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Carisi could tell before he even opened the door to his apartment that Barba was still up waiting for him, and he took a moment before opening the door, his hand resting on the doorknob.
It wasn’t that he didn’t feel a little gratified that Barba had stayed up for him.
It was just that he had already talked with Olivia, and he wasn’t sure he had it in him to rehash it all again.
Still, waiting in the hallway wasn’t going to do him any good, so he took a deep breath and turned the doorknob.
Barba looked up from whatever article he was reading on his iPad as soon as Carisi opened the door, and Carisi gave him a tight smile as he dropped his briefcase at the door and toed his shoes off. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey,” Barba returned, raising an eyebrow just slightly, tapping his finger lightly against his scotch glass, both subtle gestures the only indication of his concern. “You’re home late.”
“Yeah, well.” Carisi sighed, heading into the kitchen to pour himself a drink. “It’s kind of been a day.” He glanced over his shoulder as he rummaged in the cabinet for a glass. “Besides, you’re up late.”
Barba ignored that comment. “I heard you got your ass handed to you in court today,” he said instead, setting his iPad aside.
“That’s definitely one way of putting it,” Carisi said with a sigh, drawing a hand across his face before scowling at Barba. “Dare I ask who told you?”
The corner of Barba’s mouth twitched toward a smile. “My lips are sealed.”
Carisi snorted, carrying his drink into the living room. “Ok, so Liv.”
“Speaking of your former lieutenant, I hear she paid you a visit this evening.”
Carisi slumped down in the armchair across from him, propping his feet on the coffee table and ignoring the look Barba gave him. “Your source is well informed,” he said dryly. “She swung by One Hogan to give me a pep talk.”
Barba’s expression was unreadable. “And yet I hear she mostly had to talk you off the ledge.”
Carisi rolled his eyes and took a sip of scotch. “That’s a little dramatic.”
“So you didn’t actually draft a letter of resignation?”
Barba asked it so mildly that it took Carisi a moment to process what he was asking, and he winced. “Oh, uh, you heard about that?”
“Were you going to tell me that you were considering resigning from the DA’s office?” Barba asked, clearly deigning not to dignify Carisi’s question with an answer.
Carisi huffed a sigh and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “You didn’t exactly tell me that you were gonna resign from the DA’s office, so I just figured—”
“You and I weren’t dating when I resigned from the DA’s office, so I didn’t think I needed to run my life choices by you,” Barba said sharply. “But I assumed I deserved at least a head’s up.”
Carisi sighed again, but he knew Barba had a point, which, of course, made it worse. “You do,” he said. “And if it makes you feel better, I’m not actually gonna resign.”
“Good,” Barba said bluntly. “Because if you did, you’d be out both your dream job and your dream boyfriend.”
“Don’t you think highly of yourself,” Carisi grumbled, giving Barba a cautious look. “You’d really dump me?”
Barba returned his look evenly. “For quitting just because things got slightly hard? That’s not the man I fell in love with, so yes, I would.”
Carisi barked a laugh, though without any real humor. “Jesus,” he said, scrubbing a hand across his mouth. “Here I thought I might actually get a little sympathy from you. I mean, if anyone understands what this case has been like—”
Barba leaned forward. “You’re right, I understand exactly what this case is like, because I’ve faced about a hundred similar cases.” He arched an eyebrow. “Could you imagine what would happen if I threatened to quit every single time?”
“I already said I’m not gonna quit, ok?” Carisi snapped, feeling his cheeks burn slightly.
Barba examined him closely for a moment before shrugging and sitting back against the couch. “Ok.” He took a sip of scotch before asking, “So what did Liv say in her pep talk?”
Carisi gave him a look. “What, she didn’t text you a transcript?” he sniped, though when Barba’s face didn’t so much as twitch, he sighed and added, “She more or less said that I need to be smarter than him.”
He didn’t elaborate on who the ‘him’ in question was, because he knew Barba would already know. Again, Barba’s expression didn’t shift. “She’s right.”
“If this is gonna turn into a dumb blond joke, I swear to God, Raf...” Carisi started, aiming to try to lighten the mood and knowing instantly from the look on Barba’s face that he hadn’t remotely succeeded.
“Does it sound like I’m joking to you, Counselor?”
Carisi swallowed hard and looked away, toying with the various ways he could respond, could challenge Barba, could turn this into a full-blown fight if he wanted to. But the smaller part of him, the part he had wanted to voice all night, but only around Barba, only around someone he could trust, knew what he really wanted to ask. “What if I’m not smarter than him?”
Barba shrugged, almost unconcernedly. “Then put one in the L column.”
Carisi stared at him. “Thanks so much for the pep talk,” he said, his voice cracking slightly as he did, and when Barba didn’t so much as blink, he added, almost as a challenge, “What if I’m not cut out for this?”
Barba shrugged again. “Then you will have wasted your time and money on a law degree and you'll still wake up tomorrow Dominick Carisi.”
“You really don’t have this whole pep talk thing down, do you?”
Barba stood and drained his glass of scotch. “I don’t think there’s anything I could say that you need to hear right now,” he said calmly. “At least not from me.”
He crossed to Carisi and bent to kiss him lightly on top of the head before heading to the bedroom. Carisi was able to contain himself most of the way, but when Barba got to the doorway, he couldn’t help but blurt, a little desperately, “What would you do?”
Barba paused and half-turned. “I’d be smarter than him.”
Carisi ground his teeth together in frustration. “Haven’t we already established that I’m not?”
“No,” Barba told him. “The only thing we’ve established is that you don’t seem to think you’re smarter than him. And that’s your problem.”
He disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Carisi staring after him and wondering what in the hell he was supposed to do with that.
Carisi brightened when he saw Barba leaning against the wall of the courthouse lobby, clearly waiting for him. “What’re you doing here?” he asked as he crossed to him, leaning in and kissing his cheek.
Barba shrugged. “Heard the verdict had come back in, figured I’d be here for you, no matter what it ended up being.”
Carisi glanced sideways at him as they headed toward the door. “Who told you about the verdict?”
“I’m not one to roll on my sources,” Barba said mildly. “Also, I figured we could grab some food, since I’m pretty sure you need to get something in your stomach.”
Carisi sighed and rolled his eyes. “Rollins?” he asked, mostly rhetorically. “Well, my stomach’s fine now.”
Barba half-smiled. “I’m sure it is.”
They made their way down the courthouse stairs and walked together in the direction of One Hogan Place, Barba’s hand resting lightly against the small of Carisi’s back as they walked. After walking together in silence for a long moment, Carisi glanced over at him. “Aren’t you gonna say you’re proud of me?” he asked, lightly enough that it could be construed as joking.
But Barba just cocked his head slightly. “For what?” he asked.
Carisi stopped walking. “Uh, for winning?”
Barba arched an eyebrow, turning to face him. “You mean for doing your job?” he asked, and Carisi’s smile disappeared. “I hate to disappoint you, but you don’t get kudos for doing your job. You don’t get kudos for not giving up. If you’re in this for the kudos, you’re in the wrong business.”
Carisi shook his head slowly, a muscle working in his jaw. “Then what do I get?”
“You mean besides the pitiful paycheck?” Barba asked mildly, before his tone turned serious again. “You get to wake up tomorrow and do it again. And you get to learn from it. And you get a chance to do it better.”
“That it?” Carsi asked, a little roughly.
Barba just looked at him. “Do you need more than that?”
Carisi considered it for only a moment. “No.”
A smile lifted one corner of Barba’s mouth. “Good boy.”
He took Carisi’s hand, lacing their fingers together, and they started walking again. This time, the silence between them was broken by Barba, who squinted slightly as if debating internally about something before telling Carisi, “Three.”
Carisi looked over at him. “Three what?”
“I drafted three letters of resignation while trying my first case in court.” Barba shook his head, something between a smile and grimace twisting his lips. “I was that convinced I was going to lose.”
He fell silent and Carisi stared at him. “And?” he prompted.
Barba glanced at him. “And what?”
“And did you lose?”
Barba snorted derisively. “Of course not.”
Carisi laughed and pulled Barba close, turning his head to kiss his temple. “That’s my man.”
Barba tried to scowl up at him, though he couldn’t quite stop his smile. “You realize I’ve also won several hundred cases since then, right?”
“I know,” Carisi said. “And I also know you never did it for the kudos. But still, I figured you probably didn’t have someone to tell you it back then, so — I’m proud of you.”
Barba shook his head, though he didn’t try to pull away from Carisi. “I feel like you’ve entirely missed my point.”
“No,” Carisi said, leaning in and kissing Barba gently, “I think I got it exactly right.”