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“So you, uh… you want to transition? Is that it?”
Ymir rubbed a hand over her face in irritation and released an exasperated breath. “No, fuck!” She clenched her hands into fists, which were nestled warmly in her pockets, and lowered her head to stare down at her shoes. “I mean… I’m like mostly sure I don’t want a dick, it’s just…” She grappled for something to say, to put words to the strange tightness in her chest and the reason for her slight panic.
“Ymir,” Historia said and stopped walking to gently touch Ymir’s cheek. “If you don’t feel that you are in the wrong body, then what do you mean?”
Ymir averted her eyes and walked on, not waiting to see if Historia would follow and not immediately replying. She started to regret hesitantly confessing her strange feelings to her girlfriend. It really was incredibly difficult to explain to someone, especially since they weren’t in her head. Not even Ymir was quite sure what she was feeling and what it meant.
“I just… I get this, like this weird feeling sometimes like I want to dress like a guy and pretend to be one. I don’t want to actually be one. Shit, this is hard to explain.” She had known that was would probably happen, but it was difficult dealing with this feeling on her own. It wasn’t something that constantly plagued her, though. She only felt this way a very few times, but it happened and that concerned her.
Ymir had no way to define what she was feeling and she felt slightly panicked. What was she, really?
“So you don’t want to be a guy on the inside, but you just feel like you want to look like one on the outside?”
Ymir paused suddenly and looked at Historia with lifted brows and surprised eyes. “That… I think that’s exactly it. How do you do that?”
Historia giggled and slipped her hand into Ymir’s pocket to pull her hand out and intertwine their fingers. They were in Ymir’s neighbourhood, walking around aimlessly since Ymir had nervously asked to talk about something serious.
“I think I get it. So what would you like to do?”
“What do you mean?”
Historia lightly bumped Ymir with her hip. “Would you like to dress like a guy and pretend to be my boyfriend?”
Ymir laughed outright. “And how could I do that? Everyone here knows me, and shit, my family would freak out. I don’t tell people about this because they immediately assume I’m trans or something.”
“Even if you were trans, I’d still love you Ymir.”
Ymir’s worried frown fell away to a smile. “I’m not though,” she said but she smiled happily at the notion and wound an arm around Historia’s shoulders to pull her in closer.
“Hey, how about we go to that frozen yogurt place and talk more about this feeling you have?”
“Can’t we just like, drop it now?” Ymir absently rubbed at her chest, where it was aching with anxiety.
Historia studied Ymir’s newly worried face with concern, and then she nodded lightly and leaned upwards to give Ymir a warm, loving hug. “Okay sweetheart, if that’s what you need then we’ll drop the topic.”
“Thanks babe,” Ymir said, returning the hug with just as much warmth. She didn’t let go for a long amount of time, mainly trying to swallow her tears down before they separated and Historia noticed them. She couldn’t describe the feelings swimming in her chest. It was fear and relief and frustration all mixed into one. It made tears burn her eyes, but the sensation soon faded and Ymir was able to let Historia go with a soft throat-clear. She took Historia’s smaller hand and then smiled down at her.
“So, frozen yogurt?”
XxX
Ymir’s heart beat erratically with both excitement and fear. The emotions weren’t all that powerful, but they were enough to make her inhale deeply to calm herself. She was standing in her bedroom, seconds away from stepping in front of the full-length mirror she had against the wall. Historia was somewhere in the room too, Ymir wasn’t exactly sure where. Even though she was excited, Ymir was mainly unsure.
“Historia… should I really be doing this?”
Historia, who had in fact been circling Ymir’s tall form to appreciate her appearance, nodded to herself in satisfaction and then she looked up sharply and gave Ymir’s jean-clad backside a swift slap.
“No backing out now!” she warned. “It’s taken a month to convince you and we are finally at the final stage. Stop stressing so much. I won’t love you any less once you see yourself in the mirror. I love you Ymir, and I want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you.”
Ymir frowned and swallowed. Her excitement that had dissipated slowly came back, and with a great heave of a sigh Ymir made a move to run a hand through her hair, and then she froze when her hand touched the top of her head.
“Step in front of the mirror. Tell me what you think.”
Ymir didn’t really have an option because as soon as Historia said it she pushed Ymir to the side, effectively forcing her in front of the mirror.
Ymir sent Historia an angry glare and prepared a swear word or two, but then her head turned sharply and she instinctively looked at herself in the mirror. What she saw there gave her pause and made the words die on her lips.
Ymir swallowed hard, eyes steadily widening the longer she looked. After a couple of seconds had passed, Ymir tentatively stepped forward and then she turned at all angles to get a good look at herself. While she did so she also lifted her arm and ran a hand through her hair again, this time not pausing in confusion when she did so.
A month ago Ymir’s hair had been long enough to tie up, but now it was so short that it felt foreign to run her hands through her brown locks. Historia had taken the moment to show her hidden skills, and with a little gel and the use of a straightener that belonged to her, Historia had styled Ymir’s hair in a messy, pointed style. Ymir’s fringe was cut to the right and straight, and the hair above that stood upwards and spiky. Historia had used a good quality gel, because even though Ymir ran her hand through her air it didn’t disrupt the style and the hair merely fell back into place.
Ymir wore her usual black jeans, but this time she wore something different instead of the usual mundane t-shirt. After a lot of coaxing and encouragement from Historia, Ymir had bought a red dress-shirt that she had been eying or a very long time. Each time she saw it she had longed for it, to see how she would look in it, but her hesitance had always forced her to shake her head and leave the store feeling frustrated. But now she wore it, with a silver tie and a matching silver vest.
“Wow, you can’t even see them,” Ymir finally uttered after a long stretch of silence had been dedicated to merely staring. Ymir turned to the side and ran her hands down her chest. It was flat, so much so that one would never believe that she actually had breasts.
“It took a lot of finding, since we live in a crappy town, but I managed to get a binder for you. I also spoke to Nanaba, since he’s actually transitioning and he’s about your size. It was difficult getting one for you since you wouldn’t come with to get your size checked out. How does it feel, is it tight?”
Ymir made a turn and stared at herself over her shoulder. She still held a look of wonder on her face, and she couldn’t stop running her hands over her flat chest and grinning at the tingle of pleasure it sent down her spine. This felt so… strange, but wonderful.
“Well, yeah, but it’s supposed to be, right?”
Historia finally stepped forward to repeat Ymir’s actions and run her hands down her chest. She had to admit to herself that she really liked the feeling. “Not too tight. It can be dangerous if it’s too small or tight.”
Ymir sucked in a deep breath and then winced lightly and exhaled. “Well it isn’t too tight but it’ll take getting used to.”
Historia giggled softly against the back of her hand. She really enjoyed seeing the childish glee on Ymir’s face. It was especially pleasant because she knew that Ymir was so absorbed in the moment that she probably didn’t even realize how happy she looked.
“So, how do you feel?”
Ymir caught her own gaze in the mirror, rubbed the back of her neck and grinned. “I feel like… like this is me. The real me.”
Historia smiled. “Think you’re ready to go out in public like that?”
Ymir continued to stare at herself for another long silent moment, deliberating and basking in the odd happiness she felt at seeing herself looking like the other gender. She still didn’t feel a desire to be a man, but looking like one made her strangely happy. She mentally shrugged the desire to define what this was away. No one besides Historia would really understand, but it didn’t really matter.
Even if no one understood and mistook her for other labels, she was happy in her own skin.
“Sure, squirt. Ready to confuse the fuck out of people?”
Historia’s eyes sparkled. “You do look extremely dashing, and completely different to how you looked a moment ago.”
Ymir grinned naughtily and pulled Historia into her arms. She dipped her backwards and leaned in close to her face.
“I feel different, too.” The fire in both her eyes and voice sent pleasant chills down Historia’s back, and she flushed because of it, both hands pressed to Ymir’s chest.
Ymir resisted the urge to laugh and gave Historia a soft kiss, and then she brushed their noses affectionately before pulling away and straightening them both. “Alright, let’s go out on a date or something.” Ymir started pulling Historia to the door with her. She was grinning widely and uncaring of who saw it.
“Someone is eager,” Historia commented softly. She removed her wrist from Ymir’s grip and then intertwined their fingers. When they left the room, Ymir’s brother, Marco, was walking to his room and noticed them. He seemed surprised for a second as they passed, but then he yelled out how attractive Ymir was and disappeared into his room.
The compliment made Ymir’s grin widen.
Even if she didn’t really know what this feeling was or why she had it, doing this made her happy. If no one understood, they could simply kiss her ass. She had Historia, the wonderful person that had accepted her in the blink of an eye, and the one that had given her the courage to try to feel a little more like her real self.
“What if we bump into someone we know?” Historia asked curiously, to see Ymir’s reaction, as they left the house.
Ymir didn’t even hesitate. “Then they’ll see how damn sexy I am.”