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The trouble with walls is that once you’ve built them you’re the only one who can tear them down again. They can be sturdy and tall, impenetrable to everyone, everything. Even if you want them gone it’s not that easy, and building them makes you weary. So tired that even the thought of attempting to destroy them fills you with an ache in your bones, the need to curl up and just let whatever comes to hurry up and do it already.
There’s nowhere to hide when you’re trapped behind walls, especially ones built on lies and self preservation.
The thing about walls is that they’re only any use if the enemy is firmly on the other side.
Aaron had promised himself that he would wake up the morning after Robert had left his flat and continue on as he had before. The facade had slipped, a moment of weakness, but he knew how strong he was. He knew that it would get easier, because it had to. He didn’t know how, but he’d pinned his hopes on flimsier beliefs. It had gotten him this far.
The saving grace being that he was picking up Seb at the end of the day. It was Seb that had gotten him through so much, gotten him through the worst of it all. It didn’t hurt when eyes, so much like Robert’s, lit up when Aaron walked into a room. The pain eased when little fingers curled around his own. He felt joy and love whenever he heard the words Daddy Aaron babbled in a mixture of excited nonsense or toddler rage at being denied a sweet.
He was lucky that Rebecca let him back in his life. Lucky that he had that piece of that past in his present, and God willing, in his future.
He channeled everything he had into Seb. Most people understood that, he was told that’s what parents do. Maybe they were right. It didn’t matter in the end because only Seb did.
All Aaron cared about was making sure Robert didn’t get in the way of that.
Aaron wouldn’t lose anything else. He couldn’t.
Aaron knew what he’d walk into when he drove up to the scrapyard at noon and saw Vic’s vehicle outside. He wondered for a moment how much his ex-husband enjoyed driving a minivan around. Robert’s prized car, the one he’d left with Aaron, had been crushed to pieces long ago. He just needed to drop off his work truck, put some money in the safe and then he could go and get his boy. They were going to stop at Seb’s favourite ice cream place on the way back to Emmerdale. It was the first weekend it was open, summer about to creep up on them. Aaron couldn’t wait to see Seb’s excitement as he got as many chocolate chips as he wanted.
He braced himself before opening the portacabin door and sure enough his ex-husband was leaning back in his chair, legs spread like an invitation. One that Aaron had never been very good at turning down. They locked eyes for a minute and whatever Robert saw had him sitting up straight, confident smirk wiped off his face. He started to stand, hands reaching out like he had any right at all.
“Aaron…”
“I ain’t interest in a replay of last night or anything that came before. You let it go or you get gone. Those are your options.”
He didn’t look at Robert when he said it but he could feel the sadness creep up in the small space. He ducked behind his desk, chucking the envelope of cash in the safe and shutting it tight. He checked his pockets for his car keys and was out the door again, everything that was Robert haunting every step.
Aaron remembers the first time he let someone touch him after Robert. How he hated the world. Hated his husband. Mostly, he hated himself.
Aaron’s had therapy. He knows what his demons are. He knows the names they wear.
The first he remembers, the rest he tries to forget as soon as he walks out the door into the night. It gets easier, in time. He never brings them home again.
Still the face he imagined always stays the same.
He should have known Robert wouldn’t let it slide, wouldn’t give up the fight. He’d forgotten how sneaky his ex-husband could be.
Because Aaron had never denied Rebecca anything, not when she held the keys to Seb firmly in her hands. Of course she would think this was a marvellous idea. She barely knew what day of the week it was.
Seb was antsy, confused that he couldn’t just walk into his Aunt Vic’s house, Daddy Robert’s house , like he had every other time before. Aaron just held his little hand and knocked again.
It was Vic who answered the door, confusion in her eyes until she saw the hard set of Aaron’s face.
“Hiya, you coming in for a brew?”
Aaron knew she was trying, probably just as desperate for the normalcy of before as he was. As long as Robert lived within those walls it wasn’t a safe place for Aaron. Not like it used to be.
Aaron shook his head and then crouched down to give Seb his goodbye hug. He’d warned his son in advance. Daddy Aaron would not be coming in to play blocks with him and Harry. He would not be staying for tea. Seb was going to have fun with Daddy Robert and Daddy Aaron was just down the road if Seb needed him.
“Love you so much.” He kissed the top of Seb’s head and felt the familiar ache of letting him go. It never got easier, saying goodbye. Restarting the countdown until they were together again.
He caught sight of Robert over Vic’s shoulder, his mouth open, words that wouldn’t mean anything about to fall from those lips. They were just words. That’s all they’d ever been.
Aaron turned around and headed to his empty flat, ignored the heavy eyes he felt on his back.
Aaron Livesy had never known dreams, he’d known nightmares. He’d known confusion and pain and rage.
Aaron Sugden-Dingle had dreams that came true. Promises and happiness, things that Aaron Livesy had never believed were possible. He’d held his head high with hope. He’d woken up each day knowing life would never be perfect but it could be close.
Aaron Dingle was the aftermath of both. Trying to find his way to a new normal, trying to shed the skin of who he had been before.
The problem with Aaron Dingle was he’d never existed without a love for Robert buried deep to the roots. No matter how much he tried he could never pull them free.
Aaron was always on edge, even a simple walk to David’s Market made a need for a shield locked firmly in place. It was only within the isolation of his flat that he felt like he could breathe. Robert and the past loomed around every corner. Every memory and smell ready to knock Aaron for a loop, take him back where he refused to look.
His family noticed, even Liv who is just a face on his phone could tell he was barely holding on. He’d admit it to himself but never to them.
They never wanted him to be anything but okay. They didn’t realize how impossible that was. They’d never understood him and Robert, how intricate and defining his ex-husband had been to his happiness, his sanity. He eventually gave up trying to make them see. It was another thing Aaron had lost when Robert had thrown them aside, the ability to be honest to the people he loved most.
They manage one more Seb handoff and twice being stuck in the confines of the portacabin. Thankfully never alone. It’s either Vic’s chipper nature trying to gloss over the cracks or Jimmy’s obliviousness to the emotions that swirled around them.
He can feel Robert’s desperation every single time and he won’t let it break his resolve. Even as his own reaches right back.
Robert attempts to talk to him again, in the Woolie loo of all places. Aaron has a distant memory of secret meetings and stolen kisses but he pushes them aside with a sneer on his face.
“Don’t…”
Robert doesn’t listen, just leans against the door and bars Aaron’s exit.
“Aaron, this isn't about me okay, or us. It’s about Seb.”
That got Aaron’s back up, his body coiled and ready for a fight.
“Don’t you dare use him as a pawn in this, you have no right.” Aaron had to clench his fists to prevent himself from punching the shocked look off Robert’s face.
“You know me better than that.”
Did he? Had he ever known Robert at all?
Aaron huffed and crossed his arms to shield himself from the hurt that flashed in green eyes. He hates the desire that still lives in him to make it go away, to comfort his ex-husband, to soothe.
“Look, he’s old enough to understand that you hate me. It hurts him. Can we at least be civil? I don’t want him upset. I don’t want…”
Aaron laughed then, let the bitterness boiling below the surface bubble free.
“Because it’s about what you want isn’t it, Robert. Always has been. I would never do anything to hurt my boy or jeopardize losing him again.”
Robert goes completely still but his eyes turn dark, almost murderous.
“What do you mean again?” It’s hushed and lethal, a part of his ex-husband he almost forgot existed. The one that defended Aaron, protected him, fought for him. For them.
Now it’s his turn to be stunned, did Robert not know? For a moment he feels understanding, maybe even a bit of pity, before he buries it under his rage. He hates Robert for making him doubt, making him remember.
He hates and he can’t ever let that go.
“You don’t know? Of course you don’t. That was your choice remember? That’s what you wanted.”
The other words go unsaid.
You gave up. You left us. You left me.
Aaron fights the overwhelming urge to shake Robert. Aaron wants to scream and cry, he wants to demand answers. Ones that will be enough to let him forgive, let him erase the last three years of his life away.
There aren’t any, and that’s what hurts the most.
Aaron pushes past his Robert instead, barely giving his mother a nod and a fake smile before heading into the dark of the night.
He walks fast past the gazebo, past the path to the bridge, past every memory that chases him. He keeps his head down, his fingernails curled right into his palm. The pain grounds him, has him digging deeper until he’s safely inside.
He looks at the red indentations on his hands, the half moons a warning he can’t ignore.
He packs a bag first thing in the morning, puts in a call to Billy to make sure everything is in hand. He just needs a few days, time to get his head together. He feels like he can’t breathe half the time and he’s turning himself inside out.
No, Robert is.
He pulls his wedding ring out from his pillow, the same spot he puts it every morning like clockwork. Turn off alarm, ring off, start the day. He almost shoves it in his bag. Instead he opens his bedside table and drops it inside, takes a car magazine and slides it on top. He slams the door for good measure.
He texts his mum and Liv. He makes up an excuse about a scrap contact. He knows they’ll see right through it but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t need another conversation that leads nowhere.
Unfortunately it’s Victoria who catches him throwing his pack into the boot of his car, concern etched across his face.
“Running away?” It’s the tone of her voice, soft and loving. She had tried, out of everyone she had tried the hardest to understand. She never came close but Aaron had loved her all the more for it.
“I just need space, Vic.” He braced his hands on the car, hot metal from the beating sun. He lets it burn him. When he feels her hand on his shoulder he lets out a shaky breath.
“He’s everywhere. It was easier when it was just a memory. I can’t….” His voice breaks and he hates himself a little more.
“I told him about what happened with Rebecca. He has so many questions I don’t know how to answer. I won’t betray your confidence. I promise.”
He believes her, but it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. He turns to look at her, remembers when he hated her. The times be blamed her over and over again for his pain. She’d never walked away, even when he wouldn’t have faulted her if she had.
“Tell him whatever you want. He don’t need protecting, he doesn’t deserve it.”
He lets her hug him, hears her whispered, “It’s not him I’m protecting.” He squeezed her tight before wiping at his eyes, getting in the car and leaving Emmerdale as fast as he can.
He finds the ocean, as far as rolling hills as he can get. He drives and drives, until he finds a small place that had a room. He sits and stares at the rolling waves during the day, stares at the ceiling at night. He constantly thumbs at where is ring should be, the security blanket that he needs to break himself of. He only gets snippets of sleep, always full of dreams and nightmares. Or maybe both at the same time.
He used to sit for hours and play make believe. What might have been had Robert not shut him out. If Robert hadn’t lost control. If Aaron had never met Robert to begin with. It got to the point that he didn’t know which he wanted more than the reality he’d been left with.
He spends three days learning to breathe again. Then he gets back in the car and heads home. The walls fortified enough for now.
He drives for longer than he probably should have, pulls in front of the Mill with the rising sun. He’s weary and worn, barely had the strength to shower before he falls into his bed. Even still he lays there, too tired to fight it anymore. He yanks open the bedside table, had a slight moment of panic when it takes him a second to find his ring amongst all the junk shoved inside.
When it’s slid back on his finger he feels every taut line of his body give way. The pillow suddenly a cloud, warm and safe under the blankets. He doesn’t even realize he’s smiling as he sinks into oblivion.
He’s springing out of bed before he even knows he’s awake. The banging is loud and intrusive, urgent and coming from his front door. He has a flash of danger, or something bad happening to Liv or Seb. He can’t get to the door fast enough.
He regrets it instantly when he sees Robert standing there. He looks lost, red rimmed eyes making the green almost glow. Aaron steps back, not ready for this. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready.
“I’m so sorry. You have no idea…” Robert runs a hand through his hair. Aaron has to look away, has to turn his back and close his eyes.
He hears the click of the door, knows Robert is right there. Aaron could always feel him. He hates that even now, after everything, it still makes him feel better in his own skin.
“Vic told me so much. I never thought...Aaron I never would have…”
Aaron takes a deep breath, locks his fingers behind his neck. Holds on. He hears a gasp, a choked sob. He barely turns before Robert’s in his space, crowding close, holding Aaron’s face in his hands.
“You wear it.” So soft, so reverent. So much like his husband that Aaron had never been able to forget.
And like an idiot he lets Robert kiss him. The spark that never died catching to flame. It’s new and familiar and everything . He can feel it all on the tip of his tongue.
I love you.
I’m sorry.
Please.
Aaron knows the chain is pulling tighter around him, the wave crashing over his head. He presses his body into Robert’s and lets himself drown.
He wakes up to an empty bed, but it’s warm to the touch. He can still see the indentation of Robert’s head on the pillow. It make his throat tight.
They’d been mad for each other, harsh and biting. Years pent up now bursting at the seams, sense memory coming back to life. He’d never forgotten it could be that way. When the sweat cooled and the frenzy died they didn’t stop. Just kept touching, soothing hands and slow deep kisses. Aaron fell over the edge again with tears in his eyes and words of love whispered in his ear.
It was barely afternoon, the sun streaming through the crack in the curtains. He sat up and rubbed at his face, he knew Robert was still here, knew where he would find him.
He pulled on his sweats, made his way to their son’s room. He found the door open, Robert in his boxer briefs sitting on the edge of the small twin bed as he stared at a picture frame in his hands.
Aaron’s flat was devoid of colour, of life, but Seb’s room was the opposite of that. There was decals on the walls, bright red comforter and yellow pillows. Pictures they’d made together together, father and son giggling over crayons, a place of pride taped to the door. Most importantly on his bedside table a photo of the three of them, Robert and Aaron smiling with Seb in between them. The family they used to be.
Aaron leaned on the doorframe, almost afraid to join Robert in the safest space in his home. He still doesn’t know how he feels, what he wants.
What’s okay for him to want.
Robert finally raises his head, tear tracks on his cheeks.
“Thank you.”
Aaron watches fingers trace over the snapshot. A moment in time that lived forever in print, but not in reality.
“He needed to know how much you love him.”
“Love you both.”
The worst part is Aaron believes him. He’s helpless when Robert finally stands, tentatively walks forward until all Aaron sees is freckled skin and broad shoulders. All he can do is fall into those arms and finally let go.
They cry together. Aaron screamed at him, walks from one end of the flat to another. Harsh words and accusations. Vic had told Robert about Aaron losing access to Seb for over six months until Ross cut himself loose and Rebecca just couldn’t handle it anymore. She’d told him about the time she’d find Aaron sitting at the gazebo in the middle of the night, hugging himself and trying to breathe. She told Robert about the men, the times Aaron sought solace in another body, in feeling something other than emptiness.
Aaron knows Robert’s buttons, and he pushes every single one. Until Robert is shoving him up against the counter and taking him apart, erasing every memory Aaron had of another body, another kiss. He washes away anyone else as he makes Aaron look at him, reminds Aaron with his hands and his mouth and his words that no one else does this. No one else ever could.
They go around in circles, always coming back to the same thing time and time again. Night has fallen. They’re both hungry and tired but most of all they’re both waiting for Aaron to make up his mind. He just doesn’t know how. He doesn’t trust himself, he doesn’t trust Robert.
He finally shuts himself in the bathroom for a moment of peace. Stands under the spray of a shower, washes away the scent that is uniquely them. He knows once he walks out the door again he has to make a decision, because this will kill him. It almost has too many times to count. He rests his head against the cool tile and lets the hot water rain down over him.
He doesn’t know if he can ever forgive Robert. He doesn’t know if he can let it go. The only thing he knows for sure is that through it all his ring is still on his finger, he feels whole with it in place. That scares him more than anything. Robert always did.
He doesn’t know what he’s going to do as he towels off, his skin pink and warm. He walks back out into the kitchen, shirtless and unsure.
Robert looks up from his spot at the table, his eyes fond as he wears an old shirt of Aaron’s. He’s holding a cup of tea in his hands and nods to the chair across from him.
They both know what this is. Just like Aaron knows Robert will walk out of this apartment if he asks him too. Just like he knows Robert is wearing Aaron’s shirt because if he leaves he wants to take a peace of Aaron with him.
He sits down, wishes for his own cup so he’d have something to do with his hands. Mostly he wishes he had all the answers, a way to make it all okay. Robert pushes his cup aside, puts his hands flat on the table, almost as if to steady himself. They lock eyes and it’s all there, open and naked for Aaron to see.
“I promise, whatever you want from here I’ll respect it. No matter what. But if you want me to Aaron I’ll fight for us. I’ll fight everyone and everything, even you if that’s what it takes. Because you know, you’ve always known.”
And he has, maybe that had been the problem this whole time. He knew how Robert felt, how Robert had loved him. He knew that it couldn’t be washed aside or pushed away. He’d just never understood how Robert could have done it, and maybe he never would.
Maybe he’ll never have all the answers but he can have Robert back. It’s the first time in years that Aaron can choose. It’s a powerful feeling but mostly it makes him hopeful. He can feel it cracking inside him, the light through the walls. The warmth of loving Robert, of being loved by him. Every memory, even the painful ones, worth it because in the end they’d ended up where they were meant to be. Together.
Aaron slides his hand across the table, thankful when Robert lets him link their fingers together. They stare at each other, a question in Robert’s eyes that Aaron finally has the answer to. The walls come down and he smiles like he means it. Because he does. Robert lets out a soft breath, almost a whine, then he brings their hands to his lips, kisses Aaron’s hand before he presses it to his cheek.
When their eyes meet again Aaron knows it’s going to be alright. It won't be easy. Nothing about them every has been, not really. The love never died and the trust can be rebuilt. They’ll figure it out, however long it takes. Aaron knows that, always has, to the bones of himself. He doesn’t want to fight against it anymore, he doesn’t want to fight alone.
But right now, for the first time his house feels like a home. He has his husband’s skin against his own. He has hope and possibility.
He’s made his choice.