Archive of Our Own

Jungkook isn’t really sure if starting his military service within the same year his group disbanded was a blessing or a curse. On one hand, he didn’t get to experience the full impact of the loss and he got to do something productive immediately after; on the other hand, now that he’s out, he doesn’t have a schedule to return to, which is weird and foreign to him, especially considering that he’s the only member who never missed a comeback during the group’s entire career. He has plans, yes, but nothing concrete. He’ll definitely sign up with Big Hit again, can’t imagine himself anywhere else, and they’ve been planning his solo career since before the disbandment, but for the first time in his life, he has one condition: He wants to stop hiding.

He’s 30 years old now, so his worldview has changed, as well as his priorities and goals. The time spent serving his country helped him completely let go of the remains of his idol fantasy self and look into the Jeon Jungkook who now desperately yearns for normal, mundane dreams: getting married, getting a dog, adopting a child or two. He craves for it, it’s a constant wish in his heart, but there are several factors to sort out, although they don’t seem as impossible as they did when he was 22.

First of all, it’s been 8 years. The uncertainty he felt about the future is gone, replaced by the conviction that Namjoon is his forever; there is no doubt about it, not after everything they have endured, including the fact that they’ve had to spend 4 out of those 8 years apart (not consecutively, thankfully) due to their respective military services, and that the few times they could visit each other during them, they had to do it as friends, always in the company of other members and keeping a distance.

They’ve always been good at that, drawing imaginary lines between each other and diverting attention, but it had never felt as painful as it did during those periods of time. The other guys in Jungkook’s group got private visits from their wives or girlfriends, but Jungkook didn’t get that privilege; he was famous and his lover was a man, who was also famous, there was just no way.

So, the last two years of being even more careful than usual, of having to hide in the bathroom to send his boyfriend voice notes telling him he loved and missed him, of having to tell his roommates that no, he didn’t have a secret girlfriend, really, and of hearing some of them brag about their wives and children, only fueled the desire that had already been there for a good while: He wants to marry Namjoon, so, so badly.

It started a few years ago, but he can’t remember exactly when; all he knows is that sometimes he dreams about it vividly, and even when he might forget some details, he spends the next day chasing the bliss the dreams leave him with. It’s not like he can’t, there’s no equal marriage in South Korea yet, but it’s legal in most countries by now, so they could easily fly anywhere and get married. He knows many people have done that, including a few celebrities, but unfortunately their careers have gone downhill since then.

The press is not allowed to be outright bashful anymore thanks to some regulations that have been passed recently, but they can still get away with using the word ‘scandal’ next to everything non-straight celebrities do: dating scandal, wedding scandal, moving scandal… their lives are forever labeled as outrageous from the moment they come out, so Jungkook knows that he and Namjoon wouldn’t be an exception.

The timing couldn’t be worse: He’s freshly out of his military duty, his fans are dying to know what he’ll start working on, the rumors of his solo album are universally accepted as true even though Big Hit has not confirmed (he hasn’t technically re-signed with them yet, though both parts know he will) and he gets equal amounts of ‘get some rest’ and ‘time to catch up’ messages, but the only thing he’s really thinking about is what Namjoon would say if he asked him to marry him, and that’s really the most important thing, what Namjoon would say.

He doesn’t doubt that Namjoon wants him, but the marriage part is the one he’s not so sure of. They’ve attended weddings together, the seven of them, and Namjoon has appeared to feel comfortable; they’ve talked about people around them getting married, and Namjoon has never expressed anything against it. Jungkook would dare to say that Namjoon is not opposed to the institution of marriage, but he’s never implied that it’s something he personally wants, and Jungkook has never brought it up directly because if he did, he knows that he’d end up telling Namjoon about the dreams he’s had, especially the most recurrent one, where he’s sitting on the kitchen counter drinking banana milk with a toddler while Namjoon is at the table helping an elementary school kid with homework.

Some details change from time to time: the gender of their children, the decoration of the kitchen, Namjoon’s hair color or the time of the day, but the essence of the dream is the same: they have a family and a home, and Jungkook has never told anyone about it for fear that it might not come true, but he knows that it will remain a distant dream for as long as they stay in the closet; it’s one thing to have a secret relationship for 8 years, but a secret marriage would be a different thing, while secret children and secret pets are almost impossible, so before he even considers talking about marriage with Namjoon, he has to do something first.

He has to speak out.

Not only for his and Namjoon’s wellbeing, but for ARMY as well. He’s tired of hiding from them, and he knows that they’ll understand, they’ve always supported them. Besides, he’s setting a bad example for the ones who are like him, by hiding he’s sending the message that what they feel is shameful when in reality it’s the opposite. He remembers the time he received a letter from a male fan asking him out, and he had wanted to tell him that he wasn’t the person for him but that he understood him, that he also had someone he wanted to ask out even though they were both men, but instead he had to give him a vague response.

He thinks of that fan and so many others, especially the ones from his country, as well as those from other places where sexual diversity is not illegal but still frowned upon; he thinks of them and how they deserve to know that he’s the same and even though he’s scared he wants to break free. So, he’s going to do things in order: First, he’ll spend a couple of weeks with his family to recharge, then he’ll go home and talk to Namjoon; if Namjoon is not ready to go public yet, then he’ll do it by himself, he’ll tell everyone that he’s been dating a man for 8 years but he won’t reveal his identity; then he’ll tell Big Hit about his decision and refuse to record a single song, a single line until his audience knows.

And then his whole life will become a scandal.

The time spent with his family is always wonderful, and this is the longest he’s been able to stay with them, so it’s extra special. His brother moved out and is already married, but he has dinner at their parents’ house every night during Jungkook’s visit so they can hang out and catch up on things. Despite Jungkook’s busy schedules, he had always managed to text or call his brother every single day, but during military service their communication had been much more restricted, so he feels like there’s so much he has missed out on; besides, having the whole family together for dinner is incomparable.

Jungkook hasn’t seen them in forever, not only counting the past two years but the one before that as well, because it was the last year of Bangtan: the last album, the last comeback, the last tour, the last season of Bon Voyage, the last episode of Run, the last attendance to award shows as a group… He barely had time to eat and sleep, so his family was completely neglected. He’s lucky they’ve always been so understanding, so he’s fulfilling his promise of visiting them as soon as he had the time, which is now, 3 years later. He also gets to spend time with his sister in-law, who he had barely talked to a couple of times before, and to catch up with childhood friends, some of whom are married, which feels him with envy.

At some point, as it inevitably always happens, they ask him about his dating life and he has to laugh and shrug vaguely, respond with only half truths because he’s not a good liar: “I really don’t have a secret girlfriend”, “Yes, I’m allowed to date”, “Of course there’s someone I like”, “Yeah, I hope I’ll get more time for dating too”. His brother skillfully and smoothly changes the subject, and Jungkook figures he must regularly do that for him in his absence.

His family has known about his sexual orientation ever since he figured it out, but they didn’t take it too seriously back then, thought it was just a phase or a result of feeling lonely and isolated from a normal young boy’s life, and assumed he’d start liking girls eventually. Later on, when he told them that he and Namjoon were together, they were mostly worried, about the company and the press and their careers, but they didn’t react to the relationship itself, they didn’t ask if he was happy or in love, or if it was serious; it was as if it wasn’t real, and even though that was a better reaction than rejection, it still hurt.

However, over the course of the years, they seemed to understand it, little by little, especially as public figures started coming out and the perception in other countries changed, but since it’s still a controversial subject, they continue covering up for him. Who knows how many times they’ve had to make up lies to protect his ‘scandal’-free image? So, Jungkook adds his family to the list of people who will benefit from him coming out.

Namjoon videocalls a few days later, and Jungkook’s parents are delighted to talk to him. They have always respected him and felt grateful, almost indebted, to him. Jungkook figures they still see him as the one who started it all for him, the one who has always guided and protected him, which is nice, but they have never really treated Namjoon as Jungkook’s boyfriend. However, this time they ask him why he didn’t join Jungkook in visiting them, which apparently surprises him as much as it does Jungkook. It had never occurred to either of them, would have been inappropriate for Jungkook to bring someone along during the few days he had planned to spend with his family, especially since he’ll have plenty of time to see Namjoon when he returns to Seoul, but they insist on wanting to see Namjoon, so his mother offers to visit them instead soon.

Jungkook is positively speechless; maybe their perception has really changed, maybe they’re starting to see Namjoon as a potential son in-law, and Jungkook beams at the thought. Namjoon stutters but accepts the offer warmly, and after exchanging a few more pleasantries, Jungkook’s parents say goodbye to Namjoon to give them some alone time. Jungkook looks at him in awkward silence for a few seconds while he tries to organize his thoughts.

It’s not like he hasn’t seen Namjoon at all during the past two years, whenever he was allowed to go online he looked at his recent pictures and they even had videocalls every now and then, but it was never completely safe, so their conversations were as platonic and mundane as they could be, just an excuse to see and hear each other. However, it’s safe now, so they can finally say what they want, but all Jungkook does is cry. He doesn’t know if he does it out of relief or longing, but the sight of Namjoon looking somehow impossibly softer and more handsome than ever brings tears to his eyes almost immediately.

Namjoon tries to comfort him and he simply repeats how much he loves him, over and over, making up for all the times he couldn’t. He doesn’t want to hold back anymore, he’s exhausted and just wants to love Namjoon forever, openly, with his whole heart. Namjoon looks a bit taken aback, apparently also used to having to hold back, but he starts reciprocating the shower of ‘I love you so much’ and blowing some kisses in his direction, which succeeds in making him smile. Namjoon is not good at typically cute stuff, but in his own way, he’s the cutest.

They talk about what they’ve been doing these days, and Namjoon enthusiastically plays for him the tracks he’s been working on. Namjoon was obviously the first one to sign up with Big Hit again, but he’s mostly been composing and producing for other artists. He’s happy though, has a more regular schedule now and gets to sleep in the same bed every night, but keeps having a lot of creative freedom. Jungkook already asked him a long time ago to write a song for his solo debut, and Namjoon says it’s ready, but he refuses to show it to him until he goes back home. Jungkook decides to hang up after 20 minutes to stop neglecting his family again, and Namjoon promises to call back in a few days.

Jimin features in (more like takes over) the next videocall, and Jungkook’s family absolutely loses it. They adore him, Jungkook is convinced they like Jimin more than him, but he’s not even upset. He loves Jimin too, owes him so much he could never repay him, and he still intends to keep the promise he made to him the very first time in his life he got drunk: they’ll be each other’s best men someday. Jimin and Namjoon are technically the only ones still living in the apartment the 7 of them used to share, and the reason this is a technicality is because Jimin doesn’t really live anywhere, he’s been living a nomad life since the disbandment, staying with each member for short periods of time and claiming a room in every one of their homes.

However, he keeps going back to the apartment, which he still calls home, mostly to check on Namjoon. Jungkook is grateful for this because Namjoon tends to get so immersed in his music that he forgets to eat or water his plants, but Jimin, true to his angelic nature, is there to remind him. He doesn’t take care of only Namjoon, though, he also left Jungkook a message every single day while he was doing military service to let him know how everyone was doing, even though Jungkook couldn’t see or reply to them often. So once his parents are done talking to Jimin, Jungkook forces him to move the tablet so he can see Namjoon again, and the three of them start chatting away happily.

Namjoon and Jungkook tease Jimin with the slogans of products he’s been endorsing, and he throws his head back laughing, pushing Namjoon’s shoulder and disappearing from the frame. Jimin has only been working as a model, rejecting the multiple offers he’s received from Big Hit and other entertainment companies, and if Jungkook knows him as well as he thinks he does, he knows why, it’s the same reason why he doesn’t have his own place: he hasn’t accepted the fact that this disbandment is permanent, that they’ll never be a group again. Jimin hasn’t figured out how to move on.

To be honest, Jungkook doesn’t know how their whole dynamic will change when he does.

The time comes for Jungkook to go to Seoul. When his mother says goodbye to him, she reiterates her plans to visit him and Namjoon soon, which fills him with equal parts excitement and anxiety. They don’t even live together, but maybe she assumes that they do, or maybe she knows that their homes aren’t too far from each other. Either way, he hugs her nervously and thinks of her upcoming visit during his trip back home.

Home.

There was a time when he wasn’t sure where that was, always on the move, feeling homesick no matter where he was, but it’s all crystal clear to him now that his home is wherever Namjoon is. Jimin lets him know that he’ll stay out of the apartment and then proceeds to send him a bunch of suggestive (and some outright pornographic) GIFs. Jungkook doesn’t know where he gets them but he’s not even annoyed this time, he misses Namjoon so badly that the GIFs are actually fueling his imagination.

Besides, he knows that Jimin has his own motives for not being around today, considering Taehyung is coming back from Rome, where he had been shooting some scenes for his movie. They haven’t seen him in person lately, but judging from the pictures he has sent, he’s grown a badass goatee. Jungkook gives Jimin the mission to inform him if it’s real or not, though he’s not really expecting a reply anytime soon, just like he doesn’t plan to reply to absolutely anyone until he’s done catching up with Namjoon. He doesn’t know how long that’s going to take, but if he had to make an estimate, he’d have to consider 2 years worth of loving words, cuddles and kisses, over 20 months worth of lovemaking and indoor dates and of simply existing in the same space.

Jungkook is not really into numbers, but making a mental list of all the things he plans to do with Namjoon helps him relax and not think about the uncertainty of the future. Back when they started dating, they had decided to take it slow and deal with things as they came; luckily their personal relationship never got in the way of their professional one or vice versa, but they don’t have a work relationship anymore and their romantic one has outlived it, which is mostly good; since they’re not bandmates anymore, this is the ideal time for them to go public. On the other hand, however, they won’t see each other as often as they used to, and there’s no reason for their schedules to be compatible, but even so, he’s determined to make it work.

Jimin and Taehyung have been dealing with the same obstacle since the disbandment, though it’s probably worse in their case since they’re not even in the same company anymore. Taehyung signed with an entertainment agency that’s been impulsing his acting and music career simultaneously, though lately he’s been succeeding more as an actor. Meanwhile, Jimin has an independent manager who gets him all sorts of contracts so he can pick the ones he’s interested in. Their schedules rarely match, but they make the most out of the little time they get, so they give Jungkook hope.

At least he and Namjoon will still be able to see each other in the Big Hit building, and Namjoon even wrote him a song! He can write others, surely, they’ll see each other all the time…

Jungkook barely enters his apartment to drop off his luggage before heading out again. He doesn’t have to worry about anything that happened there in his absence, for Seokjin was in charge of checking it from time to time, as he always has.

Seokjin is in the same company as Taehyung, and though he’s mostly been praised for his ballad album where he even played some of the instruments, the general public fell in love with a minor role he played in a popular drama, so he’s already received an offer from the director to be the protagonist of his new one. Overall, Seokjin’s schedule is relatively comfortable, and all his work so far has been local, so he’s had sufficient time to check on Jungkook’s apartment and occasionally treat Namjoon and/or Hoseok for lunch.

Jungkook informs everyone that he’s heading home and everyone reacts accordingly, but the only reply he truly cares about at this moment is Namjoon’s, his true home, who sends him every single variation of the heart eyes emoji and some GIFs of himself bouncing excitedly. Jungkook hurries all the way to the apartment, and then, finally, opens the door to see him. The moment his eyes land on the love of his life, all rational thoughts leave his head and the only word that comes out of his mouth is “Wow.”

He has seen his recent photos, he videocalled just last week, and he saw him in person a couple of times when he visited him during his service, but reuniting with him like this is different. He looks so good. He has always looked good, but he seems to have become broader, more muscular, and yet softer, gentler. He’s also wearing shorts, which even by itself is enough to make Jungkook’s brain short-circuit. The thought that Namjoon has become even more handsome in his absence brings tears to his eyes, even if it doesn’t make sense.

Jungkook doesn’t know which one of them closes the distance, but based on the fact that he seems to be frozen in time, it’s probably Namjoon who does. All he knows is that he’s suddenly surrounded by the castle of his lover’s arms and he’s inhaling the scent that he missed so much and his tears are falling freely now. “I’m home”, he mumbles softly before Namjoon presses his lips against his.

“You are”. He confirms, smiling happily and kissing him again. Jungkook allows himself to enjoy these simple chaste kisses, the touch of skin on skin that he hasn’t been able to have in so long, the warmth spreading from Namjoon to him and viceversa, and he closes his eyes, savoring this precious moment. However, his hands are restless and eager to confirm if Namjoon has truly been working out more these days (months?), so they roam freely from Namjoon’s waist to his back and shoulders, and… he gasps. He is stronger, it wasn’t his imagination.

However, Namjoon must have misinterpreted his gasp of genuine surprise as something else, for his kiss is no longer chaste and he growls, pushing Jungkook’s back against the nearest wall. Wow, okay, strong indeed. And hot. Very hot, Jungkook mentally notes. He doesn’t mind the misunderstanding, actually, he welcomes it, remembering the GIFs Jimin sent him and realizing that Jimin wasn’t even making fun of him, but of Namjoon. It makes sense, Jimin has been staying with Namjoon these days, so he would know just how much he has been missing Jungkook.

The mental image of Namjoon feeling frustrated over him is both hilarious and endearing, and he wants nothing more than to make up for all the time they spent apart, so he softly pushes him away, just far enough to get some space to remove his shirt. He laughs at the way Namjoon silently stares at his naked torso, for silent staring is his job, but he welcomes that too, grabbing his hands and placing them over his own skin, inviting –imploring- him to just touch.

“I missed you so much”, he says, realizing how dumb he must look as a shirtless crying man, but Namjoon has known him for so long that he’s used to this level of sappiness, so he puts one hand firmly on his waist while the other cups his cheek tenderly.

“And I missed you. Missed the sound of your voice and your bunny smile.” He kisses him again. “Missed watching you randomly fall asleep in the middle of the day, missed you hugging me from behind when I least expect it.”

The next kiss is longer, but he keeps talking afterwards. “I know we didn’t get much alone time during our final year, but at least I could see you every day… and then the government cruelly stole you away.”

Jungkook can’t help laughing at that part, but yeah, it’s true. He remembers that when Namjoon served, he felt quite lost for the first few weeks, but at least he had the members, Bangtan, ARMY, a purpose… so he was able to come to terms with it, but Namjoon has been not only without him but without Bangtan as well during these 2 years. Sure, he talks to the guys every day and he keeps in touch with ARMY on every platform, but still, it’s not the same. It’s never going to be the same.

“Yeah, the timing just sucked, but I’m back now.” He answers with a smile as he helps Namjoon out of his shirt. He doesn’t want to think of sad things right now, just wants to dive into Namjoon, wants his scent and his kisses all over his body, wants to leave everything else on hold. “I’m back and I’m home and I’m yours.”

Namjoon gets him right away and lets him take the lead. They don’t talk while leaving a trail of clothes on the way to Namjoon’s bedroom, except for those rushed ‘I missed you’ and ‘I missed this’ between kisses. Namjoon’s skin is the canvas for all the love he’s been saving during 2 years, and he asks for permission to mark it all over. It’s alright now, even if they’re visible, there are no performances or photoshoots in his near future. The thought is bittersweet, but Jungkook focuses on the part of it that’s liberating, sees it as a good start to a new chapter.

They both come way too quickly, almost like the first time they were together, eager like a couple of teenagers. However, unlike their first time, there’s no embarrassment about it, instead they laugh and cuddle and then try again, slower, deeper, longer. Afterwards, when Namjoon is lying face down and Jungkook is raining kisses on his back (it’s much wider now than the last time, so he feels like claiming the land), he decides to bring it up.

“Hyung… I want to tell ARMY about you.”

“What about me?”

“I mean… about us.”

There’s a pause where Jungkook isn’t sure if Namjoon heard him, but he notices the way his muscles tense up and his breath becomes shallow, so he gives him a moment.

“…okay.”

He doesn’t sound at all okay, so Jungkook rolls off of him to lie on his side, facing him. “While I was serving, I had time to think about a lot of stuff, hyung, important stuff. I think more about the future now… I don’t want to keep hiding anymore, I don’t want to live in fear of getting caught, I just want us to be us, you know? The real us.”

“It’s alright, you don’t have to justify yourself. If you want to tell them, you should.” Namjoon moves so he’s lying on his side as well, rubbing Jungkook’s arm.

It’s weird.

“You sound like you’re supporting me, but this is about you as well.” Jungkook frowns. “How do you feel about it?”

Namjoon makes an expression he can’t quite read. It really looks like he’s just telling Jungkook to do what makes him happy, as if he’s talking about a different boyfriend, as if this has nothing to do with him.

“I… I have thought about it too, but I don’t know, it always felt like a distant idea, like something that would happen one day, but I didn’t know when.” He says calmly. “If the time has come, let’s do it.”

Jungkook gulps, swallowing down his vivid fantasies of marriage and children. It really shouldn’t surprise him; Namjoon has always been so practical, of course he’s thought about it, but he’s probably seen it more as another necessary step in their relationship, or worse, in their careers, not as a door that leads to the fulfillment of Jungkook’s most recurrent dream. He forces a smile anyway and doesn’t talk about it any further.

After a hot bath, they take a nap together, and Jungkook has another dream: he and Namjoon are sitting on a field while some kids are running around with a dog. It should be an ordinary scene, but the field is purple and the sky is yellow and everything looks shiny and bubbly and plain plastic, the kind of dream that you can tell right away is not real. He wakes up to find himself koala-hugging Namjoon, and he expects to feel sad, but he doesn’t. Just because Namjoon hasn’t explicitly told him that he wants to marry him, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to, it just means that the thought hasn’t crossed his mind yet.

Yet.

That word takes the form of hope in his heart from that moment on, as he carefully disentangles himself from his boyfriend’s still sleeping form and gets out of the bed to finally return to the real world. He has literal hundreds of unread messages, both personal and work-related, but he overlooks most of them, focusing on the ones from his former manager. In short, they are desperate to meet with him and get to confirm if he’ll continue working with them and when. He didn’t want to start talking about work so soon, but he figures the earlier he lays down his terms, the better, so they schedule an appointment for the next day.

Namjoon wakes up when Jungkook is putting together something edible for both of them, and apologizes for not getting groceries these days. Jungkook scolds him for trying to live on takeout food (how the tables have turned) and informs him about the meeting. He also reiterates his plan to go public, to which Namjoon replies with words of encouragement and that same weird expression he had on earlier. Jungkook is too scared to ask him what it means, and besides, he wants to sink in the beauty of Namjoon’s bedhair, bare face and thick-rimmed glasses, eating Jungkook’s homemade meal and praising him for it.

He looks so… domestic, soft and real, that it takes all of Jungkook’s willpower to hold back from proposing to him right here and now. Instead, he tries to distract himself by checking his personal messages.

“Woah, it is real!”

“What?”

“V-hyung’s goatee.”

They reply to Jimin and finish their meal while catching up on things, holding hands and stealing small kisses between random stories. As much as Jungkook would like to stay here living a domestic fantasy, he has work tomorrow, and he knows that Namjoon will most likely stay up all night composing, so he goes home, to his own house that doesn’t feel remotely as homely as this place, after staying way too long at the door hugging Namjoon goodbye. He likes to think that he’s not the clingy type, but recent evidence suggests otherwise.

He calls Namjoon first thing in the morning simply because he can, because after 2 years he can finally afford the luxury of hearing his boyfriend’s voice when he needs his reassurance. He was feeling confident yesterday but now he’s terrified, this will be the first time he goes to a work meeting by himself, and even though Namjoon has spent years mentoring him for this moment, he still doesn’t feel ready. Namjoon showers him with praise, reminds him that he can do anything and says he believes in him, but Jungkook asks him to stay on the call while he gets ready, just talking about anything to make him feel more comfortable.

He wishes Namjoon were here so he could hide behind him, but he’ll have to make do with him being present in his heart, the echo of his words still ringing in his ears.

The meeting is terrifying as he expected. He’s 30 years old but he still feels like 15, surrounded by some familiar faces and other unknown ones. Their attitudes are very kind, exaggeratedly thankful, bordering on desperate, and he knows why: because every single one of his hyungs went through a meeting like this when their contracts expired, and only Namjoon and Hoseok agreed to keep working with them, while Jungkook said he’d give them a response after his military duty. He understands their desperation, losing 4 out of 7 artists that they thought would remain loyal to the company forever, but he also understands his hyungs’ reasons: Seokjin was never given an opportunity to act until he left; Taehyung’s artistic vision was always restricted; Yoongi always wanted to have his own company and Jimin simply didn’t see the point in staying in Big Hit if Bangtan wasn’t going to exist anymore.

Jungkook knows that the executives are only doing their best to assure him that he’ll have everything he needs: comfort, budget, artistic freedom, security and privacy; that they’ve learned from their mistakes, that they want what’s best for him, they’ve been his family for so long. He actually kind of expects them to bring up the Namjoon card, if he came here for Namjoon, wouldn’t they assume that he’ll stay for him as well, especially considering that they’ve been a couple for 8 years now? But, he figures that they don’t really want to make any direct associations with Bangtan if they want to convince him to start a solo career, so it’s actually pretty smart on their part.

Still, at some point of the meeting (probably around the time when they’re presenting the long-term investment plan) he lets his mind wander. He does want to keep singing forever, wants to touch the hearts of many people with his music, but he doesn’t want to sing lies or to have to hide his real self from the audience. He has more money than he needs, so he doesn’t really care about that and doesn’t know why they’re presenting this plan to him when the guilt he carries for lying to everyone has become so heavy. He just wants to drop it, is that too much to ask?

Suddenly, there’s silence and all eyes are on him, and it takes him two beats to realize that they’re waiting for him to answer. His heart buzzes in his ears, this is it, his moment to speak out, only his. Namjoon can’t speak on his behalf while he hides behind him anymore.

Right, Jungkook can’t hide behind him anymore, he’ll stand proudly by his side and they’ll give each other strength. That’s how things should be from now on.

“Well, clearly you’ve got everything figured out so there isn’t much for me to contribute,” he starts, unsurely. “I don’t know the details about what kinds of offers you made to the other members, but as for me- sorry, I meant to the former members, but as for me, the main reason why I want to stay in this company is because I literally grew up here, so I think most of the people who work here know me well enough to make me feel comfortable and cared for.”

He watches a few of them nod along, especially the familiar faces, though he doesn’t even know their first names and they’re really not the people he’s thinking about when he speaks of comfort and care; he’s talking about the managers, the stylists and the staff members who he grew up around and half of who have retired by now, but he doesn’t stop to clarify. “And, this company has also been keeping a very important secret of mine for many years, one that only a handful of my relatives and close friends know about.”

He watches some of the executives move in their chairs or tug on the sleeves of their suits, the only indication that they received the message, but their faces are still blank and expectant. Jungkook can feel his own pulse buzzing, and he feels so small, but he closes his eyes and sees the picture of the life he’s longing for. If he backs out now, he’ll never have it. “I’ve felt cared for in that respect as well, and I have no doubt that we’ll work well together, but just as we trusted you to keep that secret, I trust that you will help me reveal it to the public in the most respectful and professional manner.”

The reactions are mixed. Some of them furrow their eyebrows in confusion, others blink rapidly in disbelief, while others gaze down as if considering it. Jungkook wants to run away, throw up, and cry at the same time, but he sits still and waits. He gets a flashback of the first time he told Namjoon he was in love with him, the same expectation, the uncertainty and the fear of being rejected, but a sense of peace and closure underneath. He figures he’ll feel it again when he finally tells the world about it, so he might as well get used to it.

Eventually, one of the familiar faces clasps his hands together and smiles brightly, promising him that he doesn’t have to worry about that, that they’ll help him separate his private life from his career, but Jungkook shakes his head.

“That’s the opposite of what I want. I want—I need to be the same person on and off-stage, I want to be able to look at people in the eye and be completely honest with them, I want my fans to know that it’s alright to be in love with someone of the same gender, that it’s not a shameful secret.”

There are no stoic faces in the room anymore, as everyone finally catches up. Another one of the familiar faces tells him that it’s a deep subject, and that they should discuss it in detail some other time, with his partner present as well. They promise to listen to him then and to reach an agreement that will benefit everyone, but they can only offer him any kind of agreement at all if he is their artist, so they encourage him to sign now and schedule a follow-up meeting.

Jungkook stares at the stack of papers in front of him, realizing that this is what everything is reduced to. The first time, his parents signed for him; the second time, he didn’t even bother reading before signing, because the alternative was disbanding and he really wasn’t ready for that back then; and now, the alternative is… moving to another company where he doesn’t know anyone and having to trust them to reveal his secret, without any guarantee that they’ll agree to it or that they’ll respect his orientation, his relationship, or his audience.

Even in a hypothetical scenario, he can’t really see that working out for him, so as he skims through the contents of the contract, he’s only thinking about the kind of songs he’ll be able to perform once he’s free, the love he’ll be able to spread and the mundane home life he’ll build with Namjoon alongside their successful careers.

And just like that, he’s excitedly signing without reading again.

The following days are busy. Not as hectic as his schedule used to be, but a stark contrast to the relaxing days he had spent with his family in Busan. Every day there’s a meeting, a company meal, a new staff assigned to him. He’s trending on social media, and his phone is blowing up with messages from celebrity friends and non-friends alike. There are statistical projections, marketing strategies and production budgets being discussed, and he wonders if it’s really necessary for him to be present, considering they have clearly been planning this since before he came back. However, he forces himself to focus and participate, otherwise this project will simply lack a heart.

Jungkook has been in this industry long enough to know that people want sensible artists they can relate to, but the ones handling those artists couldn’t care less about their feelings. It’s a harsh dichotomy, trying to bare your soul while protecting your vulnerabilities at the same time, yearning to be loved but not used, remaining strong yet gentle. He wants ARMY to see the same person they’ve always known and he wants them to really believe in him, not just to latch onto anything he creates just because they’re desperate after the hiatus, so he makes an effort to remind everyone of that.

He’s still not very eloquent so he borrows Namjoon’s words, Namjoon who was always the best leader, who always knew what to say to maintain that balance between what the members wanted to express and what the company needed from them. He doesn’t have that same confidence, but he believes in himself and his message, so he participates actively even in the meetings that he doesn’t really care about. He meets Namjoon and Hoseok during a coffee break and posts some pictures of the three of them, which makes a lot of fans happy. It makes him happy in turn, and motivates him to pull through the rest of the preparations.

He doesn’t see Namjoon as often as he hoped he would, but they have dinner together a few times that week and Namjoon eventually shows him the song he wrote for him, still untitled and referred to as the song for now. Unsurprisingly, Jungkook loves it so much that he can’t wait for all the meetings to be over for the recording sessions to start, so he records his own studio version and shares it with Namjoon only. He’s usually generous and would have shown it to the rest of his hyungs and ARMY, but they had 2 extra years of Namjoon that he’s still trying to catch up with, so he wants to have this just between the two of them.

(However, he suspects that Namjoon showed Jimin the song or at the very least a snippet, because he hasn’t bugged him about wanting to listen to it, which he definitely would be doing otherwise. Jungkook doesn’t mention it anyway.)

A few days later, the meetings finally become interesting again as they discuss the album’s concept and listen to the demos. The overall consensus is that they want to show the audience a bright and energetic concept by a solo artist who can sing, dance, and rap wonderfully and put on a one-man show, but who’s still easy to differentiate from their other current solo artist j-hope. They study Hoseok a lot in the next meetings, which Jungkook finds very amusing because he knows him so well empirically but had never studied him as an academic subject.

He believes Hoseok has his charms while he has his own, but it’s hard for him to put that into words, and he gets lost in the sea of technicalities, so he focuses on the music instead. The kind of music he makes will determine what kind of concept they can go for, and since j-hope already has a distinctive sound, they should just try to avoid anything that sounds too similar to it. This ends up being not too much fun for Jungkook, because not only does he have to almost completely discard several music genres that he likes, but he also has to struggle to remove Hoseok’s influence from him, which is almost impossible.

This is the first time the disbandment truly hits him. Sure, it had hurt before, and they had cried together countless times during their final year, but it had been different. They knew that they’d never be a group again and they had each been given a few hours of counseling to make sure that everyone was assimilating the upcoming loss in a healthy way, but even then, it had felt liberating. He was satisfied with everything they had accomplished and he had been able to experience all of their ‘lasts’ more intensely knowing that there wouldn’t be another chance to do it over, but he had no regrets and he was excited about what other things awaited them in the future.

This, however, feels too difficult. In his mind, he’s still Bangtan’s maknae Jungkook, and he kind of expects the audience to keep seeing him that way. He had envisioned his solo career as a continuation to Bangtan, not a separation. Asking him to remove the influence of his hyungs feels like a kick to the gut, he can’t. It’s not that he can’t be his own person, but a big part of who he is today is strongly intertwined with who the other members are. He briefly wonders if the rest have been able to do it, if they’ve removed him from their beings, and he starts to understand why Jimin hasn’t completely been able to move forward.

Ironically enough, he doesn’t contribute much to these meetings, letting them make notes on what changes should be done to the demos and schedule follow-ups with the producers. He spends most of one texting Namjoon just to tell him how drained he feels and how he’s not so sure this album is going to really be his. Namjoon encourages him to speak up for what he believes in, and assures him that he’s got his back; after all, he is one of the producers. This makes him light up again, and he knows that at the very least, the song will undoubtedly sound like Bangtan’s Jungkook.

Namjoon is leading a production meeting and Jungkook is in love.

He’s speaking confidently as ever, protective and trusting of Jungkook’s hard work, talent and dedication, convincing everyone else to let Jungkook lead the creative process and trust his vision and skills. Namjoon has this almost magical effect on people, which leads the rest to reconsider their points of view, and Jungkook knows that he’s only preparing the field for him and he should be contributing something, but it feels like a crime to interrupt Namjoon. He hasn’t seen him in this element for so long and he looks so handsome and assured and right, like he was made for this, that all Jungkook can do is watch and listen in silence.

There’s a little voice in the back of his mind telling him that he’s not supposed to do this anymore, he’s 30 years old and he can speak for himself, but Namjoon is just really, naturally good at this, and on top of that, he doesn’t mind. Sure, he’s been encouraging Jungkook to speak up for years, but he has never refused to intervene when Jungkook has been going through a difficult time, such as now. It makes Jungkook feel safe, and he thinks he also makes Namjoon feel safe when he cooks for him or when he organizes his shoes or when he physically removes him from the studio when he’s been stuck in there for way too many hours. They protect each other, like a good team, like a good couple.

He thinks they could be good husbands.

There’s a longing in his heart as he just watches Namjoon, his every feature and every gesture. He thought he’d get over this eventually, that he’d stop thinking that Namjoon is the most amazing person in the world and he’d be able to just see him as the guy he’s dating, but he’s still lovestruck, the only difference being that now he actually enjoys feeling like this because he knows Namjoon loves him back just as much. Namjoon stopped talking a while ago and now one of the executives is answering something, but Jungkook doesn’t have to bother looking at him to know that Namjoon just won him over.

It’s only when Namjoon turns to look at him and he tries to smile, that he realizes he’s been grinning like an idiot in love the whole time.

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Namjoon says, pointing at his face. “Jungkook is a complex artist full of contradictions, so he can pull off any role in any storyline. Instead of restricting what genres and concepts he shouldn’t do, we should discuss letting him do things that haven’t been done yet by anyone in this company.”

Jungkook realizes with mild horror that he should have paid attention to whatever the executive said in the last few minutes, and the confusion must be apparent on his face because Namjoon smiles at him reassuringly and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“So let’s not rule out anything yet, even if the demos sound too much like j-hope or Bangtan, let’s play with the lyrics and vocals first before deciding what makes or doesn’t make the cut.” Namjoon continues.

It’s good enough for Jungkook to catch his drift; basically, nothing is established yet and he can experiment with anything. He won’t be restricted to specific genres or themes, at least in the early process until the album starts to develop its own mood. This is a lot like how his mixtapes came along, with no clear concept in the beginning until the songs started to relate to each other almost on their own. This means that if Namjoon convinces the rest of the production team (and Jungkook is sure he will), Jungkook will be able to make this album sound however he wants, which is a thrilling thought.

As expected, Jungkook is given a lot of trust and creative freedom for his first solo album, as he’s allowed to participate in everything from composition to post production. His deadlines are short so he finds himself busy most of the time, although he doesn’t really mind that as much as the loneliness. It’s weird doing it alone and knowing that everything is going to be for himself, but he takes comfort in the fact that his hyungs message him every day and promise that they’ll cheer for him on his debut stage just like they did for Hoseok (one of the saddest days of his service, when he could only watch him on TV instead of in person like the rest of them).

Another thing that’s comforting is that he gets to spend time with Namjoon every single day, because the company decided to prioritize this album over every other project that he had. They discuss lyrics, arrange tracks and flirt shamelessly, but mostly, they talk. Their conversations range from catching up on the past two years to music to abstract concepts to things that are bothering them lately, and they end up shaping the contents of his lyrics, until the album eventually starts to develop its concept.

Unsurprisingly, it’s about love, which is overused and was thoroughly deconstructed by Bangtan over the span of several years, but he believes that his personal take is different, telling a story that begins with confusing feelings from his teenage years, continues with a love that burns brightly behind closed doors, and ends right here, with a sincere heart hoping to be understood and forgiven. He wants to think that his album will serve as a support to his confession, hopes that it will provide the explanation that Big Hit’s official statement won’t.

There’s a deadline for that as well, or at least for the meeting that will determine when and how that statement will be released. Unlike the other meetings, this one will only be between Bang PD, Namjoon, and himself, and he’s not sure if that makes it better or worse. For all purposes, Bang PD has been the closest thing to a surrogate father figure during all the years Jungkook has been in the industry, but that doesn’t erase the fact that, even above that, he’s the CEO of the company Jungkook works for, so to put it simply, he’s more than a little worried.

“So… how long has it been now? Around five years? Six?”

Contrary to Jungkook’s expectations and nightmares, the meeting is very informal, almost like a regular conversation. The three of them are sitting in a rather small studio that he’s not familiar with, and Bang PD is wearing a t-shirt and jeans, shuffling through some papers as he asks the question without any preamble.

“Eight.” Namjoon replies.

“Eight.” The CEO raises his eyebrows, setting the papers down. “That must have been… Was it back during Love Yourself era?”

“Yes, during the Love Yourself world tour, to be exact.” Namjoon answers, nodding.

“Right, right, I have some recollection of you wanting to meet urgently as soon as you came back to Korea.” Bang PD continues. “I can’t believe it’s been eight years, I thought you wouldn’t make it past two months.”

He chuckles at his own words, and Jungkook knows he’s just joking but he can’t bring himself to laugh along. He’s always been aware of the fact that no one believes in them or even cares about whether they’re happy or whether their relationship is strong or not. It’s something he has come to accept but it doesn’t mean he can take it lightly. The CEO seems to notice he made them uncomfortable, so he carries on.

“Anyway, you signed all this stuff back then,” He gestures at the stack of papers that Jungkook infers are the discretion agreements and additional clauses and every other document that Namjoon had to sign eight years ago when he informed the company that they were together. “You’ve been doing a good job so far, and now all of a sudden you want to go public. I need to ask why.”

“Well, I think it would be better if Jungkook answers this question.”

Jungkook was never asked to officially inform the company and he never signed any of those documents back then, because Namjoon had taken full responsibility for everything. At that time, Jungkook had felt relieved because he didn’t want to bare his personal life to the higher-ups of their company, especially when their relationship was still so new and fragile, but over the years he started to realize that the fact that he was never asked to say anything about a relationship that was just as his as it was Namjoon’s, was plain demeaning, so he understands why Namjoon is giving him that platform now.

“Um, well…” he starts shakily, but pushes through. “As you know, I’m preparing for my solo debut, so the thing is, I want… this person, this Jungkook, this artist, to be just me. And there’s this important part of myself that I haven’t disclosed before, and I don’t want to keep waiting to do it.”

“Yeah, I understand that, and don’t get me wrong, this is guaranteed to get people talking which is excellent, but here’s the thing: you literally just got back from military service, yeah? And everyone has already figured out that you’re preparing to debut soon, so I don’t think it will be very believable for the public that you are in a relationship right now.” Bang PD answers very calmly. “So I think it would be very smart of you to ‘come out’ right before your album drops, but involving Namjoon… I think it’s unnecessary.”

Jungkook doesn’t know how to respond to that. He had considered doing it by himself if Namjoon wasn’t ready, so it’s not like he’s opposed to the idea, but… how can he say that he wants Namjoon to be involved? That he wants to be able to hold his hand in public and mention him in cheesy tweets and tell his fans that the songs are about him, without sounding pathetic?

“I disagree with that. It might not be necessary from a publicity perspective, but this is something that’s important for Jungkook’s wellbeing as well as mine.” Namjoon adds, surprisingly. “I don’t think he should go through it alone since I am involved, whether it’s believable or not.”

The CEO sighs and rubs his temples. “You know you’re going to get a lot of backlash, right? Your image will be burned to the ground. I don’t think it’s worth it, and I’m not saying this as your boss or whatever, but as your friend. Unless you have a greater purpose than just going public for the sake of it, you’ll lose a lot more than you’ll gain.”

Jungkook feels like protesting, like asking if this isn’t a great purpose in itself, but he realizes that the CEO is talking directly to Namjoon, again, that he’s being excluded from a meeting that he requested, so instead of saying anything, he scoots closer to Namjoon and holds his hand firmly, which startles him. Namjoon opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything, looking from Jungkook’s intense stare towards Bang PD, his free hand going to his chest reflexively as if he’s going to apologize for something, but the CEO stops him with a shake of his head and a raised hand.

“It’s fine, you don’t need to- It’s fine.” He says, crossing his arms. “Right, so, if you’re both determined to do it, I’m not going to stop you. I don’t really want to stop you, just want you to be clear on what will most likely happen.”

“I want to go through with it.” Jungkook says, then turns to look at Namjoon again. “What about you, hyung?”

Namjoon isn’t looking at either of them when he responds, “Me too.”

A few days later, Jungkook receives his own stack of papers to sign, which he does take the time to read. In short, they inform him of how the statement will be released and how the company refuses to be held accountable for any unforeseen or unwanted consequences. Big Hit will release the official statement 4 days before his debut song drops, and he is forbidden from announcing it to any media source before then. It’s clear that this is a convenient marketing strategy but they don’t want to be linked to any negativity that may come from it, still, he’s going to get what he wants, so he can’t really complain.

Now, he’s not so sure about what Namjoon wants. Even though he has agreed with him from the start, something seems off. Jungkook doesn’t really feel like asking what’s wrong, because they’re still reconnecting after his military service, having a wonderful time making music together and going on little indoor dates and having as much of a sex life as they can before his debut and promotions steal away all his time and energy, and Namjoon is acting normal as long as that particular topic isn’t mentioned, so he doesn’t really want to burst that bubble of peacefulness.

His album is also coming together quite nicely, now that almost everyone in the company knows the kind of story he’s trying to tell, the producers help him along in conveying those feelings. The concept they’re going for also reflects it, with the teaser photos featuring him breaking free from a cage, jumping over a fence and partially hiding behind a curtain. Namjoon teases that they should just literally take shots of him coming out of a closet, but no one seems to find it as funny as Jungkook does. The entire behind the scenes of those photo sessions is filmed to be released sometime during promotions, so Jungkook thinks that by the time people watch it, they will have already known.

Some people already know, well, infer it just from the pictures. His precious ARMY have always been so smart, always figuring out the hints for their comebacks, so of course they’d be able to understand the message behind these photos as well. He has seen all sorts of theories on social media: some of them believe they represent him breaking free from artistic restrictions (and well, they’re not exactly wrong); others believe that it will be revealed that Bangtan secretly felt like a prison for him (not true); while the largest portion have figured out that he’s going to unveil a secret about himself and that it’s most likely about his sexuality, based on the symbolism and the name of the album (It’s called Open Doors, because both he and Namjoon emphasized that they didn’t want any kind of negative connotations attached to his story about love and honesty, even though the overall tone is kind of apologetic).

Jungkook spends a good amount of time reading a few well-constructed theories, some of which even miss the point by reading too much into it, but he feels happy seeing how encouraging everyone is being, although it’s mere speculation by now. He starts to feel reassured that times have changed and people have overcome prejudice and he has nothing to worry about, after all, ARMY and Bangtan have always been there for each other.

He agreed not to reveal anything to the press before Big Hit’s official statement, but since nothing was discussed about talking to regular people, he figures he’s allowed to tell his friends and family, which includes ARMY. It just feels wrong to let them find out about something so personal through such an impersonal statement, and he thinks there must be some kind of legal void that allows him to get away with it. He discusses it with Namjoon, who reasons that telling the entire fandom about it is the equivalent of telling every media outlet in the world, in terms of having the same undesired outcome of Big Hit losing priority and control of the information.

Jungkook is aware of this, but, again, he wants his audience to trust him and he can’t really ask that from them if he’s not being transparent, so he decides to take a third option and only give them a spoiler of what the statement will be about, thus creating as much expectation around it as the album itself.

He figures it’s a win-win situation.

[Live] It’s me, Jungkook ♥

“Hello~ It’s been a while~” He starts, waving at his screen with a smile. He waits in silence for a few seconds, watching the number of viewers increase and trying to figure out the differences in the new interface. “Or should I say ‘nice to meet you’? This is my first time here on my own channel. I’m a new artist, so please be kind.”

He laughs nervously and takes a moment to read a few of the incoming comments out loud. “Jungkook-oppa, I missed you! Ah, I missed you too, really, I missed everyone so much that I couldn’t wait until my debut stage to talk to you.”

It’s true, this is the first time he uses his solo artist account, but he feels comfortably welcome by the people who love him and who he loves in a way that he’s unable to describe, and the familiarity he feels dissipates all the lonely feelings he had been experiencing during this whole process.

You look good!

You look healthy

Was military service hard?

Thank you for coming back to us

I missed you

Are some of the most common messages he reads, and he can’t help but smile. He loves them dearly, and wants them to be okay as well, to be happy as well, he wants each and every one of them to achieve their dreams, to love themselves and to surround themselves with people who love them.

“I love you.” He says out loud, without even thinking about it. “Serving wasn’t hard, it was very good, I learned a lot… I also think that I was able to mature more while I was serving; I don’t see myself, or our country, or the world, the same way as I did before then, and also… I think that it made me braver in a sense. I want to do things for my own wellbeing and happiness, and be more upfront about what I want. And, I hope that ARMY can do the same. I’ll support your efforts.”

He shakes a fist encouragingly, and tries to answer to other frequent comments. “I’ve been eating well, yes, even though I’m on a diet right now, but it’s not too strict. I feel healthy and strong. I want to show you a strong and brave Jeon Jungkook on stage and everywhere else.”

Most of the following incoming messages are either about his appearance, about his solo debut, or about Bangtan. He tries to ignore answering them: the first category makes him embarrassed; the second is something he’s not supposed to disclose yet because this Live wasn’t scheduled by the company, there’s going to be one specifically for talking about the album soon; and the third is also something he’s not technically allowed to go on about, even though the other four members all left on friendly terms he’s not supposed to publically support their post-Bangtan careers. So instead, he brings up other subjects: games he’s been playing, books he’s been reading, dramas he’s been watching, and asking ARMY how they’ve been spending their time while he was away.

The answers vary and their overall taste is bittersweet. Some fans are still young, attending college or even high school, with dreams of succeeding in different fields and changing the world; others are around his age or older, some of them have kept busy working or pursuing higher education, some are married, some have kids and some are longing for them. He smiles sadly as he can’t help remembering his recurrent dreams, but feels like less of a loser knowing that a lot of people he cares about have similar fantasies, so he believes they’ll understand him even if he can’t disclose the whole story… at least, not yet.

“I’m happy for everyone, you’ve been spending your time really well,” he nods, smiling sincerely. “I think that all of your dreams are precious and I hope they’ll come true.”

He closes his eyes, pretending he’s on stage again surrounded by everyone who’s watching and listening to him. “But you know that dreams don’t just come true by themselves, right? You have to fight for them, fight with your whole heart even if the whole world opposes you. You know this, right?”

He opens his eyes again but doesn’t bother reading the replies, trusting that his words are confident and sincere enough to get his message across. “I have a dream as well, and I feel ashamed for not pursuing it earlier but, I really didn’t want to hurt anyone. I still don’t want to. Please promise me you won’t be hurt.”

He breathes in deeply, still not reading the new messages, worried that he’ll chicken out if he does. He’s so determined to do it, the words are burning in his tongue, but at the same time he’s terrified. He loves them and knows how much they love him, but that’s exactly the reason why he feels that there’s so much on the line. He takes another breath, a bit too sudden, gets a little dizzy, and he breathes it out just as abruptly, sort of pouting at nothing and no one in particular.

“I want to tell you something.” He says, before clearing his throat. He can feel his racing pulse everywhere on his body. “It was a secret until today, but I don’t want it to be anymore. I want to tell you. You deserve to hear it from me.”

This is it. Again. Confession déjà vu.

“Actually, I’m in love with someone. And that person loves me back.” A pause. “I have a romantic relationship with someone. I’m taken. It’s very serious. I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t know why he’s apologizing. All the times he rehearsed what he wanted to say, he never apologized. He knows that he hasn’t wronged anyone, but he feels guilty regardless for keeping such an important secret from the people he loves the most, no matter how aware he is on a rational level that he’s entitled to some privacy.

He doesn’t know how to go from there, so he tries to read some comments, focusing on the short ones because his vision is blurry and his heartbeat is so erratic that it’s distracting.

Congratulations!!! Is the first one that catches his eye.

No way!!! :o reads another one.

I’M DEVASTATED

Our Jungkook is all grown up TT

Are you serious though or just messing with us lol

So lucky!! I’m still single

Most of the short messages are variations of the above, and his racing heart progressively calms down as he reads them. The majority of them are positive, with the exception of maybe the ones that have crying or broken heart emojis, but he assumes that they’re joking. He hasn’t told them the whole thing yet, but he already feels happy, and he knows that it shows because he starts getting other comments like Aww you look happy, Oppa’s eyes are shining so bright and Are you thinking about her right now? Hehe

“Oh.” He says out loud about his two simultaneous realizations: one, he’s being very transparent, and two, some of them are assuming the gender of his partner. “Mmm…”

He taps his chin as he evaluates how to continue. He considers leaving it open, they’ll find out once the official statement is out anyway, but that also feels wrong. There’s still a whole week before then, a whole week during which some of them will envision him with a girl or will even construct elaborated theories linking him to various female celebrities, wasting their time so uselessly just to be –possibly- disappointed.

Jungkook sighs heavily. The way he sees it, this whole secret contains several layers of disappointment for several different people. His family was disappointed about him being with a man; the company was disappointed with both of them for getting involved with a bandmate without thinking of the possible repercussions (although in reality they had thoroughly discussed them before talking to the higher ups); and now he thinks the audience could be disappointed about him dating anyone at all (it’s an unspoken agreement that he belongs to them, although so far most of the reactions have been positive), about that person being a man, or about that person being another member (who also belongs to them).

He’s going to hurt them.

“I am happy.” He starts, heart rate picking up again. “I hope that you feel happy for me just as I do for you. I want to… tell you one more thing.”

He’s going to hurt them and that’s the reason why he held back from saying it so many times before, but he’s gonna have to do it at some point and he’s tired, so tired and he prepared for this moment for so long, he can’t back out, he won’t.

“The person I love is someone of the same gender as myself.” He clears his throat, where he could swear his heart is currently lodged. “I have a boyfriend.”

This time he keeps his mouth shut before he can apologize again, but his vision is blurry this time too and he’s sweating profusely. His chest also hurts, probably because his heart is no longer in it. He expects in silence, but he doesn’t know what he’s expecting, because the comments keep piling up but he can’t read them, doesn’t dare to, physically can’t. What is he even waiting for?

There’s a low and short buzz coming from his phone that startles him. He muted everyone and everything before starting this Live, except for one person, so it can only be him. He wasn’t actually expecting to receive any messages or to interrupt himself to answer them, it’s just that he has always felt bad about muting Namjoon. However, right now it seems to provide an ideal distraction, so he reaches for it with a trembling hand, saying “Sorry” out loud to excuse himself to his viewers.

My love

I didn’t know you’d be doing it today. I feel

nervous on your behalf, but you’re doing so

well! Hyung is very proud of you 

He grins almost reflexively, clutching the phone with both hands because he’s still shaking all over and he’s scared of dropping it. It feels like being home again, because even if Namjoon isn’t physically present he still comforts him and reminds him that he’s not alone in this, or in anything really. His message, simple as it may be, reminds him of every reason he has to go through with this, and as his vision focuses on the words over and over, he’s able to progressively calm down enough to look back at the bigger screen, where new comments keep appearing.

“Sorry, that was…” he grins again, unable to stop himself. He still feels anxious, but it’s turned into the type of anxiety that gets him hyped up and brave. “My boyfriend just texted me to send support. I told him before that I wanted to talk to you guys but I didn’t tell him when I’d do it, so… even he is surprised.”

He finally reads the words on the screen, makes sense of them.

Did I hear you right? Both times you said boy-friend, didn’t you?

I can’t believe it. I’m shocked

I knew it!!!!!!!!11

I feel bad. I don’t wanna support you anymore

This means Vkook can be real right? Please

I thought you were gonna talk about the album? Not about you liking men?

I don’t care, as long as oppa is happy

Please say you’re joking!! I can’t stand losing you to a guy!!

You’re just trying to get attention, too bad, I really respected you

These reactions are more diverse than the ones from before, and most of them hurt. He doesn’t really count how many of them are positive, but he knows that their effect is very small compared to the negative ones, each one of them feeling like a kick to the gut. Over the course of his life he has received a significant amount of hate, both anonymous and direct, but he always assumed that it came from people who didn’t really know him, the kind of people that Namjoon and Yoongi wrote lyrics about, people whose hate was born from their ignorance, people who could possibly change their minds about them if they listened to their music.

But this case is different. These comments aren’t from haters who don’t know him, but from ARMY who loves him and who he loves, ARMY who promised to stay by their side forever even after the disbandment, who he hurt by hiding and lying to, and he’s not sure if his music will change their minds about him. Then again, he has been making an entire album to confess and atone for his crimes, so it’s all he has to offer.

Did you freeze?

Oh, right. He hasn’t said anything in a while, but he truly doesn’t know how to respond to the grand variety of comments.

“This Live wasn’t scheduled by the company, so it’s not part of the promotions.” This was a decision that he made, so he starts with that. “There will be another time to talk about the album, but I wanted to spend some time talking to you about me.”

He notices the number of viewers going down and then up and then down again, interprets it as people leaving in disappointment while others join late in curiosity. His thoughts are all over the place, but he tries to stick to the main points he had prepared for this moment.

“I don’t want to upset anyone. Please don’t be sad.” He says sincerely, wondering if they feel as hurt as he does. “I’m happy when ARMY is happy, so I hope it’s the same for you. Please try to be happy for me.”

He sees the irony in pleading them to be happy when he has to hold back tears. “Actually, it’s not even about happiness. I mean, of course I’m happy, but it’s not like I wasn’t happy before. Lots of people and things make me happy, but, this person is… someone who shares my feelings, who understands me and helps me understand myself as well as everything around me, who makes me feel loved, so, even more than happiness… he’s a person that I share life with.”

Jungkook suddenly remembers that Namjoon is also watching this Live and feels his face grow warm with embarrassment, but then again, he has said cornier things directly to his face.

I know what you mean ♥

Aaaah, this makes me feel lonely

I feel the same way about my husband

So you don’t share life with us anymore?

Aw, you must be really in love TT

I want to see your boyfriend! Is he an idol too?

That sounds like he’s describing Jimin, don’t you think?

Vkook is real, trust me ♥♥♥

Overall, this round of comments is nicer, and he assumes that most of the people who were upset have left, so he feels a bit more reassured. However, he can’t help but worry about where those other people have gone, if they’re crying or if they’re slandering him all over social media. At least they won’t say anything negative about Namjoon because they don’t know it’s him, he was very careful not to spill that, but they’ll find out when the statement is released anyway.

“I can’t tell you who this person is yet, but you’ll find out a week from now.” He continues. “I wanted to tell you about me, but I can’t compromise his name. There will be an official statement about our relationship, but not yet.”

Official statement?? Is it that serious?

My heart is beating so fast, I have a feeling it’s Jimin!!!

Is our Jungkookie getting married? :o

I’ve been saying it from the start. The reason Taehyung left BH was because they didn’t let them be together!

Wait, if it’s an official statement it means it’s probably another idol

What if it’s someone he met in the military?

Oppa, is it one of the Bangtan hyungs?

He chuckles, feeling more relaxed seeing the chatroom turned into a theory forum. “Ah~ our ARMY is so smart.”

He’s not supposed to say that out loud anymore now that he’s being marketed as a solo artist, but he can’t help it. His mind still struggles with the concept of having fans without Bangtan, and he’s always going to call them by the name that’s tattooed on his skin and embroidered in his heart. “I can’t tell you who it is.”

However, they seem to take the timing of his comment as some sort of confirmation, because they just start typing the names of every Bangtan member over and over, which outright makes him laugh. “I’m sorry, I’ll get in trouble for this, you’re really not supposed to guess either.”

Which they quickly take as a confirmation that it is indeed one of the former members of Bangtan, and well… the majority of them seem to be convinced that it’s Taehyung, which he finds even funnier, since he must be having the time of his life with Jimin right now. “It’s definitely not V-hyung, that’s all I’m going to say. And that’s enough about that topic, let’s talk about what I missed while I was serving.”

After eventually succeeding in changing the subject and discussing assorted topics with the audience, he finishes his Live on a positive note. When it ends, he feels exhausted and terrified, knowing that it didn’t really end, that during the next few days, people will express their opinions and feelings about his revelation and even more after the official statement. When he checks his phone he sees another reassuring message from Namjoon, several missed calls and exasperated messages from his manager, and a few more messages from several relatives, friends and acquaintances, which he doesn’t really feel emotionally prepared to read through, so he puts the entire world aside and goes to sleep.

As expected, his manager delivers to him the company’s contradictory opinions on what he did: on one hand, they are outraged that he revealed that much when they have made a precise agreement on how the news would be delivered; on the other hand, they are delighted by the suspense campaign that he has created, which has turned out to be the most effective publicity strategy so far. So in the end, he agrees not to say another word on the subject until the statement is out.

Namjoon continues to support him in every possible way, but Jungkook still struggles to understand his feelings about the whole thing and is still scared of bursting their little bubble of reunion bliss, so he doesn’t push him. The rest of his hyungs, including his own brother, are also very encouraging and keep telling him that he can count on them, subtly preparing him for the worst case scenario. There are no comments from his parents. His closest friends also send him endless support and words of understanding, and some of them even tell him that they have made posts on social media to stand up for him, but he can’t really confirm.

Jungkook makes a conscious effort not to go on social media during the following days, but he still finds out what’s being said, because the public’s opinion is one of the aspects that’s considered in the following work meetings and even ends up determining the final tracklist. Generally speaking, the audience is confused and outraged, some want to boycott his debut while others think that it’s just a publicity stunt to get more attention, but that he’ll end up taking back his words after the album drops. There’s another –unplanned- meeting with Bang PD where he suggests doing exactly that, considering they still have time to cancel the release of the statement, but Jungkook thinks it would only make things worse since he would only be lying about lying, so in the end, he chooses freedom along with its consequences.

The other part of the public (which according to the executives’ rough estimate constitutes approximately 45% of the target audience) has been showing support to his bravery, feeling represented by him or simply expressing their unconditional love, which is great for him but not so much for the executives, for whom 45% is too low, considered an instant failure. Since Jungkook has rejected the idea of taking back his words and wants to proceed with the statement, it is then decided to discard the happy songs as well as the ones that represent his love in an optimistic way, which unfortunately, includes ‘the song’.

The reasoning behind this decision is to frame his story as some kind of cautionary tale rather than a coming out story, and to drive the idea that it may be temporary and insignificant, to console the audience and give them hope that he’ll be theirs again or that they never lost him to begin with. This also hurts, but it’s the kind of dull pain that he’s used to, the one that he’s dealt with every time he’s had to give something up in order to continue having a career. He’s unable to give up at this point, contractually obligated to finish the album, record the MV and start promoting in the dates previously agreed upon, so he has no choice but to accept their conditions. Deep down, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to be completely transparent, so he will take even this as a victory.

There are 3 hours left before the statement release. Jungkook is staring blankly at a wall in his room while waiting for Namjoon to come over for dinner, and he’s biting his lip to the point of drawing blood from it. His heart is beating so fast and his hands are sweaty despite the air conditioning, checking his phone every 20 seconds or so, waiting, waiting, waiting. He’s always gotten nervous before big announcements, but never like this. Only 3 hours from now, the entire world is going to know about him and Namjoon, and the thought is terrifying. Once that is out, then everything else will follow: people will investigate how long they have been together, how many things they have kept hidden, he even has the paranoid idea that they’ll know about his recurrent dreams, even though he hasn’t told anyone about them.

He feels bad about lying for so long, he knows how disappointed he has made his fans, but he thinks they’re going to feel twice as disappointed when they find out that Namjoon has been lying to them as well. He knows that he would be devastated if he were in their place, so that hurts even more. He doesn’t want anyone to feel hurt, and he knows that Namjoon doesn’t either, even though he doesn’t talk about it.

Time is going by extremely slowly and Jungkook feels like he’s suffocating, unlocking his phone and staring at it, trying to telepathically urge Namjoon to get here already and soothe his nerves. However, nothing happens for the next few minutes that feel like entire days, and he ends up giving in to his anxiety and logging in on Twitter. He has only shared some greetings and promotional pictures in this account, and he’s only following Big Hit and his labelmates, but he still has an unreasonable amount of mentions: entire wars between fans and haters, theory threads with pictures supporting why they think he’s dating some former Bangtan member or another, general messages of love, and general messages of hate.

He tries to scroll past quickly, tries not to get too caught up on either extreme, but some words and usernames stick to him like cellophane. Taehyung and Jimin, the most popular choices in theory threads, get mentioned alongside him a lot, so even though he doesn’t follow them (at least from this account), he checks their profiles to see if they have responded to anything. Jimin mostly tweets loving messages for his fans and selcas taken at work; Taehyung tweets a lot for someone with such a busy schedule, but neither of them say anything about Jungkook, even though they must have seen the hashtags. This just shows how much respect they have both for ARMY and for Jungkook.

Since he’s already doing this he decides to check his other hyungs’ accounts as well. Seokjin is tweeting his regular Seokjin stuff, Yoongi made a vague comment some days ago (the day after Jungkook’s fateful Live, to be exact) about minding your own business and living well, while Hoseok was more specific in his tweet about how love comes in many forms, shapes and colors, which also earned him entire arguments in the replies. Jungkook figures that Hoseok must have decided to be more upfront about it because they’re still labelmates, but he still thinks it’s terribly unfair that Hoseok has been getting negative comments because of it.

Before Jungkook realizes it, he has started to cry. This is a lot bigger than he imagined, it doesn’t only have the potential to destroy his and Namjoon’s careers, but also the lives of people he cares about. Who knows how much his parents are suffering without telling him? Who knows how many times Jimin or Taehyung have had to dodge uncomfortable questions to protect him as well as themselves? Or how many times Seokjin has had to use his acting skills to convince journalists that he really doesn’t know anything, that this is new information to him? There’s so much that he doesn’t know, that they protect him from.

And, inevitably, there’s Namjoon.

Jungkook is sure that Namjoon has been hiding the heaviest secrets, for his sake. From the very start, Jungkook didn’t even have to sign anything when they announced their relationship to the company; never faced any bad commentary besides the lighthearted teasing from his hyungs and noonas; and ever since he told Namjoon his decision to come out to the public… who knows how many other meetings he had to attend and how much of the responsibility he took? Hell, Namjoon might even be stuck in one of those meetings right now while Jungkook is uselessly crying in his room.

He finally understands why Namjoon was always weird when that topic was brought up, and he feels angry with himself for not encouraging him to talk about it, for not discussing it together before this stupid statement. He was so afraid of bursting their fragile little bubble and now they could be losing so much more…

There’s no point in avoiding Namjoon’s account anymore. A few seconds ago, he had been scared of what he would find, or of not finding anything at all, but now it’s too late to do anything anyway. If there’s nothing, fine; if there’s something, that’s a piece of Namjoon’s heart that he wants to treasure and protect.

He finds a tweet from today, without pictures.

When winter comes

I just wanna stay right next to you

I want to be free from freedom

Yet it’s not working out

He recognizes those lines, and so do a number of people in the replies. They’re lines from some of the songs he has composed over the years, but they haven’t been picked randomly, as Jungkook can tell. He only scrolls down quickly to read some of the common guesses: ‘RM is coming back’; ‘What if this is a hint to Jungkook’s new song?’, ‘What if this is a hint to Jungkook’s announcement?’ but he leaves once he realizes that it’s useless, even cruel, to read their premature reactions.

They’ll know for sure in… 2 hours, and still, Jungkook feels so bad, as if he’s doing something horrible to the people he loves. Lying to them, hiding secrets from them, misleading them, still toying with their expectations. He’s hurting ARMY as much as he’s hurting Namjoon and his hyungs and his family and everyone. He knows that it’s not really his fault, that he’s allowed to be free, that he has the right to live his life, but he can’t shake off the guilt so easily.

He wants to say something, and he knows that this will be his last tweet before the announcement so it will be quoted and scrutinized for days to come, so he tries to keep it short and sincere. Even so, it takes so much backspacing and hesitating that he only ends up sending it out when he hears Namjoon finally arriving.

I know I’m asking for too much, but please let me keep being someone who makes you smile. For this selfishness, I’m really sorry. I promise to do better from now on. I’ll become a stronger Jeon Jungkook who can hold your hand and make you proud.

He keeps everyone in mind when he types it, including Namjoon, who finds him still in his room, no longer crying, but with clear signs that he had been until recently. Namjoon’s expression is one of understanding, before he hugs him in silence. Namjoon always knows what to say, so there must be a good reason why silence is the best thing that he can give Jungkook right now. Maybe it's what they need.

There’s a raging storm within Jungkook’s heart, but for now, he’s just relieved to be home.