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Sunk and down was, as if he was drowning in the waters of the dark sea, he couldn’t hear nothing, neither he could feel his bones or see anything, it was as if were dead. Was he really dead? His frozen fingers laid in the cold and icy waters of an Antarctic ocean where light never weighed it to the surface. He didn’t know how much time passed but the place burned his skin, ripped it apart and shattered every inch of his body. Is this a dream? He asked himself. When would I wake up? He didn’t know. The answers were made by himself as his questions, his eyelids trembled with the desire to wake up and return to... Wherever.
He always wanted to fly away from his surroundings, forget everything and be happy. That was a desire fanned in his heart from the beginning, but there was some regret, some guilt eating him up. There in that black ocean. An ocean that was suffocating and oxygen didn’t reach his lungs correctly. It was a rough feeling. A frightening emotion running through his body, until there were certain voices, that was when he opened his eyes and realized that he was falling into the deepest seawater. He heard voices from the distance, he knew but didn’t recognize.
A tiny voice calling him by an unknown name, shouting angered and with some disappointment in his tone towards his person. His hand managed to raise, desiring to reach the surface but he kept collapsing towards the most isolated place, to a place that he didn’t know if it was heaven or hell, void or rebirth. His eyes bowed wanting to close again but he opened in discomfort when he noticed that blood began to sprout from his arm. He thought it was fine a while ago, blood distinguished as a crimson ink, his own blood flowing out of his limbs...
The pain was present. It was sharp and didn’t know if he was in hell yet... But his body was burning, his bleeding heart in suffering, he felt choked in that dark water, so soon and bold that light faded attached to that strange voice, his lips trembled and the only word he wanted to express was a "I'm sorry." But from many words he wanted to tell, the more difficulty was to speak. He only let an eternal darkness consume him.
And down he went.
Sunk he lay.
Descending more and more towards the anguish from which his soul couldn’t easily detach.
So down and unhappy.
So obscure began to make its own reality. So blurry, so confusing...
In less than he expected, forgot everything.
A sound of "Beep" was present in his ears, followed by another sound known as "Skratch" indicating that he was stirring between the sheets, his arm was raised looking to turn off the noisy alarm that interrupted his dream so strange although he thanked him, since it was waking him up. He yawns and shuts down the alarm, his feet touched the frozen floor which provoked him to shiver because of the stony ground. Another yawn is out and rising from tip to foot he leaves his bed to start a new day. He opens the curtains and watch the snow-covered city from his apartment. Today is going to be a winter day, he thinks, he turns his footsteps into his room and resorted to completing his daily morning routine.
He cleans himself up before dressing, after he’s dressed he takes some food and watch his cellphone while having breakfast in silence. He sees all the notifications. Messages of love he read from people who admired his person for his personality and physical, many people loved him and wished him good wishes like; to rest properly, eat healthy, to be not stressed and of course: the fact that at the final they said an "I love you", it made his heart beat of joy... He let a smile escape from his lips. He would do his best. However, there was something that caught his attention.
"I'm waiting to see you in 陈 情 令!! Surely you'll do it great."
His thoughts were flooded when he read the name. It was true that he’s participating in the project but as an antagonist... Currently the actors were announced and when he’s starting filming today, it was clear that now was the practice day. The day where everyone was going to meet, and they were going to start an exhausted month in learning the choreographies and trying out the harness system since it was an action drama. In other hand he felt anxious to try something new especially if such a complex character as Xue Yang was interesting. He was going to respond to the comment however, a call came up, it was from the person who managed all his appointments and interviews, he gave him the warning that if he didn't leave right now, he would be late to the training and it was the least he wanted to do. He takes his jacket because of the hazy cold accentuated in the streets, landed on a cap on his head and left.
Wang Haoxuan was not a well-known actor, he’d participated in minor roles as the secondary character, he was just going to participate in another role only that it was a very particular one. It was Xue Chengmei, the character of the work 魔道 祖师 written by an author of the same nationality as him, although it was a very particular work since it was well written and had deep characters, beside it also accompanied the typical stereotype of death and sad characters’ backstories. When all the work was read long after the auditions for the papers were in progress, in the beginning, he wanted to play with the role of Nie Mingjue but when he considered Xue Yang's character, he told himself that he was going to take the risk. He eventually got the role but felt somewhat strange. In his audition he felt like if Xue yang’s spirit possessed him and when he heard the news that he got the role because of his acting, he thought he was born to play him... Besides that he’d strange dreams with him listening to a voice calling him by a name he hardly remembered...
Leaving his building and crossing each street, he takes out his headphones and puts them in his ears and listens to music while on his way to the first day of training. Arriving at the subway, he distracts himself watching videos on the internet. The road was not long, it took 30 minutes to get to the set and start the practices. He chose to take those minutes to look at the window just watching his reflection, a serious expression marks on his face as he hears the song’s lyrics. For some reason it transmitted a strange tickle in one part of his body. It reminded him the dream of today.
形のない不確かなモノを探す
(I search for something uncertain and without form)
He didn't understand Japanese but when he read the translation in Chinese, his throat dried up and a headache started to feel. He felt as if something had hit him hard and made him remember something blurry and confusing, something whose deaf ears always prostrated. An image came to his head, a white hanfu and an outspread hand, that hand was holding a candy for him, although he wanted to see his face he couldn’t since he woke up once more by the sound of the train making "Uh-ju" and the voice of a woman saying his destiny. He got up from his seat dizzy. Should he call and say that didn't feel good? No. It was the first day, he could easily order a headache pill. Leaving the subway and walking a few streets with the help of his GPS, he managed to get to the studio where he could see people of his own (or even older) age, were opening and closing the glass doors. A bright smile was expressed on his lips causing that with both hands pushed the glass door to enter to a cooler and more bustling surrounding, where people carried things in heavier boxes. It was going to be his first time talking to people who were supposed to be, distinguished as the main characters, something that made him nervous and insecure. What should he say about his person? He couldn't get along so easily, he didn't know them...
Certain slapping he could feel on his shoulder making him to turn, a person lower than himself had called him and with a smile from end to end on his face he could notice. He had dimples and cheeky cheeks.
“You should be Wang Haoxuan, isn’t?”
He nodded and stared at the lower figure.
“I am Zhu Zanjin, we’re going to be partners. I am the one who interprets Jin Guangyao!”
Oh, so he’s other antagonist. One fact about his character is that the one Haoxuan was going to interpret and the one who Zanjin was going to interpret too, both of them were ‘friends’. Evil with evil.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Was the only thing he said. One hand he stretched whose was shaken with the improper. He wasn’t someone talkative either.
Zanjin began to show him where the bathrooms were, the reading room to practice the script and finally the training room. He distributed the schedules in case he wanted to stay late to practice with him, he kindly received and thanked him. A few minutes they talked, the shortest was quite charismatic and talkative, he wanted to be like him. He listened as the coach called them, they were ordered to make a line, as there were many people since it was a fairly broad cast and encompassed from the protagonists and secondary characters; to the extras that would be relevant to say three or four lines. He stood to the left side of Zhu Zanjin and on his right, he had Yu Bin, he recognized him; He was the actor of the fierce corpse Wen Qionglin or better known as Wen Ning.
The first thing they did was to start practicing the lines of the beginning of the series, which he didn’t cover much, he didn’t appear until chapter four just to say a few lines and his facial expressions according to Xue Yang’s personality. There were several breaks whose he began to feel overwhelmed by the headache, he did not know if it was because of this morning or having to listen to the other actors practice their lines, in turn of it; He liked to analyze characters. He was good at it.
He was supposed to eat in the cafeteria with Zanjin but he never showed up and instead made it late, causing him to hear an apology from him as he was offered to sit at the table with the actors whose they were going to have more interaction. He sat alone that time, but it was much better, at least he won’t have to respond with empty words, as if a robot he was. Although at that time if he wanted to tell him and ask someone to bring him something to calm his headache.
His hand landed on his forehead and closed his eyes tightly, he didn't understand why that came suddenly... He would be unable to hit himself! So, why does he’d a headache?
“Hey.” he heard a call. He lifted up his gaze. “Do you feel well? Are you alone? Do you want me to sit with you?”
That person asked. Haoxuan could notice some familiarity by seeing his face or perhaps in his clothes. The white shirt reminded him of someone who never in his life had seen but felt he knew him from somewhere. His features were delicate as was his light brown hair, he was somewhat hypnotized when he saw him. He was... A quite pretty. His eyes shiny, his mouth was red like strawberry.
“Ah.” It was the only sound he released. A gesture with the head he did. “Yes, I am alone and... It’s okay, just sit down.”
The boy sat down still looking at him, their eyes fixed causing the two to divert their eyes. The boy looked at him again but just when Haoxuan had his gaze on his dish.
“Do you have a headache? Do you need a pill?”
His voice sounded in concern. Since he was called by him, he was asking too many questions about his health.
"Eh yes, but I don't want to be an annoyance... It's just a small headache-"
"Allow me." The boy looked in his pocket, then spread two peach-colored pills, they were stored in a small transparent envelope.
Haoxuan was familiar with the situation. The way in which he held the pill reminded him of that dream he’d on his way to the set, in addition to the man wearing white clothes... Had he really never seen him? It seems so but didn’t know where he’d seen him before. His hand raised and took those pills, the sensation of his fingers brushing his palm was a familiar warmth... He must know him, but he didn't remember where.
“Thank you.”
The opposite smiled and passed him water that hadn’t open yet, so he can swallow the medicine.
“What role do you interpret?” the man sat in front of Haoxuan began to open his noodles.
“Xue Chengmei, what’s your role by the way?”
“It must have been fate then! Our characters have a lot of interaction!”
“I know the only character with whom Xue Yang interacts more, is with..." he began to think. "Xiao Xingchen?"
A laugh escaped from the lips of the man who covered his lips with frugality and gracefulness. "Yes, I would be him! What a joy! I always wanted to meet who’ll play Xue Yang, his character seems very interesting and complex... I hate him a little but, I like the way which is well written It seems very human!" praised him, Haoxuan scratched his neck feeling shame in what he just said. "By the way, my name is Song Jiyang." he extended his hand while prostrating a friendly smile and rejoicing of joy, joy spread to Haoxuan and unable to suppress smiles. He shook his hand.
“My name is Wang Haoxuan. It’s a pleasure to meet you, I hope we get along.”
For some reason, he was happy to see him.
[. . .]
The hours passed and the day ended for Haoxuan, it was an extensive afternoon practicing its lines in the chapter whose was going to make appearance. Unfortunately, it wasn’t his turn to speak with Jiyang, he couldn’t stop thinking about him since the lunch and he hoped that the next day they could practice their interpretation together. Zanjin approached him when he left the room, he was holding a bottle of water since he was speaking today.
"You were fine today, Gege! I liked the way you portrayed Xue Yang. Are you sure you never did an antagonist before? It works out very well in you.” Zanjin praised him, Haoxuan on the other hand remained ashamed to hear that so he let out a laugh, his eyes were somewhat illuminated at how lively he was.
"No, it's my first time acting as one." he commented as walked relaxed, he felt more... Sociable? "You also did it well, it surprises me that you are so harmless when your character has the same evil power as my character does."
"They're friends for a reason, huh!" an elbow won the actor. "I hope to see you tomorrow, it is said that we’re going to start practicing the action scenes. Rest well, Gege!" Zanjin said good night as he ran and even his driver was waiting for him.
For a while he walked alone with a smile on his lips, however somewhat disappointed that he hadn’t heard Song Jiyang's voice playing the famous Xingchen...
Xiao Xingchen.
That name... He knew that everything was a fictional world created by a woman, but strange dreams began to emerge from this morning... It was impossible to forget. He felt a weight on his back with a pair of hands that touched both shoulders, his head tilted, and he met the face of the taoist interpreter. He was holding a smile from end to end making noticeable dimples on his face.
“Do you have any plans for tonight? I was thinking about invite you a meal so I can learn more things about you.”
“I do not but... I’m tired and I want to rest. Can it be other day, darling?” for some strange reason he let out that pet name, although Jiyang just nodded.
"Are you free in three days? According to my schedule after training I have free time the next three days!" the young man exclaimed, tightening his grip with his arm, Haoxuan laughed, conveying confidence. "We can go out with Bowen, the one who portrays Song Lan, he’ll be that day, he's quite kind and funny... Compared to his character." another laugh Jiyang released.
"Sounds good, I'll see if that day I'm not too tired to go." Wang Haoxuan wrinkled his nose in a tender way. When he left the building, Song Jiyang paused to look at him still with an oyster on his lips.’’
“Can I get your number? It would be easier how to find you.”
Wang Haoxuan nodded and, took out his cellphone and unlock it. He went to the settings and showed him his phone number, Song Jiyang did the same but with his cellphone. By exchanging both their phone numbers, to Jiyang it was time to leave since he’d a night interview. Haoxuan felt somewhat cheerless but hoped to see him the next day.
Arriving at his house and getting dressed to go to bed, his hands rested on his forehead. He observed the ceiling and thought about what he did today. He met Zhu Zanjin for some strange reason he felt funny being with him, the boy gave him some confidence. Then his thoughts reminded who played the blind character.
Xiao Xingchen.
The name and the face suddenly came to mind. He closed his eyes and saw darkness. He remembered the strange dream he’d this morning, where he was defeated and felt pain in his arm. He remembered the feeling of being suffocated, of feeling the weight of his body going down to the depths of an ocean.
But in this dream, he wasn’t there.
He saw the light. A light whose attention was focused on it. He could see his arm and hand, yet he saw everything unfocused and blurry. The sunlight was too shiny and he made a greater effort to touch his eyes and rub them. However, his hands didn’t feel and didn’t respond to that thought. His gaze went down to another part that was his clothes, they were all black and he wore a hanfu, he also noticed that his head was heavier than normal. Without touching it, he could see long strands sneak into his forehead.
"A-Yang, how long have you been sleeping?" an unknown voice asked him, his vision was still blurry, it was as if he needed glasses, he tried to focus his sight so he could see who was the person carrying that voice well.
"Did you worry about me? You thought I died?" he questioned. Haoxuan was confused, that was his voice, but body wasn’t his. He observed the person approach him, his hanfu was all white and frosty like snow.
He watched that hand spread out. He was so pale and was inviting him to get up, he could see how his right hand was raised to reach him, but he realized that he’d moved away. He frowned, misplaced and unaware of what was happening. However, the scene was familiar to him...
That body moved again and tried to reach his hand.
But instead of that when his vision became clearer, he couldn’t see the face of that person and stared at his clothes. They had black and white patterns as if it were Ying and Yang. He kept watching him trying to make a better focus on his face but then watched as his sword rose and crashed into his stomach, Haoxuan felt no pain but felt a slight pain in his chest.
“It was fun?” he asked to him.
“Of course, it was fun.” he responded and the silence embrace.
But it didn't last long since he felt a lot of noise in his ears, he felt like he was listening to music at such a loud volume that his eardrums were bleeding. However, it wasn’t a melody that sounded, they were thoughts in his mind, thoughts that he did not understand where they came from. In less than what was expected he heard how the sword that the unknown opposite figure was carrying; had fell to the ground and with it his body, blood gushed from his neck causing his body to tremble.
You shouldn't have taken revenge.
You shouldn't have known him.
Why can't you be normal?!
Why can't you live a quiet life?!
Why are you still stuck in the past?!
You really are a monster. You didn’t deserved him.
He was the only person who took care of you!
It was the only person you loved! Why did you break him?!
He’s not coming back to you anymore.
What did you do?
Why did you do it?
Why did I do it?!
Upon hearing the screams of his mind scolding him, Haoxuan suddenly woke up. Sweating and with slightly erratic breathing. He rubbed his face and his whole body goes on to make sure he wasn't dreaming, sighed relieved to feel back to reality.
But Wang Haoxuan had some fear and not because of the darkness. He had a fear he didn't like. An unknown fear. A bitterness in his mouth that wouldn't let him be asleep. He had a thousand screams in his mind, he’d a guilt painted on his heart... He pressed his sheets and let out a groan from his lips, that sound transformed into a sob. The dream had left him with a melancholic and gloomy feeling, with an aura of grief and worry.
Without being able to think about something, tears began to flow from his eyes. Why’s he crying? It was a silly dream; it wasn't worth it like this...
He tries to calm down... But he feels something out of place. Out of his area.
His heart was telling him something.
[. . .]
The days were transformed into weeks and the weeks were months.
Haoxuan met Li Bowen and became close friends with him along with Song Jiyang. They were going out to eat, they went to parks, they walked together, they jogged and made funny to each other. Haoxuan talked to Bowen from time to time about Liverpool, his favorite football team, he didn't think that the actor who played Song Zichen was such a friend of him. And by the way they were such enemies... Even Bowen himself hated Xue yang! The day they practiced their three lines together and also practiced the scene they failed several times, but they laughed, all three, on the day of the recording they decided to take a break of several weeks before recording again. Unlike the other recordings that were cameos, this recording was going to be the same Yi city arc whose both were waiting since they got the roles.
However, with the passing of days and weeks, the dreams of that person dressed in white were repeated over and over again.
The same scene seemed to have no end, always leaving him with tears in his eyes and a pressure in his chest. But the strangest thing is that when he recorded with Song Jiyang the scene when his character fights with his... He felt a certain deja vu and the oppression spread to his chest. He didn't want to worry anyone, much less be taken to a doctor, so he said nothing.
Today he was going to Jiyang's house, he was supposed to watch a movie with him and Bowen. Upon arriving at his house, he could notice how Jiyang was alone and a certain smell protruded from the kitchen, he did not know that the actor could cook, he felt at home.
Jiyang explained that Bowen couldn't come today, he had a grimace on his face when he said that. He did not know the specific reasons because before he said anything, he interrupted telling him that it was okay. They could spend time together, the three, later.
Wang Haoxuan smiling entered to his home. He brought popcorn to share! Upon entering to his house, he was surprised, he lived in an apartment but Jiyang had a very elegant, tidy and modern house.
He heard his voice telling him that he was coming, he was finishing cooking, so he left the popcorn on the table and sat down waiting to eat first before watching the movie. Jiyang did not take long to bring a whole pot of congee. It smelled good! Jiyang put it in the middle of the table and then put two plates, with the spoon he served a plate and with another he served one for himself, he sat down later.
The dinner passed quietly. Haoxuan decided to open up with Jiyang telling him about his extra hobbies, his tastes in music and his dislikes. From time to time he would throw a joke making the opposite one laugh, his gestures were delicate, his mouth was covered on the back of his hand to avoid smiling so broadly but it failed causing Wang Haoxuan's laughter. Finishing the third dish congee he decided to help Jiyang in cleaning everything and the kind Jiyang allowed it.
Why did he feel his chest pressed but with a strange feeling of familiarity? It was as if he’d already lived and heard his partner's laugh. It was as if he heard it before... But he doesn't know where he saw it.
While washing the dishes he felt certain arms hugging him from behind. Haoxuan was ashamed but showed no signs of pulling him away and no disagreement. Actually... It felt good.
“You look like if you were my husband. ~”
“Why?” he couldn’t prevent his laugh.
“You’re washing the dishes. You’re so obliging, husband.” JIyang separated himself from him, Song Jiyang’s laugh made him laugh too.
Husband... Nobody before told him that.
Haoxuang felt something very strange going on his heart.
It was as if his presence had already felt before, it was as if that word... He heard it already.
Jiyang was someone cute, his hug could shake anyone and change his mood. Wang Haoxuan finished washing the dishes and moved away from the taller man, he observed him. He watched his delicate features and snow-white skin. Pure and innocent. Jiyang's hands on impulse touched his and he took them in his hands, his eyes looked at each other, their souls met.
Haoxuan now understood.
He didn't need to know what kind of mistakes he made in a past, nor did he need to know what kind of person he was in the past. This life was given to him for something and he’ll take advantage of it, if he had Song Jiyang with him; He will make him happy, he’ll never hurt him. His smile grew wider, silence abounded between them as he knew that with gestures the words were left over and the reunion that their souls had when they were looking into their eyes; Rejoicing of joy and love were right now. To meet again and have a second chance in this life, to be able to feel that familiar warmth that they didn’t know from the beginning... Being able to be close to each other once more.
Haoxuan understood everything when he took him from his waist and brought he closer to his person. He understood that he had reincarnated in a world where he got everything. A family, friends, a healthy life... Jiyang.
Haoxuan understood.
When his lips touched the improper, when he kissed those red lips that caused him so much tenderness it was when he understood that he was destined to come back to him, it was when he understood that in this life... Xiao Xingchen was with him in this life.