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Ayda is sleeping next to Fig for the second time. She is in the manor that many of Fig’s friends and adult companions live in. For an undetermined amount of time, this is also where Ayda will live.
Her father didn’t seem interested in Ayda living with her, so she decided to not be interested in living with him. Ayda added that to the running mental list she has of things her father has done to hurt her.
She remembers Fig telling her that feelings she’s supposed to get from her father may come from unexpected places. She’s still not sure where those places are but has taken a mental note of the way Jawbone gave her a hug and welcomed her into his home. She asked Fig if this was normal in Solace.
“It’s normal for Jawbone, not so much everyone here,” she responded, touching Ayda’s arm. “Jawbone does his best to look out for people-- we all try, I guess, but that includes you.”
Ayda felt a ping of confusion. “Why would Jawbone look out for me? He already knows I’m here.”
Fig giggled a little, but Ayda isn’t hurt. She never makes Ayda feel bad for not understanding, and her laugh causes something in Ayda’s chest lighten up and feel like it’s bursting. Ayda chose not to focus on that feeling, but she can’t stop thinking about it now.
“Oh, I meant he wants to take care of people. He had kind of a rough life and he doesn’t want other people to go through what he did. We’ll take care of you, Ayda.”
She was unsure of how to respond. What is the correct way to go about this? Ayda knows she feels mutually, but is one person supposed to take care of another? Does this go both ways? Ayda decided it’s best to just say what she’s thinking.
“Okay. I want you to take care of me.” She said it because she did. “And, I want to take care of you. Is that okay?”
Fig’s mouth stretched into a wide smile and she blushes too, a light pink drifting across her cheeks. “That’s what being friends is about!” She nudges Adya’s arm again, this time with her elbow. The spot stays warm after the touch has ended. “You know, I’m really glad you came to live with us. I liked hanging out in Fallinel.”
The appreciation and affection she felt (and currently feels) for Fig-- and everyone here that welcomed her in, no questions asked-- was too much for Ayda and she began to cry. Fig giggled again and wiped her tears away. “Glad I’m fire-resistant, too,” she said.
“I’m extremely glad as well. I think-- I think spending time with you is fun and I like being around you.”
Fig noded and blushed again, the pink spreading to the tips of her ears.
“What do we do next?” Ayda asked, unsure of how to move on from this conversation.
“Oh, well, since Ragh and his mom moved in too, we don’t have a ton of room. You might have to share a room-- if that’s okay with you?” Fig looked at her smiling. Ayda had to share many things on Leviathan and she is willing to share a room here.
“I’m willing to share a room here.”
Fig nodded and took a deep breath. “Would you want to share a room with me? My room is pretty sick, there’s a piano under it.” Ayda does not understand how she could possibly have a piano under her bed but opts to wait and see what she means. “We’ve had slumber parties before. It’d be like, the same thing, basically.”
More slumber parties with Fig. That was something Ayda wanted, but she looked over and Fig wasn’t smiling like before. Her brow was furrowed and she was chewing on her lip. A feeling of doubt spread through Ayda, maybe Fig didn’t mean it. “Yes, I would want to do that. Is that something you would want to do? You’re asking because you want it?”
“Yes, I asked because I wanted it. I won’t ever tell you something I don’t believe, okay? Or ask you something to trick you,” she said.
Ayda felt a rush of relief. “Okay. We will share a room and keep having slumber parties.”
So now Ayda is laying next to Fig, sleeping in the same bed as her for the second time, having her second slumber party ever.
When Ayda was gathering the books and scrolls and artifacts from the Compass Points Library she read through the notes from her past selves again. The handwriting is immaculate, the paper sturdy, but the notes are analytical and straight-forward. They tell her about the library and the duties she has in taking care of it. They teach her about navigation and keeping Leviathan on the right course. They tell her who her friends are, like Garthy O’Brien, but they never mention how to make new friends. Ayda’s past selves definitely never wrote about slumber parties.
Instead, she has to learn everything she knows about slumber parties from Fig. Fig promised they would have a slumber party with Adaine and Kristen and Tracker another night, but they were just getting settled tonight.
Ayda can hear Fig breathing next to her. They aren’t talking, just laying. She can feel when Fig’s arm shifts next to her. She thinks about how Fig giggles and how her smile is bright and the way her face scrunches when she’s playing bass. How confident she is in what she says and how she goes out of her way to include Ayda.
Ayda wants to reach out and grab her hand, but she’s not sure if that’s the right thing to do. Fig said physical contact is okay but it feels like too much.
So Ayda continues to lay next to Fig during her second slumber party ever, feeling for what must be the hundredth time today a feeling she can’t describe, a warmth growing from her stomach to her chest.
…
Fig is laying next to Ayda, and this is one of too many slumber parties to count. Fig has slept over with Adaine and Kirsten so many times that it doesn’t even really feel like a slumber party anymore. And now that they live in the Manor together, sleeping in the same place has officially become not a slumber party.
She used to sleep over with the girls from her cheerleading team, but when she became a tiefling, or learned she was a tiefling is more accurate, she lost those friends. Some of that was from her pushing them away, becoming new, cool, punk Fig. A Fig who lashed out, but didn’t care that she wasn’t who she thought she was, that her mom lied to her, that her dad wasn’t really her dad.
And some of those friends didn’t like that Fig wasn’t who she thought she was, so they left. Fig misses stuff about being really girly sometimes, like cheerleading and the stuffed animals that used to keep her company in her room and painting her friend’s nails.
But Fig has found a new version of herself. She has made friends she loves, even if she has trouble saying it, and met a very cool dad and now has a better relationship with her mom and Gilear than she’s ever had. Jawbone says to look for the good in the bad, and to accept things you can’t change. So she lists the good things about being a tiefling often.
And she’s happy with her life now, even if she doesn’t really feel like herself yet.
And she’s really happy she’s made a new friend in Ayda, who burns like a furnace in the bed next to her. Fig’s friendship with Ayda feels different than her friendship with Adaine or Kristen or the other Bad Kids.
Fig wants to be vulnerable with Ayda. Well, Fig wants to be vulnerable with everyone all the time, but the embarrassment bubbles up from her stomach and makes her feel the need to push those feelings down or qualify her declarations or become someone else entirely just to say what she means.
Fig wants love and attention and acceptance. She gets it as a rockstar. She gets it from her friends. But it’s not enough.
Stage Fig and Real Fig aren’t the same person, and her fans don’t love her. And Real Fig’s friends love her and accept her, but it’s not enough .
And she lays next to Ayda and wants and wants and wants but she doesn’t even know how to begin expressing that. And she misses her old self and dreams of who she actually wants to be. She feels like she’s going to explode.
So she turns and faces Ayda. “Hey, Ayda?” Fig whispers but her voice is still loud in the silence of her room.
“Yes?” Ayda turns a faces her, her expression expectant. She never looks in Fig’s eyes though, which Fig doesn’t mind, it makes it easier to say what she means.
“Can I-- can I paint your nails?” Fig takes a breath. “It’s totally okay if you don’t want to, but it’s like, a slumber party thing. And I haven’t painted someone’s nails in a while.”
Adaine and Kristen aren’t big into painting their nails, Kristen says she keeps hers too short to be painted and Adaine anxiously picks at the paint. She’s done Gorgug’s nails for concerts a few times but they haven’t been on the road in months.
“I have never had my nails painted. I would like to try,” Ayda says. “Do you want me to paint your nails as well? I will not be very good at it as I have never done it before.”
“No, my nails are already painted.” Fig flashes her black nails in front of Ayda, wiggling her fingers. “I just want to paint someone else’s anyway. It’s different painting someone else’s, it’s like a bonding thing.”
“Okay,” Ayda says.
Fig stands up from her bed and flips a light on. “C’mon, let’s go to the bathroom and pick a color first. I think red would be really cool since it’ll match your hair, but it’s up to you!”
Ayda stands up and touches her hair. Her pajamas are a little disheveled, with one sleeve fully slipped over her shoulder and a pant leg riding up much higher than the other. Fig suppresses a giggle.
In the bathroom, Fig reaches into the cabinet under the sink, shoves some paper towels out of the way and pulls out a basket full of nail polish. She’s got pretty much every color you could want all piled on top of each other.
“Go ahead, whatever color you want!”
Ayda flicks through the basket. The bottles clink together. She takes a moment to consider each color and finally settles on a baby pink in the bottom of the basket.
“I would like this one. Is this okay?”
Fig feels a rush of nostalgia. “Yeah, that’s perfect. It used to be my favorite one.”
Ayda gets a look in her eye that Fig thinks she recognizes as Ayda being self-critical, worried about what Fig is thinking. “It’s not your favorite anymore?”
“No, I’m not really who I used to be. But I used to love pink.”
The expression on Ayda’s face shifts to surprise. “I am also no longer who I used to be. But I can’t remember anything about my past lives. I didn’t think reincarnation was usual for tieflings?”
Fig laughs a little. “No, I just meant--” She pauses and shoves down the embarrassment, she wants to be vulnerable. “I didn’t always know I was a tiefling. And when I found out it was really hard for me and I changed a lot of things about myself. I’m still trying to figure out who I am.” Fig feels relief at talking about her feelings, it’s nice to get it out. “Wait, you have past lives ?”
Ayda nods. “Because I am part phoenix when I die I reincarnate and come back, but I have no memories. Only notes from my past selves. They don’t usually write a lot about their favorite things.”
Fig thinks that’s cool as fuck, but realizes Ayda may not feel the same way about it. “That’s intense. Thanks for sharing.”
“Life can be very confusing for me.”
“Would I be able to see some of the notes? Or would you want to talk about it?”
Ayda looks down. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight. But, some other time I will show you the notes because you are my friend and I want to share it with you.”
Fig nods and feels a little embarrassed for asking. She grabs a towel from the closet and leads Ayda back to her bedroom.
She sits cross-legged across from Ayda, who has her legs in a V, her talons hanging off the bed.
“My mom’ll be really mad if I get nail polish on the bedsheets. So let me put this towel down first.”
Fig lays the towel down between them gently and spreads it so it doesn’t have too many bumps. She shakes the bottle in her hand a few times, then she puts the bottle down, tries her best to keep it sturdy and twists the cap off.
She puts her free hand out, palm facing up. “Here, give your hand.”
Ayda puts her hand in Fig’s. Her hand is warm and soft. Fig has done this too many times to count and she gets into the rhythm. Dip, up, down, dip, up, down.
…
Ayda has never had her nails painted before. There aren’t very many other young women on Leviathan, and nail polish is mostly limited to Solace and is extremely uncommon outside the borders.
Fig asks for her hand and Ayda obliges, putting her hand palm down in Fig’s. Her hand is warm and soft.
Ayda has been thinking about holding hands with Fig this entire night or maybe even since they met and Ayda thinks it feels good.
Fig steadies Ayda’s pointer finger and pulls the brush down on her nail. Painting nails is methodical Ayda finds. It’s just an up and down over and over, and Fig is being careful not to get it on the actual finger.
She switches to her middle finger and messes up a little, getting some pink outside of the nail. Fig gets the same look on her face as when she’s playing the bass and puts the brush back in the bottle and uses one hand to steady to Ayda’s hand and the other to drag a nail over her finger to scrape off the polish.
She inspects it, twisting Ayda’s hand with hers. “No big deal, all cleaned up.”
Fig continues painting Ayda’s nails, every so often cleaning up the edges and inspecting her work. Ayda thinks about the feeling of Fig’s hand on hers and how it makes her feel warm. She wants to tell Fig but she isn’t sure that would be the right thing to do. So she keeps still and quiet, thinking instead.
When Fig finishes she shows Ayda how to dry them, curving her hand with her palm facing her, and blows on her fingers as she shakes them in front of her face.
“Don’t touch anything for a couple minutes while the paint dries so you don’t smudge anything,” Fig says. Ayda holds her hands in front of her, her hands splayed.
“How do you feel?” Fig asks. Maybe Fig knows this is making her feel warm inside, that she likes having Fig hold her hands and wants her to confirm. “Do you like them?” she continues.
Ayda considers her nails for a moment. They are much brighter and than were before and she likes the color. It makes her think of the blush across Fig’s face.
“Yes. I like them, they have a nice color.” Fig smiles brightly. “And, I like that you painted them. It felt nice for you to hold my hand. I wanted it to happen.”
Ayda isn’t sure if she should have said this, she doesn’t want to the sleepover to end. But Fig smiles and blushes light pink.
“Ayda.” Fig paused, rubs her hands together and takes a deep breath. Ayda has no idea what’s coming. “Have you ever had a crush before?”
“A crush? What do you mean?” Ayda doesn’t know if she’s had a crush before.
“It’s like-- It’s like when you like someone but different than how you feel about a friend. Like you think they’re attractive and you want to hold their hand and stuff and do romantic stuff with them. Have you felt like that about someone before?”
Living on Leviathan Ayda hasn’t had many chances to have crushes before. She has thought many women traveling through Leviathan have been beautiful but they were older than her. She thinks it over and she can’t think of a crush she has had.
She thinks about Fig though, and how pretty her hair is and how she makes Ayda smile and how she wants to hold her hand. Ayda has a crush on Fig.
…
Fig has had many crushes in her life. She’s constantly falling for people she’s running into and she wants to be loved. But she knows her crushes aren’t healthy, especially when they’re on adults, but wants to be liked like that. And currently, she wants Real Fig to be liked like that.
And Ayda just told her that she likes it when Fig held her hand. And Fig liked it when she held Ayda’s hand.
Fig remembers how Aelwen tricked her, by asking about “what was going on” between her and Ayda. And then too many bad things happened for Fig to really think about what that meant but she’s really thinking about it now.
She thinks about how much she likes that Ayda is straight-forward. That she thinks about things in a totally different way than Fig does. How her hair is a bright red and her cheeks are high and angular and it’s really cool that she cries fire.
Fig has a crush on Ayda.
So she asks her about crushes and Ayda takes a moment to consider what Fig is asking her. And Fig knows she’s not being as straightforward as she could be, but if she’s misreading this situation it’ll be really embarrassing.
But Fig wants a healthy relationship and wants to be vulnerable and she wants and wants and wants.
She doesn’t wait for Ayda to finish considering and answer. It takes everything in her to push down her fear of being vulnerable, that she’ll be rejected or laughed out of her own room. She wants to start being more straight-forward, so she’s going to do it. “Ayda. I have a crush on you.”
Ayda’s eyebrows raise and she opens her mouth. “I also have a crush on you back.”
Fig feels relief wash over her and a warmth grow in her chest. “Okay. We have crushes on each other. That’s good.”
Ayda nods. “Oh, that’s good. What do we do now?”
Fig suddenly feels out of her depth. “I’ve-- nobody has had a crush on me back before, but there’s a lot of stuff it can mean.”
Ayda looks confused. “By stuff, you mean romantic things?”
“Yeah, uh, like holding hands or going on dates and hanging out or-- or kissing. Romantic stuff.”
Ayda nods and takes Fig’s hand. “Is this okay?” Ayda asks.
“Yeah, I like it.” She laughs. “But I hope your polish is dry.”
Fig shifts so she is laying next to Ayda, their hands still entwined. Ayda does the same.
The realization that Fig likes someone and they like her back is making her feel bold and excited. She’s buzzing and is kind of relishing this newfound vulnerability.
“Do you want to try something else romantic, Ayda?”
Ayda’s eyes are wide. She’s smiling to herself but looks towards Fig. “Yes, I want to.”
“Do you want to try kissing?”
Fig has had several kisses but none of them were as herself with someone who had a real crush on Real Fig. It makes her nervous, actually being herself and kissing, but the buzz running up and down her body is pushing her through the anxiety.
“Yes. I would like to try right now.” Ayda’s voice is in a low whisper.
Fig nods. “Okay, I’ll start.”
Fig is having slumber party number too many to count with crush number too many to count, but this feels real and she feels warm.
Ayda is having slumber party number two with crush number one, and she feels light for the first time in a long time.