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Chan bit back a yawn as he leaned back in his chair. He had spent the last three hours at the library, preparing for his upcoming final for Biology. His friends had told him not to put his sciences off, that they would come back and bite him in the ass, and they were, sadly, right.
It was now 10 at night, and while he had stayed up later (quite often, actually), he felt completely worn out and all he wanted to do was crawl into his bed and sleep.
He pulled his phone out, checking to see if he had any messages. His boyfriend, Felix, had stayed behind at the studio to work on his number for their next recital.
Chan knew the younger was anxious about his audition. The director had told him that he wasn’t strong enough to lift any of their females and that crushed Felix’s dreams of ever landing a larger role since all of the men had to do lifts at some point for the sheer “awe aspect” of the performance. He had been talking to Minho, one of his dance mentors (even though Minho predominantly did modern dance now, he had trained in ballet for most of his childhood, and he knew what he was talking about) and the older suggested that maybe he should trade his ballet shoes in and try pointe shoes. “If you can’t do the lifts because you’re too small, then why not be the person being lifted?” Minho had suggested, and Felix’s life changed that day.
Now, as soon as he was done with his normal classes, Felix would go to the studio and work on perfecting his pointe technique. Chan had sat in on a few of his practices and he had been absolutely blown away by how talented and beautiful the younger had looked. He hadn’t quite realized how strong Felix’s legs were until he would watch them flex as he went into releve or when he would any number of completely simple moves that shouldn’t be as beautiful as they were, but Felix somehow managed to make them elegant without even trying. That was when Chan realized that if he wanted to get any work done, he would have to study in the library, far far away from the beautiful dancer.
Gathering his things, he figured Felix would probably be getting close to finishing (considering he had been dancing for almost 5 hours; if he wasn’t done, Chan would pull the boyfriend card and make him be done), so he started to walk towards the dance hall. It had been a tradition of sorts to walk home during their late days at the university. Chan had only recently started pulling them, but Felix had been going home alone since the middle of the semester, and that had never sat well with the older.
As he stepped out of the library, he shivered. While he was studying, the temperature had dropped from the manageable-cool it had been when he entered the library. Now, it was a biting-cold that he knew Felix wouldn’t appreciate. Moving as quickly as he could to the studio (which was, thankfully, across the street from the library), Chan thought of the warm coat he had left at home. They did have cold-weather gear, but he had doubted he would be out as late as he was, so it seemed he and Felix would have to book it home.
“Lix!” He called, stepping into the warm practice room that was right by the entrance.
Felix was too distracted to hear him though. His eyes were closed, his earbuds were in, and he was gracefully moving across the floor with a complicated step sequence that Chan couldn’t follow for the life of him. Watching as the other kicked before changing direction, Chan was suddenly grateful for the cold and subsequent warmth. It would give him an excuse for his flushed cheeks because it should not be fair to see your boyfriend in clothes that skin-tight doing moves like that without any warning.
Chan watched as Felix moved. He wasn’t sure why the younger had decided to not listen to the music over the speakers, but he was almost grateful. The younger boy was so emerged in his performance that, even though Chan could see how tired Felix was (he was wearing a grey shirt, and Chan knew it was a lighter color grey before he started practicing), he knew that he was pouring every ounce of energy he had into that run. Chan watched him prance around the room, his eyes never opening, and despite his flushed cheeks and heavier-than-normal breathing, he has a serene smile plastered on his face. Felix knew he was the embodiment of grace when he danced, and he owned it beautifully.
When he finally finished dancing, curling his arms above his head with his leg extended in front of him, Chan couldn’t help the small smile that bloomed on his face when he started clapping. He also couldn’t control the way the smile grew when Felix finally looked up, finally noticed him, and the way his boyfriend’s face lit up seeing Chan standing there.
“Hyung!” Felix called, standing and moving to the bench near the door. He sat down and began to remove his shoes, carefully undoing the ribbon around his ankles and rolling his foot once the slipper came off. Doing the same to the other foot, he smiled when Chan knelt in front of him and started massaging his free foot.
Felix would never admit it, but Chan knew he loved the foot rubs. Especially when he had been dancing for long periods of time, those muscles would get really tense and it would lead to pain the next day if he didn’t do it. (At least, that’s what he told himself. His only real proof was Felix favoring one foot more than the other after a week of practice because he had been doing too many turns during practice and hadn’t stretched and relaxed properly afterward.)
“Hey Lixie,” he said, pressing his thumbs into a particularly tense part of Felix’s foot. “How did your rehearsal go?”
“It went well,” Felix said, sitting back and letting Chan work on his feet. “I finally got that step sequence I was worried about down. I worked on a few turns and-“ Felix bit back a gasp when Chan carefully dropped his foot and began kneading the other. “That feels good, hyung.”
“That’s because you worked too hard again, Lix. Your feet shouldn’t be this tense,” Chan griped as he pressed harder into the arch of Felix foot, ignoring the low groan that came from the younger boy.
“That’s not important. I got the step sequence right, and that’s all that matters.” Felix reached for his water bottle and unscrewed the lid, only to realize that it was empty a few moments later. Chan sighed, but passed the younger the spare he kept in his backpack for occasions just like this.
He moved to sit beside Felix, not quite touching him, but hovering close enough that they were sharing body heat. He knew the younger didn’t like to touch others until after he had showered, and he wasn’t going to protest that much, considering the level of sweat.
“You know I care about you, right?” Chan asked, tilting his head so he could see Felix’s reaction.
“I know, hyung,” Felix smiled at him, and timidly laid his head on Chan’s shoulder. “You tell me every day.”
“Good,” Chan replied. He let the younger rest for a few more minutes, before patting his knee and saying,” Come on, Seungmin is probably waiting for us at home.”
Felix grumbled, but gathered his stuff, regardless, and together they made their way out of the warm studio into the biting cold.
Chan loves walking home with Felix. Even when the weather was terrible and rainy (or cold like it is now), they always found some way to make the walk more enjoyable. When the weather was nice, they would take a break and sit at a bench about halfway between the school and their apartment.
It wasn’t anything fancy, just a park bench that looked out over a small river they had at school, but it held a lot of nostalgia for the couple. It was where Chan had first confessed to Felix, where Felix had first kissed Chan, and where they would escape to when life was too much.
Chan hadn’t been planning on stopping at the bench, the wind had been biting and bitterly cold for the entire walk, but when they reached that spot, everything seemed to stop. He turned to look at Felix, seeing if he had the same idea, and the younger smiled before carefully sitting on the worn wood.
“Care to join me?” Although his tone was teasing, the way his body curled in on itself told Chan that Felix was cold, and worried Chan would say no.
Easing his worries, Chan sat next to Felix, tucking him under his arm. “It would be my pleasure,” he said with a grin, and Felix scoffed at him.
“You know, hyung, with how close you’re sitting, people might make assumptions about us.”
Chan fixed Felix with an incredulous look, then pulled him even closer, placing a firm kiss on his forehead. “If they hadn’t figured out by now that you’re one of the most important things in my life, then they better realize it pretty soon.”
If Chan has been saying that just to get that pretty blush out of the younger, then he passed with flying colors. “Hyung!” Felix whined, and Chan laughed, pulling the dancer even closer to him. At that point, Felix was almost in his lap, but his protests had seemed to die off as he nuzzled closer into Chan’s neck.
“I’m glad we decided to stop,” he whispered. “I don’t think we’ve had a moment like this in a while.”
“We haven’t really, have we?” Chan wondered. “It’s like a bit of a miracle the weather gave us this, isn’t it?”
“The last couple of times we’ve walked we’ve just been too tired to stop. I wish we could have had more time. More energy. Anything, really.” Felix pulled away from Chan, and when he looked at the older, Chan could see the guilt painted across his face.
“Felix, absolutely none of this is your fault.” He began. “You have been working so hard and you’ve come so far from when you started working with pointe shoes. So maybe I don’t get to see you that much,” Chan turned on the bench, pulling Felix back and holding his shoulders so he could see how serious he was. “That doesn’t matter. I can see you right now, and that’s all I care about.
“Do you remember that lame saying, quality over quantity? I don’t need your affection and attention 24/7, despite how happy you make me and how much I love you, I’d probably get sick of you if you were around that often. So maybe I don’t get to cuddle with you for a few days, I’m not going to waste away.
“I promised this when we started dating, and I’m promising it again right now. If I need something from you, if I feel like you’re not being fair to me or if there’s an issue or miscommunication in our relationship, I’ll bring it to you first. And I sincerely hope you’ll do the same for me.
“But before anything else, you can’t be sorry for prioritizing yourself for a bit, okay?” Felix was staring at Chan with wide eyes, and he felt a momentary spike of fear that he had been too aggressive with what was supposed to be reassurances.
“You.. you love me?” Felix asked, his cheeks pink again, but Chan knew it wasn’t because of the cold now.
It took him a second to register what Felix had asked, but when he did, Chan felt his own cheeks flush and he ducked his head down.
“Is that really all you got from that?” He mumbled, embarrassed that he had just blurted something so monumental out without even realizing he had said it.
Even though they had been dating for almost a year, they had yet to exchange “I love you”s. Both boys were fine with that, after all, neither was prone to verbal affection. Both boys preferred cuddling or surprising the other with small gifts to show they cared. It was just how they were.
Just as Chan was going to reply, a gust of wind blew through the park, causing the pair to shiver. “I-I guess I did say that, didn’t I?” He held his hand out, and Felix carefully intertwined their fingers.
“Yeah, you did. Did you not mean it?” Chan hated that question. Hated that Felix had to even ask it, that he had to sit and watch his boyfriend’s eyes fill with doubt as he took too long to answer.
“God, is that even a question, Lixie? I may not have meant to say it just then, but it doesn’t make it any more true.” Chan extended his other hand and cupped Felix’s cheek. “If I say I love you, it’s because I do. Okay?”
Felix leaned into Chan’s hand, and his eyes fell shut as he just reveled in the words. “I love you too, hyung,” he sighed, and Chan couldn’t stop himself from pulling the younger closer.
Whenever the two kissed, it was a comforting thing for Chan. He wasn’t sure why, but knowing Felix was there, knowing Felix wanted to kiss him was so reassuring to him. Kissing Felix wasn’t like coming home, but whenever he kissed the younger, he felt like he was already there. When he kissed Felix, it was like he just stepped into the shower after a hard workout at the gym. Or eating a bowl of ramen that he knew he shouldn’t eat because it wasn’t in his budget, but doing it anyway. Kissing Felix was a relief, and he loved it when the younger would melt into him, just like now.
The two boys could have stayed on that bench, wrapped in each other for another hour easily, but they were separated when something cold flecked against Chan’s cheek.
“What was that?” He asked, slightly out of breath because, God, Felix could kiss.
“I-I don’t know,” the younger replied, and Chan took pride in the fact that he was also breathing heavier than normal.
The couple looked at each other, then turned to look out at the park, wondering if it had come from somewhere in the area. As they looked out, Chan realized what the flecks had been, and he turned to watch Felix’s eyes widen.
“Hyung,” he whispered with barely contained excitement. “It’s snowing.”
“Yeah, Lix, it is, isn’t it?” Felix turned, and Chan mirrored the giant grin that was spread on his boyfriend’s face. It hadn’t snowed last year, and they had been in Australia when it had snowed the year before.
“It’s snowing, hyung!” Felix looked like all he wanted to do was run out into the park and leap around as the small flakes fell.
“ Go, Lixie,” Chan laughed when the younger took no more encouragement. He ran around, reaching his fingers out to swipe them through small flurries and trying to find bits of snow on the ground to step in. He would sometimes pause and stick his tongue out, trying to catch the flakes as they fell.
Chan watched the younger play for another 5 minutes or so before he came back over and sat back on the bench. His eyes were wide and happy, and his breath came out in puffs in front of him.
“Did you have fun?” Chan asked, reaching out to twine their fingers together.
“You didn’t join me,” Felix stuck his lip out, and Chan was suddenly overwhelmed by how absolutely beautiful Felix was.
It’s not like it’s something hard to deny, from his small nose, to his sharp jaw, he was the embodiment of what culture defined as a pretty man, but Chan saw something more.
He saw the way the snow would fall and dust against Felix’s freckles, making them look as if each one was a snowflake that became part of his skin the second it made contact. He saw the way Felix’s lip could curl up, one side slightly higher than the other. The way his eyes crinkled when he grinned and left a small line on his face from how often he did smile. Chan saw all of the “imperfections” on Felix and he was struck by how absolutely perfect they made him.
“I love you,” he blurted out. It was completely unplanned, and if he hadn’t accidentally said it before, it would have been completely out of nowhere.
“You’re just… Felix, you’re beautiful. I probably don’t tell you enough, but everything about you: the way you dance, the way you look, act, everything. It just makes you so so special and I just-“
Felix pressed his hand to Chan’s mouth, effectively silencing the older boy.
“You know what I love about you?” Felix asked, and Chan tried to respond, but he was shushed by the other. “I love that you always do what you can to remind me that I’m important. I don’t know what inspires it, but it always makes me feel so special and cared for, and that’s because of you.
“I love how devoted you are to your classes. I love that you’ll study until 10:00 for something you hate because it’ll allow you to do something you love. I love that you walk home with me. I love that you do what you can to make me comfortable and that you’ll accept the same things from me.
“You give and take so much with our relationship and I love that I get to do the same with you. I completely trust you with my heart, and that’s something I’ve never done before. Maybe that makes me silly. After all, we’ve only been together for a year, but I feel so comfortable around you, and I know that that wouldn’t be possible if you weren’t one of the best people I’ve met in my life.
“So when you call me beautiful and special or anything else along that vein, just remember that you are, too, okay? Because I love you. And I want you to know how loved you are. How beautiful and special you are. So don’t you ever forget, Bang Chan, you are just as wonderful as I am, if not more.”
By the time Felix had finished talking, his hand had fallen from Chan’s mouth and he was gripping Chan’s one hand with both of his. Chan held on just as tightly, completely overwhelmed by the pure love and belonging he felt in that moment.
Maybe there would be a time, when the snow stopped, when Felix performed, when Chan finished biology, that they would have to worry about the future. About finding a new place to live, about getting jobs to support themselves. But hopefully, in that time, they would stay together. They would get to experience more snowy nights like this.
“I love you, Felix.” Felix smiled at him, and Chan knew that everything would be okay.
“Let’s go home.” The two boys stood up, hands still intertwined. As they walked away from the bench, snow continued to fall. The ground was slowly becoming more white, and the two shivered in their too-thin clothing. But they were happy. And they were together.
Chan spared one more look at the bench where so many things had happened for them. The first time Chan confessed, the time Felix kissed him, and the first place they said: “I love you.”
Maybe they’ll have more firsts there. Maybe that was the last one. Either way, as Chan tucked Felix under his arm, as they laughed and ran to get away from the cold, he knew that no matter where they went, whatever they did, these memories will stay with him forever. This snowy night, Felix’s joy, and the overwhelming love he had for the other. That would be enough.