell of burning flesh, the screams of dying children, and the only way Xena could calm down was with Gabrielle’s gentle arms holding her until sleep returned.
Gabrielle had suggested that maybe a visit to Cirra would help. “If you confront it head on,” she had said, “maybe you will finally be able to release it.” And though the idea terrified her, Xena supposed it was as good a destination as any. Besides, it was what Gabrielle, the bravest person she knew, would do. They’d been on the road for months now, and finally the end was in sight.
As Xena listened to the scroll, she closed her eyes and let the sound of Gabrielle’s soothing, familiar voice wash over her. She’d never been comfortable with the way the bard wrote her as a heroic figure in her stories, but ever since Eli had brought them back, Xena had been determined to listen to every last one regardless. If she concentrated, she could convince herself the scrolls were about someone else, some other warrior princess who could seemingly do impossible things.
When she got to the end of the scroll, Gabrielle rolled it up and carefully tied it shut, then rose to place it back in the pack before rejoining Xena and laying down by her side.
“You left something out,” Xena commented casually. “That night we stayed at the campfire and I explained what my army and I did to her family and the rest of the village.”
“It’s in there,” confessed Gabrielle guiltily, “but I couldn’t bring myself to read it. But it’s not because of what you did. It’s because of the promise I made you make that night about not becoming a monster if anything ever happened to me. I thought it made me sound so hypocritical, considering what I did in Rome after you got hit with the chakram.”
Xena rolled to her side to face Gabrielle, watching her with pained blue eyes. “Gabrielle…”
But Gabrielle cut her off. “I’m not sorry I did it. Gods know I’d do it again. But back then,” she waved her hand in the direction of her pack where she’d just stored the scroll, “I had no idea just how important we’d become to one another. I had no idea I was forcing you to make a promise I now know you couldn’t possibly keep.”
It was the truth, and Xena acknowledged it with her silence. After a long moment, she lifted up her arm and said, “C’mere.”
Needing no further convincing, Gabrielle turned and scooted backwards into Xena’s offered embrace. A strong arm wrapped itself around her midriff, and she intertwined their fingers where they rested against her stomach. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, soaking in Xena’s warmth and protection. It was so rare for Xena to offer this sort of contact. Usually it was Gabrielle who initiated it, carefully moving closer and closer until she was cuddled up beside her friend. Then Xena would give in and return the affection, usually in the form of an arm around her shoulders and an unspoken invitation to use her shoulder as a pillow.
These days their cuddle sessions had become more and more frequent; in fact it happened almost every night now. Gabrielle was happy about it. She always slept better with the sound of Xena’s steady heartbeat right under her ear.
Some nights she tortured herself with fantasies of throwing caution to the wind and kissing Xena, if only just to clear the air between them. But she’d seen the way Xena looked at her and she knew her feelings were reciprocated, so Xena must know it, too. So the logical conclusion was that there was some other reason they weren’t already lovers; for whatever reason, Xena wanted it that way. And Gabielle could wait. She would wait as long as it took for her to get over her reservations.
After all, it wasn’t like she was going anywhere.
Rain clouds moved in overnight and in the morning Gabrielle suggested they find shelter until they passed instead of risking being caught in a downpour. “They won’t break today,” Xena replied. “Or at least, not until much later. We should be able to get to Cirra before it happens.”
“Come on, Xena,” said Gabrielle teasingly. “Not even you can predict the weather that accurately.”
“Oh, you think so?” One of Xena’s eyebrows quirked in that way it did when she was holding back a smug smile. “Care to wager on that?”
“Yeah, I would. Five dinars says we get soaked before we reach Cirra.”
“You’re on.”
They broke camp and loaded up Argo with practiced efficiency, and they were on the road a short time later. The path they trudged cut through a dense forest, so it was difficult to keep track of the rain clouds above them. They were limited to the briefest of glimpses of the sky between the canopy of leaves above. Though the light was grey and the air became humid, the weather seemed to be holding.
At midday they stopped for lunch, and Gabrielle frowned up at the sky as she ate her fish.
“You look worried,” said Xena mockingly.
Quickly snapping her attention back to her companion, Gabrielle stuck out her tongue. “I’m not worried. I’m just thinking about what I’m going to spend your dinars on.”
“Of course you are.”
Playful banter had always been a staple of their travels together. It had the desired effect of passing time in a pleasant way, and before they knew it they were encountering signs that there was a village nearby. A couple of oncoming wagons pulled by two horses each forced them to wait by the side of the path for a few minutes as they passed, their drivers looking at them curiously as they went by. Further on they broke through the treeline and found themselves on the outskirts of a cow farm, where most of the cows were laying down on the grass. Gabrielle pointed to them and said: “See? The cows are laying down. That means it’s going to rain.”
“I never said it wasn’t going to rain. I only said we’d get there before it started.”
Just then there was a far-off rumble of thunder, and Gabrielle grinned triumphantly. “Oh, you are so going to lose,” she laughed.
“Am I?” But Xena had to admit, she may have misjudged this one. She sniffed the air as they continued on, noting the increased scent of rain on the breeze.
As usual, though, she was stupid to second-guess herself, because a short time later they came upon the village of Cirra and not a single raindrop had fallen yet. “Unbelievable,” grumbled Gabrielle. “How do you do that?”
“I have many skills,” said Xena succinctly. “Pay up.” When Gabrielle grudgingly slapped a coin into her palm, she raised it to her lips and kissed it. “Sweet, sweet victory.”
Rolling her eyes, Gabrielle turned and continued walking towards the village, and Xena followed after her with Argo. But after a few steps, Gabrielle hung back so she could once again walk beside her friend, offering silent support as they approached the settlement.
Cirra had changed since Xena had last been here, which made sense considering that her army had burned the place down. The most immediate and noticeable change was that there was a wall around it. A large gate stood open, and as Xena and Gabrielle walked through it, they were stopped by a man holding a spear. He regarded them suspiciously. “Who are you?” he asked at once. His eyes landed on the chakram clipped to Xena’s waist.
Xena noticed this and stood up straighter. She had anticipated meeting resistance to her presence in the town. After all, Callisto wasn’t the only person who’s family she’d killed here. “I think you know who I am.”
“Xena,” he growled, and two other nearby men heard this and came to join them. “Get out of here, Xena. You’re not welcome.”
“Please,” Gabrielle said softly, “we only need a dry place to stay for the night. A storm is coming. We don’t want any trouble.”
“Last time she was here she burned the whole village down! She’s the reason we built this gods damn wall.”
“I’m not going to argue that I didn’t do what you say I did,” said Xena in a low, even voice. “I’m here to try and atone for my mistakes.”
“You can atone with your death,” said the guard, and the other two enthusiastically agreed with him. He dropped into a fighting stance with his spear.
Xena shook her head and sighed. “Calm down. I’m not going to fight you. Come on, Gabrielle. If we leave now we might be able to find a cave or something before the rain…”
And then two things happened at once. The sky opened up and began dumping rain, and the first guard lunged at Xena. Reflexively, Xena jumped out of the way of his spear, grabbed it with both hands, and yanked it forcefully out of his grip. Then she effortlessly snapped it in two over her knee. “That’s enough!” she yelled angrily, throwing the broken spear to the ground at their feet. “We’re leaving, alright? If you attack me again I’m going to defend myself, and I promise it won’t work out well for you. Let’s go, Gabrielle.”
Frowning at the guards, Gabrielle said, “Okay.” She fell into step beside Xena as they began retracing their steps through the rapidly forming mud. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have suggested we come here. I don’t know what I was expecting would happen. I guess I was hoping there would be space in their hearts for forgiveness.”
Smiling wearily, Xena said, “No, Gabrielle, not everyone is as kind-hearted and loving as you. But don’t apologize for your optimism in that regard. It’s one of the things I love the most about you.” She draped an arm casually over Gabrielle’s shoulder as they walked and pressed a kiss on the top of her wet head before releasing her.
Gabrielle had to really concentrate to keep from tripping and falling on her face, her heart pounding rapidly in her chest. As she tried to formulate a response, she heard another voice over the sound of wind, rain and thunder. Someone was running towards them from the village, and Gabrielle unconsciously prepared to reach for her sai.
It was a young woman in simple villager clothing, not unlike something Gabrielle would have worn before she’d met Xena, a time that seemed a lifetime ago now. The woman was completely soaked through from the rain. “Xena,” she panted as she approached them. “You’re Xena, right?”
“Who wants to know?” replied Xena.
“My name is Annaclese, or just Anna. My grandmother sent me. She wants to offer you a place in her barn for the night.”
“Why?”
Anna looked surprised at the question. “Because there’s a thunderstorm,” she answered, her tone indicating that she thought this an obvious answer.
Gabrielle had to quickly smother her laughter. Clearly, this girl wasn’t all that bright. When Xena caught her eye and lifted an eyebrow in a silent question, Gabrielle gave her a little shrug in reply. “Alright,” said Xena to Anna. “Lead the way.”
Luckily, Anna did not lead them back through the gate where they’d just had their little altercation. Instead she led them along the outside of the wall to another gate that was locked shut. Anna produced a key and unlocked it. She held it open for Xena, Gabrielle, and Argo, then shut it and locked it again from the inside. They found themselves in a large animal enclosure with several well-fed pigs, goats and chickens wandering around, not minding the rain one bit. Continuing on, Anna headed towards a barn across the yard. “This is my grandmother’s house,” Anna explained. “She’s one of the only people in town with her own entrance through the wall.”
“Why does she merit that?” asked Gabrielle, curious as always.
“She’s the head priestess in town,” Anna explained. “My grandpa used to be the head of the temple, but he…” She trailed off, shooting a furtive glance at Xena.
Who completed the sentence for her: “...Died at the hands of my army.”
“Yes,” said Anna.
“Then why’s she offering me a place to stay?”
“You’ll have to ask her. She didn’t tell me.”
While they waited for Anna to unlock the barn, Gabrielle said in a low voice, “I don’t like this, Xena.”
“I don’t much like it either,” Xena admitted. “But I like this rain even less. Let’s stay here for the night, and we’ll head out at first light tomorrow.”
Anna got the door open and Xena led Argo into a stall. The horse was clearly happy to be in a warm, dry place, and she immediately set about filling up on fresh hay from the floor. Xena began removing their things from her saddle in preparation for the coming night. “You guys can sleep up in the loft,” said Anna. “There’s good, soft hay up there. My grandmother will be by later with something to eat.”
“Thank you, Anna,” said Gabrielle kindly. “I’m Gabrielle, by the way.”
“Yes, I know. I’ve read some of your scrolls in Athens. It’s wonderful to meet you. Maybe tomorrow you can tell me a story?”
“Sure,” agreed Gabrielle, even knowing that she and Xena had no intention to stay that long.
“Great! Well, I’ll let Gran know you’re here.” Without another word, she hurried out of the barn and back out into the rain.
“That’s odd,” commented Xena. “Why would a girl like her be in Athens reading scrolls?”
“I have no idea,” said Gabrielle. She accepted a linen cloth from Xena and used it to furiously ruffle her shaggy blonde hair to dry it off. Xena watched her affectionately for a moment before returning to the task of unpacking Argo. In no time at all they had set themselves up for sleep on the loft. Then Gabrielle settled down on a pile of hay with a scroll and her quill, and Xena began giving Argo a thorough brush-down.
A short time later, the door to the barn opened again and an elderly woman came in, carrying bread, cheese and fruit for them to eat. “Welcome,” said the woman. “My name is Adoni. I trust you’re finding the accommodations suitable?”
“Absolutely,” Gabrielle said, standing and clasping wrists with Adoni. “I’m Gabrielle, and this is Xena. Thank you so much for offering us a place to stay.”
“Of course,” said Adoni mildly. “Growing up I was taught to always offer passing travelers my hospitality.”
“Even travelers who are responsible for the death of a loved one?” asked Xena bluntly.
“My deity is one of forgiveness, young one,” said Adoni.
“And which deity is that?” Gabrielle said.
“I am a priestess of the temple of Hebe.”
“The goddess of forgiveness and eternal youth,” said Gabrielle, thinking of the three gaurds at the gate who had attacked Xena. “Do you have many followers in this town?”
“Not as many as I would like.” Adoni set the food down on top of a barrel and produced a wineskin from beneath her robes. “In any case, I’m afraid this rain is hard on my old bones. Please accept these gifts as an apology for your treatment at the gate, and I will take my leave of you. You are welcome to stay as long as you like.”
As she took the wineskin, Gabrielle gave Adoni’s hands a gentle squeeze. “Thank you, Adoni. This means a lot to us.”
“Yes, thank you,” echoed Xena. “I wasn’t sure what to expect coming back here, but it certainly wasn’t this.”
Adoni looked at them both for a moment, her eyes flicking back and forth between them. Something flashed in their dark depths, and Xena felt the hairs on the back of her neck raise as a prickling, nondescript sense of danger shot down her spine. It was completely inexplicable. What could this old woman possibly do to them? But she’d learned long ago to trust her instincts, and she watched the woman carefully as she shuffled out of the barn into the torrential downpour outside.
Gabrielle released a breath as the barn door closed behind the old woman, and she turned to look at Xena. “I don’t like this,” she reiterated.
“Me either. Do you want to leave?”
A flash of lightning was quickly followed by a boom of thunder so loud that it shook the rafters of the old barn. Argo let out a snort and pawed the ground nervously, as if she were expressing her dislike of the idea of heading back out into the storm.
“Let’s stay the night like we planned,” Gabrielle said. “Unless you think we should go?”
“I’m not crazy about either idea, to be honest,” Xena admitted. “But I doubt this rain is going to let up any time soon. We’ll stay the night, but let’s try and keep our wits about us. Maybe not drink too much of that wine.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Gabrielle retrieved the food and wineskin and they climbed up to the loft to eat. They limited themselves to half the wine that Adoni had brought, but it was enough to make Gabrielle feel warm and sleepy, and soon she found herself cuddled up next to Xena, her arm resting comfortably across her stomach and her head pillowed on her shoulder. “So this is Cirra,” she said softly, rubbing comforting circles on her companion’s stomach.
“Yeah,” burred Xena, also feeling relaxed and lethargic.
“Does it look how you remember it?”
“No. There was no wall when I came here before. And the homes are spaced farther apart. Trying to prevent another devastating fire, most likely.”
“Hmm,” said Gabrielle thoughtfully. “What do you think it would take for you to get closure from this place? What’s going to help you move on?”
A long pause followed this question as Xena considered her answer. Slowly, she said, “I think I would need to see that the town itself has moved on. I want to know that the people here are prosperous and happy.” In a move that surprised Gabrielle, Xena turned on her side to more fully gather the other woman into her arms. She pulled Gabrielle close and buried her nose in her soft blonde hair. “Gabrielle… Is it right for me to have come here? Do I deserve to be forgiven for this?”
Overwhelmed emotionally and physically, Gabrielle wound her arms around Xena and pressed her face against her chest. This was by far the most intimate contact they’d ever shared, and she was having trouble drawing breath. It felt so good that it was almost as though she were melting. She loved Xena so much, admired her and trusted her and wanted her, and she tried to convey that in her touch and her voice. “You aren’t that person anymore,” she said fiercely. “I know you aren’t. You have done so much good in the world, Xena. You have to let yourself believe that it’s possible to make amends, otherwise you will never be able to find peace.”
“Peace,” murmured Xena, breathing in Gabrielle’s scent. “I’ve only ever felt peace when I’m with you. That’s why… That’s why I don’t deserve this.” She hugged Gabrielle tighter. “Deserve you.”
At last, Gabrielle understood with blinding clarity why Xena was holding herself back. She doesn’t think she’s good enough for me, she thought incredulously. “Xena…” she breathed, trying to pull away to look her in the eye.
But Xena held her firmly in place with a hand on the back of her head. “Don’t,” she said pleadingly. “Please don’t.” There was a rawness and vulnerability in her voice that Gabrielle had never heard before, and it broke her heart.
“...Alright,” she said reluctantly, settling back against her. Someday soon we will work through this, she thought, but this is enough for now.