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Part 50: Never Not
“Chanyeol! Finally!”
When the word got out that Junmyeon finally proposed to his girlfriend of fifteen years, their mom threw an engagement party two days after. Junmyeon, the second oldest of the brood of five, was finally settling down and tying the knot. He had only one request. Despite what seems like a glamorous lifestyle on instagram, he only requested the presence of his immediate family and some friends. But of course, his thoughts and concerns were in the bottom list of his entire family. Mama Byun basically invited the entire clan along with some officemates and neighbors. His brothers invited their own friends from school and from work. None of them took into account that Irene, the future Byun, was also inviting her own set of friends and family. It was safe to say that the Byun household was packed. If not for the two centralized aircons trying to compensate for the body heat of each individual, everyone would be passed out. People could barely hear one another and everyone’s too drunk to actually see each other. So really, it was the perfect time for somebody in hiding like Chanyeol to pop so he could say “he dropped by to support” the next day.
But Mama Byun had to see him .
“Chanyeol! Finally! Ang tagal mo ng hindi bumibisita!” She’s screaming with all her might, fighting the loudness of the bass from the speaker of their home theater. She hands her martini to Minseok and then basically runs up to the arms of her almost son. It’s as if the entire world was put to a halt. The music fades and everyone’s eyes were on Chanyeol. He couldn’t let the old woman down. He opened his arms to catch her, a genuine smile despite the situation shows up on his face--
“Mama! Hi!” He wraps his arms around Mama Byun and sways her side to side. “Namiss din kita.”
“Ikaw naman!” She laughs when she pulls away. Her breath smells of martini and some kind of sausage. “Kay Baekhyun ka lang nakipagbreak, bakit naman pati ako hindi mo na kinita?”
The Byun brothers freeze to their spots. Drunk mom really isn’t the best at meeting new people or even old friends.
“Ma, sumama po ako nung birthday ni Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol answers casually. “Kayo nga po ang wala nun eh.”
“Ay ganun ba?” She erupts into fits of laughter, nearly breaking her back as she laughs. “Anyway, I missed you anak. Go eat.” Mama Byun interlocks their fingers as they make their way to the kitchen. Chanyeol passes by Junmyeon and Irene and mutters a congratulations and see you in a bit. Mama Byun keeps rambling about her martini, her children, and her work. “Akala ko mauuna kayo ni bunso eh.” She even says, to which Chanyeol chooses to ignore.
But speaking of which, where is Baek-- oh. Baekhyun’s in the kitchen with his “friend”, Lucas, laughing over some video on the latter’s phone. The laughter stops abruptly when he enters and Mama Byun takes it upon herself to break the ice.
“Chanyeol, si Lucas. Friend ni Baekhyun.” Mama Byun squeezes his hand. “Lucas, si Chanyeol. Anak ko rin.”
Lucas gives a small nod and then shakes his hand. They’ve met before, of course. But they haven’t met as past and present characters in Baekhyun’s life.
“Kuya, kamusta?” The younger asks. “Kasama niyo po sila Jay?”
“Ah, oo pero andun yata kay Kyungsoo, kumakain din.” Chanyeol replies politely. Just then, Mama Byun pulls him to where the wings and rice is.
“Favorite mo ‘to di ba? Hindi na kasi nakapagluto si Soo kasi nag overtime nanaman ‘yun.” Mama Byun shakes her head. “Yung mga anak ko, workaholic. Maliban diyan kay Baekhyun. Ginagawang palengke ang Korea.”
“Really?” Instead of looking at Mama Byun (who was currently putting food on his plate), he looks at Baekhyun. In turn, Baekhyun looks away.
“Laging binibisita kuya niya, every month, walang palya. Di ba, bunso?”
“Ha?” Baekhyun runs a hand through his hair. There are so many things he doesn’t want to talk about, ever. This subject being one of them.
“Di ba magkasama kayo sa condo ni Yixing?” Mama Byun hands Chanyeol his plate and then, leans on the sink. “Di kayo nagkikita?”
“Ma, di ba, sabi ko sayo sa hotel ako nagsestay? Di ba inaampon ko lagi si kuya para sa staycation?”
“Ah,” Mama Byun nods. “But you’re always there! In Xing’s three years in Korea, you’re there monthly. Di man lang kayo nakapag dinner? Akala ko pa naman, nagkakabalikan na kayo tapos tinatago mo lang.”
Baekhyun wants the floor to eat him. With a sigh, he looks at Chanyeol. Chanyeol whose eyes were beginning to fill with questions.
“Hindi, ma. Hindi alam ni Chanyeol na pumupunta ‘ko don.” Baekhyun huffs. “So, can we please stop talking about it?”
“Why not?” This time, Mama Byun walks to where Baekhyun is. Lucas is standing awkwardly amongst the crowd. The thing about Baekhyun and Chanyeol being lovers is news to him so he’s just shifting from one foot to another. Mama Byun slides her arm around Baekhyun’s waist. “I thought alibi mo lang na bibisitahin mo si kuya para magkikita kayo. Hay.”
“Ma--”
“Umasa nanaman si mama.”
Chanyeol laughs awkwardly, he shies away from the way the two Byuns are looking at him. Unfortunately, his gaze lands on Lucas, who is just as confused at him. He shoves an entire piece of wing, to everyone’s surprise, until Baekhyun practically yells--
“CHANYEOL WAIT, NO!”
Baekhyun release his mother from his arms and walks to Chanyeol. He slaps his chest hard, making the wing come out of his mouth. His mother reprimands him with quite a loud, Baekhyun Marvin!, whilst Lucas is rushing to get a cup of water for him.
“That’s soaked in peanut sauce.” Baekhyun panics. He basically shoves Chanyeol to the sink so he could gargle some water. He’s panicking and angry at his mom for feeding him that specific kind of wings. There’s salted egg for God’s sake! “Gargle, properly! Lucas, kunin mo ‘yung anti-histamine kay Jongin. Merong dala yun lagi.”
“Naubos ba--” Mama Byun is cut off by a frustrated Baekhyun.
“Naubos ni kuya Min!”
“Baek--” Chanyeol tries to get up from the sink but Baekhyun’s hand is holding him by the neck. “Hey, I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not--”
“Baekhy--”
“Please!” At the horror in Baekhyun’s face, Chanyeol complies. He gargles and even drinks some tap water. He doesn’t feel itchy at all. He hasn’t even swallowed the wing yet. He’s in perfect condition so he feels bad that Lucas is rushing to him with hands shaking, holding a small pill.
“Baek--”
“Chanyeol!”
“Baekhyun.” He forces himself up, throwing Baekhyun’s hand in the process. It’s the last thing he wants to happen but he’s drowning at this point. He closes the faucet and wipes his face. Then, he looks again at Baekhyun. Still, the latter looks horrified. “I’m okay.” He assures. He even pats the top of his head.
In the last ten years of their relationship, Baekhyun has seen different stages of Chanyeol’s allergic reaction. The small itch, rash, and the inability to breathe-- name a stage, and he has probably seen it. And in almost all of those events, Baekhyun was with him. The worst was when they were cake testing and the chef forgot to tell them that one of the cakes had pistachios in them. Chanyeol spent the night in the hospital while Baekhyun cried himself to sleep next to him.
Really, Baekhyun’s reaction at him eating a peanut-covered wing was warranted.
“Mama naman kasi eh!” Baekhyun stomps. “Di ba alam mo naman na allergic si Chanyeol sa nuts?”
“Nakalimutan ko,” Mama Byun says sheepishly. Chanyeol feels bad at the commotion. “Lasing pa kasi yata ako.”
“Mamamatay pa ‘yan dito sa bahay eh.” Baekhyun adds and then, he turns to Chanyeol. “Ikaw naman! Ano ka ba? Naamoy mo naman ‘yung sauce tapos kinain mo pa rin!”
“I was distract--”
“Kakapikon eh.” Baekhyun walks out before anyone could say anything else. Lucas is unsure if he should follow. After all, he was still holding that small pill for Chanyeol’s supposed allergy.
Chanyeol pulls Mama Byun for a hug and presses a quick kiss on her forehead.
“Ako na bahala don.” He assures her. In the corner of his eye, he sees Lucas exit the kitchen. Probably, on is way to find Baekyun. Chanyeol meets the four more pairs of eyes. All of Baekhyun’s brothers are standing by the kitchen door. Honestly, if Chanyeol could change one thing about tonight, it would be coming here.
When he decided to unfollow Baekhyun on his dump account on Instagram, he spent most of his days ignoring everything that was remotely related to him. Except for Yixing. Yixing, his roommate of three years in Korea. Yixing, the third brother of Baekhyun. Yixing, his good workmate, and drinking buddy.
Yixing who never told him that Baekhyun visited Korea despite him moping for an entire year about it-- about how he loves Baekhyun more than he loves him; about how he wished he would just show up to Korea because he was so sure he was just mad that’s why he agreed to the breakup; about how he wished he would just take the first step this once.
He kisses Mama Byun again before excusing himself to meet with the Byun brothers.
“Beer?” Kuya Minseok, the eldest of the brood, offers a closed can of beer. Chanyeol takes it.
Kuya Junmyeon leaves them to a secluded area in the living room. Kuya Yixing motions for the other guests to continue doing what they were doing, and Kuya Kyungsoo shows up with a plate of cake-- for comfort, he says.
Chanyeol awkwardly sits on the couch in between the two oldest Byuns. Somehow this feels all too familiar. This was exactly how they looked like when he asked them for Baekhyun’s hand in marriage except now, this is the last place that he wants to be in.
He spent years and years making sure that his heart healed and when there wasn’t any progress, he made sure to hide all of Baekhyun and to hide it well. In fact, if Chanyeol was to give himself a performance appraisal via self-evaluation, he’d give himself a 10-- a 10 for all the tears he didn’t let out; a 10 for all the overtimes he took until he passed out in the office pantry; a 10 for all the ten years that he loved him whole and fully, and a 10 in the last three years where he made sure his pieces stuck together.
Kasi hindi pwedeng maging mahina si Kuya Chanyeol.
Kasi may baby Jongin pa.
Kasi may Sehun bunso pa.
Kasi may Mama pa.
Ka--kasi, kasi ang dami pang responsibilidad na kailangang unahin bago ang sarili niya.
Kaya hindi naman siguro sobra kung hihilingin niyang kahit isang beses ipaglaban siya, hindi ba?
“Ako na muna,” Yixing with his ever so soft tone starts. “Sorry, I never said anything.”
“Ako din.” Junmyeon seconds. Three more sorries echo in their small, personal space. Chanyeol can’t do much but nod.
“Okay lang po.” He pops open the can of beer and takes a swig. “For all I know, it could be just a travel thing. Okay lang po.”
“Hindi ‘yun okay, bro eh.” Yixing chuckles sadly. “Nakita ko kung paano mo inintay yung kapatid ko kahit alam ko naman na nasa kabilang hotel lang siya. Nakita ko yung iniiyak mo kapag nalalasing ka. Nakikita ko yung pag hingi mo ng pasensya sa sa pader kapag naghahallucinate ka na sa pagkawala ng tulog. I saw all of that and I never said anything--”
“It’s ok--”
“It’s not okay, Chanyeol. I wasn’t a good friend.”
Chanyeol smiles. “You’re a good brother at naiintindihan ko ‘yun. Gusto mo lang naman protektahan ang bunso and I can’t do anything about that. Hindi ba’t kaya nga kami naghiwalay dahil kailangan kong maging kuya para sa kanila?” He puckers his lips and points at Jongin and Sehun who was talking to some guys their age.
“Never kaming nagalit sayo kasi naiintindihan ka namin.” Junmyeon chimes in. “When it comes to family, it becomes a whole new story.”
“Thanks, Kuya Jun.”
“Minsan, hindi ko talaga maisip na sampung taon yung nawala kasi tatanga-tanga ‘yung kapatid ko.” Kyungsoo shakes his head. He’s the first person to take a bite of the cake he brought to comfort Chanyeol. “Kainin mo ‘to. Pinaghirapan ko yan. Walang nuts ‘yan.”
“Thanks.” Chanyeol takes the fork from Kyungsoo and takes a bite. “You really don’t have to apologize for anything, guys. Matagal ng tapos ‘yun. It’s been three years. Naka move on na kami.”
“Hindi rin.” Junmyeon shakes his head. “Puntahan mo na lang sa terrace ‘yun. Andun si Irene, sinusuyo ang bunso. Wag ka agad susuko ha?”
Chanyeol wants to object or just say something. Something along the lines of “Ha? Hindi naman kami.” or “I’m not interested anymore.” but Yixing ruffles his hair and says,
“Kahit just for tonight lang, bro. Extra patience for the baby.” Yixing stands up and straightens his pants. “Regalo mo na saming mga kuya.”
Chanyeol takes that as his cue to stand up. He looks around as if he’s searching for something when he knows exactly where Baekhyun is. He can see the silhouette of Irene nearly cradling Baekhyun in her arms. Chanyeol has seen this scene somewhere--maybe when Jongin first broke his heart and he spent the night in Chanyeol’s room, crying himself to sleep or when Sehun first realized the person he loved didn’t love him back and Chanyeol picked him up from the nearby bar, drunk and passed out.
“Huy, dahan-dahan.” Chanyeol says to both of his brothers when he passes them by. “Uuwi na tayo in ten minutes, ha?” He doesn’t wait for an answer. He walks outside and hears the sobbing first before he sees it. Baekhyun’s head is on Irene’s chest and she really is swaying him side to side like an infant. “Ate, sub?”
Irene and Baekhyun looks up at him in surprise. He offers a small smile and then points to Baekhyun. Irene takes it as a cue to stand up. She opens her arms for the tall giant to give him a hug.
“Congratulations, ate.” He says. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you, Chanyeol.” She answers before squeezing him tighter. “Be patient, okay?”
Baekhyun is looking straight ahead, unable to hear the quiet exchange beside him. He’s looking straight and wishing there was an end. How has it been three years and he’s still stuck in the same place? Three years ago, Baekhyun was so sure that he was going to be married with at least one child at this point but boy, was he wrong. It’s three years later now and he’s still sad and heartbroken over the only boy who loved him so uncoditionally. How many times has he promised himself that he was going to be better?
He went to Korea for a total of 36 times; once every month to “visit” his brother.
Once every month to wait outside of Chanyeol’s office only to run before the clock strikes five.
“So, Korea huh?”
He whips his head to where Chanyeol is standing-- a shuge, goofy grin spread across his face. Baekhyun wishes he could sport the same smile but everytime he tries, his heart breaks. So, instead he makes a face--he scrunches his nose up and chuckles. By the time, he goes back to his normal face, a tear falls.
“Asan si Lucas?” Chanyeol asks when he sits.
“Umuwi na.” Baekhyun wipes the tear and then looks away from him. “You didn’t have to come, you know?”
“Sus, it’s kuya Jun and ate Irene, we’re talking about. Inintay na ng sambayanang Pilipino ang kasalang ‘to.”
“True.”
Silence.
“Baek, I’m--”
“Don’t.” Baekhyun shakes his head. “Wala kang dapat ipag-sorry for choosing your family.”
“I chose you too.” Chanyeol sighs. “Pinili ko kayong pareho kasi pamilya na rin kita pero tapos na ‘yun kaya--”
“Tapos na pero andito pa rin ako.” Baekhyun looks at him, his lower lips portruding-- a sign that he’s about to cry. “Tapos na pero ang sakit pa rin kasi akala ko okay na ‘ko pero nung umuwi ka dito, hindi pa pala. Pe--pe-- tangina, naiiyak ako-- pero, hindi mo naman ‘yun kasalanan na ganito yung nararamdaman ko.”
Chanyeol grips the side of his chair so he doesn’t reach out to wipe Baekhyun’s tears away.
“You know what Ryujin told me the other day?” Chanyeol asks. This is literally the last thing Baekhyun wants to know but he hums for him to continue anyway. “Sabi niya, ang tanda ko na raw pero hindi pa rin ako marunong mag process ng feelings. Mga five minutes, naniwala ako. Akala ko maiisahan ako ng mas bata saakin. But when I thought about it nung umuwi ako, it’s not that I can’t process my feelings. In fact, nagawa ko na ‘yun. Na-acknowledge ko na, na-process ko na.”
“Pero bakit ka nasabihan nun?”
“Hindi niya pa maiintindihan hangga’t hindi pa siya naiinlove. Hindi niya pa maiintindihan na kahit naka linya na per category ang tama at mali, ang dapat sa hindi, hindi naman naiintindihan ng puso mo ‘yun eh.” Chanyeol, finally, looks at him. “I don’t think she’ll understand until she has fallen in love that when you love someone, you give them pieces of you. Pieces you can’t get back. Pieces that even after three years when you’re supposed to have moved on, you won’t ever see the light of again and that there’s always going to be a hole, no one can ever fill. No matter how hard they try.”
Baekhyun sniffs. Now, he’s full on pouting and then in a snap he was crying but he’s trying to be brave, still. He can see the resistance in Chanyeol and he wants to respect that. He’s going to grow up even if it means throwing away all the baby in him. Kahit ngayong gabi lang. Chanyeol needs the adult version of Baekhyun for this closure.
“Hindi ko alam,” Baekhyun hiccups. “Kung paano ko ibabalik sayo yung mga piraso mo.”
“Hindi mo kai--”
“Pero gusto ko na ring ibalik.” He cries. He wipes his tears with his arm but it just won’t stop. At this point, he isn’t sure if it’s tears or snot. “Kasi ang unfair na rin sayo. You loved me wholey in the ten years that we’re together and I couldn’t ask for more. I’m so sorry ginawa kitang mundo. Alam kong napepressure ka rin sakin. I can only see you and you only. Hindi ko makita yung ibang sides mo, yung mga responsibilidad mo, yung mga kapatid mo. Masyado akong naging kumportable sa pagmamahal mo na alam ko at sigurado akong, ako ang pipiliin mo. It was a hit to my childish ego when you chose to leave; when you chose to put yourself first.”
The realizations strike them both in a way that it hasn’t before. Maybe, they grew up in the last three years. Maybe the space allowed them to breathe and be with themselves. Chanyeol and Baekhyun have been together since they were fourteen. From the awkward teenagers to twenty-four-year-old engineers, they rode life holding hands. They were and will always be Baekhyun and Chanyeol to a lot of people. To get to know yourself as just Baekhyun and just Chanyeol was new and confusing. It was scary too. But here they are now--twenty seven, heartbroken, and yet whole all the same.
“But I never wanted to leave you.” Chanyeo answers, shakily. Baekhyun whips his head to check if he’s crying. “I wanted to be with you. I wanted to marry you, Baekhyun kaya lang--”
“Kaya lang may kaya lang. ” Baekhyun finishes for him. “At first, hindi ko maintindihan pero ngayon, I want you to know that I do and I would have hated myself in the long run if you chose me.”
Chanyeol nods, he closes his eyes letting himself cry for the first time in a long, long while. His body shakes at the overwhelming emotions. Baekhyun realizes that this is the first time in the years that he has known him that he has seen him cry. Not even when his dad die did her cry like this.
“Huy,” Baekhyun springs out of his seat to kneel in front of Chanyeol. All of a sudden, his tears stopped falling. He was panicking, unsure of what to do. He has never met this side of Chanyeol and he doesn’t know how to respond to it. “Huy, tama na.”
“I can’t.” This time, Chanyeol chuckles amidst the tears because what he said was true, if he could just stop crying, he would but the tears won’t stop falling and there’s nothing he can do about it. “I can’t, shit.”
Baekhyun does what he’s used to doing--he pulls him to his chest and squeezes him tightly. On instinct, Chanyeol nuzzles his head against Baekhyun’s neck.
“Akala ko magsisigawan tayo.” Chanyeol cries even harder. “Bakit may ganto?”
“We grew up didn’t we?”
In Baekhyun’s realization, they found their answer.