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Something cracked inside when Steve left.
It felt like it was Bucky’s heart. He’d forgotten he really had one. What a time to remember.
Tears hovered, blurry, in his eyes as he watched Bruce frantically fiddle with the time machine, as Sam spoke in a voice tinged with fear. Sam hadn’t known this was going to happen.
Bucky had.
Steve had thought he was doing Bucky a favor, telling him beforehand. He was going back to marry Peggy. He wanted Bucky to come with him.
Bucky couldn’t. He couldn’t live in his past. He didn’t belong there. But he belonged with Steve, and without Steve he didn’t belong in the future either. But he couldn’t go back, he couldn’t watch Steve be in love with someone else.
Because Bucky was in love with him.
Bucky felt his knees hit the ground, felt his vision become too blurry to see out of. Felt wetness on his cheeks. He felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder, heard him say rather frantically,
“Bucky? Buck, man, can you hear me? It’s going to be ok, we’re going to get him back, okay? Just stay with me.”
No it wasn’t ok.
Steve wasn’t coming back. Bucky was alone.
Bucky pulled it together for all of four days.
He had indulged himself back at the time machine after Steve left, with Sam holding him close, he’d let out broken sounds that weren’t even sobs. But, once he’d run out of tears, he’d straightened his spine, hugged Sam, and pretended that he believed Steve would be brought back.
Steve, of course, hadn’t come back. And for four days, Bucky had held his fragile emotions together, explaining dully what he knew to Bruce and Sam, and then disappearing to his quarters for the rest of the time. He considered it a remarkable feat that he got out of bed at all.
Then, Bucky dreamed about Steve. He dreamed about requited feelings, about their own white picket fence, about undying love. About his Stevie.
When he woke, when he realized he was alone, his heart broke fully.
He didn’t get out of bed that day. Not for five days after.
He managed to make an excuse to Sam and the others over text, saying that he needed time to himself. They would have no clue about his reality. Not now at least.
He finally dragged himself out of bed on the sixth day, super soldier body no longer able to go without food. He made himself go outside as well, figuring it might clear his mind.
He didn’t plan on running into Sam.
Sam took one look at him-Bucky supposed that five days in bed had made him look seriously rough-and took him back to Sam’s place, sitting him down and getting him food. Then he sat down opposite him and looked Bucky in the eye.
“Talk to me, Barnes. I know it’s rough, Steve leaving, but this? Something’s more deeply wrong than that.”
Bucky stared at his food, trying to work up the courage to say it. He wanted to talk to someone, and Sam was kind. But when he’d grown up, you got arrested or worse for something like this.
‘It’s not like that now.’ he thought to himself. He looked up at Sam briefly and forced the words past his lips.
“I love him.” A pause, a poignant pause. “I love him and he left me.” ‘For her,’ he added mentally. But looking up at Sam, Bucky knew that the Falcon knew anyway.
“Did he know?” Sam finally asked, a grim look on his face. Bucky shook his head.
“Not unless he’s a mind reader. He might, at that. But I never told him.” Pause. “He wanted me to come back with him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t see him with-“ he forced himself to stop.
Sam stood and came around to Bucky’s side of the table, sitting on the chair next to him and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
So he did. Bucky told how he had loved Steve ever since he knew what the word meant, his crisis when he realized exactly HOW much he had loved Steve, the fruitless attempts to date, the fear and guilt in the trenches. How in his fall from the train, he thought he had deserved it for loving his male best friend in that way.
How in Hydra, even when they had taken his identity and memories, sometimes he would wake up crying wordlessly for someone who he didn’t know. How when he came out of cryo, in his most lucid state, he would want to reach for someone who wasn’t there. How he’d spent his time in Romania learning that homosexuality was ok now, that legally it was ok to love Stevie.
But how he’d felt too certain that Steve would never love him back. Then Civil War had happened, and then being dusted and brought back, and then Steve leaving. Even then, he’d been paralyzed with fear that the last look Steve would give him was disgust, so he couldn’t even tell him then. And now, he couldn’t live without him.
Sam held him, not in a bro “no homo insistent” hug but in a truly comforting hug, as Bucky poured out his heart. After he was finished, they sat in silence for a while, before Bucky sat up from the embrace and swiped his hand over his wet face.
Sam finally spoke. “You know, Bruce says that the portal is still holding a time stamp for him. He could still come-“
“No.” Bucky bit out harshly, not able to allow himself futile hope. “He’s not coming back, Sam. He made his choice.”
Sam put a hand on his shoulder and they sat there in silence for a while longer, until Sam’s phone buzzed. He looked at it, and his jaw dropped.
“You’re not gonna believe this.” He looked up at Bucky. “Bruce says the portal is opening again.”
Bucky couldn’t even comprehend that. “What-what does that mean?”
Sam looked him straight in the eye. “It means Steve might just be coming back after all.”
Bucky was still in shock as they drove their way to the portal site. Steve couldn’t be coming back. He couldn’t. He’d gone to be with Peggy. Maybe he was coming back as an old man, to say goodbye before he died.
Bucky couldn’t even think about that. But what else could it be?
They arrived at the portal and Sam jumped out of the truck, hurrying towards the time machine. Bucky followed more slowly, unable to comprehend what he was seeing.
It was Steve.
Steve was talking to Bruce. Steve was turning and hugging Sam. Steve was...he was turning to look at Bucky.
Time froze as blue eyes met grey. Bucky couldn’t move forward. This couldn’t be real...what was happening?
Then Steve was running towards him. He was right in front of him, sweeping Bucky into a tight hug. Even in his shock, Bucky lifted his own arms to return it.
“Bucky!” Steve was talking quickly, a note of relief in his voice. “Oh thank God, I thought you’d be back in Wakanda and it would’ve taken me so much longer to...to find you. I’m so glad you’re still here.”
Bucky was still struck dumb, mumbling out, “You came back.” Then everything hit him at once and he took a step back, Steve letting him go reluctantly. “You came back. Why?” Now that the shock was wearing off, he was feeling strangely disoriented.
Steve bit his lip awkwardly. “I couldn’t leave you after all.”
Inexplicably, a rush of anger hit Bucky. He bit out, “Things didn’t work out with Peggy, did they?” With Steve reeling from the anger in his tone, Bucky snapped out words he didn’t even know he had. “So you leave me when you have a chance with the girl, but come back only cause you didn’t have anyone else to run to once it didn’t go your way? What the hell, Steve?” Bucky could feel tears brimming in his eyes and that just made him angrier.
To his surprise, Steve started shaking his head almost immediately with a look of anguish. “Oh God, no Bucky, that’s not what...” he trailed off and ran a hand through his hair. Bucky wrapped his arms around himself protectively. He and Steve were the same height and close to the same size, but in the moment he felt so much smaller than the blond Adonis in front of him.
“Bucky,” Steve started over, waiting until Bucky’s grey eyes met Steve’s blue ones. “I never saw Peggy.”
Bucky stared at him, not knowing what to say, and Steve went on. “I kinda did, through the window when I put the tesseract back, but she never even knew I was there.”
“But,” Bucky started, having no clue how to unpack that statement. “You went back for her.”
“I did.” Steve closed his eyes briefly. “But when I saw her, through the window...it didn’t feel right. Didn’t feel like I expected, like everything was finally right in my life.” Bucky felt a stab of pain at the idea that he hadn’t given Steve that feeling. Maybe Steve saw it, because he hurried on, “I didn’t know why, so I stayed in a motel nearby. I wanted to figure it out before I saw her. I didn’t know why this was happening. But then I figured it out.”
Steve reached into a pocket of his uniform and pulled out a photo, handing it to Bucky. Bucky’s throat closed up. It was of him, from the 1940s, before he’d shipped out. Another photo was placed in his hand. It was of Steve and him, taken after the splitting of the avengers. Despite everything, they looked happy. He looked up at Steve, not understanding.
“I wanted to ask you what to do. You always knew what to do. But you weren’t there, so I brought these out and looked at them, hoping that somehow, I’d know then. And I did, just not the way I expected. See, when I saw those, I remembered all our times together. All of them, all the memories we had. I remembered you, every bit of you I know. And I realized, that I left that missing piece behind when I left you. You were the right thing in my life, Buck. Not Peggy, you.”
Bucky couldn’t grasp this, not yet. It didn’t fit. “If I was...then why’d you leave?”
“Because I was stupid to leave you. I knew it already, I think, somewhere inside of me. But I realized then, what I should’ve realized much sooner. I never needed Peggy, Buck. Or anyone else. Because I had you. For every area of my life, if I’d asked.”
Wait. What, was he saying...
“Before I say anything else though, Bucky. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left you, I’m sorry I ignored the pain in your eyes when I left you, when I told you why I was leaving. I’m sorry I didn’t see the pain that I know was there now, back in 1945. And even before, I suppose. I’m sorry that all I’ve done is hurt you, simply because I was too blind to see that all I ever wanted was waiting right here for me.”
Bucky was crying openly, but for once, he didn’t care.
“I love you, Buck. In every way I can. As my best friend, my closest ally, and my lover-if you’ll accept me. I think I always knew, in a way, but just couldn’t see it. It took me going back in time to see it. But when I thought of your eyes when I told you I was leaving, when I thought of the broken pain I’d seen, I thought just maybe, you might feel the same. I know I’ve hurt you more than can be forgiven, I know I don’t deserve this chance. But if I’m right, Bucky, about you even possibly feeling the same...can I try to prove myself to you?”
Bucky didn’t even know what to say. In just an hour, though really within the last ten days as well, his world had been flipped upside down. Yes, of course he wanted Steve. There was no doubt in his mind about that. But...he wasn’t sure he could be hurt again.
Steve let him think, even removing his hands from his shoulders to give him space. Bucky appreciated it, even if he missed the touch. He walked a feet away and stared out across the field near the cabin, his mind wrestling with itself. He loved Steve. And Steve couldn’t lie to save his life, so he had to be telling the truth. But he wasn’t sure he could risk the hurt.
A hand settled on his back and he looked up. Sam was standing there, a small, understanding smile on his face.
“You doing ok?”
Bucky shrugged. “Yes. No. I don’t know.”
“Do you need to talk it out?” Good old counselor Sam, there for everyone. Bucky loved the guy. Steve might have to share the best friend title.
“I think he means it. Do you think he means it?” Bucky knew Bruce and Sam had heard everything.
“It’s not about what I think.”
“Sam.”
“Fine. Personally, yes. But it’s still your decision.”
Bucky turned to face Sam fully, knowing that the Falcon might just be able to sort out his feelings for him. “I love him. I do want him, but. I’m not sure I can handle any more pain.”
Sam frowned and nodded slowly as he thought that through. “I understand. Ask yourself this, what will bring you more pain? The, I personally think admittedly slim, possibility this won’t work? Or never trying at all.”
Bucky knew there wasn’t a choice, even after thinking in silence for a few minutes. And the way Sam was looking at him, he knew too. They turned and walked back to Steve, who looked up like someone trying not to hope too much. Sam placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder before rejoining Bruce and said in dead seriousness,
“You hurt him again, you’ll have to deal with all of us. And that won’t be pretty. At all. So take care of him.”
Steve nodded solemnly. “I will.”
When Sam moved on, Bucky looked at Steve nervously, who was waiting silently, hesitantly. Bucky slowly nodded as he moved closer, and he found himself wrapped up in Steve’s arms again. He relaxed into the tight yet gentle hold, knowing he had made the right choice.
“We...” he had to clear his throat before trying to speak again. “We can try. I want to try.” Softly. “I want you.”
Steve squeezed him, a touch of promise and lingering regret for his actions, and then gently kissed Bucky’s cheek, letting him take the lead for anything more. Whispering, “I love you” as his lips brushed soft skin.
Bucky turned his head and caught Steve’s lips in a kiss, an action he’d wanted to since he was twelve years old and confused about love. At the touch, his heart sang, and his body felt more alive-more his-than it ever had before. Steve returned the kiss earnestly, continuing to hold him close. When they broke apart, Steve whispered again,
“God, I love you so much, Bucky.”
Bucky felt his heart swell in joy-pure, unadulterated joy-as he whispered back, “I love you too, Stevie.”
Six months later....
Bucky woke up to the feeling of lips pressing against his forehead. He smiled and looked up at his boyfriend, who was leaning over him with an affectionate smile on his face and in his eyes.
“Morning, Stevie.” Bucky said softly, relishing the feeling of love coursing through him, and the pride he felt at it.
“Morning my love. I bring you gifts.” With that, Steve deposited his bearings before Bucky, handing him a mug of hot chocolate. Breakfast was pastries from their favorite shop, cheese eggs and bacon, and a fruit bowl to share. The last three Steve must’ve snuck around quietly to make for his sleeping boyfriend.
“Awe baby.” Bucky didn’t even try to keep the adoration out of his expression, it would’ve been fruitless anyway. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“But I wanted to. I have all this free time now that I’m retired. I’m going to spend it on you.” Steve settled next to him with his own serving of breakfast.
Letting it go, Bucky started to dig in. “Sam still coming by today?”
“Yep, says he needs a break from being me. I really think he just wants to make weird noises during our PDA again.”
“Probably.” Bucky smiled as Steve brings his vibranium left hand, which was thankfully not holding Bucky’s fork, up to kiss it, kissing the bare fourth finger, where they all knew one day a ring would rest. The kiss was a promise, one Steve gave to Bucky every morning. “I love you Stevie.”
Steve’s lips curved into a smile where they were still touching Bucky’s finger and he leaned in to kiss his boyfriend. “Til the end of the line, Buck. I’m never letting go.”
“Til the end of the line, Stevie.”