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Ochako nurses her affection for Izuku for as long as she thinks can hold it, until she realizes that he's not looking her way in the same way she is for him.
It's not that she finds it easy to give up, really. Her feelings, her heart, isn't so unsure as to back down just because he doesn't seem to reciprocate. It's that she has gotten to know him; she knows that he burns with single-minded determination that leaves people both awed, and terrified in his wake.
There has only ever been one person for him, even after all these years.
She doesn't cry when she realizes it. She will, at some point, but she can't now; not when Izuku is looking frantic before her, muttering non-stop to himself about—
"Deku-kun," she says gently, willing her voice not to crack. "What's the problem, if Todoroki-kun likes Bakugou-kun? I thought you were happy that he's making more friends now?"
"Of course I'm glad Kacchan is making friends," he assures her, something panicked but determined in his eyes that makes her swallow back months and years of her own feelings. "But Todoroki-kun said— he," he falters here, voice turning to a whisper, "he said he wanted to ask Kacchan out. I just don't understand when and where this all came from. It doesn't make sense...right?"
Ochako gives him a wry smile. "Feelings don't always make sense, Deku-kun. Maybe their remedial course changed something, since they were together there?"
"Oh," he says, visibly deflating, clearly not having thought of that. "Oh, that...that makes sense. Why didn't I think of that..? We didn't see them there, maybe they got closer during that time... I'm glad! I'm..."
She bites the inside of her cheek, warring with herself for a bit.
Should she tell him?
Should she not?
It isn't her place, but...
"Do you like Bakugou-kun?"
He coughs violently at her question and she grins, though she pats his back anyway in support. "Wh-what?!" he asks her, face flushed pink and wide eyes even wider in bewilderment. "Do I..?! I..."
"It's either him or Todoroki-kun," she says gently, pulling her hand away as he looks down at his own hands. "But I have a feeling you already know who of the two it is, right? I don't see any other reason for you to be so distressed, Deku-kun."
"Well," he says, lips trembling as he clenches his fists on his lap. "I've always followed after Kacchan since we were little." He looks down at his hands, as though remembering something. "He was... he's always been my image of victory. Even until now, even with All Might— he's always been my hero. I think a part of me always wanted to be his hero too...someone he could rely on, call his equal, someone who can stand by his side without falling behind. Is that why? Maybe that's why I feel this way...without knowing it, I've grown to feel this way for him too..."
She smiles softly. "That's... really sweet."
He flushes and sputters easily at the praise, and a part of her is torn on how to feel about it. She's happy that he trusts her to be vulnerable in this way, but still...
"Are you going to tell him?" she asks.
He wavers at that, eyes lowering to the floor as he clasps his hands together.
"I don't know. I'm not even sure if that's true, not-!" He waves his hands in panic, saying, "Not that I doubt you, Uraraka-san! But can I really say that it's l-love so soon? Just because...just because I was surprised, that Todoroki-kun..."
Ochako raises an eyebrow, electing not to mention how she never even said that it was love. "Just surprise?"
He presses his lips together firmly, jaw clenching in a way she can see as he clenches his fists together. "...no, you're right," he says eventually, looking a mix of distressed, frustrated, and shocked. "It's weird, isn't it? Why else would I feel this- worried? Scared? Why else, if not..?"
She watches him process his own words, something like tears gleaming in the corners of his eyes as he covers the lower half of his face. "Deku-kun..."
"It's scary," he admits, voice cracking, "because I didn't know. How did I not know? I've been with him for so long, I've admired him for so long, how didn't I realize?"
Ochako makes a sympathetic sound at his words. "Maybe it's exactly because you've been with him for so long? It's harder to see things from the inside, right? And you've seen Bakugou-kun as your childhood friend for all this time."
"That- that makes sense," he agrees, smiling a wobbly smile. "You're right, Uraraka-san. I should've...I should've realized sooner."
She shakes her head. Much as she would feel less hurt, less hopeful, if she'd known of his feelings earlier, it wasn't exactly something you could figure out unless you were really looking for it. "I think these things take time to realize. And seeing as Todoroki-kun intends to confess..."
A new kind of determination takes over his expression then, and she finds herself smiling. It's one of those things about him that had her falling for him; because even when things didn't turn out well, even when the world was going against him, he remained standing.
"I'll tell him," he says, scarred fists clenched on his lap. "I'll tell him how I feel!" Then he smiles wryly, fists loosening as he looks at his hands. "Even if he rejects me, it's better to at least try, right? Instead of just letting things lie as they are and never giving it a shot at all."
She clenches her own fists, though she hopes he doesn't see it.
She knows it's better to try, but in this, with her own feelings, she'll have to refrain. She deserves better than this, right? She deserves to be someone's first thought, someone's first priority, instead of someone who has to push her way to the forefront for his attention.
She nods at Izuku, grinning widely.
"Of course, Deku-kun! Better to have tried than never at all!!"
She hopes, at least, that he has a better chance at love than she does. He's a good person who's loved the same person for this long—
Surely, the world wouldn't be so unkind as to not give him this?
"I like you, Bakugou."
"I'm not up to kidding around with you, halfie," Katsuki snaps, folding his arms over his chest. He'd thought Todoroki had something important to say given how he'd called him out, but apparently not. "Whoever it is that put you up to this, it's lame as hell. At least make it believable— your face is the same as ever."
Todoroki frowns, and Katsuki smirks. "My face...I don't think I can change that."
"I know. So? Is that the only thing you came to say? It's pretty low of you, didn't think you had it in you to go with childish dares that—"
"I wouldn't."
Katsuki raises an eyebrow at the sudden determination seeming to spark in Todoroki's eyes. "Huh?"
"I wouldn't confess to someone as a dare. That's just cruel."
Katsuki sighs, running a hand through his hair as he considers what else to say. It's true, he knows, that Todoroki isn't the type to confess for kicks. He's a bit insensitive (he blames the guy's social ineptitude), but he's not deliberately unkind. Was a quirk influencing him?
Why the hell was he wasting time here trying to figure this out, anyway?
"Sure, whatever," he settles on saying, shoving his hands in both pockets as he starts to walk forward, intending to pass Todoroki and end the conversation. "I'm gonna go study—"
"Wait."
Katsuki glares when he feels the hand catching him by the wrist, gaze snapping up to see Todoroki's seeming determined expression. "What, Icyhot? Have anything else you need to say? Just spit it out."
Todoroki sighs, as if Katsuki is the one being deliberately difficult. What the hell? He wasn't the one who suddenly called him along to meet him in private for no other reason than to say "I like you"! He's not the one acting strange!
"I'd like a response, at least. I'm being sincere when I say that I like you." There's a pause, like Todoroki's considering something, before he says, "I mean that in a romantic way, if that was unclear. I'd like to date you."
Katsuki smacks Todoroki's hand away in a moment of panic, stepping back, before he realizes how fucking ridiculous he's being and standing his ground again. "Damn it," he spits out, clenching his fist and stuffing it back into his pocket. "Alright, fine, I'll bite. I'll believe you for a minute— but I want to know why."
Todoroki blinks at him. "Why?"
"Why ask me out? Why..."
Why me? he doesn't say, but Todoroki seems to understand from the way his eyes widen for a moment.
"I think it helped that you piss my father off," Todoroki says with a wry smile, making Katsuki scoff. "But you're an admirable person, Bakugou. Even if the first impression you give leaves much to be desired, getting to know you has been nice. I like how hard you work, and how you don't like falling short of anything. You care, and you're a little rough, but you don't let anyone else decide who you want to be." He seems to hesitate on something, before finally saying, "I think it's cute that you ask for my sister's recipes too."
"What the fuck," Katsuki grumbles, nose wrinkling. "That's not cute. And none of those are reasons to want to date someone."
"What else do you want me to say?" Todoroki asks.
"Nothing. I'd prefer if you didn't ask me out, to be honest," Katsuki deadpans. Todoroki frowns again, and he explains, "It's not a good idea; even I'm aware, Todoroki. Consider yourself rejected."
"At least tell me why," Todoroki insists, stepping forward, almost as if daring Katsuki to move from his place, which he fucking isn't. "I'll respect it if you really can't bring yourself to like me, but I'd like to understand your reason for rejecting me so easily, at least."
"I'm not here to half-ass anything," Katsuki starts, giving Todoroki a look before he can step any closer. "And I'm focused enough on being a hero to have any time for dating. I don't need distractions, I don't want any dead weight-"
Todoroki raises an eyebrow. "Dead weight?"
Katsuki rolls his eyes. "Alright, fine, you're not dead weight. You're pretty strong, but that's not the fuckin' point. The point is that I don't want to have to think about another person in my life when I can focus on being stronger."
"You think of the civilians. Even when you call them extras, you care. I know because we're interning at the same place. That's not even counting the friends you've made in UA, which I know," he stares right at Katsuki, daring him to argue, "I'm included in, even if you won't let me say it."
Katsuki snarls at Todoroki's stubbornness, unwilling to admit how off-kilter he feels at having someone argue against him regarding their- what, affection? Fondness? Whatever the hell weird attachment Todoroki's feeling for him.
"Look," he says warningly, "no human being needs a bullet-point essay explanation on why they don't want to date someone. Forcing someone to explain themselves just to get your way into a date isn't the heroic fucking thing to do, Icyhot. I'd have thought you understood that, at least."
Todoroki visibly falters at that, to which Katsuki huffs his relief.
"I'm sorry," Todoroki says. Katsuki's lips curl downwards at the easy apology. "I didn't intend to be pushy. I just don't want you to think that I'm not serious about this, because I am."
"Oi," Katsuki says. He sighs in exasperation at the frown on Todoroki's face. Why did he have to put up with this, seriously? It's not like there's much to miss if Katsuki rejects him— there's really no fucking need for him to be dramatic about it. He says, "Seriously, you can probably find someone better or whatever. Not better than me as a whole, but, y'know," he makes a face, "someone who'll be more into the mushy shit. I've never been into that, so it's not your fault."
Todoroki blinks, then says, "Oh."
Just that. "Oh."
Katsuki glares at him, not liking the sound of it. "What?"
"I don't think I'm looking for "mushy shit", as you call it," Todoroki says, so blank-faced about it that Katsuki's lips twitch with what seems to be a hint of a smile. "If I were, I wouldn't have ended up liking you."
"Isn't that what dating entails?" Katsuki says. "People want that kind of emotional stuff. The comfort or whatever."
"I find comfort in you making fun of my father, but I'm sure that's not what you had in mind for comfort," Todoroki says wryly, making Katsuki choke back a laugh. Damn it! He's not supposed to find this shit funny. "Do you really not want to date me? Or do you not like the idea of dating that you know?"
Katsuki considers it for a minute. Then, he says, "I'm not feeling either. You could probably do better asking someone else out or something. Hell, fuckin' Deku might be a better choice since you're in the same circle."
Todoroki's brows furrow at his words. "What?"
"You're actually friends or whatever," Katsuki says with a rough shrug. "We're... friends, I guess, but you've been that for longer with the nerd. Probably better chances too or some shit, he's always liked how strong you are."
Todoroki gives him a weird look. Katsuki isn't quite sure how to define it, it being an unfamiliar expression, but it makes him feel— guilty, for some unfathomable reason.
It's not even his fault that Todoroki has bad taste.
"I see," Todoroki says, voice soft and strange. "I understand. You don't like me like that."
Katsuki frowns at the sudden gloom surrounding him. "That's what I've been saying."
"But you didn't have to make my feelings sound so unimportant that they could be easily transferred to someone else."
Katsuki's jaw clenches, teeth gritting at the accusation. A part of him wants to argue, wants to be angry at being accused of anything, but it's not like Todoroki is wrong. He says, slowly, "I'm not gonna say sorry. I told you I wasn't interested, and you've always known I'm an asshole. I don't get why you're surprised."
Todoroki sucks in a breath, and Katsuki- panics, for lack of a better word, that he can see a hint of tears in mismatched eyes.
What the fuck?
"I lied, about my feelings for you," Todoroki says, voice rough. "I didn't say the full truth."
"What?"
"I love you."
What?
"What?!" he chokes out again, staring in bafflement as Todoroki wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Todoroki, what the hell?"
"I was trying not to scare you off," Todoroki explains, lips wobbling in a way that makes Katsuki feel terrified, unlike how he'd been with the sludge villain or the the League of Villains, but painfully real still. "But I should've realized that you deserve the full truth. It's not like I've got anything to lose at this point, right?"
"Oi," he croaks out, not knowing what to do and hating it. "That's- this isn't fair. I didn't ask for that."
"You don't ask for feelings, Bakugou," Todoroki says, angry now, which is a welcome yet bittersweet reprieve from his earlier misery. "It's not your choice if I fall in love with you. It's not something I can just forget either, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Whether you like it or not, I'm in love with you. Even if you don't like me back, that won't change."
Katsuki swallows, watching as Todoroki heaves in a breath, looking frustrated and close to crying— a feeling he's familiar with himself, but not something he'd ever imagined Todoroki could feel, least of all while standing in front of him.
"... I'm sorry."
Todoroki laughs, and Katsuki grimaces.
"Somehow," Todoroki says, actually crying now, tears overflowing and trailing down his cheeks, "that doesn't make me feel any better."
No fucking kidding.
Izuku doesn't have to be a genius to know that Todoroki got rejected, given his recent behavior in class.
They're close to graduating. It's not the time to be slacking off, or getting distracted— but Todoroki is, and everyone can tell. He loses control of his fire at times in work study, has to sit some days out when Endeavor takes them to the streets, and he's...just, not okay.
Izuku had thought maybe Todoroki hadn't loved Kacchan as much as he did, but it's hard to deny it now that he can see it. Because what else could it be, when Kacchan is trying so clearly to avoid him too? What else could make him look both so frustrated and sad whenever he looks at Kacchan's back?
"Maybe you'll have a better chance with him than me," Todoroki tells him once on patrol, Kacchan far to the front with Endeavor at the lead. "You've known him for longer, Midoriya."
He laughs nervously. He wasn't that obvious, was he? Had Todoroki known all this time? Is that why he announced his intentions to him without telling Iida or Uraraka? He says, "I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about, Todoroki-kun?"
"You love him, don't you? Bakugou."
He swallows, looking away, then looking back up to him. There wasn't a point to lying, was there? He'd have told Todoroki anyway, given his intention to confess. That was the right thing to do, since he wants to respect that Todoroki figured out he liked, or loved, Kacchan first.
"Yeah, you're right," he says in a murmur, eyeing Kacchan as he walks in front of them. He makes no hints that he hears their conversation, so Izuku goes on, "But was it that obvious? Even Uraraka-san seemed to understand it before I did."
"I don't think so," Todoroki answers with a shake of his head. "I suppose it's because I understand, and I had to scope out my own rivals given who I'm in love with."
So simply, just like that, he can say such words.
Had Katsuki appreciated that? Did he like the frankness? Even if he rejected Todoroki, had he respected his honesty?
"I know you know," Todoroki murmurs, looking to Kacchan's back, "that I was rejected. I haven't been quite myself, even if I want to be. It's...strange. I didn't think it would hurt this much."
Izuku gives him a sympathetic look. "Todoroki-kun..."
Todoroki gives him a wry smile, which is more than he'd have been able to muster the past few days, or even the past few years. Todoroki says, "He pulled me aside yesterday, and told me to get my shit together. I think it hurts a little less, knowing that he still cares even if he doesn't understand why I love him. It still hurts, but...I think I can understand that it's not something he wants. Not with me, or maybe, not yet."
Not yet.
Then when? When would the right time be, when they can't predict their future? For how long can he stay by Kacchan's side before he decides how much farther away he wants to fly again?
What if it's too late, and Kacchan decides he wants love with someone else?
"Are you still..?"
Todoroki gives him a look, before nodding.
"I still love him."
Todoroki sighs, a seeming wistful note to his voice when he says,
"Maybe a part of me always will."
It takes their graduation day and the threat of separation before Izuku makes his move, because he couldn't handle the possibility of staying by Kacchan's side in school and work study while nursing a broken heart.
It would be too much, even for him. He doesn't understand how Todoroki managed the strength to carry that for so long.
"Calling me out for a final spar?" Kacchan says, an almost-eager grin on his face as he cracks his knuckles and stretches his arms out. Izuku had called him out to Ground Beta with the thought that the space was where Kacchan had laid himself bare for him— it was only right that he give him the same here, wasn't it?
Though it was understandable that Kacchan would misunderstand, given that they'd had their "spar" here as well.
"Not exactly," he says twiddling his fingers, before he realizes what he's doing and puts his hands back down. Kacchan gives him an odd look but doesn't immediately explode like he would have in the first year, instead waiting for him to explain. "I wanted to tell you something important, Kacchan. Really... really important. For me, at least."
Kacchan raises an eyebrow. "Something about One For All?"
He shakes his head, which seems to confuse Kacchan further.
"I..."
He just needs to say it.
Todoroki had managed to say it, hadn't he?
"IloveyouKacchan."
Kacchan is frozen in place when Izuku peeks up at him. He clears his throat, before repeating more slowly, "I love you. That's what I wanted to say."
"That's fucked up, Deku."
Izuku frowns at those words, finally raising his head fully to meet Kacchan's eyes. "What?"
"I've been cruel to you, remember?" Kacchan says, face blank even with the heavy air surrounding him. "I bullied you. I made you feel small, small enough that it took you a while to figure yourself out. You're in love with the person who did that to you? That's so fucking stupid, even for you."
Izuku's frown deepens the longer Kacchan talks, not liking what he's meaning one bit. "Kacchan, that was years ago. We had our talk, and I forgave you. You were wrong, but you changed, and we were both just kids—"
"Doesn't change anything." Kacchan straightens up from his ever-present slump, staring him down as he says, "I'm...sorry, but I can't reciprocate. I can't, and I won't."
Somehow, a part of Izuku had hoped Kacchan would understand. That he'd...perhaps, just maybe, like Izuku back. Because they were already friends, and they'd known each other longest, and Izuku liked to think they knew each other best.
He swallows back a broken sound, and says, "Why, Kacchan? You know that I'm not holding your past wrongs against you. I mean it when I say that I love you— I'm not just saying this on a whim. I've had...months, to think about it."
"Months?" Kacchan scoffs. "Then you're stupider than I thought, for still loving me—"
"I'm not fucking stupid!" Izuku yells now, effectively stunning Kacchan into silence. "Don't try to act like an asshole just because you think that'll make it easier to turn me away! I wasn't turned away when we were kids, and I'm not going to be turned away now! I love you!" he screams, uncaring for where the wind will carry his voice.
"That's the fucking problem," Kacchan says, quietly. "You've always followed after me, but I think it's time you learn to let shit go, De- Izuku."
Izuku blanches at the use of his first name.
Kacchan goes on, "I'm fucked up, but this shit you're feeling— it's worse. It's worse, because you've always just— just looked at me, even when I never wanted it before. I learned to tolerate it, then accept it, because I figured even if you were annoying you're still a halfway-decent rival, but this...this is too much, even for me. I can't accept that, Izuku. I'm serious."
"Oh."
Oh.
He hadn't thought it could hurt even worse than when Kacchan kept pushing him away when they were kids, or when he'd seen him as being someone, something, less.
He hadn't considered that Kacchan would reject him like this, while still caring. He hadn't considered that, once Kacchan pushed him away like this, there would be no stubbornness that could push through his walls.
This is Kacchan, pushing his feelings away for good. Not out of fear anymore, not out of anxiety of being overtaken, but because he just...
Doesn't want him.
Kacchan doesn't love him back.
"Oh," he says again, crying, tears blurring his vision and rolling down his cheeks right before he furiously tries to rub them away.
"I'm sorry," he sobs, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I—"
"Fuck," Kacchan spits out, a growl to his voice. "S'not like you can't do better than me anyway—"
"I can't," he says, voice coming out light, almost detached from his body. "I think I've always loved you, Kacchan. I'm not sure if I can love someone like this again."
"Don't fucking say that!"
He jerks at the way Kacchan's voice breaks, finding him teary-eyed too when he manages to wipe the tears from his own eyes.
What?
"Don't fucking say that, goddamnit," Kacchan says, voice cracking. "It's bullshit. I hate it! This isn't fair, I never asked for any of your feelings. Why is it always me? What the hell is wrong with you? First Todoroki, now you— why? Why?!"
"Kacchan, I—"
"Am I always going to hurt people?" he asks, and—
Izuku's heart breaks even further.
"That's not true," Izuku reasons, stepping forward cautiously, before walking more confidently when Kacchan doesn't back away. "Kacchan, loving you doesn't hurt. Even if," he sucks in a breath, reaching out, before holding back a sob when Kacchan allows himself to be held. "Even if you rejected me, that's only going to hurt for a little while. Loving you, in itself, doesn't hurt. Loving you, following after you, has brought me this far. You inspired me, you inspire me still, and I... I can't make you love me, but that's okay."
He's lying, but maybe, if he says it often enough, it'll be true.
He'll be okay.
"Loving you made me happy. Todoroki-kun was happy too, that he loved you. You changed us in a way that made us better, and I think...even if you can't love us the same, we'll still be happier having loved you than never at all."
Kacchan sobs, hands gripping onto his blazer. Izuku presses a wobbly smile to blond hair, and says,
"We'll be okay, Kacchan."
They will be, given enough time, enough space.
They'll be okay, he's sure of it.