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“Do you live alone, Tomioka?”
“Yes, I do.”
The man in question gestured for Sanemi to take off his shoes and came in to his house, a modest, ordinary house on the street going up toward the hill, facing the sea. The interior was not too tidy with stacks of books and paper near an old radio and a basket full of clean clothes that weren’t folded yet. Hanged from the ceiling in the middle, a small electric lamp illuminated the whole room yellow.
The black haired man was turning on the coal heater when Sanemi noticed a framed monochrome photograph on top of a wooden shelf near the entrance door. It was a photograph of Tomioka and a woman in pretty camellia patterned kimono. Sanemi’s fingers was dirty with grey dust when he tried to inspect it.
“Where’s your wife?”
“She left, back with her parents.”
“She remarried some other man?”
Giyuu shook his head. “I don’t know. We are practically divorced now, so I live alone. Please seat yourself here, I’m sorry I’m not able to offer you dinner other than tea rice.”
“Ah, that would be fine by me. I’m the one imposing on you, after all.”
Sanemi quietly watched Giyuu preparing two bowls of rice topped with pickles and seaweed, then boiled water in a small kettle for tea. It seemed like he could do everything with relative ease, despite only his left hand remained. Every single movement he made, every single tinkling and clanking sound and the warmth of this house felt so unreal to Sanemi.
He was crying on the street upon seeing Giyuu again, tears falling down his cheek without him being able to do anything to stop it. The rush of emotions and flashbacks were painful inside his head, hurting like a thousand needles and he threw up right there on the sidewalk. Of course Tomioka was the first one to react, making sure he was fine, but of course he wasn’t. The black haired man gave him water and handkerchief, and asked him to rest at his house. Sanemi just nodded and followed him without any question.
He calmed down already by the time they reached Giyuu’s house. The fresh smell of saltwater in the breeze quickly easen the pain in his head and chest, but the photograph on top of the wooden shelf made Sanemi’s heart dropped. Then, almost as quick, unbelievable relief washed through him when Giyuu explained about his ex-wife. Sanemi didn’t realize he was still able to experience feelings this strong, remnants from his distant past he didn’t know still exist.
So he was extremely grateful when Giyuu just nonchalantly offered him dinner. Giyuu’s infamous flat expression which often annoyed him so much back then was familiar and comforting now, something Sanemi would never imagine.
Giyuu sat across the table, then poured steaming hot green tea to their bowl.
“Do you still like simmered salmon and daikon?” asked Sanemi. Warmth filled his stomach and chest along with the hot tea rice.
“Of course. But it’s getting difficult to get good salmon nowadays.”
“Just simmered daikon, then?”
Both of them smiled at each other.
The black haired man gestured to the bowl on his hand. “This will have to do for now. I really wish I have some ohagi to celebrate our reunion.”
“You still remember my favorite food.”
“Well, after I was so hellbent on luring you into friendship with that, of course I remember. I’m thankful for Tanjiro for telling me about it.”
There it was again, sad nostalgic smile on Giyuu’s lips, although Sanemi was sure he smiled the same way. Hearing the name of the boy who saved and pushed all of them to kill Kibutsuji Muzan and survive sure brought back memories. The Demon Slaying Corps won the battle, but at what cost? So many of them was dead or crippled including themselves, their 25th birthday was anticipated with dread, and even though they realized they could overcome the ‘curse’, traumas were still haunting them from behind while threat of war was waiting in near future.
Only few survived and alive from their fight with Muzan, then using their remaining power to scour the country, annihilating the rest of the remaining demons once and for all. In hundred years, for the first time, no threatening inhuman creature lurks the night to prey on human. For the first time, peace fell upon them, even though only temporary.
So naturally, the Demon Slaying Corps was unneeded and unnecessary. It was difficult for them, being that. As Demon Slaying Corps they were ready to give their life to kill demons and save humanity. They never thought long and hard about living since they were pretty sure they could die anytime, anywhere. They never thought they could liberate this country from demon’s terror, and survive to welcome peaceful, demonless days. Most of them did not know what to do, and even though they had their own residence, it was not in their nature to live an idyllic, peaceful life.
Ubuyashiki family promised to still support the member of the corps who were not able to support themselves and employ some of them in their regular business, but Kiriya was still a child with two younger sister to take care of. With Muzan dead, he refused to continue Ubuyashiki bloodline and chose to rest. Kiriya gave the same freedom for corps member to chose their own fate, pillars were not exception.
It didn’t take long for them to decide what to do with their lives. One by one said farewell and left for their next journey of life, they got married, they joined army, they had children and worked a new job. The Kamado siblings, now all human again, went on a journey with the rest of their peers, Agatsuma, that boar boy, and Kocho’s little sister. Sanemi didn’t know what children that age was going to do, but all they had was each other.
Iguro welcomed Kanroji as his wife and they took care of the Ubuyashiki children together. Uzui went back on living as ninja, trying to revive the clan with his wives. Himejima went back to being an monk while operating his own orphanage with the help of Sayo. Giyuu was still staying back when Sanemi finally decide to leave.
Their bowl were gradually emptied while they were talking about the people from past and present. This was one of the thing that felt surreal. His relationship with Tomioka Giyuu was strained and it was really hard for them to simply sit down and talk like a friend, but now their conversation just flowed like river.
Giyuu took their empty bowl to his small kitchen to clean. There were only silence on the room as the city around them slumber. But Sanemi was merely a traveler for now.
“Tomioka--”
“Shinazugawa, would you want to spend a night here?”
Sanemi blinked, didn’t expect Giyuu to cut him before he could say anything. The black haired man’s invitation sounded heavy, as if he was trying to make Sanemi said yes without sounding too hopeful. Giyuu stepped back from the kitchen, and this time Sanemi could see the man smile. A real smile. Not unlike his smug smile when he was still trying to coax him into eating together, but this time, much softer. Who would knew that the day Giyuu be able to ask him a straightforward invitation will come.
Sanemi smiled as an answer.
Giyuu prepared hot bath in his small bathroom, slid a pair of fresh kimono for nightwear when Sanemi still soaking in the hot water. The black haired man took the bath after him, leaving a pair of futon laid out in the middle of the room. Sanemi stood beside those futon, holding his breath. To be honest with himself, he really didn’t expect he would meet one of the closest corps member to him in his life now and end the night like this. He always thought he would run away if he ever meet one of them, thinking his past would definitely back to haunt him on his face. It did. It really did, but as chaotic and scary it was, he was-, he might be able to lay it down before him and slowly talk it out. With Giyuu.
“Are you not comfortable with the sleeping arrangement?” Giyuu asked from behind him while closing the door to the back hallway. He already dressed in a light blue sleeping kimono, complementing the soft gleam of his eyes. Sanemi shook his head.
“No, it’s fine by me. It’s just, if back then you told me we would be sleeping in one room side by side without making a fuss like this, I wouldn’t believe you.”
Giyuu chuckled. “We really are grown ups now.”
Lights out. Sanemi crawled into his warm comforting futon. Giyuu did the same right beside him, only the sound of their rustling blanket was heard between them. Sanemi threw up on the streetside few hours ago, but now he was laying down, feeling calm already. The black haired man might just took him here and kind of forcing him to rest, and they would separate again tomorrow, going on living their own way, never again one in a million chance they would meet on the street like this afternoon....
As if.
“Hey, Tomioka.”
“Hm?”
“What are you doing now? I mean, for a living.”
“I’m a school teacher. Junior high. Literature.”
Sanemi turned his head to his side, trying to look at the man laying down beside him even though the darkness only allowed him to see the outline of Giyuu’s face.
“Are you kidding me? You? Teaching? Literature nonetheless?”
“Do you think I’m not cut as a teacher?”
“Well, it’s kind of unimaginable remembering what an airhead you were. What made you left, though? I thought you would stay and work for oyakata-sama,” asked Sanemi curiously.
Giyuu stayed silent for some times. Sanemi kept his eyes on the silhouette of the man’s face. Even though he couldn’t see his expression, but at least he knew he wasn’t made the man upset with his question.
“I was...lonely? It might be embarassing, but seeing Kanroji and Iguro, living their life as newlywed, taking care of oyakata-sama and his little sisters like their own children.... I have no place there. I could just ask for a job at one of his business, but it didn’t feel right. And you...you already left too.”
Sanemi blinked. “What did I have to do with it?”
This time it was Giyuu who turned his body to the side. His eyes gleamed bluish, deeper and darker than Sanemi remembered, staring straight at him. He could feel the heat emanating from Giyuu’s body, too close, too unfamiliar, but he didn’t move or flinch away.
“Do you remember? I asked you to stay with us, with oyakata-sama too. I thought you, of all people, will stay. You really respect and love oyakata-sama and his siblings, but if they can’t tell you to stay, then neither can’t I,” Giyuu said softly. “To be honest, I didn’t know what to do. Everything didn’t feel right and I had no place where I belong anymore. But when you still stayed back, at least there’s something familiar, there’s someone whose been through the same thing as me and survived. Both of us.”
“You still chased me around with your ohagi at that time, like before.”
“And you still avoid me. But that’s nothing new, and that’s precisely what I wanted. This change…it scared me,” Giyuu whispered. Each of his words sounded more hushed than before. “You said to oyakata-sama that Genya wanted you to find your own happiness, and you’ll be pursuing it on your own. I thought it was really admirable but… I didn’t want to be left behind like that…”
This time both of them fell into silence, but their eyes never left each other. Sanemi knew very well what Giyuu meant, because he definitely felt it too, but he never thought there was one person who took his life story closer to their home. His mind was full of his own anguish and regret, even until moments ago, he thought he never have time and capacity to think, or bear another person’s feeling. Giyuu’s blatant confession smashed that wall into pieces, and the night hadn’t even over yet. That man surely did a lot more growing up than him.
Sanemi stretched out his hand to ruffle Giyuu’s hair, to the latter’s surprise.
“And have you find your own happiness? Somewhere in your marriage maybe? Or in your cute students? Your teaching career?” Sanemi asked with lighter tone, though Giyuu still stared at him with his somber expression.
“I don’t think I do. I mean, I’m living well enough now, and being needed by people again definitely feels nice, but there’s something I really wanted to try.”
“Why don’t you try it, then?”
The black haired man smiled, then took one of Sanemi’s hand from his hair and brought it to cup his cheek. The blue glint on his eyes disappeared as he slowly closed his eyes, leaning his face to Sanemi’s palm.
“I am now. I just got the chance.”
That night Giyuu slept while holding Sanemi's palm to his cheek, clinging tight like a child to their mother. The position was uncomfortable, but Sanemi couldn't sleep anyway. They stopped talking after Giyuu closed his eyes in that exact position and quickly fell asleep. He used his thumb to slowly caress Giyuu's cheek.
It was too obvious, God. All Sanemi knew about Giyuu was that man could be both the most ambiguous or straightforward person, sometimes at the same time. But his last words before he fell asleep was obvious. Sanemi could see the twinkle in Giyuu’s eyes light again. It was him Giyuu wanted, waited. A second chance thrown by life who took pity on them.
Sanemi purposefully tried to avoid Giyuu and the other before he left back then. He knew they would be sad and he didn’t want to add that to his own burden. He knew his departure would be difficult for himself and the people he left, but he couldn’t stay either. Everyone could see his promise to find his own happiness was firm, but only him knew how tiny and fragile it was.
He gazed closely on Giyuu’s dark strands of hair, falling softly on his serene expression.
How could he tell this man how messy his life was after he decided to separate from oyakata-sama?
Sure after some travelling he could secure a job at a Tokyo-based trading company who handles imported goods, thanks to Ubuyashiki’s family networking, so he didn’t have to worry about being penniless. He already sold his residence and land given by oyakata-sama and gave the money to Himejima’s orphanage.
From the outside he seemed pretty much well off. He could afford to live in a nice room in a big city like Tokyo, always wearing western style tailored suit because that was what his job demand. His manner was gentlemanly, a well respected member of society.
But no one knew how much he had to threw himself under the influence of alcohol and tobacco whenever he couldn’t immerse himself in his job to escape from the haunting guilt and regret like a thousand pair of black hands. He despised his days off and the darkness welcoming him every time he got back from his job to his room at night. He was lucky he got to spend most of his working time travelling from cities to cities, meeting new people he didn’t have to let into his personal life, occupying restless inns and intoxicate himself to sleep. But no matter how heavy and painful his chest, his aching head refused to spill tears like it had already dried out on the battle of infinity fortress.
No one realized the man named Shinazugawa Sanemi they knew was just this hollow shell in shallow facade appropriate enough for basic social interaction. No one knew he was hanging on the edge between life and death a couple of times, desperately clawing for a footing, torn between wanting to put an end of the gnawing sadness and wanting to give some hope to Genya’s wish for him.
In the end Genya’s wish for him always prevailed. ‘I want you to not die’, ‘I want you to be happy’ . He managed to stay alive, but the word ‘happiness’ now felt like a burden for someone as undeserving as him, digging an even deeper pit of guilt, like a never ending game of chasing tail.
The ‘happiness’ he wished upon Genya was a simple one, growing up, fall in love, nurturing a loving family, then aging together with his most treasured person. Sanemi couldn’t even see himself belong to that kind of happiness. He simply never wish of it upon himself and he already forgot the feeling since after his family was slaughtered by his mother who turned into demon, since Masachika died. He swore he would never seek for happiness until Kibutsuji Muzan is killed, but now the demon progenitor was dead and Sanemi realized he couldn’t seek it himself. Well, at least he was alive, exactly like Genya’s wish.
But were you really never that happy, niichan?
Sanemi held his breath. His eyes wide open. It’s as if he heard Genya’s voice from the corner of his mind. Not the deeper, manlier voice of Genya he heard after the boy reached his teenage, but younger, smaller Genya, hand on his back, innocently questioning but relentlessly demanding for an answer.
He pulled his hand away from Giyuu, clutching tight on his own aching head. The answer was clear, but apparently this little Genya was never satisfied. Repeated questions, unaccepted answers, chasing him, running in circles. Little Genya had black hands, tearing his body in half, then putting it back together, then asking the same question. Over and over and over, sinking deeper.
Don’t lie to yourself, niichan. It’s really close. Stop running away.
“Shinazugawa?”
A husky, worried voice called out to him, interrupting Genya’s voice from the depth of his mind, a deeper one who had never talked to him before.
“Shinazugawa, are you alright? Come on, look at me. Can you feel my hands?”
That voice was firm but gentle, invading his sense along with a warm hand prying his own hands from his head. He could finally see and feel his own fingers squeezed tightly inside those warm fingers. Tomioka’s hand. He wasn’t alone.
“Sorry. Sorry, I woke you up,” Sanemi apologized. “I’m alright now. Don’t worry.”
Giyuu smiled. He stretched one of his hand to wipe Sanemi’s damp cheek. “I understand.”
Just hearing that two words made Sanemi took the deepest breath for the first time in years. His body never forgot, his chest immediately warmed up, like bellowing almost dying embers in a furnace.
Giyuu lifted his own blanket and pulled Sanemi closer to his chest this time and wrapped his left hand around his neck.
“Sleep, Shinazugawa. I’ll be right here.”
Once again silence befall both of them. Giyuu’s chest rose and fell regularly, in rhyme with his heartbeat, beating loudly right on Sanemi’s ear. He slowly put his hands on Giyuu’s back and holding the man tighter, soaking in his presence, his warmth, his slightly sweaty smell, comforting in it’s familiarity.
Even though he never really close with Giyuu back then because, well, he could really said some rude or embarrassing stuff and he swore he hated that man's stand offish and cold attitude sometimes, but he never once considered Giyuu ‘not a friend’. In fact, Sanemi always found himself wanting to look after him, trying to include him, thinking of him as his equal, and he hated seeing that man distancing himself from other pillar for whatever reason.
The way he found out that feeling was actually reciprocated through some embarrassing ohagi bribes was some moments of life he really enjoyed, but this is a secret Sanemi would bring to his grave.
Was this the answer of little Genya’s question? Even though demons was still rampaging, but the accompaniments of his fellow pillar, his fellow demon slaying corps, and the usual, almost daily shenanigans of this man named Tomioka Giyuu rage baiting him, did resemble something like happiness.
Surprisingly, that soft feeling never left him completely. As he lift his face up to see Giyuu’s face that night, he thought maybe there was still something left of him, something he could genuinely put his hope on to fulfill and release him from that wish at the same time.
And for the first time in fifteen years, Sanemi slept like a baby.
Morning came in the form of warm sunlight on his cheek and savory aroma on the air. Sanemi’s eyes were still heavy from tears and slumber, but he sat down and found the futon beside him empty. Must be in the kitchen. He walked half asleep, relied on his nose to follow the delicious smell.
The kitchen was warm, lively. A kettle sang on the stove, an orange tabby cat came to eat fish near the back door, a pot filled with bubbling stew stirred regularly by a black haired man. Sanemi wanted to call him, but Giyuu turned his head and called him first with a soft smile.
“Good morning, Shinazugawa. Do you want a cup of tea?”
He held his breath at the simplicity of the scene. He wanted this, God, he wanted this simple yet genuine greetings every morning for the rest of his life, something as simple as what he wished for Genya.
The hands that dragged him down would never let him escape, Sanemi knew that very well. His family’s shadow and Genya’s voice would never leave his dream until the day he died. But at least this time, he also really wanted to actually give happiness a go.
Sanemi outstretched his hands and embraced Giyuu’s waist from behind, resting his chin comfortably on Giyuu’s shoulder. The other man didn’t flinch at all by their sudden proximity, only resting the chopstick he held into a small plate, then reached back to stroke Sanemi’s head.
“Still sleepy?”
Sanemi shook his head. “Can’t wait for breakfast. I’ll make the tea myself.”
“Help yourself, then. The tea canister is on the shelf there. Breakfast will be ready in a bit.”
“I don’t want to let go now,” Sanemi grumbled, a little bit surprised finding himself being selfish. Giyuu patted Sanemi’s arms on his waist.
“Then you don’t have to.”
So Sanemi really didn’t let go of Giyuu’s waist until they finished preparing breakfast. They ate their meal, a simple simmered daikon, in silence, but their eyes wouldn’t stop leaving each other’s gaze. The reality that they could finally sit and eat together just dawned on Sanemi. Without anything to say he could feel the other man’s presence even stronger. It’s really Tomioka Giyuu, a man he had always admire, his equal, his comrade, someone he could trust, someone who understood, someone he had always care about.
Hey, Genya. Is it okay for niichan to try to see a little sunlight?
***