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With a tired sigh, Lovino Vargas dragged himself to the shade of the porch and collapsed. Sweat was trickling down his face and back, making his shirt stick to his skin and sting where he’d gotten cuts digging around the large garden. There was a dizzy feeling in his head that refused to go away even when he closed his eyes and tried to take steady breaths. He didn’t want to move his limbs ever again.
People had called him lazy all his life. They should have seen him now, after he’d busted his ass off in the old Sorrentinos’ garden for shit pay. Then they would have had to eat their words and admit that they’d been wrong about him, every damn one of them, starting with Feliciano.
But that was never happening because everyone whose opinion mattered to him was gone. Thinking about that, and the festering ache of how they’d left him behind, burned his face worse than the sun ever could. Better get back to work, even if he fucking fainted. Taking a break just gave him a chance to think and remember and be angry.
Drawing a deep breath, Lovino heaved himself up from the ground and sat up. His scowl deepened as he spotted something moving on the dusty road that led up the hill to the estate. It was the form of a man, slowly making his way towards the house and swaying a little as he walked, a jacket draped over his arm.
Lovino’s first thought was that it was noon and the dumbass wasn’t wearing a hat. The second was that they hadn’t had visitors in a long time, so maybe he was just hallucinating. If so, his mind could have at least showed him some more attractive phantoms because as the man got closer, it became clear he was buff and blond - a combination Lovino had always found off-putting but thought was downright revolting these days.
The man stopped in the middle of the yard and wiped his forehead. It wasn’t a long walk from town, but maybe he wasn’t used to the southern heat in August.
“Excuse me? Is there anyone here?”
Oh, crap. A foreigner, too. Lovino had already guessed the guy probably wasn’t from around these parts, but the way he mangled the Italian words before they left his mouth made it obvious he was a tourist. They weren’t common in this nook of the country, but even one was too many. They gawked at everything and acted like they’d come to some kind of funland where everyone and everything was there for their convenience.
These fields, this town, this estate, they were Lovino’s home. His earliest memories were of stumbling after his grandfather on these roads, torn between the petty desire to fall behind on purpose because Grandpa was carrying Feliciano but not him, and worry that if he did so, they’d just keep going without him. This was where he’d first fallen in love, gotten his heart broken, cried with his brother after they’d buried their grandfather, danced, sung and bought into the lie that some things would always stay the same. This was where he’d stay forever, and he didn’t want to show it off to strangers who understood nothing.
He decided he’d keep quiet until the man gave up and left. There’d be nobody else at the estate until late in the evening. He could come back then and talk to the Sorrentinos if it was important. Lovino would be back home by then and wouldn’t have to see him again.
But then the swaying that he’d already noticed got worse, and the man took a stumbling step backwards that told Lovino he was about to collapse. Oh, shit. If he hit his head and cracked his skull, Lovino might laugh at first, but he was the one who’d have to dig him a grave in this heat and lie that he’d never stopped by. He didn’t want a dead tourist on his hands, at least if there was a chance he’d shoulder the blame.
“Hey, you!” he called out and began marching towards the man. “Don’t you dare faint on me!”
The surprise of seeing another person seemed to shock the man enough that he got a hold of himself and stood upright again.
“Oh, good day. I’m sorry to bother, but -”
“Yeah, yeah, tell me later. Come on, follow me!”
Lovino was glad the man did as he was told without questions. Up close, he could see the redness on his cheeks and the unfocused look in his eyes and knew that it was better to get him into shade as quickly as possible. He rolled his eyes but felt some satisfaction that he’d been right. Why did these people come here if they weren’t prepared? Idiots.
“Sit down,” he said when they reached the porch. The man did so and took a seat at the stone steps that led to a side entrance into the house. He didn’t move or try to talk again as Lovino went inside to get a towel and a bucket that he filled it with water from the well. When he got back, he tossed the towel into the bucket and left it at the man’s feet.
“There. Take off your shirt and put that over your shoulders.”
The man lifted his head to look at him in dazed confusion. His eyes were the kind of blue that Lovino had only seen in pictures, but the realization didn’t make the man any more endearing to him.
“You want me to take off my shirt?”
“Unless you want it to get wet.”
“Oh. I thought I misunderstood you. My Italian is -”
“Shit. Yeah, I can tell.”
The water in the well was cool even in the worst heat of the summer. Lovino went to get more for them to drink. When he came back, the man had done as he’d instructed. He’d moved to lean against the wall and had his eyes closed. Lovino spent a few seconds looking up and down his body and wondered what kind of a job a man had to have to build up that much muscle.
“Don’t sleep. Drink this,” he said and offered the man a glass.
“Thank you. I’m sorry to be this much trouble.”
“You’d be more trouble if you got sick or died here. Anyway, what do you want? This is a private home and not a tourist attraction for you to trample all over and take shitty polaroids of!”
“That’s not why I’m here. I’m on my way to Naples. I didn’t mean to stop here, but my car broke down.”
Oh, so their little town wasn’t good enough for him? Typical, these stuck-up people from the north thought they were better than everyone else.
“And?” Lovino pressed, putting as much displeasure as he could into that one word.
“I was hoping I could get some help here. If not, maybe I can use your phone?”
“We don’t have one. There’s a payphone in town. By the post office.”
“And which way is that?”
“What, didn’t you come from there?”
“No, I’ve been walking for hours and never passed a town.”
“What the hell? Then where did you come from?”
The man dug into his pants pockets and pulled out a piece of paper. He unfolded it and handed it over to Lovino. At first, he had no idea what it was supposed to be, but then he recognized some of the names written on it and realized it was a map - a really shitty map that’d make anyone get hopelessly lost.
“What the fuck is this? You’re never getting to Naples if you follow this route! Where did you get this?”
“A helpful patron I met at the last hotel sold it to me after I lost my own map.”
“And you just followed this even though a child could tell it’s totally wrong? You bought it from some swindler, ha!”
The man got an offended look on his face like Lovino had just insulted his religion.
“I don’t argue with maps,” he said.
Lovino made a disgusted sound at the back of his throat and crumbled the map into a ball in his hands before tossing it back to the man.
“Buy a real map at the post office when you go to town,” he said.
“Would there happen to be a car repair shop, too?”
“No, but you can probably find a few guys who can take a look. In fact, why don’t you go immediately and get off my back? I’ve got things to do!”
“You’re right. I’m sorry I’ve caused so much trouble. If you’d like, I can pay for the water.”
“Tch, don’t be dumb. Just get out of here!”
It was only after the man had put his shirt back on and made it half-way to the front gate that Lovino realized he’d just start feeling woozy again without a hat. Annoyed that he could still call out to him and therefore had no excuse to just let it be, he grabbed an old straw hat that he sometimes wore to the fields and hurried after him.
“Put this on,” he said and shoved the hat into the man’s hands.
“Really? Thank you.”
“I didn’t say you can keep it! Leave it at the post office, and I’ll pick it up tomorrow.”
It was usually around this point that most strangers grew fed up with Lovino’s attitude and were more than happy to excuse themselves. It made him mad, but he knew he only had himself to blame. Of course people didn’t like someone who treated them like the crap stuck on their shoes. It was just too damn hard to change patterns that he’d learned before he could write, especially since being nice to people and showing he cared about them had never led to anything good.
“That’s more than fair enough,” the man said, and the faintest smile briefly appeared on his face as he offered Lovino his hand. “I know it’s a little unconventional to introduce myself when we’re saying goodbye, but I’m Ludwig Beilschmidt. I’m here from Bonn. Thank you for your help.”
Lovino shook the man’s hand, feeling dazed. Goddammit, now the sun was getting to him, too!
“L-lovino Vargas. And if I’d known you were German, I’d have done nothing!”
Ludwig put the hat on his head. It clashed terribly with his nice shirt and pants.
“I’ll be on my way,” he said and began walking towards the gate. Lovino watched him until he was only a dot on the road, then clapped his hands together like after a job well done. Good riddance. Finally he was gone. He’d never have to see him again.
***
It was only six hours later that Lovino had to see Ludwig again. He’d already stopped his work in the garden for the day as the sun would start setting soon. He was in the middle of washing his hands and face when he heard the sound of the Sorrentinos’ car. The old couple had been visiting friends and left him with a list of chores to finish in the meantime.
He hadn’t done all of it. The new roof tiles would have to wait until later, but he’d decided he’d use Ludwig as a convenient excuse. He’d say he’d been watching over a dumb tourist for hours to make sure he was fine, so there was just no way he could have finished everything in time.
Except that it wasn’t just the old Sorrentino and his wife getting out of the car. She pushed over the passenger seat so that one more person could climb out from the back. It was Ludwig, looking a little bewildered but much healthier than earlier.
“Oh, Lovino! Good that you’re still here! You’ve got to listen to this!” Sorrentino said and waved him over. “When we stopped for some refreshments in town, we ran into this man trying to find lodgings! Turns out his car broke down in the middle of nowhere, so he has nowhere to go until it can be fixed. We’ve decided to put him up for a couple of nights.”
“Isn’t that exciting? We haven’t had guests in a long time!” his wife added.
It took all of Lovino’s self-control not to voice his displeasure, but it had to show on his face. Ugh, he couldn’t believe it. He’d have to endure that potato eater’s mug for a couple of days at least and couldn’t tell him to fuck off since he was a guest.
“Don’t look so unhappy about it! It’s good to have some more life around here again. It’s been about a year since Feliciano left, right?” Sorrentino said, and it twisted Lovino’s stomach that he was clearly supposed to be happy about this stranger suddenly bothering the peaceful mundaneness of his life.
“Of course you’ll stay for dinner, too,” Sorrentinos said to him. “It’ll be so much fun to have some real table conversation again!”
“Right! Show him to one of the guestrooms, alright? The one closest to the stairs was just cleaned. And then come downstairs when you’re ready,” Sorrentino said. With that, he and his wife went inside with their bags, leaving Lovino alone with their guest.
“Here’s your hat back,” Ludwig said.
Lovino snatched it from him. “This is pretty fucking convenient for you, huh?”
“What do you mean?”
“Getting to mooch off my employers instead of paying for a room in town. Just what sob story did you weave for them?”
“They’re the ones who approached me with their offer. They heard me explain my situation to the woman at the post office and said they’d put me up for the night,” Ludwig said, an annoyed scowl appearing on his face at the tone Lovino was using with him. “And I didn’t know this is where they live. If I had, I would have declined.”
The straightforwardness of that stung more than Lovino was ready to admit. He hadn’t even been that rude to him earlier that day, by his standards, and yet Ludwig already hated him so much he could just blurt out things like that? It shouldn’t have mattered since he didn’t like him, either, but in Lovino’s world, he was allowed to openly dislike people, but he hated it when they did the same in return.
“Oh, yeah? You’ve still got time to say you changed your mind and go back to town!”
“I’ve done enough walking today. I just want to rest. Excuse me,” Ludwig said and stepped past him towards the house.
Lovino was bristling at being pushed aside like that when he was ready for a fight, but he had no choice but to follow Ludwig inside. He didn’t want to risk the dinner invitation. Giana Sorrentino’s cooking was the highlight of his day whenever he was asked to stay. He was pretty good in the kitchen himself, but after a hard day, it was nice to sit at the table without having to do any of the work.
And the Sorrentinos were right about one thing. Dinner was always better when there was company.
He showed Ludwig into one of the guestrooms. They hadn’t been used in a while, but a girl from town came by once a week to clean them anyway.
“This is a lovely tiled floor,” Ludwig said and stopped to admire it. “Very symmetrical.”
“Uh-huh. Anyway, there’s a bathroom with running water at the other end of the hallway if you want to get cleaned up.”
That made a worried look rise on Ludwig’s face.
“I left my luggage in my car, and I’ve been walking in these clothes all day. I’m afraid I have nothing to wear for dinner.”
“Well, don’t look at me! Do I look like my clothes would fit you?”
“Could I borrow some baking soda? I don’t think there’s time for anything better right now.”
“Are you some kind of a neat freak? Nobody cares if you show up reeking of sweat,” Lovino said. He often wore the same shirt he’d been working in all day for dinner, but this time he was planning to slip home and change into something clean just so Ludwig would look bad by comparison. The Sorrentinos were nice people and would at least notice, even if they didn’t say anything. It was petty and dumb, but he loved it. Just thinking about it made it hard to fight the grin that was threatening to split his face.
“I care,” Ludwig said bluntly. “Can I have that baking soda?”
Lovino went downstairs to get him some. When he returned, Ludwig had taken off his shirt. He’d already seen his bare chest earlier, so it shouldn’t have gotten any kind of reaction out of him - other than curling his lips in disgust, which he couldn’t accomplish now even though he tried. But damn, this man was wide. Just out of curiosity, nothing else, Lovino would have liked to touch his arms, just to find out if they felt as firm as they looked.
“Here,” he said and handed him the jar of baking soda.
“Thank you.”
Ludwig began to work the baking soda into a paste with water he’d gotten from the bathroom. There was a concentrated frown on his face as he worked, and it took him a while to notice that Lovino was still there.
“I think I can manage this on my own,” he said. “It’s fine if you leave.”
What the hell? What had Lovino ever done to make this guy treat him like this? He’d saved him from the sun and given him everything he’d asked for! Did he think he was better than him now because he was a guest, and Lovino only hired help?
“Yeah, okay! That’s fine!” he snapped and turned around to march out of the room. He’d go straight home and get the clothes he wore for church and make sure that asshole felt embarrassed in his sweaty rags! That’d show him!
Sorrentino noticed him just as he was about to step outside and came to talk to him about the day’s work. The estate was large, but the old couple was renting the lands to someone else, wanting to enjoy the rest of their days in peace. Lovino was the only one they’d kept in regular employ. He suspected it was because his grandfather had been friends with them, but he couldn’t complain. Work in the gardens and some repairs around the house were good enough for him.
“I see you didn’t get started on the roof yet. You promised to start last week.”
“Oh, yeah, uh… I was going to, but… I don’t know if he told you, but that guy actually showed up here earlier. He almost died from the heat! I had to nurse him back to health and stay by his side the whole time, so I just couldn’t get much done today.”
Sorrentino’s disappointed frown disappeared immediately. “Oh! But that’s different! Good that you were here, or who knows what would have happened. The sun is treacherous if you aren’t used to it.”
“Yeah!”
He stomped home, annoyed at how unfairly the world was treating him. Shit, now he’d have to convince Ludwig to go along with his story and claim he’d been feeling a lot worse than he had. Otherwise he’d get caught lying and they’d figure out he’d taken a three-hour nap when he should have been working.
But how could he get Ludwig on his side? The potato-eater hated him.
This problem kept his mind busy until he made it home. He was living in a small house not too far from the road that led to town. There was a little land attached to it, just enough that his grandfather had been able to grow his own vegetables and work for his friend to afford everything else. It had annoyed Lovino to live there as a child because it had felt so crowded and loud when he, Feliciano and his grandfather were all at home, but now he hated it because it was too much space just for him.
But it was his, and he’d never give it up, no matter how hard life got. He wasn’t like his brother.
Lovino hadn’t moved into his grandfather’s bedroom even though there was nobody else living with him. He still slept in the small side room that he and Feliciano had shared as children. All he’d done was move all of his brother’s things into a shed outside. He’d threatened to throw them all away, but he hadn’t felt like doing it yet. Too much effort, or so he liked to think.
He hated cleaning, and now that there was nobody to tell him to do it, junk was piling up. It was a blessing he didn’t own too many sets of clothes or cups and plates because the mess was bad enough as it was. The only thing he kept clean and straightened out was the shirt he wore for church because nothing was an effective motivator like feeling everyone’s eyes burn into you at Mass.
He snorted to himself as he imagined letting Ludwig borrow his shirt. He’d get it back ripped in half. He doubted Ludwig would have fit into it even when he was fifteen. He was built like -
Lovino frowned and tossed his shirt over the chair. He walked into his grandfather’s bedroom where dust had gathered on every surface since he didn’t like sticking his nose there unless he absolutely had to. He and Feliciano had never gone through their grandfather’s things like they should have, so everything was still where he’d left it. That included all of his clothes.
His grandfather had been a large man, both physically and as a personality. Lovino remembered how awestruck he’d always been by him, and how much he’d wanted him to acknowledge him. He’d never been as brilliant or beloved as Feliciano, but he liked to think his grandfather would have been happy that he kept the house occupied.
The shirt he pulled out of the closet smelled stuffy, and he was surprised bugs or mice hadn’t eaten holes into it. He gave it a few violent shakes to air it out a little and turned it over in his hands. Good enough. It wasn’t his grandfather’s nicest shirt, but he wasn’t about to let a German wear one of those. They’d rot in the closet because Lovino was never going to be big enough to fill them, but so be it.
“The bastard had better grovel at my feet in gratitude,” Lovino muttered, and the thought improved his mood a great deal. That was better than humiliating him at dinner. He got changed and hurried back to the Sorrentinos, only to find Ludwig still trying to do miracles with baking soda.
Lovino didn’t even try to hide his spiteful grin. “Well, well, how’s that coming along? Any progress?”
“A little,” Ludwig said, not even looking up from his work.
“Ha, I don’t think that’s going to be enough! And now it’s got wet smears on it! Are you really going to wear that for dinner?”
Now Ludwig looked at him, and the expression on his face was one of long-suffering. It got under Lovino’s skin more than he was ready to admit. He wanted to get a reaction out of him, make him mad so that he’d know for sure that his words were hitting him. If he just looked at him like that, it made feel like he was the clown worth mockery.
“I don’t have much choice, do I?” Ludwig asked.
“Well, I just miiiiiight let you borrow this,” Lovino said and pulled his grandfather’s shirt from behind his back. “But only if you ask nicely!”
“I thought you said you didn’t have anything for me.”
“It’s not mine! It’s my grandfather’s! I’m just letting you have it!” Lovino said and tossed the shirt at him even though he hadn’t even asked yet.
“Then I’ll have to thank him, too.”
“That’s going to be hard. He’s dead.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. Is it okay for me to have this, then?”
“He’s gonna need it less now than if he was alive. And I expect to get it back washed and ironed!”
“I guess that’s the least I can do. Thank you.”
The bastard could have at least smiled at him when he said that, but barely a muscle moved on his face. Lovino was annoyed that he couldn’t get more out of the man, but if he wanted him on his side, he couldn’t yell at him much more
“Anyway, if Sorrentino asks, tell him you were feeling weak and rested here for a couple of hours earlier today,” he said.
“Why? I was here only for -”
“I know that! I want you as my alibi! It’s the least you can do as thanks for the shirt!”
“Were you doing something you shouldn’t have?” Ludwig asked, clear suspicion in his voice.
“Nah, the opposite. I wasn’t doing something I should have. The roof needs some work, but give me a break. Who’s going to get shit done in that heat?” He was entirely expecting Ludwig to agree with him, considering that he’d been about to collapse from just walking under the sun. But his face was suddenly a mask of such disapproval that it sent a chill down Lovino’s spine.
Ludwig’s voice washed over him like thunder.
“Avoiding your responsibilities is unacceptable! You will fix the roof first thing tomorrow, and I’ll be there to watch!”
“Eek! Okay!”
Lovino bolted out of the room. Once he was safely downstairs, he spent a moment calming down his racing heart and wondering about his frightened reaction. Holy shit, that guy had some voice! There was something commanding about him that made it feel natural to do exactly what he said. He guessed some people just had that air around them.
Dinner was orecchiette with clams and zucchini flowers, followed by octopus and potato salad. Mrs. Sorrentino had done her best since they rarely had guests over, and Lovino was sure that the salad was just to make Ludwig happy. It wasn’t bad, but he didn’t eat potatoes unless he had to.
As he listened to the old couple bombard Ludwig with questions - where was he from, why had he come to this part of the country when the popular tourist towns were elsewhere, how long was he planning to say, what had he seen already - and the brief but polite answers Ludwig gave them, his mind began to wander. Ludwig’s story was so inoffensive and boring that it couldn’t be the full truth. Would someone really travel all the way down to southern Italy, all alone, based on nothing but the recommendation of a colleague?
And he was getting awfully well along with the Sorrentinos. He’d gotten them on his side and now they were offering for him to stay longer at their place if he felt like it. They’d feed him and give him a bed and expected nothing in return. That was a damn sweet deal. Maybe that had been Ludwig’s intention all along? Maybe he was a foreign scammer who’d scouted the place first and then made friends with the owners so he could take advantage of them? What if he disappeared with the valuables one night?
The more he thought about it, the more obvious it was. This bastard probably thought he was being subtle since Germans weren’t known for this kind of thing, but Lovino was onto him. He’d watch him like a hawk. Voicing his suspicions now would only make everyone mad at him.
When Ludwig offered to clean the table and do the dishes, Lovino was more certain than ever that he was right. It was a great way to worm his way into Mrs. Sorrentino’s heart without actually having to do anything because she’d rather die than let a guest help in the kitchen. Lovino glared at Ludwig the whole time as she drove him out of the room and ignored his protests that he wanted to be of use.
“Then, I will pay you back for your hospitality by helping with the roof tomorrow,” Ludwig said to Sorrentino as they were having a glass of wine.
“That can wait. First you have to check up on your car, right? You and Lovino can take the tractor and bring your car here. Someone from town can have a look at it.”
Lovino was glad to hear that. If they took their time, they’d get to avoid the work on the roof for most of the day and could barely get started. He’d have to do it eventually, but the further he could push it into the future, the better.
But then the German bastard ruined his perfect plan.
“If we leave well before sunrise, there’s no reason we can’t do both.”
“What? Don’t be ridiculous! Are you some kind of a masochist that enjoys that much work?”
“I just feel it’s the least I can do after everyone has been so helpful. The sooner I can continue my journey, the better for everyone.”
Well, he was definitely right about that! Lovino couldn’t wait to see him and his damn car disappear down the road.
“But you’re right that there’s something very satisfying about honest work. It’s hard to get that sense of accomplishment elsewhere. I’m sure we’ll have a productive day tomorrow,” Ludwig continued, and that was when Lovino realized he wasn’t a masochist but a sadist.
***
It was still dark when Lovino woke up to the sound of knocking on his door. It was muted at first because he immediately buried his head under his pillow to escape it, but it grew in volume until he had no choice but to crawl out of bed, was worried the door would get knocked off its hinges.
“Get up! It’s four already!”
“Four? What the fuck?” Lovino muttered under his breath and fumbled in the dark to find something to put on. He found a pair of underwear that he was sure was passable and went to open the door.
“What’s your problem? It’s still night!” he asked, shielding his eyes from the flashlight that Ludwig was holding in his hand.
“You were supposed to help me with my car. If we want to be back in time to do some repairs on the roof before noon, we need to leave now.”
“Yeah, well who said anything about wanting to do the repairs before noon? We can do it in the evening! Or tomorrow! And turn that light somewhere other than my face!”
“Oh, sorry,” Ludwig said. “I don’t want to be a burden any longer than necessary. The sooner I help with the roof and get my car fixed, the sooner I can go.”
“And you don’t think you’re being a burden by waking everyone up at this hour?” Lovino stepped aside to have a look in the direction of the Sorrentino estate, which was one of the only places outside town to have electricity. They had influential friends, so they’d gotten a power line drawn to the estate even though the system wasn’t meant to expand to this area yet.
There was no light in the distance, so he guessed Ludwig hadn’t awoken anyone on his way out.
“Just you, and you agreed to help me yesterday.”
Only because Sorrentino had told him to, and because there was one thing Ludwig had said that Lovino wholeheartedly agreed with. The sooner he was gone, the better. But Lovino was absolutely certain that his words about wanting to pay the Sorrentinos back for their help were bullshit. The only reason he wanted to do this so early was to annoy him because he didn’t like him.
“Let me at least make some coffee first,” he said. “Or do you want to do this on an empty stomach to save time, huh?”
“Of course not, but I was thinking we’d have breakfast on the way. I packed a basket.”
And indeed he had. He lifted it higher for Lovino to see. There was a sheet of fabric over it that prevented him from seeing what was inside. He eyed it suspiciously but decided that since the food had come from the Sorrentinos’ kitchen, it wouldn’t kill him.
“And coffee?”
“I filled a small thermos. And before you ask, no, it’s not instant coffee. I made it with a moka pot.
In one of his letters, Feliciano had described in detail what kind of sewage water passed as coffee up north. Lovino had shuddered in horror as he’d read it but thought it was a punishment his brother more than deserved for leaving. Nevertheless, he’d sent him a care package the next day because after their grandfather’s death, the two of them only had each other, and Lovino didn’t want to lose his brother to shit coffee. He didn’t have a lot of money, but he never scrimped on the pacco da giú he sent him.
The fed up look on Ludwig’s face told him that he’d had to hear all about coffee on his trip through Italy. At least it looked like he’d learned something. Maybe he’d take his new knowledge with him and do something good with it at home.
“Pour me some while I get dressed. Then we can go,” he said and went back to his bedroom.
They had to walk to the estate to get the tractor. It was an old piece of junk, but it worked, and Lovino was glad he didn’t have to do all the work in the fields by hand. He hopped on the seat and told Ludwig he could stand on the drawbar or stay at the estate. He was not letting him drive.
He realized the problem with that plan as soon as they got moving because the only way for Ludwig to stay on the damn thing was if he held onto Lovino’s shoulders. His hands were huge, and Lovino wondered if he’d be crushed under Ludwig’s weight if there was a bump in the road.
“Where did you leave your car?” he asked as he started the engine.
“I’ll tell you which way to go. I just hope I can find there in the dark.”
“Another reason why it was a dumb idea to do this before sunrise!”
It took them almost two hours to reach the spot where Ludwig’s car had broken down. There was nothing along this particular road, only fields and hills as far as the eye could see. Nobody ever came here except for farm work, so it was no surprise that all of Ludwig’s luggage was still there and there wasn’t a scratch on the car.
“I was a little worried. It’s not mine. I rented it for the summer,” he said.
“The whole summer? That’s how long you’re staying here? Don’t you have a job back home? Or are you some lazy bum from a rich family who doesn’t have to do anything?”
“Nothing like that,” Ludwig said and slammed the door of the car shut, satisfied that everything was exactly as he’d left it. “I just… I quit my job. I need some time to think right now.”
Lovino couldn’t say he was interested in whatever sob story the bastard might have to tell, so he was quick to suggest they attach the car to the tractor and return to the estate. He even added Ludwig could sit in the car on the way back, but he declined. Fine, but Lovino made sure to make it clear he wasn’t responsible if he fell off the drawbar and got run over by the car they were pulling along.
Sunlight was beginning to tint the dark sky and turn the horizon a golden color. They could see the hilly scenery and the occasional, solitary tree. It was the only kind of view Lovino knew and nothing he hadn’t seen a thousand times before, and yet he couldn’t stay cranky when he got to witness it in the short-lived moments between night and daylight.
“Can we stop here for a moment?” Ludwig asked.
“Why? I thought you were in a hurry.”
“Yes, but look at that.”
Lovino turned to see what Ludwig was pointing at. On top of one of the hills to their left, in the direction of the rising sun, there was… actually, what the heck was that? Rubble?
“I don’t see anything that’s -”
He never finished because Ludwig jumped off the drawbar and started running up the hill. Lovino had no choice but to stop the tractor and stare at him. What had gotten into him? But as the sunlight grew brighter, he soon realized what had caught his attention. It drew an amused chortle out of him, and he was glad Ludwig wasn’t there to witness it.
Foreigners were all the same.
He grabbed Ludwig’s picnic basket and began to follow him. When he reached the top of the hill, Ludwig was busy admiring a chunk of an old pillar, half-buried in the ground. Lovino put down the basket and hopped to sit on the ruins.
“You shouldn’t do that! It’s an ancient monument!”
“It’s a piece of junk. Crap like this is all over the place and makes it hard to farm and build roads. And what are you getting excited about? You can find more impressive ruins anywhere.”
Lovino gave a dismissive look at their surroundings. The remains of stone steps, maybe the entrance to what had once been a big house, and two pillars, one of which was broken and lying partly buried in the ground. There was nothing interesting about it, and he couldn’t believe that Ludwig could get so worked up even though he must have seen so much more on his way through the country.
“Maybe it’s not much compared to the temples or aqueducts, but it’s easy to imagine how great it must have been in its heyday. Don’t you think that if we did some digging, we’d find the impluvium somewhere over there?”
“Beats me. Maybe?”
Good thing they didn’t have anything to dig with, Lovino thought. The excited tremble in Ludwig’s voice told him that he just might have done it, and Lovino had zero interest in what he considered fruitless labor.
“Who do you think might have lived here? Perhaps a retired legionary or general? Or maybe this was the holiday residence of a merchant or a politician?”
Foreigners always went for something fancy like that, but the pillars were made from good stone that not just everyone could have afforded. Lovino ran his hand down the one he was sitting on and wondered for the first time what had stood here maybe eight hundred years ago. His fascination would pass once he had to get back to work and his mind filled with more mundane matters like getting hungry, but for now it was hard to resist the excitement that was radiating from Ludwig.
Ludwig seemed to know what he was talking about. He could mention dates and events beyond the average hobbyist and went on and on about his admiration for ancient Roman culture.
This was something Lovino would never admit, but it made him feel good to see someone from so far up north talking about his homeland and his history with that breathless tone and cheeks tinted red with emotion. Most people from elsewhere treated southerners like they were lazy buffoons who’d never accomplished anything. When people thought of Italy’s achievements, they thought of the north, even though the south had just as much to offer.
“If you really want to know, ask some historian. They might be able to dig it up,” he said and wondered how to ask him to share the information with him without coming across like he cared.
Then he remembered the basket with the food and picked it up. He lifted the fabric to see what Ludwig had packed, other than coffee.
“What’s all this?” he asked.
“Breakfast.”
“But all this? There’s at least a quarter a cake in here! And sandwiches!” Then again, Lovino guessed a guy built like Ludwig had to eat a lot. Stuffing his face was one of Lovino’s favorite pastimes, so he couldn’t judge, but so much food so early in the morning made him a little squeamish.
“Breakfast is important,” Ludwig said firmly and reached for a sandwich. “I didn’t know what kind you like, so I made them all different.”
Ugh, then Lovino would have to try one and finish it, or he’d look like an asshole. Obviously he didn’t care what this guy thought of him, but this had to be a convoluted trap. He was sure Ludwig knew that was exactly what he thought, and he was trying to make him look bad on purpose by being so nice and expecting Lovino to react badly.
Or maybe he was overthinking it. To Lovino’s dismay, he found himself thinking that all his suspicions and petty behavior had been misplaced. Perhaps Ludwig was a decent guy after all.
He’d have some of the cake, he decided. Sweet foods were easier to stomach in the morning.
There were cherries in the cake, but the taste was a little different from usual. Mrs. Sorrentino liked everything with as much sugar as the dough could take, but this had a somewhat sour taste to it. Maybe she’d tried a new recipe since they had a guest over. He would have croaked some shitty comment about how much trouble Ludwig was causing just by being there, but the cake was good, and he couldn’t bring himself to.
“Actually, I made it,” Ludwig said when Lovino instead said that if him being around made Mrs. Sorrentino experiment in the kitchen, he could maybe tolerate him for a little longer.
“What? But it’s good!”
“Did you think I’d be bad at baking?”
“I didn’t think you bake at all. You don’t seem the type,” Lovino said.
“It’s a good way to relax when you want something else to think about. I enjoy how you must follow exact measurements to get the result you want but can experiment with the balance when you understand how it works. And it’s nice to share the result with someone.”
Lovino took another bite of his slice and fought down the uneasy feeling that was welling up inside him. He didn’t understand this man.
“Nice, huh? Are you always nice to people you hate?” he grumbled.
Ludwig looked at in complete bewilderment. “But I don’t hate you.”
“What? Yeah, you do! You said you wouldn’t have accepted the Sorrentinos’ invitation if you’d known it was the estate where I work! You’ve got to hate me!”
“No, that’s not it! I said that because I thought you hate me, so I wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t coming back to make you uncomfortable on purpose.”
In hindsight, it was obvious that Lovino had given Ludwig far more reasons to think that than the other way around. All his thorny words and accusations when Ludwig had been nothing but polite would make anyone think he had something against him. People who’d known Lovino all his life were used to it and knew he didn’t mean most of what he said, but complete strangers had all the right to be put off.
He ran his hand through his hair and tried to think of words that’d he’d be able to force out of his mouth. Apologizing felt like drinking poison. All he’d done was be himself, and if he apologized for that, the next logical step was thinking about trying to change and be better. The things he might learn about himself if he went there frightened him.
“Okay, so I’m a little obnoxious, but that’s no reason to think that -” he started, sounding more defensive than he wanted, but Ludwig was quick to cut him off.
“Oh, it’s not that. I’m used to obnoxious, believe me. But you said you wouldn’t have helped me if you’d known I’m from Germany, and I thought that… it hasn’t been that long since the war. I thought that maybe you have some personal reason to resent Germans.”
That hadn’t even crossed Lovino’s mind. Of course he’d heard all kinds of opinions about Germany growing up, and there were people in town with wounds that’d never fully close because of all the husbands, sons and friends who’d never come back home because of a war many hadn’t even wanted to fight in. But he was too young to remember more than how his grandfather had told him to take Feliciano and go to the neighbors’ if he didn’t come back after a set number of days.
“I’m too young to have anything to do with the war,” he said. “And I assume so are you.”
“Yes, but you mentioned your grandfather, so I thought maybe -”
“He got his leg busted in the previous war so badly he didn’t fight in the last one.” At least, not in the army. He hadn’t cared for how their country had allied itself and had become involved in a resistance movement. He’d done plenty at home and had even been there to drive the German forces out of Naples. It had been one of his favorite stories to tell. Another thing he’d always told him and Feliciano, over and over again, had been not to hate people for the sins of their fathers. Lovino couldn’t find it in him to say many nice words about Germany as a country, but that wasn’t Ludwig’s fault.
“You’re right that I can’t stand Germany,” he said, “but that’s not because of the war. It’s because it’s the shit hole of a country where my kid brother decided to move for work! And not just him but half my friends, too!”
The look on Ludwig’s face was a mishmash of surprised confusion. Lovino waited for his reaction, his heart beating loudly in his ears because he hadn’t meant to say that and reveal his greatest weakness. He missed Feliciano so much that he always cried when he got a letter from him, but that wasn’t something he wanted anyone to know, especially this hunk of muscle.
Instead of saying anything right away, Ludwig took a bite out of his slice of cake.
“Are you mad at your brother for leaving?” he asked.
“What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I am! He could have found some work here. Maybe it wouldn’t have been fancy or taken him anywhere in life, but at least he’d be home! Even if it’s not a perfect life, it’s still better to live and die on the same spot of land where your ancestors did, right? But he had to go and search for something more! Entitled asshole!”
“But if he couldn’t be happy here -”
“Well, why not? I’m here. He left his only family behind! That’s selfish!”
“Maybe,” Ludwig said, and there was so much sadness packed into that one word that Lovino was surprised he could get it out without choking, “but don’t you think it’s also selfish to expect him to stay in a place where he feels he has no future?”
Of course it was, and Feliciano had told him as much during one of the fights they’d had before he’d left. He’d said he loved Lovino but that he didn’t want to waste away in their little town without ever becoming or seeing anything more. He’d asked Lovino to come with him. Lovino hadn’t even considered it. He was comfortable with what he had, no matter how little it was, and he was afraid of what might happen if he tried to get more and failed.
Feliciano was so much braver than him. Lovino was sure they were treating him like shit up north, and in his darkest moments he wished it’d get so bad Feliciano would have no choice but to come back and admit he’d been wrong. He was the shittiest older brother in the world. Feliciano had been right to get away from him.
He’d burned a few bridges with family friends in town who’d tried to reason with him. Blowing up at anyone who tried to tell him that it wasn’t fair to resent Feliciano was easier than letting it go. He knew he was the one being unreasonable, but he couldn’t admit that to anyone’s face. If he did, then he’d also have to admit how much it hurt him that he hadn’t been enough to keep Feliciano from going and that some part of him was jealous that he’d had the guts to leave. He was so bitter, but all he had left was the dignity of not admitting it.
He couldn’t bring himself to blow up at Ludwig, not anymore than he already had. The flame struggled and died out when he looked at him and saw how heartbroken he was. Lovino had no idea why any of this would have such an effect on him, but he knew he didn’t want to make him cry.
“I’m just letting out some steam, dumbass. I know I’m being selfish. You don’t have to tell me. I hate that he left, but he’s got to do a lot worse before I stop considering him my brother. Now give me more of that cake!”
Ludwig offered him the basket in silence. To be honest, Lovino didn’t feel like having even one more bite, but he knew that people who liked to cook were always happy to know someone enjoyed their food. He could deal with feeling squeamish for a few hours if it got rid of that troubled look on Ludwig’s face.
“You don’t even know my brother. You don’t have to look so sad. Everyone around here has someone who left to find work. It’s a common story,” he said.
“It’s just that I have a brother, too.”
“Oh? What’s he like?”
Ludwig laughed, but even that had a wistful tone to it. “I don’t think you two would get along.”
They spent a few more moments sitting on the ruins and watching the sun rise. The heat of the upcoming day soon caught up with them, and Lovino said he wanted to get back to the estate. The trip back would take longer since they were dragging Ludwig’s car with them.
This time, Ludwig said he’d sit in the car. It was what Lovino had wanted earlier, but now he thought the drive home was lonely. He felt a prickling sensation in his neck and had to stop himself from turning to look over his shoulder to see what Ludwig was doing. Clearly, he wanted a moment alone, and Lovino felt like even acknowledging his presence would be an invasion of his privacy.
With nobody to talk to, he had all the time in the world to think back to how he’d been treating Ludwig ever since he’d arrived. He’d been such a petty asshole for no reason, but he had time to fix that, right? He didn’t want Ludwig to leave and remember him as the dickhead he’d met on his travels.
***
By the time they returned to the estate, Ludwig was back to normal and took charge of the repairs. He was good with his hands and had worked in construction before, he said. Lovino no longer wondered how he’d gotten a body like that when he saw Ludwig carry more than twice the number of roof tiles than him.
Ludwig ordered him around like they were in the army and tolerated no slacking off. It was a long time since anyone had told Lovino what to do and expected him to do it, and at first the anger of it threatened to cause an eruption that’d put Mount Vesuvius to shame. But doing it Ludwig’s way brought results, and even though his limbs felt like cooked spaghetti by the time they had a break at noon, seeing progress filled him with a sense of accomplishment.
It made him happy, he thought in some surprise. He could rarely make himself do more than the bare minimum, and sometimes not even that, when he was by himself. He never enjoyed it, either. But now that he wasn’t alone, it was different.
He glanced at Ludwig who was sitting in the shade. Earlier, he’d poured water from the well on himself to cool down, and he hadn’t put his shirt back on yet. He didn’t look half bad after all, Lovino decided, even if he wasn’t his type. He was actually kind of pleasant to look at when his hair was wet and messy like this.
And when he’d announced they should have a break, he’d told Lovino they’d both earned it. Fuck, it was ages since anyone had said something nice to him and told him he’d done well. He liked that, and he’d work until he collapsed if it meant he could get some praise one more time before Ludwig had to leave.
He didn’t feel much guilt about finding him attractive. His grandfather had told him stories of his travels and all the types of love he’d experienced - much to Lovino’s horror as he hadn’t wanted to hear all that at the time. Now he was grateful because he was sure that without his grandfather being so open and accepting of different people, he would have grown up with one more reason to hate himself.
But other people’s reactions frightened him, so he turned his eyes away before Ludwig could catch him staring. He yawned and lay down as if he was going to take a nap. It was better to keep himself in check. It wasn’t like there was any hope of anything happening.
“We should get back to work. If we work hard, we can finish this by sunset,” Ludwig said.
“Ugh. We could just leave the rest for tomorrow. It’s not going to rain.”
“True,” Ludwig said, and for a glorious moment Lovino thought he was considering it, “but that wouldn’t be right. I promised Mr. Sorrentino we’d get this done today. Het let me use his tractor, and he said he’d ask someone in town to come and have a look at the car. I owe him so much.”
“He’s laid-back. A day or two longer wouldn’t bother him,” Lovino said.
“It’d bother me.”
Ludwig put his shirt back on and climbed up on the roof. Lovino followed him. There was a slight breeze that made it a little more bearable to be under the sun, and he stopped to admire that view around the estate. The hilly landscape spread as far as he could see with small roads slithering up and down along it. There was a wineyard to the west, but elsewhere everything was bathing in a golden color after they’d harvested the wheat.
To think that Feliciano had left all this behind. But he’d always been the ambitious one. As a kid, he’d talked about becoming an artist even though someone with such a humble background would never make it to art school, or have enough time for self-study. That was probably half the reason he’d left. Maybe he’d started feeling like his home was a cage.
There were plenty of broken tiles that had to be replaced on the eastern side of the building. Taking the old ones out and tossing them into the garden was fun, and Lovino couldn’t help but put some force into it so he could hear the satisfying crack when some of them broke.
“That’s dangerous. What if you hit someone?” Ludwig said.
“There’s nobody here but us. And if someone comes over and is hit by a tile, it doesn’t matter how hard I throw it. It’s going to split their skull anyway, from this height.” Lovino put a tile into Ludwig’s hand. “Come on, give it a shot. It’s fun.”
Ludwig considered it only for a moment, then threw the tile. It didn’t just crack when it hit the ground, it shattered with such a loud sound that it made Lovino jump.
“Shit,” he said.
“I still think it’s dangerous. What if a child wanders into the garden?”
“There are no families with kids within at least two kilometres!”
“Then… a stray dog? I don’t know what I’d do if we hit a dog.”
Ludwig looked so worried about that possibility that Lovino couldn’t bring himself to keep arguing. With a resigned sigh, he said he was going to go and get a basket for the old tiles. Using it to transport the tiles to the ground slowed them down, and it soon became clear that they wouldn’t finish the work in one day, but Ludwig seemed fine with it as long as all the dogs in the area were safe.
They decided to call it a day when it became clear they’d have to spend hours on the roof the next day even if they worked until it was dark. They’d taken off all the old ones and replaced about half of them. Lovino was so tired he would have just liked to lie down and fall asleep on the roof, but he was a restless sleeper and knew he’d roll to his side and tumble down to the ground.
There was still a sliver of light in the sky, a mix of gold and red splashed against the clouds. Looking at it made Lovino’s throat tighten with nostalgia for something he couldn’t name. Even though he was still right by his side, he felt lonely at the thought that Ludwig was leaving soon and he’d have to do his work alone again.
“So, what are you going to do next?” he asked.
“I promised to fix the roof, so I have to finish that tomorrow.”
“Yeah, but after that? How long are you staying in Italy before going home?”
The click clack of roof tiles being moved stopped. Lovino tore his eyes from the view and turned to look at Ludwig. He couldn’t see his features clearly in the little light they had, so he thought Ludwig looked like a ghost.
“Hey,” he prodded. “Answer the question!”
“I don’t know. There isn’t really a place for me to go back to.”
“What do you mean? You said you’re from Bonn.”
“That’s where I’ve been staying for the past year, but I have no ties to it. I quit my job and told my landlord I wouldn’t need my apartment anymore. There’s no reason to go back.”
“Then what about before? Where are you really from?”
Ludwig took a deep breath like he was preparing for a big announcement, but his voice was quiet when he said, “I told you that I have a brother, too.”
“And? Come on, if you’ve got something to say, out with it! I don’t want to drag every individual word out of you by force. I’ll do it if I have to, but you aren’t going to like it.” Lovino gave Ludwig repeated pokes in his knee with his finger as he spoke. Maybe he should have been more patient and let Ludwig take it at his own pace, but he was terrible at being gentle. Blurting everything out uncensored usually led to a disaster, but at least you could then start picking up the pieces.
“You were able to talk about your brother so openly, but whenever I try to do the same, it just feels like I can’t get a word out. I envy you. You’re so much more capable.”
Lovino wanted to laugh out loud at that. He was a mess who could never get across how much other people meant to him. But at least his emotions blew up when he shut them in long enough. Ludwig seemed more like a person who could go his entire life suffering in silence.
“I can get you drunk off your ass if that helps you talk,” Lovino suggested.
“No, thank you. I say embarrassing things when I’m drunk. Gilbert always mocks me afterwards, even though he’s the same. We should both just learn to say important things to each other when we’re sober.”
Ludwig craned his neck to look at the darkening sky. Some stars were already visible, but it’d be another while before they could see them all.
“We were born in Berlin. He’s older than me, and he practically raised me. He gave up a lot so I could have the best things available, and he always talked about how I’d become something great one day. I thought so, too, and I wanted to pay him back for everything when that happened.”
“I’m sure you know it’s a divided city,” Ludwig went on. “People were using the western part to leave. Gilbert and I lived in the east, but I had a job across the border. I told him we should both just go. I had a feeling something was going to go wrong.”
Ludwig’s entire frame shook with his next breath. “He said he agreed that things weren’t looking good. He told me to stay at my workplace and not come back. But he wouldn’t come with me until he’d taken care of something. He said not to worry. And like a fool, I believed him.”
“Hey, look -” Lovino said, not sure what he even wanted to say but completely regretting that he’d opened the floodgates and made Ludwig tell him this. It was too much. Lovino had no idea what kind of advice he could give. “He’s not dead, is he? You spoke of him in the present tense when you started!”
“He’s alive. But they closed the border before he joined me, and now he can’t come over. They’ve built a wall. Last time I talked to him on the phone, he laughed at me and said it’s fine, that he’ll figure something out. But that’s a lie, isn’t it? He just doesn’t want me to worry. You’d say the same to your brother.”
Lovino honestly didn’t know what he’d say in that situation, but he couldn’t help but think about the letters he sent to Feliciano and how he never said even one word about missing him and wanting him to come back. His letters were full of mundane complaints, the kind of things that had been part of the reason Feliciano had decided to leave. Because it had to be hard enough to start anew in a foreign country without also feeling sorry for the brother he’d left behind. If it made Feliciano’s life even a little easier, it was better he thought Lovino was happy.
“Maybe,” he said, “but what are you feeling guilty about? Don’t tell me you’re thinking about going back!”
Ludgwig looked startled. “I thought you’d say that’s the right thing to do. It’s the only way I can see him again. I feel like I’ve abandoned him.”
“If that’s because of what I said about Feliciano, forget it! That’s completely different. Your brother would hate himself if you went back just for him. And you don’t know if the wall is forever! Don’t do anything dumb!”
“I know, but I can’t help but feel like I have no right to try to be happy when he’s stuck on the other side. That’s why I couldn’t settle down in Bonn.”
“Tch, bullshit! He said he had something to take care of, right? So whatever reasons he had to stay had nothing to do with you. You don’t have to feel guilty about that. He chose to stay and had shit luck. Be glad that you made it out! If you’d waited until he was ready, you’d both be there, and then he’d feel like shit, and you might grow to resent him.”
“But -”
“No, don’t try to argue with me about this! I’m an older brother, too, and I know all about resentment and how it builds up over time! I’ve practically got a degree in it!”
Lovino felt heat on his cheeks that for once wasn’t anger or embarrassment. The fire came from inside him, his complete conviction that what he was saying was right. He didn’t know what this Gilbert was like, but he’d made sure his kid brother didn’t get stuck in a shitty situation because of him. That was enough to convince him he wouldn’t want Ludwig to throw his life away feeling sorry for him.
“I mean, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be separated like that. At least I know there’s nothing stopping me from seeing Feliciano again. But you’ve got to do something with yourself so you can show your brother that you did just fine when you next see him. How else are you going to be able to laugh like dumbasses together?”
Ludwig let out a sound that Lovino hoped was an awkward chuckle and not the beginning of a sob. This was as far as he could go, he was sure. He sucked at comforting others. If the other started crying and he had to hug him or something, he’d rather jump off the roof.
“Thank you,” Ludwig said. He sighed, closed his eyes and seemed to be enjoying the wind on his face. “I actually came to Italy to forget about everything for a while, but it’s been impossible. Working on this roof is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s been ages since I last did anything productive. I feel I’ll be able to sleep well tonight.”
Lovino thought this was the first time that they were on the same page, and for once he didn’t want to cuss him out. In fact, all his earlier rude behavior felt so childish now in the face of the much bigger problems they both were dealing with.
“Come to my place after dinner. I’ll show you something that’ll make you feel great,” he said.
“Oh?”
“Yeah! Just you wait! I’ll have everything ready! And you had better like it!” Lovino could almost feel his body grow taller with his new-found confidence. Knowing that working with him had helped Ludwig be happy in the middle of all his troubled thoughts made him feel like he’d done something meaningful. There hadn’t been a lot of days like that in his life recently, and as much as he tried to convince himself he was fine with that, he’d missed the feeling of being important to someone. He and Ludwig had much more in common than he’d ever imagined.
***
Despite how tired he was, Lovino spent half an hour carrying multiple baskets full of discarded roof tiles to the tractor. He didn’t have dinner and only dropped by his place to wolf down some bread and cheese because he always felt sleepy after eating, and he knew he’d never get the task finished if he ate first. He’d promised Ludwig, so he couldn’t go back on that.
He grabbed a bottle of wine from the cellar and walked back to the estate. Ludwig was already waiting for him, standing under the light that was on the porch. Lovino noticed he wasn’t wearing his grandfather’s shirt anymore but his own that he’d washed. He looked more like a stranger that way, but it wasn’t a bad feeling.
“I thought you might not be coming,” Ludwig said.
“Huh, why’s that?”
“You said after dinner, but it’s already been ten minutes.”
“Tch, how does your entire country not die from an aneurysm if you’re that fussy? Who cares about the time? We’ve got all night!”
“To do what exactly?” There was some hesitation in Ludwig’s voice, and despite how he towered a head above him, Lovino couldn’t help but think he looked meek all of a sudden. Maybe he was more tired than he’d said.
“I know a good way to forget all about your problems for a while. Okay, two. The first is this,” Lovino said and showed Ludwig the bottle, “and for the other one we have to do some walking.”
“Are we going to your place?”
“No, it’s a little further than that. Look, I’m not going to hit you over the head with the bottle or anything like that! Don’t look so weirded out!”
“Ah, sorry. I’m just a little confused.”
Not for long, Lovino thought proudly. He’d show Ludwig a great time.
They walked in the dark, only Lovino’s flashlight showing them the way. The road they followed wasn’t used much anymore, so it was partly overgrown with grass, making their steps near silent.
“Here we are. Watch your step,” Lovino said and pointed the light ahead of them. On the ground, there was a circular pile of rubble that had once signified the spot of a well.
“What are we doing here?”
“That’s a dried up well. Nobody knows how long it’s been here, but that’s not the important part. It’s deep, and you get a great sound if you throw something into it.”
Ludwig took the flashlight from him and looked inside the well.
“This is extremely dangerous. What if a child falls into it?”
“Again with the damn kids! The walk from town is too long. They won’t come here. And neither will dogs. There’s no water.”
“I’d still feel a lot better if this was filled up or blocked.” Ludwig gave the stones around the well an experimental poke with his shoe. A piece broke off and fell into the dark depths below, creating a clacking sound as it bounced off the walls of the well. The chasm was crooked towards south, and Lovino suspected an earthquake had moved the ground in the past.
“Great, then you’re going to have fun doing this,” he said and picked up one of the old roof tiles he’d brought over earlier. He drew back his arm and threw the tile down into the well with all the strength he had. It didn’t crack upon impact but made a loud sound as it rattled down.
“Try it,” he said and shoved a couple of tiles into Ludwig’s hands. “Just throw them down as hard as you can. It won’t bother anyone. I dumped so much junk here the first few weeks after Feliciano left, you have no idea.”
“I don’t really see what good this will do, but I guess it does help fill up the well a little,” Ludwig said. He threw a tile down into the well, then another when the first reached the bottom. Lovino watched, worried that he’d think the whole thing was dumb and a waste of time. He’d thought so, too, when Feliciano had first brought him here after a girl he liked had gotten engaged to someone else.
“Put more strength into it!” he said and joined him in throwing down the tiles. It was laughable to think he could ever get more noise out of the well than Ludwig, but it was fun to try, and he quickly worked up a good sweat going back and forth for more tiles.
“Fuck everything!” he declared when he felt he’d gotten warmed up.
Ludwig paused. “What?”
“Isn’t that how you feel? It’s fucked up that people can’t find work in their own country and that families get separated by a goddamn border! It’s not our fault, but we’re the ones living knee-deep in the shit that some big shots pushed out!”
“Uh… I don’t know if I’d phrase it like that, but I suppose you’re right.” Ludwig took a long look at the tile in his hand, then his expression twisted into one of such fury that Lovino nearly wet himself. Ludwig let out a string of German profanities that sounded like a cat throwing up the contents of its stomach in Lovino’s ears. He threw the tile into the well with such force that it shattered, and the pieces fell down as an orchestra of rattling sounds.
“That’s more like it!” Lovino cheered him on. He went to get the bottle of wine and took a big swig out of it to celebrate the shift in mood. There was nothing like destroying something when you were helpless and angry, and doing it like this wouldn’t get them into trouble.
“Have some,” he added and gave the bottle to Ludwig. The other accepted the offer, and getting some alcohol in his system fired him up even more. It was probably just the spirit of it, Lovino thought, because a few gulps of his weak wine wouldn’t get anyone drunk.
He took the bottle and sat down to watch Ludwig run himself ragged with the tiles. The wine tasted good after all the work he’d done that day and went straight to his limbs that began to feel heavy. Nevertheless, he dragged himself up and walked over when it looked like Ludwig had no more tiles to throw.
Ludwig was panting hard, his whole body trembling with exhaustion. Lovino guessed it was more the emotional strain than the physical. He hadn’t understood more than a name or two when Ludwig had been yelling things at the well. He’d clearly needed it, and he sounded grateful when he took the bottle that Lovino put wordlessly into his hands.
“Damn, you really got into it,” Lovino said and walked closer to the well. He pointed his flashlight down to see if maybe he could see the bottom, but the light was weak and didn’t reach that far.
He leaned a little further to see better. A moment later, there was a nauseating twist in his guts when he felt himself tipping a little too far and losing his balance. Oh, shit. The flashlight flew from his hand as he tried to find something to grab onto, but he knew the feeble stones around the well wouldn’t carry his weight and stop him from falling. Shit, shit, shit. This was such a stupid way to die. He’d boasted so loudly that this was safe!
“Hey!”
He didn’t fall. Ludwig caught him by the waist, and with anyone else, Lovino would have been worried his weight would just make them both tumble down, but Ludwig was like an anchor. All he had to do was hold him, and Lovino knew he wouldn’t fall.
“I told you this is dangerous,” Ludwig said and pulled him back.
“Where’s the wine?” Lovino asked. Ludwig had had the bottle, but now his hands were around him.
“I don’t know. I threw it away to catch you.”
“Goddammit. I need it to get my legs working again,” Lovino said. He felt out of breath even though he’d only been sitting and watching Ludwig. It was like there was a noose around his neck. He’d almost fallen. It was so stupid that he wanted to laugh, but he didn’t have enough air in his lungs for it. The sound that left his throat was a desperate wheeze.
“Are you alright? Do you need to throw up? I just washed this shirt,” Ludwig said, and Lovino felt the arms around him shift.
“Don’t let go!”
Ludwig stilled. “I won’t. But let’s back away. I don’t feel comfortable this close to the well when we have no light.”
Logically, Lovino knew that the well was in front of them, but that did little to convince him that the ground wouldn’t just open up and swallow him if he moved. The flashlight had broken when he’d thrown it away, so all the light they had was the sliver of the moon and the stars. They were enough to see shapes against the sky, but the ground was black and frightening.
“Okay,” he said breathlessly, “but you’re going to have to do something to make my legs listen.”
Ludwig’s answer was simply lifting him off the ground and carrying him away over his shoulder like a firefighter. It wasn’t what Lovino had expected, and in the dark it was hard to get a bearing on where they were going, so he clung to Ludwig’s back with all he had.
“There we go,” Ludwig said and put him down when they reached the road.
“You should carry me all the way home.”
“What? Now you’re being ridiculous.”
“I’m tired, and I almost died!”
“And why is that? I told you the well was dangerous.”
“Oh, is that the approach you’re taking? ‘I told you so?’ That’s not doing anything but making me feel even worse!”
“And how do you think I feel? I’m not doing it to brag! My heart almost stopped when I saw you were going to fall! It would have been so pointless and stupid! How would your brother feel if he had to come back home for your funeral?”
Ludwig’s hands were digging into Lovino’s arms so hard that it hurt, but Lovino barely noticed. He hadn’t thought about Feliciano, but the idea of that airhead bawling his eyes out over his casket and burying him next to their grandfather broke his heart. And even though he was fine, he felt sorry for himself when he imagined his life ending like that, before he’d had time to do anything.
He started crying. He didn’t want to, but there was no stopping his tears once they started. At first, he did his best to at least keep quiet so Ludwig wouldn’t find out just how pathetic he was, but that was a lost battle, too. He pressed his forehead against Ludwig’s chest and sobbed against him. Ludwig’s hands let go of his arms and moved to awkwardly pat him on the back.
“I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this,” he said. “What should I do?”
Lovino didn’t answer, not until he’d calmed down. He was glad it was dark so Ludwig couldn’t see his ugly face.
“You don’t have to do anything. Just let me be like this. And for your information, being a crybaby runs in the family, so it’s not my fault, and I don’t want you making fun of me!”
Ludwig sighed. “You always assume the worst of me.”
Yeah, because then if he did what Lovino accused him of, it would hurt less, or so he liked to think. It was a shitty defence mechanism, but he didn’t have another.
“You shouldn’t believe half the things I say,” he muttered.
“Do you think you can walk home now?”
“Yeah, but you should still carry me. Give me a piggyback ride!”
Lovino expected he’d just be told to stop whining, but to his great surprise Ludwig agreed, but only half the way. Maybe it was a compromise of some kind for him, or maybe he felt sorry for him. Lovino wasn’t about to question it because crying had left him exhausted, and he honestly wasn’t sure if his legs would carry him all the way.
It was a warm summer night, and the heat from Ludwig’s back only added to it. Lovino leaned as close to his neck as he could and draped his arms over his shoulders so he wouldn’t slide down.
“I don’t really understand you Italians,” Ludwig said.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re so open and casual about… everything. When I first came here, I thought everyone was flirting with me. I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
“Ha, I bet you got into some awkward situations! Are there any places that you’ll never visit again because you’re too embarrassed?”
“Yes, but I won’t tell you what they are because I’m sure you’d make fun of me.”
“Was anybody ever actually flirting with you?”
“Perhaps some of the women. I don’t know about the men. I’m sure I read too much into it.”
“...and were you interested?”
Lovino held his breath as he waited for the answer. He almost wanted it to be no because then he could safely keep his thoughts inside him and wouldn’t risk all the dangers that came with the alternative. But it suddenly mattered so much to him what Ludwig would say.
“Are you assuming the worst of me again?”
Ludwig’s voice was quiet, and that was all the confirmation Lovino needed. Oh. For a second, his mind was empty as the possibilities washed over him, and he couldn’t process them all. He’d have to pick his next words so carefully, but he was scared that no matter what he said, he’d ruin it.
Ludwig stopped walking. “Do you want to get off?”
“Are you kidding? It’s nowhere near the half-way point!”
“But if I’m making you uncomfortable -”
“Who ever said anything about that? Don’t put words into my mouth, dammit! I don’t know about your specifics, but I can appreciate a good-looking guy!”
He more felt than heard Ludwig let out a long breath.
“Oh. That’s a relief. I thought you’d find me disgusting.”
“Then we’re in the same boat. I wasn’t going to let you know.”
There was an awkward silence, and Lovino was sure they were both trying to figure out what to say next. His heart was beating so loudly he was sure Ludwig could feel it against his back. Then Ludwig cleared his throat.
“This might lead to this town becoming another place that I can’t visit again, but when you told me to meet you tonight, I wasn’t sure what you had in mind. Throwing tiles down an old well took me by surprise.”
Lovino let out a tired whine. “If I’d known you were expecting a date, I’d have come up with something better.”
“But it was exactly what I needed. I haven’t really allowed myself to be angry about what happened. I’ve just been worrying non-stop. I feel a little better now. Perhaps everything will work out somehow.”
“Did your brother tell you what it was that he had to sort out so badly that he couldn’t cross the border with you?”
“No, but I suspect it was because of a woman. He’s just embarrassed to admit it. Maybe he thinks I’d get mad at him and not call him again.”
“Does he know that you’re here?”
“Yes, he told me it was a great idea to travel and made me promise to send a few postcards.”
“I’m sending my brother a package with decent food one of these days. You should do the same. I mean, I know it’s not the same situation, but I bet he’d be happy.”
“Good idea. Maybe I will.”
Lovino rested his head against Ludwig’s shoulder. He was sure he’d fall asleep soon if he wasn’t careful. He felt comfortably warm, and Ludwig’s low voice was pleasantly close. It was almost as if they were in bed, which was a dumb thought but something he liked.
“Where are you going next?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I’ll have to go to Naples eventually, but until then, I have no plans.”
“Then is there a reason you can’t stay here for a while? I’ll let you do my work for me, and I’ll give you half my salary.”
“That doesn’t seem fair. Why would I only get half if I do all the work?”
“Because I’d be putting a roof over your head and food on your table! The Sorrentinos are fawning over you now because you’re their guest for a few days, but once you become hired help, they won’t let you stay in that fancy room.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, they can be pretty stuck-up for such nice people, but don’t tell them I said that.”
“I meant about letting me stay at your place. That seems excessive.”
“Well, do you have anything better lined up?” Lovino asked, puffing his cheeks defensively. “No? Then don’t be a dumbass. Take me up on my offer! I can throw in something more to make it even better!”
“Like what?”
“Well, what do you think?”
“Uh… I don’t know about that. I wouldn’t want to be a disappointment. I’m not very… experienced.”
Neither was Lovino, not with men. He’d fantasized a lot, but in real life, he hadn’t had the guts to do much. Their little town wasn’t the best place for new experiences, and he didn’t often get the chance to travel far enough that he felt comfortable seeking out men like him.
But he’d never admit that. People thought of Italians as great lovers, so he’d just have to act the part and hope he didn’t make a fool of himself.
“And with that attitude, you’re never getting any experience. Try to be a little more adventurous. Isn’t that what touring a foreign country is all about?”
“Maybe,” Ludwig agreed.
There was a gentle tone in his voice that made fondness well up in Lovino’s chest. He made up his mind that no matter what happened between them the next few weeks, he’d make sure Ludwig knew that this was a town where he could always come back.