Chapter Text
Everything becomes a blur.
Once again, his eyes fill with tears. He hates it. Hates the way he breaks down because of the simplest things. This time is no different, but he never lets anyone see it. He doesn't want to let Bakugou win. He feels like he's choking but he keeps the tears inside, smiling like nothing bad is happening. He feels the urge to clutch his hand on his chest, where his heart is beating rapidly, but he resists. Bakugou knows he is weak, but the others don't need to see his worst side. Izuku isn't even sure of what triggered Bakugou's temper this time or maybe he just doesn't understand it. Maybe he doesn't need a reason at all, especially if he's just going to remind Izuku how worthless he is. He always calls him names and beats him up whenever he has the opportunity. After some time, the punches stopped hurting, but the words - the words he'd hear hurt more than he could ever describe.
He's recently started attending UA, but not as a part of the Hero Course. As much as he'd want that, he doesn't have a quirk and so he failed the entrance exam. Theory is something he can remember, but the practical part... It was an utter failure. Everyone already saw that coming, including him, but he still wasn't ready for this news. He ended up in the General Studies course, hoping to at least watch future heroes and analyze their quirks. He hasn't given up on becoming a pro yet, but he decides to take his time and come up with a plan. For now he can only work out and wonder if there are any weapons that can support him enough to be able to fight.
But the hope in him is dying at a maddening pace. Bakugou wasn't pleased when he found out Izuku was attending the same school. He called him out on being in the General Studies course, saying he knew he wouldn't have been able to get in the Hero Course. Izuku was aware Bakugou was spitting out anything that could hurt him, but sometimes his words feel so real that it's easy to give in. Bullying isn't something new and Izuku, already used to it, doesn't expect things to go differently in high school. He realized Bakugou would surely get into UA but despite his fear, he still took the chance. Attending this school is his dream and he doesn't want to give that up.
Sometimes he regrets this decision.
"It would be better if you just jumped off the roof, you little shit," Bakugou says through gritted teeth. He doesn't yell this time. He doesn't raise his hand at him. Maybe he knows it's pointless since there are too many people around. Maybe he knows his serious tone scares Izuku more than anything. Maybe he knows that Izuku feels like all the air is gone from his lungs because Bakugou means it. Bakugou's words have never felt so sincere before and Izuku can almost hear his heart drop. He told him to die, didn't he? But what's the point? Izuku already feels dead.
Before it all happened, he was out in the open, observing some students during their training. He had some free time between his own lessons, so he wanted to make use of it. He just happened to be lucky enough to witness a hero class during their training. Surprisingly, there was no teacher in sight, so no one really paid any attention to him. He got too confident and came closer, and that was why Bakugou noticed him, immediately getting mad and laughing at his "nerdy hobby". The insults were only getting worse from that point. He doesn't know how many times he hears "useless", "fucking stupid", "little bitch" and "disgusting shitface" before it becomes enough for him to just shut down his ears. Or at least try. The most embarrassing part is that all of class 1-A is there. Izuku doesn't know them, they don't know him and he doesn't want them to see how weak he is. He wants to be a hero, damn it. Where did it go wrong? Why is he such a coward? Why can't he say something instead of standing there, frozen like a block of ice and scared shitless with a fake smile on his face?
But before any of them manages to say anything more, a boy with glasses on his face steps in. Car-like engines in each of his calves, giving him super speed and extreme kicking power, Izuku thinks unconsciously, still trying to focus on stopping his tears that threatened to fall any time.
"Bakugou, I must inform you that this kind of speech can be considered as inciting suicide and it's strictly proh—"
"It's okay," Izuku breathes quickly, surprised he manages to get anything out of his closed throat. It happens so fast he isn't sure if anyone actually hears him. He just wants to get away. "I'm sure Kacchan didn't mean it this way," and before Bakugou has the chance to prove him wrong, he adds "have a nice training" with a nervous smile and leaves the place.
Only then he lets his smile disappear and feels hot tears on his cheeks, finally letting out everything he was holding back because of other people's eyes on him.
"Is he okay?" Ochako asks, worried. She doesn't know this boy, but she saw him many times, mostly with Bakugou or when he was writing something in his notebook. He seems so sincere. She doesn't know what's going on with him and her classmate, but it's clear that something is off. Bakugou is acting differently than usual. Sure, he is blunt, but there is this look in his eyes when he looks at the other boy. A look that she has never seen on him before. For a short while she just stands there in shock, surprised by the level of aggression Bakugou shows.
"Doesn't matter. The nerdy little shit should know his place by now."
Bakugou says it with such hatred that Ochako feels shivers down her spine. He is dangerous, she thinks. But he's her classmate. It's stupid to be afraid of your classmate, isn't it? But how can someone who wants to save people in the future treat another human being like that?
"Uraraka," she hears Iida and a second later she feels a light touch on her shoulder. "Do you feel alright? You've become quite pale. As a representative of the class, I can—"
"I'm okay," she cuts him off with a light smile. "We can go back to the training Bakugou interrupted," she adds in a bitter tone and the said boy looks at her with a murderous glare. He opens his mouth to talk back, getting even more annoyed as he realizes no one is really paying attention to him anymore. “It’s all this useless Deku’s fault, Round Face. Don’t fucking blame me,” he spits out, narrowing his eyes. He clenches his fists tightly. His sparring partner will have a hard time today.
After he leaves the training grounds, Izuku goes to the school's rooftop. The students aren't probably allowed here, but that's why he likes this place so much. He can be alone here and no one will know. When he first got here, he had found the keys right next to the door, under some old, empty box. Well, he tripped over the box when he tried to open the locked door. He was really desperate to find an isolated place. That's how he found the key and he figured out it was probably a spare one in case of an emergency. Midoriya always remembers to put it back so no one will suspect anyone coming onto the rooftop.
The air is playing with his hair gently as he sits on the floor and remembers the situation from a few minutes ago. Bakugou's reaction was predictable, but he was surprised by the boy that stepped in. And just before he left, he was pretty sure he heard a female voice asking if he was okay. He isn't used to this. The only one who has ever been nice to him is his mother and she's family, so she has a reason for that. But them? They don't need to do it. They would be better off trying to befriend Bakugou who has a brighter future with his talent and strength. Izuku wouldn't probably be able to place even a single punch on any of the students from the Hero Course. He's sure they will realize it eventually. That's why he doesn't try to find friends in his new class. They can change when they realize Midoriya isn't worth it.
Just like Bakugou did.
So he keeps a distance. He smiles and laughs like everyone else but he never really lets anyone in. He locked himself away and put on a mask. It's heavy but it's necessary. It's familiar. It's something he can handle and something he has control over. He would never hope too much, he would never smile too wide. Because the day everything crumbles, he will be prepared.
He tries to remember when it all went so wrong. Probably when he found out he was quirkless. Izuku watched as everyone's eyes filled with pity everytime they looked at him. Only Kacchan's eyes were different. They were angry. They are always so angry. Izuku knows they were supposed to become heroes together and then he went and destroyed it all, even if he didn't mean it. He wants to make things right, but he seems to be the only one. There is no one who believes in him besides himself. And it's tiring to be alone. It's tiring to smile. It's tiring to take another breath and be thankful you’re alive because Izuku feels only a deep hole in his chest and it's eating him from the inside and there are times when he just wants to—
But no.
Not yet, at least.