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There were days were everything felt right, where the sun shone, people laughed and smiled, and things just clicked right into place. They came easier at the monastery than they ever had before. Classmates chatted amiably in the halls, there was always hot food waiting in the dining hall, and worries apart from the occasional certification exam fell easily to the wayside. And even when the unexpected cropped up, there was always some at her side, ready to help shoulder the burden.
Then there were the days when everything was crumbling. Like the earth buckled beneath her feet, she could feel the cracks threatening to swallow her, plunge her into darkness. And no matter how she fought, how she ran or struggled, the crushing weight gave chase and gripped tight around her heart. There was no escape, not even in dreams. Those were only all the more horrific.
It was one of the latter days when the Black Eagle house was tasked with hunting down a pack of overgrown wolves that had taken to preying on students that strayed too far from the monastery walls. Luckily, there had been no casualties yet, only a handful of injuries, but the threat had gone on long enough. Still, what seemed like a simple mission stretched into the late hours of the night, until the moon rose high overhead and the beasts came out to prowl. It was a battle hard fought and narrowly won, with far too many close calls for Edelgard’s taste. But, nevertheless, the problem had been put to rest, and everyone was headed back towards warm baths and inviting beds.
Still, the thunderstorm churning up the clouds overhead made for not only a grim return, but an unnecessarily challenging one. The rain came in sheets so thick it was hard to see more than a foot ahead, and it was all Edelgard could do to keep an eye on the black armor and deep blue hair in front of her. Sore and weary, drenched to the bone, she let her thoughts wander, serving well enough as a distraction as she forced one foot in front of the other down the muddied pathway.
As it always seemed to lately, the empire took up the forefront of her mind. Her father, her carefully laid plans, her secret identity, all of it. A hand twisting in the sodden fabric of her skirt, she ran through it all again, picking for flaws she might have missed, any oversights, no matter how small. But outsider objectivity didn’t last long, and after a handful of fleeting moments, the more human side, the more emotional side, took over. Guilt and fear shook her like the heavy rumble of thunder overhead, worries of the moral sort sinking her heart faster than her determination could buoy it. They were all things she had considered before, extensively, but the thoughts never stopped being less horrifying. Instead, with every day closer she grew to her classmates, they only sickened her more.
What if the rest of the Black Eagles didn’t support her? What if they turned on her and she had no choice but to cut them down? Would any of them understand? How much blood would stain and drip from her cold, pale hands after everything was finished? How many glazed, ghostly eyes would haunt her from shadowy corners, familiar and friendly in life, betrayed in death? How many new nightmares would be added to her cruel arsenal?
Worst of all, she knew none of the answers mattered. Because she wouldn’t be dissuaded, regardless of the cost. She couldn’t afford to be.
She hadn’t even realized she’d stopped walking, stopped seeing, until a gentle hand came to cradle her jaw, startling her from haunted daydreams of crimson and black. Instead, when she blinked, worried eyes, all soft, soothing blue, flooded her vision. “Edelgard?” The name came just as soft, like an extended hand, offering to pull her from her knees and back to her feet, from the shadow and into the light.
“I apologize, I must have gotten lost in thought,” Edelgard offered, fixing a thin smile on her lips. The effort was weak, and she knew Byleth would see through it in an instant. Still, it was all she could muster.
For a moment, Byleth just gazed back at her through the pouring rain, gaze searching while her lips sank into the beginnings of a frown, brows pulled together with concern. Her hand never left Edelgard’s jaw, cool from the rain, but still solid and reassuring nonetheless.
“I sent the others ahead and told them we would catch up later,” she assured.
Traitorously, Edelgard’s heart swelled with warmth, not used to having someone so perceptive and attentive at her side. It seemed like, somehow, Byleth always knew exactly what she needed, whether a kind hand, a supportive anchor, or a ruthless training partner, and she was always there to provide. Even Hubert, who she treasured and valued far more than most, couldn’t shoulder past her defenses the way Byleth could, with gentle hands and a sharp sword.
“You don’t need to worry, I can handle myself,” Edelgard said, regardless of how true the words may or may not have been. Some days, she thought she might be able to handle everything in the world except herself. Though, with an appreciative glance, she took Byleth’s hand in her own, sliding it off the curve of her jaw and lowering it back to her side. But when she tried to let it go, to step past and continue down the dreary path stretched out before them, Byleth held tight. Her fingers laced with Edelgard’s and squeezed, firm and reassuring, and she halted the smaller girl in her tracks.
“You’re sure you don’t want to talk?” Byleth asked.
Considering, Edelgard let a quiet sigh slip past her lips. The whirlwind trapped in her mind would be so much calmer if she could only let some of the worries feeding it escape. But even if she’d taken a leap of faith and trusted Byleth with her plans, her ideals and values, it still wasn’t easy to allow herself to be opened up, to expose her heart for anyone else to see. Relenting, she finally settled words on her tongue. “It would be nice not to have to hold my secrets so close to my chest. That is all I was thinking,” she offered. And as the words hung in the air, she noticed the rain lightening a little, the ruthless storm no longer drowning her voice quite so heavily.
Something thoughtful coming over Byleth’s face, she glanced over her shoulder once, looking farther up the path. The rest of the Black Eagles has long since faded out of sight, and, for a beat, Edelgard wondered how far she had fallen behind when her thoughts got to be too heavy, dragging her to a standstill. Though, she quickly turned back to the present, allowing Byleth to tug her off the path quite a ways and into the grass.
“I have an idea,” Byleth said, eyes lighting up with something Edelgard rarely ever saw. She looked excited, almost, like her usual bare flickers of emotion had stoked up into something hotter, brighter. If nothing else, Edelgard was glad for that tiny moment, and it felt like the whole trip was worth it, if only to see those eyes glitter, that mouth curve into a smile so genuine.
When Byleth was apparently satisfied with their spot, a couple dozen strides from the muddied pathway, she came to a stop and untangled her hand from Edelgard’s. Her quiet smile still in place, she turned back to face the way that had come, back towards the woods and darkness that had sheltered the wolves from them. And what she did next stunned Edelgard into a surprised silence, a hand reaching up to cover her mouth while she watched on, incredulous.
Byleth pushed a hand back through her hair, shoving it from her face, cupped her hands around her mouth and started to yell. “I never wanted to be a professor!” she called out into the rain, a crack of lightning echoing out after her.
Once some of the shock wore off, Edelgard couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up in her throat, though she did her best to stifle it. “Professor, what are you doing?” she asked, still a little taken aback by the absurdity of it all. Here they were, the imperial princess of the Adrestian Empire, the Ashen Demon and prized professor of the Officer’s Academy, standing in the middle of nowhere in a thunderstorm, Byleth shouting over the rain.
“You said you didn’t want to keep your secrets, right?” she questioned, turning to Edelgard with an endearingly genuine grin, just a little breathless. “There’s no one here to hear you, and the storm will cover it up.”
In reply, Edelgard only raised a brow, skeptical and questioning. Even if that thought process did stand to reason, it still felt a little risky to be revealing such private matters as the ones she was forced to keep hidden, and if she was being honest, it felt a little ridiculous, too. Ever the trained princess, she didn’t yell, save for maybe on the battlefield, and she could never let her mask of poise and dignity slip.
“Come on, just try it,” Byleth urged after a stretch of silence. And there was something so earnest about the way she asked, the way she gazed back at Edelgard, that she couldn’t refuse.
Face flushing a little at the idea, Edelgard fought back the heat, trying to pick something to say. Something safe enough, that might hurt her pride a little, but not her plans. And, maybe most importantly, something Byleth already knew. Stepping up just a little, straightening the set of her shoulders, Edelgard spared one last glance at Byleth’s before turning back to face the same way she did.
“I have nightmares,” Edelgard forced out on a wavering breath, sheepish. It was hardly louder than normal conversation called for, but it was a start. And when the admission fell from her lips, sat a beat in the din of the rain, and nothing horrible happened, it felt like a weight rolled off her shoulders. A small grin snagging on her lips, she let out a breath she didn’t remember holding, something like relief washing over her. It was cathartic, somehow, to let something, anything go from the stack of secrets she always carried. Like a page fluttering on the wind, her admission disappeared into the rain.
“There you go,” Byleth encouraged. And not a moment later, she was shouting another secret of her own off into the night. “I never have any idea what I’m doing!” she called, loud and clear.
“I have a crush on someone!” Edelgard shouted after, finding it easier to loosen up with Byleth’s bright, burning energy at her side. Still, in present company, certain things were better left quiet, so she carefully left out who that crush might be on.
“Fighting is easier than talking to people!” Byleth yelled into a rumble of thunder.
“Crests are the worst! Fuck the church!” Edelgard shouted as loud as she could before dissolving into a fit of laughter, whole and real. It just felt so good to finally let go and stop worrying, stop hiding. She could let the rain wash everything away and ease her burden, even just for a little while. And just picturing Rhea’s face if she could hear the things Edelgard had said only made her laugh harder, giggling until she couldn’t breathe.
Hardly even caring that the ground was wet and muddy, or that it was all too improper, Edelgard collapsed back on the grass, trying to catch her breath as the fit of giggles died out. Lying there, staring up at the storm clouds, breathless but satisfied, she wondered at how small her troubles felt all of a sudden. Carefree lightheartedness was not an emotion she experienced often, which was a shame, because it felt so much better than she ever remembered. Letting the mask slip off, being Edelgard for once, not the princess, not the Flame Emperor, was really nice.
“Feeling better?” Byleth asked, a little amused, as she sat down at Edelgard’s side.
“Yes, much better,” she replied, beaming. Though, the smile on her lips softened when she turned to face Byleth. It would never cease to amaze her how Byleth always seemed to know just the right thing to do, the right thing to say, or when to say nothing at all. For someone with her upbringing, she was surprisingly perceptive, and good with people.
In reply, Byleth only hummed thoughtfully, giving a languid stretch. Though, after a few beats of quiet in the waning rain, she gingerly reached out and swept back the stray locks that had matted to Edelgard’s cheeks with the moisture. “You should really let your hair down more often. It suits you,” Byleth said gently. Then, nimble fingers pulled the ribbons loose from Edelgard’s hair. With sure movements, she tied the lavender ribbons around her own wrist, for safekeeping, before she was shifting back to lay at Edelgard’s side.
“How I wish it were that simple,” Edelgard sighed, feeling the weight ease slowly back onto her chest. It had been nice, to be light and free for a time, but she couldn’t run away forever. And that single sobering notion felt like it was pressing down on her lungs, gradually crushing the air from them. Still, she decided with a harsh breath, forcing it off her lips, past the weight, she had a little more time to hide from reality. Until the monastery was back in sight, she would permit herself to let go, to breathe a little.
For a long time, Byleth didn’t say anything, so Edelgard didn’t either. She just listened to the rumbling of thunder slowly recede farther and farther into the distance, the occasionally flashes of lightning dulled far off in the clouds. The rain slowed to little more than a fine mist, gentler than it had been all night. The whole atmosphere seemed softened, oppressive gloom giving way to a stretch drenched in the pale lavender of before dawn. Even still thoroughly soaked, bone weary from the earlier battle, Edelgard couldn’t bring herself to feel much other than contentment. Only the occasional worry broke past, and they were brushed away easily enough.
“Who do you have a crush on?” Byleth asked quietly, the first to break the comfortable silence between them.
In an instant, Edelgard went red, feeling heat burn like fire across her cheeks, the tips of her ears too. For a moment, she had forgotten that Byleth heard that bit of information. In reply, she only flushed and brought her hands to cover her face, embarrassed. Even if she wanted to throw her secrets to the wind, that one was a different matter, one she couldn’t bring herself to give up.
“I hardly think that is any of your business,” Edelgard said, huffing a nervous sigh. Lies, she thought. It was every bit Byleth’s business as much as it was her own. Because she couldn’t think of anything but the dark haired mercenary and her kind hands, her soft gazes and easy nature. Because it wasn’t just the silly, school girl crush it had started out as. Even if love was still too daunting a word, her feelings had slowly and subtly shifted to something deeper, stronger, until Edelgard couldn’t separate her feelings from the rest of her heart. Caring for Byleth, in whatever capacity she did, was part of her, rooted deep and unshakable.
But even still, Edelgard deflected, denied, because it was easier. Easier than being vulnerable. Easier than baring her bleeding heart for Byleth to see. Easier than subjecting herself to the rejection that could always come after.
“That’s alright. You don’t have to tell me,” Byleth replied. Instead of pressing, she just folded her arms beneath her head, gazing up at the clouds overhead. Though, it was only a few moments later that she sat up to peer over at Edelgard, tucking her own hair behind her ear. “Would you mind if I guessed?”
Sitting up too, brushing the stray strands of grass from her uniform, Edelgard considered. It didn’t seem too risky, so she let out a breath, a small grin breaking out across her lips. “You can have one guess,” Edelgard assented, meeting Byleth’s gaze.
For a moment, she just hummed, something thoughtful crossing her expression. And for her part, Edelgard figured Byleth would pick Hubert, for their close bond since childhood, or maybe Dorothea, if she even thought to consider other girls at all. Or perhaps Dimitri, since Claude had started a rumor a while back that the prince was starry eyed for her. Completely baseless, of course, but people liked to listen to Claude. He was convincing, and nothing if not charismatic.
Byleth taking her hand, lacing their fingers together, startled her out of her own thoughts and guesses. And in that moment, the energy between the shifted, the fun playfulness disappearing fading into something quieter, like soft static. Then, Byleth was leaning in, closing the distance between then, slow and cautious. Giving Edelgard the chance to back away.
Though, this time, Edelgard didn’t shy back. She met Byleth halfway in a hesitant kiss, hope and warmth suffusing through her chest all the while. And her heart fluttered, pastel feeling bubbling to the surface.
It was over in an instant, and when Edelgard pulled away, it was with pink cheeks and starry, lavender eyes. She couldn’t help the smile that curved on her lips, unabashedly happy.
“Did I get it right?” Byleth asked, the subtlest twist of a grin, amused and knowing, pulling at her lips.
Huffing the edge of a laugh, feeling fond, Edelgard just nodded and swept her loose hair behind her ear. “That was a good guess,” she replied, still a little breathless with it all. Relief and hope and genuine joy all mingled in her chest, robbing her of the space for air, but giving so much warmth. Even with so much looming on the horizon, hanging heavy like the storm clouds overhead, Edelgard was confident she could handle it all with Byleth at her side. And, regardless of if it was only a silly little moment of girls trading secrets and kissing in the rain, those few minutes felt like everything to her.
Everything was going to be okay, in the end. Because Edelgard had Byleth’s hand in hers and, for the first time in a long time, she felt free.