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Perhaps, more than anything, you’re afraid of falling.
There’s notable consequences that come with falling; the sudden adrenaline rush, the feel of gravity pulling you in, the very thought of knowing that there’s nothing to turn back to, because all you can do is endure the drop until you’ve reached the bottom and made the landing.
The remaining question is survival, and that is ground zero; the very core of how the fear is concocted, escalating into something bigger and bigger until its cultivation results in an irrational caution becoming pure terror. You’re not afraid of the drop – whether or not you’ll survive it is the real conflict.
Although, as you’re staring down from the edge of a bungee jumping platform to a 70 feet drop, it seems that the probability of your survival is rapidly decreasing.
“Why have I agreed to this again?” you ask, feeling your heart palpitating just from the mere sight of the drop. The very thought of having to physically survive this fall made your stomach go uneasy – actually having to do it made you scared you would throw up from the sheer anxiety of it all.
“It’ll be fun. Trust me.”
You turn your head to the voice behind you, who had been listening to the worker’s precautions regarding the whole activity; you should have been lending your ears as well, if the sudden dawning of your possible immediate death hadn’t just come awake. Sammy politely nods to the instructor who leaves to retrieve your equipment, before turning back to grin at you with that ever excited look on his features.
If he believes his smiling would help with your nerves, it most definitely does not. If anything, the beating in your chest is suspiciously faster; it also does not help that his eyes have to turn into tiny crescents whenever he does smile, which all the more adds to the speed and the butterflies.
Right, the butterflies. The ones always lingering underneath the surface, just waiting – wanting to be to acknowledged; whether by you, or by Sammy, you weren’t sure. Or maybe they just wanted to be released from the trap of your denial. Regardless, you’re persisting on keeping them hidden. There is no necessity to let them free – because doing so meant admitting something to yourself you’ve refused to. Something that comes with explicable risks and consequences and a feeling worse than the pull of gravity along a 70 feet drop.
You’ve been close to falling for Sammy, and that is far scarier than its physical counterpart could ever be.
And here’s the thing about Sammy; he’s smart, yet cruelly oblivious. It’s not his fault for not realising, of course, because you’ve been friends for over two years now and in that time you’ve both shown no signs of wanting anything more than platonic. You can’t even admit such feelings yourself, even if it is merely an innocent crush, because everyone knows an innocent crush is only the beginning of the fall. It’s the sight of the drop, the standing on the edge of a cliff – it’s your choice to take the leap and allow yourself for something bigger and more gravity-defying, or you can simply take a farther back from the edge, and remain right where you are with no risks to your name.
But then, it’s Sammy. And the more he smiles, the more the drop becomes appealing. Sometimes, on your more irrational nights, you’re hoping he’ll call you out on your bullshit – that he’ll tell you to stop being so afraid of something that could be so exhilarating and heart-leaping if you would let it, and to just take the fall. Even more so, you’re hoping he’ll be willing to take the fall with you. But that’s wishful thinking, as cruel obliviousness always remains a barrier in place. Although, maybe a barrier’s a good thing. It keeps you protected; it keeps you safe.
You take a step farther back from the edge, and smile back at Sammy.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” you exclaim, not wanting to look back at the short drop as you continue to move towards the inside of the platform. Sammy gives a small frown, noticeably concerned and confused at the same time.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks, and you turn your head slightly back to the edge, all the thoughts spinning in your head before meeting Sammy’s gaze again; he tries to keep a smile, because he rarely doesn’t, and the butterflies rattle in their cage. You shake your head, both at them and the boy in front of you.
“I just don’t want to fall alone.”
Sammy stays silent, trying to process your words – you waste no time waiting for a response, instead making a beeline for the exit to leave the platform just as the worker came back with the equipment required. You keep your head down, mainly from the embarrassment of giving up and also from not wanting to see the look of disappointment on Sammy’s features.
Of course he is disappointed. He must be. Ever since you told him about this fear of yours over one drunken night, he’s been inviting you to go to the bungee jump platform with him, because fighting fear with blind courage of experience is the only way to conquer it, or so he believes. You’ve refused persistently, but Sammy is stubborn. He asks you to give it a chance, because he can’t help but want to help. Eventually, due to persuasion – and due to Sammy’s smile – you said yes.
In a way, you imagine it as Sammy calling you out on your bullshit; as him telling you that he will fall with you. But again, that is mere wishful thinking. His determination to help you overcome a fear that’s been a better kept secret before that night is admirable, but it is simply because he genuinely believes your fear has more relations with heights and adrenaline than butterflies and denial. If you told him about the latter, there is a bigger chance you wouldn’t even be standing where you are now.
Oh, Sammy. So sweet – so cruelly oblivious.
He proves himself worthy of that very description, still, as he grabs onto your hand when you walk pass him.
Your cheek turns red at the contact instantaneously; the action is spontaneous, and the butterflies rattle in their cage that you have to push deeper down; his grip on your hand tightens, perhaps afraid you’ll struggle out of it to walk away, but you don’t intend on doing so. Instead, you continue to keep your head down to prevent him from seeing the very evident blush, because your cheeks only seem to be burning more knowing his eyes are on you.
“It’s okay to be afraid,” Sammy speaks, his voice softer and more empathetic; he is not smiling. “I know I pestered you to come here, bur if you really believe you can’t make it, then that’s alright. Don’t beat yourself up for not wanting to do this – I can tell you feel bad for not wanting to do this.
“Why – why do you assume I feel bad?” you ask, turning your head slightly to see his expression within your line of sight; he smiles a mischievous smile as your gaze meet, his eyes shaping into tiny crescents you’ve always adored. You feel your heart beat faster; not from the smile, but from the words that come next.
“Because I know you, silly.” Sammy bends down slightly to level his eyes with yours, scrunching his nose in an endearing manner in an attempt to make you smile. You involuntarily curve your lips in an upward manner, and Sammy takes a step back and grins.”I won’t lie though, it is a bit of shame; I was hoping to be able to jump with you.”
Sammy’s words hit you like concrete; your eyes widen, replaying his words in your head as your heart starts getting ready to leap from your chest and down 70 feet and below – until you realise what he was actually referring to.
“Do – do you mean you wish I would jump as well or that we would jump simultaneously?@ you inquire, and his eyes sparkle with a hidden glint you’ve always known to mean he has mischief up his sleeves.
“I wanted us to do a tandem jump. You know, the ones couples usually do.”
The way he says that in such a smooth, nonchalant tone; the butterflies might just break free completely. You almost want to slap the smile off his lips for being so painfully cruel, even if it isn’t on purpose.
“So, you’re telling me we would be jumping together? Is that safe?”
Sammy frowns slightly, shrugging his shoulders.
“Not any safer than jumping alone. I asked the guy just now and he said they’re both on similar safety levels, though there might be additional risks compared to jumping alone. Of course, it’s also your choice.. I just thought it might, you know, be a nice surprise. I told you I’d help you conquer your fear, didn’t I? It just seemed courteous for me to be there by you throughout every step.”
The blush on your cheeks can no longer stay hidden, burning your face to an excruciating degree; you pull your gaze away, hoping Sammy won’t say anything if he’s noticed. He more than likely has, but he fulfils your wish and keeps his silence. Instead, he raises his eyebrows with question, wanting to know if perhaps the sudden revelation would change your mind about suddenly quitting. You glance around, finding the worker standing right behind you with a look of confusion on his face, holding out the harnesses to see if you’d still be needing them before pulling them back a split second later. From his mere expression, you could tell he’d been listening to the entire conversation.
The thought of it makes you giggle instinctively, and you turn your head back to tell Sammy – before you catch him staring, with that sweet, old smile of his. The usual crescents don’t appear because his eyes have been too focused on you. But before you can manage to fully indulge in that single realisation that makes your heart leap, Sammy turns his head away from you, almost as quick as the instructor had been with his movements. Almost. You could call him out on it If you wish to, but then you see the heat that rises to his cheeks.
Sammy is blushing. Sammy almost never blushes.
The thought that he might be blushing because of you is more exhilarating than plummeting 70 feet down, but you push the wishful thinking to the back of your mind. Instead, you keep your silence regarding the redness of his face that has not faded, hoping that you’re fulfilling his own wish, and place a hand on his shoulder. Sammy meets your gaze once again, and you sigh with exasperation, exaggerating just how much willpower you’re mustering for this. Or perhaps, it isn’t so much of an exaggeration – because this is taking more courage than you’re allowing yourself to admit.
But the smile that breaks onto Sammy’s face when he realises what you’re about to say seems to awaken all the willpower and courage you never knew you had; that perhaps you wouldn’t realise you had, if Sammy hadn’t brought you up to this sole bungee jumping platform, telling you he’s willing to be there and take the fall with you – that he wants to be there to take the fall with you.
Because that’s the thing about Sammy; he brings out the best things in the people he cares for. He brings out the best things in you; and that is something you’re willing to escape from your trap of denial and admit to yourself.
“Okay, Sammy. I’ll jump with you.”
His smile becomes - if it were even physically possible to – than before; without so much as a warning, Sammy throws his arms around you and pulls you close, placing a hand across your waist and another in your hair. You freeze in the moment, having hugged Sammy before but never out of spontaneity; your brain goes into overdrive, kicking adrenaline in before the fall has even begun.
It takes a moment – a long moment – for your body to return to its initial state, calming itself back down as you slowly process the fact that Sammy’s holding onto you rather tight. But rather than that, there’s a bigger surprise you discover; how calm you feel. The sudden tranquility that envelops as Sammy’s warmth radiates around you, making you feel even more at ease. The warmth isn’t foreign, but it feels different. Perhaps it’s the calmness that it accompanies, but right in Sammy’s arms, you experience the same feeling as you do once you come home after travelling for so long.
As you do once you make a safe landing in a sudden fall.
The thought lingers in the back of your mind as the instructor makes his way to you both, helping you into your harness as another helps Sammy. The boy in front of you remains a bundle of excitement and glee, telling you how after the jump you’ll finally realise just how exhilarating free falling can be, how you’ll be dying to do this again, how you better invite him if you ever plan on doing so.
As Sammy blabbers, you say nothing. Perhaps you aren’t quite listening, paying a little more attention to the crescent eyes and heart-leaping smile, but Sammy’s aim is being achieved nonetheless. Just as he knows you, you know him. And his sudden chatter in an attempt to distract you from your nerves and quitting last minute again is proving to be effective, though it wouldn’t really matter anyway.
This time, you are ready to fall.
The instructor brings you over to the edge of the 70 foot drop, and Sammy peers down just for the excitement to take over his features again, a little too ready for this than a rational person would be.
Just as there are people who are afraid to fall, there are also people who would take a leap without a second thought. Perhaps they are all sweet yet cruelly oblivious – or rather, perhaps they believe that the risks are simply worth it, for the chance of finding something gravity-defying at the end of the drop.
As Sammy continues to stare down the edge, you stare at Sammy, and realise perhaps missing a second thought wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
“Are you ready?” The instructor’s voice rings in your ears, and both you and Sammy turn to give him a nod. “Alright, I’m going to start counting down. Make sure you hold onto each other tight.”
Sammy loops his arms around your waist, pulling you closer to him than you already were; with his face just inches from yours, Sammy keeps his smile, mouthing along to the instructor’s countdown.
“In ten, nine, eight – “
“So, you sure you’re ready to fall with me?” the boy suddenly asks, mischief glinting in his eyes. You roll your eyes as the countdown reaches its final number, before smiling at the boy in front of you who speeds up your heart and rattles the butterflies in your cage. As you answer, only one thought remains in your head: screw being protected, screw being safe.
“More than I’ve ever been.”
“One – “
Without so much as another warning, the instructor pushes you both over the edge to face the 70 foot drop. Gravity begins its magic; your leaping heart gives way for adrenaline to come passing through. The risks and consequences follow suit. The question of survival remains uncertain, but the courage to embrace it has come alive in more ways than one. As you fall, you feel everything but fear.
Because it is you and Sammy.
You are both falling. And the butterflies begin breaking free.