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The pen dug into the paper, leaving indents on the page beneath it. Three years on and it wasn’t as frequent as it used to be. You felt stable and dare you say, happy even. But there were days where it was hard, where the pain blindsided you. You weren’t sure that would ever stop. You had long since put photos back on the walls, packed up her things into boxes that sat on a shelf, bar a few things you still couldn’t part with.
A year after you had lost her, Steve found you holding your phone, crying. You had called her phone, just wanting to hear her voice, before replaying the last voicemail you’d had from her. For every step you made forward, sometimes it seemed like it was two steps back in the healing process. You had come to terms with losing her, but you hadn’t come to terms with how things ended, with how the five years leading up to that moment had gone. You weren’t sure you ever would, no matter how much time passed.
You never thought you would say Steve Rogers was one of your best friends, but he was a shoulder to lean on, someone who didn’t push you harder than necessary when it came to your healing. He was the only one who knew about the box of letters and about the phone calls, which had stopped when Natasha’s number was reassigned. That day had been hard on you.
You remembered the letter you had written to her that day. It was short and to the point.
December 17, 2024
My Natasha,
They gave your number away. I should have expected it sooner, if I’m being honest. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t. I explained to the person who picked up that it had been your number and I was really missing you. I apologized for the disturbance and when I hung up, I blocked it. Better than blindly calling in the middle of the night if things get bad, you know?
I’m not doing so well, Tasha. It’s been over a year and it still hurts. I still have moments where I wish it was Clint instead and then I feel like a monster. I know you. And I know why you made the decision you did but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Steve of all people has become one of my biggest pillars of support. Steve. Can you believe it? I suppose at the end of the day, we’ve been dealt a similar hand by fate. His love was lost to time. My love was lost to the job we chose. But love lost is love lost. And he lost you too. I try to remember I’m not the only one who lost you, but it’s hard. It’s hard Tasha and I’m still learning life without you.
I miss you. I’m trying. I hope you’d be proud of me for how far I’ve come since last year. Sometimes it feels like I haven’t moved forward at all. Then I remember I’ve been writing less than I was in the beginning. I’m crying less than I was then. I’m talking to Clint again. I can look at old photos without wanting to breakdown. It’s progress.
Love you always,
The letters always went in the shoebox. The box was almost overflowing with the letters that were in there. Today, you were determined to have it be the last letter you put in the box. It had been a long time since you’d written one. You and Natasha had been complicated individuals. You had been an even more complex couple. Thanos had served to damn near destroy your relationship and your friendship. Natasha was a friend you had never wanted to lose. Before you had ever dated, she was one of your closest friends.
You had just signed the latest letter, the last one, and put it in the envelope when you heard the bedroom door open. You gave Steve a look. He glanced at you, taking in your appearance
“You look beautiful. You ready?” he asked softly.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be completely ready, Steve. But I have to move forward. Do you think she’s happy, wherever she is?” you asked him. He brought a hand up to your face, wiping the tear that had fallen. To anyone else, it would look like an intimate moment between a couple. But to those who knew better, it was two broken people, holding tight to what they had left.
“She would have wanted you to move on. It’s a new chapter for you,” he told you, as he pulled you into a hug.
“Rogers I swear to god, if her makeup is a mess, you’re a dead man,” Pepper said as she returned to the room.
“Yes ma’am,” he said. You set the letter in the box and turned the lock. Maybe one day, someone would find the box. But for now, it would remain on the top shelf of the closet, tucked out of sight.
“She’s going to tear up when she sees you,” Pepper said.
“Clint said she’s just as nervous,” Steve said. You smiled at the mention of her, of Wanda. Where you had leaned on Steve as a friend, Wanda had become something more to you in the years since the Blip.
“You ready?” Steve asked, offering his arm.
“Yeah. I think I am,” you said. Pepper led the two of you to an entryway. The grounds of the compound were set for a wedding, a small group of close friends. You and Wanda were entering from opposite sides to meet at the altar. Clint was walking with her, while Steve was walking with her. Not to give either of you away, but as support. You had both wanted to include tradition in a way. As the processional started, you saw a rainbow overhead, which was odd, given how beautiful a day it was, without a cloud in sight. You thought back to the letter you had written just that morning.
September 5, 2026
My Dearest Tasha,
I’m getting married today. I wish it was you, but it’s not. But at the same time, I’m incredibly happy with her, so excited to be marrying her. When I first started seeing her, I felt like I was betraying you somehow. When I told her I loved her for the first time, my heart broke a little too. When we got engaged, it was bittersweet. Call it what you will, but I feel like you were there every step. When we got engaged, it started snowing. In the middle of October in New York City, when there was none in the forecast. You know how I love the snow. We had gone into the city to see a musical and she proposed after lunch, when we went for a walk in Central Park.
Wherever you are, Tasha, know that you will always be in my heart, no matter where life takes me. I wish the end for us had been better than it was, not only the part where I lost you, but everything that led up to it. I thought I could never love someone the same way again, and in some ways, I don’t love her the way I loved you. It’s a different kind of love. But god, I love her.
Steve’s walking with me down the aisle. He got married last year. Sharon Carter. They really are adorable together, Tash. They’re having a kid soon, a daughter. Bucky and Sam have been fighting over who’s going to be the godfather since they announced the pregnancy.
Wanda and I have talked about kids, about what we want. It’s scary, Tasha. All I know is, when we do have kids, they’ll hear about Aunt Nat, about what a badass you were, and about how much you loved those you cared about.
Say hey to Tony to me. Morgan’s growing up to be a strong young woman. He would be proud of her.
Love always,’
As you reached the altar, you smiled as you took Wanda’s hand in yours. Yeah, things were going to be alright.