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It was the moment you had been waiting so anxiously for—the one that gave you trouble sleeping, even though you’d just had major surgery on your spinal cord—but Steve’s words still startled you.
“Bucky’s awake,” he said, his face white as his t-shirt. “He wants to see you.”
“Okay,” you said, your breath shaky.
You stood slowly from your seat, but you still felt dizzy. You followed Steve like a baby duck through the brightly lit hallways in Wakanda’s incredible medical center, trying desperately to ignore the pounding of your heart. Of course, you had seen Bucky when he had first arrived—a bloody mess with a missing arm, complex wires pouring out of his socket like a waterfall. Your jaw had dropped at the sight of the love of your life unconscious and vulnerable; thankfully, Steve was there to fill you in on what happened in Siberia.
You had faith in the medical team, you thought, as you watched them swarm over Bucky’s body. After all, their team had quickly healed your spine. In fact, the last thing you remembered before waking in an unfamiliar room, surrounded by beeping machines, was the adrenaline surging through your veins as you pled unsuccessfully with the Winter Soldier to stop—to remember it was you.
But he didn’t.
You knew Bucky, your Bucky, never would have hurt you. But the Winter Soldier was a different person.
Bucky had warned you about him. When you first started dating, he admitted the truth, that his past was marred in blood. But you didn’t care—you fell in love with Bucky, the person, not Bucky, the super soldier. Still, you two made plans of what to do “just in case.” Just in case HYDRA found him and you needed to up and move. Always together, that was the plan.
But neither of you expected Vienna, nor everything that came after. By the time Bucky realized he was being framed, it was too late. He begged you to go without him, but you couldn’t leave him behind. So you stole a car and drove to Berlin…
And ran into the Winter Soldier.
You had snapped his name to get his attention. “Bucky!” But the Soldier looked right through you, like you weren’t even there. He charged at you, his face full of fury and determination, and grabbed you by the neck, his fingers crushing your windpipe. He threw you into the nearest table; it happened so quickly, so forcefully, you couldn’t orient yourself. Pain pulsed through your body, but you wanted so badly to get through to him.
“Bucky, please,” you pleaded with him, but his blank eyes didn’t show an ounce of sympathy. “It’s me. I love you.”
Love didn’t mean a thing to the Soldier. He picked you up again and threw you hard against the wall. And everything went black.
Anxiety from the memory bubbled up into your throat. And now, you tried not to panic as you saw Bucky sitting on an exam table, a black cap covering his amputation. His face told stories of sadness, of damage—ones you knew all too well from your years hiding together in Bucharest. Beneath all of his pain, you could see his goodness—and to you, that was all that mattered.
“Go ahead,” Steve nodded towards the door.
You took a deep breath and grabbed the door handle. A dull ringing in your ears grew louder as you wondered what he wanted to say—really, what you would say.
Despite being surrounded by glass walls, the room felt quiet and private. Bucky looked up when he heard the door open. He shot you a sad, but somewhat grateful, smile.
You couldn’t help yourself—you wrapped your arms tightly around Bucky, and he pressed his head into your neck, burrowing into you.
“Bucky,” you breathed, inhaling his familiar scent. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I love you so much.”
“I love you, Y/N,” he said into your neck; his words nearly made you melt.
When you finally parted, you could see his eyes were red with tears, mimicking your own. You smiled sheepishly and wiped them from your face.
“I was so worried,” you said with a sniffle. “I had no idea what happened. When I woke up, I was here, and no one knew where you went, and…”
“It’s okay,” he said calmly, in the same voice he used when you realized you’d forgotten an important ingredient at the grocery store or when you had a panic attack in the middle of the night—the voice that kept you safe.
You nodded, overwhelmed by your relief and sadness. Bucky’s eyes lingered on the bruise around your neck, and he stiffened at the recognition that he had done that to you.
You instinctively touched it as if to cover it up. You stammered, “I’m okay, I promise. The medical team here is amazing. I feel great, actually.”
Bucky didn’t speak; he bit his lip, trying to form words, but she knew he was thinking that nothing could ever make up for what he did.
“I know,” you said sadly. “But you didn’t hurt me. The Winter Soldier did.”
“I knew it was you,” Bucky blurted. “I knew… I heard you, I saw you. But I couldn’t…”
He trailed off. You touched his hand to be reassuring, but he pulled away.
“Y/N, I’m so sorry. That’s why I…”
It felt like you couldn’t get enough air; you were starting to feel dizzy. What was he trying to say?
You prompted, “Why you what, Bucky?”
He nodded at the spot behind you. When you turned, you saw it for the first time: a cryo chamber. Your breath caught in your throat.
“No,” you said desperately, your voice breaking. “You can’t. Bucky, you’re safe here. We’re safe here. You don’t need to.”
“Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there,” he countered. “All he had to do was say those words. I can’t risk that happening again, Y/N.”
“No,” your voice shook so hard it might rock the room. But Bucky’s eyes stayed firmly on yours; he gently took your hand and rubbed his thumb over your knuckles to calm you. “Please, Bucky. You can’t… I just got you back.”
Quiet. You stared desperately at him, tears clouding your vision, while he rubbed your hand.
Finally, Bucky said, “Shuri thinks she can get the words out of my head. So it won’t be forever. It may just take some time.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.”
If he thought he was making you feel better, he was wrong. You shook your head; could you even change his mind?
“I almost killed you, Y/N,” Bucky said seriously. His tone snapped you out of your stupor, and you met his intense blue eyes. “If there’s a chance of that happening again, even 1%, I can’t risk it.”
“It won’t,” you said defiantly.
But he quickly disagreed, “Y/N, please. I’m doing this because I love you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it’s the only way I can keep you safe.”
To keep you safe… Because he loves you… It seemed contradictory for him to leave you when you needed him.
But then again, you could see the pain in his eyes. How badly he was hurting.
If you didn’t let him do this, what did that make you? Not his partner, the person he can trust. Yes, it would be hard to be without him, but you could do it, right? You would wait for him.
You took a deep breath. Maybe his decision wasn’t all about you and what you needed. Maybe he was trying to keep himself safe. Maybe this is what Bucky needed. And if you loved him…
You could let him go. For now.
“Okay,” you said finally, sadly. “Okay.”
Bucky’s face broke out in relief. His eyes reddened with tears, and he pulled you into a tight embrace.
“I love you so much,” he said. “When I found out I hurt you, I almost… I didn’t…”
“I love you too,” you said. You kissed the side of his head, trying to remember the way his hair felt beneath your hand. “I love you so much.”
You stood in his embrace, hearing his breath shuddering beneath you, for what felt like an eternity. But, even an eternity wouldn’t be long enough to say goodbye.
More than anything, you wanted him to feel peace. So you told him softly, “I’m going to be okay, Bucky. I promise. And I’ll be right here when you’re done.”
“I love you,” he said again. He could say it a million times and it would never get old.
After a few moments, you heard the door open; Steve and a medical team walked in. Bucky separated from you, hastily wiping his eyes.
“I’ll stay with you,” you told him. Bucky nodded gratefully.
“It’s time,” a medical team member said.
Bucky gave you one last embrace before hugging Steve, who patted his back in support. It only took a few steps for Bucky to enter the thin chamber and for the tube to enclose him.
“Take a deep breath,” the medical team member instructed.
Bucky closed his eyes and followed instructions. And just like that, he was gone.