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Rey looked around the hull of the Falcon as the salty planet of Crait drifted away in the distance. The atmosphere of the Falcon is somber, no note of victory to bring levity to the situation. So few of them survived, but they did survive, which should be a victory in and of itself, according to Poe Dameron.
Her eyes drifted around the room, settling and focusing on Finn and the girl he’s tending to. He was so gentle with her, so careful. A tiny smile graced Rey’s lips as melancholy furrowed her brow. At least he wasn’t alone.
She slowly made her way to the cockpit, figuring Chewie could use a break, or at least a helping hand. She wordlessly settled into the copilot’s seat. Chewie made no indication of needing a break, so she was content to sit in silence with him, occasionally giggling at the antics of the little passengers they picked up from Ahch-to. She gazed out the viewport, watching the stars fly by, refusing to let herself feel the absence of the only person she both does and does not want to see.
Kylo slowly made his way back to the ship after the search confirmed all Resistance members had escaped. Hux gave him hell about letting the Resistance slip away, but Kylo couldn’t be bothered to care. He gave the order to retreat to the Finalizer and made his way to his quarters as soon as they docked, ordering a meeting for the following day.
He collapsed onto his bed, staring at nothing for Force knows how long, before stripping down and making his way to the refresher. He stepped into the shower and let the scalding water run down his skin. He scrubbed every inch of his flesh raw, until the only marks on his body were the scars he’d accumulated over the years. He shut the water off and stood there, staring at the floor. He reached up to touch the scar bisecting his face. She’d left him, probably for good, but she made damn sure he’d never forget her.
Not that he could if he wanted to.
Rey locked herself in her quarters, pouring over the books she pilfered from Ahch-to, eager to absorb the knowledge contained in its pages. She didn’t notice until she’d burn through a few pages that she couldn’t even focus on the text. She started from the beginning, trying to make sense of the pages but unable to concentrate.
She closed the book with a groan and leaned back against the bed. Since Crait, she hadn’t been able to feel much through the Force. At first she wondered if she was just exhausted due to the excitement and stress of barely escaping Crait and the threat of the First Order looming over everyone’s heads. But it had been days, and she still felt disconnected.
She was interrupted by a knock. She rose to open the door, revealing the girl Finn had brought on board the Falcon.
“Hi, I’m Rose. You’re Rey, right?” she asked pleasantly.
Rey nodded and smiled. “I am. Nice to meet you.”
“Can I come in?”
Rey stepped aside to let her in. Rose looked around and hesitantly sat on Rey’s bed. She looked around the nondescript room, surely it wasn’t that different from the other rooms the Resistance members occupied.
“So,” Rey said, breaking the silence, “what brings you here?”
Rose looked up at her and smiled slightly. “Finn told me a lot about you, and I wanted to meet you myself.”
Rey felt a tingle, a warmth at Rose’s words. “He did?”
“He said he wouldn’t be with the Resistance if it weren’t for you.”
Rey moved to sit next to Rose. They both shifted on the bed to face each other. “Well I don’t think it was entirely me. He told me you saved his life on Crait.” After a beat she said, “He also told me you kissed him.
Rose’s eyes widened and she blushed, looking away as she smiled. “Did he now?”
Rey felt a warmth bloom in her chest. She hadn’t even spoken with Rose for long, but she felt something slide into place, something that she felt she’d been missing. “You really affected him. Do you… love him?”
Rose whipped her head back around to face Rey, mouth agape. “I-I wouldn’t say it’s really love, b-but I do like him a lot.”
Rey’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
Rose exhaled. “I mean, I could love him? If our relationship grew stronger maybe. But I don’t think it’s love, but maybe, the beginning of it?”
“You don’t feel all that strongly with him?”
“Not yet, but, maybe someday?” Rose pondered for a moment. “Have you ever had a crush on someone, Rey?”
Rey’s brow furrowed. “Is that like what you feel for Finn?”
Rose nodded. “Yeah, basically.”
Rey paused to think for a moment. If she was honest with herself, no, she’d never had any sort of feelings like that, not until…
Ben.
She shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk about it,” her voice cracking at the end.
Rose reached her hand to settle on Rey’s arm. “I get it, you don’t have to say anything more.” Her thumb brushed over Rey’s arm, and her eyebrows furrowed. She pulled Rey’s arm forward and ran her hand over the scar. “Do you mind if I ask what happened?”
Rey shook her head. “Just something that happened on the Supremacy .”
“Oh. What were you doing there?”
Rey paused. “I… It was a rescue mission.”
“For who?”
“It doesn’t matter. I couldn’t save him. I failed.”
Rose grabbed Rey’s hands. “I’m sorry, Rey. If you ever need anything, I know we just met, but I’m here for you, and Finn is too.” Rose’s arms wrapped around Rey, and she said nothing, letting the smaller girl hold her.
Kylo cursed himself as he retreated from the training room, leaving the other Knights to spar with each other. His performance was fine, he still outmatched each of the Knights, but he still felt like he was slipping. He was frustrated, knowing there was someone who was an equal match for him, but she wanted nothing to do with him.
He returned to his new quarters and headed immediately for the refresher, washing away the sweat, grime, and blood from his sparring session. He dried off and dressed and approached his bed, stopping at the edge of it. The image of her pinned underneath him, writhing on the sheets and moaning his name haunted him whenever he was alone. And what a pretty image it was. He sprawled out on the bed, imagining all the things he would do to her if she was with him.
He sighed. He hadn’t heard from her in months, since the battle on Crait. He hadn’t heard much about the Resistance, in general, which, for her well-being, was probably a good thing. That only complicated matters more. He wanted the Resistance gone as much as his leading officers did, but he couldn’t ensure Rey’s safety if they were to pursue the Resistance now. But whispers of Skywalker’s appearance on Crait echoed through the galaxy, spurring unrest. He growled. Rey’s stubbornness would be the death of him.
He’d tried to reach her. He’d reached out to her daily through the Force, only to encounter a block every time he thought he’d found her. She needed him, of that he was sure. There was still so much she had to learn about the Force, and he was more than willing to teach her.
And he needed her. He needed her light, her warmth, her compassion. There was no love with the First Order. But there could be, with her.
He took a deep breath, cleared his mind, and reached out.
Rey returned to her room and collapsed on her bed, exhausted from her training session with Leia. She almost felt useless, making little progress in her Jedi training but not having time to help the Resistance find recruits or resources. She felt lost in her role, having the responsibility of being the galaxy’s last hope, stepping into the role Luke Skywalker played in the fight against the Empire.
She felt out of place in the Resistance. Sure, everyone was kind to her, but they almost seemed in awe of her. She didn’t feel like an equal, but something, someone, different. She grew closer to Finn and Poe and Rose, and she loved being with them, but she knew they wouldn’t understand what she’s going through. No one could.
She wanted to believe in the Force, but since Crait, she’d felt almost disconnected from it. She wasn’t all that adept at using it before, but now it seemed she could barely even feel it. She barely had it, but now, she missed it. She missed feeling the life around her. She missed feeling the flow of energy through the galaxy.
And if she was honest, she missed being connected to Ben.
She stretched out her arms, and her eyes landed on her scar. She placed her hand on the scars, letting her fingers run over the indented flesh. Rose had made an off-hand remark that it looked like two hands reaching for each other, and Rey discovered what it felt like for her heart to flutter and her stomach to sink at the same time.
Her mind went back to her conversation with Rose. Not love, but the beginning of it. Was that what she felt for Ben? Was that all she could ever feel for him? When she turned her back on him on Crait, it didn’t feel like the beginning of anything. Rose had said it was like a lighter form of love, but “lighter” couldn’t even begin to describe her feelings for Ben. Was it too soon? Or did she just not understand what love is?
She couldn’t love him as he was, could she? She walked away from him for a reason after all. He was dangerous, volatile, he wouldn’t stop at anything to get what he wanted. But he listened to her, he understood her, in ways she hadn’t known since she left him on Crait. She knew he could be a gentle, compassionate person, but he chose not to, in the end. She wanted to believe in the vision the Force showed her, but feeling so disconnected from the Force, she didn’t know if she could trust that vision.
She sat up and closed her eyes, trying to feel the Force. She felt herself floating, but anchored down. Little flames of energy licked at the edges of her senses, and she gasped. Visions of the base flickered in her mind, glimpses of her friends laughing, a nurse in the medbay tending to a wounded soldier, the grass and trees outside swaying. She smiled. It was like embracing a long-lost friend.
She felt something brush against her back, soft, pleasant, but fleeting. She opened her eyes and inhaled.
Ben.
Kylo swallowed when the image of Rey manifested before him. It was really her. He sat up and reached a hand out toward her, wavering when she flinched.
“Rey,” he whispered. She looked exhausted, but more filled out than the last time he’d seen her. She was beautiful regardless. His heart fluttered in his chest, a feeling he hadn’t felt in so long, until he found her.
She missed him, she really did, but she was conflicted. For a brief moment, she panicked, wondering if he could find her location through the Force. “Why are you here?”
He locked eyes with her, staring at her for a moment before answering. “I missed you.”
Rey blinked. Of all the answers she could guess at, she never expected that. “Then why don’t you come after us? Surely you’d have no trouble tracking us down.”
Us . He propped up his arms on his knees, resting his chin against his folded hands. “If I gave the order to track the Resistance down, they would fire on sight. My officers aren’t exactly pleased with the slow progress in snuffing out the Resistance.”
Rey’s heart clenched at his words. “Is that a threat?”
He shrugged. “Consider it a promise, that I won’t give the order. At least, not as long as you’re still with them .”
Rey grit her teeth. “I’ll never join you.”
“But you sent yourself to me willingly, when you thought you could make me another weapon for the Resistance.”
“I was trying to save you!”
“Save me from what, exactly?”
“Snoke, the dark side, the First Order, Ben, you don’t belong there!”
He scowled. “And why is that?”
“Are you actually happy being with the First Order?”
“I don’t really have any other options. Are you really happy being with the Resistance?”
Rey froze. She adored her friends, and Leia was the mother she never really had, but was that enough to make her happy? Did she really feel like she belonged? “I would be happier if you were here,” she whispered.
Kylo’s eyes softened for a moment, before he chuckled darkly. “I doubt anyone would want me there regardless.”
Rey opened her mouth to speak, but words failed her. They were desperate for numbers, sure, but would they really welcome the current Supreme Leader? And from the way it sounded, he was the only reason they hadn’t been annihilated. She bit her lip, struggling to find a way to convince him. “Please,” she whispered.
He stood up and walked toward her, gently raising a hand to caress her face. Rey leaned into his touch as tears began to prick in her eyes.
“I never wanted you to feel like a weapon,” she said. “I- I get it, when people see your power more than they see you. That was never my intention in going after you.” A tear slipped down her cheek.
Kylo sat down next to her on the bed. His heart ached for her. She was surrounded by more people than she’d ever known before, yet she still felt alone. “I wanted to believe you really were there for me, but the First Order was the only thing I ever felt I had any control in. I couldn’t give that up, and I couldn’t take my chances with a militia that wouldn’t hesitate to end my life for the sake of their goals.”
“Ben, please! I-I’ll protect you from them, there’s still time to come back!”
“And why should I? I have control, I have power, in the First Order. I command massive armies, never answering to anyone but myself. Why would I give any of that up? The only thing that’s missing is you.”
Her brows furrowed in anger, tears falling freely now. "You could be with me now, but you chose power over me!"
Kylo growled. "I did not, I did what was necessary-"
"Necessary for what, exactly? What have you accomplished since Crait? What have you done with this power that was so important to you that you chose it over me!"
He flinched. Is that really what she thought? He looked into her eyes and under the obvious anger was a deep pain and sorrow. She was hurt, and he had done that to her. She barely put up a fight when he wrapped his arms around her. “I’m sorry.”
She sobbed into his neck. “I want to stand beside you, but I can’t when you choose to do the things you do.” She pulled back, and his forehead rested against hers. “I can’t be with you when you choose to be violent and a tyrant. Surely you know what the First Order is doing to the systems it takes over? How can you be okay with this?”
He closed his eyes, trying to hold back his own tears. Maybe she was right, but, “The First Order never turned me away.” He felt her hand cup his face. “If you can’t be with me as I am, then why haven’t you severed the connection?”
Rey swallowed, staring at Ben until he opened his eyes. When he finally did, the words she wanted to say died on her lips, so she settled for something safer. “I missed you.” She leaned forward and hesitantly pressed her lips against his.
Kylo froze under her lips. He’d dreamed of this moment, sure, but he sure as hell was not expecting this to happen given the circumstances. He slowly relaxed into the kiss. Rey’s lips were unskilled, but soft, and eager. When she pulled away, he followed her, catching her lips in another, deeper kiss.
Rey moaned into his mouth. Even though they were only communicating through the Force, he felt so solid, so real under her touch. His lips were urgent against hers, coaxing her lips open and deepening the kiss further. She didn’t notice he was leaning her backward until her back was on her bed and his weight was on top of her. She whimpered as his tongue slid past her lips to brush against her tongue. Her hands moved up to his hair, fingers twisting in his dark locks.
By the time he pulled away, they were both flushed and breathless. They held each other’s gaze before Rey looked away. “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
He brushed the loose hairs out of her eyes. “And why not?”
“Because we can’t be together. Not right now, anyway.”
“But, someday?” he whispered.
She blinked fresh tears out of her eyes. “I want that. I want you . But,” she trailed off.
“But, we will be together, someday.” He stroked her cheek. “We’ll find our way to each other.”
“How?”
“I don’t know, but we will. We need each other, Rey.”
She wanted to correct him, but knew that he was right. She felt more whole with him than she ever had with anyone else in her life. She felt understood. But she didn’t want to be with him because she needed him. She reached up to caress his cheek. “I want to be with you.”
He pressed a kiss to her palm. “And we will be together, someday. I know I’m not even close to what you want from me, but I am here for you. Always.”
She felt the connection wane and watched as his image faded away. She was left all alone in her room, but for the first time in months, she didn’t feel alone.
Ben looked around the room, feeling out of place. He looked out the viewport, resolved to find Rey again, with or without the Order in tow.