Chapter Text
Tears stream down Jisung’s cheeks as he reads. He hasn’t felt like himself in awhile. Something changing inside him one day at a fansign for Stray Kids, and Jisung hasn’t been okay since.
***
He’s sitting by Jeongin, smiling and talking to each fan as they come up to him. Everything is normal, the fans giving them cute gifts to play with. Jisung is wearing multiple necklaces and bracelets, at least two headbands in his hair. But then a fan gives Jeongin a gift that makes Jisung pause, a weird sensation settling in him.
Jeongin is laughing as he holds up a toy baby bottle, scolding the fan in front of him gently. The two of them are arguing back and forth about how he’s not a baby, but Jisung couldn’t tear his eyes away from the bottle. His hands were unconsciously reaching for the item, but then a fan coughed in front of him, and Jisung snapped back to attention.
He finished signing for the fans as quickly as he could, and when he was done his thoughts gravitate back to the bottle. He wanted it, and it was just sitting on the table, untouched. Without a second thought, he snatched it up, examining it for himself. The nipple was white, and the cap holding it in place was a bright pink. It was oversized, and Jisung giggled to himself as he thought about filling it up. That would be way too much milk! It was pretty, and Jisung liked it a lot. He wanted to keep it.
The fansign finished like that, and Jisung brought the bottle home. A few teasing words came from the members, but Jisung returned them in good fun. Despite him teasing them back and smiling, something about the members calling him a “baby” unsettled him. When they get back to the dorm, Jisung shoves the bottle deep in his closet, and vows to forget about it.
He had forgotten about it too, until just a moment ago. Jisung is beyond exhausted, but he can’t sleep. As he lays on the couch, TV blaring in front of him, his thumb enters his mouth without him noticing. Jisung feels himself getting sleepier as he sucks on his thumb, and just as he’s falling out does he realize what he’s doing. He jolts awake, looking down at his wet thumb in horror.
He’s a teenager, nearing adulthood more than anything, so why is he sucking his thumb?! Babies suck their thumb, not soon-to-be twenty-year old’s. The thumb sucking flashes him back to the bottle incident, and Jisung feels ashamed. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, he’s never wanted children’s things this way before.
But then Jisung really stops and thinks about it, and realizes he has wanted these things before now. A few times that he’s eaten out with the members, Jisung has held himself back from asking for the placemat and crayons they give small children. He’s felt unsafe crossing the street by himself, and so much more he can’t even remember.
He starts to feel sick, and in a desperate attempt to solve this once and for all, he drags out his laptop. He sets his internet browser to private mode and then types in his question.
why do I want to do things that small children do?
Taking a deep breath, he clicks the search button. Deep searching through hundreds of “10 ways kids appear to be acting bad but aren’t” and “101 things to do with your kids” Jisung finds something that sounds like him.
It’s a chat forum from some random website, and the question asked sounds just like him.
Am I a little? For almost all of my young adult life I have enjoyed things meant for kids. Feetie pajamas, pacifiers, cartoons, and coloring are some of the things. I also want to be taken care of like a child would. Does this make me a little?
The word little stands out in his mind. Jisung’s never heard the word used this way before, and he needs to know what it means. He clears his previous search and types in a new one, “ what’s a little? ” staring at him.
A little is a person who likes to act younger than they really are. Most littles don’t act little twenty-four seven, but when they do it’s called “slipping into headspace”.
Jisung spends hours reading about little space and littles. By the time he’s done he’s on the verge of sobbing, identifying so strongly with what he’s seen that it aches. Having a name to what he’s been feeling lately is a relief, but it’s also terrifying. Jisung can’t help but think about what people would think of him if they knew, and he whimpers.
Now that he’s acknowledged his wants and needs, that he’s a little, his desire to be little is strong. There is no way Jisung can let himself have that though, it’s wrong, he knows it is. And even if it wasn’t wrong it’s far too weird, Jisung just wants to be normal among all else.
It’s then he decides he won’t give in. Jisung won’t let himself be little, he’ll suppress it. As much as the thought tears him apart, Jisung knows it’s the right decision. Should he ever let himself be little and get caught, it could break Stray Kids apart. Jisung loves his group, and would never risk being kicked out or the group disbanding. He’s suppressed this side of him for so long already, how hard could it be to continue?
***
Suppressing his little side is harder than Jisung thought it would be. Now that he’s aware of it, all Jisung wants is to be able to slip, to go to his headspace and relax. Despite his insistence to not be little, Jisung has continued to research about it. Hearing about how relaxing it is to be little has been even more of a temptress, and eventually Jisung can’t stop himself.
Laptop open and loaded to a web page titled “Self Care Guide For Single Littles”, Jisung gathers his other things. The page says that to make being in headspace without a “caregiver” less scary, he should first do some Big things:
- Make yourself a list of things that will make you happy when you’re expressing your inner-you.
He pulls his notebook from beside him, red pen in his hand. He begins to write things he thinks he’d enjoy, tongue poking out his mouth as he concentrates. Drink from a bottle, suck on a pacifier, watch kid’s shows, color, play with blocks, and wear crazy fuzzy socks. Jisung finishes his list off with a flourish, and reads the next suggestion.
- Invest in yourself. Using the list you’ve created, begin purchasing baby/little necessities.
He plans to buy the items he needs whenever he’s allotted free time next, and checks the other steps. The next steps talk about making a schedule and rules, and stick to them. If you stick to your rules and schedule, it says to reward yourself. Jisung finds these to be all too easy, and finishes these quickly. With his new schedule for regressing, Jisung smiles for the first time since he discovered himself.
***
Finding time to regress proves just as difficult. Whenever Stray Kids have free time, the other members are always around, leaving no time for Jisung to be by himself. The dorm will be quiet, and he’ll just be readying to pull out his pacifier (it’s pink with yellow stars) when someone bursts into his room. He’ll shove his box of little things back under his blankets, and spend the rest of the day with his friends.
Without finding time to regress, Jisung is starting to feel the effects. He’s becoming sensitive, snapping at anyone for the smallest of things. Felix crashes into him on his way to the bathroom and Jisung says harshly to him, “watch where you’re going!” Not only is he unreasonably moody, but Jisung is struggling with daily tasks.
Stray Kids are backstage at MCountdown, and they’re eating their lunch while they wait for their pre-recording. Jisung is just staring at his food, a pair of chopsticks in his hand. For the life of him he can’t get his hands to make the proper motions, every attempt he makes to use the utensils being too clumsy. He can’t get any food to his mouth, and when the chopsticks once again slip in his grip, he gets so frustrated that he throws them down.
They make a clang as they drop to the floor, but Jisung ignores the sound. He picks up the meat on his plate with his fingers, popping it into his mouth and chewing. He fully intends to keep eating with his hands, even the side of noodles that he has, but he’s stopped before he can.
“Jisung,” Minho’s voice says. Jisung winces at the heavy, stern tone.
“What?” He can’t stop the attitude from lacing his own voice, still touchy and embarrassed to boot.
“Use your chopsticks. Have some manners,” Minho snaps back at him. Jisung feels like crying, he hates being in trouble. The thing is that Jisung wants to use chopsticks, but he can’t. No matter what he does he can’t get it to work, and suddenly he wants to throw a fit.
“No!” He denies. He won’t eat with anything except his fingers, no matter how many times he’s scolded.
“Jisung, I won’t tell you again,” Minho insists. Jisung glares at the older, and crosses his arms over his chest.
Speaking through clenched teeth, he says, “Don’t worry about me and how I eat. Worry about yourself.”
Jisung turns his gaze away from Minho then. He can tell the older is angry and disappointed with him, and a hole makes itself out in his chest. Jisung barely holds it together enough to not start crying, digging his nails into his hands. “I can’t here. I can’t be little now. Have to be big. Have to stay big.” He repeats this phrase to himself until he finally calms down.
Jisung doesn’t finish his food. Nobody, including Minho, says a word.
***
“Why isn’t this working?!” Jisung yells at no one in particular. He’s in his studio, no one except himself present. He’s trying to finish this song, and he’s so close too. But where his brain can’t think of any more lyrics, his hands are also not cooperating. Again. Whenever Jisung drags the pen across the page to write something down, it comes out in scribbles. It’s like he’s forgotten how to write.
Jisung knows it’s a side effect of not being little in far too long, but it’s infuriating. He just wants to be able to do what he wants, and with his writing capabilities out the window, he’s getting angry.
“Come on! Write!” He yells again. His hand is moving all over the paper, red lines appearing from the ink of his pen. When he pulls his hand back, it’s to see that no words have been written. Instead, it’s more scribbles, and that breaks him.
Jisung sobs at his desk, feeling smaller than ever. Chan doesn’t rush him ever, but Jisung sets his own personal goals when writing his lyrics. Usually he gets his lines written in fifteen minutes or less, and it’s a swing at his pride that he’s been struggling for hours now. Jisung also knows that despite not rushing him, Chan needs him to finish this part. Without Jisung’s lyrics, the leader can’t finish the rest of the song, and thus can’t present it to the company. With a comeback always lingering around the edge, they’re always being asked to present new songs, and Jisung is screwing this up.
His incapability is going to make it harder on Chan. He’ll be mad at Jisung because he’s— he’s been bad. Bad boys don’t finish their homework, and bad boys get punished. Jisung doesn’t want to be punished.
The tears keep flowing, and they’re making his cheeks raw, hurting him. He rubs furiously at his eyes, but it doesn’t help, and he doesn’t even have his paci. He needs his paci, why doesn’t he have his paci?
“Jisung?” A voice calls outside the door, and the sound shocks him back into being big. Leaving his little space so quickly has him feeling dazed, but he still manages to answer back the voice.
“Yes? Who is it?”
“It’s Chan hyung. Is everything alright in there?” Jisung’s blood runs cold. Chan can’t know, no one can. Jisung is still so ashamed of this side of himself, he can’t bear the rejection and disgust his members would have if they knew.
“Yeah, everything is fine hyung,” he tries to sound as convincing as possible, though the long pause before Chan speaks says it doesn’t work.
“Are you sure? Can I come in?”
“No! Don’t come in!” He responds quickly. Chan sounds hurt when he replies again, but Jisung tries not to dwell on it.
“Okay. Call me if you need me, yeah?”
“Yes hyung. I’ll call. See you back at the dorm,” he says. Jisung hears footsteps walking down the hall, and lets out a sigh of relief. He decides right then and there, to never let his little space get to him again. Forget regressing by himself, forget all of it. He won’t get caught, he can’t .
Jisung is sure now more than ever, that he hates being a little.
He hates how it affects him, how he can’t do the simple things he always has. Writing, eating, even getting dressed and tying his shoes has become a problem. Jisung fumbles through it all, and the embarrassment he feels doesn’t end.
Jisung is so embarrassed all the time now. He’ll be talking with one of the members and suddenly notices his speech is different. He has trouble with thinking of bigger words, and instead of saying something like “I’m hungry”, he’ll just come out with “eat!” He’s been asked one too many times what he wants because he can’t express himself the same, and he can never get what he wants across.
He’s done with letting this affect him. No more will he accept it, and he’ll shove all these feelings down farther than ever. He doesn’t need to be a little, he can be normal. He was normal before, and he’ll do it again. Jisung wishes he’d never seen that bottle, that the fan had never given it to Jeongin. He never would’ve uncovered his real self, and then there wouldn’t be all these risks.
The risk of losing his best friends is high, because they’ll be disgusted. He can hear now how they’ll say he’s weird, and that it’s sickening he wants to be treated like a child. They’ll kick him out, saying that a gross weirdo like him can’t be around them or Stays anymore. He’ll get sent home, and even then he can’t be himself. There’s too much fear, too much anxiety behind all of this to be worth it.
He’s done. Jisung will never let this other side of him out again.
***
Of course, things don’t go his way.
Jisung should be used to everything getting messed up, but for some reason, he let himself believe it was all okay again. He shoved his little aside, and has been able to perform simple tasks on his own again. He can eat without suspicion, shower without mixing up the shampoo and conditioner, and tie his shoes again! It’s been great, and he’s even been able to ignore the emptiness he feels. Jisung is sure he’s back to his normal self, until he wakes up one day feeling so much not like himself.
The emptiness is louder today, and he feels completely drained. Jisung has no energy for anything, and yet they have practice. Maybe he could’ve struggled through vocal practice, or even through practicing his rap. But today is dance practice, and he knows before it even starts that it’s not going to be easy.
“Again!” Chan yells. They’ve been dancing this part of the choreography for an hour now, and it’s still not right. Jisung knows it’s mostly his fault, small mistakes happening here and there. His feet aren’t obeying him, but he’s pushing through. He has to get this right, he has to stop holding the group back.
Except the harder he focuses, the worse he does. And this time, when Jisung messes up, he really screws it up. He trips over his own feet, stumbling and landing on his hands and knees with a painful thud! Silence encompasses the room, and then Chan’s voice is ringing out.
“Han Jisung!” His tone is sharp, angry. Jisung shrinks in on himself from his place on the floor.
“You keep making mistakes today. I know you’re prone to messing up the choreography, but it’s never been this bad. What’s going on?” Chan bites out. Jisung’s hands are shaking, fear eating him whole.
“N-nothing. Nothing is wrong,” he lies. Lying seems to be a mistake on his part, as it only fuels more mean words from Chan.
“Don’t lie to me!” Chan roars. “I’m disappointed Jisung, I never expected you to so blatantly lie to my face.” With that, Jisung's whole world shifts.
The words are devastating. Jisung has never wanted to be a disappointment, he just wants people to be proud of him. Hearing those words from their leader, from his hyung he admires so much, shatters him.
And Jisung drops.
He slips into his headspace, and he knows he’s not going to pull out. His knees are still aching from the fall, and he’s sobbing. The members are surrounding him, and that scares him more. He scrambles backward fearfully, wide-eyed with his wet cheeks. He’s hiccuping as he looks from member to member, and when he makes eye contact with Chan the older takes a step towards him.
Jisung sobs louder, crawling on the floor until he finds anyone but Chan. His hands make contact with Hyunjin’s leg first, and his fists clench onto the fabric of his pants. Jisung pulls at Hyunjin’s pant leg, yanking desperately until the other gets the idea. Hyunjin sits down on the floor, and once he’s down there Jisung crawls into his lap. The ability to make words comes back to him briefly, and he cries into Hyunjin’s neck.
“My knees, my knees,” he whimpers, his voice pitched high.
Hyunjin is stunned, and unsure what to do in this moment. When Jisung starts squirming uncomfortably in his lap from the lack of attention, Hyunjin’s brain catches up and he finds a way to respond to Jisung’s cries.
“Baby, what about your knees? What’s wrong with your knees?”
“Hurt. Jinnie, knee hurt!” He sobs. Hyunjin shushes him, rocking them in their position on the floor.
“Jisung—“ Chan tries to approach again, but Jisung stops him with a loud and frightful, “no!’
Hyunjin holds his hand up in a sign for Chan to stay back. If Jisung was looking, he would have seen the hurt and regret on the leader’s face. But he’s not looking at Chan, instead he’s looking around at the other members over Hyunjin’s shoulder. While Hyunjin is calming him down, Jisung makes eye contact with Jeongin. Jisung’s lower lip wobbles as fresh tears well up in his eyes, and he’s reaching his arms up and out to the other. Jeongin runs over to Jisung, picking him up.
“My Jinnie, my Innie,” he murmurs into Jeongin’s neck, hand hanging down so that Hyunjin can hold it. He settles down like that as Jeongin gently bounces him, one hand holding Hyunjin’s, the other in his mouth. Jisung doesn’t have his pacifier, so he comforts himself by sucking his thumb. It’s soothing, and helps bring him back down.
The other members have all approached him at this point, and Jisung has let them all near him except Chan and Minho. Chan scared him and made him sad, Chan is too mean to Jisung’s Little mind. And Jisung has not forgotten the day Minho wouldn’t let him eat with his hands. Minho was mean too, and Jisung is scared of mean people.
“Innie, let go,” Jisung mumbles when he’s feeling better, and Jeongin sets him down. He sits down, looking at his two hyungs across the room.
“Hyungie’s mean. Hyungie’s hurt Ji’s f-feelings,” his words don’t come out exactly right, but Jisung is proud of himself. He got his point across like a big boy!
“Jisungie, hyung is sorry. Hyung didn’t mean to upset you,” Chan says. Jisung gives him a wary look, not trusting the leader’s words completely.
“Jisung, whatever I did wrong I’m sorry for it too. Hyung doesn’t intend to be mean, and Hyung is sorry if he ever was,” Minho holds his hands up in a placating manner. Jisung isn’t ready to forgive either boy yet, so he turns away from them.
“Innie… Ji tired,” Jisung mumbles, slumping against the boy’s chest. His thumb goes in his mouth again, and he closes his eyes.
“Guys… we have to take him home. He can’t sleep here,” Jeongin voices.
“Alright, everyone pack up. Practice obviously won’t be continuing for today.” Chan tells the room with a sigh, and everyone scrambles around to grab their stuff. Hyunjin grabs Jisung’s bag for him, slinging it over his shoulder. As Jeongin carries him out of the practice room, Jisung hazily hears Chan say something to Hyunjin.
“When he’s okay again… we need to talk about what just happened.”
“I know hyung, and we will,” Hyunjin assures. The conversations flies over Jisung’s head, and he snuggles himself further into Jeongin’s shoulder, before falling asleep.
***
They get Jisung home, and Jeongin carries him to his room. He’s leaning down to lower Jisung to the bed gently, and has him almost completely down when he whines. Jeongin shushes him until he falls out again, but every time Jeongin tries to lower him onto his pillows, he cries again. The final time it happens, Jisung wakes up fully.
His hands are clenched tightly in Jeongin’s shirt, small, tired noises escaping him. Jeongin realizes he’s not going to be able to put Jisung down without getting in bed with him, so he climbs in. He settles Jisung against his chest, but something is still upsetting the boy, his whimpering noises not stopping.
“Shhh baby, haven’t you had a long day? You should sleep now, don’t fight it. Innie is here, Innie will keep you safe,” Jeongin says anything to comfort the boy, rubbing his back gently. His words don’t settle the other down though, and Jisung fusses in his arms. His puffy eyes and sleep rumpled hair are adorable, and Jeongin almost cooed at him.
“Where my Jinnie? Need my Jinnie,” Jisung whines and— oh! That makes so much sense. Jisung was attached to Hyunjin at the practice room, of course he’d still want him at the dorm. Jeongin whips out his phone, texting the group chat and telling Hyunjin to come to his and Jisung’s room. The older boy shows up quickly, and climbs into bed when Jeongin motions him to.
Once Hyunjin is in the bed, Jisung positions himself between the two boys. His back is against Jeongin’s chest, and his face is snuggled against Hyunjin’s front. Hyunjin runs his hands through Jisung’s hair gently, fingers slipping through the knots easily. His heart clenches when Jisung makes a little suckling noise, stuffing Hyunjin’s shirt into his mouth. Jisung falls asleep like that, warm and content between the two.
None of them understand what happened today, but they handled it the best they could. Hyunjin and Jeongin both know that this topic will have to be discussed eventually, and they both dread the possible ways Jisung could react. All either of them know is that they want to support Jisung in whatever this new side of him is, all of them do. And whatever bad things they have to get through, they’ll work through them.
Everything will work itself out in time, so the two let themselves fall into sleep as well, putting their worries aside for later. After all, they’ve got a cuddly boy in between them, there’s no room for worry right now.