Work Text:
EPISODE 67: LADY SMOKES AND THE BACKYARDS BERSERKER
transcribed by
Gloria Beauford
5042 S. Wolcott
RE7 - 9382
INTRO MUSIC PLAYS. PIANO STING INTO TWO WOMEN SINGING, OVERLAPPING: "HE HAD IT COMING!"
ROXIE: (LAUGHING)
VELMA: That's not-
ROXIE: I can't believe you-
VELMA: -what happened. If you'da-
ROXIE: -let her go so long thinking-
VELMA: -been there you would have thought the same thing. She comes up to me and says-
ROXIE: She comes up, like, doe-eyed, and whispers "Excuse me, is it you, it can't be can it, it really is, the one, the only-"
VELMA: I didn't say nothin' about her eyes. A woman asks for my autograph, is that so hard to believe? It wasn't until I almost started writing that she said "I can't believe I run into Elizabeth Taylor in the middle of Chicago"
ROXIE: (LAUGHING) And what-
VELMA: I'm thinking, ya know, shit, as soon as I open my mouth she's gonna know. So I keep my lips shut tight and I smile and nod and she just starts asking questions. "What brings you here, Miss Taylor?"
ROXIE: "How come you're so old, Miss Taylor?"
VELMA: "What's Montgomery-" Hey, watch it! "What's Montgomery Clift like?"
ROXIE: "Have you seen my glasses? I'm completely blind without them." This is, I don't know which is harder to believe, that she, that you thought she was asking for your autograph or that she thought you was a movie star.
VELMA: What can I say, I was wearing a veil, she approached me from behind-
ROXIE: Oh, sure, sure, from behind-
VELMA: So anyway I get through it, I'm nodding, I'm smiling and then she takes her paper back and she looks so happy and thanks me from the bottom of her heart and she says "Gosh Miss Taylor, I'll never forget this moment." And I don't know what came over me but, you know, I guess I thought I could do it, I always been good at voices-
ROXIE: You didn't-
VELMA: Yeah, I open my big mouth and say "Oi bid thee farewell, dahling"
ROXIE: (LAUGHING) "Oh dahling"
VELMA: She was so... disappointed.
ROXIE: "No, dahling, don't depaht in such 'aste! We 'ad som'in special!"
VELMA: She kept the paper. I think she was in shock.
ROXIE: "Stop walkin' away! I got an arse like Lizzie Taylor's over 'ere"
VELMA: (LAUGHING) So should we?
ROXIE: We shall. (BEAT) You're listening to the one, the only-
VELMA: The one and only.
ROXIE: -the original killer dillers...
VELMA: Your favorite scintillating sinners,
ROXIE: She's Velma Kelly,
VELMA: She's Roxie Hart,
ROXIE: And this is He Had It Coming:
VELMA: The Podcast! If he deserved it,
ROXIE: And he did,
VELMA: We'll tell you about it. We've got murder,
ROXIE: Adultery,
VELMA: Corruption,
ROXIE: Adultery,
VELMA: And every other awful thing we hold near and dear to our hearts! If this is your first time listening, you might want to leave Miss Prim and Proper at the door. The men in these stories have been bad and the details aren't pretty. But you dolls need to know and if you're like us, you want to know. If you find yourself thinking "You can't talk about that," well, you don't have to listen.
ROXIE: Before we get started Velma and I just want to thank everyone who came out to our live show last week.
VELMA: Big Jim Colisimo's! A full house!
ROXIE: Honestly, we shoulda retired ages ago. If we'da known you dames just wanted to hear, you know, some old...
VELMA: A couple of...
ROXIE: You know, what we we are.
VELMA: Us!
ROXIE: Just talking about bad men and their creepy crimes we could have saved our knees. Who needs vaudeville?
VELMA: We never coulda sold out Big Jim's just dancing. But here's the thing. We may have had our moments of fame. But our stories are just two of the stories out there. What we've learned is that every one of you-
ROXIE: Every single one,
VELMA: You all got stories worth listening to. We stayed out with some of the Sin Sisters-
ROXIE: Don't forget, now! Sin Sister VIP tickets sell out quicker so buy 'em fast.
VELMA: Yeah, and we're comin' to New York in a coupla weeks so tell your friends. Anyway after the last show we stayed out and heard things that made us laugh, made us cry,
ROXIE: Made our blood run cold,
VELMA: We learn so much and we're just so grateful. Your letters, telegrams, and words of encouragement keep us going.
ROXIE: But we also wanted to thank one special woman, um, who was, uh-
VELMA: Mary? Marly?
ROXIE: Marnie! Thanks to Marnie for these beautiful old newspapers from back when we were hot, hot, hot! We had such a fun time going back through the headlines.
VELMA: "Crime of the Year"! "Kelly and Hart" We were so young,
ROXIE: So pretty.
VELMA: And how! That hair-
ROXIE: Those lips! Mm-
VELMA: You were to die for, honey.
ROXIE: Thank you. I was. (BEAT) We should, you know, get started, I think-
VELMA: What's the rush, Roxie? Our sisters just want to hear us talk. It's like we're sitting with them, next to their radios, giving the news.
ROXIE: Yeah, yeah, anyway, let's go. You first.
VELMA: Are you sure? I went first last time.
ROXIE: No I'm pretty sure, wait, uhh-
VELMA: Um, you had the triple homicide-
ROXIE: No, or wait, it was a double murder suicide-
VELMA: And I had the cult with the, you know,
ROXIE: Oh right, they ate-
VELMA: with the sex-
ROXIE & VELMA: (CROSSTALK) Yeah.
VELMA: So it's me first. Then here we go. Inspired by our new friend Margie I went back through the papers-
ROXIE: Who? Marnie?
VELMA: That's what I said.
ROXIE: Shit are you sure? Hold on a sec... Gloria?
VELMA: Gloria? Did I get the name right?
ROXIE: Gloriaaaaa...
GLORIA: (OFF) It was Marnie.
ROXIE: Knew it!
VELMA: Fuck all right, you can cut out that part of the tape right? Thanks honey. I'll start over. Inspired by our new friend Marnie I went back through the papers and dug up an old story. It's got everything you love hearing about, Roxie.
ROXIE: Oooh...
VELMA: This is the story of Evelyn Rossi, who the papers called "Lady Smokes".
ROXIE: Really?
VELMA: Yep. Now Evelyn was married to a low level, uh, guy in the organization of a mobster named Vincent Boo- Boochee - Buccieri. Boocherry's family was established gangsters.
ROXIE: Established?
VELMA: Yeah, people knew about 'em.
ROXIE: I can see, like, a plaque in front of his house. "Gangsters Established 1910".
VELMA: (LAUGHING) So Boocherry's family is defending their turf from a newcomer called Frankie Cardinelli.
ROXIE: Frankie, huh?
VELMA: Frankie. Now Frankie was known as "Trigger" on account of his quick fingers.
ROXIE: I bet he was.
VELMA: He had killed a couple of Boocherry's boys in as many weeks and there was a mark out on him. Wanted dead or alive, and then Vinnie owes you. Now Frankie's a good looking guy, I got a picture here, see.
ROXIE: (WHISTLES) Baby!
VELMA: And Evelyn's husband Al is the jealous type. So it was enough for her to say to him one night when he comes home, "Al, Frankie Cardinelli, he told me to-"
ROXIE: "Who's that, Slinky Frank? Big Frankie? Frankie the Lizard?"
VELMA: Sure, okay, she says "Al, Frankie 'Trigger' Cardinelli, he told me to-"
ROXIE: "Trigger? Trigger?? Why I oughta!"
VELMA: Yeah, sure, yeah, so, she says "He propositioned me and I didn't know what to say." So Al flips his lid and needs to know details, details. So she tells him where Frankie lives and when he comes and goes.
ROXIE: How does she?
VELMA: I mean, uh, that's what I read, she tells him-
ROXIE: So she knows where he lives? Isn't he in hiding?
VELMA: Well, hold on Red, hold on.
ROXIE: Sure, ok. You go on.
VELMA: Well, Al gets a few of his buddies from Butcha- from Vinnie's mob and they stake out Frankie's so-called apartment. They break in and wait inside... and here we get the downstairs neighbors. The neighbors in the apartment below Frankie's heard yelling and banging from upstairs. They go out into the hall to see what's wrong and they smell smoke.
ROXIE: Shit!
VELMA: And they run outside. The fourth story-- where Frankie's apartment is-- is blazing. They see a guy jump outta the window. The neighbor can't stop talking about it in this interview. He goes on and on, it sounds horrible. I mean you can-
ROXIE: Spare me the details, Velma
VELMA: -imagine, I mean he talks about how it sounded-
ROXIE: I don't wanna, yuck.
VELMA: Well anyway, all the boys in the apartment, including Al, burn to death inside. No survivors. (BEAT) I got another picture. Taken just outside the apartment after the fire. See that woman smoking and looking up at the building?
ROXIE: No fuckin' way.
VELMA: Yeah that's Evelyn. "Lady Smokes". Once they identified her husband's body the police wanted to know why she was at the scene. See, turns out it wasn't even Frankie's place. The guy who owns the apartment is no connection to anybody. Evelyn's the only link they got.
ROXIE: Uh-huh. Lady watches her husband burn up and smokes a cigarette. I'll bet he had it coming. (BEAT) Well, did he?
VELMA: You tell me, Roxie. So they got Evelyn down at the station and they're asking her all the questions, ya know, interrogating her, looking for the angle. "Did you know he gambled?" "Oh yeah, sure". "Did you know he drank?" "I drink too" "What about girls? He step out on you?" She gets defensive, says "Yeah, so what?" See, Al was a player. He had more mistresses than you could count. And the cops start laying 'em out, all the ones they heard about from their rats. She keeps her cool until finally someone throws last week's newspaper across the table at her. "Gangland's Al Capelli Seen at Chez Vito with Cute Redheaded Chorine".
ROXIE: Oh, shit.
VELMA: And Evelyn just loses it. "Bastard! Bloody bastard! Piece of shit-"
ROXIE: Fuck.
VELMA: When her friends saw it in the papers she couldn't take it anymore. Like she said, so what that he had mistresses? But she couldn't stand the public humiliation. In black and white for everyone to see.
ROXIE: Fuck me. Fuck.
VELMA: So I gotta say, Al had it coming for sure. And the cherry on top, so to speak, is they ask him about his side piece in the paper. He says "This little lady's a dancer. The next star!"
ROXIE: Velma, fuck, I-
VELMA: No, no, this is the best part. She jumps in with "You bet! My dancing's so hot I'll burn this place to the ground." So that's where Evelyn got the idea. (BEAT) Roxie, you okay?
ROXIE: I... I didn't know. Her name in the paper was Rossi so I...
VELMA: Yeah she stopped going by Capelli during the trial. Whaddya mean you didn't know?
ROXIE: Velma, you remember how I was back then?
VELMA: 'Course I do. A good for nothin', desperate, horny, stupid, no count, alcoholic, wanna-be dancer from- (BEAT) Holy shit!
ROXIE: A wanna-be dancer who got her guy killed!
VELMA: Shiiiiit.
ROXIE: I mean he was ugly as Hades but I dunno if he deserved...
VELMA: Seriously, Roxie? That's you in the paper?
ROXIE: That's me, Velma. My first taste of the spotlight. I kept the paper under my pillow.
VELMA: So you and Al were-
ROXIE: Not for long. There was another girl he liked too, and I didn't think much when he stopped callin'. I got what I wanted. And look what it got him...
VELMA: (BEAT) Alright, let's get a commercial going. Gloria? Hey, Roxie...
ADVERTISEMENT. ORCHESTRA PLAYS HAUNTING REFRAIN.
TODD: Attend the tale... It's the Sweeney ToddCast, Live! I'm taking the show on the road. Next up, the dark alleyways of Chicago, but patience, patience, if you're somewhere else I'll be there soon enough. Now, this may be your only chance to meet me and my friends so buy now. Thanks to the WSCP podcast network and our local sponsors, all buyers will receive two meat pies at the door, and VIP ticket holders will get an on-site shave. The end of our time together on this god-forsaken sunken pit we call Earth draws near... and I'll tell you why, dear listener, tell you why: the work waits. Sweeney, out.
STEAM WHISTLE. ADVERTISEMENT ENDS.
ROXIE: Ok, Velma, ok, but you gotta listen. Gloria can cut this out later. But you need to hear. Um. My therapist, my therapist tells me when I'm hurt by people that I, when my friends are, well I gotta be clear and tell them what I, you know, need. I need you to apologize.
VELMA: You need me to apologize for doing a story about you? I'm guess I'm sorry I didn't assume every slutty redhead in the papers was my old pal Roxie.
ROXIE: That ain't it, Velma.
VELMA: Whaddya want me to say. It's not like I never made no mistakes, never slept with anybody's husband... Hell, neither of us is strangers to getting men killed neither.
ROXIE: No, that stuff you said about me, it felt, um, it felt like you meant it?
VELMA: Yeah, well, you was a real piece of shit.
ROXIE: Fuck you.
VELMA: I said you was. I was too. Now you're, well, you're good, ain't you? You're great, ain't you? You got your name on the sign outside Big Jim Colisimo's. It's grand, ain't it? It's not just your name out there, but your voice. People are listening to you. Roxie? They're listening. Isn't that swell? And I'm listening too. If anyone else out there tries to call my best friend a desperate nobody I'll make 'em wish they wasn't ever born. And if I'd known you was so sensitive I'd never of done it neither.
ROXIE: (BEAT) Thank you. Velma? You're my best friend, too. We, uh, can cut all this.
VELMA: Leave it in, Gloria. Can I finish my story?
ROXIE: Yeah, right, so, Evelyn?
VELMA: Evelyn Rossi looked awful suspicious after the interrogation, and they found fuel in her home and on the clothes she was wearing. The police suspected arson and another neighbor saw her entering the building earlier that day. Open and shut case.
ROXIE: I remember her name from the papers, yeah. She had a couple hot weeks between Lucy Sixshooter and Long Meg. They didn't kill her, obviously, that was before-
VELMA: Yeah, before the Hunyak. The jury liked her too much to kill her, so they locked her up for life. That's the story of "Lady Smokes". And whaddya got for me?
ROXIE: So I'm doing the Backyards Berserker. This was over a couple years and he got caught just after our act started. I know you know the area, Velma, but for our listeners, the Back of the Yards is where all the meat in Chicago gets processed. Shipped, chopped, and packaged up neat. Named for being near the old stockyards. Lotta immigrants in the area, Poles, Slavs, Bohemians. Made famous because of The Jungle Book.
VELMA: The Jungle Book?
ROXIE: Yeah.
VELMA: The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling?
ROXIE: I dunno, I guess?
VELMA: With tigers and shit?
ROXIE: What? No. It's, like, about food safety.
VELMA: You mean The Jungle. By Upton Sinclair.
ROXIE: Ain't that what I said? The Jungle book. So the first killing was actually in Canaryville, at a grocers. An interview with the policeman on the scene, Ee-oyn O'Toole, said there was just blood, blood everywhere-
VELMA: (snorts) Ee-oyn? That's not a name. Let me see that. Eoin O'Toole. Eoin.
ROXIE: Fuck off, Velma, I know how to spell Owen. That ain't it.
VELMA: You never heard of a man called Ee-oyn either. Cross my heart, Red.
ROXIE: Anyway this cop, uh, Mister O'Toole can't stop talking about the blood. It's, like, grisly. The grocer is one Joseph Marszinko and his wife Helene is killed too. The cop learns Joseph's brother Andrew found the bodies the same night they died. May 22nd. I'll spare you the details but they'd been killed by an axe.
VELMA: No kidding.
ROXIE: Yeah, this guy's a real monster. At first Andrew is the, uh, number one suspect because he had changed out of his bloody clothes before going to the police. They were just bloody because he found the bodies though. And like, they know it wasn't him because they found the murder weapon a few blocks away and there wasn't no other evidence that could connect him. But it didn't really matter because the Berserker struck again.
VELMA: Sure, I remember the headlines. "Born in blood". "Daughter of Ax-man"
ROXIE: The next victim was Marija Rudkus, attacked on June 14th in the Backyards. She was twenty eight years old and eight months pregnant, and woke to find a dark figure standing over her.
VELMA: Eeeeh! That's my, that's why I have a second lock.
ROXIE: Before she could get a good look she was hit in the face repeatedly.
VELMA: And a knife under the mattress. Christ!
ROXIE: Luckily, her neighbors heard her yowling. They found her with her head cut open and her face covered in blood and the attacker nowhere to be found. So, Marija remembered nothing about the attack but gave birth to a healthy baby girl two days later. The papers picked up the story and the police started to make the connection with the first attack. But not before he struck again...
VELMA: Here we go.
ROXIE: The third victim was an old guy named Bo, Bowlis, Boldiszar Mess, Meszaros. Like ninety years old. His two nieces heard a loud commotion coming from his bedroom, and found their uncle bleeding from his head. They got him to the hospital and he lived for two more days and was able to provide a description of the man. Five and a half feet tall, balding, with big hairy arms and dead eyes.
VELMA: Sounds like your type to be honest.
ROXIE: Very funny. After this the papers go wild. The name Backyards Berserker is the one that sticks. The whole neighborhood is on edge waiting for the next attack. And when it comes, it's the worst one yet. A whole family, wife, husband, three kids are all found chopped up dead in their beds.
VELMA: Sick fuck.
ROXIE: And so, yeah, yeah, it's sick, and so a real panic starts. But at the same time a man is brought into the police station with his arm bandaged up and a fever. He's muttering to himself stuff that sounds crazy and doesn't want anyone to look at his arm. But when they finally get a closer look they realize he's got a set of fresh tattoos, five names. You remember?
VELMA: No I never heard this part.
ROXIE: Oh, yeah, that wasn't in the paper til later. Didn't want people to panic or something. So they find out he's been getting ink of his victims names. But the new ones went bad, an infection. And the names are sometimes full names and sometimes initials... and not just the Backyards killings neither. The names connect him to multiple murders in East Pilsen, and there are still some victims unidentified to this day.
VELMA: I remember some of the girls trying to argue they was innocent on account of the Berserker. "I'm from Canaryville, you know! I'm from East Pilsen, you know!" Finger a madman to take the heat off of you knifing your boyfriend. Decent trick but I never saw it work.
ROXIE: So the police start putting the pieces together. He's Thomas Acton from Pilsen and he's been going further and further into the city on his late night sprees. They can't connect him to every name on his arm but the jury has enough to give him the death penalty. He's hanged until dead and good riddance.
VELMA: If ever a fella deserved it... No reason for all those people to die. No grounds. No art! And what a moron, keeping a list of names like that.
ROXIE: I got a picture here of his arm, wanna see?
VELMA: Sure, yeesh. There's the, the five names and J.Mar. and H.Mar., that was Canaryville and then these are older.
ROXIE: Yeah, see, and they never knew who J.Hor. or A.M. or P.Lo. was. Those ones here.
VELMA: I'm getting chills just thinkin' about it. What are those first names?
ROXIE: Those are all the East Pilsen murders. Here's a map of the city with the locations marked. See? You can see how his hunting ground spread out.
VELMA: But there's a gap. What about Bridgeport. They wasn't good enough for him or something?
ROXIE: It's a mystery, Velma. Here, so let me read you the full description of this creep. Bolzar, Boldzar Messyros, fuck. Fuckin' Hungarian names. Boldiszar Mesz-
VELMA: Fuck, Roxie. Roxie. Hold up. Hungarian names? What was Katalin's husband's name again?
ROXIE: Who?
VELMA: The Hunyak! She axed her husband, right, and what was his name?
ROXIE: Um, uh, Jonas. Jonas Horvath.
VELMA: You sure?
ROXIE: Pretty sure?
VELMA: No shit. Jonas Horvath. J. Hor. Right? Tell me I'm not on to something here.
ROXIE: Oh. Oh! And she was, I think, from Bridgeport. Right?
VELMA: Right! Lord Almighty you think it's true? I mean if it's...
ROXIE: She always said... she always said she was...
ROXIE & VELMA: "Not guilty"
ROXIE: (BEAT) We just solved a goddamned murder, Velma.
VELMA: Fuck. Fuck! She actually- I mean everybody says they are, but- She was innocent! How do you expect-
ROXIE: There's no ransom is there?
VELMA: What?
ROXIE: Not ransom, you know. Reward. Some kinda reward? Couple of gumshoe sleuths right here.
VELMA: Nobody's paying you, Roxie. The killer's dead anyhow. But it ain't right that she died for...
ROXIE: First woman hanged in Chicago. And fucking innocent!
VELMA: We gotta tell someone. Try to clear her, you know, get her name cleared. Exoneration.
ROXIE: That's right, exoneration. Post, postum, pos, uh, after she died.
VELMA: That's exactly right.
ROXIE: Fucking yes!
VELMA: Fucking hell, Katalin. Christ.
ROXIE: This has been... You know we'd better-- We're recording, right, Gloria? (LAUGHING) What a, let's, let's wind down already.
VELMA: I'm looking forward to a stiff drink after this. Sorry.
ROXIE: You know I would if I could stop at one. Have another for my sober ass.
VELMA: And then what do we do? Just pick up again next week? How do go back-
ROXIE: I dunno Velma, I think we got something here. I think we could start a new podcast. Cold Cases, Hot Dames. Something like that?
VELMA: Sure, sure, a new podcast, right.
ROXIE: No, I'm serious. We gotta think ahead, start expanding our horizons. No rest until you're a fuckin' media tycoon, Velma. A regular mogul!
VELMA: Yeah, yeah. Ok so I'm gonna go get drunk, and you?
ROXIE: As soon as I get home, I'm starting the bath. I'm thinking, like, bubbles.
VELMA: Sounds lovely, Red. And as for you, listeners, you find a way to take care of yourselves, too. If you've made it this far, don't forget to send us your subscription info by telegram.
ROXIE: And leave us a review in the local paper! That's the best way for our voices to reach new people.
VELMA: Until next week... I'm Velma Kelly.
ROXIE: And I'm Roxie Hart.
OUTRO PLAYS. "THE DIRTY BUM... BUM... BUM!"