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Alisaie had wept. After separating herself from her brother and the Warrior of Light, she had returned to Holminster Switch. She had re-walked its paths in the now eerie stillness of the newly restored night, beheld the many corpses of people and livestock who had died and suddenly the tears came flooding down her face. She could do nothing but let them fall, unable and perhaps unwilling to stop them, and when she reached the fenced in field that had been Tesleen’s final resting place she collapsed. Not since her grandfather’s death had she cried like this.
She had no awareness of the passage of time while she sat there in the dirt wailing to the stars. When at last her tears were spent she felt weaker in mind, body and spirit than ever before. It had likely been a few bells by now and she knew it would cause concern if she stayed any longer, if it hadn’t already. She was hopeful that other duties would busy her companions and so they would not have taken notice. Climbing wearily to her feet, Alisaie began a slow journey back to the Crystarium. She did not look back.
The road back to the city felt longer than it should have given how close the hamlet was. Her mind was so clouded in fog that Alisaie was shocked she didn’t accidentally stumble headfirst into one of the many beasts prowling Lakeland. She’s grateful she did not. She would not have been able to do battle in this state. The events of the day had taken a hard toll on her. Every muscle ached from combat. Yet despite the exhaustion sleep was the last thing on her mind.
She passed through the city gates and down the streets without even realizing where her legs were taking her. She found herself in the marketplace which was still lively despite the late hour. She climbed the stairs and made a beeline for a food stand she knew sold the most delicious cookies. As it came into view, however, she noted someone else was already there. Alphinaud was leaning against the wall beside the shop, arms crossed and gazing out towards the square.
“Alphinaud? What are you doing here?” she inquired once she was close enough.
She stopped a few paces from him and he turned to look at her. Immediately she lowered her gaze so as to hide her red eyes and tear stained face from him.
“I would ask you the same,” he replied. “I waited for you at the Pendants but when you did not return after quite some time I thought you might be wandering the city. ‘Twould appear I assumed correctly.”
“No, I only just returned.”
He frowned at her. She was still keeping her eyes determinedly on the floor. He must have noticed the sorry state she’s in however if he did he said nothing. Instead Alphinaud stepped away, picking up a paper bag from the food stand's counter, and held it out to her.
“Well regardless, now that you’re here, we should return. The Exarch graciously prepared rooms for us and you should rest. I would like to further tend to your wounds as well.”
Alisaie glanced at the bag in his hand. There was no hiding it from him. She had pushed herself too hard and too much. Fueled by regret and fury she had done as much damage to herself as she had the enemies. Alphinaud had surely noticed her recklessness during their battles yet he had never tried to hold her back. He hadn’t even tried to stop her. He had healed her wounds in the moment and then followed her into the next battle without protest. He had yet to lectured her too. She thought that would be the first thing he'd do upon her return.
“Take it,” he urged her. “I know you have not eaten since this morning.”
No wonder he chose to wait for her here. Alisaie took the proffered bag. She still felt dazed. She even felt like she wanted to shed more tears but she didn’t think it physically possible anymore. It did not stop the sensation prickling at the corner of her eyes.
“Now, please. We should return to the Pendants and—“
“I just want to be alone.”
The words left her lips and something in her stomach dropped. She felt a tightness in her chest. No, that’s not right. That’s not what she wanted at all. Why did she say that? Because she might start crying again? Wasn’t that okay? She can’t find an answer but… she knew Alphinaud would just refuse to let her. Surely he will insist and—
“…Very well.”
Alisaie met his gaze. He looked weary. He must be exhausted too yet he stood here all this time and waited for her.
“But I implore you to stop by the infirmary ere you retire. They can do much to prevent the soreness that you will surely feel on the morrow. Rest well, Alisaie.”
He gave her one last look before he brushed passed her and left her standing by the food stand alone. She still had the bag clutched in her hands and whatever was in it smelled good. Why had he just…
…Fine. It was fine, she told herself bitterly. He would just complain at her for what she had done. She didn’t want to hear it so… she wanted to be alone. She had wanted to be alone earlier anyway. She might cry again so it was better to be alone. Never mind the fact that she didn’t actual want to be alone but who cares. She’d said it out loud for some godsdamn reason so here she was. Alone. Angrily, Alisaie left the markets. She went to the infirmary as he had asked but less because he had and more because she didn’t want to return to the Pendants and run into him. He’d likely be asleep by the time she got back from this detour.
It turned out to be a good idea. The healing and the medicines they provided did much to relax her. While her wounds had been handled fine during the battles by her brother they certainly still hurt. When she left the infirmary, however, they ached much less. She was thinking that maybe she would be able to sleep after all however when she entered the large and mostly empty room that had been prepared for her she felt the vigor from her healing session drain away.
The food Alphinaud had given her did much to satisfy her hunger, something she didn’t realize she was feeling until she started eating. He had even included the cookies she liked. How he knew these were her favorite from that particular shop, she’d never know. This thought only made the loneliness suddenly more noticeable. She hadn’t wanted the grief inside her to burst in front of everyone. That’s why she had run off to collect herself. She had hoped that by doing that she’d return just fine. Instead it still hurt and Alisaie began to wonder if she would ever crawl out of this pit in time. There was too much to do and so many more important things to focus on. She didn’t have time to wallow in this sorrow and yet its grip on her was ironclad.
So maybe it was better to be here by herself. She could focus on dealing with it and then be stronger for tomorrow. Maybe if she just kept telling herself it was better she was alone it would make her believe it.
Yet being alone just meant more time with her thoughts—with her grief, frustration and regret. She tried to combat it. She bathed, carefully washing out new and old wounds, scrubbed the tears off her face and dressed in a comfortable nightgown. Her damp hair fell loose around her shoulders. She sat on her bed and tried to read some of the books that were in the room—they spoke of the city’s history and locations of interest—but still her thoughts wandered.
Admitting defeat, Alisaie tossed the books aside, drew her legs to her chest and buried her face in her knees. Though she did not think it possible she found more tears to shed. There were so many emotions tied in a knot within her and she didn’t know how she was suppose to untangle it. She missed home. She missed her father. She missed lighthearted conversations with Lyse. She missed Tesleen and Emery and her grandfather all at once. She hated her powerlessness. She hated that she was lonely. She hated this unfamiliar room. She couldn’t fathom why Tesleen had to suffer the way that she had. A woman who had only done good and shown kindness, dying the worst kind of death. Dying and then dying again by Alisaie’s own hand.
Gods, it was all so wrong. She wasn’t strong enough. She would never be strong enough—
Lost as she was in her grief Alisaie failed to hear the opening of the door. Yet despite that she did not flinch at the sudden weight that joined her on the bed nor the gentle arm that slipped around her shoulders to pull her close. She didn’t have to look to know who it was. The comfort is familiar and she is drawn to it immediately. She turned her head to bury her face in his chest. The warmth and comfort somehow only made her cry that much harder.
Alisaie doesn’t know how long they sit on her bed like this. Even after her tears are once again spent she took comfort in being pressed against his side, head now laying comfortably on his shoulder, and so she remained this way even after going quiet. His arm was still around her shoulders and his chin rested on the top of her head. A part of her suddenly felt embarrassed even when knowing that was silly. He had seen her at her worst countless times before this.
“I… I’ll be all right,” she finally said to break the comfortable silence that had settled over them. “The day’s events were taxing and I just…”
“You needn’t explain anything to me,” Alphinaud replied softly. “Though I do not know the full story I have gathered enough to understand you knew one of the sin eaters. ’Tis why I chose to check on you. Full glad am I that I did.”
Her fingers were curled into the hem of his loose fitting night shirt and she tightened her grip a little. “…Thank you. I… When I said I wanted to be alone, I didn’t really mean it. I don’t know why I said it. I thought you’d… I don’t know. Do what you always do? Argue with me or try to convince me otherwise or start to lecture me in your usual way or… or something but… you were so amenable. It made me angry even if you were only doing what I asked.”
He chuckled softly and spoke with an amused undertow, “You got angry at me for respecting your wishes?”
“No! Well… yes, but… I don’t know. I’m sorry. I know I’m not making sense.”
“No, it’s all right. I realize in hindsight my actions must have seemed strange to you. I assure you I did not want to leave you alone as you demanded but thought it would appease you to agree. You were clearly hurting in ways I could not heal and although it pained me I had hoped…” He trailed off and sighed. “I appear to have just made the same mistake twice.”
Alisaie paused. These words pulled something in her mind—a memory she could only barely recall. She shifted, finally unfolding herself from being huddled against him. At her movement he withdrew his arm and now they sat shoulder to shoulder, backs against the wall. She met his gaze, brows furrowed in thought.
“Twice?”
Alphinaud closed his eyes. “You do not recall? After we had learned of Grandfather’s death you demanded the same. You said I was not to follow you and was to leave you alone. You were very adamant.”
Alisaie felt a light flicker on in her memory. She would certainly never in her life forget the day she had learned of their grandfather’s passing. It was yet another scar on her heart she could never truly heal. She perked up slightly. “Oh. I remember now. I went to the gardens—the backyard ones that Grandfather often sat in when he wanted to read his books outside. I stayed there nearly all night.”
She had cried in much the same manner there as she had today in that field. Also she had felt…
“Aye. ’Twas a difficult night for sleeping but somehow I managed to nod off. Yet no sooner had I than I was awakened again by your crying. You had crawled into my bed while I was asleep and I found you next to me. You were nigh inconsolable but you managed to make it clear that you had not actually wanted to be alone. I felt terrible that I had not looked for you.”
He was right. Now that he had recounted the tale the memory resurfaced. Back then she had clung to him and cried in much the same way. She recalled trying to go to her own room but finding it unbearable. So she had entered his. He hadn’t questioned it when he awoke to her sobbing. He had simply drawn his arms around her and cried with her, albeit more quietly. The hopelessness she felt today had been the same she had felt back then. She hadn’t actually wanted to deal with her hurt alone, then or now. It was just easier to push everyone away.
But Alphinaud was different. He had been the only real stability in a lifetime of losing loved ones.
“I see. So you came to check on me so that I would not crawl into your bed again and wake you with my mewling,” she teased though her tone is self-deprecating.
Alphinaud shook his head quickly. “No, nothing of the sort. I recalled the memory and realized it may not be wise to abide by your wishes after all. Even so… I have endeavored to support them even if I cannot always agree. Rather than try to stop you when your mind is made up I would rather offer to aid you to the best I am able. Hence why I was, as you said, so amenable.”
She fixed him with a curious stare but he merely smiled at her. She wasn’t sure she entirely understood… but maybe that’s why he hadn’t lectured her about her recklessness. Knowing that maybe she could endeavor to respect how he felt about her choices sometimes too. After all she was not the only one to have endured losses and although he concealed it better she knew he hurt in his own way. It must frighten him when she behaved without care for her own safety during battle.
Yet they still had each other despite everything and that was the most comforting thought of all. For the first time today Alisaie felt something in her heart besides sorrow. For all their bickering, their differences and their rivalry he was and always would be the person she loved the most.
And he was still here.
She leaned her head back against his shoulder and closed her eyes. “Well… if it spares me more of your droning I suppose I will consider it a suitable arrangement.”
“Of course, you do not make it easy,” he grumbled. “My mana pool is not limitless, you know, so it would not burden you to show some caution in combat.”
Ah, there’s the Alphinaud she knows. She knew he wouldn’t be able to help himself in the end. She smiled. It felt so natural and thoughtless to smile again. Already she could feel this pain start to mend. Although he had said he couldn’t heal this kind of hurt she wasn’t sure that was true.
“You don’t have to stay,” she said after another long moment of silence. “I’ll be all right this time. I promise.”
“If you’re certain. My room is three doors down. Should you need anything further, you are welcome to let me know.”
“All right.” Another pause. Alisaie lifted her head which allowed him to move away. She watched him climb off the bed and start for the door.
“When…” she started but trailed off. He paused and turned back around to look at her.
She took in a deep breath and pushed on, “When I can I would like to tell you. About… the sin eater I knew. I want you to know but I’m just not ready to talk about it. Not yet.”
Alphinaud smiled warmly. “I would be glad to listen. Goodnight, Sister.”
“Goodnight, Brother.”