Chapter Text
Hi, my name is Josh and what I'm about to tell you today will either break your heart or warm your cold dark one. I'm going to tell you the story of how I met a kid by the name of Ash. This tale starts way back when I was just 16 and at the time Ash was 14.
“Hey ,Josh!” I turned to see my best friend ,Mandy, running up to me, flyers in her hands.
“What’s up, Mandy?” I asked, curiosity lacing every word.
“The sky is up! But in all seriousness, you should check this out!” Mandy jabbered wildly as she threw one of the brightly colored papers into my face.
“What is it?” I questioned as I took the paper out of Mandy’s hand and looked at the large bold letters up at the top.
“What do you think it is!? It clearly says it’s ‘Little Canis, Big Alpha’!” Mandy chattered loudly about wanting me to join the program with her but I was more focused on reading the rest of the flyer.
Little Canis, Big Alpha
Hosted by Catherine Calls
Program starts October 5th 2013.
Starfalls boulevard, building 1221, room 6
Come support children who need a strong role model in their life by becoming a new member of our Little Canis, Big Alpha family!
You can register to join us opening day and any time after!
Come follow in our paw steps!
I frowned as I folded the paper neatly and placed it in my jeans pocket.
“I don't know, Mandy, it just doesn't sound like something I'd be all too interested in doing…” I trailed off as I watched her smile fade away into a sad pout.
“Oh, come on Josh, you never wanna do anything fun! Why can't you do this, just this once? For me?” She pleaded softly.
“Mandy, I just don't know, I really don't think I'd be into something like this and I really don't wanna disappoint some little kid when I stop showing up.” I went on and on giving reason after reason on how it really wasn't a good idea for me to be in the program, but Mandy was persistent even though she already knew I had made up my mind she still clung to that thread of a chance that I might go and sign up with her.
Seven months have past since Mandy signed up for Little Canis, Big Alpha and I've been spending more and more time with her and her Little Canis who goes by Kathy. It almost seems like she's bringing us closer in a way. I was pulled from my thoughts when my phone started to ring loudly, it's probably just Mandy calling to see if I want to join her at the Little Canis, Big Alpha meeting this weekend, or go to the park, or possibly to meet up with her and Kathy somewhere else, I took out my phone not bothering to check the caller ID. After I answered I realized I probably should've checked the ID because it was Mandy’s mother sobbing on the other end saying jumbled sentences like, “my baby girl”, “she's gone”, and “I never got to say goodbye.” I asked her to calm herself and to slow down and then she got one clear sentence out before breaking down into a sobbing, crying, mess and that sentence was: “Mandy's gone, she was in an accident… they got there too late.” I could practically feel my heart drop and my stomach twist into knots.
What was that supposed to mean? I felt my knees get weak and my phone started to slip through my fingers, only for my legs to give way and to hit the ground, it felt as if my whole world had been shattered like a glass cup thrown to the ground. I stared at the broken phone in front of me, screen shattered and back casing broken into thin shards, battery no longer in direct sight. I was there in the moment, but not there at all, it felt as if my head had been pushed under water, and there was no way of getting back up to the surface to breathe. I watched in complete horror as the world around me faded into an inky, dark, blackness to which I would hopefully never return.
I woke up later that day to a throbbing headache, and I was no longer in my school’s parking lot. Instead I was laying in a bright white room that was so clean that I could practically smell the burning bleach and other sterilizers that had been used to clean the room. The scent was so strong that I nearly broke out into a coughing fit. After a few minutes of adjusting myself to my new surroundings that I had deemed to be a hospital room, a young lady in a bright white lab coat walked into the room followed by an even younger gentleman, whom was most likely her assistant or trainee.
“Hello, my name is Nancy and this here is Daniel, he’s my trainee and will be helping me take care of you today.” the lady, Nancy, said a little too cheerily for my liking. How could anyone be so happy when the person who invented joy and happiness was gone? Dead?
“Would you be so kind as to answer a few questions for us, please?” Nancy continued at a softer tone once she noticed the dark and cold expression on my face.
“Sure, ask away.” I responded a little dryly, suddenly very interested in the IV standing beside the bed. When had I become so dark? This isn’t like me at all.
“Well, let’s start from the beginning, what’s your name?” Nancy asked softly as she pulled up a swivel chair to the bedside. I watched in silence as Daniel pulled up a visitor’s chair.
“My name’s Josh…” I finally responded after a lapse of awkward silence. Nancy scribbled something down on her clipboard.
“Do you have a last name?” She asked politely. I took a deep breath.
“Cobalt… Josh Cobalt.” I responded sourly as my eyes trailed along the IV that was stuck in my arm, I was suddenly painfully aware of how unnatural it felt. Nancy looked back up at me after writing something down.
“Your age and date of birth?” She continued.
“Sixteen. My Birthday is October nineteenth two-thousand one.” I responded quietly as I looked down at my hands.
“Okay now enough of those tedious questions!” Nancy chirruped.
“On to the good stuff, you wanna tell us why you were passed out in a school parking lot?” She finished. That’s when I couldn’t hold back the pain of losing Mandy. The tears started to fall, they were slow at first, just swelling in my eyes and then they started to turn to swift rivers running down my cheeks. After a while I finally found my voice.
“Why do the worst things happen to the best people?” My voice was shaky and raw. Nancy sighed and got up from her place at my bedside and grabbed a box of tissues from across the room.
“Here,” She said as she handed me the tissues.
“Now blow your nose, and elaborate please…” She finished and sat down. After that I managed to calm myself enough to tell them about Mandy’s mother calling me to tell me the news and that I had apparently passed out from the shock of it all, considering Mandy was the last person I could see getting in any sort of accident, let alone dying.
Two weeks had passed since my hospital incident and I had yet to leave my room for anything. Not to get food, not to go to school, not to see my mother or father, not to go meet my other friends. I just didn’t feel like seeing anyone anymore. In fact I have even started to convince myself that Mandy’s death is my fault, because if I had just been with her that day then none of this would have ever happened. Mandy would still be here because I would’ve taken the bullet. I wouldn’t have let them kill her, but I wasn’t there. So I couldn’t have helped her. I sauntered into my bathroom and opened one of the drawers and sifted through the contents of it until I came across a large razor blade, I smiled as I pulled it out of the drawer. If Mandy could see me now… She would definitely start chewing me another one. I carefully chose an undisturbed area of my wrist and started to cut. One, two, three, four long gashes into my arm. The new gashes burned as blood pooled in the cuts until the irony liquid drizzled down my arm. Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten my arm was now covered in my own blood.
“Josh?” I heard my mother call me from down stairs. I panicked and threw the bloodied razor blade in the drawer and slammed it shut as I turned on the water and began to rinse off the blood from my arm, but I wasn’t fast enough.
“Josh?” My mother called as she pushed the door open,
“I want to take you out to- oh my god, Josh!” My mother saw my gnarled, scarred, cut up wrists. She suddenly pulled my arm towards her and examined the wounds.
“Why? Josh, why would you do this?” My mother asked me in a voice that almost sounded scared. I didn’t respond I just hung my head down low, but that was response enough for Mother. She silently cleaned the cuts on my arm and wrapped them up.
“Go get dressed… we’re going out to eat today.” Mother said quietly, I only nodded in agreement as I left the room. What did I just do? Why did I let her find out? How could I let her find out? The entire ride up to the restaurant was silent, and sometimes silence is deadly. It’s your fault. She hates you now, you know? She’ll only leave you too in the end. How are you supposed to fight someone when the person you’re fighting is yourself?
“We’re here, Josh.” Mother said with a small smile as she parked the car in front of a restaurant that I didn’t care enough to get the name of, I just wanted to go home and sleep. We got out and swiftly made our way to the entrance. The entire dinner was slow and sluggishly drawn out. Everything was peacefully quiet up until Mother broke the silence with the one question I didn’t want to hear,
“Why did you do it, Josh?” I scowled down at the partially eaten plate of food in front of me. I silently shook my head and closed my eyes as a lump formed in my throat. I fought the urge to cry as I thought of all of the reasons I had for doing what I did and it all boiled down to the fact that I felt that Mandy’s death was my fault.
“Josh?” Mom questioned further.
“I should’ve been there, none of this would’ve happened if I would’ve been there with her.” I mumbled quietly in a voice so barely audible that I slightly questioned if she had even heard me. I stood up and left almost as suddenly as I had responded to her question. That night when we had gotten back home Mom had made it very clear that if she were to find one more cut on my wrist that she would haul me into a counselor's office and I would continue to go until I never cut my wrist like a piece of paper again, to this I didn’t respond other than a silent nod as I shuffled to my room. I turned around to face my room as I closed the door, the dark dreary room reflecting my empty, hollow emotions. That’s when I saw it a crinkled, crumpled up piece of pink cotton candy colored paper sitting on my empty desk. I shuffled over to it only to find that it was the flyer that Mandy had shoved at me the day before she joined the program.
Little Canis, Big Alpha
Hosted by Catherine Calls
Program starts October 5th 2013.
Starfalls boulevard, building 1221, room 6
Come support children who need a strong role model in their life by becoming a new member of our Little Canis, Big Alpha family!
You can register to join us opening day and any time after!
Come follow in our paw steps!
That’s when it hit me, I can make it up to Mandy! I can do this for her! Do the one thing that I should’ve done in the first place, for her! I am going to join Little Canis, Big Alpha.
I woke up to the loud ringing of my phone, oh yeah I set the alarm last night. I groaned as I sat up slowly. I braced myself as I turned to my bright phone to turn off the blaring noise from the alarm. Once the alarm was off I looked at the time, 6:30. I sighed as I sat up, another day. I slowly stood up and shuffled into my bathroom, I leaned against the sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror.
“I look like shit… heh.” I chuckled to myself as I splashed water on my face and combed the tables out of my hair. I looked at my reflection again.
“Why do I even try, I’m so pathetic it hurts.” I grumbled as I reached for the drawer.
“Why do I try so hard only to know that she would be so disappointed in me anyway…” I reached into the drawer and grabbed my still bloodied blade, I carefully held it under the running water of the faucet.
“I’m sorry Mama, I’m just not strong enough…” I whispered quietly as I took the now clean blade and dug it into the soft plush skin of my wrist and slowly traveled the dark red line across my skin. Not once, not twice, but three times soon turned to six.
“I’m sorry Mandy, I’m just not good enough…” those six cuts turned to twelve. I sighed as blood pooled on my bare arm and dribbled off into the sink only to be washed down the drain with the rushing water of the faucet. I carefully cleaned the blade and set it back in its place inside my drawer. Then I proceeded to clean the cuts of the blood, I slowly and carefully dried my wrist with a towel making sure that the spots that were still bleeding clotted before I proceeded to pull a roll of gauze out of my medicine cabinet to wrap my wrist back up. I quickly got dressed throwing on a pair of ripped, black jeans and a loose, long sleeve, black shirt. I threw on my thin black jacket and then proceeded to pull on my shoes and slip my phone and wallet into my pockets. The last thing I did before leaving was grabbing the cotton candy pink paper with Little Canis, Big Alpha’s information on it. I hope they let me in…
I stopped in front of building 1221 and pulled out my paper containing the information. Room… six…
“God I hope this is worth it…” I mumbled as I walked along the corridors One… two… three… four… five… and there it is room number six! I gently pushed the door open. Once inside I saw tons of children running around with happy looking teens and young adults, some were even playing puzzle games and doing arts and crafts with elderly people. It hurt to see, knowing that Mandy was one of those teens that would’ve been running around with Kathy. It… it just hurt me to see. I quickly busied myself with the task of finding the manager of the meeting. It didn’t take me very long because they found me.
“Hi, hello! You’re new here! Are you looking to sign up for Little Canis, Big Alpha? Or are you lost?” An overly happy looking Blue Jay of a woman asked wildly.
“Um… I’m here to sign up…” I mumbled nervously looking around at the noisy room full of people. I could practically feel the fear creeping up along my spine. This was a bad idea…
“Okay! Well if you’d step outside for a minute I’ll go get your paperwork to sign up and then we can go over who we can pair you with!” The woman chirruped and bounded off into the sea of people. I sighed thankful that I get to leave the overly loud and crowded room. I wasn’t even sitting outside for even two seconds when the energetic Blue Jay came running up the hallway.
“Kay Kay I got the papers, so I just need you to fill this out really quick and I’ll be waiting right over there” the lady pointed to another set of stairs a couple doors down. She handed me the paper and skipped off. I looked at the clipboard and picked up the pen.
1st name last name middle initial.
Okay that’s easy. Josh Cobalt w.
2) age and date of birth.
Easy enough. 15. October 19, 2001.
3) Allergies?
There’s a checklist, I check none of the above and go to move on to the next question.
4) emergency contact information.
Simple enough I scrawl out my phone number, home phone, and email. Then I move onto the next part of the sheet. It’s a mental health questionnaire. Oh boy.
5) over the last 2 weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems?
little interest or pleasure in doing things
Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much
Feeling tired or having little energy
Poor appetite or overeating
Feeling self doubt
Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television
Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite— being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual
I mostly checked the “nearly everyday” boxes.
I feel horrible now, it’s right there on the paper… there’s something wrong with me.
6) anything that you would deem important to take into account while we choose your little/big?
Oh here we go something “simple” now I just gotta spell it out for these dumbasses. I begin to write on the lines provided.
I felt so anxious after I finished writing, I just wanted to go home and forget about this whole thing, it’s not like being here is going to do me any good. Why am I even here… oh yeah I’m- I’m doing this for Mandy. I have to do this for Mandy, I have to try… for her. I stood up and handed the paper back to Mrs.PerkyTits.
“Oh, good you’re done, now let me go take this back and choose a little for you and I’ll contact you when we get a hold of your new little and well set up an appointment for the two of you to meet.” She smiled a sickeningly sweet smile and skipped away.
“Good god help me…” I mumbled under my breath and turned to head home.