Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Let's stay friends forever." That's the promise Donghyuck and Mark made to each other a long, long time ago.

The two have been best friends since before either of them can remember. They grew up in houses across the street from each other, constantly hanging out, and all Donghyuck knows is that by the time they were in middle school, they were near inseparable.

Donghyuck honestly doesn't get it. Mark is a total nerd, nose-deep in books, his uniform always absolutely pristine, never breaking a single rule in his life, while he's the exact opposite, to his parents' dismay. They bicker about it a lot. Mark keeps telling him how irresponsible he's being, and Donghyuck fires back about how boring he thinks he is, but at the end of the day, neither of them mean it. They're best friends, bros, the peanut butter to each other's jelly, with their own special handshake and everything.

Things are going well.

At fifteen, it all starts going to hell.

It's just another day at first. They finish up their work at school and race each other back home, with Donghyuck winning and teasing Mark about it, as usual.

"Not fair, you had a head start," Mark says, attempting to catch his breath. Donghyuck's no better, but he can't help feeling at least a little smug. Yeah, he took off first, but that's just his thing.

"Quit whining. So that makes four months in a row?" Donghyuck remarks, still wearing a smirk on his face. Mark throws him an angry look, but he's about as intimidating as a sad puppy.

"Whatever. I'm going home to do homework," Mark says, standing up straight and adjusting his book bag.

It's moments like these when Donghyuck wonders why they're friends. He's so proper. If things weren't the way they are, he would have just disliked Mark for being an annoyingly perfect teacher's pet. But he pushes the thought out of his mind with a practiced ease. At the end of the day, while he wouldn't admit it, he cares about him.

Mark's crossing the street to his own house, but as soon as he's on the other side, he looks back to Donghyuck, raising his eyebrows.

That's when he hears a voice in his mind say, "You're gonna stay there?"

Donghyuck snaps back, alarmed.

That wasn't his voice. That...

That was Mark.

Loud and clear, as if he was standing right next to him.

But when he looks up again, he's still across the street, his face confused.

"Hyuck?"

That sounded as it should. So...

...what in the hell?

Mark's face takes on an edge of worry, so Donghyuck shakes his head a bit to clear up his thoughts.

"I'm fine," he lies.

Mark's sitting at his desk, quietly scribbling away. Donghyuck took over Mark's bed as he usually does because it's soft, and he'd decided a long time ago that if he's doing something as unpleasant as his homework, might as well be comfy while doing it. Except this time he can't even force himself to focus on it. He's still shaken up.

Your mind's playing tricks on you, he reminds himself for the hundredth time, returning to staring at the words in his textbook. You just know Mark too well.

But it doesn't work. After a bit, he just gives up, deciding he'll do it later that night when he returns home.

"I'm bored. Wanna watch a movie?" Donghyuck says.

Mark looks up from his papers, a suspicious look in his eyes. "You're already finished?"

He's sure that Mark knows he isn't, so he settles on his fool-proof tactic of tipping his head to the side and giving his best puppy eyes. "Please? We already barely hang out because of your stupid extracurriculars, you're gonna continue being a nerd?"

Mark looks at him for a few seconds, before sighing and putting down his pen. Even Mark 'I love school and will never in my life do anything to disappoint anyone (except Donghyuck)' Lee can't resist that kind of persuasion.

Donghyuck reaches for the remote while Mark frees up some space for himself on the bed.

"How about Paranormal Activity?"

Mark groans, looking over at Donghyuck with a pout on his face. Donghyuck almost laughs, but then he hears Mark's voice again.

"You know I hate horror..."

Donghyuck's face goes blank. Mark didn't say anything, and yet...

He masks his confusion and the weird fear in his heart with a quick chuckle.

"Come on, that one's not even scary, stop being a baby," he says, pressing play.

As expected, Mark's absolutely terrified. Donghyuck would laugh and tease him about it, but he can't bring himself to. All he's thinking is how he could hear Mark's voice in his head. There's also the possibility that he might just be going insane, and he's willing to put money on the latter.

The fact that Mark is latching on to his shoulders isn't helping him at all.

He tries to wipe his mind clean and watch the movie instead, even though he's seen it a thousand times and found math equations more terrifying, but he's kind of panicking. This is not normal. One should not be able to hear someone else's thoughts. First, it's creepy. Second, it shouldn't be possible. Maybe he's been watching too much supernatural stuff lately.

At this point he's absolutely certain he's going nuts.

Another jump scare happens on-screen, which makes Mark yelp in terror and hug Donghyuck tighter.

Third, that actually feels kind of nice.

...

Wait.

Okay, nope. Nope, nope, nope. He did not just think that.

Mark is his best friend. As far as Donghyuck remembers, the best friend code clearly states you're not supposed to be thinking of stuff like that.

His mind is running about a mile a minute, and the only thought he can make out is the question of whether it'd be okay to drop dead here and now.

The rest of the movie is absolute agony for him. The fact that half of it is just people sleeping is in no way distracting him as he wishes it would. Mark's still holding on for dear life, and he's warm, and he would maybe be happy if it wasn't his best friend and if he hadn't read his thoughts, and at this point he'd rather shovel his own grave in hell-

After what feels like an eternity, the credits roll. Mark still won't let go. He doesn't know what sort of brain malfunction compels Donghyuck to make the mistake of looking down at him, but he does.

"Why did you make me watch that?" he hears Mark's voice ask.

Donghyuck feels the regret barreling down on him, and it makes him laugh. "'Cause you're a scaredy cat."

"Huh?"

Donghyuck freezes.

"Weird day today, isn't it?" He jumps up, yanking himself out of Mark's grasp. Mark looks at him as if he's mad. He probably is. "That was fun, but I gotta run home. See you tomorrow, okay?" He doesn't even look back as he grabs his bag and heads for the door.

"But-" Mark begins, but Donghyuck doesn't hear the rest as he slams the door shut.

He runs back to his own house, upstairs, barely sparing a greeting to his parents, and flops down on his bed.

Just then, his phone buzzes.

"You okay?" the message reads.

He quickly types out a reply. "Yeah, chores at home." He doubts Mark will believe it, but he can't make up anything else at the moment.

Wonder what I did to deserve this, Donghyuck thinks.

~~

It takes Donghyuck a few days to fully realize that what happened that day wasn't a dream. He then takes several more weeks to figure out the rest.

For starters, some thoughts are way easier to read than others. He noticed that pretty early on, and it may or may not have been because he wanted to get the correct answers for his assignment off of Mark, only to fail to get anything.

Similarly, some people are easier to read than others. He does best with people who are either very open and honest, or those he's known for years.

Most importantly, he's trying to tame his ability, so he doesn't accidentally read someone's thoughts. He made that mistake once, looking at some random classmate, and then he really, really wished he hadn't. God, the things some people think about-

All of this is why he's made Mark his unwilling test subject, because it's just so damn easy to read what he's thinking.

He knows it's weird, and a total invasion of privacy, so he tries not to pry too much. Just enough to test the waters and get the hang of it.

He'll admit that he's curious, though. Curious about what Mark might be thinking beyond surface level. Perhaps he might even be thinking about Donghyuck-

He forces his mind to go in a different direction. No way in hell is he letting himself open that can of worms. He thought about it once, that same Night of Discoveries when he felt something new and strange bubble up in his chest, and immediately shoved the idea to the back of his brain, because there is absolutely no way.

And yet, he keeps pondering over it.

Times are changing, so it's not that weird to be a guy and like your best friend who also happens to be a guy, right?

Right...?

Some part of his mind remains optimistic. Donghyuck kind of hates it. Mark is still his best friend. He shouldn't be thinking about stuff like this. He shouldn't be hoping for anything.

So he convinces himself to let it go.

At first, it's easy. Exam season is coming up, and his life becomes books and papers. It's boring as all hell, and a couple of weeks in all he wants is to hang out with someone, anyone, but everybody he knows is busy. The best he can get is a study session with Mark in a library, and with the librarian watching him like a hawk and the only noise made by Mark being the occasional turn of a page, it's doing nothing to entertain him.

It's during another one of these days when Donghyuck decided to mess around with his ability.

Mark's reading his book as if it's the only thing that exists in front of him. It's the perfect opportunity for Donghyuck to perform his usual routine of mind reading shenanigans.

He concentrates on Mark, willing the thoughts out of him, and starts hearing bits and pieces of what he's thinking. To his dismay, all of it's the stuff he's reading about and nothing else. Geometry or whatever. Goddamn you, school, sucking the fun out of everything.

Donghyuck groans in frustration, earning him a glare of barely controlled rage from the librarian. He rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to his desk. It takes him about three seconds to realize Mark is looking at him, the tiniest hint of an amused smirk adorning his face.

"Were you staring at me again?" he asks as quietly as he can.

"Yeah, so what?" Donghyuck rattles his brain for an excuse. "You have a crumb on your face." He doesn't. He inwardly cringes at his obvious lie and hopes that the embarrassment doesn't show.

Mark's smirk grows a little more confident, and Donghyuck feels something weird happen to his heart again.

"Sure, Hyuck."

He scratches the back of his head, laughing it off awkwardly. Immediately afterwards, he hears a word echo in his mind. "Cute."

The smile disappears from Donghyuck's face.

Okay. No. He didn't actually hear that. Not possible.

He glances over at Mark, and he's returned to studying as if nothing happened.

Somewhere deep in his brain, the idea of having maybe the tiniest of crushes on Mark reawakens. Somewhere deep in his chest, his heart stutters.

He quickly wills himself to calm the fuck down.

He's just imagining it. It's just his wishful thinking messing with him. Yup.

After that, things become decidedly not easy.

The adorable smile on Mark's lips whenever they spend time together only makes it all worse. Except for the fact that it makes him fall a little deeper into this black hole of weird feelings every single time and he's kind of starting to enjoy it.

Perhaps it'd be better if he saw that smile more, but what can Donghyuck do, the season's kind of a bitch and keeping the two too occupied to properly hang out.

Maybe that's for the best.

~~

It's Donghyuck's favorite kind of day. The beginning of summer, warm and sunny with a gentle breeze, the end of school so close he can almost taste it. It's the kind of day that makes people more optimistic and hopeful about their lives. Hearing the people in the park chattering away and the birds chirping, feeling the sun on his skin, he feels happy.

In fact, he's so relaxed, that when his phone rings, he almost doesn't want to check it. He's way too comfortable lying as he is. But the phone keeps on ringing, and eventually he decides to pick it up, slightly annoyed.

The discontent he feels is wiped away the second he hears Mark's voice on the other end of the line.

"Hi. Wanna meet up today?"

As if the answer wasn't obvious. He tries to not sound too excited when he says, "Yeah, sure. Hope you're cool with going to the park, 'cause that's where I'm at."

"Great. See you there."

The line goes dead immediately. That's when he starts to think something's not right. Mark never hangs up so curtly, let alone sounding so... Donghyuck can't really describe it, but defeated might be the right word.

He doesn't have much time to contemplate, though, because just a few minutes later, Mark appears, settling down on the grass next to Donghyuck.

There's only one possibility as to how Mark would get here so fast, so he raises a brow in question. "What the hell were you doing at school on a Saturday?"

A shadow briefly passes over Mark's face. "Had to check on something."

"Fair enough." For the first time in a while, Donghyuck doesn't actually believe him. He thinks about using his power to see what's actually going on, but pushes the idea out of his mind. It's not his place to pry, Mark will tell him all about it in about ten seconds, give or take, as he always does.

However, minutes pass, and Mark doesn't say a single thing, he just sits there, eyes unfocused. A tinge of worry grows within Donghyuck.

"Okay, what's wrong?" he finally asks.

Silence, followed by a quiet sigh.

"Mark." At that, their eyes meet.

"Remember those extracurriculars I had all year?"

"Yeah?"

"And the academy I told you about?"

Donghyuck's blood runs cold. Mark wouldn't, right? He likes the city, the people at their school. Donghyuck's just hoping he doesn't hear the worst.

"Well... I wrote the entrance exam a week ago. The results came in today. I got accepted."

They're both quiet for a moment. He should be happy for his best friend, but can't find it in himself to do so. "That means...?" he almost whispers, as if trying to prevent the inevitable.

"I'm leaving this city."

He hears the worst anyway.

Betrayal. It's the first thing Donghyuck feels, and he hates himself for that. You should be happy, Mark deserves that, he thinks, but can't follow through. They're best friends, have been best friends since before they could walk, before they could properly pronounce each other's name.

And now, on this beautiful summer day, a day that made Donghyuck come alive and hope that the two could hang out as they do, except this time he'd wrap his arm around his friend's shoulders and perhaps even tell him something about what he actually feels, Mark's throwing it all away.

"My mother's moving up to the academy with me, because she doesn't trust me to be able to take care of myself there. I don't get it." Mark goes on, in a chipper voice Donghyuck knows too well and likes hearing a little too much, but this time he doesn't want any of it. He looks down at the ground, ignoring the lump in his throat, his fingers fidgeting with a blade of grass.

"...Donghyuck?"

He doesn't look up, worried he'll end up crying or doing something equally stupid. Yet his voice is ice cold and steady when he finally speaks again. "I can't believe you'd do that."

"Huh?" Mark's confused for a second, but then a brief moment of panic shows on his features. "I-I'll... I'll still visit, Hyuck. And we still have each other's numbers. We can keep in touch, I promise." He places a reassuring hand on Donghyuck's shoulder.

Donghyuck feels the warmth, but the touch, surely meant to be reassuring, doesn't comfort him at all. A single word rings through his mind. Promise.

"Let's be friends forever."

When Donghyuck said it, he truly meant every part that it signified. He thought it meant staying together, being there for one another, and not letting it go for some damn elitist school.

He stands up, not even daring to make eye contact with Mark. "I'm going home."

He's only taken a few steps forward when he hears Mark's voice again. "See you on Monday, okay?"

He stops, looks back for a brief moment, and walks away.

~~

Graduation rolls by as expected. Diplomas, speeches, two hours of sitting in a hall and pretending to care. Donghyuck only takes note of it as the last day he'll see his best friend.

After the ceremony, he has no idea what compels him to actually give him a goodbye hug. Part of him wants him gone as soon as possible. But there's another part, a part he wishes he could resist, that doesn't want to let go.

"I'll miss you," Mark's voice says in his mind. It feels like he's getting stabbed.

When they part, all he says is, "Good luck out there."

Three years pass.

The first year, a lot of things in his life change: new classes, new friends. He meets Renjun, Jeno and Jaemin, and they're cool, but he doesn't know how long he'll be able to deal with all the goddamn tension between the latter two. Several months in, he's already planning either a blind date or murder along with Renjun.

A pang of jealousy hits him square in the chest. At least they have each other, he thinks.

Mark still texts occasionally. Once a week, at least. But he never ends up visiting. And, even when they find time to talk, it never lasts.

The second year, he starts to hate everything about this.

He hates seeing his friends happy together. He hates having the power to know all the bad things people think of him. He hates all the excuses Mark gives him for why he doesn't text as much anymore.

It all gets to him.

The second year is when he stops keeping in touch with Mark. He can't deal with it.

The third year, Donghyuck's drained.

On the bright side, if one could call it that, he's had time and nothing distracting him to get his shit together and actually start working harder, to not be a complete disappointment.

He then wonders if Mark would be proud.

There had been a day he told all of his troubles to Renjun. Sure, he knows the other can't stand him most of the time, but Renjun's still the one everyone turns to for words of comfort. What he hears is what he expected.

"I know it's hard, but you'll move on. It just takes time."

There are moments when he feels like he's actually getting over it, when he could take his phone, block Mark's number and start all over again with a new group of friends.

But there are other times when he's lying in bed, phone in hand, tempted to call him just to hear his voice again, hating the pain he feels.

It hurts. It really fucking hurts.

In the end, Donghyuck can't move on.

Another round of graduation ceremonies comes. More diplomas, more speeches, more pretending to care. Sure, he's somewhat happy; he ended up getting decent results in his exams and even getting into the college he wanted. His group of friends celebrates with probably the biggest party he's seen in his entire life. To be fair, it all ends up being pretty fun.

He just wishes he'd have his best friend to share it with.

The next day, he's at home, still kind of hung-over, when a letter arrives, addressed with his name, sent by none other than one named Mark Lee.

A surge of negative emotions passes through him. He's holding the letter, staring at his name written in Mark's neat handwriting, crumpling the edge slightly in his tightening grip.

After all he's done, Mark still had the fucking nerve to write to him.

His first thought is to get rid of it. Tear it up, burn it, throw it into the sea, he doesn't care. He doesn't want it.

He can't bring himself to destroy it, though. He doesn't open it, either.

He puts it away in a drawer for safekeeping, just in case he ever decides to read it.

~~

Donghyuck's first weeks at college go relatively well. In fact, he's kind of enjoying himself. Everything's just so much more casual and free, the people far more relaxed. Being in the Performing Arts major turned out to be way more fun than expected, and he's managed to make friends with a bunch of people there, from the seniors to the international kids and everyone in-between. He's certain that it'll come back to bite him one day when he's forced to choose between sleep, studying, or having a social life, but he'll cross that bridge when he gets there.

Not to mention the job he managed to get during summer at a coffee shop. The hours are a bit tough, with shifts at the crack of dawn or ones until near midnight, but he makes it work, though he doesn't have much of a choice. He needs that money to survive, after all. Besides, a little bonding experience with Renjun as his coworker never hurt anyone, right?

Well, except Donghyuck. Renjun got pretty frustrated with him the first couple of weeks because he kept chatting up every single customer, and his spiteful ass won't let it go, as if Renjun himself isn't flirting with a regular named Chenle every time he comes around and orders a caramel macchiato. Total hypocrite.

To be honest, things are going well. Everything's slowly falling into place.

It's just another Friday, and Donghyuck's sitting on a bench on campus grounds after lectures. It's getting colder outside, but he doesn't want to stay in his cramped dorm room or go to the crowded study hall. Today, he just feels like enjoying the cool autumn air and watch people.

It's a lot better to do it here than in high school. As a freshman, few people have much of an impression of him. Thus, he doesn't have to listen to people judging him for being ugly, irresponsible, depressed, or whatever else they come up with.

There's a guy sitting under an oak tree, drawing in a notebook, occasionally looking up at a group of friends.

"He's so beautiful," the guy's voice, quiet and dreamy, says in his head.

Donghyuck chuckles. Good luck with that, dude, he thinks.

A little farther away, he spots two blond heads of hair: Jeno and Jaemin, looking disgustingly cute as usual. He's not even going to bother reading them; all he'll hear will be Jaemin thinking Jeno's the most lovable puppy he's ever met, too adorable for his own good, and Jeno just screaming in his mind in response.

Say what you will, but Donghyuck's not in the mood to hear it.

Then he sees two guys walk past him. One of them is a giant. He runs his hand through his fluffy black hair and smiles in a way that makes Donghyuck mentally take note of him. He can't lie, the guy's pretty damn attractive.

The other is a lot shorter, slighter, with sandy blond curls and round, thin-framed glasses. He's kind of cute, too, in a bit of an unsettling way. Must be a college thing for everyone to go through a glow up of some kind, almost like a rite of passage.

They're engrossed in a conversation, more like a debate, and Donghyuck thinks he'll just let them go and find someone else to read, however, he just can't shake the feeling that the guy in glasses is vaguely familiar.

Then it hits him like a ton of bricks, like the air's been punched out of his lungs.

Because he knows the guy. He knows him all too well.

It's Mark Lee. Right here. In front of him.

After being gone for three years, he has just... reappeared. Like nothing happened.

It's got to be an illusion. Last time he heard from Mark, he was having the absolute time of his life at that damn academy, succeeding at everything, liked by everyone. There hasn't been a single reason for him to return here, or at least that's what Donghyuck's been telling himself over the last couple of years.

He keeps staring, still unsure if what he's seeing is real. He's still hoping that he's just mistaken, that it's just his mind messing with him. All of that goes out the window when the guy turns his head and catches sight of Donghyuck.

He stops dead in his tracks, and turns fully towards Donghyuck. Now he sees his face properly, and it's Mark, no doubt about it. His cheekbones and jawline are a lot sharper than he remembers, and the glasses are a new addition, but it's still the same face he's known for years beyond count.

Donghyuck stands up absentmindedly, body tense as Mark considers him, a surprised look in his eyes.

"Donghyuck."

Mark's tone is warm, almost affectionate, just like the smile that blooms on his face. A wave of bitterness flows through Donghyuck. He's reminded of all the pain, the anger he felt during his high school years, and Mark still manages to smile about it.

Donghyuck really thought better of him.

"I didn't think I'd find you here. Thought I'd never see you again."

The words don't register in his mind. They don't matter anymore, anyway. He glances over to the tall guy, who's looking confused as all hell. Donghyuck feels that way, too.

"Sorry, I have to go," he mutters, and starts taking stiff steps away from the two. The emotions smolder within him, burning him up from the inside. Before he knows it, he's running, his mind spiraling out of control, the last discernible thought being the question of how he'll possibly make it through this.

~~

"Had a rough night?" Renjun asks.

Donghyuck is knocking back his third cup of coffee that day, nodding affirmatively. Bless having free drinks as an employee, and bless Saturdays for being relatively easy days, because he has no idea how he would have survived a weekday morning shift.

"Care to tell me?"

Not really, Donghyuck thinks. He'd gone to bed pretty much the moment he got home, but his sleep was restless as he kept remembering everything that happened in the last several years: the time he spent with Mark, the day he left, the letter he received after graduation sitting in a drawer at his parents' house. In the end all he managed to get was a couple of hours of sleep, a massive headache and a stinging pain in his heart.

"Fine, suit yourself. At the very least drink some water," Renjun says sharply, snatching the paper cup away. Donghyuck looks at him with discontent, but Renjun's not fazed at all.

The shop's wind chime rings as a customer walks in. Donghyuck almost gets excited for the distraction, but, of course, since the world seems to absolutely adore him, it's Mark, strolling in casually. There's a small glint of surprise in his eyes once he spots Donghyuck.

The idea to move far, far away and never come back here pops up in Donghyuck's mind once again.

"Hey!" he greets Donghyuck, leaning against the counter a bit. "You work here?"

"Yeah," he says dryly. There's a cutting remark sitting on the tip of his tongue, but he's got to stay somewhat professional.

Mark orders himself a latte, and Donghyuck punches it in. While he has the chance, and because it seems to be Donghyuck's thing to make stupid decisions, he checks out Mark for a second. He's in an oversized gray hoodie and black sweatpants, a far cry from the conscientious teacher's pet Donghyuck's used to seeing. He looks pretty good, though, relaxed and kind of adorable and cuddly in a way.

A moment later, after realizing exactly what he's thinking, Donghyuck feels like shooting himself.

"So what made you come back here?" he questions in an attempt to distract himself. "Couldn't you have gone to some elite university abroad?" It's a little more hostile than he intended, but he doesn't really care.

Mark doesn't seem to have heard his tone, either, as his demeanor doesn't change. "This place is pretty good, too. Besides, I kinda wanted to return for nostalgia. I love this city. It feels like home."

Donghyuck wants to ask, then why did you leave in the first place? The question almost leaves his lips, but he doesn't end up following through. Instead, he settles for a quick glare that can hopefully be interpreted as resentful.

"Fair enough," he says quietly.

"So... maybe you want to meet up some time and hang out like we used to?"

Donghyuck does a double take to make sure he actually heard what he thinks he did. He's staring at Mark, trying to figure out if he's actually serious, but his smile is unwavering, confident, almost mocking. It forces a small, twisted grin out of Donghyuck, too.

"Maybe. I'll message you if I find the time." He has no intention of ever doing it.

Thankfully, Renjun arrives to save the day, placing Mark's coffee on the counter. He takes it with a quick 'thanks,' settling at one of the tables and pulling out his laptop.

Donghyuck steps back, sighing, as he feels Renjun throw an arm around his shoulders.

"Yikes."

"I told you it was bad."

Renjun pulls back, throwing him a half questioning, half judgmental look. "You do realize I meant that more so for you than for him, right?"

Donghyuck's brows furrow in confusion.

"Huh?"

"Look, I don't know how you're seeing this whole thing right now, but he's acting really nice towards you, and it seems like you're kinda being a bitch for no reason."

"I have a reason, Jun," Donghyuck says defensively, looking away.

"Donghyuck." Renjun's voice is razor-sharp and low, enough to grab his attention instantly. "I know the whole thing hurt you." He pauses for a second, considering his next words, then continues. "I just think you shouldn't be so quick to blame him for everything."

Donghyuck shakes his head slightly. It's way too early for this. "What's that supposed to-"

The shop's chime rings again, and in walks a guy with fiery orange hair and designer coat. Chenle Zhong, fellow freshman and the object of envy for broke college students everywhere.

To be fair, that's a bit of a mean way of putting it, because he's actually a really nice guy, with an iconic, borderline annoying but still cute dolphin laugh, but Donghyuck can't really help it.

Renjun's face lights up. "Alright, we can chat about this another time. For now, I'll take this one." He pushes past Donghyuck to get to Chenle, and he rolls his eyes in response, preparing a portion of coffee grounds.

The two engage in their usual friendly chatter, Renjun only breaking it off for a quick order of "the usual, Hyuck", as expected.

Donghyuck hears a few words of their conversation as he makes the order, but it's nothing noteworthy. Mostly just Chenle being his usual friendly self, and Renjun being his unusual friendly self. If he's being honest, it's really weird to see Renjun being this soft.

It's not all that bad, though. At least he's happy, and that's what matters, right?

Once the coffee's done, he sets it in front of Chenle. "Thanks," he says, wrapping his fingers around the cup. He takes a sip and smiles fondly. "By the way, what do you guys say about a party, like... a few weeks from now? November, maybe?"

"I hope you're not planning something without me, Lele," Jaemin says, one hand propping himself up against the counter, the other in Jeno's, and- wait, when did they get here? Christ, Donghyuck's really got to focus. It's been a weird day, the last thing he needs is to be told off by Renjun yet again.

Chenle laughs in his dolphin-like way, which makes Donghyuck concerned for the other customers for a second. "It's supposed to be more of an upperclassman thing, but they asked me to host, so why not invite more people?"

Upperclassman parties. Donghyuck's been to exactly one, when he was a freshman in high school, before all the cool seniors graduated.

He made a bunch of friends, but it's all kind of blurry. Okay, it's all really blurry. The next morning he woke up feeling like months-old roadkill, wearing someone else's hoodie, and with small, red marks trailing along his neckline.

And that was a high school party. He can only imagine the stuff that takes place at college parties.

"Sounds like a great idea," Renjun says with a touch of sarcasm.

"It is, Renjun. Don't be a killjoy. Anyway, I'm in," Jaemin says, "and you're coming with me, babe." He hugs Jeno tightly, and while Jeno responds with a pointed look, he's clearly far from unhappy.

It's another one of those moments when Donghyuck feels kind of envious, wishing he could have someone so close. The fact that Mark's sitting just a few feet away is only pouring more salt into the wound, and all he wants is for it to stop hurting. For a second, he wonders why it does, but he shoots the thought down before it can become dangerous.

"Alright, alright. Hyuck, I'm dragging you too, and don't even try to get out of it." Renjun nudges Donghyuck with his elbow, knocking him out of the daze.

"Y-yeah, sure," he stammers out. To be fair, he's heard far worse ideas. Besides, perhaps a party is just what he needs to take his mind off of everything, question mark?

Because that idea has always gone well.

~~

Mondays suck. Calculus at 9am on Monday mornings sucks even more.

As a Performing Arts student, Donghyuck wonders why he even has to take that class, where he might possibly have to use integrals or functions or whatever the hell they drone on about. The professors call them 'electives' or some other intelligent-sounding Latin-rooted word. The students call them 'forced labor' because they're definitely mandatory. Donghyuck just calls them total bullshit.

The atmosphere in the auditorium is exactly what you would expect: a hundred half-asleep freshmen looking like they just crawled out of bed, each finding their own way to wake their brains up. Donghyuck, with a coffee in hand and wireless headphones on ("Yeah, they were expensive, but so worth it," he'd told Renjun after he'd shot him a very suspicious look), fits right in with the crowd.

He slowly trudges up the stairs and takes a seat somewhere in the corner next to Renjun, who's attempting to catch a few extra minutes of sleep, trying not to wake him. As much as Donghyuck feels like a walking corpse, he doesn't have an actual death wish. So he just sits there, scrolling through his social media feed, munching on a granola bar and sipping his coffee, waiting for some form of wakefulness to creep in.

Then his phone buzzes with a text message. Upon opening it, Donghyuck almost spits out the coffee, eyes widening in shock.

Mark Lee (just don't) [8:58am]

You're taking this class too?

Donghyuck looks around the auditorium, and sure enough, Mark's looking right back at him from his seat a few rows in front of where Donghyuck is, his mouth curled in a barely noticeable pout, or at least that's what it looks like.

He'd been successful at avoiding Mark for an entire week, spending his time in class surrounded by his group of friends, making Renjun take his orders at the coffee shop or simply staying at his dorm playing Mario Kart while eating instant noodles. In fact, besides the shop, he hadn't seen Mark at all, which was great for his state of mind. The idea was that if he could keep this up, everything would be fine, he could go on living his life as he had done so for the last three years and pretend that the meeting was nothing but a bad dream.

And now, as if this splendid Monday morning couldn't get any better, his whole operation has been spoiled by nothing more than a matching schedule. He'd slam his head against the desk at the injustice, but he doesn't feel like provoking the wrath of a pissed-off Renjun.

Donghyuck doesn't respond to the message. Why would he? He's only trying to protect himself from feeling any more pain, no need to rip those wounds open all over again. However, perhaps it'd be in good taste to change that contact name. It was useful at a point in time when he needed the reminder to stop staring at the contact with an unpleasant feeling of longing in his heart, but now it seems a bit petty and childish, even for Donghyuck.

The bell rings, and a choir of subdued, tired groans joins the melody when the professor walks in and begins his monotonous lecture about numbers and stuff.

Renjun shuffles a bit, murmuring sleepily, "I hate everything about this."

"Same," Donghyuck whispers back.

Unlike other times, though, he's actually listening somewhat to the professor, jotting down notes and trying to copy whatever the hell he's doing on the whiteboard. It's far better than the alternative, which would be to return Mark's occasional glances. It's like he's not even trying to be subtle. Every time Mark looks back to him, Donghyuck hunches over his notebook more, trying and failing to pretend Mark's not there, and halfway through the class, Donghyuck's pretty frustrated with him and his relentless attention.

His phone buzzes twice more before he shuts off the sound for it, but he doesn't bother to check the messages. He'd guess it's Mark, judging how he's glancing over his shoulder whenever the phone buzzes, so that's an even better reason to not read it.

Life was easier before he came back, he realizes. Now he's lost all control of the situation.

It seems that Mark's starting to share Donghyuck's annoyance, as when he makes the mistake of looking up from his notebook, he sees that Mark's openly staring, discontent clear in his eyes.

Donghyuck just shrugs slightly, trying to pretend he's unbothered, returning his attention to the board.

"Dude... what the hell is Mark doing eyeing you like a five-course meal?" Renjun whispers.

Donghyuck chokes on thin air.

"He isn't," is all he manages to get out.

"He's been staring at you for, like, at least three minutes straight now." There's a weird silence for a second before he continues. "Is it because you're ignoring his texts?"

At times like these, Donghyuck wonders if Renjun also has the mind reading ability, because how in the actual fuck does he always know what's going on?

Sure, it's great to be friends with someone so perceptive. Although, to be completely honest, it's more of a blessing and a curse in one. Either way, he'd be lying if he said it doesn't get creepy sometimes.

"Give me that." Renjun snatches his phone, and Donghyuck immediately pounces to get it back. It's not like the embarrassing stuff isn't kept behind passwords and all that, and he trusts Renjun enough to have given him access rights about two years ago, but he can't help feeling uncomfortable with him seeing the chat between him and Mark.

Renjun pushes him back with more strength than Donghyuck expected. "Alright, calm down there, bro. I'm not going into your internet history, nor do I want to see what weird shit you're into."

Renjun quickly reads the messages, his face as calm as ever, before he puts the phone back down on the desk. "I feel bad for him."

Donghyuck shoots him a glare. Mark Lee, of all people, does not deserve pity. Still, he reads his phone.

Mark Lee (just don't) [9:06am]

Donghyuck?

Mark Lee (just don't) [9:19am]

You're ignoring me, aren't you :/

"Who the hell asks someone if they're ignoring you? Like, is he expecting an answer?" Donghyuck says, exasperated.

Renjun sighs. "That's why I'm saying that I feel for him. And this is exactly what I'm talking about. He obviously just wants to talk to you again, but you're shooting him down before you even give him a chance to try."

He really knows how to shut Donghyuck up.

Swallowing down a frustrated whine, he drops his head to the desk with a quiet thud and stays there for the rest of the class. His thoughts swirl together into an incomprehensible mess until he can't make sense of any of this. Not that any of it makes sense in the first place, but it would be nice if he could manage to figure out this whole stupid, stupid situation, even a little bit.

By the end of it all, Donghyuck just wants to run. Be the first one to jump up when the bell rings and get the hell out of there.

He doesn't get the chance as he and Renjun are intercepted by Jeno and Jaemin, the latter mostly asleep, wrapped around the other as if Jeno was some sort of teddy bear.

Renjun rolls his eyes. "Can you go be domestic somewhere else? There are single people over here."

"But Jeno's soft and warm," Jaemin mumbles.

As soft as a concrete wall, Donghyuck remarks to himself, but that's a bit of an open secret between them.

"He wanted to ask if you two wanted to have breakfast at our place. Nana's cooking, and he always ends up making too much food," Jeno says.

"Free food? I'm in," Renjun responds immediately.

It sounds tempting, Jaemin's cooking is a great way to start a day, but Donghyuck's not feeling it, so he just shakes his head. "I'll pass this time."

"Okay, since when are you of all people willing to pass up something like that?" Renjun asks, eyebrow quirked up in question.

"I'll grab some food later. You guys go on without me."

"Fine, your loss. Let me know if you change your mind." Renjun packs up his bag and leaves the auditorium, Jeno and Jaemin trailing just behind him. Donghyuck sluggishly does the same, his wish to go home and sleep before his other classes winning out.

He makes his way down the hallway, but he doesn't get too far before a voice he really doesn't want to hear catches his attention.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

It stings to hear his voice. It's so familiar, so comforting, almost too much. It reminds him of his middle school years, all the happy memories he has of that time. The pain urges him to keep walking, but his curiosity makes him stop.

"What do you want from me?"

"I just want to know what's going on. You've been so cold this last week."

Donghyuck doesn't reply, he just stares blankly at the woodgrain pattern on the floor, following it down the hall.

"I just... I'm sorry I didn't notice you for so long," Mark says, looking down. "I should have seen you in this class, and I get that you're angry because I've been completely unaware of you being there, it's just that you look different, I-I mean, not in a bad way, just... yeah."

Donghyuck looks at him in disbelief, but both his tone and his face seem genuine, which almost makes him laugh. God, he's naïve. As if that's the only thing he ever did, as if it's the only reason why Donghyuck is avoiding him.

Then again, Mark has always been a bit blind to this sort of stuff.

"Could we maybe try to talk things over? You know, to... like, set things straight?"

Donghyuck imperceptibly shakes his head, his face weary, and begins to turn away.

"I don't get why you're doing this," he says quietly.

Mark's hand grabs his wrist tightly. It feels like an electric shock, travelling up his arm, forcing him to stop. His head snaps back, and for a moment, his eyes meet Mark's.

It's brief, but it's all Donghyuck needs before he hears Mark's voice echo in his mind.

"It's because I like you."

Donghyuck snatches his hand back, and it's shaking. He's forcing air in and out of his lungs, his mind going completely blank except for Mark's words. There's a chance he might be having a heart attack, but that doesn't seem to be important right now.

It's got to be a lie. It has to be something his mind made up to amuse that sick, twisted part of him that still holds some pretty badly suppressed feelings that he wishes would just die in a fire.

However, that was Mark's voice, no doubt about that, and common sense says that thoughts can't lie, which makes it all the more terrifying.

"Are you okay?" There's a tinge of worry in Mark's voice and Donghyuck can't deal with it.

"I have to go," he says. And because he can't seem to control himself anymore, he adds, "I'll text you later," before breaking into a sprint out of there.

There have been few moments in his life when Donghyuck hated himself more than now.

~~

Only the most desperate students occupied the coffee shop near closing time. Those with fifteen-page essays due the next morning, or those who are likely completely nocturnal, because what other reasons could there be for a person to be drinking gasoline masking as a double espresso on the rocks at eleven at night?

Donghyuck rarely enjoyed the commotion of the early evening. It's usually a really busy time, but today it was a welcome distraction from everything that happened that morning. Now, that it all has died down, the storm of his thoughts has taken over once again.

The things that Renjun said about Mark are tearing him up. He knows nearly everything about what happened back in middle school, Donghyuck told him a long time ago, so he doesn't get how he could see Mark in such a positive light.

Then again, Renjun's always been quite rational, while Donghyuck just goes along with what his heart tells him, which is usually for the worst. That's got to mean something, right?

All he knows is that if he keeps up these attempts to speculate, he's going to go insane, so he turns to Renjun, who's busy cleaning the coffee machine. "How are things between you and Chenle? Are you planning to do anything more than hope he notices that you're flirting with him? Because, to be honest, he doesn't really seem to be getting the hint."

"To be fair, Hyuck, I'm doing better with him than you are with Mark."

"Okay, ouch?"

Renjun's tone softens. "Alright, too soon, sorry. But, basically, I told Jeno and Jaemin about Chenle while we were having breakfast, which, by the way, was really good and you missed out. Well, aside from the fact that those two can't keep their hands off each other."

"That's old news."

"I know, never felt like more of a third wheel, but still. Before I left, I asked them what they thought, and they just told me to go for it. So... yeah. Guess I'll ask Chenle out. Your thoughts?"

Donghyuck thinks Chenle is about as dense as a rock, not having noticed anything about the way that Renjun's nice around him and literally no one else, so he's not too optimistic, but he's not going to be a dick and discourage his best friend, either.

"Good luck with that, bro. Let me know how it goes," he says, patting Renjun on the shoulder.

"And now tell me what happened to you this morning."

Donghyuck draws back as the mood grows tense. He really doesn't want to, and he wonders if he even can. There's no one in the world who knows of his powers; he can't tell Renjun what he found out, what's had him so shaken up.

All he ends up saying is, "I told Mark I'll text him."

Renjun hums. "It's something, I guess. Anything else?"

"No," he says, shaking his head. It sucks to lie to Renjun like this, but he has no choice.

There's something in Renjun's expression that tells Donghyuck he's seeing straight through the other, but he doesn't comment further, to Donghyuck's relief.

"Guess you've backed yourself into a corner there. After we finish up here, why don't you go home and message him? Poor guy's probably been waiting all day."

"But-"

"No buts. You have to start somewhere, Hyuck, otherwise it'll never work out and you'll be left wondering about the 'what if's for years."

Later that night, Donghyuck's laying in bed, mulling over Renjun's suggestion and his own promise, hating his words for betraying him like that. It seems like a great idea in theory to just back out before it's too late, because he honestly doesn't have much of a wish to start talking to Mark again, much less after what he found out.

But Renjun's right, as he usually is. So Donghyuck takes his phone, opens the messaging app and, after finally changing that damn contact name, sends Mark a text. A simple 'hey'. Innocent enough, even though it's midnight. He still feels a wave of regret wash over him the moment he's pressed the send button, because there are so many things that could go wrong here. Mark might be asleep, or he might not be asleep, read it and get the wrong idea, or he might have changed his mind and gone back to completely ignoring Donghyuck, or-

Mark Lee [12:03am]

Hi!

Didn't think you'd actually text me

Great, Mark's disappointed. Donghyuck already feels the panic bubbling in his throat. Yet, he keeps writing.

Donghyuck [12:05am]

yeah ik its late

i was at work

Mark Lee [12:06am]

That's not really what I meant

But fair haha

Anyway, you doing okay?

You really didn't seem well this morning

Absolutely not, Donghyuck thinks. But Mark doesn't need to know that.

Donghyuck [12:08am]

im fine

just was tired

also did u just use haha in a text unironically

Mark Lee [12:09am]

What's wrong with that?

Donghyuck [12:10am]

and ure texting w/ perfect grammar

nerd

Mark Lee [12:11am]

Guess I should have expected that from you

But at least you're still the same old Hyuck

Donghyuck [12:13am]

and ure still a dork

anyway

Donghyuck types out a message, but freezes before hitting send. There's a huge chance he's setting himself up for at least a few months, if not years, of hell.

"You have to start somewhere, Hyuck."

Damn you, Renjun. Donghyuck sighs, hitting the send button.

Donghyuck [12:16am]

maybe u wanna meet up sometime?

The typing bubble appears and disappears for over a minute, and Donghyuck's anxiety grows with every second.

Mark Lee [12:18am]

Sure haha

I'm busy tomorrow though

Donghyuck [12:19am]

so wednesday?

my shift ends at 5pm

Mark Lee [12:20am]

Sounds good, I'll meet you at the shop :D

Probably would be a great idea to go to sleep now, I have class at 9am

Goodnight, sleep well

Donghyuck [12:22am]

night

Donghyuck lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. The smiley faces, the way Mark writes like they're still best friends tied to the hip as they once were, it's a bit much to take in all at once. However, he has to admit that there's something quite comforting in the good-natured teasing and the flow of their conversation that's only been made possible from years and years of interaction.

Just like the good old days.

For a moment, Donghyuck thinks it might actually be feasible to do this. To go back to how things once were. At the very least, the idea is quite comforting.

~~

It's technically supposed to be just another Wednesday, but a strange combination of excitement and dread stirs in Donghyuck's chest. These last two days have been slow, and at the same time it felt like too little time to actually prepare.

He's still got fifteen minutes to go and he has to wait for Renjun to arrive so he can take over the shift. Speaking of, Renjun's been acting weird. They usually text or call almost every single hour of the day, but there's been complete radio silence from him ever since he had texted Donghyuck about meeting up with Chenle before class to finally ask him out.

Just then, Renjun walks in, looking worryingly lethargic, like he hasn't slept at all. He disappears for a minute in the back room, comes back, and starts working robotically.

Donghyuck puts a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong, Jun?"

Renjun chuckles, but his face looks pained.

"Chenle rejected me. Told me he's already taken."

Donghyuck exhales sharply. "Ouch. I'm sorry, bro."

"He's going out with a fucking high school senior. Jisung Park. Dance prodigy, and the uni dance team's beloved golden child. I mean, I've met him once or twice before. Truly a gentle soul, and I get why Chenle likes him, but goddamn. Makes me feel like shit." Renjun's voice is shaking. Barely, but it's not the same as usual.

Donghyuck rubs his back reassuringly. "Just remember that there are other fish in the sea, and you'll pull through." It's not much, and he knows he sucks at providing comfort, but he tries his best, anyway.

To his slight wonder, Renjun takes it. "Yeah, I guess. Wanna go to my place after the shift to toast for this wonderful occasion?"

Donghyuck chuckles weakly. Here we go.

"Sounds fun, but... I can't tonight. Sorry."

Renjun narrows his eyes at him. "Why not?"

Donghyuck scratches the back of his head, suddenly feeling timid. "Uhm, well... I texted Mark."

Renjun nods. "Okay. And?"

"And... I'm kinda... meeting up with him today after work?"

For a moment, there's silence. Then Renjun bursts out laughing.

"Well, wasn't that easy. Although I have to ask, isn't it a little too early for a date?"

Donghyuck's jaw falls. "What?!"

"I mean, this is kind of turning into a cliché romance story, isn't it? Avoiding and being mean to a guy at first because of some hidden angst, and then realizing he's actually great and going out with him."

"It's not a date, damn it!" Donghyuck exclaims much louder than he should have, and he feels a few extra pairs of eyes on him. His face heats up a bit at that. "I'm just hanging out with an old friend. That's it."

"Alright, Hyuck, chill. No need to get so worked up." He glances over Donghyuck's shoulder. "And by the way, speaking of the devil, have fun."

At first, Donghyuck doesn't get it. It takes him several seconds to realize that Mark's standing by the pastry rack, watching the chaos unfold. To make things worse, he's amused, smiling.

Donghyuck quickly pulls Renjun aside, whispering, "Is it too late to bail out of this?"

In response, Renjun, the damn snake, smirks, shoves him into the changing room and shuts the door, leaving Donghyuck all alone to die from the uneasiness he's feeling.

That's when he knows he has no choice. Renjun will never let him hear the end of it otherwise.

Reluctantly he takes off his apron, hangs it neatly in the locker, and changes into his jacket, one of his favorites, a dark red flannel that brings out his skin tone. Running his hand through his light brown hair to get it to cooperate, he looks at himself in the mirror. All things considered, it's not too bad, even after a day of running around.

Just be casual, Hyuck, he tells himself. Nothing like a little pep talk to calm one's nerves, right?

It all falls to pieces when he walks out of the changing room, only to be met with Mark's warm smile, his eyes flicking down for a second and then up again.

This will be a long evening.

"Shall we go?" Mark asks. Donghyuck nods slowly, nervously. They walk out of the coffee shop, but not before Donghyuck manages to catch a glimpse of Renjun, still smirking.

He'd attempt to plot revenge if Mark's presence wasn't absolutely killing him inside.

They walk, and keep walking, side by side with matching strides. A few years ago, Donghyuck would be the one who couldn't shut up, describing his days, complaining about homework, saying whatever came to his mind with no concern of how it would be received, barely giving Mark a chance to get a word in edgewise. Now it's the complete opposite. Mark's talking so confidently, voice lively and full of spirit, and Donghyuck's the one tripping over his own tongue, his replies to Mark's questions short and strained.

He's just trying to avoid blurting out the snarky clapbacks or just straight up insults he used to use. But it turns out that without them he hasn't got much to say to Mark at all.

It's at that moment when Donghyuck starts wondering if he's really always been that terrible of a person, and it's that creeping doubt of himself that he hates more than almost anything.

They pass the university campus and the park. Mark keeps talking, Donghyuck keeps mostly quiet. Mark sounds so happy talking like this; Donghyuck's not going to be the one to ruin it, because there's something very comforting in listening to him. For a second, he thinks of their middle school years, whether Mark felt the same way listening to his banter. Then he immediately shoots down the thought, determined to lock away those stupid things he's feeling deep within his heart.

It seems to Donghyuck that Mark's plan is to wander around aimlessly, but half an hour in things seem a bit odd. The surrounding buildings look familiar, the streets easily recognizable, because they've walked along them hundreds of times before. However, it's only when their old school building comes into view that Mark's train of thought becomes clear.

"I told you I like nostalgia," Mark says.

"I spent twelve years slaving away here, what made you think this was a great idea?" Donghyuck's voice still sounds too sharp for his liking.

"Just thought it'd be nice to visit."

They exchange looks, and Mark's expression turns a little more sly. Donghyuck's heart does a weird little stutter, so he breaks the eye contact.

"I'll be right back." Mark turns left and, to Donghyuck's surprise, goes to the small shaved ice stand that's been a favorite spot of the school's students for decades, according to his old teachers. There he's met by two guys and immediately begins chatting with them. One of them is the same tall, dark-haired guy Donghyuck saw the day he met Mark on campus, the other is someone who he's maybe seen once or twice in the hallways, most definitely an upperclassman, with a well-built frame and a chiseled face that probably makes all the girls swoon. A strange feeling of discontent washes over him, so he pulls his attention away from the trio.

Knowing Mark's likely to be gone for a while, Donghyuck decides to wander around a bit. For the most part, he just checks out the school. Only a few of the windows are lit, since it's already quite late. He enters the stadium through the always-open gate and settles on a bench. Usually the football team practices here at this time, but today it's completely empty. The atmosphere is quite eerie, but soothing at the same time.

Donghyuck doesn't stay alone for very long, though, because Mark comes back, holding two paper cups of shaved ice.

"Sorry for taking so long. Academy people found me," Mark says, handing a cup to Donghyuck.

He takes it with a quiet 'thanks', and for a while, there's complete silence as they both enjoy the treat. Donghyuck has strawberry and apple syrup on his, just the way he likes it. Taking a spoonful, he's immediately reminded of summer, the days when it was too hot to do much of anything besides sit in the shade and attempt to cool down with whatever means necessary, yet they still hung out, because that's what best friends do.

It feels weird to be back here with Mark. Everything around him is exactly the same. The school, the field in front of him, even the cup of shaved ice in his hand, they're all just as Donghyuck remembers them, and yet it feels completely different now.

Everything was a lot simpler back then, at a time when anxiety, stress and heartache weren't daily parts of their lives.

"You alright, Hyuck? You've been really quiet."

Mark's voice makes Donghyuck snap out of his daze. He takes a deep breath in and out, trying to center himself. "Just thinking about stuff."

"Like what?"

"Nostalgia," Donghyuck says with a touch of sarcasm. Mark laughs at that.

The only problem is that Donghyuck's not enjoying the onslaught of memories. One person's meat is another's poison, after all.

They finish the treat, Donghyuck crumples up his cup and chucks the paper in the trash can a few meters away, feeling proud when it lands straight in. Mark's a little more civilized, actually getting up to discard his cup.

"I still can't believe you decided to get shaved ice in the middle of October. I know it's not that cold yet, but dude."

Mark rolls his eyes, playfully hitting Donghyuck's arm. "You're still not appreciating your elders treating you, huh? This is why all the teachers hated you."

So is that how you want to play?

"Okay, don't you even start. Just because you were a damn model student doesn't mean it wasn't hell for the rest of us."

"It sucked for me too, but I found ways to enjoy my time."

Now it's Donghyuck's turn to be skeptical. "Like what?"

Mark stares at him for a second, and grins, body tensing. "Race you home." And he takes off.

Without a second thought, Donghyuck's instincts send him running after Mark, winding through the streets. The rush of adrenaline making its way though his body is pleasant, invigorating, but the moment he lost reacting was enough for the older to gain a lead that Donghyuck can't close. The fact that he hasn't really had the time to work out much recently works against him, too, and by the time Donghyuck reaches the street where they used to live, Mark's already standing at the corner, waiting.

"Not fair, you had a head start," Donghyuck says, breathless.

"I used to tell you that all the time, but you didn't care."

True, Donghyuck tells himself, but his pride has already been hurt enough. He drops down to sit on the pavement, ignoring the rocks digging into his skin to enjoy a moment of rest.

"Smartass."

He looks up at the sky, painted a soft violet with wispy clouds drifting overhead, and he'd love to lie down right there and gaze up at it until it goes dark, but Mark stretches his hand out to him.

"Come on, there's still one more thing," Mark says.

Donghyuck eyes him with uncertainty, stares at the arm reaching out to him. That's when the confusion sets in. He's confused about what all of this means, why Mark decided to come here in the first place. His conflicted feelings clash once again, chipping away at him, exacerbated by the happy memories of the days he and Mark spent here, living without a care in the world, and painful memories of walking along this street alone, hopelessly wishing for the impossible to happen.

He swore to himself that he'd never let himself fall down that hole again. Donghyuck is his own person. He doesn't need Mark anymore, doesn't want him around anymore. It'd be best to just let him go and walk away.

If only the soft, caring look in Mark's eyes wasn't melting away at his heart and making it near impossible.

Donghyuck takes his hand and allows Mark to pull him up from the ground. As soon as he's on his feet, Mark smiles, and for the first time in years, Donghyuck returns that smile.

Mark half-leads, half-drags Donghyuck down the street, past both of their parents' houses, his grip firm and solid. The cold, blue light of the TV spills from the living room window of his house, and for a second, Donghyuck wonders what his parents are up to these days, but Mark takes him further, up the hill at the end of the street.

When they reach the top, Donghyuck can't help but let out a slight gasp. Calling the view breathtaking might be an understatement. Pastel blue blending with light yellow, bordered by a gentle violet, clouds tinted pink, the sun, colored a brilliant amber, piercing through it all. The sunlight hits his skin, still slightly warm against the cool air, and only then he registers that Mark is still holding his hand.

When Donghyuck thinks he's about to let go, Mark laces their fingers together.

A shiver travels through Donghyuck, his pulse speeding up. It takes a bit of time for him to get over the shock, and for a bewildering, almost intoxicating, but pleasant comfort to wash over him. In a move of bold confidence that he most definitely hasn't thought through, he turns towards Mark, stepping a bit closer, and Mark does the same not a moment later, until they're standing only inches apart.

Donghyuck studies Mark, the sharp edge of his jaw, the curve of his lower lip, the way the golden sunlight illuminates his tan skin and reflects in his gentle eyes. Damn his mind to hell and back for thinking it, but he's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The word echoes through his mind, and, without thinking, he squeezes Mark's hand a little tighter, feeling the heat radiating from him.

He remembers the last time the two visited this place together, not long before Mark announced his departure for the academy. It was a messy time for Donghyuck, as he was still trying to figure out whatever the hell he was feeling for his best friend. Now, those same feelings stir in his chest, threatening to consume him entirely, but at the same time, a dull, bitter ache clenches his heart.

A part of him desperately wants to go back to how things were before, back to the easy friendship they used to have just for the sake of its simplicity and companionship that he misses badly. Another is regretting getting involved with him after he left and returned, because all this has made him retread those old, nearly buried paths he never wanted to walk along again. Neither side wins out, Mark keeps gazing at him like he's seeing Donghyuck's soul, he feels the warmth from his hand spread through his body, and...

It's all too much.

Donghyuck lets go, breaks the moment. He can't bear the closeness anymore, not with Mark. He takes a few steps away from him and looks out into the distance, letting out a laugh to relieve some of the tension.

"The sunset's pretty tonight, right?" Donghyuck asks quietly, turning back to Mark, but refusing to approach him again.

"Yeah, but..." Mark trails off, watching Donghyuck intently, and his expression morphs into one of subtle amazement, the corner of his mouth curling up ever so slightly. It sparks Donghyuck's curiosity, so he attempts to read Mark's mind, but, to his puzzlement, he doesn't hear anything. Instead, he only feels something in the depths of his being, something that he could only describe as a profound feeling of pure happiness.

After everything, it's kind of overwhelming. It feels good, impossibly good, and Donghyuck would be lying if he said he wouldn't be fine with living in this moment forever, but there's only so much his mind can take.

"Think I'll start heading home," Donghyuck says, a slight note of reluctance in his voice.

"But it's not even that late."

"I know, I just... yeah. But thanks for dragging me out here regardless."

That draws a chuckle out of Mark. "Well, thanks for agreeing to let me drag you here."

The unease finally disappears at the return of their friendly banter, to Donghyuck's relief. He stretches out his open palm to Mark, waiting for the response. A flicker of recognition passes over Mark's face at the gesture, and they perform their handshake. Left, right, up, down, bump together, spin around, they do everything as they should. Even after all this time, he still remembers it.

Donghyuck turns and starts walking away, but before he's out of earshot, Mark says, "We should do this again sometime."

He doesn't look back when he responds, "Maybe we should."

Donghyuck doesn't end up going back to his own dorm. Instead, he goes a couple of doors further down the hall to Renjun's. Hey, the guy invited him over for a drink later that night anyway to celebrate his heartbreak, why not add some more emotional baggage to the mix?

He unlocks the door, and as expected, Renjun's not home yet, still working his shift at the shop, so he walks in like he owns the place, only stopping to lock the door again and take off his shoes, and goes straight to the fridge where Renjun keeps the bottles of soju. Donghyuck grabs the first one he sees, pops the cap and takes a long drink, then another, washing it down with some orange juice. By the time he's finished, almost half the bottle is gone, but he can't bring himself to care.

He sets the bottle down and walks out of the kitchen. He's already feeling a bit woozy, but it's better than feeling other, Mark-related emotions. He slumps down onto the couch, and it's pretty uncomfortable, but that doesn't faze him at all. He just stares at the white ceiling, trying and failing to keep his thoughts at bay until exhaustion finally overcomes him.

Several hours later, Donghyuck can't really tell, he's suddenly woken up by a roar of death metal.

"Finally. You were out like a damn rock."

Donghyuck groans tiredly, still barely even half awake. "How can you be so tiny and so angry at the same time? I don't get it. Is the soft Renjun ever coming back, or did Chenle murder him?"

Renjun's eyes turn hard. "So you come to my apartment, drink my booze, pass out on my couch and still mock me?"

"You invited me, though."

"You said you couldn't come."

Donghyuck stands up, a little unsteady. "Well, now I can." He stumbles to the kitchen, grabs the opened bottle of soju, and takes a sealed one from the fridge, handing it to Renjun. "So why don't we toast to these wonderful events?"

"Was your date really that bad?"

Donghyuck shoots him a look, then bursts out laughing until his sides hurt. "That's why I'm here, bro. Cheers to you and Chenle."

"Cheers to you and Mark, too."

The bottles are empty within ten minutes, and the next morning, Donghyuck's back in his own bed somehow, with only the vaguest memory of crawling back to his own place, a deep loathing of himself and a fuck ton of regrets.

For some weird, unexplainable reason, meeting with Mark isn't among them.

~~

Things change for the better over the next several weeks. Instead of completely avoiding Mark, Donghyuck greets him in the hallway, receiving a smile in response. In the coffee shop, they engage in friendly small talk about literally whatever. One rainy, lonely Saturday evening, he convinces Mark to play online Mario Kart with him over voice chat.

Neither of them bring up what happened on the top of that hill. Donghyuck's grateful for that.

All is great. Well, except for the fact that Donghyuck's been sitting in the library for about four hours straight, banging his head against a pile of music history books, hoping that an essay about the historical significance of jazz music will materialize on his computer.

He's glad he had the foresight to start two weeks before the deadline instead of procrastinating until the last minute like he usually does, but with a topic this boring, it sucks no matter what. Less than it would have, but still.

Resting against the books, Donghyuck lets his mind wander. A certain memory comes to him, of that one time in his last year of middle school when he invited a bunch of classmates over for a study session that became more of a decathlon of disciplines such as paper ball throwing and book card houses, among others. He'd pay good money to be able to see one more time the librarian's face when she discovered it all. The only reason he didn't get blacklisted was that he needed the library's material to do his school work, but the librarian never forgave him. He didn't feel bad about it, though; those bitchy glare battles throughout high school were worth it.

Lost in his thoughts, he only faintly registers someone sitting down across the desk from him, but he ignores it in favor of staring at the creased fabric of his hoodie in the crook of his elbow.

"Shouldn't you be working?"

Donghyuck's eyes snap open at the sound of Mark's voice. He lifts himself up, shaking off some of the grogginess. "Yeah, I'm trying."

Mark laughs a bit. "Looks like it. Since when did you become this oblivious?"

In the time-honored tradition of 'anything you say will be used against you,' Donghyuck responds, "Speak for yourself."

No, it doesn't make sense. Donghyuck doesn't care. Mark's presence makes him unable to think straight.

To prove his point, he opens one of his books and starts glaring at the words on the page. "It is not music at all, it's merely an irritation of the nerves of hearing, a sensual teasing of the strings of physical passion," some professor said a century ago. Donghyuck can already feel his last few brain cells dying from the pretentiousness.

Mark's already tapping away at his keyboard, jotting down notes diligently, marking pages in his textbooks. He's completely in his element, as expected from an ace student, and Donghyuck would otherwise mock him for that. But the focused expression on his face is, for lack of a better word, fascinating, and Donghyuck can't look away for far too long. He should have really seen it coming when Mark eventually notices, looking up from his screen.

"So how long do you plan on staring?" Mark's voice is a touch lower than usual. Donghyuck mentally tries to tell his heart to shut the fuck up.

Two can play that game, though. After all, Mark was always the less forward one, the one who got flustered when anyone flirted with him in middle school.

Donghyuck leans back in his chair a bit. "I'm enjoying the view," he says as coolly as he can manage. He feels his ears heating up, so he pulls up his hood, attempting to make it look casual.

This is a bad idea and he knows it, but when has Donghyuck ever had decent ideas?

Mark smirks subtly, his tongue darting out for a moment to wet his lips. "Glad to deliver, then."

Fuck.

It's at that moment when Donghyuck realizes Mark was awkward. In the past. Not anymore.

He'd be lying if he said that it isn't affecting him, if the buzzing feeling in his chest is anything to go by, so before he lets the panic show on his face, he turns his attention back to his computer screen.

The tapping across the desk resumes shortly after, and Donghyuck grabs his phone.

Donghyuck [5:47pm]

ive done fucked up

Injunie <3 [5:48pm]

so business as usual

but go on

Donghyuck [5:48pm]

basically

im sitting at the library trying to write a paper

and mark just comes over

AND HE STARTS FLIRTING

i cant anymore

Injunie <3 [5:49pm]

lmao

did mark of all ppl turn you into a panicked gay

Donghyuck [5:50pm]

shut up

Injunie <3 [5:50pm]

so i'm right

keep me posted on your breakdown

Donghyuck [5:51pm]

this is why i drink

For the next two hours, Donghyuck switches between skipping through the pages of the theory books, writing a few sentences in the document editor, gazing absentmindedly at the ceiling, and kind of dying. So much for not bringing attention to those more-than-friendly feelings again. Eventually, the sentences turn into keyboard smashes, the page turning becomes more careless, and Donghyuck can't sit still anymore.

He gets up and stretches out his muscles, Mark's eyes following him. "I swear to god, if I have to spend another minute in this forsaken hellhole, I'll end up burning this place down."

"Understandable. So you're going home?" Mark raises his brows in question.

"Yeah," Donghyuck says, powering down his laptop.

Mark glances to his computer, to the books next to him, then back to Donghyuck. "Maybe you want to come to my place?"

Donghyuck's brain completely stops functioning.

"My roommate's out, so we could watch a movie or something, have a cup of tea, in fact, my roommate's boyfriend brought back this really delicious black tea from Thailand... I just hope that thing you were writing isn't due next morning. Right?"

A thousand different thoughts flash through Donghyuck's mind. Mark just invited him to his place. Just the two of them. Just to spend time together, question mark? Fuck, okay, this is just as friends, it's casual, be casual, Donghyuck Lee, calm the fuck down now-

"Right, Hyuck?"

Donghyuck snaps back to reality. "Yes. Wait, no, I mean, no, I still have, like, two weeks. It's okay. I'm okay."

Nice going, bro.

"Good. So what do you say?"

He could still save himself from this slow and painful death. All he has to do is make up some believable excuse so he can go home, huddle under his blankets and wonder how the hell to stop these dangerous emotions.

So, obviously, he doesn't do that.

"Okay, I'm in."

Mark's apartment is nice. As soon as they walk in and Mark turns on the lights, it feels warm and lived-in, a far cry from his own lifeless dorm room that no amount of string lights and band posters are able to fix.

"Just leave your shoes in the corner and make yourself feel at home," Mark says.

"Don't mind if I do."

Donghyuck strolls through the living room, Mark disappears into the kitchen and the water kettle starts rumbling softly. There's an unnecessarily large flat-screen attached to the wall opposite a couch big enough to seat an entire family lined with actual leather, the polished black bookcases are filled with trinkets and souvenirs that are undoubtedly expensive as hell, there's decor literally everywhere, and it all feels like a middle finger to Donghyuck and his sad lack of such resources.

"Where the hell did you pull all this dough from?"

"Well, it's not exactly my apartment. Johnny's a senior, so he's already got money, and since he's my cousin, he took me in once I came back. I suspect my parents had something to do with that, though, but hey. Not complaining."

"I'd kick your ass if you were. So this Johnny guy is cool with you just inviting random people to his house?"

"He's either not home or has at least four people over. He won't mind."

Mark sets down two cups and prepares the tea. In the meantime, Donghyuck approaches what is probably a message board, but he's not entirely sure because it's covered in pictures. They're mostly of the tall, dark-haired guy that hangs out with Mark, who he assumes is Johnny, and his friends. It all makes a little more sense now. A couple of them Donghyuck recognizes as upperclassmen from his high school, and some are regular customers at the shop. Mark appears in some of the pictures, too. One with what appears to be his high school friends, another where he's hugging Johnny.

A particular picture in the corner of the board catches Donghyuck's attention. That's only because he's in it. A friendly arm thrown around Mark's shoulders, smiling for the camera at their middle school graduation ceremony.

Donghyuck stares at it for a long time. It's kind of cute to see both of them in their awkward years of puberty, back when they both had black hair, when they had yet to grow into their bodies. But at the same time, even though he knows it's them, it feels distant, like looking at two strangers.

"This one's old, isn't it?" Donghyuck murmurs, running a finger along the edge.

"Hm?" Mark turns to the board. "Oh, yeah, that one. It's the most recent picture I have of you, so."

Right. Taken just before they drifted apart. Donghyuck's face turns solemn.

"You know, we could take another one so I can add it to the board."

Donghyuck lets out a stiff chuckle. "We could. But not today, I look awful."

They exchange looks for a second, and he hears Mark's voice say, "You don't."

Donghyuck would give him a deadpan glare if he didn't feel so bashful out of a sudden, but mostly embarrassed from his powers, those fucking homewreckers, failing to control themselves yet again, so he takes one of the mugs, goes to the couch and makes himself comfortable there, putting his feet up. He takes a sip of the tea. It's pretty good, refreshing with a hint of something floral, but he's always been more of a coffee person.

Mark dims the lights a bit and settles down next to him, a tad too close for comfort, and throws a blanket over both of them. Sure, they used to do this all the time as kids, but now his feelings and the truths he knows make his heart stumble over itself.

Donghyuck grabs the remote in an attempt to restore some sense of normalcy. "What should we watch?"

"No horror."

He's already at the horror movie tab when Mark says that. "But it's October. It's almost Halloween. Perfect time for something creepy."

"But..." Mark's lips curl into a pout, and normally that would be grounds for Donghyuck to tease him to the ends of the earth, calling him a scaredy cat, but he looks too freaking cute like this, Donghyuck can't deal with it, so he concedes.

"Fine. You pick, then." He hands the remote off to Mark, and in the brief moment their fingers touch, Donghyuck feels sparks being left in their wake, reminding him of their little outing on top of that hill.

While Mark's distracted, Donghyuck pulls out his phone from his pocket.

Donghyuck [8:57pm]

so

uhm

im at marks place rn

Injunie <3 [8:58pm]

okay damn

did not expect that of you so early

like at least take the guy out to dinner first

Donghyuck [8:58pm]

its not like that tf

Injunie <3 [8:59pm]

whatever you say

Donghyuck [8:59pm]

-_-

but srsly what do i do

Injunie <3 [9:00pm]

just admit you're still whipped so we can all be at peace

Donghyuck [9:00pm]

ok can u not

Injunie <3 [9:00pm]

:p

then change my contact name bitch

Donghyuck [9:00pm]

never

Injunie <3 [9:01pm]

then suffer

It's at times like these when Donghyuck wonders how and why he's friends with Renjun.

Mark eventually ends up choosing some superhero flick that they've definitely seen before. It's not that bad, but Donghyuck tunes out pretty quickly. So he just sits there with Mark, sipping his tea and occasionally paying a bit of attention to the action on screen.

The one thing that Donghyuck registers is that it's warm. It's warm and kind of comforting, and he feels relaxed enough to let the underlying anxiety go. The back of Mark's hand is touching his, so he decides to ignore all the warning bells going off in his head and the fluttering feeling in his chest to just go for it and take it, fingers intertwining almost automatically.

Probably best to not make that a habit, but Mark's right there next to him, Donghyuck would feel like an idiot if he didn't use the opportunity.

He sees Mark smile gently, and damn, it's adorable. He's adorable, and sweet as ever, and still the same nerd he's always been under it all, and Donghyuck's tempted to take that angelic face into his hands, run a thumb over the sharp cheekbone, feel Mark's heartbeat under his palm, just like he wanted to do years ago.

And he couldn't because Mark left him.

Donghyuck deflates, however, for once, he fights the feeling of resent that festers in him. It's too good a night to ruin it. But Renjun's words echo in his mind anyway.

"I just think you shouldn't be so quick to blame him for everything."

God, just stop it, he mutters to himself.

Donghyuck feels absolutely pathetic, and in his desperation squeezes Mark's hand tighter to try to center himself again.

"Chenle's throwing a party next weekend," he blurts out.

"Yeah, Johnny told me. Pretty much every person he knows is gonna be there, and he wants to take me as well. You're going, right?"

"Yup. My friends persuaded me."

Mark laughs. "I'm not sure if I should go, though. These sorts of parties have never really been my thing."

"Come on, you should. It'll be fun. Besides, when has a party with seniors ever gone wrong?" Donghyuck nudges Mark's side lightly.

"I've seen it all, Hyuck. I've seen how wrecked some people are after them."

Okay, he makes a good point. So Donghyuck pulls out his trump card: puppy eyes. "Please?"

Mark sighs and his expression softens immediately. Donghyuck mentally pumps a fist into the air. Works every time.

"Fine. Only 'cause you asked."

The flashing lights of another action scene grab Mark's attention, and he looks like a kid in a candy shop, Donghyuck can't help but grin in amusement.

The smile fades when Mark rests his head on Donghyuck's shoulder, leaning in closer. He feels Mark trace small circles on the back of his hand, and suddenly Donghyuck's happy that the room is pretty dark as he feels his face heat up.

He turns his focus on the movie, but it does nothing to prevent his heart from beating out of time. Yeah, imagining this sort of stuff is one thing. Actually experiencing it is another. Why is it making him this nervous, Donghyuck can't even begin to comprehend. All he knows is that, despite the jolt of panic, it feels really nice, and he lets himself relax into it.

They sit together like that for a while, nearly completely still, until Donghyuck notices that Mark's breathing slows down, his body relaxes. Damn it. This guy wanted to watch an action movie, and now he falls asleep? Donghyuck questions why he gave in to Mark's request for no horror, it would have been fun to watch his reactions to the jumpscares Donghyuck's already used to because of Renjun and his marathons.

This might be better, though. Key word, might.

And he has no idea what kind of insanity takes over his brain when he timidly wraps his arm around Mark's shoulders, pulling him even closer, but something does.

He's hoping Mark won't notice and just let Donghyuck enjoy the moment in peace, but he shifts slightly, enough to make Donghyuck flinch and begin fearing for his life. However, Mark just nuzzles deeper into the crook of his neck, draping his free arm around the other.

At that point Donghyuck's sure his soul has left his body.

"You're tense," Mark mumbles sleepily.

"What did you expect?" Donghyuck whispers back, his voice a little shaky.

"I don't know." Mark laughs softly. "So does this mean we're okay?"

"Hm?"

"Like, no more being frigid with each other. We can just be best friends like we used to be."

There's an uncomfortable hint of guilt that surfaces in his thoughts that he can't fully shake. However, that's not what matters most at this moment. Mark's almost lying on top of Donghyuck. This is nothing like it used to be, it's already far past the point of being just friends.

"Okay," he says anyway.

"'Let's be friends forever.' That's how it went, right?"

Donghyuck nods. "Childhood memories."

"Yeah. But those two little kids were up to something."

Mark raises his head a bit, and they lock eyes. There's a certain tenderness in the gaze, almost unnerving with how vulnerable Donghyuck feels in the moment because of it, and yet he feels at peace.

"I'm glad to have you back," Mark says quietly.

At the end of the day, Mark is his first friend, his closest friend, the one who knows him inside and out. And if Donghyuck still can't truly let that person go, if he still might want that person close, that's no one's business but his own. And the consequences of his choices are his own to take responsibility for.

"Me, too."

~~

Donghyuck wakes up at around four in the morning, a dim light spilling from the kitchen, Mark sleeping peacefully with his arm still around him. He'd gladly just go back to sleep as well, but it feels so wrong, for some reason. The initial fuzzy comfort is gone, replaced with the same anxiety he's felt for weeks. They shouldn't be doing this. Not yet. Not when they still have things to discuss, not when there are things he's still not truly ready to face and accept.

He carefully worms his way out of Mark's grasp, paying close attention as to not wake him, and covers his form with the blanket. It feels cold without him, but he knows he can't stay. He shuts off the TV, wincing when the remote lands on the coffee table a little too loudly.

He writes a small note telling Mark to lock the front door when he wakes up, and, sparing one more lingering glance at him, slips out of the apartment.

It's only a few hours later when Donghyuck's phone rings.

He almost doesn't pick it up. He's frustrated with everything that's been going on lately, from that moment on that hill to the definitely-not-harmless things he felt while Mark was holding him like he was made of glass, so gentle, so unlike the awkward guy he's known forever. He doesn't want to have anything to do with it, he tries to remind himself. It doesn't work, because he knows exactly what's wrong.

He picks up the phone anyway.

Mark's sleepy voice breaks through the line. "Morning, Hyuck. Got home safe?"

There's a hint of disappointment in it. Donghyuck's energy drops almost immediately.

"Yeah. I'm alright."

"That's good. But you could have stayed, I really wouldn't have minded."

Donghyuck hates hearing the implication behind his words, the feelings, the emotions. His moment of weakness when he gave into his wishes is over, a memory to keep and lock away forever, not to continue amusing. But he's still speaking as if it's completely normal to do something like this, act like more than friends when they've barely made amends as is. As if it's supposed to mean something and at the same time should mean nothing.

"I couldn't."

All he hears for far too long is the faint hum and crackle of the call.

"I'm sorry."

It's not enough, and Donghyuck knows it, can feel it in the heavy silence that follows.

"Look, I..." He can't take it anymore. It's painful to keep existing like this, better to just get things over and done with. "We should meet up. Talk about stuff. Are you free this week?"

There's a bit of shuffling, the sound of pages turning, while Donghyuck waits impatiently.

"No, sorry. I have a bunch of projects due soon, so I have to focus on those. I might be able to free up some time next week."

Donghyuck sighs. "Okay." It's not really okay, but it's not like he can do anything anyway. "So... I'll see you at the party?"

Mark hums affirmatively, and again, it's completely quiet. Donghyuck feels like he should say something, anything, to relieve the tension, to clean up this whole mess. But nothing comes to mind.

"Talk to you later, Hyuck." The line clicks dead.

Donghyuck stares up at the ceiling for a long time, questioning himself, trying to make some sense out of himself and the way he feels. Mark is supposed to be his best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. That's what it was always meant to be. And even that's hard to follow through with nowadays. He wants more and at the same time nothing to do with him. It's far, far too much, the pain and misery and underlying hope that one day things will be okay, that he can have what he truly desires, even though it's so unrealistic of a dream he has to laugh.

He fights the feelings, tries to prevent them from becoming even more definite, but it's like cutting off the head of a monster only to watch it grow two in its place. Every time he resists, it just gets stronger until it completely takes over.

He's afraid, and he knows it. Behind all the hatred, the resentment, there's a deep, visceral fear of still holding affection for his best friend. It's why he can't let himself fall entirely. It's why he has to keep it together.

He simply doesn't want to get hurt again.

He just hopes that Mark will understand.

~~

"You seriously want me to wear that?" Renjun holds up a sparkly black button-down in displeasure.

"It'll look good on you."

"I'll look like a fucking disco ball. Besides," Renjun gestures to the black and white bomber jacket Donghyuck threw on, "you look like you might have just crawled out of bed." He throws the shirt onto his bed, to Donghyuck's chagrin.

"Ouch, but okay. Anyway, it's a party with seniors. A lot of people will be there. You've got to make an impression. You know what I mean?"

Renjun scoffs. "Make an impression on whom? Chenle? Complete strangers?"

"Okay, Jun, I know you're still sad, but you're not helping yourself by continuing to talk about him." Donghyuck's words fall on deaf ears, though.

"Honestly, why am I even going."

Donghyuck sighs. "Look. You were the one who was going to drag me there. It only makes sense for me to return the favor."

"Seriously?" Renjun's glaring daggers at him. If looks could kill.

"It's not gonna be that bad, I promise. Maybe you want me to set you up with someone?"

"Absolutely not. I don't need more mushy feelings creeping around."

It's a fair point, so Donghyuck moves on to his next tactic. "Alright. But if you don't come, you're gonna be leaving me alone with Jeno and Jaemin. Do you want me to suffer through that?"

Renjun rolls his eyes, his annoyance starting to show more clearly. "You have a bunch of other friends. And Mark's going. You'll be fine."

A strange rush flows through Donghyuck at the mention of Mark's name, but he wills it down, focusing on his mission to not be abandoned.

He knows Renjun's notoriously unbreakable, especially when it comes to Donghyuck and his antics, always looking about two seconds from being completely done with his shit. So he pulls out the trump card, softening his voice and eyes.

"Please? I'll take you out to dinner next weekend."

He knows he looks adorable to the point of being borderline grotesque, but it's effective. Renjun relaxes, averting his gaze, and grabs a denim jacket from his closet.

"Fine."

Works every time, Donghyuck thinks, laughing to himself.

Of course, the joy fades when they're met with what could maybe pass as the wrath, also known as the incessant whining, of Jaemin.

"Guys, I've been waiting here for, like, fifteen minutes. Have you not heard of punctuality? Kids these days, you can't rely on them at all..." He goes on, talking about not wanting to miss the fun, mentioning Jeno somewhere in there, too. As expected from Na Jaemin, the painfully stereotypical Leo mother of the group and resident professional complainer.

Both Donghyuck and Renjun lean farther into the back seat, looking completely disinterested.

"Sorry, mom," Donghyuck says. "Had to convince Renjun that he wasn't going to die."

"Why?" Jaemin turns to the back seat, his tone mellowed and genuinely confused. Renjun simply shakes his head.

"Just drive," he says coldly.

Jaemin pouts slightly, reaching over to put a hand on Renjun's knee. "If something happened, you can tell me. Can it be fixed with a hug and some hot chocolate?"

A look of pure disgust forms on Renjun's face as he inches away from the contact, and Donghyuck can't help but laugh at the spectacle. Jaemin huffs, but he's smiling, too.

"Well, you know where to go if you change your mind." He starts the engine, and with a rumble, they pick up speed.

Renjun moves a little closer to whisper, "Is it too late to back out of this?"

"Yes. Besides, we all only want the best for you. So deal with it," Donghyuck whispers back.

Donghyuck sinks into his phone, playing mobile games to drown out Jaemin's poor choice of music to blast on the speakers, made worse by the fact that he's singing along at the top of his lungs. He's about to put in his earphones to preserve his hearing when they stop at a hardware store, nowhere near Chenle's house, to the best of his knowledge. The questions are on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn't get the chance to get a word in before Jeno gets into the passenger seat.

"Hey, babe," Jaemin says, taking Jeno's hand in his. They exchange a peck and a long, loving gaze, and Donghyuck has never felt like more of a third wheel.

"You'd think they have no idea they're not alone," Renjun scoffs.

Donghyuck turns his earphones on to tune them all out entirely.

Or to at least try, because when the car starts moving again, he makes a terrifying realization.

Jaemin is a decent driver, even when jamming out to American pop music. However, with Jeno around, he is a fucking road hazard, because apparently staring at his boyfriend is more important than watching the road and making sure that they get to their destination in one piece. Jeno seems to try to get him to focus, but it clearly doesn't work. Sudden swerves, jerky stops, at times crawling at thirty kilometers an hour while other cars whiz by, Donghyuck ends up clutching Renjun's wrist, praying to all the higher powers out there to survive the journey. Renjun simply stares at Jaemin with the purest disappointment Donghyuck's ever seen from him.

Jeno and Jaemin just keep blinding each other with their smiles, completely oblivious to the danger around them.

It feels like it goes on for a long, long time, before they finally come to a complete stop next to Chenle's... well, that's not a house, that's a goddamn mansion. Donghyuck's still too shaken to properly enjoy the view, unhooking the seatbelt with shaking fingers.

"I nominate Jeno as the one who drives us home," he exclaims, nearly jumping out of the car. There's no way in hell he's going to let himself live through that again. Renjun follows him shortly after, with those two lovebirds trailing behind.

Bright, colorful lights, a bass that shakes the ground and other loud noises spill from the front door as soon as they open it. Jaemin immediately shoves his way past Donghyuck and Renjun, dragging Jeno along with him and disappearing into the crowd, cheerful shouts echoing through the hall.

Renjun sighs. "Well, we almost died today, things can't get worse, right?"

Chenle suddenly appears in front of them, his fiery hair brighter than usual, accompanied by a tall, lean youth who Donghyuck maybe only vaguely recognizes, and Renjun's slight smile fades.

"Glad you could make it, guys! Food and drinks are in the kitchen, just try not to get too smashed. The dance floor is in that room over there," Chenle points somewhere to his left behind him, "and if you need a break, the lounge is upstairs. Have fun, and if you see anything interesting, send me pictures later." Just as soon as he arrived, he disappears, the only clue to his existence left here being the high-pitched dolphin laughter that rings through the house.

Renjun pinches the bridge of his nose, laughing quietly to himself. "Fucking called it. You'll know where to find me."

Before Donghyuck knows it, Renjun's gone among the other guests of the party, and he's standing all alone in the hall. As loud and outgoing as he can be at times, even though he knows at least some of the people present and getting involved should be easy, he's a bit overwhelmed.

That's why, when he feels an arm snake around his shoulders, he nearly jumps out of his skin.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

It's Mark, Donghyuck knows without even having to look, and his voice calms him down for a moment, but that only works until Mark fully comes into Donghyuck's view.

At that point he feels his mouth go dry.

Mark's in a dark blue button-down, the top button open, revealing the edge of his collarbone and conveying an air of subtle confidence, and tight black jeans that show off his toned legs. A short, silvery chain hangs from his right ear. His hair, slightly darker than the last time Donghyuck saw him, is brushed back neatly, in a way that makes Donghyuck want to run his hand through it and mess it up while he- fuck, no, Donghyuck Lee, control yourself-

A choked sound catches in his throat. "Y-yeah, no, it's okay."

Mark smiles sweetly, as if he didn't just give Donghyuck a near heart attack. "Honestly, it was getting late, I thought you wouldn't show up after all."

"I promised I would to several people."

"I'm glad you did." Mark walks up to him, taking a hold on his hand. "Wanna come dance with me?"

Donghyuck looks straight into Mark's eyes, and almost shies away from the piercing gaze. His cheeks are a bit flushed, and there's the faint smell of alcohol. That explains the... whatever the fuck he's doing. But that doesn't mean that Mark's forwardness is making Donghyuck any less weak.

With his last bit of self-control, he lets go and steps away.

"Maybe a bit later. I'll see you around, okay?"

Mark's smile falters, but Donghyuck doesn't stick around any longer. He heads to the kitchen, grabs a glass and pours himself probably way too much soju, finishing it almost immediately and slumping down into a chair.

"So, what happened to you?" a slightly slurred voice asks. Donghyuck looks up and sees Renjun sitting across from him, looking pretty miserable already.

Donghyuck pours himself another glass, trying to process what he just experienced. That's why, before he can stop himself, he blurts out, "Mark's hot."

A half second of relative silence, and Renjun bursts into hearty laughter. Donghyuck can almost hear the way that Renjun is mocking his stupidity. "Who could have thought. Have you finally come to your enlightenment about how whipped you are, or do I still have to suffer?"

Donghyuck looks at him pleadingly, but Renjun's unfazed, and pours himself a glass of some gold liquor as well.

"He asked me to go dance with him," he says quietly.

Renjun gives him a deadpan look. "And you didn't take it? God, now I can see why things are going so badly for you two. Just... do it before the night is over. Talk to him. Make a move. A proper one this time. I swear, if you don't, I might as well snatch him from you."

"What?!"

"As you said, he's hot, and he's sweet and gentle at the same time. And still single, as far as I know. What more could you want?"

Donghyuck feels a bitter ache in his chest at the implication, the only consolation being that Renjun is clearly drunk. Still, the thought alone...

"Cheers." He empties his glass. Renjun sneers and does the same.

Donghyuck doesn't stop there, though. He drinks along with Renjun, and keeps drinking until the party is a blur of meaningless lights and noises, until he can't really feel himself anymore. It's better than having to exist in a state of torment all night.

He stands up abruptly, swaying a bit. He'd ask Renjun to join him in participating in some of this party stuff that everyone else is indulging in, but one look at him is enough to know he's probably incapable of moving more than a few steps, so Donghyuck just leaves him there. He'll most likely find him again at some point. Worst case scenario, he'll have someone to pass out next to.

He slowly makes his way through the rooms, past dozens of people, to the dancefloor that Chenle told them about. It's clearly the most popular spot in the house, judging by the crowd. For good reason, too, because it's quite a wonder with most of the university's dance team in attendance. The way they move is mesmerizing, the crowd's reactions and energy invigorating.

The young guy that Donghyuck saw with Chenle at the beginning steps out, and damn near steals the show from everyone, popping and locking with unparalleled skill, making it look completely effortless. The crowd hoots and cheers along, and when he finishes, their roar is almost deafening, chanting his name. Jisung Park. And he's still in high school. Way to make anyone feel insecure about themselves.

The song changes to something with a deeper bass, more powerful, the kind of stuff you'd expect to hear as the title track of an album. And, to Donghyuck's surprise, the one who takes on the challenge is Mark. At first, he doesn't really know what to think of it, but it all becomes clear once he actually starts dancing.

And if Donghyuck thought he looks great just existing, then that's got nothing on how he looks when he's feeling himself in the music.

Mark just looks so alive. Grown into the best version in himself. It's a beautiful thing to see, and he wants to see it closer, so, like a magnet drawing iron, Donghyuck's drawn to join Mark on the dance floor.

He feels the beat in his bones, lets himself become the music, and his moves are nowhere near as smooth and controlled as the people who came before him, but he doesn't care. He's satisfied. Euphoric, even. He dances his heart away, allows himself to just live in the moment and let everything else go, and watches Mark doing the same, entranced by the beauty, feeling sparks when Mark's hand reaches for the exposed skin above his collarbone.

By the time the song ends, both of them are completely breathless, riding the wave of pure energy that washes over them. But the noise doesn't properly register, nothing else besides Mark standing an arm's length away from him does.

"Thanks for doing this with me," Mark says.

Donghyuck shakes his head to force himself back to the ground. Mark's still watching him with sincere affection, though, and it's hard to believe that what he's seeing is real. It's almost too perfect.

Mark leads him away from the room, away from the crowd. No one really seems to notice, anyway. They stumble to one of the couches, Donghyuck gracelessly plops down, letting Mark join him, and collapses on top of him.

Hey, he's not going to pass up this opportunity to enjoy some company. Especially when that company isn't complaining about it at all.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, in and out, and stares up at the ceiling. Mark's got his arm flung loosely around him, his fingers playing with the hair at the nape of the other's neck. The music of the party is quieter now, muffled, either because of the walls or because Donghyuck's losing his hearing amidst the constant assault of sound, but he hums along anyway.

It's not what he's focused on either way, especially when he feels Mark ever so gently tracing his neckline, and a small sigh escapes his lips before he can stop it.

The last somewhat functioning part of his brain still tries to point out how wrong all this is, how he's making a mistake, but with his mind clouded, his veins buzzing with adrenaline and Mark literally lying under him, he truly doesn't care at all.

Donghyuck turns around so he can come face to face with Mark. He brushes a few loose strands of hair from Mark's forehead, and then moves his hand lower to rest against his neck. The entire time Mark doesn't break eye contact, even though Donghyuck can feel his heart racing under his palm. Mark's lips are right there, all he'd have to do is lean forward just a little bit, and he almost wants to go in, his eyes flicking down.

"You enjoying yourself?" Mark says, smiling slyly.

God, this guy's nerve.

Donghyuck shrugs, responding with an easy grin. "Well, it could be worse. I thought I might regret coming, but the party actually turned out to be pretty fun."

Mark chuckles. "I wasn't talking about the party."

"You weren't?" Donghyuck's expression morphs into one of feigned innocence.

At that, Mark laughs properly, his head tipping to the side, and Donghyuck can't help but join in. He'd probably never admit it while sober, but he's missed that sound. And it feels good to laugh along with him, like putting puzzle pieces together. It all just fits so well. They should have done this forever ago. For a moment, he asks himself, why didn't they?

And that's when his anxiety rears its ugly head yet again.

Their eyes meet again for a split second, Donghyuck's self-control slips even further, and he hears Mark's voice in his mind.

"You're hopeless, how did I fall in love with you?"

...fall in love?

Love?

A concept that Donghyuck's been afraid of this entire time, an emotion that he never wanted to let himself feel, a word he always wanted to hear from someone.

It's a fact, which Donghyuck's ashamed of, that on some of those more desperate nights in high school he imagined Mark saying those words to him, expressing that sort of affection towards him.

But he thought it'd be a happy moment. He thought it would be nothing like this, when he's lost all restraint, drunk as all hell on liquor and feelings, and when he shouldn't even have heard those words in the first place.

Donghyuck's smile falls, and he pulls himself away from Mark, sitting back, his head blank and buzzing with thoughts at light speed at the same time. His fists tighten, his breathing becomes rapid, and he can't focus for long enough to even attempt to calm himself. Everything seems fuzzy, perhaps due in part to his heart going completely haywire.

It doesn't make sense. None of it makes any sense at all, and Donghyuck absolutely hates himself right now.

"Hyuck, what's wrong?"

He feels Mark's hand on his shoulder, and only then he notices that he's hunched over in the building panic. He slowly rises up to his feet, letting the hand fall, and taking a deep breath. In, out. In and out.

Love. The word echoes in Donghyuck's mind. It's wrong, so, so wrong. And yet he can't help wanting to know more, even though he knows that curiosity is a dangerous thing.

"You like me, don't you?" He finally musters up the courage to look at Mark.

Mark's taken aback by the sudden statement, and he doesn't answer beyond a confused stutter, but the glimmer in his eyes is more than enough to give him away.

"For how long?"

Donghyuck immediately wants to take it back, but, of course, he keeps digging that grave of his. Mark chews on his bottom lip, his gaze flickering around, refusing to settle anywhere. The silence seems to drag on forever, and Donghyuck's certain one of them is about to either run away or just die on the spot, but Mark finally speaks.

"It's complicated. Like, it's only recently been relevant at all, but... to be honest, since middle school? I don't know, Hyuck. It's always been confusing."

"Middle school? But that's..." Donghyuck wants to laugh, because that's just impossible. But then the memories surge, completely unwelcomed. All those times of the too-friendly smiles, too-friendly touches, the thoughts he knows Mark had.

And yet.

"There was a point in time when I'd almost gotten over it. Sometime in high school, when I thought you had completely given up on me."

"But you were the one who left me."

Mark looks up at Donghyuck in utter confusion, but that does nothing to quell the frustration that he doesn't have the control to fight anymore, the years worth of pain and the ever-present feeling of betrayal bubbling inside that are about to finally, after all this time, spill out.

"You were the one who chose a damn school over your best friend."

"I..." Mark stands up, trying to come a little closer, but Donghyuck steps away.

"I'm sorry that I had to leave you like that. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. I couldn't not take it." Mark's voice is meek, but Donghyuck's had enough of it.

"Yeah, I bet. Telling me about it a week before you took off was also part of that opportunity, right?"

"Look, Hyuck, I knew you weren't going to take it well. I didn't want to completely ruin things between us and then have to live with it for the rest of the year."

That's bullshit, Donghyuck thinks, his anger steadily rising with every second, hoping that whatever he ends up saying next stings out of pure spite.

"But you were fine with leading me on that entire time."

Mark's eyes widen in shock. "What? I didn't-"

"You were fine with just using me for your own benefit and tossing me aside once you didn't need me to be happy anymore."

The atmosphere becomes more tense, like a rubber band about to snap, fraying away at the edges.

"I wanted to stay friends. I tried to keep in touch, you know that."

"But what happened with that promise to visit? Because, as far as I remember, you never did. All I heard was how busy you were."

"Because I was busy, and I was just trying to get you to understand-"

"Understand that you had great friends, great grades, a great life, while I was sitting here in misery? Thanks, I caught that."

Mark sighs shakily, but his tone grows colder. "Remember the last message I sent you in high school?"

Donghyuck stares back at him in defiance, but in reality, no, he doesn't remember. Those conversations were nothing but a distant dream that he'd kept under lock and key.

"Well, I do. I asked about how you were doing, like always. But you never replied. The next time we talked was a year and a half later. Can you really blame me for losing hope?"

Donghyuck scoffs, a twisted smirk on his lips. "Are you seriously trying to make yourself into the victim here?"

Mark's face hardens almost immediately, which actually surprises Donghyuck for a moment. Over the years he's seen Mark get upset, frustrated, annoyed. However, he's rarely seen this sort of anger. That sort of anger that on any other day would have been frightening.

"Obviously you haven't noticed, but you're not the only one who was hurt by all of it."

But this time it just pisses Donghyuck off even more.

"Is that it, Mark? Is that what's wrong? You missed a friend. Well, good for you, but you never even tried to fix it. You were happy in your little bubble, surrounded by people who absolutely loved you, who thought you could never hurt a fly." Donghyuck's voice has risen considerably, drawing attention to the two, but he's far past the point of caring. "But they never knew how heartless you could truly be, to ditch your best friend, and crush, I think you called it," he spits out the word venomously, ignoring his own heart splintering at the sound of it, "when you decided other people would be better. You hear that, everyone?!" Donghyuck openly addresses all those watching them. "This person named Mark Lee, who I bet you all thought was the purest angel you could ever meet, is nothing but a coldhearted, selfish asshole."

Donghyuck feels quite a few people staring at them, but all he sees is Mark, rigid in his stance. It's as if he's an ember, seconds away from bursting into flames, but then Donghyuck notices his eyes becoming shiny with tears.

"I really thought better of you, Hyuck."

Mark shoves his way past Donghyuck, weaving through the bodies and making his way to the door, his pace picking up until he's almost running. A tall, dark haired guy - Johnny, he vaguely remembers - shoots Donghyuck a glare that's half-concerned, half-furious, and follows Mark over the neatly trimmed lawn.

Donghyuck follows him, too, but he doesn't run after him, only steps outside far enough so Mark hears him shout, "Yeah, that's it, Mark, run away, leave me alone again, because that's all you know how to do, isn't it?!"

Someone comes up behind him and restrains him, preventing him from going any further even if he wanted to.

"Alright, man, you've had enough," Jeno says calmly.

Donghyuck's out of breath, attempting to force the night air into his lungs, and with the cold setting in, the adrenaline and rage seep out of him too, leaving him wrecked and nauseous.

"Let me go," Donghyuck says, but Jeno doesn't comply, so he yanks himself out of the other's grip and shoves him aside, stumbling back to the house. The other guests look at him in judgement, but the only one he registers or cares about is Renjun, surprisingly. Donghyuck thought he'd be out cold in a bathroom somewhere.

"What the fuck was that, dude?"

Donghyuck ignores him, grabs a glass containing some sort of alcohol, guesses that he probably won't die from it and downs the entire thing at once. It's likely the most stupid thing he could have done right now, but his common sense went out the window a long time ago. He somehow makes it up the stairs and into the lounge, where a few people are either sleeping or on their phones. None of them notice him as he lies down in the corner and closes his eyes, letting himself go completely.

~~

Donghyuck wakes up after seemingly forever, covered with a thin blanket and with a pillow under his head. It's weirdly quiet, almost too quiet. He cracks open his eyes, immediately blinded by the light, but once he can adjust, he looks around.

He's lying on a pull-out couch, and Renjun's on the carpet next to it, his blanket thrown away across the floor, even though there's enough space for both of them. Donghyuck assumes he either fell off, or was kicked off. There's also a bottle of water on the other side, which Donghyuck takes and drinks large gulps from, desperate to relieve the dryness in his throat and the slowly sharpening pain in his head. It does next to nothing to help, though.

A bit farther away, he hears quiet chatter. Looking over, he sees two figures, both blond, so he assumes they're Jeno and Jaemin. His joints grumble and resist sudden movement, but he sluggishly stretches out his aching body, gets up and inches towards them clumsily. One of them, maybe Jaemin, but he's not entirely sure, stops him before he can walk straight into the table, and leads him to a chair. The other arrives with more water and a couple of pills, which Donghyuck takes eagerly, or what could be passed as eagerness in the zombie-like state of a hangover like he's never experienced before. That person also puts a plate of food, some fruit by the looks of it, in front of him, even though he can barely stomach the faint scent of coffee that cuts through the air.

Still, he slowly starts to properly wake up, and with it comes awareness of what's going on. He's in Jeno and Jaemin's shared apartment, though he doesn't remember how the hell those two managed to haul him over. There are a few bruises on his forearms, so that journey mustn't have been too smooth. However, he knows he should be grateful for the fact that they cared about him enough to not leave him in a ditch after that party.

He nibbles on a piece of orange, letting the sweet juice cut through the horrible decisions of last night. No more alcohol for a while, he thinks, although he tells himself that every time this happens with little actual success.

The freshness brings him back to a simpler time, it gives him a feeling of nostalgia for the hot summer days of messing around, living his best life, in stark contrast to the bitter cold of November that never truly goes away. And then, along with the wakefulness that begins to sink in, come other memories.

Images of the party flash before his eyes, some more clear than others. Drinking far, far too much together with Renjun. Dancing his heart out to some EDM song he can't recall anymore. Mark, front and center in his mind, in that impossibly alluring outfit of his. Seeing him lying underneath, his hair messy and cheeks flushed, feeling his warmth in a way he'd always wanted to.

And then the vile words he shouted, the cold air against his skin, the glassy look in Mark's eyes...

Oh. Oh, god, no.

The last bit of air in his lungs escapes him as a weak, shaky breath, and before he can realize it, before he can truly understand why, he feels a drop fall onto the back of his hand.

~~

There's a certain beauty about the coffee shop at six in the morning, just before opening time, before anyone has come in and made the wind chime sing, before all that can be heard is chatter and the regular hissing of the coffee machine. Right now, it's nothing but the ventilation and the faint hum of the lights. Donghyuck takes a moment to appreciate it, listen to it, before he launches into the day.

With how hectic his life can be, Donghyuck enjoys the tranquility, the utter emptiness around him, and the only thing that can give him some semblance of peace of mind, even if it's only momentary. At least here he doesn't have to act like anyone or anything, he can simply let go of it all and let the routine and resulting sleepless nights consume him entirely.

But he has to laugh to himself, because if only it were that easy.

Sure enough, the stillness of the air is broken by that familiar ring of the chime, and he sees Mark walk in, all disheveled hair and baggy clothes and tiredness, half of his face hidden behind the glare of his glasses. It's only been five days since Donghyuck last saw him, so he can't help feeling a bit surprised.

Mark drops his card onto the coin tray. "I'll take a latte-"

"With a dash of caramel syrup, coming right up," Donghyuck finishes for him without thinking and marks it down.

He feels Mark's eyes on him, watching, waiting, and he doesn't really want to, but for the first time since the party, Donghyuck gazes back. He doesn't know what to expect. Sadness, anger, regret, perhaps. However, what he sees is nothing but a frigid, unyielding wall. That's not what fazes him most, though. It's the almost lost look in his eyes that sends a chill down his spine.

No, maybe not lost. Distant would be more accurate. Distant and cold and unfeeling.

Donghyuck doesn't get why it scares him. All this time he's been repeatedly telling himself the same thing: Mark deserved it. He deserved to hear it. And yet, he can't shake the guilt of seeing such apathy where there once was a shining beacon of life and laughter.

Get over it, Mark's a self-serving bastard, he tries to tell himself, but he'd be lying if he said that it's convincing anyone.

The door cracks open with that familiar chime, and Donghyuck finally manages to turn his attention away from Mark, trying to focus on his work instead. He follows through by muscle memory, moving robotically, because his mind is a total mess. You don't need him, Hyuck. You don't need him. It almost becomes a chant, a mantra by which to live. But there's still that other part that just can't let go, even after everything, no matter how mad he gets, no matter how much pain he feels.

There's definitely something wrong with that picture.

Let me cut the strings. Let me go. It's what he told himself nearly every night during that first rough year of high school, and now he finds himself saying it all over again. And yet, every time his finger hovered over the 'delete' button, every time he felt ready to start a new life, forget everything that happened before, forget all the memories and bury them deep within his heart, every time he was holding up those scissors, ready to snap them shut, all it took was an image of the past, a smile, a hug, and his resolve drained out of him completely.

He shakes his head slightly, wondering what kind of toxic shit is this.

The coffee's done in minutes, and Donghyuck sets it down on the counter, ready for the next customer. In his periphery, he sees Mark reach for the cup, but forces himself to not follow his movements, instead taking the next order. But out of his curiosity, he looks over the customer's shoulder when he has the chance.

It's not without reason. Ever since they started talking to each other again and Donghyuck told Mark about his schedule, Mark's always been the first customer through those doors every Thursday and Friday morning, always asking about how he had slept and how he's been doing, and in general being way too saccharine sweet for Donghyuck at 6am in the morning while he's operating on about 4 hours of sleep and a couple of shots of espresso. And after he had to return to working, Mark would take his usual seat by the window, pull out his laptop and write his school work for a few hours, occasionally sparing Donghyuck a fleeting glance.

But today, Mark heads straight out the door.

And the next day, he doesn't show up at all.

~~

"Okay, that's it, I'm done. No more talking about him, no more mentioning him, he doesn't exist, I'm turning over a new leaf," Donghyuck would say at some point the morning.

The first time, Renjun had responded, "You absolutely sure? You're not gonna try to set things straight? You know, you still have a chance."

"Nope. He's a bitch and I'm better off without him," Donghyuck had said, earning a glare from Renjun, halfway between judgmental and sympathetic.

"Good luck with that," was the only thing Renjun would say every time after that.

It would go well enough for a day; Donghyuck would focus on his schoolwork, make some progress on his projects, hang out with friends and try to make new ones around his major. He'd almost start feeling like a normal person again.

But by the end of that very same day, he would have seen Mark at least once, or unwillingly interacted with him in some sort of way, either online or in real life, and his resolution would be shattered like an egg dropped on the floor.

"Fuck my life," he would then whine in either his own or Renjun's pillow.

Rinse and repeat until every single person in his life was absolutely sick of his bullshit, including Donghyuck himself.

This time, Donghyuck's not staring up at the ceiling, nor has he shoved his face into the couch cushions to block out everything. He's staring at his computer, with about fifty tabs open, trying to write another stupid essay, hoping in vain for words to appear on his screen, but he's completely lacking in both inspiration and motivation. At times like these he's wondering how the hell did he agree to sign up for this.

He rubs his eyes, and, without looking, lets his fingers smash the keys for a bit to let out at least a tiny bit of the frustration. Then he sits back, stares at the string of random symbols for a minute, and deletes it.

So much for being productive.

"Renjun!" he calls out. No answer follows, so he looks over to where the other is sitting on the floor, back resting against his bed, head craned towards his own computer, face hard with concentration as he makes careful pencil strokes on his paper.

"Injunieeee!" Donghyuck drawls out just to be extra annoying. To his disappointment, Renjun only responds by lifting a finger, telling him to wait, or as someone who's known the guy for years knows, to shut the fuck up. Donghyuck rolls his eyes.

Renjun draws a line, erases it, then draws another one and erases again, his eyebrows knitting together closer every time, his expression turning into one of part focus, part dissatisfaction. It continues for a while, and by the time he finally sits back and studies what he's made, Donghyuck's ready to desert out of boredom.

"Alright, what do you want?" Renjun says, putting his notepad away.

Donghyuck looks around, looks at his computer that's been abandoned on the floor, looks at Renjun's face, where he'd expect to find annoyance, but he doesn't, and it almost catches him off-guard, as he never really expects Renjun to show any sort of concern for him at all, and he forgets what he wanted to ask in the first place.

"Uh... I don't know?" His pitch goes up as if he's asking a question.

"Well, isn't that great. Shouldn't you get back to work?"

"Don't feel like it. It's getting really late anyway, you know there are more fun things to do at midnight than writing essays, right?"

"That's university for you, deal with it."

Donghyuck sighs, leans back and stares at the wall opposite of him. If there was ever a time when this was fun, it's long gone. Now, he's just tired of it all, with no option left for him to consider, or, more likely, no option he's willing to consider, because he's still fighting against it and he knows it.

So he ends up saying, "I want some advice."

Renjun watches him for a moment, and then closes his computer entirely. "Alright, ask away."

God, this level of attention is weird to experience, but Donghyuck pushes past it. "I just want to know how to get over it. I'm getting sick of feeling like this. Like, with you and Chenle, it seems like things are going fine. So, how do I do the same?"

Renjun hums, his face unreadable. "I thought we weren't gonna mention that again, but fine. I'll be honest, it wasn't that hard, but that's only because it was never more than a simple crush. It was pretty easy to accept that it wasn't going to work out. Your case, though..."

"What's so different about it? It's just a dead friendship I need to cut out of my life."

The deadpan look that Renjun gives Donghyuck is nothing short of legendary. One of his best, to be honest. He almost starts laughing out loud at his expression.

"Did you actually call it 'just a dead friendship'? Goddamn, Hyuck, how deep in denial are you?"

"What do you mean?" Donghyuck asks, his voice a lot quieter now.

"I- Donghyuck, have you ever, just for a second, just for once in your damn life, considered the possibility that you might actually have feelings for Mark?"

"No, not really," is his immediate response. An obvious lie.

At that, Renjun pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing heavily. "You know what? Here's your advice. Stop lying to yourself and him. Sort this whole thing out in your head and just go talk to him. That's the only way you'll ever find peace."

Donghyuck simply shakes his head. "There's nothing to sort out." More lies. He's just been locking away his feelings, not letting them escape, and the only thing he's got sorted out is the fact that this is a total mess. "Besides, he hates me now, I can't just arrange a meeting or whatever."

"Yeah, I can't imagine why," Renjun mutters under his breath. "Look, the fact that you're saying that already tells me that there's a lot you should figure out. Or maybe you could just stop being so blind. Either one works. I know you're a stubborn little bitch who apparently can't seem to ever listen to me, but maybe you should."

Donghyuck's about to fire back, but Renjun continues.

"All I want you to remember is that you weren't the only one hurt by all of this."

And suddenly it's not Renjun saying those words, but Mark, who's standing right in front of him, more pissed off than Donghyuck had ever seen him before, except this time all that anger was directed at him, at that party that Donghyuck's been trying his best to completely forget. It feels like a sledgehammer straight to his chest, leaving him frozen and nearly speechless.

"I'm going out for a walk," Donghyuck says quickly, before the memory consumes him. He leaves all his stuff behind, only grabbing his keys and phone, and dresses in a hurry to breathe some fresh air.

"Fine. Hit me up if you need anything, but if it's 4am, then don't bother me and crawl back to your room yourself," he hears Renjun saying before he shuts the door and gets out of the building as fast as he can.

Donghyuck turns right, taking deep lungfuls of the chilly air, and continues walking at a swift pace down the street, only pausing to stop at a red light that glares at him accusingly. He leans against the metal pole, watching the neon lights flash above him and the few people still awake and out on their business even at this late hour.

"Try to sort everything out," Renjun had said. If only Donghyuck didn't feel like his mind and thoughts were completely spiraling and at the same time completely blank and nonexistent.

The light turns green, and he resumes walking down that same street, seemingly heading nowhere, but still feeling deep down like there's a destination he's trying to reach. So he walks, and walks, and only when he sees vaguely familiar buildings in the distance does he realize where he's going.

That's where Mark lives.

So he immediately turns around, not even letting himself begin to question why that was the first place he thought of going to.

He walks down the street once again, in the opposite direction this time, remembering that time he'd left Mark's apartment in the middle of the night and tried to find his way home again, and the feeling of regret he attempted to suppress.

Maybe I shouldn't have left. The thought resurfaces even after all this time of ignoring it. Maybe then we wouldn't have fought.

And this time he doesn't even have the strength to get rid of it anymore.

He reaches his own dorm building, but continues walking by it, and eventually sees a much more recognizable view. The university, the coffee shop, that old park that's been standing there for as long as he can remember, eerily empty and silent at the moment, where he made so many memories with his friends, where he walked away from Mark after he'd told Donghyuck that he was leaving just because he couldn't deal with it.

He passes by without sparing it a second glance and keeps walking aimlessly, his pace speeding up with every painful remark that comes back to haunt him.

The school comes into view after a while, and he passes by it, too, trying to keep the strange anxiety at bay. He walks through the streets lined with houses, seemingly closing in on him. At this point he's not even sure whether they were always this narrow, or it's just his mind playing tricks on him. Only a few of the houses still have lights on. He could just stop here, in the middle of the road, and no one would notice. No one would know the turmoil happening in his head. There's a brief moment when he wonders if this is what a mental breakdown feels like.

No, get it together, it's not that big of a deal, he tells himself, and keeps going further.

And, of course, his instincts lead him to the same street where he grew up. At this point, he's not even surprised. It's his little safe space, the only part of the city where he ever feels truly at home, the place he knows like the back of his hand. But even that's ruined now, as he stops dead in his tracks and stares at the top of the hill, the cold glow of a streetlight illuminating it in the surrounding darkness.

Donghyuck's drawn to it like a moth in the dark as he begins to take sluggish steps up towards the light. He doesn't take his eyes off while he walks, and slowly his thoughts start to filter through, clear questions appearing as they do.

"Have you ever considered the possibility that you might have actual feelings for Mark?" Renjun's words ring through his mind.

Yes, he thinks. But it's always been pointless.

But what about all those moments you had with him, the memories you made, the times when you hoped it might actually be real? Do they really mean nothing?

The sound of a familiar, comforting laugh, the solid warmth of a slender-framed body pressed up against his own, the face of a person he's known forever glowing in the golden light of the sunset, flash in his mind. Even at this very moment they could bring a smile to his face.

It's not that they mean nothing. It's just that he never let himself read too much into it. Crushes suck. Crushes on a close friend hurt. Having feelings for a person who he once saw as his absolute best friend in this world only to see him disappear for three years, inexplicably reappear and rip up a bunch of emotional scars is simply torture.

And yet you hurt him. Every single time that he had brought the relationship to something close to normal, you walked away, and you're still wondering why he became so cold?

No. He knows he's far from perfect, but there's no way he's that horrible, right?

Right?

So he digs around for something, even just a single moment, where he can confidently say that Mark fully and truly left him behind with no hope of ever getting back in touch. But there's nothing, absolutely nothing. Even when Mark told him about the academy, it was Donghyuck who walked away first. He stepped back on that hill. He left Mark all alone in that apartment when he could have just as easily stayed. He stopped responding to the messages in his second year of high school.

"I just think you shouldn't be so quick to blame him for everything."

It all begins to make sense now.

Donghyuck stops and lets out a defeated laugh. He's standing halfway up the road, his childhood house to his left, Mark's to his right. The place where it all started, where he'd lived in bliss for fifteen years and loneliness for the final three, where he discovered that godforsaken mind-reading bullshit that eventually ruined nearly everything alongside his utter stupidity, stubbornness and selfishness.

Mark had never actually left him behind, and he was just too much of an entitled prick to realize it.

He focuses on a small rock by his feet, kicking it away and watching it skip downhill, and remains motionless until he starts feeling the cold air bite his skin. Even then, he lingers, unwilling to go home just yet, as if there's still something to be done here.

He draws up his hood to stop at least some of his body heat escaping as he walks to his front door, and unlocks it as gently and quietly as possible. His parents should be fast asleep at this late hour, but he doesn't take any chances, moving silently through the house and upstairs to his old room, and turns on the light.

Everything still looks the same as when he left, although maybe it's a bit tidier. It feels empty without the posters hanging from the walls, or the piles of papers and textbooks stacked haphazardly, about to topple over, or the constantly messed up blanket on his bed, or his clothes piled up on the chair by his desk. It's like no one ever lived here.

His eyes shift to the bottom drawer of that desk. The one he once hated looking at because of what it contained. But now, it's all that he has left.

He approaches the desk carefully, and slides the drawer open. There it is. The letter he received months ago, at the beginning of summer, right after graduation. It's still in almost perfect condition, save for that one slightly crumpled edge. He takes it in his hands, his eyes travelling over the neat line of Mark's handwriting over and over before he finally gives in and rips the envelope open, his heart speeding up with anticipation and a touch of anxiety over what he'll find, because he has no idea what to expect. A simple update? A final goodbye? The latter possibility scares him in particular.

Donghyuck,

It's been a while since we've talked. Hope you're doing well. I know, you're probably thinking why I'm using actual mail to write to you, but I just felt like it.

I ended up graduating top of my class, but, to be honest, I don't know why I put myself through that. Sure, it feels nice to achieve something like that, but for what? My parents are proud, but I'm not feeling it. They wanted me to go to some top-tier university, so you can imagine how angry they were with me when I told them that I want to return home and study there. I got it all sorted out, though, and I'm coming back in about two weeks.

But enough about me, I should get to the point. I wanted to write this letter to say the things that I wish I could have told you sooner, and probably should have, but, you know, things happened. You probably hate me now, but I get it. I know I broke a promise, and things have been rough ever since I left, and I'm sorry if I hurt you. At this point I don't even know if you want to hear from me again, but... okay, this is getting really cheesy.

What I'm trying to say is that I think I like you. As more than a friend, I mean. Of course, we've been best friends forever and I care about you regardless, but I just feel like things are different now. Maybe it's the whole growing up thing, maybe it's the fact that it's been over a year and I still can't get over it. It's all weird and confusing, and, to be honest, this isn't even anything new, I've been feeling this way for years, like, since middle school, and there have been moments when I almost thought you felt the same, but there's no way, right?

Now I'm just rambling. Not only that, but this is probably weird for you to hear. I'm sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I just thought I should be honest with you.

I'll understand if you choose to ignore this, but I hope to hear back from you sometime.

-Mark

Donghyuck rereads the letter twice more before his vision blurs and a tear manages to escape and soak into the paper.

A confession. Of all things, a confession, even after everything that happened in high school, and he completely ignored all of it for his own sake. Yet even then Mark smiled through it, greeting Donghyuck that one Friday afternoon on campus like nothing had ever happened.

And he called Mark the selfish bastard.

It's all he can do to not simply give up. Shame and regret are not strong enough words to describe the feeling that's tearing him apart. To be the betrayer of the person who has always been there for him, to keep lying to and leading on that person and still wanting to ask for forgiveness, even though he knows he doesn't deserve it, is a pathetic thing to even consider.

But, above all else, Mark deserves an apology for everything. Even if this might be the end, even if Donghyuck ends up getting shut out entirely, he needs to hear it.

So Donghyuck pockets the letter and goes on his way, back through the same streets, along the same roads, but this time with only one goal in mind.

There's a faint glow in the window of Mark's apartment, which makes Donghyuck let out a sigh of relief. This whole trip would have been worthless if Mark was asleep like a normal person. Of course, there's still the chance that it's not him, that it's Johnny or whoever else might be crashing at his apartment, and in that case, he's likely to just die, but he pushes the thought out of his head, remaining hopeful for the best.

Or whatever can be called 'the best' in this terrible situation.

Donghyuck makes it up the many flights of stairs it takes to get to the fifth floor of the building, stopping to catch his breath once he reaches Mark's door. He rings the doorbell once with no response, so he rings it again. This time he hears a shuffle, someone walking over to the door, a barely audible clink of metal, and then a strange sound, part cough, part wheeze, sending his unease into overdrive.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Yeah, that's Mark's voice, although it's rougher than usual.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"It's almost 2am, just go home. I don't want to take care of your drunk ass, too."

"No, wait- I'm not drunk, I swear. I know this is a weird time for me to be here, but I just... Fuck." He curses himself for the gibberish coming out of his mouth. "Look, I read your letter."

Donghyuck thinks he hears Mark rest against the door. "You came to my place in the middle of the night to tell me you read something I sent to you almost half a year ago?" There's an accusing tone in his voice which Donghyuck's not surprised by at all. He was already expecting it to come out sooner or later.

"Yeah. I know it's late as all hell."

"No shit, dude."

Donghyuck flinches at his words, but continues on. "And I know I should have opened it sooner."

The silence settles like a dark and heavy cloud between them.

"It's all still true, isn't it?"

It's a bad time to ask a selfish question, and he hates himself for not stopping his curiosity. Donghyuck's beginning to think Mark's gone, that he's just talking to a door like the idiot that he is, but then he hears a quiet, almost detached, "Unfortunately."

And it's the defeated tone of his voice, the pain hidden behind it, that's the final straw, the last thing Donghyuck can bear to hear before his will snaps like a branch under the pressure and he loses control over the words coming out of his mouth. "I'm sorry. For everything. For hurting you like I did. You were right, and Renjun was right too, that little..." He senselessly chuckles to himself for a second. "I was scared and angry, but... no, there's no excuse for what I did, and I know I don't deserve for you to forgive me after all this time, and all those times when I told you I'd make things right and simply left, fuck, I'm really that horrible of a friend. Just... I'm sorry, Mark."

He leans against the door, waiting and hoping for a response. Even if it's going to be Mark telling him to fuck off, he'll take it. At least Mark will have heard the apology that Donghyuck wants him to hear.

And then he hears a single muffled sob that breaks Donghyuck's heart.

His fingernails dig into his palm so hard that he should be bleeding, but the pain has nothing on the guilt that's crushing him in as he stands there, hearing the sounds behind the door slowly fade until he's listening to nothing but his own breathing and hammering heartbeat for what seems like forever.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk to me anymore. If you want me to leave and pretend like this never happened, then just say-"

"Don't."

Donghyuck hears the lock click, and the door slowly swings open. He steps back, and is immediately faced by Mark, his expression tired, his eyes shining in the dim light of the hallway. It's a heart-wrenching sight to behold, and to know that Donghyuck's to blame for it makes it that much worse.

"Mark... I-"

"I should apologize, too. It's not like I didn't make mistakes. You're right, I should have told you about me leaving, and I'm sorry about that."

Donghyuck stares at him in horror, unable to fathom why he would be saying something like that right now. "No, you have nothing to be sorry about... I was the one who broke our most important promise. I still don't understand how the hell you put up with it, with me, these last couple of months."

Mark looks down at the floor, a faint smirk appearing momentarily. "You know why. I still kept hoping."

Donghyuck knows. It's the exact same hope that has kept him going through the pain, too. It's the one of the reasons he's here right now, as horrible and selfish as that is.

"I can't believe you still think that highly of me."

"I don't. It's been almost twenty years, I've seen you at your best and your worst and everything inbetween. But at the same time, I have a thing for nostalgia, I've told you before. And do you really think I could let go of all those happy memories and the person who made them possible so easily, especially when some higher power seemingly brought us together again? You know I can't. I forgive you, Hyuck. You mean way too much to me, as my first and closest friend, and more than that. So don't keep beating yourself up about it."

Donghyuck simply stands still, completely dumbfounded, fighting to keep his emotions at bay. He expected for the door to close, for Mark to be locked away from him forever, for the only person who knows him inside and out to just give up on someone as hopeless as him.

So when Mark approaches him, arms stretched out, Donghyuck practically collapses into his warmth, his own arms wrapping around Mark's frame, desperately holding on for dear life. Donghyuck buries his face into Mark's shoulder, and he feels Mark's hand tracing small, soothing circles on his back.

The monster in his heart that he's been resisting or ignoring for weeks, months, perhaps years, finally becomes defined as a four-letter word that scares him to his core, but at the same time sets him free once he realizes it might have always been there, after all.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay," Mark whispers.

And for the first time in forever, Donghyuck actually cries, his quiet sobs echoing in the hallway as Mark holds him close and slowly soothes the pain with just his presence alone. He missed the gentle touch, the soft, welcoming voice, and it all seems like a miracle, an elusive dream he's somehow reached. He's still having a hard time believing how he could have ever hurt this person, but he doesn't want to think about it anymore.

"You're really too kind for your own good."

"Well, one of us has to be the nice one, right?"

It's enough to draw a subdued laugh out of Donghyuck, because it's true. He wipes away the last of the tears pooling in his eyes.

"So you're just letting me off the hook?"

"Of course not. I'll figure out a way to make you make up for all that lost time."

Donghyuck can't even begin to describe the relief he feels when he hears their usual friendly bickering return. It's as if he's watching that final puzzle piece finally fall into place, things finally becoming good again.

"By the way, I still haven't heard an answer from you."

"About what?"

"Well, you know by now that I have feelings for you, and you haven't taken off or called me out on it, but you still haven't responded to it." Mark pulls away slightly, looking to the side. "I mean, spin it however you want, but the whole situation is weird."

Donghyuck's taken aback for a second, but then he sees an opportunity. This is it. His one chance to make things even better, to turn them from just good to absolutely wonderful. Hopefully.

"Can we have this conversation elsewhere? I know a better place."

The air outside seems to have gotten even colder as the night has moved on, but it's a whole lot warmer with Mark by his side. It's a bit tedious having to retread the same path thrice, but the time seems to fly by as the silence and thoughts of regret have been replaced by the easy flow of a conversation, teasing remarks and laughter. It kind of hurts to think how much Donghyuck missed it, but he can't complain when he has finally gotten it back.

Somewhere at around the halfway point, their hands find one another, fingers lacing together almost naturally, and the chill becomes completely irrelevant.

It takes a while, but the two eventually make it back to their old street, stopping at the foot of the hill for a minute.

"I knew you were gonna bring me here," Mark says. "Is this really the only place that you could come up with?"

"It's meaningful. Now come on." Donghyuck nearly pulls Mark up to the top of the hill, mirroring the last time they both visited this place. This time, his mind is clear, free of the turmoil that plagued him for months, although he still feels a mild nervousness fluttering within him.

It's crazy to think that just a couple of hours ago Donghyuck was pretty much entirely losing it over his inner demons at this very same spot, but he puts it past him. It's not the time or place for such depressing thoughts.

Soon enough they reach the top, and come to a halt under the streetlight that Donghyuck tried to reach before. Its cold, stark glare mimics the moonlight that's absent tonight, hidden behind the clouds. He turns to look at Mark, and he can't help but think that, even now, bundled up against the cold, his ears turning slightly red, he still looks so beautiful. And not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. It's what gives him the flicker of courage he needs to speak.

"Look, I know it's the middle of the night and it was way more beautiful out here the last time we came, with the sunset and all, but there was something I didn't tell you that day that I probably should have. That's why I-"

A snowflake falls past his face, then another one, and another one. He feels one hit his cheek and melt almost immediately. He looks up at the sky, and sure enough, it's snowing.

"Are you kidding me?" Donghyuck exclaims.

"It's the first snow of the winter."

Donghyuck glares at the sky, a little annoyed at the distraction, seeing how it completely derailed his train of thought, but when Mark's face blooms with a bright smile as he watches the snow fall, he can't help but smile as well, and he takes Mark's other hand, turning to face him.

"Basically, what I wanted to tell you was that..." He takes a deep breath, steeling himself. "I think I love you."

Mark's eyes go wide, his face flushes, and Donghyuck feels the heartbeat under his palm speed up. He's still so goddamn adorable, Donghyuck's nearly overcome with the urge to just cuddle the guy forever.

"It took me a long time to figure it out. Way too long. A lot of denial, too, because I'm a selfish coward, but at least now I know. You're just an amazing person, and it hurt so much to see you leave, and you deserve a lot better than what I can give you. But just know that you matter to me. A lot."

Donghyuck feels his ears burning, made worse by the fact that Mark starts laughing, and for a second he's afraid Mark's not taking him seriously, that he's going to tell him-

"Jesus, Hyuck, when did you get so soft?"

"Shut up, your letter was also all mushy and stuff." Donghyuck's lips curl into a slight pout, but it melts away when Mark puts his hand on his shoulder and smiles gently.

"I just didn't think I'd actually hear that from you."

Donghyuck feels his heart racing, and pure instinct is what guides him when he pulls Mark closer, his hands travelling to Mark's waist, although one slowly reaches up to cup Mark's jaw with a feather-like touch, his eyes never leaving him the entire time. It's hard to believe that his wildest dream has become a reality that he's holding in his arms.

He gently traces Mark's jawline with his thumb, then the skin just under his bottom lip, his eyes following the movement. Mark at first tenses, but then relaxes under the touch, a quiet sigh escaping him. For a moment, Donghyuck notices Mark's eyes flicking down as well, and it encourages him to move even closer, their faces only inches apart.

"Can I?" Donghyuck says, his voice barely above a whisper. Mark nods, and takes Donghyuck's breath away when he leans in first.

It's slow and careful, and Donghyuck's mind goes blank. The last thought that makes its way through his mind is just how lucky he truly is to have Mark in his life. He kisses him back, letting out all the feelings he could never put into words, and it's quite possibly the best thing that he's ever felt.

When they both part, Donghyuck takes the moment to gaze into Mark's eyes, and starts to feel the same warm, deliriously happy feeling that took over him last time, but now he embraces it. There's nothing stopping him anymore.

"I love you too, Hyuck," Mark murmurs, a small smile appearing on his lips before Donghyuck leans in to kiss him again. Hearing those words means everything to him, and he hopes that, after everything he's been through, the happiness won't leave him this time.

The golden days of the past are over. Today, under the snowfall, is their new beginning.