Work Text:
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arachnidsGrip [AG] --
CA: hey vvris howws it goin
AG: What the fuck do you want, Eridan?
CA: wwell
CA: not much
CA: wwas just thinkin about you thats all
AG: Ok, and????????
CA: wwell you knoww
CA: you
AG: For the love of fuck, PLEASE tell me you are not a8out to start monologuing to me a8out how my gender makes you feel. I literally could not care less what you think.
CA: hey cmon thats not fair wwe like
CA: had a wwhole thing vvris wwe got history dude
AG: Call me dude one m8re time and Spidermom's having a seafood special this sunrise.
CA: but anywway about this wwhole identity thing you got goin on
CA: pretty crazy that one huh??
AG: It's really not. I'm a girl now and my name's Vriska now and that's all you fucking need to know a8out it.
AG: You want more info than that? Pay me money, asshole.
CA: no no no hey no need to be abrasivve wwith me i get it its a sore subject for most trolls to dance around
CA: but im a guy wwith some FINESSE vvris you cant just tar me wwith the rest of em
CA: hey ivve not evven asked any uncomfortably invvasivve questions vvis-a-vvis your identity unlike a certain fudgeblood
AG: God, please, stop fucking talking already. You're giving me a migr8ne.
AG: I'm logging off, now. Think I'm gonna go and engage in the infin8tely more prefera8le act of watching my lusus devour an entire schoolhive's worth of four-sweep-old low8loods, actually.
CA: no no hang on just a fuckin sec its actually important this time hear me out at least its been wwipes since wwevve chatted an after all wwevve gone through dont you owwe me that at least?
AG: I don't.
AG: 8ut if you get it out of your system now, then may8e you won't fucking 8other me again for a long while.
AG: So go ahead. Say whatever it is. Put your foot right up in your mouth. I'm feeling pretty masochistic tonight.
CA: ok cool
CA: so yeah i just keep thinkin about the fact that youre wwell wwho youre becomin and i just find it so funny howw wwe wwere literal kismeses for a wwhole twwo swweps an i nevver evven clocked on like
CA: youd think as the man wwho inspired that special kinda loathin in you id be a little more attuned to this shit
CA: and i guess my ignorance on this topic is wwhat fizzled out that delectable spark of our rivvalry and im gonna be honest vvris those wwere some good fuckin times
CA: evven those times wwhen you brought terezi along in her shitty copsuit on our crusades for some dogshit fuckin reason evven those ones
CA: so i just
CA: wwanna knoww howw i can make it up to you
CA: reignite that flame an all because to be honest vvriska youre probably the only troll out there wwhos wworthy of bein my rivval
CA: so in order to make that a thing thats occurrin i took some preliminary steps
CA: wwent forum sniffin to get all clued up on the big trans
AG: The “8ig trans”????????
CA: yeah you knoww so trolls like me can figure out howw to irritate our kismeses wwithout crossin that irredeemable line
CA: that is to say a thing i could be doin wwhenevver youre ready to start that train back up
CA: since i can say safely that i eridan ampora am noww a solid bastion of wwokeness for the trans ally community
CA: and i did it all for you my hag
AG: Are you even hearing yourself talk????????
CA: yeah wwhats wwrong wwith it that wwas a pretty good pitch solicitation if i do say so myself
AG: Well, for one, I never fucking asked for it,
AG: And two, I'm a les8ian.
CA: wwhat
AG: You know, when you're a girl who only d8s girls.
CA: wwait wwhen you say date you mean like
AG: Across every quadrant, yes. So you can pull the plug on your shitty 8lackrom proposal right this fucking second. I could not possi8ly express to you how utterly disinterested that idea makes me.
CA: wwell ok i sure wwas told
CA: anywway you wwanna hear some memes i plucked from that “cluckbeastembryo_irl” forum
AG: No????????
CA: ok so i think youll find this one relatable cause i got a pretty good funnychuckle outta it
CA: tfww wwhen the drones cull the rustblood girl in your hivvestem an all you can think is wwhy didnt the mothergrub make it so youll look that cute wwhen you inevvitably get killed in the offplanet wwar
AG: Eridan, that meme fucking sucked. I didn't rel8 to a single word you just spewed.
CA: wwhen you havve one of the highest stipends on alternia but you dont care cause you got all this money and anime girls still wwont be real
AG: Uh????????
CA: no no wwait
CA: lookin dowwn at the corpse of the midblood you just culled and thinkin her dress wwouldnt look too bad on you
CA: spendin your wwhole second pupation tryin to imprint on anime girls instead of your lusus
CA: theres a button and if you press it youre instantly lovveable/pityable/loathable to anyone you meet but you havve to tra
AG: 8RIDAN, SHUT THE F8CK UP ALRE8DY!!!!!!!!
CA: but vvris this is some quality material right here
AG: To you, may8e. 8ut if I have to hear one more godawful “meme” I will not hesit8 to imp8le myself on the nearest culling fork.
CA: wwait no theyre not for me im not a
AG: No.
AG: No no no no no no no no.
AG: Nope! I am not doing this. I refuse. You are not eng8ging me with this topic. Not happening.
CA: wwhat topic vvris wwhat are you on about
AG: Exactly! There is nothing to discuss here, especially not from you, and not to me. ::::)
CA: no hang on are you sayin theres somethin to me findin those memes relatable
AG: Not at all! ::::)
CA: vvris those spider emojis are makin me feel suspicious like i said somethin embarrassin wwithout realising
AG: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
CA: wwait
CA: wwait a fuckin second wwhy are you bothered about the fact i wwent so hard on those memes for a throwwawway caliginous come-on
CA: like obvviously im not like you cause i think ascribin that stuffs kinda bullshit?
CA: an it doesnt havve to mean anythin like cant a guy just think about wwearin the clothes of the girls hes culled wwithout dragging gender into it
CA: like we livve in a fuckin matriarchy of course wwed all aspire to be like the most powwerful troll in all existence wwho just so happens to be a wwoman
CA: an you knoww that if the empress wwas a man wwed all be aspirin to be more masculine obvviously
CA: wwait shit is that offensivve to you vvriska i think maybe you could be offended by wwhat i just said
CA: but the point is maybe boys can relate to bein more girllike an it doesnt havve to be an empirical fuckin issue
CA: take me im vvery clearly and obvviously a boy and if i evver tried to be more fem
CA: not that im plannin on that or havve evven considered it or anything
CA: that wwouldnt make me not a boy cause im just not like that im vvery assured in my identity ill havve you knoww
CA: wwere not all like you vvriska god stop bein so fuckin self-absorbed you acrimonious wwench
AG: Wow, okay!!!!!!!! Somehow this might actually 8e the a8solute worst convers8tion I've had my whole life??????? And that's including the psychic screaming matches with an angry ravenous giant spider.
CA: shut the fuck up wwe almost had a good feelings jam goin on there wwhy you gotta ruin this too vvris
CA: you knoww wwhat i dont need you or your ideology poisoning my refined mind i am an upstandin example of the seadwwellin aristocracy i dont have the headspace for your asinine riffraff
CA: i dont have time for this im a busy man wwith busy plans wwho has no need for prissy politics an if you really dont care about me im leavving
AG: I really don't, actually.
CA: FINE wwhat the fuck evver i dont give a fuck havve fun bein trans and bitter on your own
AG: Oh, I'm sure I will.
CA: this is me leavvin you and your headache gender shit beneath me wwhere it belongs i dont need you i dont need any of this cause unlike SOME people i had my shit figured out from hatching
CA: so you can just sit there an think about wwhat youre throwwin awway here and knoww im movvin on past you and evverything associated wwith you
CA: because wwho needs to play dress up like wwere wwrigglers just to feel like a real person? certainly not fucking me
CA: so im gonna have the final say on you and your bullshit and expelling it from my pristine headspace right here right fuckin now
CA: you and your euphoria and your fashion and your memes you can keep all of em cause i dont need any of it
CA: you wwill nevver hear from me again i hope you realise that one day and look back on this moment wwith regret wweighin heavvy on your shrivvelled little heart
CA: good fuckin bye serket
CA: i nevver needed you OR your lifestyle
AG: So are you actually going to fuck off or just posture in my mentions like a spineless m8jorly-repressed incel for another fifty messages? 8ecause not gonna lie, this whole em8arrassing tir8de is pretty cringe.
CA: AAGHFDJSFLCWWMLELFMMDlDSLCM
CA: FUCK YOU
caligulasAquarium [CA] disconnected!
AG: Lmao, what a fucking loser.