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Knowing Ben Solo, sharing the bond itself, even just touching his hand for one moment felt like Rey was coming home to a place she never knew before. It wasn’t Ahch-To, and it definitely wasn’t Jakku, but she could see it, sense it, recognize it, almost tangible in her mind. She ached with the feeling.
Not ache in a bad pretense, no - sort of like the way your muscles feel after you’ve had a good run. Painful, just a bit, but reassuring that you’re working towards something ultimately good. In her case, great. Maybe even wonderful.
Before, she was barely touched. If she was, it was the rough jerk she felt as she tried to wrench herself free to reach for her parents, the unwanted touches she’d received as a child on Jakku, or recently, the friendly punches or reassuring hands on her shoulders from fellow members of the Resistance. No contact with others seemed to be particularly emotionally charged. Until she met Ben.
Within their meetings, they had clipped the other’s shoulder as they were walking past - and purposefully ignoring - each other, brushed fingertips on Ahch-To, and one moment in particular, Ben lightly took her upper arm in his hand to steady her. It wasn’t much, she surmised, but in those moments, her throat tightened, her skin set aflame by contact she didn’t think she wanted - but now knew she craved. It was getting to a point where she had considered reaching out and touching him, getting him to pull off a glove and reliving a moment on Ahch-To that had been so rudely interrupted by Master Skywalker - no, Luke - as he yelled and nearly wrenched them apart. Their bond had closed off that night, probably for the better, before he got the chance. She wanted that openness again, with her mind pouring into his and his cascading into her like a raging river into a calmer lake.
She knew she could never, though. Their bond was so tight at this point that the tiniest slip-up, the chastest touch of bare skin, may reveal her every inclination to him, including ones she had even been denying herself. She told herself she would never let that happen. She couldn’t lose Ben.
However, all this stilled when they appeared to each other late one night, Rey realizing belatedly that she had somehow ended up in his bed. He seemed peacefully asleep, on his back, nothing like the Supreme Leader Kylo Ren he fancied himself to be. She knew him better like this, at times when they were alone and could interface - to a degree, she reminded herself. This wasn’t out of the ordinary; it had happened before, him appearing in her quarters and vice versa, but she hadn’t ever been thinking this way about him during those times. Then, it had all been awkward shuffling, trying to get distance and not making contact - Rey noticed, more often than not in this state, that he wore no shirt. Skin-to-skin interaction had been the problem between the two; neither wanted any more visions, whether in their favor or not, and though he could sometimes place a hand on her arm through his glove, nothing had happened. Just the burning feeling pooling in her belly at the touch.
She chided herself for letting her mind wander that far when he was right there. Even without touching, they could exchange a lot of feelings, some thoughts and words, though they both made an effort to keep some of them particularly guarded. Though, she thought, would he wake if she laid a hand on his shoulder? On his exposed hand? She was almost daring enough to try it, but decided against it when he shifted towards her. Silvery light shone on his scar - her scar, and she felt a strange feeling of pride bubble up inside her. She didn’t want to hurt him… but that mark made him hers in a roundabout way. She liked the thought, but pushed it down before she could get any grip on it. What was she getting at? Owning him? That was absurd. She didn’t have any power over him, nor him over her. She couldn’t possess him.
Yet, her mind didn’t yield. Mine, it asserted.
She heard a grunt as one of his eyes opened. A small grin graced his lips, and she gasped.
Your thoughts are quite loud, you know.
“B-Ben!” She squeaked, her face red, even in the darkness. She covered her mouth, remembering she wasn’t alone on her side of things.
Were you listening the whole time? What did you hear? She almost didn’t want to think about it. She felt a little sick.
His grin widened. The whole thing.
She curled up inside herself, working feebly to close the bond. He tsked at that, reaching up to take her wrist in his… ungloved hand. He placed her hand on his face, and she realized how warm he felt. He was blushing, and she relaxed slightly.
But she straightened up again, her thoughts back on her musings only moments earlier. What could he possibly think of her now? She couldn’t even ask the question, but he gave her an answer.
He closed his eyes. Yes, he whispered silently, brushing his thumb comfortingly against her small hand. He sighed what Rey felt was an expression of relief, and she felt almost shocked to hear him echo her thoughts right back into her own head. Yours.