Chapter Text
Have you ever woken up one morning knowing your life was about to change?
Just… feeling it in your bones? The proverbial peace before the storm. That’s what it was like for me the morning of October 15th.
I remember waking up feeling a heaviness in my chest, like my heart was beating out an SOS. My stomach did flip flops like it was trying to warn me of something. The room was deathly quiet, almost serene in its stillness. But something was off. Something didn’t quite feel right. The first thing I did was reach for my phone. I clutched it as I dialed her number and held my breath in anticipation, waiting for her to answer. After four stress filled rings she picked up. I happily release the air I was holding hostage in my lungs.
“Quinn?” she asked, sounding a little confused but not at all unhappy to hear from me. I let a smile slowly rise to my face.
“Good morning, you.” is all I said, happy to hear her voice but still feeling slightly nervous and unsettled.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of this early morning wake up call?” she joked. I could hear glasses and plates clattering in the background along with voices playfully bickering back and forth.
“Please.” I say. “As if you haven’t been up for hours already. Tell San and Kurt I can hear them arguing over the last piece of French toast by the way.” I heard her laugh and relay the message; the feeling of uneasiness went away a little. I threw the covers off of my body and stretched as I rose from my bed, making my way towards the small kitchen.
“But really sweetie, why are you calling so early? I didn’t expect to hear from you until at least 2 in the afternoon.” she poked fun at the fact I was known to sleep in a little late on occasion.
“Ha ha. I’ve never slept past 12 thank you.” I joked back, pouring water into the coffee maker and pressing a cup in.
“Seriously Quinn, what’s wrong?” she asked sweetly, concern lacing her tone. I sighed and watched the coffee maker steam away as it heated up the water inside.
“Nothing is wrong. Really. I just… I just wanted to hear your voice. Is that so bad?” I asked, eyes cast downward. I still wasn’t used to being this vulnerable with anyone. Especially her. But she brought it out of me. She made me feel safe enough to be vulnerable around. She always had, even in high school.
“It’s not bad at all.” she assured. I could hear the smile in her voice and it made me smile back. The coffee machine beeped loudly, breaking the silence that followed her response. I grabbed the Yale coffee mug and graciously took a sip of the life giving nectar. I rolled my eyes at my own dramatics and took another sip before speaking again.
“Besides.” I began. “I wanted to wish you luck. Rehearsals for Funny Girl start today, don’t they?”
“Yes! Isn’t it so exciting?” she practically squealed.
“Yes it is. You’re going to do incredible, babe.” I assured her.
“I’m so nervous. What if I’m not good enough? What if I trip on stage? *Gasp* What if I forget the words to Don’t Rain On My Parade?” she started listing all the things that could possibly go wrong with the production and I tried to hold back a chuckle.
“As if you could ever forget the lyrics to Don’t Rain On My Parade. Weren’t you belting that in the womb?” I asked.
“Quinn! I’m being serious.” she whined.
“So am I.” I mock whined back. “Listen, sweetheart. You’re going to be incredible. How many 20 year olds can say they were cast in a Broadway production of Funny Girl?” I asked.
“Barbra Streisand. She was 22 and a half when she was cast as the illustrious Fanny Brice.” she answered seriously.
“Exactly.” I stated. “So you’re in perfect company.”
She huffed but I knew she was smiling on the other end of the phone.
“When can I see you?” she asked, all traces of pouting gone.
I smiled, finally feeling at ease.
Just as I opened my mouth to say, ‘Two days and I’ll be in New York before you know it.’, loud knocking assaulted my door. I looked at the time on the microwave and frowned. 9:10 a.m. The second round of knocking spurred me on, and I began slowly making my way towards the door. The feeling was back with a vengeance. I knew. I could feel it. The moment I opened this door my life was going to change. Be it good or bad.
“Quinn?” I heard the concerned voice call out to me over the phone, but I didn’t answer her.
I made my way towards the front door, but hesitated in opening it. My hand hovered over the knob and I thought, ‘Just ignore it. Go back to bed and everything will be okay.’ The knocking continued and I took in a deep breath before opening the door and plunging feet first into unknown waters.
A man with curly brown hair, thick rimmed glasses, and a nicely pressed grey suit stood on the other side of my door. He must have seen how confused I looked because he smiled gently and held out his hand.
“Are you Lucy Quinn Fabray?” he asked, his distinct New Jersey accent throwing me even more. I hesitated before answering.
“Yes… and who might you be?” I asked, taking his proffered hand with the one that wasn’t clutching my phone.
“Sean B. Howard of Howard, Goldwyn, Berns, and Associates. May we come inside, to speak. Please?”
At the word “we” I looked around, my confusion growing by the second. He was the only person I saw standing there. Then I heard it. A rustling of sorts. I looked down, and all the air left my lungs in a mass exodus. I stumbled back a little and fumbled with my phone as I quickly brought it back up to my ear.
“...Quinn Fabray! If you don’t answer me right now I am calling the police and sending them to your apartment!” the manic voice practically yelled in a rushed panic.
“I- I… I’m sorry Rachel, I have to call you back.” was my only response as I hung up the phone, cutting off her reply before it could even be made. All the while, my eyes never left the big blue ones staring up at me. Her eyes mimicked my confusion along with the smallest amount of fear. I swallowed hard and looked back up at the man who seemed to be calmly studying my reaction.
“Is that.. I-I mean is she my dau- Beth?” was what I was finally able to stumble out.
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I stared at the head of honey blonde curls peeking from behind Mr. Sean B. Howard’s leg. Her hair had darkened since the last time I saw her, two and a half years ago, back when I was a rising senior with big plans of taking my daughter back. Plans that Rachel, in all her wisdom and kindness, talked me out of. A swirling whirlpool of emotions was rushing through my head. Happiness. Fear. Confusion. Excitement. Dread. Doubt. Disbelief. Hope.
Tears sprung to my eyes the longer I stared at her and I suddenly felt very dizzy. Mr. Howard, ever the observant one, quickly moved forward to put an arm around me for support. I moved away from his hold, hand outstretched. He backed away to give me space, but still hovered in case he needed to catch me at a moments notice.
“Are you alright Ms. Fabray?” he asked, voice dripping with genuine concern. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and nodded. I looked down and saw Beth. She looked terrified now and I forced myself to pull it together. The last thing I wanted to do was scare her. I slowly straightened up and ran a shaky hand through my hair.
“I’m okay. I’m fine. Really.” I assured, forcing what I hoped was a friendly, reassuring smile on my face.
“Where are my manners. Please, come in. Both of you.” I smiled a little brighter now and gestured for them to enter. Mr. Howard kept a worried eye on me, but gave a small appreciative smile as he held Beth’s hand and assured her it was alright to come in. I live in a fairly nice, albeit small, apartment, so I led them the short distance from the entryway to my living room.
“Sit. Please.” I urged as I motioned for them to sit on the small grey sofa. Mr. Howard smiled at me again and sat down on the couch. I watched as Beth hesitated for a second, then somewhat clumsily climbed onto the couch. I noticed that she was fairly small for her age, and found myself smiling at how cute she looked settling into the couch.
“Um, I, can I get you two anything? I was supposed to go grocery shopping today so I don’t have much, but I think I may have bottled water in the fridge? Maybe a few colas? Wait can you drink soda? Can she drink soda? Is she old enough? Maybe I have some orange juice left. That would be better than soda right? Orange juice? Or, I can run out to the store really quick and pick up some apple, or grape? Or I-” I knew I was rambling but I couldn’t stop. Word vomit was spewing from my mouth and I could seemily do nothing to stop it. Luckily, Mr. Howard stopped me by holding up a hand and giving a small chuckle.
“We’re fine Ms. Fabray-” he started.
“Quinn. You can call me Quinn.” I interjected. He gave me that same reassuring smile and nodded.
“Then I insist you call me Sean. We’re fine. We actually just came from a diner not too far from here. Didn’t we, Bug?” he looked at Beth and gave her stomach a little tickle. She giggled a little and nodded. My heart melted at the sound.
“De pancakes were de bestest.” was Beth’s quiet reply. She was so adorable. Everything I thought she would be. I felt the sting of tears spring to my eyes once again and my throat tightened. I cleared it in an attempt to stop myself from breaking down in front of the two people sitting across from me.
“Are you talking about Big Al’s Diner?” I directed at Beth, inserting cheer and interest in my voice. She looked unsure if she should speak to me directly and looked up at Sean. I watched as Sean nodded his head, indicating that it was okay for her to talk to me. She looked back at me and nodded shyly.
“Yes.” was her simple reply and I smiled warmly at her.
“Oh, I go there all the time. If you think the pancakes are good, you need to try the waffles with whipped cream, sprinkles, and chocolate fudge.” I told her, like it was a secret. I watched as her eyes widened in excitement.
“I wanna try dat! But, my mommy says I can’t eat chocolate.” she started to say in excitement. Then something changed. Like a realization fell over her and she came back to her senses. Her face fell and she became quiet again, almost sinking further into the couch. Sean smiled sadly at her and grabbed her little hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
I watched the whole exchange and swallowed hard, preparing myself to ask the question that was on my mind since the moment I opened my door.
“I don’t mean to be rude Sean but, who are you exactly? And why are you here with…” I trailed off, my eyes flickering to Beth’s sullen form. Sean looked over at Beth and back at me, eyes suddenly very sad and shoulders slightly hunched.
“Hey Bug, do you want to watch Doc McSuffins?” he directed his question to Beth, forcing a somewhat pained smile on his face as he reached into the brown leather briefcase he’d brought with him and pulled out an iPad and a pair of pink and purple headphones. I watched Beth nod and reach for the iPad. Sean placed the earphones on her head and pressed play on the tablet. He made sure the girl was fully engrossed in the cartoon before looking back at me with the same sullen face as before.
“I know this must come as a big shock to you. Some strange man and your daughter just showing up on your doorstep, seemingly out of nowhere…” he began.
“Huge understatement.” I cut in. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and took it out to see about a dozen text and missed calls from Rachel and a few from Santana and Kurt. I guiltly ignored the incoming call from Rachel and returned my attention back to Sean.
“Yes, well… the thing is, and there’s no easy way to put this… Beth’s mother… Shelby is… well, she- she died.” Sean explained, clearing his throat and quickly wiping at his eyes. My heart stopped. It literally skipped multiple beats at the news. My eyes widened to impossible sizes and I stared at Sean in complete shock and disbelief.
“Wha- I mean… I’m sorry- what?” I asked, completely confused and thrown for a loop. I must have heard wrong. I must have. Shelby was…? Shelby Corcoran? The woman she gave her new born baby to? Rachel’s biological mother, Shelby? Oh God… Rachel. How was she going to handle this news? A million thoughts ran through my head and I could not stop for a single one of them.
“Wh- when did it happen? I mean- H-how did she…?” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud. Sean looked at the ground, still trying to compose himself.
“She uh- she was sick for a few years now. Cancer. Ovarian. The doctors gave her an complete hysterectomy and had her on a very aggressive radiation and chemotherapy treatment but uh- we found out it was too late. The cancer had already metastasized to her lymphs, lungs, and pancreas. She didn’t want to spend her last few month's in the hospital, so she went home and prepared for…” his voice cracked and he stopped talking. He took in a deep breath and glanced at Beth to make sure she wasn’t watching them. Beth, for her part, was completely engrossed in the children’s show. I watched him swallow past the same lump that was lodged in my own throat before continuing.
“These are uh- *sniff*- some papers Shelby had me draw up for her. Last Will and Testament, Trust Fund for Beth, personal letters and such for Beth and her other daughter-” he began, sitting the same brown leather briefcase on my coffee table and reaching for some papers.
“For Rachel?” I interrupted again, somewhat shocked.
“Yes…” he trailed off, looking slightly confused. “I’m supposed to go to New York to break the news to her later today. Wait, how do you kn-”
“Please don’t.” I cut him off yet again and he looked even more perplexed. “Please don’t tell her. Let me do it. Let me break it to her first. Rachel’s my… she’s my girlfriend. She has a big day ahead of her today and she doesn’t need this right now. I’ll tell her. It may be easier hearing it from me.” I finished, wiping away the tears that continued falling from my eyes. Sean looked shocked at the news Rachel and I were dating but nodded in agreement.
“Alright. I’ll let you tell her first. But I still need to go over everything with her. Shelby left her some things as well, and she wanted to make sure I delivered the videos she recorded and the letters she wrote to Rachel in person.” He explained. I nodded in understanding. He retrieved some very official looking documents from his bag then looked at me. His entire demeanor changed, and he looked so serious that I felt the need to sit up straighter in my chair. He held up the papers, making sure I got a good look at them.
“I’m not going to lie to you Quinn, I tried to talk Shelby out of this when she first proposed the idea. Shelby is… was… my little sister, and my wife and I would love nothing more than to take this little girl in and raise her as our own. But Shelly Bee was very persistent.” He sat the papers down on the coffee table and slid them towards me. I picked them up with shaky hands and looked over them. My eyes widened again and I looked back up at Sean. Sean’s expression remained unchanged as he watched me stare down at the documents in disbelief.
“She wanted you to have full custody Quinn. Insisted upon it. Even told me if you refused, to find a way to make you accept.” He paused and leaned forward. “But, I know you’re still very young Quinn. Practically a baby yourself. And you’re a full time college student on top of that. Like I said, my wife and I would love nothing more than to take our little Bug in.” He continued, staring at me. I swallowed, hard.
I hadn’t heard from Shelby or Beth since before graduation…
This… this didn’t feel real. I felt like this was a dream or a nightmare, I couldn’t decide which. I’d given Beth up for a chance at a better life. For both of us. And now she was back in my life, possibly for good… but was I ready for that?
I’ve spent so many nights dreaming of Beth. Dreaming of the day I gave birth to her. Dreaming of the first time I’d held her; fresh out of my womb, all sticky and wrinkly, and pink.
And Rachel.
Rachel had spent many a night holding me while I cried over the daughter I gave away. And now… here she was. Right there in front of me. Beth was mine if I wanted her. And God, did I want her. I’d always wanted her. But I needed to do what was right for her.
I looked over at the girl in question just in time to see her look up at me. Her big blue eyes were shining up at me and a smile played at the edge of her lips, having just found something in the cartoon amusing. And I knew the answer then and there.
I reached forward for the shiny black pen Sean had sat on the table beside the documents and began signing the papers in front of me. I heard Sean let out a disappointed sigh, but when I looked up, I saw the resigned smile he had on his face. He looked over at Beth and placed his hand on the full head on blonde hair beside him. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of Beth’s head. She wiggled a bit, but overall kept her attention on the screen.
When I finished signing the papers, he gingerly took them from my hands and started to look them over. He signed and initialed a few spots then placed the documents back in his briefcase and gently closed it. He cleared his throat and tapped on Beth’s shoulders to get her attention.
Beth looked over at him and took her headphones off. He smiled at her, holding back tears.
“Remember what we talked about on the way over here?” He asked her. I watched Beth slowly nod her head and sneak a glance over at me. I smiled at her and she looked back at Sean.
“Well, it’s time, Bug. This is your biological mommy, remember what I told you that meant?” Beth nodded again.
“I was in her tummy and she gaved birth to me.” Beth repeated quietly. Both Sean and I gave watery chuckles.
“That’s right Bug, you were in her tummy and she gave birth to you. So, that makes her your other mama. And now that mommy is gone, you’re gonna live with her now.” Sean nodded his head over to me. Beth’s eyes started to water and she shook her head no.
“No! I don’t want to live with her. I want to stay with mommy. Where’s mommy? I want mommy.” She asked and my heart dropped into my stomach. Or was it in my throat? I couldn’t even tell at this point.
“I know, Bug. I know you do. I miss your mommy too, but I told you… she’s not here anymore, remember? She’s… she’s in a better place now Bug. And you have to live here, with Quinn now, okay?” Sean struggled to get out. Beth continued to shake her head and scream.
“No! I want mommy! I want mommy! That’s not my mommy!” Beth pointed at me and the tears I was fighting so hard to hold back began to fall and fall hard.
It looked like Sean was fighting a losing battle when it came to his tears as well. He gently put his hands on both of her shoulders and looked her in the eyes.
“Listen Bug, mommy’s gone, and she’s not coming back, okay? I know you’re sad, and I know you’ve been put through so much change lately, but this is how it’s got to be.” He paused to wipe a tear from Beth’s eyes.
“What did mommy tell you to always remember?” Sean continued, and Beth stared back at him, remembering the words Shelby said to her every day before she left.
“She said she would always be hwere with me. Even if I couldn’t see her anymore, she would still be hwere.” Beth repeated with a sniffle.
“That’s right Bug, and she is. She’s right here with you. Even if you can’t see her, she can see you, and she’ll always be here for you.” Sean assured Beth, then leaned over and pulled her into a warm hug. I watched the two, wiping tears from my eyes and trying to collect myself.
When she’d finally started to calm down, Beth broke the hug and looked over at me, eyes puffy and red from crying.
“Can we have brweakfast for dinner? Mommy use to let us eat brweakfast for dinner.” Beth asked, little face fully serious. Sean and I looked at each other and couldn’t stop the laughs that spilled from of us.
“Of course we can.” I sniffled, still chuckling.
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“And this is the spare room. It’s not huge, but it should be big enough for Beth for now.” I finished showing him the tour of my small apartment. He wrote something down and nodded.
“Alright, everything looks good so far. And as stated in the custody papers, for the first 3 months I’m going to be dropping in on you without warning to check on how everything is going. And if I feel that this is not a safe or conducive environment for Beth, in any way, I’m taking it to the judge and taking her back to New Jersey with me. Do you understand, Quinn?” He asked. I squared my shoulders and nodded.
“I understand.” I stated.
“Good. I’m going to go get her things out of the car. I’ll be sending the rest of her stuff next week. Remember, you have until next Monday to change your mind about the custody agreement. And you have until Thursday night to tell Rachel about Shelby. That’s when I’ll be going back home after getting Beth settled.” He explained.
“Yes. Yes, I know. I’ll talk to Rachel tomorrow. As for Beth…” I looked over at the girl silently napping on my couch and smiled.
“You won’t need to worry about me changing my mind.”
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“Alright then. I just have a few more questions, then I’m heading back to my hotel.” He told me, shuffling through pages of the notebook in his hands.
“Ask away.” I told him, shrugging my shoulders a bit.
“Do you use any illegal drugs?” He asked, reading from a list.
“God no.” I stated, face scrunched in disgust. He nodded in approval and marked his page.
“Do you drink alcohol?” He asked.
“I drink alcohol seldomly, on occasion, and never in excess.” I assured. He nodded again and marked his page.
“You’re technically not old enough to drink… but I’ll let it slide. As long as you’re not going out to bars every night... Okay next, are you currently married or have you ever been married?” He read.
“No, not yet… though I hope to be someday. The married part, not divorced.” I joked awkwardly. He just looked at me and marked the paper.
“And what is your employment status?” He asked and I froze a little.
“I’m sorry?” I asked, a little hesitant. Sean looked up at me and guestered around.
“Your employment status, what is it? How are you paying for everything? Your bills, your food, your schooling, and now Beth?” Sean asked deathly serious. I cleared my throat and kind of shrugged.
“My grandfather passed when I was around 12 and left my sister and I a sizable trust. I gained access to mine when I turned 18 and that’s what I’ve been living off of. Plus, I received an academic scholarship that covers a large part of my tuition.” I explained. He raised an eyebrow.
“And this trust, it’s enough for you to live off of and take care of Beth? I’m assuming you’ll still be attending classes, so you’ll need to pay for daycare, and that's not cheap. Also, there’s food and clothing expenses, kids her age usually grow out of their clothes before you even get them home from the shops. And how about transportation? How do you get around? Then there’s doctors visits, dental appointments, etc. Do you have health insurance? Are you prepared to add Beth to it?” Sean began listing all of Beth’s needs and my head started to spin. I hadn’t thought about any of those things. I sheepishly cleared my throat to speak.
“I uh- I’m still on my mom’s insurance.” I told him. His eyes looked sympathetic and weary.
“Quinn, it’s not too late. I told you, we could take Beth in. It’d be no trouble and I can assure you, Beth would be happy and want for nothing.” He spoke softly. I looked at him and shook my head no.
“No, I can do this. She’s my daughter and I won’t just give her away. Not again. My trust is fairly large. It’s enough to support Beth and I for a while. I can make a budget and plan everything out. And if I need to get a part time job, then I will. I know I can do this. I mean, there has to be some reason Shelby trusted Beth with me.” I told him, setting my jaw in determination. Sean stared at me for a long moment then let a small smile creep to his lips.
“Okay then. I’m gonna need a copy of your financial statements, and you need to get your own health insurance and add Beth to it, but other than that, I think you’re all set.” Sean put out his hand for me to shake and I gently took it.
“My sister did entrust you to take care of her daughter, so I’m going to do the same. Please, don’t let either one of us down. And most importantly.” He paused and looked over his shoulder at the still napping figure on my couch.
“Don’t let her down.” Sean finished. I gripped his hand tighter and nodded my head.
“I won’t. I swear.”
Sean nodded his head at me one last time before letting go of my hand. I watched as he gathered his papers and placed them back in his briefcase. He then silently made his way over to Beth, still snoozing, and leaned down to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. It looked like he’d whispered something in her ear, but I couldn’t quite make it out. When he was finished, he stood up straight, cleared his throat, clutched his briefcase tighter, and walked towards the door. I followed him out, opening the door for him. He gave me a watery smile as he stepped through the doorway.
“Hey!” I called out at the last minute. He turned around, eyebrow raised in curiosity.
“I just want you to know that, you’re welcome here anytime. Not just the 3 month trial period. You’re Beth’s family too, and I’d love it if you continued to be in her life.” I finished. He looked at me, and I watched as a large appreciative smile crossed his face. He stepped closer to me and pulled me into a tight hug. I was stunned for a moment before I slowly lifted my arms to return the embrace.
I felt him let out a shaky breath before saying, “Thank you, Quinn. I’d like that very much.” After a long pause, he finally stepped away from me and wiped at his eyes.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Quinn.” Sean told me with a wave.
“Wait.” I called out to him again. He stopped and looked at me expectantly.
“Just… something I’ve been wondering about... if you and Shelby were brother and sister, why the different last names? As far as I know, Shelby never got married and Corcoran was her maiden name, right?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.
Sean shrugged and simply said, “Different dads.” before stepping into his shiny black Jaguar and pulling out of the parking lot.
I walked back into my apartment and silently closed the door. I went over to Beth’s sleeping form and gently lifted her off the couch. I carefully carried her the short distance to my bed room and laid her down on my bed. She wiggled a little but remained asleep. I smiled down at her and brushed a strand of blonde curls out of her face and behind her ear.
I never would have thought.
Of all the scenarios that flew through my mind of what could happen when I woke up this morning, this was never one of them.
Tears started falling from my eyes again and I wondered, hadn’t I cried them all out yet?
But they kept coming and I wept.
I wept out of sorrow for the loss of Shelby. She was gone. Dead. And I hadn’t even known the woman who took my daughter in and raised her as her own, was sick.
And I wept out of sadness for Beth. The little girl had been through so much. Her mother passing; having to move all the way from Lima to New Haven to live with a stranger who says she’s your other mother. A mother that initially gave her away.
Then I wept out of guilt. Because Shelby was gone, and I’d gotten my little girl back… and I was so happy about that. Not about Shelby being dead of course, but about the fact that Beth was mine again.
And then, I wept the hardest for Rachel. Just as Rachel had held me many a night over the sorrow of giving Beth up for adoption, I had held the brunette as she cried over the biological mother that she never really got to know. One that seemingly wanted nothing to do with her. And I knew, deep down, Rachel was still hoping one day that Shelby and herself would have this big coming together. She confided in me once, that she’d hoped to be on stage one day, belting out some big legendary Broadway number, and she’d look down to see Shelby sitting there, smiling up at her.
I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket once again, and did my best to wipe away my tears. I cleared my throat and glanced once more at Beth to make sure she was okay before quietly backing out of the room and partially closing the door. Making my way back into the living room, I took in one more deep breath before answering the phone.
“Rachel. Hey…”
TBC