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English
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Published:
2020-01-24
Updated:
2024-07-29
Words:
18,102
Chapters:
34/?
Comments:
56
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75
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The Official List of Unofficial Rules

Summary:

When a new crew member joins the Enterprise, they are sent a set of rules they won't find anywhere else.

**Originally posted on ff.net see inside for details**

Notes:

Hello there! I'm Saphura (now iSaphura), I am the original creator/author of The Official List of Unofficial Rules. If you were active on the Star Trek TOS ffn site between 2010-2014 and are thinking to yourself "hey, this story seems familiar", guess what: it is. If you want to skip ahead, head over there, it's under the same title. I fully intended to continue The List, but real life happened and sadly I never returned to it. SIX YEARS LATER I'm posting it here because why the heck not and who knows, maybe I'll put up the unpublished rules that remain.

So, posting rules (haha more rules)
1. I will be posting the rules in the order they are found in the original fic, however, I will not be reposting any a/n's except those citing contributors because none of us want to listen to younger me ramble on. Grammar will be fixed and minor tweaks made.
2. I will not be posting this all at once. Maybe a few times a week, maybe once a week, but you're not getting all 83 chapters at once.
3. Some of these are... dated. Very dated, and do not or no longer represent my views on certain subjects, or how I feel about the characters now. This is meant to be funny, but I will admit some of the humor may be off.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

"What's this?"

"Hey, I got one too!"

"Same."

A group of three new Ensigns were checking their messages and found they all had the same message. A Lieutenant walked by.

"What are you all looking at?" he asked.

"The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise," an Ensign replied. "Seems we all got it."

"That's because you're new around here," the Lieutenant replied. "The crew sends that list out to all the newbies when they first arrive and update it every once in a while for the rest of us."

"So it's a ship-wide thing?" a second Ensign asked.

"Yep. These are the rules they don't tell you about." The Lieutenant smiled. "I'd suggest you follow them. Most of the rules are from personal experience."

"Let's see what other rules we need to learn," the third Ensign said as the Lieutenant walked away. The three opened the message and began to read...

The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise

1. When you re-materialize, it is unnecessary for you to make sure you have all your body parts. We are pretty sure you would know if something was missing.

2. Making sound effects when using the transporter are unnecessary, childish, and makes you sound stupid.

3. Whenever Kirk, Spock, McCoy, (or any male crew member for that matter) re-materializes, do not start singing "It's Rainin' Men".

4. Do not drink any of the Doctor's bourbon without permission.

5. Do not take any of Scotty's liquor without permission. Especially his scotch.

6. Do not mess with Kirk's coffee.

7. Do not challenge Scotty or Chekov to a drinking game. And do not challenge them both at the same time. It will end badly.

8a. Do not call McCoy up-tight, snippy, grumpy, an old coot, gramps, hypo man, or anything other than Doc, Doctor, Dr. McCoy, McCoy, or Bones.

8b. Unless you're Captain Kirk, don't call Dr. McCoy 'Bones'.

9. Kirk is not the most important person in the universe. His ego is big enough already, don't give him any new ideas.

10. There is no "shotgun" seat on a Starship, so don't call it.

11. Do not use Sulu's foils to make shish kabobs, and don't use the warp engines to cook said shish kabobs.

12. Captain Kirk is not "The Man", so don't "stick it to him" (even if you want to).

13. Making finger pistols when phasers or photon torpedoes are fired is inappropriate and childish. Especially on the Bridge.

14. Do not give ratings on the resulting explosions of a destroyed ship. It is highly frowned upon.

15. Spock is not an elf.

16. Nor is he a computer, so don't ask him where his access port is.

17. Do not make fun of Chekov's accent.

18. Do not make fun of Scotty's accent.

19. Do not call Mr. Scott 'English' or 'British'. He is Scottish, there is a difference.

20a. The transporter is not a toy. It is an important piece of equipment that should not be abused.

20b. If you break it, report the problem to Mr. Scott right away. Do not try and fix it yourself even if you are in Engineering.