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Minseok sits down at the edge of the cliff, eyes looking towards the vast sea under his feet, unfocused. The wave is splashing dangerously, angry sounds splashing hard against the rocky cliff, but Minseok hears nothing.
His feet are dangling, unconsciously swaying, enjoying the cold breeze hitting his skin. The wind is howling, cold creeping into him, but Minseok feels nothing.
The cold is nothing when your heart is already numb.
The words he heard before keep on replaying inside his head. His heart is numb, but Minseok can still feel the pain as one hand hovers on the place where his heart is, clenching hard as to make the pain more bearable.
Minseok hyung, I'm sorry.
Minseok wishes to say that it's alright, he understands. Minseok wishes to say that he is strong, so he is fine. Minseok wishes to say that those words don't affect him.
Minseok wishes to say that he is truly happy for him.
But Minseok would be a liar if he says so. Because in no way he is alright right now and in no way those words don't affect him. In no way he is fine and in no way he can be truly happy when his heart is breaking to pieces.
It hurts. It hurts to know that the person you love all this time is going to be married with someone else.
Minseok is a coward. Minseok knows this fact and he hates it.
A lot of scenarios fill his head. Tons of what ifs, countless of if onlys...
If only I told him sooner.
If only I had the courage.
If only I weren't a coward.
If only Jongdae loved me back.
Minseok inhales sharply, steeling himself. No, he made a promise with himself not to cry. He has to be happy. Why is he crying for Jongdae's happiness? Minseok isn't selfish. Seeing Jongdae's smile is Minseok's wish. Knowing that Jongdae is happy is Minseok's wish.
And Minseok's wish has finally become true.
But then, if his wish has finally become true, then why is he crying? Why can't he stop the tears that are already rolling down his cheeks? Why can't he stop crying, to the point that his breath feels heavy and his eyes are all red and puffy?
Minseok wills himself to stop. He coughs for a moment, hiccuping as he slows down into a stop. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.
Perhaps, this is only a dream. Perhaps, if Minseok closes and opens his eyes later, he will wake up from this heartache and he will have his happy ending with the person he loves the most. Perhaps, he will wake up in a universe where Jongdae is in love with him and everything will be fine.
He stills himself, listening to the sound of waves angrily hitting the rocks, strangely calming for his heart. For a moment, it goes like that.
Then, he hears him.
Minseok hears him singing a sweet yet sad tune. The beautiful voice that calls him to this place. The beautiful voice he longs for. The beautiful voice that always haunts him in his dreams.
The same beautiful voice which makes his heart break.
The voice sounds like him so much and Minseok feels like he's about to cry again.
Minseok stands up from his sitting position and steps back. His head starts to spin.
"Minseok hyung," the voice says. "I'm sorry."
"Dae," Minseok croaks out. "Jongdae."
"Minseok hyung," the voice calls again. Jongdae's face pops into his mind, sporting a sad smile on his face that honestly looks out of place. Jongdae looks better with a wide smile that radiates his warmth to the world. "I'm hurting you, aren't I?"
Minseok wants to say something, but the words die down in his throat. Minseok wants to say that no, this is just him being ridiculous and irrational. He should be happy for him. But also yes, his heart is breaking and the pain is unbearable and suffocating him.
"No. You aren't." In the end, that's all he manages to say.
Minseok feels the cold cupping his cheeks and he shivers.
"Then, why were you crying?" Jongdae asks. Minseok feels Jongdae's cold fingers brushing against his eyelids, wiping the tears that have long gone dry. "Weren't you crying because of me?"
Minseok says nothing. He doesn't have the courage to voice all his fears out loud. He doesn't have the courage to strip himself bare, free from all the things that make him afraid and worried. Minseok doesn't have the courage to hear himself admitting that yes, he is hurting and instead he locks himself even more.
Minseok feels himself getting embraced.
"It's okay, Minseok hyung," Jongdae says slowly. "I understand."
Minseok inhales, but he's shaking uncontrollably. He inhales again, but everything comes down crashing on him again.
He cries.
He cries in Jongdae's embrace, shaking and sobbing again for the God-knows-how-many-times-already since the news first broke out. He clutches Jongdae, hard, afraid of letting him go. He is afraid that Jongdae would disappear into thin air if he didn't hold him as tight as he can.
"Don't go," Minseok pleads in a small voice.
"I'm not going anywhere, hyung." Jongdae assures him. "You and I, we will be one forever."
"What about your fiancee?" Minseok questions. "Aren't you going to marry her?"
Jongdae is silent for a moment before he speaks again. "You are the most important for me, hyung. Wherever you go, I go."
Jongdae is silent for a moment and Minseok briefly wonders what happens. But then, Jongdae speaks again, a little quiet. "Will you do the same to me too?"
Will he follow wherever Jongdae goes?
The answer is: obviously. It doesn't matter wherever he goes, whatever he faces, as long as he has Jongdae with him.
So he nods and he can feel Jongdae smiling against his hair.
"But how do I know that you aren't just my imagination?" Minseok quietly asks.
Jongdae says nothing, but later he feels a cold, gentle kiss on his lips. Soft and tender, like kissing the wind.
Minseok eagerly kisses him back. Hungrily, like Jongdae has sucked out all air from his lungs and he kisses him to get the air back. Slowly, because it is Jongdae and Minseok wants to feel him longer. Softly, like Jongdae is made of glass and Minseok is afraid of breaking him and losing him forever.
Jongdae loves me.
They part and Minseok opens his eyes. He sees Jongdae, smiling at him. A bit blurry, because God he is crying again. Jongdae laughs sweetly like he usually does and wipes his tears with his hand gently again.
"Do not cry, for we will be together forever," he promises and Minseok wants to hold onto that promise for the rest of his life.
"Will you follow me, Minseok hyung?" Jongdae offers Minseok his hand. "Let's go and see the sea together, shall we?"
"Is that your promise of forever?" Minseok questions and Jongdae just smiles, but Minseok believes in Jongdae's smile.
Minseok accepts Jongdae's hand and he smiles at the sight of their fingers intertwining. He holds him tight, ready to follow him wherever he goes.
"Close your eyes," Jongdae says. "I will bring you with my magic."
"You have magic powers?" Minseok giggles.
"I do. And I'm using it only for you," Jongdae says. So Minseok believes him and closes his eyes.
"Follow my voice, Minseok hyung."
Always, Minseok thinks to himself, as he steps forward following that sweet voice and feels himself fly.